Last Comic Standing (2003) s08e10 Episode Script
Finals - Top 5 to 4 with Jay Leno
[Chuckles.]
Hey, J.
B.
- What's up, Russell? - I'm good, buddy.
- Have a great show tonight, man.
- Oh, thanks, man.
- Yeah.
- That coffee smells good.
- Oh, it's good.
- Mm.
Wait, whoa, whoa.
- Where you going? - Get some coffee.
It's judges only.
What do you mean "judges only"? What kind of Jim crow stuff is that? That's racist.
Exclusive maybe.
It's not racist.
I'ma tell you what.
I'ma go in that room, and I'ma get me some coffee.
Oh, well, you Good luck.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey.
What do you think you're doing? It's Judge Milian from the people's court.
Yeah, I know who I am, but who do you think you are? "Judges' lounge.
" Judges only.
I'm the host.
I want some coffee.
- Are you a judge? - No.
Okay, well, then you're not walking in there.
- Hi, Marilyn.
- Hey, Roseanne.
- How you doing? - Good.
- Hey, is Judy in there? - She sure is.
She's in there playing gin with Simon and Sotomayor.
Hey.
Hey, Roseanne.
Can I be your plus one? I just want some coffee.
J.
B.
, you're the last person on Earth that needs any coffee.
Go get the show started.
Is there decaf in there? Hot cocoa? Male narrator: Tonight, as we begin the title round, it's the first of our final three performance shows.
Joe Machi, Rocky Laporte, Lachlan Patterson, Rod Man, and Nikki Carr will try to move closer to the title of Last Comic Standing.
With everything at stake, the pressure has never been greater.
Luckily, they'll get some professional help.
Surprise! Narrator: From the comedy mentor of a lifetime I want you to be mentored by the best.
[All exclaim.]
Narrator: The one and only Jay Leno.
Ask me anything.
Narrator: Then, after all the punch lines have landed, only four of these comics will remain in the running for $250,000, an nbc development deal for their own show, and the coveted title of Last Comic Standing.
The title round starts right now.
Male announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for a host that is so sharp, he swims in a three-piece suit, J.
B.
Smoove! Yeah! [Cheers and applause.]
What's up? [Shrieks.]
Welcome to Last Comic Standing, and welcome to the last phase of the competition, the title round.
Now, since this is the home stretch, we wanted our comics to be ready for the title battle, so we surprised them with a serious heavy hitter to help mentor them, the one and only Jay Leno.
[Cheers and applause.]
And right now, let's introduce y'all to the best panel of judges.
My man Russell Peters righther Thank you.
Thank you.
Give it up for Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Yeah.
Queen Roseanne in the middle right there.
Yeah, Roseanne! All right, let's get this show started.
The first comic performing tonight is Joe Machi.
Check out Joe in Vegas with Jay Leno.
- Hello.
- Nikki Carr, good to meet you.
Hi, Nikki, how are you? - Joe, nice to meet you.
- Hi, guys.
I'll try to use this experience as a way to get myself in the door for a long-term, successful career.
I mean, you want to be one of the greats.
Did you have a question? I noticed on the tonight show, you're one of the few comedians that actually did jokes about the President - Mm-hmm.
- And that gained a lot - of controversy.
- Right.
But do you think that that hurts or helps you to try to be a little more adversarial? You know, I have some standard rules.
Never put your philosophy ahead of the joke.
I remember we had a comedian on the tonight show once, and he walked down, he said, "you know, I'm a democrat, and I want" I said to him, "you know, right away, you've lost half the audience.
- Mm-hmm.
- But a lot of people do that.
They want to get what they wanna say in front of the joke.
" - Joke always comes first.
- Okay.
Does it bother you, though, when it goes bad or when people don't laugh or You know, it's not a lot of times, it's not your fault.
A lot of times it's the audience.
When I started, I used to work jazz clubs.
Jazz clubs, people listen.
So when the comedian gets up at a jazz club, shh, shh.
I had never had that happen.
The first time I was ever onstage, please welcome Jay Leno, I hear a guy go, "we hate him!" And I go, "I've never been anywhere.
How can he hate me? He see did he see me in the parking lot?" It's neat to meet Jay Leno.
You don't get to do that every day.
[Muttering.]
Here he is now, my man, Joe Machi! Hey, gang.
- Whoo! - Yeah! Why do daredevils wear flashy jumpsuits? I'm like, "hey, man, you're jumping over buses on fire.
You have my attention.
" Gang, I love karaoke because that allows me to, in one small way, realize my dream of booing amateur singers.
People say Facebook needs a dislike button, and I agree.
The Internet needs ways to criticize people.
The only time I ever got fired was from my telemarketing job, and getting fired from a telemarketing job is a lot like getting fired from a job as a CEO, because in each instance, it's the best day of your life.
Like when a CEO gets fired, he gets paid millions of dollars, and when a telemarketer gets fired, you don't have to be a telemarketer anymore.
Gang, I think the song imagine by John Lennon is a song about how terrible John Lennon's imagination was.
