King of the Hill Episode Scripts

How to Fire a Rifle Without Really Trying

Howdy, partner.
Kick up your leg, Bobby, arch your back whip your forearm, and snap your wrist.
- Look out! - Hey, man.
Bobby, you better let me throw that last one.
This man here is trying to run a business.
Now, ping-pong balls are tricky.
Don't grip it hard.
It requires finesse.
Bobby, what's in your mouth? Look, Dad, I'm the Commish.
It's okay to line up the sights, Bobby.
It's not cheating.
I got it! Lucky shot, Bobby! That's great.
Now this time you might want to Bobby, way to kill ducks! Then another duck came up, and he killed that one.
- Then I killed another one, too! - Yep, that's right.
He must have killed a thousand ducks.
A thousand ducks? Well, that is wonderful.
Did you kill any bunnies? The boy shows a real talent for shooting, Peggy.
This could be his sport.
We should get him a rifle and Bobby is too young to own a rifle.
It is too dangerous.
He's 12.
He hasn't been too young for five years.
No, it is just not age-appropriate.
It would be like giving Boggle to an 8-year-old even though the box says that's okay.
But I never get to bond with Bobby, on account of he's not good at much.
Shooting stuff is something a father and son can do together.
I don't want to wait till the cat's in the cradle and Bobby's too busy with a propane business of his own.
Hank, you are making me tear up.
- Where's the children's gun section? - Aisle 47.
- Can I keep my gun in my room? - Sure.
Can I keep the bullets in my pocket? - If you want.
- Can I put a gun rack on my bike? Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that? I have a good feeling about this one.
I love this rifle.
You know, Bobby, that Marlin is a lot like the first .
22 my dad gave me.
It's also like the one he started with himself as a boy.
Kind of a Hill tradition.
Wow, I always thought this was a crack house! So then Ray walks in, with the same snow-camouflage bib overalls that he knew I planned to wear that same hunt.
Well, Hank Hill, you've finally decided to join our club.
I'm not joining.
I just want to know if I can use the range, Dale.
There's a $2 charge for non-members to shoot here.
What's membership cost? Lifetime membership is free.
I'll just pay the $2.
Hank's jacket is so Desert Storm.
The safety is underneath by the firing pin.
I hope you're listening, because I'm not repeating this.
Bobby, you've got to take it slow, and Oh, my God! - Boy can shoot.
- Hell, yeah! He's my boy! What you've done here is very good.
I'm a little upset with the grouping.
You fellas entering the tournament at the County Club? Because if you are, maybe I'll save myself the entry fee.
- What tournament? Father-Son Fun-Shoot.
It's sponsored by the Arlen Endowment for the Arts.
Save your money, mister.
We're in.
All right! All this being father and son is finally gonna pay off.
Hey, Bobby, go inside and get a couple of bags of bullets.
I forget the last time I shot a .
22 but I'll bet you there was a Texan in the White House.
And I ain't talking about Herbert Walker Bush, either.
What are you waiting for, boy? Pull the trigger! Make some noise! You're never gonna be a war hero like me if you shoot like that.
No wonder that kid from the playground stole your pail.
He knows you can't shoot.
I want my binky back.
You want your binky back, you gotta come in firing.
Now, try again.
That's a nice gun.
That's a cool gun.
It is so nice to see the two of you really talking.
This gun's very nice.
They're all nice guns, and all guns are nice.
So, how did shooting go yesterday? Great.
I hit the center every time.
That's terrific, honey.
In no time at all you'll be better than your father.
Now, what's that supposed to mean? Let's see him hold down a job and be so good.
Hey, look at these father-and-son ponchos! They zip together! Dad, can we get them for the tournament? Before we start buying a lot of paraphernalia accessories, and whatnot let's make sure we're not getting into another tap-lessons situation here.
Why don't we get you into one of those safety courses? If you're still interested after they've taken the fun out of it then we'll see about the ponchos and the tournament.
"I didn't know it was loaded" is not an acceptable excuse.
"I wasn't there," or "I never met those people" are better excuses.
When I was your age I used to get so excited about hitting the target I'd run right out onto the range.
That's how I lost this thumb, and later, this eye.
If it weren't for the NRA safety guidelines I eventually accepted I'd be a stub standing here before you.
Okay, so I discharge the magazine first? No, first I put the safety You just put six shots dead center.
I know.
So, do I lay the magazine Hey, look at this, everybody! You see, it's just I'm too busy for a competition.
We're coming up on the new propane season.
Plus next week I was gonna check into buying Heck Dorland's motorcycle.
But you said if I was still interested, and I'm still interested.
Hank, you love guns.
Bobby loves guns.
Carpe diem.
Why do we have to practice so early? I want you to get used to the pressure of shooting when no one's watching.
What's wrong with you? Why don't you steady yourself? This is a training exercise.
Close one eye.
How can you hit anything, the way you're holding it? Don't grip the barrel so hard.
It requires finesse.
Someday soon, all of you will be drafted into war.
Some of you, like Hank, will be killed.
Others can shoot, and may become war heroes.
Now, commence to firing.
Something's wrong with my rifle.
I can't shoot today.
Let me see it.
Come on, I bet I can fix it.
You can't fix it.
It's in the shaft.
There's no shaft on a gun.
It's tough shooting out there today.
I mean, keeping a gun steady can take a lot out of a man.
Do you mind? I'm trying to sit here.
Maybe I can help you.
I'm a sports psychologist.
I worked with the Cowboys.
- When? - Last season.
Goodbye.
Research has shown that athletic performance is 10 percent physical and 100 percent mental.
- That adds up to 110 percent.
- Breakthrough! Do you just hang out here all day waiting for someone to miss a lot? Just in the mornings, when the lousy shots arrive.
In the afternoons I go to the bowling alley.
Losers are very predictable.
Here's my card.
You're going to tear it up.
What about practicing for the tournament after school? No, I'd have to come here to get you and then go back across town to the range.
That could eat up 10 minutes.
What about shooting after dinner? No, you don't want to exercise on a full stomach.
Maybe I could take the guns to school and we could squeeze off a few rounds between classes.
You shouldn't take guns to school with you.
They're dangerous.
- Guns are dangerous? - What? Oh, brother.
Bobby, go on and clean the guns.
I'll be in there in a minute.
What's this about guns being dangerous? That's right.
They kill people.
Guns don't kill people.
The government does.
Hank, guns have been around for years.
If they were dangerous I think someone would have said something.
Most deaths in the home are from guns and gun accessories.
A guy breaks into your house but you don't have a gun.
How are you going to shoot him? Dale, that's right out of the NRA magazine, August issue.
I tell you what, that dang ol' NRA is all right, man.
Them insurance you get with dismemberment and all.
You get $20,000 just because your arm blows off, man.
I can't believe you guys.
Dale, the NRA is a Washington, DC-based organization.
Are you telling me you support Washington, DC? That's a thinker.
I'm a little confused, here.
How are you going to win that shooting contest without a rifle? Haven't you been listening to me? I'm not going to shoot in any contest! Sorry, Bobby.
Honey, you've been sleeping in that vest for two weeks.
What's wrong? I think I messed up.
I made Dad not like guns anymore.
Son, that can't be true.
Your father's love for guns is unconditional.
Then why doesn't he want to shoot with me in the tournament? Is he afraid I'm gonna embarrass him? It must be, because he loves guns.
What has got into you? You were right.
Bobby is too young to own a gun.
No, I was wrong.
Guns are keeping this family together.
And Bobby's really good.
He won't let you down at the Fun-Shoot.
That's not why I'm dropping out.
Then what is the reason? - Peggy, I can't shoot.
- What? I can't.
My aim is terrible.
I can barely keep the gun steady.
I still love you.
Yeah, but will the rest of the town be so forgiving? It's a risk you have to take.
Bobby's finally found something he's really great at.
Do not rip that away from him.
It is not fair.
"Life's not fair.
" That's a good lesson for the boy.
What if they had never let you play football? You'd still have that little bone in your ankle but you would not have any of the memories.
Go get your clothes out of the trash.
We'll need them for the contest.
You mean it, Dad? You'll shoot with me? On your team, we have to win! You've never lost anything in your life.
Well, you can't always expect to win.
No, Dad.
I promise, I won't choke.
Sometimes people choke.
We just gotta be proud that God took the time to give us a fault.
That's loser-talk.
You taught me that.
No Hill's ever been a loser.
We fought for Texas at the Alamo.
We're gonna get a trophy! All right, here's the deal.
I don't believe in that gobbledygook about a subconscious or any other witchcraft.
I won't take pills.
I won't let you hypnotize or molest me.
I can help you without using witchcraft, pills, and molestation but it won't be easy.
Visualization is the only legitimate part of what people like myself practice.
Imagine the dart flying from your gun to the target.
Don't pull the trigger until you can see it.
Hey, Shaky, close the other eye, or I'll poke it out! Whenever I start to shoot, even aim I remember me as a boy, my dad behind me yelling I always let him down.
I was so scared of Hank, please, you're wasting valuable session time.
It's important for you to stay relaxed.
Why don't you imagine something gentle, say, a butterfly taking the dart and flying it to the target? I am not imagining a butterfly.
All right.
How about a hummingbird? How about a McDonnell Douglas L-1011 widebody? Good.
Now let's do better.
We add audio to the visualization to achieve complete focus.
As you imagine the plane, say out loud: "To the end of the rainbow!" - I'm not saying - Say whatever you want.
Prepare for top speed.
Welcome, everyone.
Welcome, shooters.
Welcome, last year's winners, John and Mike McKay.
My fingers are crossed for you.
The format for today is the same as last year.
Start with the tandem shoot.
Then the quick draw.
Followed by the pretend-to-be-sleeping grab-the-loaded-gun-under-the-bed-and- shoot-a-figure-in-the-shadows.
Then to our favorite event: The all-new and expanded simulated hunting experience that we like to call The Gauntlet.
And finally just in case some of the dads have been doing all the work the independent, long-range accuracy shooting! Come on, Dad.
Let's go bag us a trophy.
And have fun.
This here's the tandem shoot.
Take your first shot.
Prepare for top speed.
One hit.
That wasn't a practice round.
I just gotta make a little adjustment here.
You ready for your second shot? Hey, Hank! Over here! Something rainbow Going to the rainbow Hey, good going! Over the rainbow.
I guess I'm falling into my groove.
To the end of the yellow brick road.
How about a little fire, scarecrow? Two-point deduction.
Well, look at that.
We're in second place.
Good news.
The McKays just came out of The Gauntlet and the younger one blew away an entire picnicking family.
That means we're tied for first! Sorry I'm late.
I had to stop by the wax museum again and give the finger to FDR.
Grampa, you came! I'm always here to support my Bobby.
I'll give you a shoulder to cry on.
You'll need one, won't he, Hank? As a matter of fact, we're tied for first.
All we have left is the accuracy round.
Accuracy? Better hope that target's the side of a barn.
Come on, Bobby.
Remember, son, we're just here to do our best.
That's 'cause we are the best, Dad.
That's my grandson, and his father.
Dad, if he misses, we win.
No, we don't want to win that way.
Damn! Come on, Hank.
I got money riding on this shot on the McKays.
Okay, Hank, it's time for takeoff.
You know what to do, not just for you, but for Bobby.
So focus, stop talking to yourself, and do it.
You're still talking.
You here to talk, or you here to shoot? I'm here to shoot.
End of discussion.
Let's do it.
Miss.
And the McKays win again! Where's Bobby? We did it, Dad! Second place in a real Father-Son tournament.
Can I put it on my wall? We were so good out there.
We should always be shooting.
This is the best day ever! You're the best dad ever.
I'm the best son ever.
Can we do it again next year? Yeah, we can do it again, if that's what you want.
Hey, kid.
- I feel like ice cream.
- That sounds good.
- Where'd we park? - That way.
We forgot Mom.
Well, let's go get her.
I want my binky back.