Key and Peele (2012) s04e06 Episode Script

(in Jamaican accents) Sue! Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
How are you doing, girl? Oh, you know, I was on my way home and was in the area.
I just wanted to come say "Hello.
" That's it.
That is all.
Have a nice night.
Sue, where you going, girl? You can't leave without coming inside.
Oh, no, I wouldn't want to be an intrusion.
I just wanted to say "Hello.
" - Good-bye.
- Okay, now, Sue.
There is a seat in this house with your name on it, girl.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't.
I didn't have money for the bus.
I'm a mess from the 50-mile walk.
Now, why must you be so difficult, girl? You're right.
I am being difficult, aren't I? Your life is better without me coming in, trust me, so there I go.
Okay, girl, listen, everything is irie, man.
We're good friends, all right? Yes, of course.
And you know you can smell it, girl.
- You know you smell it, girl.
- What's that smell? You know you're smelling the fried dumplings, the ackee, and the saltfish, girl.
- Oh.
- Now, what's come over you? I should have called.
I should have called.
That's it, Sue! I'm formally inviting you into my home.
Now come inside.
I love seeing horror movies in black neighborhoods the best.
- That's the best.
- Obviously, everybody.
But it's really because it's a more interactive experience.
Right, right.
And you get to laugh at the mother[bleep.]
in the movie Right, right, right, it's good because doing stupid [bleep.]
.
They be alleviating some tension for you.
"[bleep.]
the kid.
He a demon," you know? "Leave the kid.
" That's the best when they just, like, brutally practical.
- "Leave that kid.
" - yeah.
"Stab that baby.
" - Stupid.
- That's a waste of money, dog.
Stupid.
See, I don't even understand how that's even in the horror genre, dog.
Right? I mean, that's the least scared I ever been, man.
It's like a romantic comedy.
It's like a lullaby, dog.
- Yeah, for reals though.
- Pssh.
Oh, oh, where you parked at? Oh, what now? Where you parked at, dog? Yeah, I'm over that way, boy.
Oh, you all the way down there? - Yeah.
- Well, I'm this way, dog.
Oh, all right.
All right, dog.
All right.
All right.
- You know what? - What's that, dog? I'll walk you to your car, dog.
- Word, word, word, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then I'll drive you back to your car, dog.
- Dumbass movie, man.
- Nah.
A demon can possess any inanimate object? That's too general to be scary.
Yo, man, it's like, how you gonna have a demon posting up in a trash can? I mean, you know, it's dumb.
- It don't make no sense.
- It's stupid.
- It don't make no sense.
- You know what I'm saying? It's stupid.
It's stupid.
It's unrealistic is what it is.
It's like, I ain't gonna be scared of no trash can.
And what was that other thing they had with the, uh, the demon puddle? Oh, yeah, yeah.
That was the most stupid part right there.
A demon could pull you into hell if you step in a puddle.
Like, we some morons? I mean, how you gonna scare a couple adults with a puddle? - Stupid.
- Stupid.
- Stupid.
- Stupid.
And the demon got them hellhounds roaming around everywhere, bringing humans to the demon alive to be sacrificed.
Come on, man.
That's just stupid! - Stupid.
- Yeah.
You know, it's like-- it's lazy storytelling - Yes, yes.
- Is what it is.
It's a lot of things, but scary is not one of them.
And what was with all them creepy kids and the whispering and whatnot? - Oh, please.
- I mean, come on, dog.
- Please, dude.
- What are we talking about? You just identified, like, the stupidest part of the movie.
Them kids-- Them kids was talking about, "I will steal your soul.
I will suck your essence.
" Okay, yeah, that's stupid right there.
You can stop right now, man, if you just wanted to-- - Please stop! - Yeah.
- 'Cause it's stupid.
- It was stupid.
- It was stupid as hell.
- It was stupid.
- It was just stupid.
What? - This your car? - This me, dog.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I hope there's not one of them demons possessing your car.
I'm just stepping right now, for real.
That's stupid.
You being real stupid.
I'm being stupid.
That was the stupidest part of the movie right there, dog.
I'm the one being stupid up in here.
That was pretty stupid.
That was the stupidest part right there, man.
That part was--that movie was stupid as hell, man.
Stupid.
Stupid.
That was the not-scariest part of the movie.
Oh, my God.
It was stupid.
Like a demon could possess-- - I mean, it's so stupid.
- That was so stupid.
It was pretty stupid, though, dog.
Oh, my God, that was stupid.
It was pretty stupid.
You know what, man? I'm-- [bleep.]
, I'm sorry, dog, that you had to watch that dumb-ass not-scary movie.