Instead of coming up with Lord of the Rings or Batman, all he imagined was religious intolerance.
I think a goldfish is a great pet if your goal is to teach children about death.
Team, I went to go see a motivational speaker, and during the question and answer session, I asked him, "how does a person give up on their dreams and become a motivational speaker?" Gang, whenever a woman is beaten up by a man, people are really upset, but whenever a man beats up another man, no one cares.
And I think that's because we assume that men are generally stronger than women.
I just want to make the point that men are also generally stronger than me.
Thank you, guys.
I'm Joe Machi.
Joe Machi! Joe has this ability to get me right from the get-go with, "hey, gang.
" That literally had me right away, and then when you called them "team.
" - That was good.
- "Hey, team.
" [Laughs.]
Yeah, I'm still laughing at the stuff you say, Joe.
- Thank you.
- Good job versus a crappy job and the payoff being equal, - that's amazing.
- Thank you.
I love the way you write jokes, and I'm always impressed when I see you show up with another set after another set after another set.
So congratulations, buddy.
I appreciate that.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you.
You did a great job.
You're first.
That's the hardest one.
You know, unique.
Great writer.
We're kind of, like, sitting on the edge of our seat to hear how you're gonna construct and deliver another one of your great jokes.
I really enjoyed it, Joe.
- You did great.
- Thank you, Roseanne.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Funniest part of the whole set for me was seeing you come out to smoke and I know.
And then doing your run to the middle of the stage.
That was priceless.
You always come out, and you always deliver something fresh and something new.
And like Russell and Roseanne, I enjoyed your set tonight.
And I look forward to seeing, if and why do you come back, what you do next.
Okay, thank you very much.
I appreciate it, y'all.
Thank you, everybody.
Let's hear it one more time for Joe Machi.
That run just gets me.
We are just getting started, y'all.
Come on back to Last Comic Standing.
It's a good construction of going left when you think he's gonna go right, you know.
Yeah, you know, the John Lennon thing was just really smart.
I tell you what was funny is, he's getting more comfortable, and I think it works against him.
- I like him more when he's - Yeah, that might be true.
I like the nervous energy with him.
- Yeah, when he's a wreck.
- That might be true, yeah.
I think he's funnier, you know.
- Yeah.
- Tonight he had a little charm behind him, and I was like, "oh" Yeah, I think you're right.
You feel like saying "slow down, hammer"? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wanted to go, "boo!" Just to throw him off, you know? You're right, yeah.
Narrator: Coming up, Rod man issues a travel advisory.
The real terrorists on planes to me is babies.
Narrator: And then, Keenen likes what he sees.
If you could have a perfect set, that was yours tonight.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Tonight, we are watching the final five fight to the death to stay in the running for the title.
The next comic performing tonight is Rod Man.
I hope to pick Mr.
Leno's Jay's brain.
About, you know, just a plethora of knowledge.
That's what I'm trying to find out: "What do you know, Jay, and how can I get some of it? Yeah.
When is a joke old, like, no longer I can no longer do this bit anymore? Well, when it doesn't get a laugh anymore is kind of the way to You know, the interesting thing is when I do the tonight show, I do different jokes in the same place every night.
And then when you go on the road, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.
And the fun thing about doing the monologue was you might be the first person out there with a joke about whatever was in the news.
But then after the show's over, I go, "you know, I could've done it better this way.
" So when I'm on the road as a comic, I can try the joke out on Monday, do it a different way Tuesday, Polish it Wednesday, and by the time the weekend comes, oh, I've got a nice little gem.
But then, you know, you do it for years and years.
And then after a while, you begin to hate it.
And then you get mad at the audience for laughing at it because it's so stupid.
I mean, no, but I see guys do that.
I see guys do that.
Right.
Judge your act by how happy you are, not by how happy everybody else is.
The session with Jay was very engaging.
My takeaway is do your best material.
It's all good.
Worst gig ever.
I did the playboy club in New York, and I walk out on the stage, doing my act for the people.
Nothing.
I come offstage, right? And the room director goes, "hey, Leno, come here.
" He said, "you suck.
I'm giving you an 'F' for this show.
" I said, "I don't know what happened.
" He goes, "well, these people are all from Portugal.
" "From Portugal?" "So you do things in a Portuguese way.
" Like, I don't know how to do things in a Portuguese way.
So there's a lot of bad gigs out there.
Give it up for Rod Man! [Cheers and applause.]
What's up? Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
The real the real terrorists on planes to me is babies.
That's who I have problems with immediately.
I was on the plane with a little white baby, and I never played with a little white baby.
I never have in my life.
She was so aggressive with her hands, just kept rubbing my face and rubbing my face.
And I was like, "hey, little white baby," 'cause I didn't know her name.
That's all I had to go on at that particular moment.
So I was like, maybe I'll play pat-a-cake with her, you know.
And I was like, "hey," you know, every baby like pat-a-cake.
So I was like, "pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, Baker man, Baker man.
" And she looked at me, and she was like, "my hitter, my hitter.
" And I was like, "whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
" Yeah.
I was like yeah, that's how I was like, I don't I don't think that's in the song right there, baby.
I don't think that's in the song.
That must be the remix right there, but I like that.
Good job, little white baby.
High five for you.
'Cause she was a cute little white baby, and we treat I say that 'cause we treat cute babies different than we do babies that going through changes.
I don't want to say Yeah, 'cause I don't want to call nobody's baby ugly.
That's wrong, but some babies are going through changes.
'Cause you have to do research when you have a baby, 'cause my sister, she had a little boy, and it did not go well at all.
Yeah, 'cause he my nephew, and I love him, you know, and he was born seven months out of the nine.
He came out two months early.
And I told her, I said, "well, maybe nee some more time "or something 'cause he is not ready to be out every day.
I know that.
" Yeah, so, you know Yeah, 'cause he just be out.
And she's taking a lot of pictures.
She love to take pictures.
That's her thing, and I told her.
I said, "I don't really think he's in demand like that," you know, just to be having Yeah, 'cause don't nobody ask for pictures of him or nothing, but and she don't take digital cameras, you know, where you can erase those pictures and start back over, you know? No, she sets appointments and go have photo shoots.
And I said, "no, that is way too many portraits right there," 'cause you go over her house, she'll try to give me a big one.
Every time I go over to her house, she be like, "I got a big one for you.
" And I was like, "I don't I don't really want a big one," you know, 'cause they, you know, he he's not a living-room baby at all.
I know that.
He's not a living-room baby.
Yeah.
I take a I take a key chain or a wallet or something like that.
Yeah, 'cause I can decide if I want to show you if I got a key chain or a wallet.
He just 'Cause we I get a big one, I got to put him on display, and, you know, you got to get a frame and everything.
And then people come in, they be like, "hey, whose baby is that?" And you be like, "hey, that came with the frame right there.
"I don't know whose baby that is, but that is yeah, they are not screening the babies.
" Hey, I been Rod man, man.
I appreciate y'all, man.
Thank y'all, thank y'all.
At was Rod Man! Thank you.
Judges.
Oh, Judges, yeah.
He keeps coming.
[Chuckles.]
There you go.
Hey, I like that black.
I like that black.
I like that.
You know, nobody is like you.
I've never seen it.
Nobody has your delivery.
Nobody can get away with the stuff you say.
- And, um, it's just hilarious.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, you're just getting stronger and better, - and it was a great set.
- I appreciate it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Nobody could get laughs making fun of ugly babies except you, - I think.
- I don't call 'em ugly.
I say "they going through changes.
" That's all it is.
Oh, yeah, I mean, "going through changes.
" - They going through changes.
- That's all it is.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay.
Rod man, great set, brother.
Very, very funny.
As a father of five [Laughter.]
I've seen mine go through changes, so I can relate.
See? Your own babies.
Your own babies going through changes.
But if you could have a perfect set, that was yours tonight.
Your your material was great.
It was interesting watching you because you did something very smart.
I didn't know if you had another bit after the last bit, but you knew the last bit did was big enough.
And you said, "good night" and that's how you do it.
Thank you, sir.
Appreciate it, yeah.
Deuces.
What can I say, Rod man, that you didn't say? You did a whole set on an ugly baby and never And you never once made us feel like, "oh, this is bad.
" And that would Which means we all share the same sentiment as you.
- Great set, man.
- Thank you, sir.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Make some noise for Rod Man.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Shrieks.]
Come on back for some more Last Comic Standing, baby.
He picks one the subject - Right.
- Yeah.
And stays That's his five minutes.
And he doesn't bash you over the head with it.
- No.
- Mm-mm.
No, he keeps finding the levels in it.
- It's good.
- Yeah.
He's so ingratiating because he acts like, you know, - it's all an aside - He actually but it just draws you in, and you're like, what He gives you the feeling like he doesn't feel like he should be there, but I'm just gonna tell you this real quick before I go.
Yeah, just really funny stuff.
Narrator: Coming up, it's our favorite veteran.
I was in school forever.
I was the only kid in eighth grade that was over in 'nam.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Right now, it's time to check in again on Jay and the comics.
I've seen Jay, like, in clubs coming up, and, man, that guy's a technician.
I respect him a real lot, and I like him.
I'm a big fan of his, you know.
We're gonna be working this theater.
Sometimes when you're working a club, you kind of got to bang it out because it's smaller and intimate, and in theaters, they let you go a little slower, and you can pace it.
Well, we're in a theater tomorrow, but we're on television, so you kind of got to I would forget you're on television.
It doesn't really make any difference.
You know, I always say, if you think you're going too slow, slow down.
- Oh.
- You know? Roseanne was saying She got on a couple people about coming out and telling the audience, "hey, how you doing?" She goes, "I hate that.
" - Yeah, I hate that.
- Really? They're there to see a show, not "how y'all doing?" "We're doing fine, thank you.
Thank you.
We bought a ticket.
