Kevin Can Wait (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Quiet Diet

1 Hey, finish your breakfast.
You're gonna be late for school.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Well, when you're livin' in a cardboard box looking for cans so you can have some hot soup, you'll wish you'd listened to me.
Whoa, five minutes late for school, and you got him living in a box? With the possibility of hot soup.
Morning, Gables.
Uh, hey.
I made some oatmeal in the Crock-Pot.
Yeah, I'm gonna give that a Crock-Pass.
Let me guess.
You still full from the ice cream you had last night? That's right.
I heard you get out of bed and come down to the kitchen.
Okay, well, then you also heard the faucet because all I got was a glass of water, so So you're sayin' that if I went to the freezer right now, there'd still be that mint chocolate chip ice cream in there? That's what I'm sayin'.
Check if you want.
I won't be offended.
I really wouldn't care if you were.
- Aw.
Stings, don't it? - All right.
No.
I'm happy to be wrong.
Mm.
Mom, sometimes he tricks you by putting the empty carton back in.
Hey.
Yeah, I've been burned by that before.
Come on.
- Ah.
- [Scoffs] Oh.
Still full, huh? This is I gotta be honest.
It's getting embarrassing.
[Rattles] [Rattling] That's weird, huh? Oh, my gosh.
That's You know what? That's this is We gotta write them a letter.
See? This is exactly why you are not gonna end up at Mets Fantasy Camp.
- You said I could go! - No.
We had a deal, remember? Yes, I remember.
It was, like, six months ago.
It was right here in this kitchen.
I was eatin' Oreos, and you came in with the news.
Hey.
How would you like to go to Mets Fantasy Camp this year? - Are you kidding me? - Nope.
I might even throw in a personalized pitching session with one Ron Darling.
Why are you doing this?! Because you are an amazing husband, an incredible father.
That's what you deserve.
[Exhales] The only part of that conversation that you got right was the Oreos.
Hey.
How would you like to go to Mets Fantasy Camp this year? - Are you kidding me? - Nope, but there's a catch.
As you know, or you probably don't, but you should, we need to renew our life insurance policy in six months, which means we have to take a blood test.
- Got it.
- I don't think you do.
Um if your cholesterol numbers come in high, our premium goes up, and that's not good.
But if they come in low, our premium goes down, we save money, and you know what happens then? - Pass the savings on to me! - Exactly! And I'm going to fantasy camp! Only if you can get your cholesterol down.
- Done deal.
- Okay? [Crunches] Yep, I'm good.
You know, that means you have to stop eating cookies, right? I just heard the information.
You gotta give a man a second to celebrate.
Donna, I got this.
All right, whenever I'm faced with something like this, - I always employ my 3-pronged system.
- Oh.
Prong number one Laser focus.
Prong number two Commitment.
Prong number three Action.
So what happened to your 3-pronged system? Look, I'm just gonna be honest with you.
I, uh [Clears throat] I forgot the first prong.
Right.
Sure.
I am not your ordinary guy All right, I figured it out.
I-I got a whole new approach.
No, babe, I really I honestly I don't wanna hear it.
Because it's it's really my fault, you know? I thought that fantasy camp would motivate you to get your cholesterol down, but, you know, I was wrong.
No, no, no.
It did.
I'm telling you it did.
I just forgot that it did.
But now I am locked in.
And I got three brand-new prongs.
Oh, my God.
The test is a week away.
- Prong number one - Oh, my God.
I do go to fantasy camp.
- Not happening.
- Let me finish.
Prong number two I work out while I'm down there.
I'm eating egg whites.
I'm doing green shakes.
I'm running wind sprints with Darryl Strawberry, right? Then prong number three I came back two months later.
- We take the test then.
- [Imitates whip cracking] [Scoffs] Stop.
Your plan is that we go two months without life insurance? Do you think I'm gonna roll those dice? You don't think I can stay alive for 60 days? [Stutters] It's just I don't understand why this is so hard, you know? I think that you should want to take care of yourself.
That you'd want to see your kids grow up, you know? Maybe one day hold your grandchildren.
Mm, I need something more tangible.
That's funny.
You know what? After your heart explodes, I am going to make sure to tell husband number two how hilarious my first husband was.
You're a cut-up.
Really? Second husband? Yeah.
