Key and Peele (2012) s04e08 Episode Script
Terrible Henchman
Oh.
Oh.
Hoo, mama.
Oh, yeah, there it is.
There it is.
There we go.
Oh, man.
Why? Whoo! Okay.
Let's start peeing.
There we go.
What the f-- You know, like, in a spy movie or, like, a James Bond movie, there will always be, like, a colorful henchman.
That guy is 99% of the time more feminine than the lead.
Than the l-- Yes, exactly.
Gay people are evil is what they're trying to say.
Gay people is evil-- That's what they're trying to say.
- That's what's going on.
- We know what you're doing.
These dudes is putting the alpha bad-ass type in the lead, 'cause that's what pure goodness is.
Right, right.
And then the fop.
Well, the fop is trying to kill the president.
I'm a dangerous fop.
Talking about Clear and Present Danger.
Talking about In the Line of Fire, right? - Oh, man.
- Plip.
Wait a minute, what did I just pound out? - What movie? - In the Line of Fire.
- In the Line of Fire.
- Yeah, man.
What did I say-- Clear and Present Danger? In the Line of Fire.
Different political sentence title.
That's the one.
Yeah, right.
Well, well, well Jack, welcome.
Make yourself comfortable.
You're going to be here for quite some time.
You'll never get away with this, Dravic.
That is all, Daquan.
Leave us.
Now, where were we, then? You're wasting your time, Dravic.
The military codes were destroyed.
Is that so? I think you're bluffing, Jack, And I am about to call your bluff.
You see, Jack, I am a player in this game.
But I'm also the dealer.
I hold all of the cards.
You see, Jack, if I were to go all-in, you would not be able to cover the bet.
What are you doing? I was thinking, like, maybe I could be, like, your torturing assistant Or something? I could be in the room with you and be that guy that stands in the background all intimidating-like.
And that way-- Fine, fine.
Over there, and keep your trap shut.
Yeah, that's what i-- that's what I was thinking.
Are you two done with your little ladies' chat? Oh! Shouldn't have said that.
You know, Jack, it's very apropos that you would say that, because I feel like we should have a chat.
And when I say "we," i mean just you and me.
Are you a chess player, Jack? Sure.
So then you are aware that each piece serves a different function.
You s-- Whereas you are merely a pawn, you see, Jack, I am a queen.
I am allowed to move around the board with impunity.
What is with the lollipop? Yo, man, I was thinking, like, maybe during your chess speech, you could suck on this lollipop, 'cause then that shows him, like, you so comfortable with torture, you just do something stupid like sucking on a lollipop.
You see what I'm saying? I need you to go over there right now.
I need you to be still.
Okay? - Or-- - No.
There is absolutely no "or" involved.
- Go over there.
- Okay.
You shouldn't call yourself a queen, though, 'cause where I'm from, that means something different than what-- Shh.
Jack I've been waiting for this moment for a very, very long time.
I wanted to make an introduction to your new best friend.
I'll never talk.
Oh, this will make you talk, Jack.
Plus, you don't even need to stab him at first.
You could just, like, caress his cheek with the blade-- something just real, like, crazy.
- Yeah, I got it.
I got it.
- Yeah, you good.
That's what I was planning on doing.
I'm sorry.
Where did we find you? Shaquan's cousin.
Who is Shaquan? - Shaquan.
- No, no.
I'm asking you who he is.
He got kicked into some lava, so that's when I came in.
Okay.
That's wonderful.
I need you to go over there, and I need you to be stock-still, like a statue.
- Ah, yeah, yeah.
- Now.
Like, you need to keep moving in that direction.
No.
Yeah, I'm good.
Jack The military codes are not even the primary reason why you are here.
I wanted you all to myself.
He's standing back there like an actual statue, isn't he? Yeah, it's weird.
God damn him.
Daquan, you don't have to stand like an actual statue-- not literally.
I didn't mean it literally.
Oh, all right.
I thought that sounded stupid when you said that originally.
Yeah, it would be stupid for a person to do something like that.
Shoot, 'cause I didn't know.
I was like, "What? "That doesn't make"-- Okay.
Jack Today you will experience the most exquisite pain.
- I may or may not-- - Oh! Yo! We got pictures of his girlfriend.
- Uh-huh.
- That's it.
That's pretty much torture over right there.
You could just show him pictures of his girlfriend, and he'll do whatever you say.
There it is.
Oh! You know what? Even better-- We got a cage.
It's got a hole at the bottom, so you could put that over his head.