You know what I mean? Man, you know, that's how it go.
That's how it go.
Give yourself up, Carlo.
Why would I do that, detective, when I have the upper hand? Give yourself up, Carlo.
I'm right here, detective.
Damn it.
Or am I over here, detective? Or here? Oh, you sick son of a bitch, where the hell are you? Huh? Huh? You son of a bitch, come out! Does my ass look big in this jumpsuit? Damn it.
Enough of the games, Carlo.
The games are just beginning, detective.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall Who's the fairest-- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't move.
You are under arrest for the murder of Mary Deely, Meg Foster, and one detective Mason Jimenez.
Now, where's the girl? Oh, detective, you assume it's the real me standing in front of you, but maybe that's just what I want you to thin-k.
When in reality, the re-al me is safe in a hiding spah-ah-- ah-ah.
Okay, that's the real you, all right.
Or maybe I'm over here.
No, no, you're not over there.
Carlo, I'm only gonna ask you one more time.
Where is the girl? Go ahead and shoot, detective.
I mean, what do I care if you get seven years bad luck-- You know, it's not safe to keep a gun cocked like that, even if you are just pointing it at a mirror.
Turn around and put your hands on your head.
Now, for that, you really are going to have to find the real me.
Oh, my God, are you kidding me? Pshht! What? Why would you shoot a mirror? Carlo, it's you.
I'm holding your lapel.
Now, you're done.
It's over.
You're gonna cut your hand on that broken mirror.
Where is she? Just say it, dude.
Say what? Say you don't know whether or not this is the real me or just a reflection in a mirror.
Really? I'll tell you where she is.
Okay, I don't know whether the you I'm holding onto is really you Or the reflection in a mirror.
Or a reflection in the mirror.
Mm, all there was to it.
She's under the floorboards by the entrance.
Oh.
I win, detective.
I told you, but-- I mean, the mirror told you, but, well, you know.
Oh, [bleep.]
.
Would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf? Me? Oh, dude, straight up, let me get that vamp situation.
You know why? It looks like it hurts to become a werewolf.
True.
That looks like it hurts, so a part of me goes, like, "I'd rather be hungry-- "I'd rather be intensely hungry than have my bones crack and then reset in the morning.
" Yeah, you don't want that.
I don't-- I'm a wuss.
- I don't need any of that.
- Here's the thing.
Vampires be living forever.
I mean, you can't die as a vampire.
But you could if you got a stake through the heart.
- Truth.
Truth.
- So you could just say that.
You could, "You know what? "I've been up in this bitch "800 years, ready to die.
" It's vampire suicide.
But if I provoked a vampire hunter, and he just went s-slicing through my-- - Mm-hmm.
- Good.
Or I'd say to a person, "Listen, I'm a vampire.
"I need you to come to this address tomorrow.
"I'm gonna be in my coffin.
"I'll leave it unlocked.
" And just get Kevorkian on it.
Just go Kevorks.
Wouldn't that be the best? Dude, that would be the best job for Dr.
Kevorkian.
Just be a vampire hunter.
All right, so that's just working easily then.
Go for it, man.
Okay, good.
Good, good, good.
Oh, that's nuts, man.
Okay, we got to hurry up.
Bring on the weed.
- Okay, just got to-- - Break it out there.
- Hey.
- Oh! Sorry.
Sorry.
You all want to do some of that God drug? No.
What the [bleep.]
? Who's this guy? You all ever heard of the God drug? I've-- I've never heard of that.
AKA slayer, cutty-cutty, double cutty, Elmo, cat vag.
Okay.
Long Island brain slice, Funt.
- Funt? - Funt.
Funt, I've heard of that.
It takes all your greatest fears and insecurities, and it gives them teeth and arms, and then it locks you in a room with them from which you cannot escape.
Oh, that sounds terrible.
- Yeah, I don't want that, man.
- None of those words are good.
You realize the face of God is somewhere inside your body, but you can't find it, and it hates you.
Um, okay, none of us are interested in this drug.
Thank you, sir.
Nice meeting you.
Let's hear him out.
Let's hear him out.
It's a razor sharp crystal you tuck under your eyelid.
- Ooh.
- Ugh.
And then when your ocular cavity starts bleeding, It goes directly into your brain.
I feel like there's got to be a good part.
Yeah, you've just described a life-wrecking physical addiction.
If you'd let him finish-- If you'd let him finish, he's gonna get to the euphoria, I'm sure.
Just when you can't take any more, you poop your mouth.
- I'm sorry, what? - You poop in your mouth? No, you poop out of your mouth.
