Key and Peele (2012) Episode Scripts

N/A - Episode 3

- Where you at, though? - Look at this.
- 34, 24, sha-bloimps.
- Blip.
Blip, blip.
- Oh, man, check this out, dog.
- Where, where? Look at this fine piece of ass all the way down the street here, dog.
That's what I'm talkin' about, though, hey, girl! Damn.
Ooh! Yeah, walk this way with that fine ass.
Blip! Yeah, girl, why don't you come down herex and put that in my mouth 'cause daddy want a snack! - Blip, blap, takin' a bap! - Why you hurtin' me, girl? - Brisket.
Briskety.
- You're hurtin' me! That's deliciousness, yeah! Yeah! Yeah, keep it coming! Ye-- And-- and that is a professional basketball mascot.
That is a man in an orange rhinoceros costume.
Hell, I'd [beep] that rhino.
Hello.
All right.
- All right, all right.
- Thank you.
Welcome to the show.
Thank you for coming.
- Uh, I am Keegan.
- And I am Jordan.
Hello.
And this is Key and Peele.
Thank you, thank you.
And, uh, Africa is truly [beep]ed up.
Okay.
You just came outta the gate with that.
It's [beep]ed up! See, and I completely disagree.
I would go to Africa right now.
No, see, there are flyover states.
For me, Africa, that's a flyover continent.
So, you're seriously telling me you would not want to see the Nile? No.
You would not want to see the plains of the Serengeti.
No.
You would not want to see, uh, Mt.
Kilimanjaro.
Kilimanjaro? I'm more worried about Mt.
"Kilima-negro.
" No, you didn't.
No, you did not.
- You did not just say that.
- I'm saying, look slavery was an awful thing.
Awful.
All I'm saying, silver lining, it got my ass out of Africa.
- Okay.
- I said it.
But things are improving there, Jordan.
- Things are different.
- It's not-- It's not-- It's not different enough.
I'm sorry, no, I refuse to go to a continent that's so bad that people don't even care if there are flies on their face.
Unbelievable.
All right, y'all gather round.
Gather round.
Welcome, gentlemen.
What a beautiful and blessed day for an auction.
All right, y'all.
Get on up there.
Put that whip down and see what happens, though.
Straight up! I don't care what plantation I end up on.
I'm straight staging a revolt in this mother[beep]er.
Hells yeah.
We have lot A, lot B, and lot C.
- Uh, $3 on lot A.
- $4.
- 5! $5 going once, twice, three times, sold.
Lot A goes to the man in the black hat.
- I mean, good.
- Yeah.
I'm glad I didn't get sold, 'cause I don't want to be owned by another human being.
Whoever buys me, they better kill me the first day, or I'ma go buck-wild on the whole operation.
Okaay? Next one, get up on there, now.
Oh, this, okay.
$6 on lot A.
- $7! - 8.
- 9! $9 going once, twice, three times, sold! Ohay, well, you have to buy that dude.
- It's a no-brainer.
- I mean, that guy's huge.
- A massive individual.
- That's two of me.
- Anybody would buy him.
- I'd buy that dude.
My question is, how'd they catch him? Next! - Okay.
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
$2 on lot A.
$2 going once, twice, three times, sold.
See, now, that surprises me.
That is interesting, to say the least.
I mean, well, it just seems like at a certain point, it's like, do they even know what they're looking for? It's like the whole criteria seems just a little inconsistent.
I mean, at some point, I want to be on lot A.
Yeah, which-- Can a brotha get on lot A? Next.
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
- Been a pleasure.
- Give 'em hell.
- All right.
- Okay.
$8 on lot A! Going once, twice, three times, sold! How does that happen? - Nope, not true.
- What you just said-- that's gobbledygook, okay? That can't be true.
'cause what can this dude do? Look at him.
What could he pick? A cotton plant is, like, this tall.
- Yes.
- No offense, brotha, - I'm just saying.
- Offense taken.
Wha-- Am I wrong? Is he not short? He's short.
But you are actually short in real life, in the world.
- You're good, man.
- Enough.
I will not have my reputation tainted, sellin' superficial, bigoted slaves.
