Key and Peele (2012) s03e04 Episode Script
LA Vice
Welcome back.
We're here talking with all-star shooting guard Charlie Sanders about his amazing career.
Now Charlie, you grew up in a tough neighborhood, didn't you? That's right.
Drugs, violence.
My whole life, I had to deal with Adversity.
And that continued When you went on to the pros? That's right.
You know, fines, Injuries, everything.
No matter How big a star I am, I'm always gonna Be dealing with Adversity.
Adversity Johnson, What's your take on this? I don't know, girl.
I just like [bleep.]
with him.
- Just like, eh.
- Ah! Come on, Adversity.
Deal with me, dog! (laughs) I said, "Deal with me!" Always.
Wherever we go, it's-- Come on, no, don't.
Don't drink my water.
Don't drink my water.
Adversity, leave me some.
Leave me a sip.
Leave me a sip.
Damn, come on, man.
Aah! Deal with me! This--he doesn't-- I'm sorry.
No, he doesn't pick up social cues.
What? Here we-- - Deal with me! - Titty twister, titty twister.
- Come on.
- Are you okay? No! Aw, yeah.
Oh.
Hey! Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! Don't start that.
That--that won't stop.
They will do that Every time.
Good evening, everybody.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
We do shows every now and then where we travel a little bit.
And so, when we were in the airport-- - I just wanna get there.
- You get so worked up.
I just don't want there to be anything to get in the way of me getting on the flight.
You get impatient in the lines.
I do get impatient in the lines sometimes, yeah.
He hates it when dudes are, like, indecisive next to him about where they are in the line.
Talking about What are you doing Right now? I'm sorry, I can't hear what-- - What are you saying? - Oh.
Are you in line? Oh, I was gonna ask you the same thing.
Yeah, I'm-- I'm definitely in line.
Yeah, yeah, me too.
I'm in line with you.
No, I'm in line with you.
No, sir, you are perpendicular to the line.
We goin' that way.
We goin' that way.
We're definitely going this way.
The plane's gonna be this way.
So if you face this way, you're gonna be out of luck.
Nah, all right, I crab-walk.
I crab-walk.
That's me.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
We are about to begin boarding South Northern Airlines Flight 34 to Grand Rapids.
Oh, okay, I'm--excuse me.
Boarding group one.
I'm in boarding group one.
Excuse me.
I'm in boarding group one.
And we would like to begin pre-boarding with our first-class passengers.
First-class passengers only, please.
Next, our business-class passengers may now board.
Okay, now we'd like to welcome Our Regal Alliance Elite members.
Regal Alliance Elite members.
Okay, now all passengers with children.
Okay.
Anyone with small children Mmy board now.
Okay, we would like to continue boarding with uniformed military personnel.
What? Why can't-- This is-- Thank you for your service.
Thank you so much For your service.
God bless you.
Thank you for your service.
Thank you for your service.
All right, people in wheelchairs.
Any priests, nuns, rabbis, imams.
What? Why do they get special treatment? As-salaam-alaikum.
I've never-- That's typical.
Any old people in wheelchairs with babies? Doesn't seem particularly-- Any old, religious people with military babies? What's a military-- Thank you for your service.
Jason Schwartzman.
Anyone with a blue suitcase, you may now board.
Finally.
- Nope, not you, sir.
- Not me? This is a blue suitcase.
That's a blue computer bag.
So you're not-- you're not gonna let me on then? Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it! God damn it! Anyone who doesn't seem cranky.
Drunk people.
We will now be boarding any drunk people.
Drunk people.
All right, it's-- Nope, it's my bag.
Sir.
Just-- Ooh.
Hello? Oh, hey, Christian.
Yeah.
Totally.
Well, you have your favorites, Aad I have my favorites.
Okay.
Call you later.
Ciao, ciao.
Boarding group one.
- Jason Schwartzman! - We've got your hand! I got him! I got Schwartzman here! Hey everyone! Jason Schwartzman's fine! We got Jason Schwartzman.
Let's wrap it up, people.
Boarding group one over here! Got a boarding group one.
You know, everybody's had this happen to you, where somebody's telling you a story, and halfway through the story, you realize they're telling you the story you told them three weeks ago? It's maddening.
A dude just come up to you, talkin' about, Hey, man, y'all see, I was walking down the street, right? - Uh-huh? - And this bird - Yeah.
- flew up - Yep? - hit my shoulder - Yup, yup.
- that [bleep.]
died on impact.
Was that bird a sparrow? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did that happen on Santa Monica Boulevard? - Yes.
- Right off of Las Palmas? How you know that, man? I told you this story? No, because I told you this story literally a day ago.
Did I tell you about this other thing that happened to me, though? I didn't, but I can't wait to hear it.
Walking down the street, man, I just felt a drop on my bald head.
Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice! - Noice! - Noice! Excuse me, excuse me.
'scuse me.
'scuse me.
'scuse me, 'scuse me.
'scuse me, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.
'scuse me, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.
What's up, boy? What's up, boo? - Yo, what you doin'? - I'm just noicin' your Noice! Well, don't.
It's mostly about the dancers.
Oh, yeah.
Besides, you know, I'm kind of the guy that says, "Noice!" - Noice! - Wha--what happened? Nothing happened, I just noiced you because you stand up for yourself and your place in this dance circle.
No, no.
No "Noice," okay? "Noice" is my thing.
No more "Noice" from you.
'scuse me, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.
'scuse me, 'scuse me.
Aw Aw, noice! Noice? Noice? 'scuse me.
Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice.
Noice.
Noice.
You Noice? Noice.
Noice.
Noice.
Noice! Noice.
- Noice.
- Noice.
Noice! Noooice! Noice! Noice! This is the fight everybody's been waiting for, But when I get Andre in the ring, man, It's gonna be cruel and quick, 'cause it's gonna be, like, one-two, one-two, boom, and you out.
Man, [bleep.]
you, Claudius Lewis.
I'm gonna [bleep.]
you right in the ass.
Yeah, I'm gonna bend you over and [bleep.]
you right in the ass[bleep.]
.
All right, you know what? Andre, he like to be-- try to get into his opponents' heads by saying crazy stuff.
He ain't gonna Get into my head.
He ain't gonna get into my head.
No, I'm not gonna get in your head.
I'm gonna get in your ass[bleep.]
just like I said, just right up in there in that tiny, little, minuscule ass[bleep.]
of yours.
This is what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna take you to a nice, high-fancy, highfalutin restaurant, and I'm gonna buy you things, wine and dine you.
and we're gonna find some things that we have in common, and they're gonna become inside jokes to us.
And then, we're just gonna laugh about them in the taxi all the way to your house, where I'm gonna [bleep.]
you in the ass.
Oh, okay, now, ju-- just me p-personally, I've never-- You know, I ain't ever seen Andre take it that far before, but-- What--whatever.
Yeah, whatever.
I'll tell you whatever.
Whatever, I'm gonna finally gonna feel comfortable taking you out to dinner parties.
and then, all of our friends who are also couples, they're just gonna laugh at us 'cause we're that couple that holds hands all the time.
And let me tell you something, Claudius.
We love each other so very much that no matter how tired I am, no matter how much bull[bleep.]
I've dealt with over the day, I'm just gonna leave it at the door when I [bleep.]
you in the ass.
Okay, you know what, man? It's time for you to stop all that nonsense right now, all right? Did he just say he was gonna take me to dinner parties? He did say "dinner parties.
" We're gonna snuggle on the couch every night.
I'm gonna let you pick the movie, even though you always pick the movie.
Then I'm gonna take you out for a walk on the beach, and the moonlight's gonna bounce off of your scalp.
And I'm just gonna kiss you so tenderly While the waves break, and then right there, right then, I'm gonna [bleep.]
you in the sandy ass[bleep.]
.
All right, it's time for you to shut your fool mouth! - Is it? Is it time? - Yes, it is time.