And this other hole-- you could put, like, A rat or a scorpion up in there.
That's what it's there for, Daquan, all right? That is what it is there for in the first place.
All of the implements that you're seeing on the table there are there for a particular reason! What about that? Oh! You know what? Daquan, would you like to be involved? That's what I was thinking since the beginning.
I was thinking Maybe you should just tell him, like, the military codes.
I smoked weed, like, you know, five times in my whole life.
- Uh-huh.
- And one time, man I don't know if it was good weed or if there was something in the weed, but I was just, like-- everything I saw was like colorforms.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- And there was this one girl who I went to school with, she just looked like-- her face was, like, straight craggy, like a cartoon you might see.
In real life or A little in real life, but then it was super-- - It accentuated.
- It got accentuated.
And I was just "stwiped" out for, like, 48 hours.
And I had to go to the pet store the next day and just hang out, look at some fish 'cause I was-- I was jacked out.
Yeah, you did.
And then I got super sad, and then I threw up in my beard.
And then I was like, "This is not good.
" You had a beard! I had a big-ass-- big James Harden beard.
Okay, students, settle down.
Settle down.
That includes you, Mr.
Rodriguez.
Do you want to take the milk carton off of your head? Thank you so much.
We have a special guest today.
He's from this neighborhood, And he's a former gang member, and he's coming here this morning to talk to you about life choices.
So, please, give a warm Central High School welcome to Donnie Herrera.
I used to be just like you Just like you, you, you, you.
Used to clown around Make fun of the principal Put milk on my head, just like you, Rodriguez.
And then I got hit with AIDS.
Consequences.
Got into some real trouble, boy.
Stole from my mom and dad Stole from my own sister! And then one day A piano fell on my head.
- What? - Consequences.
I feel like he missed a step there.
Gave me 88 concussions, one for each key.
You'd think I'm learning, but, no.
See, I'm just like you.
I got back out there, started making some real crimes, homeboy.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And then I got trampled by a herd of buffalo.
- What? - Consequences.
Okay, Donnie, I think we've had enough.
Not done with my story! I was like you! I decided it'd be cool to hang out with some of the tough kids.
Mm.
You know who I'm talking about.
They were hanging on the streets late at night.
More than cigarette smokers, homes.
And then One day I got shot out of a catapult.
That's it.
Okay.
Into the mouth of a dragon! Students, everything you've heard here today is a lie.
I don't lie anymore.
You're all excused.
Everyone report to your first-period class.
- Look at me! - Please, I apologize.
I shouldn't even be here! Thank you, Aurelio.
I apologize, Denise.
So I got really deep into crime.
I did a drive-by at my own daughter's quinceañera! Yeah, shot up everybody-- dead, killed! Yeah! Yeah! Then I got sucked into a wormhole.
Consequences.
That's it.
Okay.
Everybody go.
I was in another dimension, tried to introduce my own parents to each other.
Almost failed.
Arm was disappearing.
I've had it.
I invented "Johnny B.
Goode" at my parents' prom, And at the last moment, they kissed, and it came back.
The faster we get away from him, the better.
But nobody believe me! Where's my crack? Where's my crack? Oh.
Oh! Consequences! What up, Vegas? What up, Vegas? Yo! - What's up? - Three days Me and you, free drinks, naked biotches.
This is gonna be our [bleep.]
right here, dog.
This is gonna be my-- Let's get some jams going up in this bitch right now! Yeah.
Number one track in the country right now, "Roll with Me".
Oh, [bleep.]
! That's my jam right there.
I love this song.
I love this song too, man.
Everybody loves this song.
What, uh-huh.
What? Roll with me, roll with me Light the night on fire with me Girl, you know that I got what you need, see Don't get greedy Give it up sweetly Let me set that body free 'cause what you got, you got to give it to me - What? - What? Light the night on fire with me Ever since I was rocking a onesie I know that you was second to none, B Growing up And learning ABCs and 1, 2, 3s Hoping you'd learn we Were meant to be Even way back then Every little [bleep.]
's not a perfect ten But then you know, I grow up And got a little bit older, a little bit bolder Brushing off my shoulders, almost a man Those playground feelings grew stronger Couldn't wait much longer - Now with me - Roll-- You belong, girl Roll with me, roll with me Light the night on fire with me Here's your verse, take it right now Presentate And I ain't playing On top of the game and the life I be playin' Listen close to the [bleep.]
I be sayin' No, no, what the hell? Don't turn it off just 'cause you don't know it.