Superficial? Did that really just come out of your mouth? That's it! This auction's over! - Auction's over? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, it's-- it ain't over.
It's not over.
I'm strong, y'all! I'm very str-- I can sleep in a bucket.
I'm fast, I have stamina, and I know magic.
My worst quality is that I'm a perfectionist.
Let me men-- Have I mentioned this? Docile.
I am agreeable to a fault.
You should have seen the dude who asked me to get on the boat when we came over here.
Not a violent bone in my body.
I just walked right on, no big deal.
Never seen a boat in my life.
'Scuse me.
I think we're ready to order.
Well, um, I'm sorry.
That's not how things work in this establishment.
Someone will come to you.
Yes, we're sorry.
No-- no problem.
- What was that? - What? Well, where was black Jeff? "Black Jeff"? Yeah, black Jeff.
I read somewhere that when you date a biracial guy, you're supposed to get the best of both worlds, so there are white-Jeff situations and there are black-Jeff situations, and that was definitely a black-Jeff situation.
Oh.
Okay.
Hi, folks, I'm so sorry for the wait.
Can I get you bottled or tap water for the table this evening? How 'bout I bottle your ass and kick it down the stairs, ma? We've been waitin' half an hour for one o' you mother[beep]ers to show up! God, I'm so-- I'm so sorry.
I'll get you a bottle of our finest premium water, on the house.
- That's what I said, bitch! - What are you doing? Black Jeff.
That was black Jeff.
But he was just trying to help us.
- Oh, so, white Jeff? - Yes.
Good evening.
I'm sorry to bother you two.
I am the maitre d' here at Chez Henri.
Oh, yes, uh, what is it? I am so sorry to disturb you both, but our establishment has a certain dress code, and madame's, um, décolletage is inappropriate.
Oh, my God.
We're-- we're very sorry.
We didn't know there was a dress code.
We'll certainly remember for the next time.
But there ain't gonna be no next time for you! Looking at my woman, and her-- her ch-- deco-- chock-- "chockalage," or whatever you said, man! Is there a problem here? Okay, see, it was really a simple misunderstanding.
It all started with that mother[beep]er right there, who was disrespectin' myself and my girl, but we really love this guy, and he gave us exceptional service.
We're gonna have to ask you to leave.
You have to ask me to leave? Oh, you gonna have to ask the black man to leave? Huh? Actually, you don't have to ask us to leave.
'cause we're going to see ourselves out.
And we ain't never comin' back again! Though we really appreciate your help.
Oh, lo siento mucho.
Watch yo ass, man! Let us reimburse you for that breakage, okay? Right after I burn this whole place to the mother[beep]in' ground with everybody inside of it! By which I mean you're going to get a very negative review on Yelp.
All right, so we get most of our knowledge of history from movies.
Yeah, and we have noticed that, you know, not a lot of, uh, black movies about war.
Right.
And that's because the military was integrated so late.
So not a lot of movies about it.
But actually the military was integrated before anything else.
Oh, absolutely, before anything else.
And, by the way, white people, not the equality we had in mind.
Yeah.
It's like, "Hey, boy, you want a drink of water? "Go back around the corner.
"You want to die for your country? "Stand right here in front of me.
" Well, there was tha one movie Glory.
- Yes, of course Glory.
- Glory's [beep]ed up itself.
I mean, they just threw a bunch of black dudes at a fort to see if it was okay to attack it.
Yeah.
And then a dearth of movies when it came to World War II.
- No black people.
- No black-- I mean, there's that one scene in Pearl Harbor.
- Yeah.
- Where just-- Cuba Gooding, Jr.
, falls out of a kitchen all of a sudden, grabs an anti-aircraft gun.
Talk about, "Show me the money!" What is that? And then, apparently, white people figured something out, because during Vietnam, they sent all our asses over there.
- Oh, yeah, Vietnam.
- Everybody.
- Hello, all of my uncles.
- Yes.
Welcome to the jungle.
"What is your name? Jackson? This way to the draft.
" "There you go.
" I mean, again, not the equality we had in mind! Yeah.
Crazy.
All we wanted to do was look at white women's asses without getting murdered.
That's all we wanted to do.
That's all.
Heil Hitler.
My name is colonel Hans Mueller of the S.
S.
As you know, we were combing the area for Jews.
But it has come to our attention that two negroes have escaped, and are hiding out in this area as well.
You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, now, would you? Uh, no.
No negroes here.
Mm-mm.
Uh, negroes? Ew.
Hell no.
And, um, what are your names? Leroy heimer.
Leroyheimer is my last name, and my first name is very German, and that is because it is Heinrich.
So, my name is Heinrich Leroyheimer.
And I am Baron Helmut Schnitzelnazi.
Well.
Are you going to invite me in? - Of course! - Yeah, come on in! Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Please, gentlemen, sit down.
Now as you know the negro, not unlike the Jew, can be a very tricky creature.
Oh, that's fun.
We have developed many tests to determine if an individual is, in fact, an actual negro.
It's very scientific.
Like when we throw the beans up against the homosexuals to see if the beans explode.
Yeah, uh what kind of tests? It's interesting that you would ask me that.
Would you mind if I removed your hat? So that I can measure your head.
The negro head, interestingly enough, only comes in the half sizes.
It's one of the many interesting things about the negro head.
Hmm.
Everything seems in order.
Well, no negro heads here.
I'll tell you what, though.
If a negro head came in here, it would find itself detached from its negro body.
I'll tell you that, right here.
Am I right? This is very, very good.
But there are so many exceptions to the rule, which is why it's so important that we have a test which is fool-proof.
Uh, m-m-m-more tests? You know, hunting the negroes all day, you really build up an appetite, do you know what I'm saying? Can I interest you two in some delicious beets? Interesting.
The negro cannot resist the beet.
It is drawn to it like flies to Scheisse.
Well, gentlemen.
It appears I have wasted your time.
I'll be on my way.
Just one more thing.
I'm curious as to how you feel about this cat toy! Jiggledy, diggledy! Nothing? Well, that's embarassing.
I'm sorry for bothering you.
You two are obviously not negroes.
Of course we're not negroes.
This is a no-negro zone.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Ain't no thang.
Herr Leroyheimer.
Oh, that's new.
Baron Schnitzelnazi.
What's goin' on? Oh, heil Hitler.
I'll wait for you here.
There we go.
All right.
By the way are you, by chance, related to the Dusseldorf Schnitzelnazis? Yes, I am.
How's your Aunt Frida? Aunt Frida? She is still fat? I don't recall her being fat.
But who looks like they did in college anyway, am I right? - Not me.
Not me.
Not me.
- Not this one, either.
'cause I was a-- You know what I'm talking about? - Well, guten Tag.
- All right.
Oh, Gutenberg! Whew.
Man, that was close.
Whoo.
We gotta get outta here, man.
We-- - He left the cat toy, man! - Uh-uh.
- He left it! - Uh-uh.
Oh! Oh! So here's the thing.
As black actors in Hollywood, Jordan and I keep going out for this one particular role over and over again.
We don't get called out for the average black role.
You know, like the gangster who gets killed, or the pimp who gets killed, or the black dude in Star Trek who gets evaporated.
We don't go out for those.
We don't.
It's always the same role over and over again.
Tell 'em the role.
Well, maybe 'cause we're not intimidating, but we always go out for the black best friend.
Always, always.
Because-- Always.
Because you guys understand that all groups of three white men have to have one black friend.
They have to.
That's a rule.
Well, he's cool, it makes them cool.
- Right, right.
- It makes them not racist.
And, oh-- and the black best friend always has the same lines.
I'm talking about, "Damn!" - Mm-hmm.
- Or like, "No, he didn't!" - Uh-huh.
And the ubiquitous "Oh, hell no.
" It's in every script we ever see.
And then, of course, there are also phrases in every script we always see.
Here's one of 'em.
"Now, ya all clearly like each other.
"So go back over there and get her digits, dog.
" Mm-hmm.
What about this one? What about this one? "Man, you lucky your pops cares about you.
"You lucky!" It's ridiculous.
Not every black person is wise and reasonable.
Mm-mm, in fact, for every Morgan Freeman, there's like five Flavor Flavs.
That's true.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
Come on, man.
What you doin' man? That's stupid.
That's stupid, man, don't do that, man.
Come on.
Are you kidding me? Come on, man, don't go in there! Do not go into a crane shot right now! You kidding me? Yeah, man, I hear y'all.
This movie's got a inconsistent visual language! Half the time, this [beep]ga just shootin' all hand-held like he a Dogma filmmaker! That's funny, since Dogma clearly forbids temporal and geographical alienation! Oh, I loved that shot the first time.
When it was in Nosferatu! That's right.
I mean, this [beep]ga tryin' to do some homage to the German expressionists or some [beep]! It's a visual medium, man! Enough with this My Dinner with Andre bull[beep]! I mean, has this dude even heard of mise-en-scène? Put some information up in the frame, bitch! Oh, I get it.
Yeah.
I'ma overexpose the film.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Get an ethereal look.
Man, [beep] that [beep]! Can we just go? Hold on, honey, they're actually making good points.
Hey, has this guy watched too much Quentin Tarantino or what? Sir, we're gonna need you to lower your voice.
Too much talking, okay? Thank you.
I talked to him, sir.
He's not gonna bother you anymore.
Thank you.
So, I am a pacifist.
I'm against violence.
Well, except-- with the exception of video games.
Yes, with the exception of video games.
- And MMA.
- Oh, yeah.
- And, uh, Game of Thrones.
- Oh, yeah.
- And The Wire.
- Oh, yeah! - And slasher movies.
- Uh-huh.
All right, let me rephrase it.
Let me rephrase it.
I am against violence involving me.
- That's-- that's clear.
- No, on-- yeah, on TV and movies, that's where it's supposed to be.
Where no actual person gets hurt.
I agree with that.
I agree with that.
Which is why I will not slap you high five anymore.
- Why-- why? - Because.
There's that one time.
He slapped my hand so hard, my [beep] just turned into a pink mist.
It was-- We had done-- We had done something comedically that worked very well, and I got excited.
I came-- I had to get in there! - No, you came at-- - I had to get in there.
Show-- just show-- Show me how you slap high five.
Okay, I'll do it in slow motion.
What happened was I came up in here-- I got my plant foot down.
See, don't-- no plant foot.
No plant foot.
Just got my plant foot down, and then I got some torque in my hips.
See, what's the-- Why are you turning back here? 'cause I had to get that [beep]! - No, man.
- I had-- I got some torque, like, in my hips No, this is-- none of this.
Went straight Tiger Woods on it.
- No, dude.
- Got the hips around.
- Why you gotta be-- - I got the hips around.
And then I just let-- This [beep] was a whip.
Just a straight whip.
- And then - Aah! And got in there.
I got in there and then I-- I know you need to run, but come here.
And then I got him here, and I had, like, a follow-through like that.
And I got through like that.
- You ready, homie? - Hells yeah.
Let's take these mother[beep]ers out.
Hold up.
Nah.
What? We gotta go back home, man.
Why? I pooped my pants.
- What? - Just now.
I just pooped my pants.
You-- you got diarrhea? Hell no, man, I ain't gay.
We gotta go home right now, man, let me change my drawers.
Man, the dudes we trying to smoke is right there.
Man, how you want me to smoke somebody when I got poop in my pants? Are you sure you pooped 'em? - Am I sure, [beep], am I sure? - Yeah.
Yes.
That is poop in my pants.
- That's nasty, man.
- It's natural, man.
For a three-year-old.
Not for a hardcore gangsta.
See, if you were my real friend, though, you wouldn't make such a big deal out of it.
Wouldn't make such a big deal out of it? [Bip], you a grown-ass man who just [beep] in his drawers.
Oh, snap.
No, you didn't.
[Bip], you just [beep] your pants again.
Don't judge.
You need to get outta my car and go to the hospital.
Okay, I see how it is.
See, I wouldn't do that to you, though.
You never would have to do that to me, because under no circumstances would I ever [beep] my pants.
Uh-- I'm sorry I judged you.
Apology accepted.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're a champ.
Awesome show.
Good night, everybody! Thanks for coming out! I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.

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