Well, baby, I'm gonna move on.
- How soon? - I don't know.
How long you been dead? Let's say three months.
Okay, three months.
Um, well, you know, I'm not lookin'.
But I'm not not lookin'.
I hope you're still wearing black.
Well, no, of course.
But I look great in black, so you know, there's gonna be a lot of guys that are gonna wanna get with the sad girl in the pencil skirt.
Hmm.
That's until he finds out you got three kids and a weird British guy living in your garage.
I'm tellin' ya, he's gonna run.
Yeah, but he's not gonna run from my life insurance money.
Oh, honey, why do you think I got such a big policy? 'Cause me and hubby number two, we're gonna be living in style, slap it high.
Yeah.
Okay.
No, come on.
Give Mama some love, huh? Enough.
Give it to number two.
Mr.
Gable, there is a way to do it.
- [Bottle cap fizzes] - What? Your Mets camp.
I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with Mrs.
Gable.
I can help you lower your cholesterol before the test.
It's in a week.
If you do everything that I tell you to do, you will lower your numbers significantly.
What do you know about any of this? You're built like a pretzel rod.
Mr.
Gable, I'm about to show you something that I haven't shown to anyone in this country.
A paycheck? It never gets old.
Okay, get ready to know Chale Eugene Witt just a little bit better.
This is my deepest secret, and I trust that you will treat it with sensitivity.
So you have a fat sister.
What's the big deal? Look closer.
Whoa! That's you? Chale! Why, you were a big boy.
[Exhales deeply] What's with the hair? My mother told me that long hair has a slimming effect.
Mama's a liar.
The only reason that I show you this is because at a certain point in my life, I got very serious about losing weight - and getting healthy.
- Wait a second.
Kids ever call you "Chale the Whale"? - Yes.
They did.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Now cholesterol is just one - Ha ha.
How 'bout "Chale broke the scale"? They ever come up with that one? Yes, yes.
Thank you.
Again, now what we can do Last one.
"Free Willy, the U.
K.
edition.
" Mr.
Gable, do you want to pass your cholesterol test or not? Listen, is this thing Photoshopped? Do these look Photoshopped?! I keep these old pants to remind me of darker days.
Wow, that is a lot of dungaree.
Um, needless to say, Kendra knows nothing of this, and I would prefer to keep it that way.
Fine.
So what's the plan? I got seven days.
A high intensity master juice cleanse.
Great.
Then if you do this, your numbers will be so low, I guarantee you will pass the test.
As long as it gets me to Fantasy Camp, I'm good.
Just so you understand, this is a week of no solid food.
Just a juice mixture which I will prepare for you every single day.
Love juice.
I'm a juice guy.
You will sweat uncontrollably.
Been there.
All right.
You sure you don't want one slice of pizza? They're using this new spicy Italian sausage.
It's pretty special.
No, what are you tellin' him that for? Man's on a diet.
Cleanse, guy.
A cleanse.
It's already day two.
I'm over the hump.
So let's just enjoy the game.
You sure are sweating a lot.
Is that normal? See, now you see sweat.
I see cholesterol leavin' the body.
I mean, the heart flutters every once in a while, but Chale said that's Ooh, there it is.
What's up, babe? You want a slice of pizza? Enzo's making his own sausage now.
It is redonk! Wow.
You really don't care, do you? - What you talkin' about? - [Scoffs] Five days until the blood test.
Five days, and you are gonna be uninsurable.
That would save us a lot of money, right? The whole premium.
[Chuckles] I'd be able to take these guys to Fantasy Camp.
- Oh, yeah! - I'm in! Shut your face, shut your face.
I just want you to know that when your test results come back, this is all gonna change.
Okay, no pizza, no junk food, and, no, a meatball hero is not Atkins.
- What's goin' on? - [Whispers indistinctly] [Lowered voice] The table is set.
This is going perfectly.
Yeah, seems like it.
But Donna can't know I'm cleansing, all right? Why not? Because if she thinks I'm eating the way I do now, normally, and my numbers come in low, she can't say anything.
I'll be able to eat whatever I want for the rest of my life! That is genius.
Yeah, I keep telling you guys, write this stuff down 'cause I'm throwing out gems left and right! [Laughs] Mr.
Gable.
What are you doing? - Nothing.
- Put down the cookies.