What are we gonna do when we get to Vegas? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Don't change the subject about what we gonna do in Vegas.
If you don't know the words, just admit you don't know the words.
I know the words.
I told you.
Why would I make up that I know-- don't know-- That's ridiculous, man.
No, I know the words.
It seems like you didn't know the words.
I know the wor-- Hey, list-- Hey, listen to me, man.
- What? What? - I know the words to that song.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Everybody knows.
No, no, it's not okay, 'cause you obviously don't believe me.
Hey, dude, on our friendship I know the words to "Roll with Me".
Okay.
I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
- Just let it go.
I'm sorry.
That was stupid.
Stupid.
I'll turn it back up.
Ha, ha, yo! I love that track so much.
I'm sorry, I got to play it again.
This is "Roll with Me".
101.
3 K-Beat.
Roll with me, roll with me Light the night on fire with me Yeah, that really hurt.
You know what? Let's do the scene where you're Pacino and I'm De Niro from Heat.
- Oh, all right.
- Okay.
So You got to know, I get a chance to take you out, I'm gonna take that shot.
And I need you to know that I will do the same.
I understand.
I need you to understand as well that I understand.
Is this too much? That's a little too much.
It looks like someone's grabbing your-- or holding, like, the tip of your penis.
Looks like somebody's just, like, pinching the tip of your penis.
Like you're going, "Hoygen.
" Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Give me a roll.
Which one you want? - Give me both of them, man.
- Okay.
I'll decide which one I want when I want to eat it.
Maybe you want some of these vegetables too? Nah, nah.
Okay.
Just saying, man.
The nutrients is good for maintaining energy levels, so I know what the [bleep.]
a vegetable is, man.
Don't tell me what a vegetable is, man.
Hey.
I'm a grown-ass man, all right? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
This three-bean salad is the bomb, though.
Oh, snap.
They got three-bean salad up in there? - Mm-hmm.
- I didn't even see that.
You want some of mine? Yeah.
Okay.
Open the hangar.
What you doing? Nuh-uh.
You don't do that.
You don't feed me like a kid, man.
- I'm a grown-ass man.
- Okay.
Yeah, sure.
You got some schmutz right here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Get off my face, [bleep.]
! You never touch a grown man's face! That's right.
I'm sorry, okay? - You are a grown-ass-- - Hey, hey, hey! I don't need you to pat my back! I'm a grown-ass man! - What you doing? - I know you're a grown-- I don't want to hear it anymore about grown-ass man.
- That's what I am.
- I don't want to hear it-- - Why you have to treat me-- - Shh.
Shh.
You're treating me like a kid.
This is not the place for this kind of-- Don't start acting up again.
- 'cause you're making me angry.
- Okay.
Then I need you to breathe a little bit.
Can you breathe? Take a breath.
Just breathe.
Don't you tell me how to breathe.
No, [bleep.]
, I want a mother[bleep.]
inside voice up in this bitch.
Don't be getting loud up around these white people.
You treat me like a baby, but I'm not a baby.
- Are you not a baby? - I'm not a baby.
Who pee-peed theirself? - Who left the pee-pee, huh? - I pee-peed.
- Did you pee-pee yourself? - Just a little bit.
Okay, then let's go to the bathroom and change, okay? - I don't want to change.
- You got to change.
Get your hands off of me! Is that how we behave? Is that how we behave? Stupid bitch! Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You a grown-ass man.
You a grown-ass man.
Are you a-- Who's a grown-ass man? - You a grown-ass man.
Okay? - I am.
- You a grown-ass man, right? - I am.
And you know what grown-ass men do? You go to the bathroom and change your pants when you got the pee-pee, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay, let's go.
Let's go, all right? Excuse me, everybody.
I'm sorry, but my son got that Benjamin Button's disease.
Um, he's four.
You know what would be the worst way to die? Oh, God.
If-- I'm hanging from a cliff, and you're holding on to me, and I'm like, making eye contact.
- Right, right, right.
- And then I go Oh, no.
And you let go of me? - No.
- Or you slipped? You slipped? - I slipped - You slipped.
Because you didn't hold me long enough.
The moment that you know that you slipped, and you know you're done.
And I question whether or not you let me go on purpose.
I guarantee you I would not let you go on purpose.
- Can I say something to you? - Yeah.
- Just for-- Just for my own thing - Yeah.
I don't mean to be selfish, but I'm gonna just say this.
- Okay.
- You've got sweaty palms.
There's a really good chance of you slipping the [bleep.]
right out of my hand.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah!
Oh.
Hoo, mama.
Oh, yeah, there it is.
There it is.
There we go.
Oh, man.
Why? Whoo! Okay.
Let's start peeing.
There we go.
What the f-- You know, like, in a spy movie or, like, a James Bond movie, there will always be, like, a colorful henchman.
That guy is 99% of the time more feminine than the lead.
Than the l-- Yes, exactly.
Gay people are evil is what they're trying to say.
Gay people is evil-- That's what they're trying to say.
- That's what's going on.
- We know what you're doing.
These dudes is putting the alpha bad-ass type in the lead, 'cause that's what pure goodness is.
Right, right.
And then the fop.
Well, the fop is trying to kill the president.
I'm a dangerous fop.
Talking about Clear and Present Danger.
Talking about In the Line of Fire, right? - Oh, man.
- Plip.
Wait a minute, what did I just pound out? - What movie? - In the Line of Fire.
- In the Line of Fire.
- Yeah, man.
What did I say-- Clear and Present Danger? In the Line of Fire.
Different political sentence title.
That's the one.
Yeah, right.
Well, well, well Jack, welcome.
Make yourself comfortable.
You're going to be here for quite some time.
You'll never get away with this, Dravic.
That is all, Daquan.
Leave us.
Now, where were we, then? You're wasting your time, Dravic.
The military codes were destroyed.
Is that so? I think you're bluffing, Jack, And I am about to call your bluff.
You see, Jack, I am a player in this game.
But I'm also the dealer.
I hold all of the cards.
You see, Jack, if I were to go all-in, you would not be able to cover the bet.
What are you doing? I was thinking, like, maybe I could be, like, your torturing assistant Or something? I could be in the room with you and be that guy that stands in the background all intimidating-like.
And that way-- Fine, fine.
Over there, and keep your trap shut.
Yeah, that's what i-- that's what I was thinking.
Are you two done with your little ladies' chat? Oh! Shouldn't have said that.
You know, Jack, it's very apropos that you would say that, because I feel like we should have a chat.
And when I say "we," i mean just you and me.
Are you a chess player, Jack? Sure.
So then you are aware that each piece serves a different function.
You s-- Whereas you are merely a pawn, you see, Jack, I am a queen.
I am allowed to move around the board with impunity.
What is with the lollipop? Yo, man, I was thinking, like, maybe during your chess speech, you could suck on this lollipop, 'cause then that shows him, like, you so comfortable with torture, you just do something stupid like sucking on a lollipop.
You see what I'm saying? I need you to go over there right now.
I need you to be still.
Okay? - Or-- - No.
There is absolutely no "or" involved.
- Go over there.
- Okay.
You shouldn't call yourself a queen, though, 'cause where I'm from, that means something different than what-- Shh.
Jack I've been waiting for this moment for a very, very long time.
I wanted to make an introduction to your new best friend.
I'll never talk.
Oh, this will make you talk, Jack.
Plus, you don't even need to stab him at first.
You could just, like, caress his cheek with the blade-- something just real, like, crazy.
- Yeah, I got it.
I got it.
- Yeah, you good.
That's what I was planning on doing.
I'm sorry.
Where did we find you? Shaquan's cousin.
Who is Shaquan? - Shaquan.
- No, no.
I'm asking you who he is.
He got kicked into some lava, so that's when I came in.
Okay.
That's wonderful.
I need you to go over there, and I need you to be stock-still, like a statue.
- Ah, yeah, yeah.
- Now.
Like, you need to keep moving in that direction.
No.
Yeah, I'm good.
Jack The military codes are not even the primary reason why you are here.
I wanted you all to myself.
He's standing back there like an actual statue, isn't he? Yeah, it's weird.
God damn him.
Daquan, you don't have to stand like an actual statue-- not literally.
I didn't mean it literally.
Oh, all right.
I thought that sounded stupid when you said that originally.
Yeah, it would be stupid for a person to do something like that.
Shoot, 'cause I didn't know.
I was like, "What? "That doesn't make"-- Okay.
Jack Today you will experience the most exquisite pain.
- I may or may not-- - Oh! Yo! We got pictures of his girlfriend.
- Uh-huh.
- That's it.
That's pretty much torture over right there.
You could just show him pictures of his girlfriend, and he'll do whatever you say.
There it is.
Oh! You know what? Even better-- We got a cage.
It's got a hole at the bottom, so you could put that over his head.
And this other hole-- you could put, like, A rat or a scorpion up in there.
That's what it's there for, Daquan, all right? That is what it is there for in the first place.
All of the implements that you're seeing on the table there are there for a particular reason! What about that? Oh! You know what? Daquan, would you like to be involved? That's what I was thinking since the beginning.
I was thinking Maybe you should just tell him, like, the military codes.
I smoked weed, like, you know, five times in my whole life.
- Uh-huh.
- And one time, man I don't know if it was good weed or if there was something in the weed, but I was just, like-- everything I saw was like colorforms.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- And there was this one girl who I went to school with, she just looked like-- her face was, like, straight craggy, like a cartoon you might see.
In real life or A little in real life, but then it was super-- - It accentuated.
- It got accentuated.
And I was just "stwiped" out for, like, 48 hours.
And I had to go to the pet store the next day and just hang out, look at some fish 'cause I was-- I was jacked out.
Yeah, you did.
And then I got super sad, and then I threw up in my beard.
And then I was like, "This is not good.
" You had a beard! I had a big-ass-- big James Harden beard.
Okay, students, settle down.
Settle down.
That includes you, Mr.
Rodriguez.
Do you want to take the milk carton off of your head? Thank you so much.
We have a special guest today.
He's from this neighborhood, And he's a former gang member, and he's coming here this morning to talk to you about life choices.
So, please, give a warm Central High School welcome to Donnie Herrera.
I used to be just like you Just like you, you, you, you.
Used to clown around Make fun of the principal Put milk on my head, just like you, Rodriguez.
And then I got hit with AIDS.
Consequences.
Got into some real trouble, boy.
Stole from my mom and dad Stole from my own sister! And then one day A piano fell on my head.
- What? - Consequences.
I feel like he missed a step there.
Gave me 88 concussions, one for each key.
You'd think I'm learning, but, no.
See, I'm just like you.
I got back out there, started making some real crimes, homeboy.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And then I got trampled by a herd of buffalo.
- What? - Consequences.
Okay, Donnie, I think we've had enough.
Not done with my story! I was like you! I decided it'd be cool to hang out with some of the tough kids.
Mm.
You know who I'm talking about.
They were hanging on the streets late at night.
More than cigarette smokers, homes.
And then One day I got shot out of a catapult.
That's it.
Okay.
Into the mouth of a dragon! Students, everything you've heard here today is a lie.
I don't lie anymore.
You're all excused.
Everyone report to your first-period class.
- Look at me! - Please, I apologize.
I shouldn't even be here! Thank you, Aurelio.
I apologize, Denise.
So I got really deep into crime.
I did a drive-by at my own daughter's quinceañera! Yeah, shot up everybody-- dead, killed! Yeah! Yeah! Then I got sucked into a wormhole.
Consequences.
That's it.
Okay.
Everybody go.
I was in another dimension, tried to introduce my own parents to each other.
Almost failed.
Arm was disappearing.
I've had it.
I invented "Johnny B.
Goode" at my parents' prom, And at the last moment, they kissed, and it came back.
The faster we get away from him, the better.
But nobody believe me! Where's my crack? Where's my crack? Oh.
Oh! Consequences! What up, Vegas? What up, Vegas? Yo! - What's up? - Three days Me and you, free drinks, naked biotches.
This is gonna be our [bleep.]
right here, dog.
This is gonna be my-- Let's get some jams going up in this bitch right now! Yeah.
Number one track in the country right now, "Roll with Me".
Oh, [bleep.]
! That's my jam right there.
I love this song.
I love this song too, man.
Everybody loves this song.
What, uh-huh.
What? Roll with me, roll with me Light the night on fire with me Girl, you know that I got what you need, see Don't get greedy Give it up sweetly Let me set that body free 'cause what you got, you got to give it to me - What? - What? Light the night on fire with me Ever since I was rocking a onesie I know that you was second to none, B Growing up And learning ABCs and 1, 2, 3s Hoping you'd learn we Were meant to be Even way back then Every little [bleep.]
's not a perfect ten But then you know, I grow up And got a little bit older, a little bit bolder Brushing off my shoulders, almost a man Those playground feelings grew stronger Couldn't wait much longer - Now with me - Roll-- You belong, girl Roll with me, roll with me Light the night on fire with me Here's your verse, take it right now Presentate And I ain't playing On top of the game and the life I be playin' Listen close to the [bleep.]
I be sayin' No, no, what the hell? Don't turn it off just 'cause you don't know it.
What are we gonna do when we get to Vegas? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Don't change the subject about what we gonna do in Vegas.
If you don't know the words, just admit you don't know the words.
I know the words.
I told you.
Why would I make up that I know-- don't know-- That's ridiculous, man.
No, I know the words.
It seems like you didn't know the words.
I know the wor-- Hey, list-- Hey, listen to me, man.
- What? What? - I know the words to that song.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Everybody knows.
No, no, it's not okay, 'cause you obviously don't believe me.
Hey, dude, on our friendship I know the words to "Roll with Me".
Okay.
I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
- Just let it go.
I'm sorry.
That was stupid.
Stupid.
I'll turn it back up.
Ha, ha, yo! I love that track so much.
I'm sorry, I got to play it again.
This is "Roll with Me".
101.
3 K-Beat.
Roll with me, roll with me Light the night on fire with me Yeah, that really hurt.
You know what? Let's do the scene where you're Pacino and I'm De Niro from Heat.
- Oh, all right.
- Okay.
So You got to know, I get a chance to take you out, I'm gonna take that shot.
And I need you to know that I will do the same.
I understand.
I need you to understand as well that I understand.
Is this too much? That's a little too much.
It looks like someone's grabbing your-- or holding, like, the tip of your penis.
Looks like somebody's just, like, pinching the tip of your penis.
Like you're going, "Hoygen.
" Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Give me a roll.
Which one you want? - Give me both of them, man.
- Okay.
I'll decide which one I want when I want to eat it.
Maybe you want some of these vegetables too? Nah, nah.
Okay.
Just saying, man.
The nutrients is good for maintaining energy levels, so I know what the [bleep.]
a vegetable is, man.
Don't tell me what a vegetable is, man.
Hey.
I'm a grown-ass man, all right? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
This three-bean salad is the bomb, though.
Oh, snap.
They got three-bean salad up in there? - Mm-hmm.
- I didn't even see that.
You want some of mine? Yeah.
Okay.
Open the hangar.
What you doing? Nuh-uh.
You don't do that.
You don't feed me like a kid, man.
- I'm a grown-ass man.
- Okay.
Yeah, sure.
You got some schmutz right here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Get off my face, [bleep.]
! You never touch a grown man's face! That's right.
I'm sorry, okay? - You are a grown-ass-- - Hey, hey, hey! I don't need you to pat my back! I'm a grown-ass man! - What you doing? - I know you're a grown-- I don't want to hear it anymore about grown-ass man.
- That's what I am.
- I don't want to hear it-- - Why you have to treat me-- - Shh.
Shh.
You're treating me like a kid.
This is not the place for this kind of-- Don't start acting up again.
- 'cause you're making me angry.
- Okay.
Then I need you to breathe a little bit.
Can you breathe? Take a breath.
Just breathe.
Don't you tell me how to breathe.
No, [bleep.]
, I want a mother[bleep.]
inside voice up in this bitch.
Don't be getting loud up around these white people.
You treat me like a baby, but I'm not a baby.
- Are you not a baby? - I'm not a baby.
Who pee-peed theirself? - Who left the pee-pee, huh? - I pee-peed.
- Did you pee-pee yourself? - Just a little bit.
Okay, then let's go to the bathroom and change, okay? - I don't want to change.
- You got to change.
Get your hands off of me! Is that how we behave? Is that how we behave? Stupid bitch! Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You a grown-ass man.
You a grown-ass man.
Are you a-- Who's a grown-ass man? - You a grown-ass man.
Okay? - I am.
- You a grown-ass man, right? - I am.
And you know what grown-ass men do? You go to the bathroom and change your pants when you got the pee-pee, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay, let's go.
Let's go, all right? Excuse me, everybody.
I'm sorry, but my son got that Benjamin Button's disease.
Um, he's four.
You know what would be the worst way to die? Oh, God.
If-- I'm hanging from a cliff, and you're holding on to me, and I'm like, making eye contact.
- Right, right, right.
- And then I go Oh, no.
And you let go of me? - No.
- Or you slipped? You slipped? - I slipped - You slipped.
Because you didn't hold me long enough.
The moment that you know that you slipped, and you know you're done.
And I question whether or not you let me go on purpose.
I guarantee you I would not let you go on purpose.
- Can I say something to you? - Yeah.
- Just for-- Just for my own thing - Yeah.
I don't mean to be selfish, but I'm gonna just say this.
- Okay.
- You've got sweaty palms.
There's a really good chance of you slipping the [bleep.]
right out of my hand.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah!