Last Comic Standing (2003) s07e10 Episode Script
Episode 10
This season on "last comic Standing" It was a whole new ball game.
Are you ready? We came back.
Three hilarious new judges.
And a burning desire to find Comedy greatness.
We went from coast to coast in Search of fresh faces, seasoned Pros and a few memorable Moments.
You never know.
Now we know.
After thousands of auditions And a series of unforgettable Showcases emerged the most Talented comics in "last comic Standing" history.
They were folks determined and Armed with a passion for Punchlines.
Welcome to fight club.
When the dust settled, 10 Hilarious comics moved on to the Finals for your votes and Comedy's biggest prize.
I don't care what America Thinks.
Next, only five remained.
One of these funnymen is about To see his life change.
The final results are in.
You made your decision, America.
Tonight we'll find out who will Be the "last comic standing.
" It's the night we've all been Waiting for.
It's the star-studded grand Finale of "last comic standing" With hilarious performances by The always outrageous Kathy Griffin, the host of the Marriage ref, Tom papa and Legendary funnyman Fred Willard.
Now, please put your hands Together for the final five.
Mike Destefano, Felipe Esparza, Myq Kaplan, Roy wood, Jr.
, and Tommy Johnagin.
And now, please welcome your Host, the man who has carried The show on his back all season Long, Craig Robinson.
thank you.
Thank you.
And welcome to the season finale Of "last comic standing.
" You, America, you have spoken, And we have the results of your Votes, and tonight we'll find Out which one of these comics Will be the winner of $250,000 And the title of "last comic Standing.
" And to draw it out for as long As possible, we have some very, Very, very special, very funny Guests with us and some Unbelievable surprises in store For you.
Right now I want to give a Shout-out to the three people Who are largely responsible for Bringing us this fab five group Of comics, our judges, Andy Kindler Natasha Leggero And Greg Giraldo.
It's been amazing working with Each of you, okay? Mostly Natasha, then Greg, then Andy's a close second.
Thank you.
All right.
Now they're all here.
Let's get down to business.
It's time for some results.
Tommy's shaking.
It's been a long and funny ride, But, unfortunately, it's about To end for one of you right now.
And I will break the news.
As soon as we come back.
Come on, you know we were going Stay tuned.
Welcome back to the finale of "last comic standing.
" These five comics battled it out All season for a place on this Stage tonight.
But now the battle is over and It's time to find out who you People voted.
It's time for our first Elimination.
Let's make it more dramatic than Ever.
The comedian who came in fifth, Fifth, fifth, and will not be The "last comic standing" is Myq Kaplan.
Come on, give it up, y'all.
Myq Kaplan.
Myq, you're a funny dude, man.
Congratulations to you.
Is there anything you would like To say to your fans? Thanks for being them.
And you should have bought some More phones.
One more hand, y'all, for myq Kaplan.
Oh, man.
That was painful.
Now I'd like to introduce you to A very special guest who has no Idea how that feels.
Please welcome the reigning "last comic standing," Iliza Shlesinger.
all right.
How are you guys doing? Thanks for coming out.
Yeah.
I'm so excited to be here.
This season they asked me to Dress up.
I said okay.
I put on heels.
Guys, next time you see a girl In a pair of heels, ask her how Tall she is, because she will Give you two numbers.
She will give you her height and Her heel height.
How tall are you.
Girls, don't do that.
They're just interested in how Tall you are.
They're not interested in how Tall you can be.
We're not picking for basketball Names.
You can be 5'9" in heels.
Great.
I can go five miles.
Men are hunter, women are Gatherers.
These roles are dictated by Nature, except when it comes to Shopping.
Then women are hunters.
For we are the only creatures That will rationalize a kill After we make it.
A lion runs down a gazelle.
He eats it.
He doesn't call his mom crying, He doesn't call his friend.
Women don't shop with any Authority.
No woman has sliced a credit Card and gone I'm confident with That purchase.
It's like, Becky, was that a Good idea? Your friend will always assure You.
No, those shoes are super cute.
Are you sure? Get the [bleep.]
shoes.
We've been here [bleep.]
hours.
I want to go home to my family.
Never enough.
We need reasons, validation.
I don't know.
Is it a good idea? Your friend will help you.
You want reasons? The shoes are super fun.
Dress them up, dress them down.
Whatever the hell that means.
I don't now you have Something pushily.
Purple.
Big deal.
Guys don't do that.
Guys are like I'll kill the Bear, but I don't know how I'll Feel about it.
Your friend doesn't swoop in, No, no, no, no, no.
You have to spend some time Outdoors.
You can dress it up, dress it Down.
And now you have a bear.
Went bear hunting last week.
Killed a bear.
Son of a bitch had it coming.
You drive home with minimal eye Contact.
The bad thing about wearing Heels is that it puts short Girls right at eye level which Is not what you want, because They're feisty.
You'll notice short girls are Often the first ones to start a Fight.
Like a chihuahua, they don't Know that they're little.
You have a fire in your belly, Too, if you spent a whole Lifetime unable to reach top Shelves.
You'd be pretty fired up if the Whole world of spices were Closed off to you simply because Of your leg length.
Next time you you see a girl Under 5'2", ask her what's Paprika? Cumin, salt, pepper, maybe Someone guesses for her.
A flavorless life.
I know one night I'm going to See a short girl.
She's going to be drunk, picking A fight.
She's going to be some someone's Face.
I don't care about you.
You think you're what? I don't care [bleep.]
what you Think.
Hit me.
Do it.
Do it.
Oh, my God.
Why did you hit me? Because you deserved it, snooky.
I cannot tell you what an Incredible honor it has been to Be the "last comic standing.
" I wish you all good luck and may The best girl win.
Iliza, let's hear it.
Okay.
We're going on a break.
When we come back, my band, the Nasty delicious, will perform.
And then our own Andy kindler Will take the stage.
We're crowning the winner Tonight.
Don't go anywhere.
Welcome back to the season Finale of "last comic standing.
" you know, judging stand-up Comedy is not an exact science.
And it's totally exhausting.
Am I right, guys? Oh, oh.
Tired.
That's right, Andy.
We work with an incredibly Strong host who helps us Shoulder the heavy, heavy burden Of this show.
That's right, Greg.
His close friends call him C-rock, his family calls him Arsenio hall, but to us, he will Always be Craig Robinson.
Take a look.
"last comic standing," I bet You're wondering how the hell Did that happen.
Are you ready? Yeah.
No matter what happens here Today, NBC will make Jay Leno The "last comic standing.
" You going to wear the same Thing? Why not? Should I change? You're fine.
Please give it up for the first Comic of the night, Eddie Murphy.
It's Christmas come early, Folks.
Tonight we're giving you the Gift of laughter.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing," the only show to Unite Jews and crips with Christians and bloods.
You want to know which comic is Performing next? Oh, my God, me, too.
It's official.
During the break, the other Networks were sold to the Chinese.
We're now the only American Television show on the air! I've been your host, the Reverend Craig Robinson.
See you next week.
Come on, party people, make Some noise for Craig Robinson And the nasty delicious.
thank you so much.
I want to take a moment.
You know, I understand what These comics are going through.
I mean, we've all had to fight For something we wanted, right? It's all about survival.
I want to dedicate the next song To the "last comic standing.
" once I was afraid I was petrified You know what? You know what? This is too special.
And I is there anybody out Here who can sing this song the Right way? at first I was afraid I was petrified Gloria Gaynor, ladies and Gentlemen! kept thinking I could never Live without you by my side but then I spent so many Nights so many nights thinking how you did me Wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get Along so now you're back from outer space I just walked in to find you Here with that sad look upon Your face I should have changed that Lock I should have made you leave Your key if I had known for just a Second you'd be back to bother Me go on now go walk out the Door just turn around now cause you're not welcome Anymore weren't you the one who tried To hurt me with good-bye you think I'd crumble as long as I know how to love I know I will be alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give I will survive I will survive hey, hey Here's something you might not.
Know.
It took all the strength I had Not to fall apart kept trying hard to mend the Pieces of my broken heart and I spent so many nights Just feeling sorry for myself I used to cry now I hold my head up high and you see he made me Something new I'm not that chained up little Person still in love with you and so you felt like dropping In and just expect me to be Free and I'm saving all my loving For someone who's loving me now go walk out the door just turn around now you're not welcome anymore weren't you the one who tried To hurt me with good-bye you think I'd crumble you think I'd lay down and Die oh, no, not I I will survive as long as I know how to love I know I will stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give I will survive I will survive I will survive Gloria Gaynor! Gloria Gaynor! Hey, when we return, we have a Special performance by "last Comic standing" judge Andy Kindler and Kathy Griffin will Perform.
Then we'll find out who will be Crowned "last comic standing.
" Don't touch that dial.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Welcome back to the "last Comic standing" season finale.
Tonight we'll find out who you Chose to be the winner of $250,000 and the title.
But first, we're going to get Back to what this show is all About.
Neurotic Jews.
Please welcome Andy kindler.
all right.
Yes, thank you.
I want you all to know that I Will be judging myself Internally during my Performance.
Before I was a judge on "last Comic standing," I was against Contests, but this show has Turned me around.
Now I think all of our Professions should be judged on The basis of a contest.
How about "last scientist Standing.
" Wouldn't that be great? Tonight, one scientist will move Forward.
One scientist will be Eliminated.
That's a great theory, Einstein, But you've been voted out of the Laboratory.
Tonight, America, you will Decide if string theory is valid Or perhaps the multiverse theory Is more valid.
The great artist Monet before he Would start a painting, he would Yell out to no one in Particular, do you people like Impressionism? Half the crowd was stunned by That joke.
I may not be the "last comic Standing," but I'm the first Comic on stage to admit when a Joke doesn't go over.
I like to comment a lot about my Act during my act.
Before I was a comedian, I was In the deconstruction business.
I never built anything.
I just commented while other People built.
Drywall looks more like wet Wall.
Don't encourage me.
I I was watching a Documentary on the history of On the history channel.
I like to fumfer.
It's my style.
A documentary about Hitler and His drug problems called "high Hitler.
" It's cutesie.
Is that what it comes to? We need a gimmick to get people To watch Hitler? Are you telling me that Hitler's Numbers are down? That's my new thing.
Whenever I travel, kind of Point.
Whenever I travel, I check into A hotel, I turn on the TV, they Advertise, on demand.
You don't have to wait 10 Minutes to watch your favorite Hollywood movie.
Then you see the choices.
"duplicity.
" "it's complicated.
" Again Nicolas cage tries an Action movie four.
This does not fulfill the Promise of demand.
You will not hear me yell from My hotel room, "I demand to see Old dogs now.
" Yes, I'll take it.
Front desk.
Hold my calls.
I'm watching "the proposal.
" This actually happened a couple Of months ago.
My manager e-mailed me that he Just had an inquiry from vh1 Celebrity fit club.
That's not nice, right? So I e-mail him back.
I say are they implying that I'm Out of shape? And he shoots back, why don't You look at the bright side.
They're implying you're a Celebrity.
I enjoy applause.