No, no, no, uh, I was just counting 'em.
Uh, there's, uh, this thing on the news about cookie companies cheating customers.
No, these are [Mutters] Yeah, they're all here.
They're good.
Okay.
You are 11 hours away from the test.
Just stay strong.
Mr.
Gable, please! - I just want one.
- No, no, no, no, no.
This is day seven, okay? Most people fall off and start losing their minds.
[Drawer closes] Mis No, honestly! Honestly! - These are my friends! - They are not your friends! - I need these! They're my friends! - Mr.
Gable! You're right at the finish line! You've just gotta run through the ribbon here.
- You're gonna do it.
- All right, fine.
[Sighs] This is ridiculous.
Hiding food in your own house.
Never! Never, Mr.
Gable.
Never! Please don't fail me now! - [Thud] - Okay.
Is there any more food hidden? [Sighs] Doritos in the dryer and there's Oreos under the sink.
I'm sorry.
- Anything else? - No.
[Sighs] Okay.
Yes.
Smoothie machine.
[Weakly] I'm so hungry.
Why are you looking at me like that? Mr.
Gable you're scaring us.
He's gonna bite us.
We should run.
We don't have any legs! Mr.
Gable, you have the results? No, not yet.
Any minute, though.
Hey, listen, I wanna thank you.
This whole week was brutal, but I-I got through it.
I did it.
Well, you know, when I did my diet, I kind of used it as a springboard to a healthier lifestyle and a different relationship with food.
Yeah, me and food are pretty good.
In fact, you're kind of like a third wheel.
I'm gonna be honest, you know.
[Laughs] - Enjoy that burger.
- Yep.
Honey, got an email with the test results.
So you wanna look together while you enjoy your last cheeseburger? Sorry, second of four cheeseburgers? It's a whole wheat bun, though.
I mean, so it's heart smart.
Well, let's do it then, huh? I mean, I hope this is a wake-up call.
- All right.
- Okay.
Oh, just what I thought.
Premium's gone up big time, and here's why "Lipid levels Above normal.
HDL cholesterol Elevated and concerning.
" Wait a second.
Where do you see that? - Right there, huh? - Oh, wow.
Oh, babe, honestly, I hate to say I told you so, - but I have to - No, I mean "wow," because all these years I had no clue that Kevin was actually spelled D-O-N-N-A! What are you talking about? You just read your own results, Donna Gable.
What? - You're the unhealthy one! - What? No.
That can't be right.
What about your results, huh? They're right here.
What have I got? I got, uh, ooh, I'm at normal range.
What? I'm in the normal range, normal range, ooh, it looks like somebody should be on the cover of "Men's Health.
" Yeah! - What? No.
Let me - Yes! No, let me look at this, okay? How is this possible? I-I guess I won the gene lottery.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner No.
Winner, winner, fried chicken dinner! Hi, babe.
Where you headed? On a very long run.
I'm gonna make it hurt.
Good for you.
I mean, exercise, it's just so important, you know? You gotta get after it.
It's really good.
[Mouth full] 'Cause if you don't have your health, you got nothin'.
You really don't.
Uh-huh.
You know, hon Remember before when you thought I was gonna be the unhealthy one and you were kind of teasing me about moving on? Yeah.
Yeah, well, in light of the recent events, I just wanted to see if you thought this one as a potential wife number two.
Are you on a dating site? What? No, no.
It's women's powerlifting.
I'm going a different way.
It's not that you haven't been great, - 'cause you've been fantastic.
- Thank you.
It's just that You know what it is? Winter comes along and I'm just so sick - of shoveling the driveway.
- Mm-hmm.
I wanna get someone This is Corinne.
She benches like 350.
She'll blow it out, no problem.
Well, I give you my blessing.
'Cause that's a man.
Then he's definitely shoveling.
- Hi, babe.
- Hey.
- Ready for movie night.
- Oh, wow.
Oh! Fantastic.
Brownies.
[Chuckles] I've got us some lovely wine.
Let me pour.
2017, apparently a fantastic year for 2-buck chuck.
[Wine pouring] Uh Chale? Oh, sweet Lord.
Okay, what's her name? Oh, gosh.
Uh, okay.
I have something to show you.
Um, brace yourself.
[Groans] Whoa, your sister is massive! No, it's not my sister.
That's me.
Why does everyone keep That's you? What? Why would you never tell me this? I just I was waiting for it to come up organically.
I Okay, dude.
How was this gonna come up organically? Now you know my dilemma.
Yeah, but okay, babe, you were a little overweight and had a terrible haircut, but why would you keep that a secret from me? - I mean, why would I care? - Why? Because! When people know that you have been big, it affects the way they see you.
And it changes the way they see you eat.
Oh, come on, Chale.
Okay, watch.
[Mouth full] Oh, yes.
There it is.
There it is.
No.
You're crazy.
Ah, a nice healthy-looking lunch.
Shut up, Chale.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just I do Pilates, I watch what I eat, while meanwhile the Hamburglar who sleeps next to me, he gets to eat whatever he wants? How is that possible? It's not fair.
Sometimes things aren't always as they appear.
Perhaps there is a little secret to your husband's stellar numbers.
What are you talking about? It's a long story about a little boy with a girl's haircut and a very large pair of pants.
Hey, hon.
Tell me you got my text about chalupas.
You drive right past Taco Bell.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I got no text.
Ugh! You gotta check your phone, guy.
What's goin' on? Nothin', you know, I just [Mouth full] I had a moment of clarity.
If my cholesterol's high, it's gonna be high, you know? I mean, why not look at it like a-a carnival bell, just see how high I can ring it.
Come on, you're acting crazy.
No, no, no, no, no, you were right.
Because you need to be prepared for a life without me.
So I actually wanna show you all this stuff.
So we got this is There's mortgage payments, we got property taxes and Kendra's student loans What are you doing? Stop it! We got our insurance.
I can't do any of this stuff without you! Exactly.
Which is why I want you to have lunch with Kimberly.
What The girl from your school? Yeah.
You know, you're gonna need a woman in your life.
- So will the kids, you know.
- Right.
She's she's organized, she's kind.
You said she was pretty.
- Yeah, she is.
She is pretty.
Yeah.
- Yeah, hmm? All right, well, um, look, if we're gonna do this Okay.
I was thinking more maybe like, uh, I don't know, Lisa, your Pilates instructor.
What? Yeah, it's just I like the way she barks out all the instructions and stuff, very bossy.
It kind of does it for me.
God, I can't believe you! Chale told me about the stupid cleanse.
He told That fat little girl! You cheated on a blood test.
Who does that? I don't know.
How 'bout every Russian Olympic athlete ever? Look, I did what I had to do! I hit my numbers.
I should be on my way to Mets Fantasy Camp.
But you, you didn't hit yours.
That's right.
And now we gotta pay a higher premium.
I should be the one who's mad.
Look, I wanted you to go to Mets Fantasy Camp.
All right? Obviously, I don't want you with another woman.
And I don't want you with another guy.
Look, just let's agree to buy the farm on the same exact day.
How's that? Okay, uh, but you're a little older than me, so it kind of gyps me out of a couple good years of life, right? [Sighs] I don't know.
- How 'bout this? - Hmm? If I go first, I promise you, I will haunt you for the rest of your life.
Every once in a while, the fridge will pop open, a beer will float out.
Or the George Foreman Grill will just heat up for no reason.
You know, I am sorry that you're not going to Mets Fantasy Camp.
You know what? - Your numbers weren't that bad.
- [Clicks tongue] I'm telling you, if you did Chale's cleanse, we can get you in the right zone.
Um, he said it was brutal.
[Sighs] It was brutal for me because I did it alone.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I promise you, I will do it with you.
- You'd do that for me? - Absolutely.
- But not tonight.
- What? Starting tomorrow.
Tonight we are crushing Taco Bell.
You said chalupas, it got in my head.
- I gotta go get 'em.
- Go get 'em.
Ooh, Nachos Bell Grande.
No tomato.
I'm serious.
Yeah.
Ooh, that's good, too.
Now that's in my head, too.
I'm getting those also.
Here you go.
[Sighs] Day six.
Stay strong.
[Sighs] How you holdin' up? I'm all right.
You know, now that the crying has stopped.
It it has stopped, right? I'm not crying now, am I? No.
No, that stopped yesterday.
[Sniffles] Oh.
I think the hallucinations you're talkin' about started.
I'm not hatin' them.
Me neither.