It's time for you to shut your mouth! We gonna spend the golden years together.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I'm gonna support you all the way through your run through city council.
Yeah, that's right, and you're gonna be tired, and exhausted, and overworked, But we're gonna still find the energy - to go antiquing on the weekends.
- Oh, yeah? And then, you're gonna be on your deathbed, and you're gonna be sittin' there, and you're gonna be dyin'.
And I'm gonna be right beside you, and I'm gonna be cryin'.
And right at that moment when you cross over from this world into the next, I'm gonna [bleep.]
you in the ass[bleep.]
.
Oh, man, I wish you'd try.
- Oh, you do? - I wish that you would try.
Well, wish [bleep.]
ing granted.
No, I love the Village as much as the next guy, but I'm telling you, if we continue to self-segregate ourselves, The entire gay community's gonna continue to be "margarine-ized" I was just saying this to Claudius the other night right after I [bleep.]
him in the ass.
Yeah, he did, he did.
Anyway, enough politics.
Cheers, everyone.
You know when people pour their--their 40s for the--the memories of their fallen homies? You pour--you pour it out for your homies a little bit? Mm-hmm? could you pick a more disreputable liquid? Yeah.
You can urinate on a grave and be doing a better justice to your fallen homey than some Olde English.
Yeah, it seems like the kind of thing that people in ancient times would do to-- to a fallen enemy, not a--not a comrade.
Let's get the-- the [bleep.]
iest ale.
Oy, and--and take this [bleep.]
piss water Ah, ah.
and dump it all over these blasted Saxons.
Why do English people always squat? I don't know why they do it, but they do.
- It's a fact, they squat.
- They squat.
Those sons of bitches squat.
Hey, y'all, for real, though, - this right here - Yeah.
This goes out to all our fallen homies, yo.
- Come on.
- Hey, yo, real talk.
All right? I mean, it just seems like a waste.
Right? Does that make me a [bleep.]
? Okay, I'm a [bleep.]
.
Okay, I'm a [bleep.]
.
I'm sorry.
I'm a big ol' [bleep.]
.
- Let's go.
- I'm s--okay, here-- For our homies.
- Come on, man.
- Pour out your damn beer! Okay, okay, fine, fine.
Glug, glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug-- No, come on, man.
Hey, man, you got your thumb in there, man.
You need to respect our homies.
Jeez, okay.
Okay, okay.
For the homies.
- Wha-- - [bleep.]
, a trash beer? What? come on-- Hey, beer is beer! The--Jeez, I cannot win On this.
- What? - Fine.
I'm not on board with this, but I'll do it.
Hey, man, what you doin'? Oh--oh, really? What, that--that don't count? Aw, hey, put that-- That's not for-- Aw, man.
It's more of a symbol than a gesture.
Somebody back me up on that.
Right? Hey, man, that's disrespectful right there.
- You just do it.
- Fine.
Fine! I'll pour it out! I'll waste the damn beer then! You know, i-I'm j-- I'm just not a waster.
You know, I save everything.
Man, Jamal knows.
If he eat a piece of pizza and don't eat the crust, I eat the crust.
If we do a drive-by shooting, I will go back for the shell cases.
Not to hide the evidence, but because you can recycle those.
They have value, man, just like this beer.
I can't waste nothin', y'all.
It's physically impossible for me to waste this.
I can't do it.
Jamal, can you pour it out for me? Oh, man.
Come on, man.
I mean, it's not gonna bring 'em back.
Stupid.
It's not gonna bring 'em back.
All right, partner.
Take this scumbag downtown before the Mexicans find him and blow his ass away.
We're gonna keep you alive, Chico.
ÿComprende? No! No! What? Is that a bird? Hey! Hey.
Do you know what happened? No.
Oh! Oh, I get it.
When I say "No," stuff blows up.
Cool.
What'd you think about that show, man? What'd I think about that show that just happened right there? - That happened right there.
- Man, that jam was noice! Come on.
Good night, everybody.
- It was noice! - Noice! - Noice! - Noice! Noice! I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.
We're here talking with all-star shooting guard Charlie Sanders about his amazing career.
Now Charlie, you grew up in a tough neighborhood, didn't you? That's right.
Drugs, violence.
My whole life, I had to deal with Adversity.
And that continued When you went on to the pros? That's right.
You know, fines, Injuries, everything.
No matter How big a star I am, I'm always gonna Be dealing with Adversity.
Adversity Johnson, What's your take on this? I don't know, girl.
I just like [bleep.]
with him.
- Just like, eh.
- Ah! Come on, Adversity.
Deal with me, dog! (laughs) I said, "Deal with me!" Always.
Wherever we go, it's-- Come on, no, don't.
Don't drink my water.
Don't drink my water.
Adversity, leave me some.
Leave me a sip.
Leave me a sip.
Damn, come on, man.
Aah! Deal with me! This--he doesn't-- I'm sorry.
No, he doesn't pick up social cues.
What? Here we-- - Deal with me! - Titty twister, titty twister.
- Come on.
- Are you okay? No! Aw, yeah.
Oh.
Hey! Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! Don't start that.
That--that won't stop.
They will do that Every time.
Good evening, everybody.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.
We do shows every now and then where we travel a little bit.
And so, when we were in the airport-- - I just wanna get there.
- You get so worked up.
I just don't want there to be anything to get in the way of me getting on the flight.
You get impatient in the lines.
I do get impatient in the lines sometimes, yeah.
He hates it when dudes are, like, indecisive next to him about where they are in the line.
Talking about What are you doing Right now? I'm sorry, I can't hear what-- - What are you saying? - Oh.
Are you in line? Oh, I was gonna ask you the same thing.
Yeah, I'm-- I'm definitely in line.
Yeah, yeah, me too.
I'm in line with you.
No, I'm in line with you.
No, sir, you are perpendicular to the line.
We goin' that way.
We goin' that way.
We're definitely going this way.
The plane's gonna be this way.
So if you face this way, you're gonna be out of luck.
Nah, all right, I crab-walk.
I crab-walk.
That's me.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
We are about to begin boarding South Northern Airlines Flight 34 to Grand Rapids.
Oh, okay, I'm--excuse me.
Boarding group one.
I'm in boarding group one.
Excuse me.
I'm in boarding group one.
And we would like to begin pre-boarding with our first-class passengers.
First-class passengers only, please.
Next, our business-class passengers may now board.
Okay, now we'd like to welcome Our Regal Alliance Elite members.
Regal Alliance Elite members.
Okay, now all passengers with children.
Okay.
Anyone with small children Mmy board now.
Okay, we would like to continue boarding with uniformed military personnel.
What? Why can't-- This is-- Thank you for your service.
Thank you so much For your service.
God bless you.
Thank you for your service.
Thank you for your service.
All right, people in wheelchairs.
Any priests, nuns, rabbis, imams.
What? Why do they get special treatment? As-salaam-alaikum.
I've never-- That's typical.
Any old people in wheelchairs with babies? Doesn't seem particularly-- Any old, religious people with military babies? What's a military-- Thank you for your service.
Jason Schwartzman.
Anyone with a blue suitcase, you may now board.
Finally.
- Nope, not you, sir.
- Not me? This is a blue suitcase.
That's a blue computer bag.
So you're not-- you're not gonna let me on then? Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it! God damn it! Anyone who doesn't seem cranky.
Drunk people.
We will now be boarding any drunk people.
Drunk people.
All right, it's-- Nope, it's my bag.
Sir.
Just-- Ooh.
Hello? Oh, hey, Christian.
Yeah.
Totally.
Well, you have your favorites, Aad I have my favorites.
Okay.
Call you later.
Ciao, ciao.
Boarding group one.
- Jason Schwartzman! - We've got your hand! I got him! I got Schwartzman here! Hey everyone! Jason Schwartzman's fine! We got Jason Schwartzman.
Let's wrap it up, people.
Boarding group one over here! Got a boarding group one.
You know, everybody's had this happen to you, where somebody's telling you a story, and halfway through the story, you realize they're telling you the story you told them three weeks ago? It's maddening.
A dude just come up to you, talkin' about, Hey, man, y'all see, I was walking down the street, right? - Uh-huh? - And this bird - Yeah.
- flew up - Yep? - hit my shoulder - Yup, yup.
- that [bleep.]
died on impact.
Was that bird a sparrow? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did that happen on Santa Monica Boulevard? - Yes.
- Right off of Las Palmas? How you know that, man? I told you this story? No, because I told you this story literally a day ago.
Did I tell you about this other thing that happened to me, though? I didn't, but I can't wait to hear it.
Walking down the street, man, I just felt a drop on my bald head.
Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice! - Noice! - Noice! Excuse me, excuse me.
'scuse me.
'scuse me.
'scuse me, 'scuse me.
'scuse me, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.
'scuse me, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.
What's up, boy? What's up, boo? - Yo, what you doin'? - I'm just noicin' your Noice! Well, don't.
It's mostly about the dancers.
Oh, yeah.
Besides, you know, I'm kind of the guy that says, "Noice!" - Noice! - Wha--what happened? Nothing happened, I just noiced you because you stand up for yourself and your place in this dance circle.
No, no.
No "Noice," okay? "Noice" is my thing.
No more "Noice" from you.
'scuse me, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.
'scuse me, 'scuse me.
Aw Aw, noice! Noice? Noice? 'scuse me.
Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice! Noice.
Noice.
Noice.
You Noice? Noice.
Noice.
Noice.
Noice! Noice.
- Noice.
- Noice.
Noice! Noooice! Noice! Noice! This is the fight everybody's been waiting for, But when I get Andre in the ring, man, It's gonna be cruel and quick, 'cause it's gonna be, like, one-two, one-two, boom, and you out.
Man, [bleep.]
you, Claudius Lewis.
I'm gonna [bleep.]
you right in the ass.
Yeah, I'm gonna bend you over and [bleep.]
you right in the ass[bleep.]
.
All right, you know what? Andre, he like to be-- try to get into his opponents' heads by saying crazy stuff.
He ain't gonna Get into my head.
He ain't gonna get into my head.
No, I'm not gonna get in your head.
I'm gonna get in your ass[bleep.]
just like I said, just right up in there in that tiny, little, minuscule ass[bleep.]
of yours.
This is what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna take you to a nice, high-fancy, highfalutin restaurant, and I'm gonna buy you things, wine and dine you.
and we're gonna find some things that we have in common, and they're gonna become inside jokes to us.
And then, we're just gonna laugh about them in the taxi all the way to your house, where I'm gonna [bleep.]
you in the ass.
Oh, okay, now, ju-- just me p-personally, I've never-- You know, I ain't ever seen Andre take it that far before, but-- What--whatever.
Yeah, whatever.
I'll tell you whatever.
Whatever, I'm gonna finally gonna feel comfortable taking you out to dinner parties.
and then, all of our friends who are also couples, they're just gonna laugh at us 'cause we're that couple that holds hands all the time.
And let me tell you something, Claudius.
We love each other so very much that no matter how tired I am, no matter how much bull[bleep.]
I've dealt with over the day, I'm just gonna leave it at the door when I [bleep.]
you in the ass.
Okay, you know what, man? It's time for you to stop all that nonsense right now, all right? Did he just say he was gonna take me to dinner parties? He did say "dinner parties.
" We're gonna snuggle on the couch every night.
I'm gonna let you pick the movie, even though you always pick the movie.
Then I'm gonna take you out for a walk on the beach, and the moonlight's gonna bounce off of your scalp.
And I'm just gonna kiss you so tenderly While the waves break, and then right there, right then, I'm gonna [bleep.]
you in the sandy ass[bleep.]
.
All right, it's time for you to shut your fool mouth! - Is it? Is it time? - Yes, it is time.
It's time for you to shut your mouth! We gonna spend the golden years together.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I'm gonna support you all the way through your run through city council.
Yeah, that's right, and you're gonna be tired, and exhausted, and overworked, But we're gonna still find the energy - to go antiquing on the weekends.
- Oh, yeah? And then, you're gonna be on your deathbed, and you're gonna be sittin' there, and you're gonna be dyin'.
And I'm gonna be right beside you, and I'm gonna be cryin'.
And right at that moment when you cross over from this world into the next, I'm gonna [bleep.]
you in the ass[bleep.]
.
Oh, man, I wish you'd try.
- Oh, you do? - I wish that you would try.
Well, wish [bleep.]
ing granted.
No, I love the Village as much as the next guy, but I'm telling you, if we continue to self-segregate ourselves, The entire gay community's gonna continue to be "margarine-ized" I was just saying this to Claudius the other night right after I [bleep.]
him in the ass.
Yeah, he did, he did.
Anyway, enough politics.
Cheers, everyone.
You know when people pour their--their 40s for the--the memories of their fallen homies? You pour--you pour it out for your homies a little bit? Mm-hmm? could you pick a more disreputable liquid? Yeah.
You can urinate on a grave and be doing a better justice to your fallen homey than some Olde English.
Yeah, it seems like the kind of thing that people in ancient times would do to-- to a fallen enemy, not a--not a comrade.
Let's get the-- the [bleep.]
iest ale.
Oy, and--and take this [bleep.]
piss water Ah, ah.
and dump it all over these blasted Saxons.
Why do English people always squat? I don't know why they do it, but they do.
- It's a fact, they squat.
- They squat.
Those sons of bitches squat.
Hey, y'all, for real, though, - this right here - Yeah.
This goes out to all our fallen homies, yo.
- Come on.
- Hey, yo, real talk.
All right? I mean, it just seems like a waste.
Right? Does that make me a [bleep.]
? Okay, I'm a [bleep.]
.
Okay, I'm a [bleep.]
.
I'm sorry.
I'm a big ol' [bleep.]
.
- Let's go.
- I'm s--okay, here-- For our homies.
- Come on, man.
- Pour out your damn beer! Okay, okay, fine, fine.
Glug, glug, glug.
Glug, glug, glug-- No, come on, man.
Hey, man, you got your thumb in there, man.
You need to respect our homies.
Jeez, okay.
Okay, okay.
For the homies.
- Wha-- - [bleep.]
, a trash beer? What? come on-- Hey, beer is beer! The--Jeez, I cannot win On this.
- What? - Fine.
I'm not on board with this, but I'll do it.
Hey, man, what you doin'? Oh--oh, really? What, that--that don't count? Aw, hey, put that-- That's not for-- Aw, man.
It's more of a symbol than a gesture.
Somebody back me up on that.
Right? Hey, man, that's disrespectful right there.
- You just do it.
- Fine.
Fine! I'll pour it out! I'll waste the damn beer then! You know, i-I'm j-- I'm just not a waster.
You know, I save everything.
Man, Jamal knows.
If he eat a piece of pizza and don't eat the crust, I eat the crust.
If we do a drive-by shooting, I will go back for the shell cases.
Not to hide the evidence, but because you can recycle those.
They have value, man, just like this beer.
I can't waste nothin', y'all.
It's physically impossible for me to waste this.
I can't do it.
Jamal, can you pour it out for me? Oh, man.
Come on, man.
I mean, it's not gonna bring 'em back.
Stupid.
It's not gonna bring 'em back.
All right, partner.
Take this scumbag downtown before the Mexicans find him and blow his ass away.
We're gonna keep you alive, Chico.
ÿComprende? No! No! What? Is that a bird? Hey! Hey.
Do you know what happened? No.
Oh! Oh, I get it.
When I say "No," stuff blows up.
Cool.
What'd you think about that show, man? What'd I think about that show that just happened right there? - That happened right there.
- Man, that jam was noice! Come on.
Good night, everybody.
- It was noice! - Noice! - Noice! - Noice! Noice! I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.