I do enjoy it.
I'll take it.
I will take it.
There's so many reality shows on TV, I don't even know what they Mean.
There's a wife called "wife Swap.
" If it was about swapping, I'd Give it a shot.
But, no.
On "wife swap," what happens is That two families agree to Switch wives.
I just sold my own show.
It's called "family medication Swap.
" Two seriously ill families agree To switch medications.
How will a diabetic react to Cholesterol-lowering drugs? How will someone with severe Hypertension react to Antidepressants? I'm having a stroke.
You know what? I'm okay with that.
It's cool.
Thank you, everybody.
You've been wonderful.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Andy kindler.
Way to go.
That was a performance for the History books.
And speaking of history, tonight We are proud to present our new Series, the history of "last Comic standing.
" It's a heart-warming look at This show in all its glory past And present.
See for yourself.
Stand-up comedy is an Occupation for the fearless.
One not only bares his soul but Watches as others laugh at it.
Throughout history, only a few Could perform this art form and Perform it well.
After "last comic standing," Everyone calls themself a Comedian.
This resulted in a quality Outcry for quality control.
Ordinary citizens wanted to Exercise their right to vote in The name of good comedy.
Hence, the birth of "last comic Standing.
" the original title of the Show, we had so many titles that I can't even remember them.
We must have had a dozen titles, Silly titles, bad titles, and Then, of course, "last comic Standing" was the best.
After 48 smash years, "last Comic standing" has changed the Very fabric of society.
No longer a secret wrapped up in An enigma, stand-up comedy is The most respected art form in The world next to sculpture and It's the domain of a select few Who have been chosen by the People, for the people.
Okay.
When we come back, we'll say Good-bye to another comic and Move another step closer to Finding out who will be the "last comic standing.
" Stay right there.
We are back.
Tonight, it's our season finale.
There's electricity in the air That's messing up my weave.
Anyway, it's time now to bid Adieu to another one of our Comics.
That means it's time for drama Lights.
Fellas, it has been a pleasure Working with each one of you.
I know our paths will cross Again some day soon.
The comic who finished fourth This season is Mike Destefano.
Sorry, Mike, but we had some Good times together, man.
We did.
Is there anything you would Like to say to your fans? To my fans, thank you very Much.
For those who didn't vote for Me, fuck you.
Mike Destefano, everybody.
He'll be on the last comic tour Coming to a city near you.
Way to go, Mike.
Okay.
Let's keep this emotional roller Coaster going.
We are very lucky to have with Us tonight a man who knows a Thing or two about emotion.
That's because he's the marriage Ref.
Please help me welcome my Friend, the hilarious Tom papa.
hello.
Hooray.
Ah, it's good to see you guys.
There's so much pressure in the Building.
People being kicked off.
If you're married, no pressure At all.
If you're dating right now and You're sitting out here, the Work you're doing, what these Guys are going through is not Even close to what you're Dealing with.
If you're married, freedom.
It's in the rules.
It's just the finish line.
If you're married, you don't Have to be polite tonight on Your date.
You can eat whatever the hell You want.
It's in the rules.
You can get as fat as you want.
I love you.
You love me.
We can't have sex with other People.
Let's eat a chocolate cake.
You want ice cream on that? You bet your fat ass, I do.
It's freedom.
There's no being polite.
If you're a girl and you're out With a guy at night and you go Home and you're chilly, you have To be so careful how you say I'm A little chilly.
Are you a little chilly? I'm a little do you think Maybe you could turn the air Down? I want you to be hot but If my wife is cold, she yells at Me.
Shut the damn window.
I yell back at her.
I'm doing it.
We're not fighting.
We're communicating in a timely Fashion.
There's no time to be polite.
Where are the kids? I don't know.
Are we having sex tonight? If I'm still awake.
I love you.
Freedom.
It's freedom.
I'm telling you.
You don't get offended.
You know why? These fights last forever.
One time in the middle of a Fight, my wife called me a Bloated jellyfish.
All I could say was good one, Good one.
Because I know I have the rest Of my life to get her back.
They never we had a fight Three years ago about the right Way to load a dishwasher.
I remember having the the fight.
I remember thinking I won that Fight.
Two weeks ago we were out with Another couple.
Somebody mentioned dish.
My wife attacked from nowhere.
I thought it was over.
She was waiting like a crocodile In the water for three years 'til I walked by.
Dish.
Aaah.
The whole story is written by The women.
You have the advantage in Marriage.
This whole story is written by You.
The whole thing is up to you.
Because you've been planning it Since the time you were little.
I have daughters, they're Planning their weddings now.
They're this big.
When you were a boy, did you Ever hang out with your little Boyfriends? Let's played married.
Let's pretend I came home from The store and brought all the Wrong stuff and you yell at me.
But it's good.
Now I've got kids.
Now it's actually becoming Enjoyable.
This whole marriage thing, now I Have a family.
And when they're little and Babies, not enjoyable.
Awful.
Now they can talk.
Now this is getsi getting fu.
Ever go with a party with Grown-ups you know and they're Regurgitating things they've Been saying for years? How's work, don? Still a million bucks shy of Being a millionaire.
My golf game Shoot me in the face.
My daughter walked in the other Day.
First thing out of her mouth, Mom's breath smells like a taco.
Great.
Let's talk about that.
Why does it smell like a taco? I don't know.
It normally smells like plastic, But today it smells like a taco.
I think there was a unicorn in My room last night.
I saw some sparkles.
Do you smell a rainbow? I think I smell a rainbow Coming.
You're awesome.
I don't even have to get high With you.
This is great.
Who smells rainbows? And you know what? As much as you complain about Being married or any of that Stuff, guys, stop complaining.
You win.
You win.
You get to be with women at the End of this mess.
Women, you have to be with us.
You lose.
You do.
Women are so clean and soft And women can get clean with Body wash.
Body wash and a loofah.
Ding! You can't clean a man with body Wash, a horrible man.
We need a big brick of soap Hopefully with pieces of rock in It.
All covered and hair.
Not even hair like a bear.
We're like a sick bear from Chernobyl, all splotchy, bald Spots, twizzlers poking out of Our nipples for no reason.
I don't know how you women let Us climb on you.
I'd be a lesbian for sure.
I have a friend who only has Hair from the waist down.
He's like half goat, half man.
Walking on the beach.
Why is everyone looking at me? I don't know, pan, they're Probably following your hoof Marks down to the ocean's edge.
We're dumb.
Men are dumb.
I'm dumb.
I got loss with my GPS system.
I realize why.
This is sexist and wrong.
It's a female voice on the Navigation system.
I don't trust her.
I like her.
I'm turned on by her.
She has an English accent.
She says something like in a Quarter mile, exit the motorway.
You're adorable, but I'm going Straight.
Thank you all very much.
give it up for Tom papa and Don't forget to watch "the Marriage ref" on NBC.
You might see a familiar face.
It's time to get our documentary On.
Let's take a look at another Moment in "last comic standing" History.
In the words of former Secretary of state Condoleezza Rice, laughter is universal.
Condi's theory may explain the Stunning success of "last comic Standing" in over 40 major Countries around the globe.
I never thought the show Would take off internationally.
I thought Uganda, Sudan and Egypt maybe, but never Mozambique.
All the world agrees, there Is one thing that makes us all The same.
That's our basic human need for Competitive comedy-based reality Programming and the one show That fills that need is "last Comic standing.
" when we return, we'll enjoy The comedy stylings of our very Own judge, Natasha Leggero.
And later, Kathy Griffin will Hit the stage.
And then we'll find out who will Be the "last comic standing.
" Stay with us.
Welcome back.
America, tonight you'll finally Find out which of our finalists You've chosen to be the "last Comic standing.
" Come closer.
I'd like to take a moment right Now to talk to you about a Special, special lady.
She had to sit through all those Crazy auditions, and I love her.
I love her.
Well.
Please welcome the very stylish Natasha Leggero.
hi.
Hello.
I know it's hard to listen to Comedy right now with all these Environmental disasters going On.
So sad.
Can you believe we're running Out of diamonds? How are we going to make more Diamonds? The only way I know how to make A diamond is to do it with an Old man.
Oh, there's one.
Hi.
Way more messy than scrubbing Some oil off some seagulls.
These environmentalists get so Upset when oil gets on the Birds.
I mean, how do they think fried Chicken is made? Can you imagine being as rich as These oil executives that you Can just write a check for Ruining the ocean? So sorry about that.
How much? $12 billion.
All right.
What should I put on the memo Line? I'll just put oopsy.
You guys have babies? I know.
Gross.
Oh, sorry.
My friends who have babies can't Do anything.
You can't go out at night.
Having a baby is like a DUI from The universe.
My brother's a rapper.
Thank you.
My other brother lives in a van That he put an address on.
When did rap turn into Professional bragging.
Why aren't there any Self-effacing rappers.
Had to go to goodwill to get This jacket.
That's because I'm in a Low-income tax bracket.
That I would listen to.
If someone came up and said I've Got $15 million in diamonds, Obama won't stop texting me, Everyone wants to have sex with Me and you're a bitch.
What a douche.
If he yells that over an '80s Song, you're like, yeah, this Guy's awesome.
Guys will brag about anything.
I was just in Vegas, and I Overheard this guy.
He's like, yo, had sex with a Prostitute last night, bro.
Okay, bragging that you had sex With a prostitute is like Bragging that you got some Doritos from a vending machine.
Okay.
There's no skill involved.
You can't even go dancing Anymore in Vegas.
They don't even play full songs.
They just take the most popular If you like it, ring my bell.
Ring my.
If a d.
J.
Made it to the bridge Of a song, you know he's o.
D.
'd.
I don't know how you dance to That, but what is wrong with Fergie? Every video she's rubbing her Butt on a car.
I'm so [bleep.]
the car.
You guys get that? How many How many suvs has she given an Std to? It's been really great being a Judge on "last comic standing.
" Very exciting.
Although I have to admit, I have No idea what's happening.
These rules on these reality Shows are so confusing.
Tonight, the bottom two decide Which six will join the final Five.
Okay.
People have been comparing me to Paula Abdul.
Okay.
Paula Abdul has been wasted Since '98.
They cut to her.
She's spinning around Hallucinating.
She has no idea what's Happening.
I mean, I know she's on pills, But remember Judy garland? She would drink 29 scotches and Then take the pills to sparkle.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Natasha Leggero.
All right.
When we come back, we'll present An important award to a fan Favorite.
It's our first-ever best joke of The year award.
We'll be back to tear it up, and Later Kathy Griffin will step Into the stop light.
Welcome back to the season Finale of "last comic standing.
" We're crowning a winner tonight, So stay buckled into your seats.
Right now, it's time for another Moment in "last comic standing" History.
Take a look.
He is strong, compassionate, Suave, magnetic.
He brings us in.
When there's pain, he's a Shoulder to cry on.
When there's laughter, he waits For it to die down so he can Throw to commercial.
He is an unsung hero on "last Comic standing.
" He is the host.
And now, 67 seasons later, the Show is lucky to have with it a Host who is not only a Television star, but a great Film actor.
An accomplished musician, a Master of improvisation and Pantomime and a lover of the Theater, Mr.
Craig Robinson.
I got the job hosting "last Comic standing" there's Rumors about a bear or Something.
I don't want to talk about it.
It's really a great story.
No one will believe it, but what Walking to my car in Burbank And two bears attacked me and Tried to steal my car and attack Me.
Craig happened to be walking by.
Leave him alone.
Get out of Burbank.
Go.
I told him if I could ever do Anything for him, anything at All, that he shouldn't hesitate To ask.
And then he'd like to be the Host of "last comic standing.
" It's the least I can do.
The guy saved my wife from the Bears.
That's how he became the host.
As it often does in the Television business, fate Stepped in and brought these two Mega talents together.
And the rest is reality Television history.
please give it up for Johnny Ross and tiny Watson.
hey, girl.
See you sitting over there with Your friends.
Well, I've just got one question For you.
Are you into older guys? I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it hey girl over there with the Funny looking hair come here so I can take you There I'm standing up that's the truth when you role play baby it ain't no stretch I could be bill Clinton if You've got a blue dress I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it if you momma and your daddy Don't like them boys, they'll Jump for joy I make some good money I've got a GED got 10 kids I'm sick of watching porn when you wake up in the Morning you won't forget I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it I don't want to talk about it I want to be about it I want to be about it I want to be about it I want to Come on! I don't want to talk about It I don't want to I don't want to yeah yeah yeah yeah we've shared a lot of great Moments on "last comic standing" This season.
Here are two of my favorites.
And now, the top best jokes Excluding those told by Number five.
I'm from Jersey.
Thanks for the love.
People you see don't respect Jersey, right? Jersey, we're one of the most Hated on places in the world.
We're up there with Iraq.
It's like Iraq, Afghanistan, new Jersey is right there, man.
I bet if people had to vote to Bomb new Jersey, they'd be like, Yeah, we should bomb new Jersey.
Number four.
Television for women.
Every time you turn it on we're Getting beaten, raped and Stabbed.
Whose lifetime is this? Number three.
Went to the zoo.
I saw a camel.
Had a really tiny hump.
Hope she has a nice personality.
Number two.
I'm kind of a late bloomer.
I didn't come out 'til a few Years ago and I remember in College, my mom used to be I Don't understand when you get Upset when your friend Michele Goes on dates with guys.
Because she's my best friend.
And the best joke was you guys remember where you Were when Michael Jackson died? That was a huge death.
I was at my father's funeral and This guy burst in and he said, Everyone, I'm sorry to interrupt This funeral, but I'm afraid I Have some terrible news.
And we were devastated.
My mother collapsed.
My 12-year-old brother started Crying and grabbing his crotch To try to bring Michael back Somehow.
It almost ruined that funeral, But then our pastor put on "thriller" and we all started Singing and dancing and I picked Up my dad and moved him like a Zombie.
we know we know it doesn't Take three people to present a Fake award.
But we were promised equal Screen time and that's what We're going to get.
Here to accept the award for Best top joke is curt metzger.
congratulations.
Congratulations.
Oh, my God.
Thank you, "last comic Standing.
" Just read the thing.
Stick around.
Greg Giraldo will perform after These commercial messages.
Welcome back to our season Finale.
Tonight, one lucky and talented Comic will win $250,000 and the Best title on television.
In a moment, we will have to say Good-bye to yet another comic, So please get your box of Tissues ready.
But before the pain comes the Pleasure.
Ladies and gentlemen, bow down To Greg Giraldo.
hello.
Wow! Man, this has been a terrible, Terrible, brutal summer.
We had that obviously, that Bad disaster, you know, the Disaster in the Gulf and then we Had to see those oily animals on TV.
The world cup? Did you watch that? Weren't those some oily creeps? There was a terrorist attack in New York City this summer in Times Square.
A botched terrorist attack.
The terrorist was stupid.
It was a dumb terrorist.
It works out better when they're Dumb.
He left his keys in his car Bomb.
He locked his keys in his car Bomb.
That would be a great commercial For on-star.
Hello? This is embarrassing.
There was so much coverage about The thing, I had to explain Terrorism to my son.
I'm watching TV with my son.
But, dad, how come the bad men Hate us? How come the bad men hate us? Isn't that heartbreaking? I almost got a little tear in my Eye.
Because he's 18.
What kind of a moron am I Raising? I don't know why they hate us, Dip [bleep.]
.
Why don't you read the paper and Form your own opinions.
I live in New York City.
Some people say that's the Greatest city on earth.
People say things like that all The time.
It's the greatest city on earth.
How can you say any city is the Greatest city unless you've been To every city? Maybe there's a city in Indonesia where there's 28 People, 26 are hot chicks that Will [bleep.]
you for a nickel.
Yeah, and the other two are Dudes that give you nickels.
That's a great city.
You want to check that out.
This homeless guy asked me for Money about 20 years ago.
This homeless guy asked me for Money.
I was about to give it to him.
Then I thought he's just going To use it on drugs or alcohol.
Then I thought that's what I'm Going to use it on.
Who the hell am I to judge this Poor slob, you know? People love to judge homeless Guys.
If you give him the money, he's Going to waste the money.
He's going to waste the money.
He lives in a box.
What do you want him to do, save It up and buy a wall unit? He's homeless.
A guy screams at a homeless guy.
Why don't you get a job, you Bum.
People always say that to Homeless guys.
Get a job like it's always that Easy.
This homeless guy was wearing His underwear outside his pants.
I'm guessing his résumé ain't All up to date.
I'm predicting some problems During the interview process.
I'm pretty sure even the video Store has an underwear go inside The pants policy.
Not that they enforce it very Strictly, but if you want to Beat out the wall-eyed Your pants on right.
I saw these homeless guys.
They were singing acappella Together for money.
They were happy.
You whine about your problems.
These guys were singing a Cappella shaking a cup.
How did they meet? How do you bump into other a Cappella enthusiasts when you're Out there on the homeless trail? Sitting around the shelter one Day.
I need some crack.
Me too.
Me three.
We are sitting on a gold mine.
I watched a show the other day On food addiction.
It was a special on food Addiction.
They had all these people on There complaining about their Food addiction.
One woman was super passionate.
I'm a food addict.
It's an addiction, a disease, Just like alcoholism or drug Addiction.
Yeah, just like alcoholism or Drug addiction.
How come then when a wife kicks You out of the house for being a Drunk or a drug addict, she's, You know, a big hero.
But if you if you kick her Out for fattening up a little Bit, you know, that's not quite As cool, right? Maybe you're just trying to help Her hit rock bottom.
Is that powdered sugar on your Shirt? Have you been eating? Oh, my God.
You are stuffed in front of the Kids.
A lot of people seem to love Sports way too much.
Sports are entertaining, but It's become like the new They've become the new opiate of The masses.
It keeps people from looking at Their own lives and realize how Bad they've got it.
I mean, if you couldn't get Drunk and paint yourself orange And brown every Sunday, you Might realize [bleep.]
I live in Cleveland.
How the hell did this happen? You know, did I used to did I Used to eat babies in a former Life? And then you look around your Tiny little house you can't Afford because of the mortgage Crisis and your horrible little Sloppy kids who will have Diabetes by the time they're 8 Because they live on corn syrup And lies and you look at your Big bloated mess of a wife as She waddled toward you with her Front butt.
I'm going to shoot myself and my Daughter with a mullet, but you Don't because there's a game Coming on with nachos and blah, Blah.
Thank you very much, everyone.
Greg Giraldo, everybody.
All right.
This is a big night, folks.
One comic will have his life Change forever.
And even longer.
And right now it's time to find Out who else that won't be.
It's time for our next Elimination.
One more lights down.
Thank you.
The comic who finished third This season is Roy wood, Jr.
Come on, give it up.
I just lost $400.
Roy.
You made it to the top three.
You should be proud, man.
Is there anything you'd like to Say to your fans? I just want to say thank you To America, my mom, the city of Birmingham, Alabama, Florida a & M university.
My journey is for every road Comic that started in the the South and the Midwest that's Doing this the hard way, thank You so much.
I'll see y'all at a bar Somewhere.
One more time for Roy wood, Jr.
Here they are, the top two Comics of the season.
When we come back, miss Kathy Griffin will perform and then These guys will take the stage One last time before we crown The winner.
Welcome back to lts.
If you don't know what lts Stands for, it's too late.
This is our star-studded finale.
In the case of our next star, We're talking d-list, baby.
Take a look.
I know that people think Kate Is a nightmare.
I get it.
People don't like her.
They don't like her angry Lesbian haircut.
They don't like it.
What's the nicest thing anyone's Ever done for me? Way nicer than anything you ever Did.
Babies are gorgeous.
How do you judge no, some babies are ugly.
What's the story behind this? That will last you.
You're kidding.
You're making that up.
You bought this at Wal-Mart.
Holding Levi close, I realize This is where I'm meant to be For three days and then get me The [bleep.]
out of here.
Here's the incomparable Kathy Griffin.
hello.
Hello, hello, "last comic Standing.
" Hello.
Thank you.
Look at this.
All right.
I hope you're ready, because They all go down tonight.
Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Jersey shore, real housewives.
They all go down.
All right.
So I'm bringing you the breaking News about my girl Lindsay.
Yeah, this is something we've Got to talk out.
First of all, I never met a Lohan I didn't like.
And you know she served 13 days In prison.
Because in California, you can Just basically kill somebody and Still just get 13 days.
So now she's at UCLA today as we Speak for rehab for some sort of Substance abuse allegedly which I don't believe for one second.
Although, how great was it when She showed up in court with the Three costume changes like my Idol, Naomi Campbell.
But Lindsay's court moment Wasn't really about that, was It? No.
It was about when she was Pleading to the judge, softly Sobbing, saying she didn't mean To respect the court and brought The fingers up to the face and Then you know you all saw it.
The manicure with the f-u on the Finger.
That's my girl.
That's my girl.
Come on.
You know that was her gay Stylist or her gay hair person That was like, girl, you know What would be funny? How funny would it be if you Took a sharpie and put f-u on Your finger.
Nobody's going to notice.
Now she's at UCLA and I don't Know, but I can only hope that They're putting her on one of These 5150s.
Have you heard of this? I haven't heard of this since I Moved to California.
They put Britney on one.
Apparently, when you're in Rehab, they put you on a 5150 Cycle where they're afraid You're going to do something so Crazy that they watch you and Maybe you're in a padded cell And they feed you.
Okay.
How many moms out here, how many Moms or just plain old working Stiffs think that sounds like an F'ing vacation? Sign me up.
That sounds like heaven.
Somebody else not having the Best week, but please don't act Like you haven't been listening To the Mel Gibson rant.
Come on.
Give it up for the Mel Gibson Rant.
First of all, let me just say as A woman, I'm offended.
I'm offended.
He's horrifying.
He's scary.
But to be honest, as a comedian, When did Mel Gibson turn into Darth Vader, okay? Have you heard this? You didn't tell me you had Foreign blood.
Okay.
I know Luke Skywalker is your Secret son, but is he on a Treadmill when he's yelling at Her? What is happening on those Tapes? He didn't know that maybe she Had a little breast Augmentation, really? Okay.
We've all seen photos of this Woman, Oksana.
I don't know her, but I've seen The the photos.
And just based on that, let me Just say I've been very open About what I call my dental Work.
You know, I'm not going to lie To you about that.
I've got staples in my head Right now.
But I will say the one thing That's real is the boobs.
The boobs are mushy, look at Them.
Mushy and real.
That's right.
And tonight, tonight when I go To bed with one of you, tonight When I go to bed, yes, and I lie Down, my boobs are going to be Underneath my armpits where they Belong.
The way the good lord intended.
I might roll over on a nipple.
I don't know.
It's early.
But I don't think Oksana, based On the photos, tried to hide the Breast augmentation from Anybody.
Because they're up to here.
She's got them up to the chin.
You could put a beer can Collection on there.
I don't know.
But I can listen to those tapes All day.
All right.
Now, let's talk about because I know you admit it, that you're Watching every single minute of "Jersey shore.
" Let's talk about it.
I'd love to stand here and say I Watch nothing but "frontline.
" I watch "jersey shore" every Minute and I should let you know I just saw the whole cast two Weeks ago.
I was next to the situation.
Yes, the situation.
Not his baptismal name, but I Was next to him.
You know the gtl, the gym tan Laundry, I want to add a letter S for shower.
They're fun to watch, but they Stink.
They reek and they smell bad.
I'm afraid when I'm doing the Situation, I might stick to him.
Out of concern for my own Safety, not if, but when I have Sex with Matthew McConaughey, You know, he's very earthy and Malibu surfy, but he just kind Of looks sticky, and I feel I Could be making love to him and We have to be lasered apart.
I don't know.
So please tell me you're Watching "the real housewives of New Jersey.
" First of all, we have the new One from D.
C.
, the so-called White house Gate crasher.
Now, here's the deal.
I love the shows, but these Girls are not the smartest girls In the room or the state or Anything.
And here's why.
They have the chick on "the View" from D.
C.
And she kept Saying I was the first one Casted on the show.
I was casted.
Okay, you moron, the past tense Of cast is cast.
It's just cast.
It's like when Teresa from Jersey said I like to buy a new House because of the Cleansingness.
I like cleansingness.
Really.
That's okay with you? Maybe after she got casted and Moved in the house with Cleansingness, she was so Disorientated, she had to take An ambulance to the liberry.
Kathy Griffin! Kathy Griffin, ladies and Gentlemen.
We're going to take a break.
Our top two will perform, and Then one of them will be named The grand master Champion of "last comic standing.
" welcome back to the "last Comic standing" finale.
We are down to two finalists, Ladies and gentlemen.
That's it.
Right now let's reacquaint Ourselves with our first Finalist, Felipe Esparza.
to come from where I come From and to go this far, to win "last comic standing" would be The biggest thing in my life.
You are one of the funniest Homeless guys.
I'm going to give some of That money to father Greg Boyle From home boy industries.
It's a place that helps out People who are involved in Gangs.
He helped me out a lot.
I won't think twice writing that Check.
I am ready to be the "last comic Standing.
" I will be the "last comic Standing.
" please make some noise for Felipe Esparza.
so how are you guys doing Tonight? Good? All right.
I met this girl last night.
She said I'll stay at your house But we'll have no sex.
Tomorrow morning, we'll have Breakfast.
You can't eat no food.
She said I like a guy that does It to me rough.
I said, good, my car broke down.
We're walking.
I was having sex with some girl One time.
During sex she screamed out the Wrong name.
But it's kind of like this show.
Many were called, but few were Chosen.
Don't you hate that, guys, when You finally meet the crazy girl Of the neighborhood? She's been with everyone.
Now it's your turn.
And now she's not like that no More.
I'm not like that no more.
You're special.
No, I'm last.
So now I go out with gay guys.
It's okay.
Those guys know how to treat a Man.
This guy took me dancing, the Movies.
At the end of the night, he Wants to get crazy with me.
I said, hey, I'm not like that No more.
You're special.
I am broke, man.
You know you're broke when you Pass by an aluminum can and say, Damn, I should have picked that Up.
I can't even afford cologne.
I rip it off the magazine and Rub it on my t-shirt.
People say you smell good.
What's that? Page 5.
So, Jonathan, everybody has a Best friend, somebody you hang Out with.
And the only reason he's your Best friend is because his life Is worse more than yours.
Me and my best friend, we're at Spring break in Mexico.
We didn't go to college, but we Love spring break.
We made out we ended up Making out with the same girl, But I was first.
It ended up not being a girl, Though.
My friend was next.
I didn't tell him.
I just said handle it, dog.
That's you, bro.
On the way home, he's crying.
How come you didn't say Anything? Because, bro, now I know you can Keep a secret.
Thank you very much.
Felipe Esparza! All right.
Let's hear the judges' final Thoughts.
Andy.
Felipe, my judging now Doesn't mean anything, but why Stop, you know what I mean? Why not continue to judge? That was so great.
That story about you in Mexico Was both funny and disturbing.
And I certainly hope there's an Investigation, is what I hope.
Felipe, you are amazing.
The only thing I can say, I just Love what you've done over this Competition, and I just feel Grateful I was able to see it.
Just amazing.
So amazing.
Natasha.
Felipe, first of all, people Love screaming your name for Some reason.
It's fun to say.
I feel like I could not be funny If you tried.
Does that make sense? It made sense.
Okay.
I would say do quit your day Job.
Great job.
Felipe, you're awesome, like When you and I were down in Mexico.
I told you then.
Doesn't matter that it's a dude, Right? We put it behind us.
We should both do comedy.
I'm glad we both did.
People love you.
You're an unbelievable Performer.
You have this thing where nobody Can do what you do.
You just you say things in a Way that's very specific to you.
Your style is totally specific To you.
You're a total original from Your look to the delivery to Everything.
I think you're just great and Congratulations on everything You do.
if you want to vote for Felipe, call I mean, one more Time for Felipe Esparza.
And now it's time to see and Hear Tommy Johnagin.
Check him out.
Tommy Johnagin.
Comedy starts now.
"last comic standing" has been This big life-changing event for Me.
Winning $250,000 is a huge deal, And I plan on wasting a giant Amount of it.
Probably thirips, booze and Broads.
In stand-up comedy, I would like To be considered one of the Great, good stand-up comedians By peers.
I want people to think I'm doing Comedy a good service.
Show your love for Tommy Johnagin.
thank you.
All right.
Man, this show's way funner than The rest of them.
First of all, I'd like to really Give it up for the other 10 Finalists that have been here.
It's been so great.
I'm glad to meet them.
And I don't mind pandering.
I'll tell you a story.
Once I met a girl one night.
She had a bunch of piercings, Tattoos.
Very interesting.
Excited to meet her.
Whatever.
Then we go to leave.
I'm going to go home.
She goes I'll drive you.
I said I live a long way away.
I'll take a cab.
She says I insist.
She gets in the car and says you Do live far.
I'll take you home in the Morning.
These next 24 hours are crucial.
She starts talking about her Tattoos.
She has one on her back, a date When somebody died.
She had a tattoo of the zipper Down her rib canalling.
Rib cage.
She said zipper was mine and my Boyfriend's safety word in bed.
I don't live that far if you Think about it.
It's like a mile.
I keep on thinking I've got to Not have sex with this girl.
I don't have a safety word.
I have buckle up.
She says that's hot.
We get to her house.
I'm like there's no way we Should have sex.
She wanted to have sex.
I was a guest in her house.
I'm not a rude person.
We start romping around.
In the first minute, she bit me On my shoulder.
Like bit zipper, zipper.
I start blowing in her nose Because that works with dogs.
Then she goes oh, oh, are you Not into that? Well, if you'd asked me 20 Minutes ago, I wouldn't have Even had an answer.
Now, no, no, I'm not.
They're going to have to put Skin from my butt and put it on My shoulder.
You have bit through me, ma'am.
Then she started scratching me.
Scratching the hell out of me to The point it was like she Thought there was a better me Under the current me in which She I want to get to the Black one or whatever.
And then it got weird.
Because she choked me and to The point where she almost Choked me out.
Even if we had a safety word, I Wouldn't have been able to say It.
I'm trying to reach for my pants And point to the zipper.
If I'd been wearing button fly, I may not be here tonight.
I fight her off and she goes, Oh, did you want to choke me? Yeah, that's what it was.
Was being chivalrous.
Up Then she texted me for weeks After that and I never Responded.
One time she goes what did I do Wrong? Assault and battery, ma'am.
Assault and battery.
That's it for me.
Thank you guys very much.
It's been a wild ride.
Tommy johnagin.
All right.
Let's hear the judges' final, Final thoughts.
Natasha.
Finally, took that purple Shirt off.
You look great.
You kept wearing a purple shirt.
Okay.
You're a killer joke writer.
I love that story.
I think one day you're going to Meet a girl who's not going to Be insane, because we've heard a Lot of crazy stories.
I think you should name your Comedy album "black on the Inside.
" That would be good.
Great.
Greg? Not a fan.
Tommy, I love you.
I've told you this before.
I think you're a great, great Comic.
You're a storyteller.
A lot of storytellers you Kill me every week.
Best of luck.
I'm sure you're going to have a Great career.
Andy kindler.
You've got stronger unlike My act, you got stronger every Week.
When you write such great jokes, Sometimes it's hard to see the Personality, but every week, Stronger and stronger.
People really got a sense of who You were.
I think it was great to watch.
Fantastic.
Another round of applause for Tommy johnagin.
We're going to take one more Break and when we return, you Get to witness the fulfillment Of a dream and the birth of a Star.
We're going to meet the new "last comic standing.
" for the last time this Season, I get to say these Words.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing.
" You know, the two most popular Questions people ask me are, Have I ever hooked up with Kate Flannery and what is the voting Process like on "last comic Standing"? I will never answer the first Question.
Tonight, the truth is revealed About how the votes are Tabulated.
Let's see.
I have 6, 000, 0043 for crystal Bower sox.
Here's one for crystal bowersox.
They're counting the votes.
That's so weird.
Anyway, without further stalling Or milking, it's the moment You've all been waiting for.
One of these two gentlemen, Felipe or Tommy, will be the Winner of a quarter of a million Dollars and the title.
One last time, let's have the Music and lights, and do it up Big this time.
It's the moment.
After months of intense, yet Hilarious competition, America Has decided.
The winner who I am about to Announce on this stage tonight, The winner of $250,000, one of These gentlemen.
Right here.
And this season's "last comic Standing" is Felipe Esparza.
Congratulations, Felipe.
You are the "last comic Standing.
" How do you feel? Good.
Awesome.
God bless, America.
Let's also hear it for Tommy Johnagin.
He's a fierce competitor.
Best of luck to you, brother.
That's it for us.
Thank you, America.
Thank you for watching and Voting.
We'll see you next season.
Good night, United States.
Drive carefully.
This is Craig Robinson.
Peace.
Are you ready? We came back.
Three hilarious new judges.
And a burning desire to find Comedy greatness.
We went from coast to coast in Search of fresh faces, seasoned Pros and a few memorable Moments.
You never know.
Now we know.
After thousands of auditions And a series of unforgettable Showcases emerged the most Talented comics in "last comic Standing" history.
They were folks determined and Armed with a passion for Punchlines.
Welcome to fight club.
When the dust settled, 10 Hilarious comics moved on to the Finals for your votes and Comedy's biggest prize.
I don't care what America Thinks.
Next, only five remained.
One of these funnymen is about To see his life change.
The final results are in.
You made your decision, America.
Tonight we'll find out who will Be the "last comic standing.
" It's the night we've all been Waiting for.
It's the star-studded grand Finale of "last comic standing" With hilarious performances by The always outrageous Kathy Griffin, the host of the Marriage ref, Tom papa and Legendary funnyman Fred Willard.
Now, please put your hands Together for the final five.
Mike Destefano, Felipe Esparza, Myq Kaplan, Roy wood, Jr.
, and Tommy Johnagin.
And now, please welcome your Host, the man who has carried The show on his back all season Long, Craig Robinson.
thank you.
Thank you.
And welcome to the season finale Of "last comic standing.
" You, America, you have spoken, And we have the results of your Votes, and tonight we'll find Out which one of these comics Will be the winner of $250,000 And the title of "last comic Standing.
" And to draw it out for as long As possible, we have some very, Very, very special, very funny Guests with us and some Unbelievable surprises in store For you.
Right now I want to give a Shout-out to the three people Who are largely responsible for Bringing us this fab five group Of comics, our judges, Andy Kindler Natasha Leggero And Greg Giraldo.
It's been amazing working with Each of you, okay? Mostly Natasha, then Greg, then Andy's a close second.
Thank you.
All right.
Now they're all here.
Let's get down to business.
It's time for some results.
Tommy's shaking.
It's been a long and funny ride, But, unfortunately, it's about To end for one of you right now.
And I will break the news.
As soon as we come back.
Come on, you know we were going Stay tuned.
Welcome back to the finale of "last comic standing.
" These five comics battled it out All season for a place on this Stage tonight.
But now the battle is over and It's time to find out who you People voted.
It's time for our first Elimination.
Let's make it more dramatic than Ever.
The comedian who came in fifth, Fifth, fifth, and will not be The "last comic standing" is Myq Kaplan.
Come on, give it up, y'all.
Myq Kaplan.
Myq, you're a funny dude, man.
Congratulations to you.
Is there anything you would like To say to your fans? Thanks for being them.
And you should have bought some More phones.
One more hand, y'all, for myq Kaplan.
Oh, man.
That was painful.
Now I'd like to introduce you to A very special guest who has no Idea how that feels.
Please welcome the reigning "last comic standing," Iliza Shlesinger.
all right.
How are you guys doing? Thanks for coming out.
Yeah.
I'm so excited to be here.
This season they asked me to Dress up.
I said okay.
I put on heels.
Guys, next time you see a girl In a pair of heels, ask her how Tall she is, because she will Give you two numbers.
She will give you her height and Her heel height.
How tall are you.
Girls, don't do that.
They're just interested in how Tall you are.
They're not interested in how Tall you can be.
We're not picking for basketball Names.
You can be 5'9" in heels.
Great.
I can go five miles.
Men are hunter, women are Gatherers.
These roles are dictated by Nature, except when it comes to Shopping.
Then women are hunters.
For we are the only creatures That will rationalize a kill After we make it.
A lion runs down a gazelle.
He eats it.
He doesn't call his mom crying, He doesn't call his friend.
Women don't shop with any Authority.
No woman has sliced a credit Card and gone I'm confident with That purchase.
It's like, Becky, was that a Good idea? Your friend will always assure You.
No, those shoes are super cute.
Are you sure? Get the [bleep.]
shoes.
We've been here [bleep.]
hours.
I want to go home to my family.
Never enough.
We need reasons, validation.
I don't know.
Is it a good idea? Your friend will help you.
You want reasons? The shoes are super fun.
Dress them up, dress them down.
Whatever the hell that means.
I don't now you have Something pushily.
Purple.
Big deal.
Guys don't do that.
Guys are like I'll kill the Bear, but I don't know how I'll Feel about it.
Your friend doesn't swoop in, No, no, no, no, no.
You have to spend some time Outdoors.
You can dress it up, dress it Down.
And now you have a bear.
Went bear hunting last week.
Killed a bear.
Son of a bitch had it coming.
You drive home with minimal eye Contact.
The bad thing about wearing Heels is that it puts short Girls right at eye level which Is not what you want, because They're feisty.
You'll notice short girls are Often the first ones to start a Fight.
Like a chihuahua, they don't Know that they're little.
You have a fire in your belly, Too, if you spent a whole Lifetime unable to reach top Shelves.
You'd be pretty fired up if the Whole world of spices were Closed off to you simply because Of your leg length.
Next time you you see a girl Under 5'2", ask her what's Paprika? Cumin, salt, pepper, maybe Someone guesses for her.
A flavorless life.
I know one night I'm going to See a short girl.
She's going to be drunk, picking A fight.
She's going to be some someone's Face.
I don't care about you.
You think you're what? I don't care [bleep.]
what you Think.
Hit me.
Do it.
Do it.
Oh, my God.
Why did you hit me? Because you deserved it, snooky.
I cannot tell you what an Incredible honor it has been to Be the "last comic standing.
" I wish you all good luck and may The best girl win.
Iliza, let's hear it.
Okay.
We're going on a break.
When we come back, my band, the Nasty delicious, will perform.
And then our own Andy kindler Will take the stage.
We're crowning the winner Tonight.
Don't go anywhere.
Welcome back to the season Finale of "last comic standing.
" you know, judging stand-up Comedy is not an exact science.
And it's totally exhausting.
Am I right, guys? Oh, oh.
Tired.
That's right, Andy.
We work with an incredibly Strong host who helps us Shoulder the heavy, heavy burden Of this show.
That's right, Greg.
His close friends call him C-rock, his family calls him Arsenio hall, but to us, he will Always be Craig Robinson.
Take a look.
"last comic standing," I bet You're wondering how the hell Did that happen.
Are you ready? Yeah.
No matter what happens here Today, NBC will make Jay Leno The "last comic standing.
" You going to wear the same Thing? Why not? Should I change? You're fine.
Please give it up for the first Comic of the night, Eddie Murphy.
It's Christmas come early, Folks.
Tonight we're giving you the Gift of laughter.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing," the only show to Unite Jews and crips with Christians and bloods.
You want to know which comic is Performing next? Oh, my God, me, too.
It's official.
During the break, the other Networks were sold to the Chinese.
We're now the only American Television show on the air! I've been your host, the Reverend Craig Robinson.
See you next week.
Come on, party people, make Some noise for Craig Robinson And the nasty delicious.
thank you so much.
I want to take a moment.
You know, I understand what These comics are going through.
I mean, we've all had to fight For something we wanted, right? It's all about survival.
I want to dedicate the next song To the "last comic standing.
" once I was afraid I was petrified You know what? You know what? This is too special.
And I is there anybody out Here who can sing this song the Right way? at first I was afraid I was petrified Gloria Gaynor, ladies and Gentlemen! kept thinking I could never Live without you by my side but then I spent so many Nights so many nights thinking how you did me Wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get Along so now you're back from outer space I just walked in to find you Here with that sad look upon Your face I should have changed that Lock I should have made you leave Your key if I had known for just a Second you'd be back to bother Me go on now go walk out the Door just turn around now cause you're not welcome Anymore weren't you the one who tried To hurt me with good-bye you think I'd crumble as long as I know how to love I know I will be alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give I will survive I will survive hey, hey Here's something you might not.
Know.
It took all the strength I had Not to fall apart kept trying hard to mend the Pieces of my broken heart and I spent so many nights Just feeling sorry for myself I used to cry now I hold my head up high and you see he made me Something new I'm not that chained up little Person still in love with you and so you felt like dropping In and just expect me to be Free and I'm saving all my loving For someone who's loving me now go walk out the door just turn around now you're not welcome anymore weren't you the one who tried To hurt me with good-bye you think I'd crumble you think I'd lay down and Die oh, no, not I I will survive as long as I know how to love I know I will stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give I will survive I will survive I will survive Gloria Gaynor! Gloria Gaynor! Hey, when we return, we have a Special performance by "last Comic standing" judge Andy Kindler and Kathy Griffin will Perform.
Then we'll find out who will be Crowned "last comic standing.
" Don't touch that dial.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Welcome back to the "last Comic standing" season finale.
Tonight we'll find out who you Chose to be the winner of $250,000 and the title.
But first, we're going to get Back to what this show is all About.
Neurotic Jews.
Please welcome Andy kindler.
all right.
Yes, thank you.
I want you all to know that I Will be judging myself Internally during my Performance.
Before I was a judge on "last Comic standing," I was against Contests, but this show has Turned me around.
Now I think all of our Professions should be judged on The basis of a contest.
How about "last scientist Standing.
" Wouldn't that be great? Tonight, one scientist will move Forward.
One scientist will be Eliminated.
That's a great theory, Einstein, But you've been voted out of the Laboratory.
Tonight, America, you will Decide if string theory is valid Or perhaps the multiverse theory Is more valid.
The great artist Monet before he Would start a painting, he would Yell out to no one in Particular, do you people like Impressionism? Half the crowd was stunned by That joke.
I may not be the "last comic Standing," but I'm the first Comic on stage to admit when a Joke doesn't go over.
I like to comment a lot about my Act during my act.
Before I was a comedian, I was In the deconstruction business.
I never built anything.
I just commented while other People built.
Drywall looks more like wet Wall.
Don't encourage me.
I I was watching a Documentary on the history of On the history channel.
I like to fumfer.
It's my style.
A documentary about Hitler and His drug problems called "high Hitler.
" It's cutesie.
Is that what it comes to? We need a gimmick to get people To watch Hitler? Are you telling me that Hitler's Numbers are down? That's my new thing.
Whenever I travel, kind of Point.
Whenever I travel, I check into A hotel, I turn on the TV, they Advertise, on demand.
You don't have to wait 10 Minutes to watch your favorite Hollywood movie.
Then you see the choices.
"duplicity.
" "it's complicated.
" Again Nicolas cage tries an Action movie four.
This does not fulfill the Promise of demand.
You will not hear me yell from My hotel room, "I demand to see Old dogs now.
" Yes, I'll take it.
Front desk.
Hold my calls.
I'm watching "the proposal.
" This actually happened a couple Of months ago.
My manager e-mailed me that he Just had an inquiry from vh1 Celebrity fit club.
That's not nice, right? So I e-mail him back.
I say are they implying that I'm Out of shape? And he shoots back, why don't You look at the bright side.
They're implying you're a Celebrity.
I enjoy applause.
I do enjoy it.
I'll take it.
I will take it.
There's so many reality shows on TV, I don't even know what they Mean.
There's a wife called "wife Swap.
" If it was about swapping, I'd Give it a shot.
But, no.
On "wife swap," what happens is That two families agree to Switch wives.
I just sold my own show.
It's called "family medication Swap.
" Two seriously ill families agree To switch medications.
How will a diabetic react to Cholesterol-lowering drugs? How will someone with severe Hypertension react to Antidepressants? I'm having a stroke.
You know what? I'm okay with that.
It's cool.
Thank you, everybody.
You've been wonderful.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Andy kindler.
Way to go.
That was a performance for the History books.
And speaking of history, tonight We are proud to present our new Series, the history of "last Comic standing.
" It's a heart-warming look at This show in all its glory past And present.
See for yourself.
Stand-up comedy is an Occupation for the fearless.
One not only bares his soul but Watches as others laugh at it.
Throughout history, only a few Could perform this art form and Perform it well.
After "last comic standing," Everyone calls themself a Comedian.
This resulted in a quality Outcry for quality control.
Ordinary citizens wanted to Exercise their right to vote in The name of good comedy.
Hence, the birth of "last comic Standing.
" the original title of the Show, we had so many titles that I can't even remember them.
We must have had a dozen titles, Silly titles, bad titles, and Then, of course, "last comic Standing" was the best.
After 48 smash years, "last Comic standing" has changed the Very fabric of society.
No longer a secret wrapped up in An enigma, stand-up comedy is The most respected art form in The world next to sculpture and It's the domain of a select few Who have been chosen by the People, for the people.
Okay.
When we come back, we'll say Good-bye to another comic and Move another step closer to Finding out who will be the "last comic standing.
" Stay right there.
We are back.
Tonight, it's our season finale.
There's electricity in the air That's messing up my weave.
Anyway, it's time now to bid Adieu to another one of our Comics.
That means it's time for drama Lights.
Fellas, it has been a pleasure Working with each one of you.
I know our paths will cross Again some day soon.
The comic who finished fourth This season is Mike Destefano.
Sorry, Mike, but we had some Good times together, man.
We did.
Is there anything you would Like to say to your fans? To my fans, thank you very Much.
For those who didn't vote for Me, fuck you.
Mike Destefano, everybody.
He'll be on the last comic tour Coming to a city near you.
Way to go, Mike.
Okay.
Let's keep this emotional roller Coaster going.
We are very lucky to have with Us tonight a man who knows a Thing or two about emotion.
That's because he's the marriage Ref.
Please help me welcome my Friend, the hilarious Tom papa.
hello.
Hooray.
Ah, it's good to see you guys.
There's so much pressure in the Building.
People being kicked off.
If you're married, no pressure At all.
If you're dating right now and You're sitting out here, the Work you're doing, what these Guys are going through is not Even close to what you're Dealing with.
If you're married, freedom.
It's in the rules.
It's just the finish line.
If you're married, you don't Have to be polite tonight on Your date.
You can eat whatever the hell You want.
It's in the rules.
You can get as fat as you want.
I love you.
You love me.
We can't have sex with other People.
Let's eat a chocolate cake.
You want ice cream on that? You bet your fat ass, I do.
It's freedom.
There's no being polite.
If you're a girl and you're out With a guy at night and you go Home and you're chilly, you have To be so careful how you say I'm A little chilly.
Are you a little chilly? I'm a little do you think Maybe you could turn the air Down? I want you to be hot but If my wife is cold, she yells at Me.
Shut the damn window.
I yell back at her.
I'm doing it.
We're not fighting.
We're communicating in a timely Fashion.
There's no time to be polite.
Where are the kids? I don't know.
Are we having sex tonight? If I'm still awake.
I love you.
Freedom.
It's freedom.
I'm telling you.
You don't get offended.
You know why? These fights last forever.
One time in the middle of a Fight, my wife called me a Bloated jellyfish.
All I could say was good one, Good one.
Because I know I have the rest Of my life to get her back.
They never we had a fight Three years ago about the right Way to load a dishwasher.
I remember having the the fight.
I remember thinking I won that Fight.
Two weeks ago we were out with Another couple.
Somebody mentioned dish.
My wife attacked from nowhere.
I thought it was over.
She was waiting like a crocodile In the water for three years 'til I walked by.
Dish.
Aaah.
The whole story is written by The women.
You have the advantage in Marriage.
This whole story is written by You.
The whole thing is up to you.
Because you've been planning it Since the time you were little.
I have daughters, they're Planning their weddings now.
They're this big.
When you were a boy, did you Ever hang out with your little Boyfriends? Let's played married.
Let's pretend I came home from The store and brought all the Wrong stuff and you yell at me.
But it's good.
Now I've got kids.
Now it's actually becoming Enjoyable.
This whole marriage thing, now I Have a family.
And when they're little and Babies, not enjoyable.
Awful.
Now they can talk.
Now this is getsi getting fu.
Ever go with a party with Grown-ups you know and they're Regurgitating things they've Been saying for years? How's work, don? Still a million bucks shy of Being a millionaire.
My golf game Shoot me in the face.
My daughter walked in the other Day.
First thing out of her mouth, Mom's breath smells like a taco.
Great.
Let's talk about that.
Why does it smell like a taco? I don't know.
It normally smells like plastic, But today it smells like a taco.
I think there was a unicorn in My room last night.
I saw some sparkles.
Do you smell a rainbow? I think I smell a rainbow Coming.
You're awesome.
I don't even have to get high With you.
This is great.
Who smells rainbows? And you know what? As much as you complain about Being married or any of that Stuff, guys, stop complaining.
You win.
You win.
You get to be with women at the End of this mess.
Women, you have to be with us.
You lose.
You do.
Women are so clean and soft And women can get clean with Body wash.
Body wash and a loofah.
Ding! You can't clean a man with body Wash, a horrible man.
We need a big brick of soap Hopefully with pieces of rock in It.
All covered and hair.
Not even hair like a bear.
We're like a sick bear from Chernobyl, all splotchy, bald Spots, twizzlers poking out of Our nipples for no reason.
I don't know how you women let Us climb on you.
I'd be a lesbian for sure.
I have a friend who only has Hair from the waist down.
He's like half goat, half man.
Walking on the beach.
Why is everyone looking at me? I don't know, pan, they're Probably following your hoof Marks down to the ocean's edge.
We're dumb.
Men are dumb.
I'm dumb.
I got loss with my GPS system.
I realize why.
This is sexist and wrong.
It's a female voice on the Navigation system.
I don't trust her.
I like her.
I'm turned on by her.
She has an English accent.
She says something like in a Quarter mile, exit the motorway.
You're adorable, but I'm going Straight.
Thank you all very much.
give it up for Tom papa and Don't forget to watch "the Marriage ref" on NBC.
You might see a familiar face.
It's time to get our documentary On.
Let's take a look at another Moment in "last comic standing" History.
In the words of former Secretary of state Condoleezza Rice, laughter is universal.
Condi's theory may explain the Stunning success of "last comic Standing" in over 40 major Countries around the globe.
I never thought the show Would take off internationally.
I thought Uganda, Sudan and Egypt maybe, but never Mozambique.
All the world agrees, there Is one thing that makes us all The same.
That's our basic human need for Competitive comedy-based reality Programming and the one show That fills that need is "last Comic standing.
" when we return, we'll enjoy The comedy stylings of our very Own judge, Natasha Leggero.
And later, Kathy Griffin will Hit the stage.
And then we'll find out who will Be the "last comic standing.
" Stay with us.
Welcome back.
America, tonight you'll finally Find out which of our finalists You've chosen to be the "last Comic standing.
" Come closer.
I'd like to take a moment right Now to talk to you about a Special, special lady.
She had to sit through all those Crazy auditions, and I love her.
I love her.
Well.
Please welcome the very stylish Natasha Leggero.
hi.
Hello.
I know it's hard to listen to Comedy right now with all these Environmental disasters going On.
So sad.
Can you believe we're running Out of diamonds? How are we going to make more Diamonds? The only way I know how to make A diamond is to do it with an Old man.
Oh, there's one.
Hi.
Way more messy than scrubbing Some oil off some seagulls.
These environmentalists get so Upset when oil gets on the Birds.
I mean, how do they think fried Chicken is made? Can you imagine being as rich as These oil executives that you Can just write a check for Ruining the ocean? So sorry about that.
How much? $12 billion.
All right.
What should I put on the memo Line? I'll just put oopsy.
You guys have babies? I know.
Gross.
Oh, sorry.
My friends who have babies can't Do anything.
You can't go out at night.
Having a baby is like a DUI from The universe.
My brother's a rapper.
Thank you.
My other brother lives in a van That he put an address on.
When did rap turn into Professional bragging.
Why aren't there any Self-effacing rappers.
Had to go to goodwill to get This jacket.
That's because I'm in a Low-income tax bracket.
That I would listen to.
If someone came up and said I've Got $15 million in diamonds, Obama won't stop texting me, Everyone wants to have sex with Me and you're a bitch.
What a douche.
If he yells that over an '80s Song, you're like, yeah, this Guy's awesome.
Guys will brag about anything.
I was just in Vegas, and I Overheard this guy.
He's like, yo, had sex with a Prostitute last night, bro.
Okay, bragging that you had sex With a prostitute is like Bragging that you got some Doritos from a vending machine.
Okay.
There's no skill involved.
You can't even go dancing Anymore in Vegas.
They don't even play full songs.
They just take the most popular If you like it, ring my bell.
Ring my.
If a d.
J.
Made it to the bridge Of a song, you know he's o.
D.
'd.
I don't know how you dance to That, but what is wrong with Fergie? Every video she's rubbing her Butt on a car.
I'm so [bleep.]
the car.
You guys get that? How many How many suvs has she given an Std to? It's been really great being a Judge on "last comic standing.
" Very exciting.
Although I have to admit, I have No idea what's happening.
These rules on these reality Shows are so confusing.
Tonight, the bottom two decide Which six will join the final Five.
Okay.
People have been comparing me to Paula Abdul.
Okay.
Paula Abdul has been wasted Since '98.
They cut to her.
She's spinning around Hallucinating.
She has no idea what's Happening.
I mean, I know she's on pills, But remember Judy garland? She would drink 29 scotches and Then take the pills to sparkle.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Natasha Leggero.
All right.
When we come back, we'll present An important award to a fan Favorite.
It's our first-ever best joke of The year award.
We'll be back to tear it up, and Later Kathy Griffin will step Into the stop light.
Welcome back to the season Finale of "last comic standing.
" We're crowning a winner tonight, So stay buckled into your seats.
Right now, it's time for another Moment in "last comic standing" History.
Take a look.
He is strong, compassionate, Suave, magnetic.
He brings us in.
When there's pain, he's a Shoulder to cry on.
When there's laughter, he waits For it to die down so he can Throw to commercial.
He is an unsung hero on "last Comic standing.
" He is the host.
And now, 67 seasons later, the Show is lucky to have with it a Host who is not only a Television star, but a great Film actor.
An accomplished musician, a Master of improvisation and Pantomime and a lover of the Theater, Mr.
Craig Robinson.
I got the job hosting "last Comic standing" there's Rumors about a bear or Something.
I don't want to talk about it.
It's really a great story.
No one will believe it, but what Walking to my car in Burbank And two bears attacked me and Tried to steal my car and attack Me.
Craig happened to be walking by.
Leave him alone.
Get out of Burbank.
Go.
I told him if I could ever do Anything for him, anything at All, that he shouldn't hesitate To ask.
And then he'd like to be the Host of "last comic standing.
" It's the least I can do.
The guy saved my wife from the Bears.
That's how he became the host.
As it often does in the Television business, fate Stepped in and brought these two Mega talents together.
And the rest is reality Television history.
please give it up for Johnny Ross and tiny Watson.
hey, girl.
See you sitting over there with Your friends.
Well, I've just got one question For you.
Are you into older guys? I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it hey girl over there with the Funny looking hair come here so I can take you There I'm standing up that's the truth when you role play baby it ain't no stretch I could be bill Clinton if You've got a blue dress I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it if you momma and your daddy Don't like them boys, they'll Jump for joy I make some good money I've got a GED got 10 kids I'm sick of watching porn when you wake up in the Morning you won't forget I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it I don't want to talk about It I want to be about it I don't want to talk about it I want to be about it I want to be about it I want to be about it I want to Come on! I don't want to talk about It I don't want to I don't want to yeah yeah yeah yeah we've shared a lot of great Moments on "last comic standing" This season.
Here are two of my favorites.
And now, the top best jokes Excluding those told by Number five.
I'm from Jersey.
Thanks for the love.
People you see don't respect Jersey, right? Jersey, we're one of the most Hated on places in the world.
We're up there with Iraq.
It's like Iraq, Afghanistan, new Jersey is right there, man.
I bet if people had to vote to Bomb new Jersey, they'd be like, Yeah, we should bomb new Jersey.
Number four.
Television for women.
Every time you turn it on we're Getting beaten, raped and Stabbed.
Whose lifetime is this? Number three.
Went to the zoo.
I saw a camel.
Had a really tiny hump.
Hope she has a nice personality.
Number two.
I'm kind of a late bloomer.
I didn't come out 'til a few Years ago and I remember in College, my mom used to be I Don't understand when you get Upset when your friend Michele Goes on dates with guys.
Because she's my best friend.
And the best joke was you guys remember where you Were when Michael Jackson died? That was a huge death.
I was at my father's funeral and This guy burst in and he said, Everyone, I'm sorry to interrupt This funeral, but I'm afraid I Have some terrible news.
And we were devastated.
My mother collapsed.
My 12-year-old brother started Crying and grabbing his crotch To try to bring Michael back Somehow.
It almost ruined that funeral, But then our pastor put on "thriller" and we all started Singing and dancing and I picked Up my dad and moved him like a Zombie.
we know we know it doesn't Take three people to present a Fake award.
But we were promised equal Screen time and that's what We're going to get.
Here to accept the award for Best top joke is curt metzger.
congratulations.
Congratulations.
Oh, my God.
Thank you, "last comic Standing.
" Just read the thing.
Stick around.
Greg Giraldo will perform after These commercial messages.
Welcome back to our season Finale.
Tonight, one lucky and talented Comic will win $250,000 and the Best title on television.
In a moment, we will have to say Good-bye to yet another comic, So please get your box of Tissues ready.
But before the pain comes the Pleasure.
Ladies and gentlemen, bow down To Greg Giraldo.
hello.
Wow! Man, this has been a terrible, Terrible, brutal summer.
We had that obviously, that Bad disaster, you know, the Disaster in the Gulf and then we Had to see those oily animals on TV.
The world cup? Did you watch that? Weren't those some oily creeps? There was a terrorist attack in New York City this summer in Times Square.
A botched terrorist attack.
The terrorist was stupid.
It was a dumb terrorist.
It works out better when they're Dumb.
He left his keys in his car Bomb.
He locked his keys in his car Bomb.
That would be a great commercial For on-star.
Hello? This is embarrassing.
There was so much coverage about The thing, I had to explain Terrorism to my son.
I'm watching TV with my son.
But, dad, how come the bad men Hate us? How come the bad men hate us? Isn't that heartbreaking? I almost got a little tear in my Eye.
Because he's 18.
What kind of a moron am I Raising? I don't know why they hate us, Dip [bleep.]
.
Why don't you read the paper and Form your own opinions.
I live in New York City.
Some people say that's the Greatest city on earth.
People say things like that all The time.
It's the greatest city on earth.
How can you say any city is the Greatest city unless you've been To every city? Maybe there's a city in Indonesia where there's 28 People, 26 are hot chicks that Will [bleep.]
you for a nickel.
Yeah, and the other two are Dudes that give you nickels.
That's a great city.
You want to check that out.
This homeless guy asked me for Money about 20 years ago.
This homeless guy asked me for Money.
I was about to give it to him.
Then I thought he's just going To use it on drugs or alcohol.
Then I thought that's what I'm Going to use it on.
Who the hell am I to judge this Poor slob, you know? People love to judge homeless Guys.
If you give him the money, he's Going to waste the money.
He's going to waste the money.
He lives in a box.
What do you want him to do, save It up and buy a wall unit? He's homeless.
A guy screams at a homeless guy.
Why don't you get a job, you Bum.
People always say that to Homeless guys.
Get a job like it's always that Easy.
This homeless guy was wearing His underwear outside his pants.
I'm guessing his résumé ain't All up to date.
I'm predicting some problems During the interview process.
I'm pretty sure even the video Store has an underwear go inside The pants policy.
Not that they enforce it very Strictly, but if you want to Beat out the wall-eyed Your pants on right.
I saw these homeless guys.
They were singing acappella Together for money.
They were happy.
You whine about your problems.
These guys were singing a Cappella shaking a cup.
How did they meet? How do you bump into other a Cappella enthusiasts when you're Out there on the homeless trail? Sitting around the shelter one Day.
I need some crack.
Me too.
Me three.
We are sitting on a gold mine.
I watched a show the other day On food addiction.
It was a special on food Addiction.
They had all these people on There complaining about their Food addiction.
One woman was super passionate.
I'm a food addict.
It's an addiction, a disease, Just like alcoholism or drug Addiction.
Yeah, just like alcoholism or Drug addiction.
How come then when a wife kicks You out of the house for being a Drunk or a drug addict, she's, You know, a big hero.
But if you if you kick her Out for fattening up a little Bit, you know, that's not quite As cool, right? Maybe you're just trying to help Her hit rock bottom.
Is that powdered sugar on your Shirt? Have you been eating? Oh, my God.
You are stuffed in front of the Kids.
A lot of people seem to love Sports way too much.
Sports are entertaining, but It's become like the new They've become the new opiate of The masses.
It keeps people from looking at Their own lives and realize how Bad they've got it.
I mean, if you couldn't get Drunk and paint yourself orange And brown every Sunday, you Might realize [bleep.]
I live in Cleveland.
How the hell did this happen? You know, did I used to did I Used to eat babies in a former Life? And then you look around your Tiny little house you can't Afford because of the mortgage Crisis and your horrible little Sloppy kids who will have Diabetes by the time they're 8 Because they live on corn syrup And lies and you look at your Big bloated mess of a wife as She waddled toward you with her Front butt.
I'm going to shoot myself and my Daughter with a mullet, but you Don't because there's a game Coming on with nachos and blah, Blah.
Thank you very much, everyone.
Greg Giraldo, everybody.
All right.
This is a big night, folks.
One comic will have his life Change forever.
And even longer.
And right now it's time to find Out who else that won't be.
It's time for our next Elimination.
One more lights down.
Thank you.
The comic who finished third This season is Roy wood, Jr.
Come on, give it up.
I just lost $400.
Roy.
You made it to the top three.
You should be proud, man.
Is there anything you'd like to Say to your fans? I just want to say thank you To America, my mom, the city of Birmingham, Alabama, Florida a & M university.
My journey is for every road Comic that started in the the South and the Midwest that's Doing this the hard way, thank You so much.
I'll see y'all at a bar Somewhere.
One more time for Roy wood, Jr.
Here they are, the top two Comics of the season.
When we come back, miss Kathy Griffin will perform and then These guys will take the stage One last time before we crown The winner.
Welcome back to lts.
If you don't know what lts Stands for, it's too late.
This is our star-studded finale.
In the case of our next star, We're talking d-list, baby.
Take a look.
I know that people think Kate Is a nightmare.
I get it.
People don't like her.
They don't like her angry Lesbian haircut.
They don't like it.
What's the nicest thing anyone's Ever done for me? Way nicer than anything you ever Did.
Babies are gorgeous.
How do you judge no, some babies are ugly.
What's the story behind this? That will last you.
You're kidding.
You're making that up.
You bought this at Wal-Mart.
Holding Levi close, I realize This is where I'm meant to be For three days and then get me The [bleep.]
out of here.
Here's the incomparable Kathy Griffin.
hello.
Hello, hello, "last comic Standing.
" Hello.
Thank you.
Look at this.
All right.
I hope you're ready, because They all go down tonight.
Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Jersey shore, real housewives.
They all go down.
All right.
So I'm bringing you the breaking News about my girl Lindsay.
Yeah, this is something we've Got to talk out.
First of all, I never met a Lohan I didn't like.
And you know she served 13 days In prison.
Because in California, you can Just basically kill somebody and Still just get 13 days.
So now she's at UCLA today as we Speak for rehab for some sort of Substance abuse allegedly which I don't believe for one second.
Although, how great was it when She showed up in court with the Three costume changes like my Idol, Naomi Campbell.
But Lindsay's court moment Wasn't really about that, was It? No.
It was about when she was Pleading to the judge, softly Sobbing, saying she didn't mean To respect the court and brought The fingers up to the face and Then you know you all saw it.
The manicure with the f-u on the Finger.
That's my girl.
That's my girl.
Come on.
You know that was her gay Stylist or her gay hair person That was like, girl, you know What would be funny? How funny would it be if you Took a sharpie and put f-u on Your finger.
Nobody's going to notice.
Now she's at UCLA and I don't Know, but I can only hope that They're putting her on one of These 5150s.
Have you heard of this? I haven't heard of this since I Moved to California.
They put Britney on one.
Apparently, when you're in Rehab, they put you on a 5150 Cycle where they're afraid You're going to do something so Crazy that they watch you and Maybe you're in a padded cell And they feed you.
Okay.
How many moms out here, how many Moms or just plain old working Stiffs think that sounds like an F'ing vacation? Sign me up.
That sounds like heaven.
Somebody else not having the Best week, but please don't act Like you haven't been listening To the Mel Gibson rant.
Come on.
Give it up for the Mel Gibson Rant.
First of all, let me just say as A woman, I'm offended.
I'm offended.
He's horrifying.
He's scary.
But to be honest, as a comedian, When did Mel Gibson turn into Darth Vader, okay? Have you heard this? You didn't tell me you had Foreign blood.
Okay.
I know Luke Skywalker is your Secret son, but is he on a Treadmill when he's yelling at Her? What is happening on those Tapes? He didn't know that maybe she Had a little breast Augmentation, really? Okay.
We've all seen photos of this Woman, Oksana.
I don't know her, but I've seen The the photos.
And just based on that, let me Just say I've been very open About what I call my dental Work.
You know, I'm not going to lie To you about that.
I've got staples in my head Right now.
But I will say the one thing That's real is the boobs.
The boobs are mushy, look at Them.
Mushy and real.
That's right.
And tonight, tonight when I go To bed with one of you, tonight When I go to bed, yes, and I lie Down, my boobs are going to be Underneath my armpits where they Belong.
The way the good lord intended.
I might roll over on a nipple.
I don't know.
It's early.
But I don't think Oksana, based On the photos, tried to hide the Breast augmentation from Anybody.
Because they're up to here.
She's got them up to the chin.
You could put a beer can Collection on there.
I don't know.
But I can listen to those tapes All day.
All right.
Now, let's talk about because I know you admit it, that you're Watching every single minute of "Jersey shore.
" Let's talk about it.
I'd love to stand here and say I Watch nothing but "frontline.
" I watch "jersey shore" every Minute and I should let you know I just saw the whole cast two Weeks ago.
I was next to the situation.
Yes, the situation.
Not his baptismal name, but I Was next to him.
You know the gtl, the gym tan Laundry, I want to add a letter S for shower.
They're fun to watch, but they Stink.
They reek and they smell bad.
I'm afraid when I'm doing the Situation, I might stick to him.
Out of concern for my own Safety, not if, but when I have Sex with Matthew McConaughey, You know, he's very earthy and Malibu surfy, but he just kind Of looks sticky, and I feel I Could be making love to him and We have to be lasered apart.
I don't know.
So please tell me you're Watching "the real housewives of New Jersey.
" First of all, we have the new One from D.
C.
, the so-called White house Gate crasher.
Now, here's the deal.
I love the shows, but these Girls are not the smartest girls In the room or the state or Anything.
And here's why.
They have the chick on "the View" from D.
C.
And she kept Saying I was the first one Casted on the show.
I was casted.
Okay, you moron, the past tense Of cast is cast.
It's just cast.
It's like when Teresa from Jersey said I like to buy a new House because of the Cleansingness.
I like cleansingness.
Really.
That's okay with you? Maybe after she got casted and Moved in the house with Cleansingness, she was so Disorientated, she had to take An ambulance to the liberry.
Kathy Griffin! Kathy Griffin, ladies and Gentlemen.
We're going to take a break.
Our top two will perform, and Then one of them will be named The grand master Champion of "last comic standing.
" welcome back to the "last Comic standing" finale.
We are down to two finalists, Ladies and gentlemen.
That's it.
Right now let's reacquaint Ourselves with our first Finalist, Felipe Esparza.
to come from where I come From and to go this far, to win "last comic standing" would be The biggest thing in my life.
You are one of the funniest Homeless guys.
I'm going to give some of That money to father Greg Boyle From home boy industries.
It's a place that helps out People who are involved in Gangs.
He helped me out a lot.
I won't think twice writing that Check.
I am ready to be the "last comic Standing.
" I will be the "last comic Standing.
" please make some noise for Felipe Esparza.
so how are you guys doing Tonight? Good? All right.
I met this girl last night.
She said I'll stay at your house But we'll have no sex.
Tomorrow morning, we'll have Breakfast.
You can't eat no food.
She said I like a guy that does It to me rough.
I said, good, my car broke down.
We're walking.
I was having sex with some girl One time.
During sex she screamed out the Wrong name.
But it's kind of like this show.
Many were called, but few were Chosen.
Don't you hate that, guys, when You finally meet the crazy girl Of the neighborhood? She's been with everyone.
Now it's your turn.
And now she's not like that no More.
I'm not like that no more.
You're special.
No, I'm last.
So now I go out with gay guys.
It's okay.
Those guys know how to treat a Man.
This guy took me dancing, the Movies.
At the end of the night, he Wants to get crazy with me.
I said, hey, I'm not like that No more.
You're special.
I am broke, man.
You know you're broke when you Pass by an aluminum can and say, Damn, I should have picked that Up.
I can't even afford cologne.
I rip it off the magazine and Rub it on my t-shirt.
People say you smell good.
What's that? Page 5.
So, Jonathan, everybody has a Best friend, somebody you hang Out with.
And the only reason he's your Best friend is because his life Is worse more than yours.
Me and my best friend, we're at Spring break in Mexico.
We didn't go to college, but we Love spring break.
We made out we ended up Making out with the same girl, But I was first.
It ended up not being a girl, Though.
My friend was next.
I didn't tell him.
I just said handle it, dog.
That's you, bro.
On the way home, he's crying.
How come you didn't say Anything? Because, bro, now I know you can Keep a secret.
Thank you very much.
Felipe Esparza! All right.
Let's hear the judges' final Thoughts.
Andy.
Felipe, my judging now Doesn't mean anything, but why Stop, you know what I mean? Why not continue to judge? That was so great.
That story about you in Mexico Was both funny and disturbing.
And I certainly hope there's an Investigation, is what I hope.
Felipe, you are amazing.
The only thing I can say, I just Love what you've done over this Competition, and I just feel Grateful I was able to see it.
Just amazing.
So amazing.
Natasha.
Felipe, first of all, people Love screaming your name for Some reason.
It's fun to say.
I feel like I could not be funny If you tried.
Does that make sense? It made sense.
Okay.
I would say do quit your day Job.
Great job.
Felipe, you're awesome, like When you and I were down in Mexico.
I told you then.
Doesn't matter that it's a dude, Right? We put it behind us.
We should both do comedy.
I'm glad we both did.
People love you.
You're an unbelievable Performer.
You have this thing where nobody Can do what you do.
You just you say things in a Way that's very specific to you.
Your style is totally specific To you.
You're a total original from Your look to the delivery to Everything.
I think you're just great and Congratulations on everything You do.
if you want to vote for Felipe, call I mean, one more Time for Felipe Esparza.
And now it's time to see and Hear Tommy Johnagin.
Check him out.
Tommy Johnagin.
Comedy starts now.
"last comic standing" has been This big life-changing event for Me.
Winning $250,000 is a huge deal, And I plan on wasting a giant Amount of it.
Probably thirips, booze and Broads.
In stand-up comedy, I would like To be considered one of the Great, good stand-up comedians By peers.
I want people to think I'm doing Comedy a good service.
Show your love for Tommy Johnagin.
thank you.
All right.
Man, this show's way funner than The rest of them.
First of all, I'd like to really Give it up for the other 10 Finalists that have been here.
It's been so great.
I'm glad to meet them.
And I don't mind pandering.
I'll tell you a story.
Once I met a girl one night.
She had a bunch of piercings, Tattoos.
Very interesting.
Excited to meet her.
Whatever.
Then we go to leave.
I'm going to go home.
She goes I'll drive you.
I said I live a long way away.
I'll take a cab.
She says I insist.
She gets in the car and says you Do live far.
I'll take you home in the Morning.
These next 24 hours are crucial.
She starts talking about her Tattoos.
She has one on her back, a date When somebody died.
She had a tattoo of the zipper Down her rib canalling.
Rib cage.
She said zipper was mine and my Boyfriend's safety word in bed.
I don't live that far if you Think about it.
It's like a mile.
I keep on thinking I've got to Not have sex with this girl.
I don't have a safety word.
I have buckle up.
She says that's hot.
We get to her house.
I'm like there's no way we Should have sex.
She wanted to have sex.
I was a guest in her house.
I'm not a rude person.
We start romping around.
In the first minute, she bit me On my shoulder.
Like bit zipper, zipper.
I start blowing in her nose Because that works with dogs.
Then she goes oh, oh, are you Not into that? Well, if you'd asked me 20 Minutes ago, I wouldn't have Even had an answer.
Now, no, no, I'm not.
They're going to have to put Skin from my butt and put it on My shoulder.
You have bit through me, ma'am.
Then she started scratching me.
Scratching the hell out of me to The point it was like she Thought there was a better me Under the current me in which She I want to get to the Black one or whatever.
And then it got weird.
Because she choked me and to The point where she almost Choked me out.
Even if we had a safety word, I Wouldn't have been able to say It.
I'm trying to reach for my pants And point to the zipper.
If I'd been wearing button fly, I may not be here tonight.
I fight her off and she goes, Oh, did you want to choke me? Yeah, that's what it was.
Was being chivalrous.
Up Then she texted me for weeks After that and I never Responded.
One time she goes what did I do Wrong? Assault and battery, ma'am.
Assault and battery.
That's it for me.
Thank you guys very much.
It's been a wild ride.
Tommy johnagin.
All right.
Let's hear the judges' final, Final thoughts.
Natasha.
Finally, took that purple Shirt off.
You look great.
You kept wearing a purple shirt.
Okay.
You're a killer joke writer.
I love that story.
I think one day you're going to Meet a girl who's not going to Be insane, because we've heard a Lot of crazy stories.
I think you should name your Comedy album "black on the Inside.
" That would be good.
Great.
Greg? Not a fan.
Tommy, I love you.
I've told you this before.
I think you're a great, great Comic.
You're a storyteller.
A lot of storytellers you Kill me every week.
Best of luck.
I'm sure you're going to have a Great career.
Andy kindler.
You've got stronger unlike My act, you got stronger every Week.
When you write such great jokes, Sometimes it's hard to see the Personality, but every week, Stronger and stronger.
People really got a sense of who You were.
I think it was great to watch.
Fantastic.
Another round of applause for Tommy johnagin.
We're going to take one more Break and when we return, you Get to witness the fulfillment Of a dream and the birth of a Star.
We're going to meet the new "last comic standing.
" for the last time this Season, I get to say these Words.
Welcome back to "last comic Standing.
" You know, the two most popular Questions people ask me are, Have I ever hooked up with Kate Flannery and what is the voting Process like on "last comic Standing"? I will never answer the first Question.
Tonight, the truth is revealed About how the votes are Tabulated.
Let's see.
I have 6, 000, 0043 for crystal Bower sox.
Here's one for crystal bowersox.
They're counting the votes.
That's so weird.
Anyway, without further stalling Or milking, it's the moment You've all been waiting for.
One of these two gentlemen, Felipe or Tommy, will be the Winner of a quarter of a million Dollars and the title.
One last time, let's have the Music and lights, and do it up Big this time.
It's the moment.
After months of intense, yet Hilarious competition, America Has decided.
The winner who I am about to Announce on this stage tonight, The winner of $250,000, one of These gentlemen.
Right here.
And this season's "last comic Standing" is Felipe Esparza.
Congratulations, Felipe.
You are the "last comic Standing.
" How do you feel? Good.
Awesome.
God bless, America.
Let's also hear it for Tommy Johnagin.
He's a fierce competitor.
Best of luck to you, brother.
That's it for us.
Thank you, America.
Thank you for watching and Voting.
We'll see you next season.
Good night, United States.
Drive carefully.
This is Craig Robinson.
Peace.