I'm in.
Guys, if people will really go through this, the high must be amazing.
Buddy, remember when you did mushrooms and you cried for three hours? - This is worse than that.
- Yeah.
- Oh, the eyes.
Oh, oh! Oh, God! It hurts! - Oh, Jeb.
- Oh, that hurts! When does it start working? How should I know? I don't do drugs.
Drugs are for losers.
This is him.
Yeah, this is him.
Well, I'm very sorry, sir.
Hold on a second.
Wait.
Is this him? Oh, take your time, sir.
There's no rush.
Yes, yes, yes, it's definitely him.
Okay, so if you make your way-- Wait.
It seems like him.
Yes, yes, it very much could be him.
So this-- this is him? Although Hmm.
Let me just-- Okay, I'm sorry.
Sir, I know that you're blind, but you're gonna have to make a decision.
Oh, I'm not blind.
Oh, thank God.
I'm not a mortician.
And I'm not dead, but please don't stop on my account.
Shh.
It's definitely not him.
a brilliant charity idea, because really, I mean, it just looks real good.
It looks real good.
They get donations out their ass, Make-A-Wish.
My thing is, I wonder if the Make-A-Wish people, like-- it's like, "oh, I'm gonna go parasailing with you.
" - Right.
- That's my only thing.
I'm like, "Wait a minute, do you get to go with the kid?" "I thought you just organized the wishes, but--" "And then you went back to your office.
"Why are you up in there parasailing?" "Why are you going first? What the hell? "I'm the kid.
" "Are you sure that this kid's wish was to go to the bikini contest at carnival in Brazil?" - They could be making that up.
- Who knows, right? I'm not gonna just start giving all my money to people I don't know, right? - I mean, that doesn't-- - Right.
Well, that's-- That's charity.
Hi, you must be Liam.
Hey, buddy, how are you feeling today? I'm feeling fine, Dr.
Gupta.
Just fine.
This is Marion Glass, and she's from the Make-A-Wish foundation.
Marion Glass.
How are you feeling today, Liam? - I'm fine, Marion Glass.
- Good.
Well, I have some news that might make you feel a little better, huh? We at the Make-A-Wish Foundation make dreams come true for little boys and little girls who are very sick just like you.
There are no children like me, Marion Glass.
Oh, of course not.
You're one of a kind, but we're gonna make any dream come true that you could ever have, okay? Anything? That's right, buddy.
That's right.
Would you like to play with your favorite basketball team? What about be Superman for a day? I wish to drown a man.
What? To drown a man in the bathtub.
To hold him down while the last breath escapes his body, and then bathe in that water, all the while singing, La-la, la-la La-la, la Liam.
You said anything.
Well, s-surely we don't want to hurt other people, Now, do we, kiddo? Anything else? Fly in a hot air balloon or meet a celebrity? My new wish is to lean over the body of a dying man and put my lips on his, stealing his last breath.
Liam.
No one will get hurt.
Absolutely not.
I don't even know where you-- I wish to take all the prosthetic legs in the hospital and bind them together with the dried flesh of the dead into a webbed massive creature, - and-- - Liam! - I am so sorry, Ms.
Glass.
- It's all right.
He-- He doesn't know what he's saying.
I wish to pee in your mouth.
- What? - Both of you.
Mine? - Especially you.
- Oh.
I wish to pee in both of your mouths As I stand over you.
I'll need a glass of water in ten minutes.
Enough, you little [bleep.]
! Dr.
Gupta! No.
You are reprehensible.
You are evil.
You are a devil child.
Dr.
Gupta, he's not a devil child.
He's just a child.
You have no business working in a pediatric ward.
- What? - I'm gonna report you.
Shame on you, Gupta Shame on you, Gupta You really upset Marion Glass.
This is insane.
You've made me question everything that I've ever believed about the essential goodness of children.
Wish granted.
I am dying though.
Hi, Quentin.
Oh, doctor.
I just wanted to report that the surgery went off without a hitch and that your heart transplant was a complete success.
Oh, I'm so happy to be alive.
I bet.
I bet.
Well, thankfully the Affordable Health Care act allowed you to be insured and put on a donor list even with your preexisting conditions.
I'm truly, truly thankful.
This is an instance of Obamacare literally saving a life.
Obamacare? Oh, no, you don't.
You are not putting Big Government into my body.
Ugh.
Oh! Um, could-- could you go get me some ice? We should probably save this.
But what scares you? Because, I mean, I know that you're a connoisseur.
I know that you get scared, but you're also a connoisseur.
Mm Poverty.
The injustices of the real world.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah!