Key and Peele (2012) s05e11 Episode Script

Who you gonna call? (LAUGHS) Hi.
I'm Ray Parker, Jr.
, writer and performer of the Academy Award-nominated hit single Ghostbusters from the major motion picture Ghostbusters.
But that's just one song.
I've written so many other major motion picture theme songs and submitted 'em throughout the years.
Now they're available and together for one specially priced compilation.
Songs like You tried to play the game But it's driving you insane Jumanji Danger in the jungle Jumanji There's a lion in my house Come on, Mr.
Computer Throw me a bone I said, Lawnmower Man Get up off of my lawn When Armageddon is near You better get out of here Looking like a deep impact I ain't afraid of no 'stroid Watch out behind you That's where I'm gonna find you Pelican Brief It's getting legal, y'all These songs have only been heard by the highest level of industry decision makers, but now you can feel like a Hollywood executive in your own home.
I'll see your Face Off Bad guy walking around It's a face-off (CHUCKLES) That ain't even your face Passion of the Christ Get me down off of this cross Passion of the Christ You know, my daddy is the boss Disturbia That's not even a word Gonna unnerve ya Now, there's a whole lot of kinky Bet that room is stinky Fifty shades of Grey (CHUCKLES) All right, white people.
Who's a slave? I'm not a slave Uh-oh 12 Years a Slave Whoops! (IMITATES WHIP CRACK) There's one thing I know.
It's that persistence makes perfection.
(CHUCKLES) Sure, Hollywood missed out, but that doesn't mean you have to.
Down in the basement What's going on? It's an apt pupil There's a kid and a Nazi down there MALE ANNOUNCER: Order now to receive your free copy of Bobby Sings the Twos! Theme songs to sequels that were never made.
(THEME SONG PLAYING) MAN: (SINGING) Crazy, crazy Does is crazy Make up for adjustment You jammin' on the verse First one's planned that you want to do All I want But I don't need you What was the very first sketch we ever did? - I think we started with Bitch.
- Did we start with Bitch? Oh.
In history, I mean In that moment.
The greatest comedy or otherwise show ever made.
Okay, well, I I I do enjoy our show.
You think it's the best show ever made? Pure classic.
It's us, then, like, Dallas, then The Twilight Zone.
There's a list out there.
Key & Peele, Dallas, - Twilight Zone.
- Just talking influential.
Huge.
I'm a visionary.
I think that it's very possible, like, we'll go down like the Like the Wright brothers.
Like, they're gonna be It's gonna be one of these things where we're Am I Am I going too far? - Am I over blowing it? - Over blowing it a little bit.
I really just wanted to know what the first scene was.
Oh.
Vince, I, uh, I have that quarterly analysis that you asked for.
I had a quarter of these nuts on your chin.
(CLEARS THROAT) Right.
It's just that I wanted to review some of these numbers with you.
It seems like our earnings are low against our original projections.
These nuts were low against your chin.
You know, Vince, if you ever need to talk to me about something, I'm more than happy to listen.
These nuts would be more than happy to rest against your chin.
(SIGHS) Hey, look, you've been doing this for about a week now, and it was kind of funny at first.
These nuts were kind of funny against your chin.
Vince, I'm worried about you.
I was worried about these nuts on your chin.
Vince, seriously.
(SIGHS) (WHISPERING) These nuts were seriously on your chin.
Mr.
Graham, I just got a call from St.
Mary's Hospital, and your parents were in a serious car accident.
I'm so sorry, but your mother is dead, and your father is on life support.
(CRYING) These nuts were supporting life on your chin.
(CRYING) Oh, my God.
Sorry, Amber.
Vince, you gotta stop it.
Your mother just passed away.
These nuts passed away on your chin.
No, they didn't.
They didn't.
Vince.
Listen, you gotta leave here right now and go be with your dad.
This could be the last time that you get to see him.
This could be the last time I get to see my nuts on your God damn it, Vincent.
Your father might be dying.
These nuts might be dying on your chin.
God damn it, Vince! Snap the fuck out of it! Your mother is dead.
Right.
You're right.
- You okay? - I'm okay.
You You're back.
(WHISPERING) I don't know what came over me.
- (WHISPERING) It's all right.
- (WHISPERING) It was so good.
(WHISPERING) It was It just It worked in every situation, and then it was I know.
I know.
(WHISPERING) And it was always, it was just so funny.
Well, it wasn't it wasn't that funny.
(WHISPERING) It was funny.
It really wasn't that funny, Vince.
(WHISPERING) It was really funny.
I would not go so far as to say it was really funny, Vince.
(WHISPERING) It was funny.
But it wasn't, though.
It was.
(WHISPERING) It wasn't.
- Agree to disagree.
It was funny.
- Okay.
(WHISPERING) It was funny.
One more time.
I'm just gonna go on record as saying it wasn't really that funny.
I'm gonna go see my dad.
It was funny.
It wasn't that funny.
Dad.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) Stay with me.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) Dad, I love you.
(MONITOR BEEPING) And I love These nuts on your chin.
(MONITOR CONTINUES BEEPING) DAD: These nuts on your chin.
(SOBBING) (WAILING) This is all about Susie Diaz.
It's Suzie Diaz's party.
Susie Diaz is running the show.
I'm just gonna show up.
If she needs me to bring beer or something, I'm more than happy to do it.
Oh, dude.
Oh, my God.
A woman just fainted.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
Oh Um (DIALING) (PHONE RINGING) (PHONE RINGING) Yes, yeah.
I'm at the corner of Fifth and Metropolitan, and I just came up across this woman, and she just passed out on the sidewalk here.
Okay.
And is she responsive, sir? Um Okay, sir? Is she responsive? Sir? Sir? - Um, no.
- Sir, if you can hear me.
She's not responsive.
She's Beautiful.
That is not relevant to this emergency, sir.
An ambulance is on its way.
In the meantime, I need you to check her pulse, sir.
Check her pulse.
Right, check her pulse.
Okay.
Does she have a pulse, sir? Oh, she does, but her skin is so soft.
Sir She doesn't have on a ton of makeup, but she's the kind of girl - that just doesn't need it.
- Sir You can see that she put a lot of thought into her outfit, but not like she's trying too hard.
She's perfect.
Sir, may I remind you that you have not spoken a word to this woman? I need you to see if she's breathing.
Is she breathing? Yeah, okay.
Hold on.
Sir, I need you to stay on track.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, she's not breathing! The love of my life is not breathing.
(SQUEALING) You gotta save my baby! Do you know how to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? Yes, I do.
Okay.
I need you to administer that now.
Okay, okay.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) No, no.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't do it.
I can't can't do it.
It's just It's disrespectful.
I have to be respectful for her.
Sir, this is the only time it's okay to put your mouth on an unconscious woman.
Do it.
I just didn't picture it happening this way, and there's butterflies in my stomach, and I'm just (BREATHING HEAVILY) I don't want to mess this up.
- It's so rare to find.
- Sir, if you can hear me, an ambulance is on its way.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- I need you to calm down.
- Oh, gosh, my head.
- Sir? - I'm so lightheaded.
- Sir, stay with me.
This is what it feels like to be in love.
This is what it must feel like when you when you find the one.
Sir, are you there? (BUSY TONE BEEPING) (SIRENS APPROACHING) Oh, God.
(DIALING) (PHONE RINGING) (PHONE RINGING) There's an attractive, confident, well-to-do black man.
He just passed out right here on the street.
Okay.
Ma'am, listen very carefully.
I'm going to need you to marry him.
(STUTTERING) Okay.
(GASPS) Shouldn't I give him, like, mouth to mouth first? Yeah, girl.
Get you some.
Shoot.
What would this country be like if black people Say we were brought over as slaves, and then early on, black people revolted, took over the country, and said these evil motherfuckers are now - are the lower class, these slaves.
- Do you know what'd happen then? Then the song Chocolate City by Parliament Funkadelic would be our national anthem.
That's right.
That's what it would be.
And white people would have a song talking about vanillas.
"Vanilla Village.
" (SINGING) Vanilla Village, where all the whites live Here's my question to you.
Would, then White people being the oppressed race, would they have the soul? Would they have invented the blues? Would there be black people who are trying to act cool like white people called "blonkies"? Man, look at these blonkies.
And you what the crazy thing is? Barack Obama would still be president.
He would still be president.
Spare some change? MAN: Sorry, man.
I ain't got nothing.
All right.
(POLICE SIREN BLARING) Hold it right there.
- (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - Let's see some ID.
I wasn't even doing anything, man.
- Are you talking back to me? - No.
I was just walking, man.
Look, there is no reason for you to get upset, sir.
- I'm not.
I'm not.
- All right, that's it.
- Put your hands on your head.
- Put my hands on my Put your hands on your head, yes! You had your chance.
Listen, man, can I just ask you, like, politely, what it is that I did? Think I was born yesterday? - Come on, man, I - POLICEMAN: Get in the car.
Duck your head.
(SCREAMS) (GRUNTING) (CLANGING) All right, Officer.
I'll take it from here.
Well, hi, Wally.
Good to see you.
He's all yours.
All right.
- What? - (POLICEMAN CHUCKLES) - Y'all have a good night.
- All right.
Thanks, man, but where are we going? I'm glad you asked.
Follow me.
Through there? (SCREAMS) - (GRUNTS) - (LAUGHS) Whoa.
Look at this place.
Where are we? Just be patient, and I'll show you.
Your suit changed.
Follow me to a place I know Where there ain't no pain, ain't no sorrow It's a place to be if your skin is brown I'm talking about Negrotown Negrotown? What, like Atlanta? (LAUGHS) Almost.
Now, be quiet while I sing.
In Negrotown, you can walk the street Without getting stopped, harassed, or beat And there's always a cab when you need to get around (HONKS) - And they always stop - In Negrotown I think I'm getting it.
It's like a utopia for black people.
Yeah.
But seriously, shut the fuck up.
You won't get followed when you try to shop (ALL SINGING) You can wear your hoodie and not get shot No white folks to cross the street in fear (ALL SINGING) No trigger happy cops or scared cashiers That loan application can't get turned down You're always approved in Negrotown This is amazing.
I know, right? (WOMEN SINGING) We're going down to Negrotown Where the strong black men are raining down There's light skinned, dark-skinned, every shade And there's no white bitches to take them away This sounds too good to be true.
It does, doesn't it? - But can a nigga finish a song? - Oh.
I mean, can a nigga finish? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(SINGING) In Negrotown, you'll live long and well There's no disease, no sickle cell No stupid ass white folks touching your hair Or stealing your coats or claiming it's theirs Hanging out in a group doesn't make you a gang Every word that you say ain't considered slang No one trying to get in on the latest trend By making you their token black friend It's a place where harmony is found (ALL SINGING) It's a motherfucking black playground Talking about Negrotown (ALL SINGING) Talking about Negro, talking about Negro Negro, Negro, Negro Talking about Negrotown MAN: Sir? Sir? Sir? - MAN: Sir? - (GROANING) - What? - MAN: All right, get up.
- (GROANS) - MAN: Let's go.
Get up.
Wait a sec.
Wait Wait Hold on.
What? I thought I was going to Negrotown.
Oh, you are.
- JORDAN: Can I give you an acting note? - Sure, yeah.
I mean 'cause, we're, you know, actors.
- We need to get notes from one another.
- We need to grow.
Try acting a character a little bit less.
(LAUGHS) I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Whoo! Okay, here we go.
(COUGHS) All right, I'm (CONTINUES LAUGHING) - I'm sorry.
- Get it.
Get it.
Get that laugh.
Get it out.
This is, like, an exercise.
(CONTINUES LAUGHING) Working them gigs.
- Got to get them gigs.
- (KEEGAN CONTINUES LAUGHING) Got to get them gigs.
(LAUGHS) Okay, fucking Fuck it! Fuck it! I'm here.
Fuck this shit! My name's Wendell, and I, too, am asexual.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It is true, though.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - Oh, yeah.
Thanks, man.
- Did you just call me "man"? That's how comfortable I am with you.
But if you were a guy, I'd still jam my fork in those fucking roast beef (LAUGHING) - Is there a Cyrano de Bergerac behind you? - (LAUGHING) I like how you're getting my side.
God, it's like you have three hands.
There it is.
(BOTH LAUGHING) No, Papi.
No, Papi.
No, Papi.
No! You're talking about no Papi? (BOTH LAUGHING) - I will skewer you with my dick! - Yeah? - Oh, yeah! - I'll take it! What else do you (LAUGHING) Destination wedding, baby, Acapulco, June 27th.
All right.
(LAUGHING) I wish them terrorists would try to even think about just dropping straight (LAUGHING) Ah, shit.
I'm gonna stay in this zone, though.
And now I clinch.
- Snap.
- (LAUGHING) You snap that nigga's dick off! Oh! (LAUGHS) Hold on a second.
I'm over here.
Wait a second.
Shit got caught up.
I'm caught up.
Hold up.
We were talking about breakfast.
- (BELCHES) - (BOTH LAUGHING) (WHISPERING) So that's what I'm gonna do Mark with a K.
(LAUGHING) - Is this the place? - This is the place.
(SIGHS) BOTH: I said, "Bitch!" - Oh! - (SIGHS) - You want to go back? - Yeah.
My girl's expecting me.
MAN: (SINGING) I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.
(MAN COUGHS) (MAN COUGHING) This motherfucker.
(BOTH LAUGHING)