We'd like to be entertained.
" "Y'all doing good?" "Yeah, we're fine.
" "What do you want to talk about?" "No, what do you want to talk about?" - Any questions? - "Yeah, don't ask me "what I want to talk about.
You pay me then.
" Yeah, yeah.
But that's me.
My session with Jay was really good.
Probably everything he said, like, he had a story behind.
I mean, he's been doing it forever, and he's a wealth of knowledge, you know.
My man, Rocky Laporte! [Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'll tell you about myself.
I grew up in a big Italian neighborhood.
I grew up in Rome.
And Then we moved to Chicago 'cause my dad got transferred to joliet federal penitentiary.
Yeah.
Yeah, everything you heard about Chicago's true.
My brother's a Chicago cop, and I don't want to say the police department's corrupt, but he just got promoted from patrolman to, uh, Don.
Yeah, yeah.
This guy, he's married, like, ten years, and he ain't got no kids, you know? And I'm like, "what are you doing, man?" He was like, "uh" He goes, "we're trying.
" I'm like, "give me a shot.
" Yeah.
So I got to do that tomorrow.
He goes, "we're just having one kid, and we're calling it Quits.
" I'm like, "that's a weird name for a kid.
" Folks, if you're gonna have kids, don't give them weird names 'cause then they do weird stuff.
You know that? Yeah, names are important.
You know, Hitler, if that guy's name was Chip, none of that stuff would've happened.
I think when people meet me, they think they're giving me a compliment.
They go, "that's your name, Rocky?" And I go, "yeah.
" And they go, "I got a dog named Rocky.
" Oh, my father gave me that name, and I had a typical Italian dad.
You know, like, every day before I used to go to school, he goes, "listen to me.
" He goes, "you don't rat on nobody.
" Yeah.
He goes, "you don't know nothing.
" He goes, "you don't see nothing, and you didn't do nothing.
" So we're in history class, and the nun comes over there.
And she's like, "Rock, I want you to tell me who killed President Kennedy I go, "I didn't do it.
" She goes, "I know you didn't do it.
Tell me who did.
" I go, "I didn't see nothing.
" Yeah.
So she calls my father up to school.
She goes, "I asked this kid who killed Kennedy.
He told me he didn't do it.
" My old man goes, "hey, if the kid said he didn't do it, he didn't do it.
" Thank you.
I hated I was in school forever.
I was the only kid in eighth grade that was over in 'nam.
Heh.
My kid the other day goes He was asking what an adverb is.
I'm like, "that's when you get a verb, and then you add another one.
" I know.
Say, uh say you get a verb like, uh, "cat.
" And Then you get another one like "lack.
" You put it together.
Freaking Cadillac.
Heh.
Thank you very much.
Rocky Laporte! I'm a big Rocky fan Rocky Laporte fan, that is.
And, you know, I can watch him do anything, and I laugh.
And I laugh at the dumbest things, which are To me, are the funniest things.
You know, "calling it Quits" is hilarious to me still.
Great set, man.
Oh, thank you, Russell, I appreciate that.
I think you did great.
Your jokes are so hilarious, and I feel like you really wanted it more, you know, and you really put yourself into it more.
So I was happy to see you got rid of your nerves or whatever it was, and, you know, you were lovable, and your writing is fantastic.
You had a great show.
Oh, thank you, that means a lot.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, rock.
It's interesting 'cause, like, you came out.
You started a little slow, and I think the audience didn't believe you at first.
And it was great that you just sort of stayed in your rhythm, stayed with who you were, and as they started to believe, "oh, yeah, this is really who it is," then everything just got funnier and funnier and funnier.
And I thought it was great.
Like Roseanne said, you stayed in it, and you brought it home.
Good job.
Thank you very much.
Big hand for Rocky Laporte! [Cheers and applause.]
We've got a whole lot more stand-up when we come back.
Last Comic Standing, baby, we're here.
Like I said, you start to believe him.
I think he baits you into thinking he's dumb - with smart jokes - Yes, exactly.
- Which is a great way to go.
- Right, exactly.
Exactly.
He did start slow, though.
Well, no, you know what it was? His opening joke - didn't get the reaction.
- Yeah.
I grew up in an Italian neighborhood.
- Rome.
Rome wasn't - I couldn't understand him.
Yeah, it wasn't that clear.
But it just wasn't a strong joke.
Yeah, it wasn't a strong opener.
- Yeah.
- And it just took him a minute to build, but to his credit, he saved it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he did.
Narrator: Coming up, straight talk from Nikki Carr.
I wanted to be a trophy wife.
[Laughter.]
Is it my fault nobody wanted a heisman? Narrator: And later, it's judgment time.
Who stays and who goes, just like that.
Welcome back, y'all.
Give it up for our next comic, Nikki Carr.
[Cheers and applause.]
We have the top five.
I'm enjoying the experience, the mentor, the judges.
I'm so happy to be here.
And what kind of advice do you have for me as a stand-up comedian? Advice? What I do is, if I have anything in my life An argument, a fight Even if I'm right, I apologize.
- Mm.
- It's my fault.
I'm sorry.
So I go on the stage with a clear head.
You ever see these guys do the divorce? "So anyway, my ex-wife!" Whoa, whoa, whoa, take it easy.
Take it you know, you see that anger, and it's not funny.
They're really mad.
Whoa, whoa, calm down.
So to me, if I got something, if I'm fighting with Rocky before that, I go, "look, hey, man, I'm sorry.
Let's shake hands.
Okay, it's cool.
" Because really, my act and being on the stage is the most important thing.
The stupid fight with landlord, wife, hus Whatever it might be, just get it out of your head.
'Cause you're gonna forget You're gonna forget your act because that's gonna come to the front.
The session with Jay, just hearing his experiences and his wisdom was awesome.
Put your hands together for Nikki Carr! [Cheers and applause.]
Yes, yes, thank you so much.
Listen here, I just want to tell you something.
I never wanted to be no lesbian.
I didn't! I didn't have a choice.
I wanted to be a trophy wife.
[Laughter.]
Is it my fault nobody wanted a heisman? I tried to do the things that the other sexy girls did.
I see them wearing tight, tight jeans.
So I went out and got me some tight jeans.
They didn't work for me like they worked for them.
Oh, no, held me in nice and tight down on the bottom but pushed all my fat up, up top.
Now I'm walking around the club looking all strong and stuff.
People saying all kind of ridiculous things to me.
"Excuse me? "A problem in the ladies room? I don't care.
I don't work here.
Get away from me.
" All the cute girls had cute boyfriends and stuff.
I never had a good-looking boyfriend ever.
They were all ugly.
I dated so many ugly guys that if they ever put me in a scary movie, the monster would be my man.
I know it.
Picture it.
Sir Keenen, picture it.
Movie firsme* on, I'm running through the woods with my friends.
[Screams.]
[Fading scream.]
Jason? I would be like, "oh, my God, how you doing?" I tell my friends, "y'all stop running.
"I know him.
"That is J-Boogie.
He ain't gonna kill nobody.
" And when you date an ugly man, you got to make him feel confident.
Fast-forward to the love scene.
I'm in the bed waiting for Jason.
He walking toward me.
I stop him right in his tracks.
"Uh-uh, no.
Take off that mask.
Are we gonna make love or play hockey?" That would make him feel so good, wouldn't it? The next scene have to be the wedding scene.
All my ex-boyfriends would be there talking junk.
Dracula.
[Imitating dracula.]
"I had big dreams for you.
" Freddy Krueger.
[Raspy voice.]
"I had big dreams for you, bitch.
" I don't want to hear none of this.
I'm married to Jason Voorhees.
I'm a comedian.
He gonna come to all my shows.
You gonna hear him cheering me on all night long.
"Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.
" I've been Nikki Carr.
Thank you so much.
That was Nikki Carr.
[Cheers and applause.]
I think you're great.
I really do.
I love you.
- Thank you.
I love you too.
- You know I love you.
I know you love me too.
You do something that nobody else does either.
I've never seen anything like you.
The heart you got is so big, - and you just, like, bring it.
- Thank you.
And you had a great set.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Nikki, I didn't know where you were gonna go tonight, and you went to places I'd never seen before.
And the way you dismantled Jason and And, you know, a lot of comics would've just named off who their ex-boyfriends were, but not only did you name them off, you you You did an impression of 'em, which made me laugh.
So you get two laughs out of the one joke, which I like.
- You killed the whole set.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, you definitely have something special about you.
You you come out, and right away, you shine.
I think the audience immediately embraces you and wants to hear your story, and your story is always very funny and always very vulnerable and honest.
And I just loved it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
Thank you.
Let's hear it for Nikki Carr! [Cheers and applause.]
When we return, we have our final performance of the night.
You know, her material is, "this is me," - and I love it.
- Both: Yeah.
I love it, and she's such wonderful presence.
- Yeah.
- Like, she's a neighbor.
- Yeah.
- You put her on any sitcom - right now - Right.
And she's gonna steal it every time she walks in.
That's right.
Narrator: Lachlan shows us his romantic side.
I got a wedding invitation in the mail.
Those are the worst.
Ugh.
That's not an invitation.
That's a subpoena, just so you know.
Welcome back, y'all.
We're about to see our last comic of the night, Lachlan Patterson.
Check him out.
I'm really excited that I have another opportunity to work with all these great comedians.
Still get nervous? No, I never really got nervous.
The only time I ever got nervous was the first time I did the White House correspondence dinner.
It's President Reagan That shows you how old I am And I'm waiting to go on.
This general goes, "hey, you the comedian? "This is the President of the United States, okay? "You don't make fun of him.
You don't do jokes about He is the commander in chief.
" And then I see George Shultz, who was the secretary of state.
He goes, "Leno, come here.
"Nail Ronnie.
Just hammer him.
" So I'm like I don't know what to do.
- So what did you do? - Oh, that's funny.
My opening joke was, "I want to congratulate Nancy Reagan "for winning the humanitarian of the year award.
"I'm glad she beat out that conniving little bitch, mother Teresa.
" That got a big laugh, and I went And I saw Reagan go [Exaggerated laugh.]
And I went, oh, okay.
- Whew, I'm in.
So - Oh, that's great.
Just the experience of listening to Jay Leno talk about stand-up comedy is pretty cool.
Lachlan Patterson.
Oh.
What's up, guys? [Cheers and applause.]
I, uh shh.
I live in Venice, California, and starting to get a little suspicious of the people in my neighborhood.
A little suspicious.
There's a homeless guy that urinates on my apartment every morning, and he's got a He's got a cat.
And I went up to him the other day, and I said, "hey, man, where'd you find that cat?" And he goes, "I rescued it.
" No, you didn't, actually.
I'm afraid that cat still needs to be rescued one more time.
I don't trust my mailman.
Saw my mailman deliver the mail at 9:30 at night with a little head flashlight on.
Just opened my door, "hey, man, you can just come by tomorrow.
"It's cool.
It's fine.
" I got a letter from the U.
S.
postal service saying, "we're making improvements.
" Well, obviously not, or you would've emailed that letter to me, okay? That's weird.
That's weird, all right, little bit.
I got a wedding invitation in the mail.
Those are the worst.
Ugh.
That's not an invitation.
That's a subpoena, just so you know.
Okay? Shouldn't that one be delivered by a sheriff? Why do they make the date so far away on the invitation? Relax.
You're not the Olympics, okay? No one needs that long to prepare for your party.
I figured out why they do it.
It's so you can't come up with an excuse.
It's right outside the comfortable excuse window, right? You can't be like, "ah, damn it.
Are you serious? Oh.
May 12, 2015? Son of a dickens.
Aw, man.
That's a Sunday, isn't it? Oh.
Really wish you had asked me two winters ago.
I oh, man.
I got a I got a zumba class that day.
I don't I don't Ugh.
Yeah.
I don't know if I" They ask you what you want to eat on the invitation.
How the hell do I know what I want to eat a year from now? Does any "Hey, honey, March 5, 2015, what are you thinking? Chicken or fish? What are you They need to know now.
They're gonna start raising the chickens, I think.
I don't I don't really I don't get it.
" And at the bottom, they tell you where to get the gift.
The balls.
"Oh, just so you know, we're registered at crate & barrel.
" "Oh, really? That's too bad 'cause I already picked you something up at my house.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
" "I rescued you a cat, so" Thank you, guys.
[Cheers and applause.]
Lachlan Patterson! Good set.
Comfortable in your skin.
Took your time, had some really funny material.
I enjoyed you.
Good job.
Thanks, man.
Appreciate it.
Thanks, man.
I like the way you built it.
You know, it had that steady build to it, you know.
You started off with a walk to a fast walk to a sprint to a jog.
You know, you had it You got it moving, and then you tied everything back with the homeless cat callback.
And "son of a dickens" still makes me laugh for some reason.
Son of a dickens.
It's something no human ever says.
Good set.
Thanks, bro.
I think you did great.
I like how you built your set.
I liked your callbacks, love your writing.
It's very unique, and I like how you're amping up the snark.
- I really, really like that.
- Little bit.
Okay, I'll keep doing that.
You could go you could even do more, actually.
- Really? - I think you know, if and when you come back, I just love I can't get enough of it.
I'd like to see it even meaner.
Yeah.
Let's hear it one more time for Lachlan Patterson! [Cheers and applause.]
When we come back, the all-important results.
Who stays, and who goes? Just like that.
Now is you know, now is a tough decision It's gonna be real tough.
Because we had five people who came out I think it's between two people.
I know which one.
I think it could be between three people, though.
Who is the third? Narrator: Coming up, our five hilarious finalists have done their job.
Now it's time for the judges to do theirs.
Four of you will be moving on.
The other one, it all ends tonight.
Welcome back to last comic standing: The title round.
Tonight, we watched the final five comics Lachlan, Rocky, Rod man, Nikki, and Joe Do their thing.
Before we get to the results, let's hear from our judges.
Can you give us some final thoughts? The sets tonight really were the deciding factor, and as far as everyone on that stage is concerned, all of you are headed toward stardom, and it's been my privilege to watch you all start and grow and get to these finals.
And I congratulate all of you.
[Cheers and applause.]
All right, now.
Brace yourselves.
Remember what's at stake, $250,000, an NBC development deal for your own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
Four of you will be moving on.
The other one, well, it all ends tonight.
The first comic moving on is Rod man.
It feels wonderful to be in the final four.
This is what we signed up for.
This is where you wanna be.
So that's my goal, to be the funniest and the Last Comic Standing at the end, at the end.
The next comic grabbing a spot, Joe Machi.
Being here now in the final four, yeah, I can taste that development deal, and it tastes good.
I think I've been the underdog for quite some time.
Sometimes, long shots pay off big.
The third comic moving on, Nikki Carr.
I do want to win.
I really you know what? I need to win.
I have to win.
I have to.
I have no choice now.
I've come this far.
The last comic moving on tonight will be Lachlan Patterson! I'm gonna do everything I can to win this thing.
There's still a long way to go, but I'm closer.
I'm just a little closer.
Unfortunately, we got to say good-bye to a very, very talented comedian, Rocky Laporte, right here.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You can catch Rocky on the Last Comic Standing tour.
[Cheers and applause.]
Let's hear it one more time for Rocky Laporte, y'all! All the comics, I love 'em all.
They're all good people, and I'm happy for 'em that they moved on.
Just from the experience being on Last Comic Standing, I got, like, a lot more fans and some really great fans and a lot of followers.
It helped my career a lot.
Thanks to our one and only Jay Leno, the one and only Jay Leno, y'all, for helping us out.
[Cheers and applause.]
And to the hardest-working judges in television, Russell Peters, Keenen Ivory Wayans, and in the middle, Roseanne.
I'm your host J.
B.
Smoove saying good night.
Last Comic Standing is in the building! Narrator: Next week, we're just two performances away from the title.
I'm ready to step into the great unknown.
Narrator: There's electricity in the air I'm getting goose bumps.
Narrator: When the final four fight for laughs Come on, guys.
You've seen my ass.
- Narrator: And survival - You killed it.
Narrator: As they try to earn a spot in the season finale.
Who will make the cut? Which three will get the chance to perform for the title? You'll have to tune in to find out.
Hey, J.
B.
- What's up, Russell? - I'm good, buddy.
- Have a great show tonight, man.
- Oh, thanks, man.
- Yeah.
- That coffee smells good.
- Oh, it's good.
- Mm.
Wait, whoa, whoa.
- Where you going? - Get some coffee.
It's judges only.
What do you mean "judges only"? What kind of Jim crow stuff is that? That's racist.
Exclusive maybe.
It's not racist.
I'ma tell you what.
I'ma go in that room, and I'ma get me some coffee.
Oh, well, you Good luck.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey.
What do you think you're doing? It's Judge Milian from the people's court.
Yeah, I know who I am, but who do you think you are? "Judges' lounge.
" Judges only.
I'm the host.
I want some coffee.
- Are you a judge? - No.
Okay, well, then you're not walking in there.
- Hi, Marilyn.
- Hey, Roseanne.
- How you doing? - Good.
- Hey, is Judy in there? - She sure is.
She's in there playing gin with Simon and Sotomayor.
Hey.
Hey, Roseanne.
Can I be your plus one? I just want some coffee.
J.
B.
, you're the last person on Earth that needs any coffee.
Go get the show started.
Is there decaf in there? Hot cocoa? Male narrator: Tonight, as we begin the title round, it's the first of our final three performance shows.
Joe Machi, Rocky Laporte, Lachlan Patterson, Rod Man, and Nikki Carr will try to move closer to the title of Last Comic Standing.
With everything at stake, the pressure has never been greater.
Luckily, they'll get some professional help.
Surprise! Narrator: From the comedy mentor of a lifetime I want you to be mentored by the best.
[All exclaim.]
Narrator: The one and only Jay Leno.
Ask me anything.
Narrator: Then, after all the punch lines have landed, only four of these comics will remain in the running for $250,000, an nbc development deal for their own show, and the coveted title of Last Comic Standing.
The title round starts right now.
Male announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for a host that is so sharp, he swims in a three-piece suit, J.
B.
Smoove! Yeah! [Cheers and applause.]
What's up? [Shrieks.]
Welcome to Last Comic Standing, and welcome to the last phase of the competition, the title round.
Now, since this is the home stretch, we wanted our comics to be ready for the title battle, so we surprised them with a serious heavy hitter to help mentor them, the one and only Jay Leno.
[Cheers and applause.]
And right now, let's introduce y'all to the best panel of judges.
My man Russell Peters righther Thank you.
Thank you.
Give it up for Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Yeah.
Queen Roseanne in the middle right there.
Yeah, Roseanne! All right, let's get this show started.
The first comic performing tonight is Joe Machi.
Check out Joe in Vegas with Jay Leno.
- Hello.
- Nikki Carr, good to meet you.
Hi, Nikki, how are you? - Joe, nice to meet you.
- Hi, guys.
I'll try to use this experience as a way to get myself in the door for a long-term, successful career.
I mean, you want to be one of the greats.
Did you have a question? I noticed on the tonight show, you're one of the few comedians that actually did jokes about the President - Mm-hmm.
- And that gained a lot - of controversy.
- Right.
But do you think that that hurts or helps you to try to be a little more adversarial? You know, I have some standard rules.
Never put your philosophy ahead of the joke.
I remember we had a comedian on the tonight show once, and he walked down, he said, "you know, I'm a democrat, and I want" I said to him, "you know, right away, you've lost half the audience.
- Mm-hmm.
- But a lot of people do that.
They want to get what they wanna say in front of the joke.
" - Joke always comes first.
- Okay.
Does it bother you, though, when it goes bad or when people don't laugh or You know, it's not a lot of times, it's not your fault.
A lot of times it's the audience.
When I started, I used to work jazz clubs.
Jazz clubs, people listen.
So when the comedian gets up at a jazz club, shh, shh.
I had never had that happen.
The first time I was ever onstage, please welcome Jay Leno, I hear a guy go, "we hate him!" And I go, "I've never been anywhere.
How can he hate me? He see did he see me in the parking lot?" It's neat to meet Jay Leno.
You don't get to do that every day.
[Muttering.]
Here he is now, my man, Joe Machi! Hey, gang.
- Whoo! - Yeah! Why do daredevils wear flashy jumpsuits? I'm like, "hey, man, you're jumping over buses on fire.
You have my attention.
" Gang, I love karaoke because that allows me to, in one small way, realize my dream of booing amateur singers.
People say Facebook needs a dislike button, and I agree.
The Internet needs ways to criticize people.
The only time I ever got fired was from my telemarketing job, and getting fired from a telemarketing job is a lot like getting fired from a job as a CEO, because in each instance, it's the best day of your life.
Like when a CEO gets fired, he gets paid millions of dollars, and when a telemarketer gets fired, you don't have to be a telemarketer anymore.
Gang, I think the song imagine by John Lennon is a song about how terrible John Lennon's imagination was.
Instead of coming up with Lord of the Rings or Batman, all he imagined was religious intolerance.
I think a goldfish is a great pet if your goal is to teach children about death.
Team, I went to go see a motivational speaker, and during the question and answer session, I asked him, "how does a person give up on their dreams and become a motivational speaker?" Gang, whenever a woman is beaten up by a man, people are really upset, but whenever a man beats up another man, no one cares.
And I think that's because we assume that men are generally stronger than women.
I just want to make the point that men are also generally stronger than me.
Thank you, guys.
I'm Joe Machi.
Joe Machi! Joe has this ability to get me right from the get-go with, "hey, gang.
" That literally had me right away, and then when you called them "team.
" - That was good.
- "Hey, team.
" [Laughs.]
Yeah, I'm still laughing at the stuff you say, Joe.
- Thank you.
- Good job versus a crappy job and the payoff being equal, - that's amazing.
- Thank you.
I love the way you write jokes, and I'm always impressed when I see you show up with another set after another set after another set.
So congratulations, buddy.
I appreciate that.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you.
You did a great job.
You're first.
That's the hardest one.
You know, unique.
Great writer.
We're kind of, like, sitting on the edge of our seat to hear how you're gonna construct and deliver another one of your great jokes.
I really enjoyed it, Joe.
- You did great.
- Thank you, Roseanne.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Funniest part of the whole set for me was seeing you come out to smoke and I know.
And then doing your run to the middle of the stage.
That was priceless.
You always come out, and you always deliver something fresh and something new.
And like Russell and Roseanne, I enjoyed your set tonight.
And I look forward to seeing, if and why do you come back, what you do next.
Okay, thank you very much.
I appreciate it, y'all.
Thank you, everybody.
Let's hear it one more time for Joe Machi.
That run just gets me.
We are just getting started, y'all.
Come on back to Last Comic Standing.
It's a good construction of going left when you think he's gonna go right, you know.
Yeah, you know, the John Lennon thing was just really smart.
I tell you what was funny is, he's getting more comfortable, and I think it works against him.
- I like him more when he's - Yeah, that might be true.
I like the nervous energy with him.
- Yeah, when he's a wreck.
- That might be true, yeah.
I think he's funnier, you know.
- Yeah.
- Tonight he had a little charm behind him, and I was like, "oh" Yeah, I think you're right.
You feel like saying "slow down, hammer"? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wanted to go, "boo!" Just to throw him off, you know? You're right, yeah.
Narrator: Coming up, Rod man issues a travel advisory.
The real terrorists on planes to me is babies.
Narrator: And then, Keenen likes what he sees.
If you could have a perfect set, that was yours tonight.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Tonight, we are watching the final five fight to the death to stay in the running for the title.
The next comic performing tonight is Rod Man.
I hope to pick Mr.
Leno's Jay's brain.
About, you know, just a plethora of knowledge.
That's what I'm trying to find out: "What do you know, Jay, and how can I get some of it? Yeah.
When is a joke old, like, no longer I can no longer do this bit anymore? Well, when it doesn't get a laugh anymore is kind of the way to You know, the interesting thing is when I do the tonight show, I do different jokes in the same place every night.
And then when you go on the road, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.
And the fun thing about doing the monologue was you might be the first person out there with a joke about whatever was in the news.
But then after the show's over, I go, "you know, I could've done it better this way.
" So when I'm on the road as a comic, I can try the joke out on Monday, do it a different way Tuesday, Polish it Wednesday, and by the time the weekend comes, oh, I've got a nice little gem.
But then, you know, you do it for years and years.
And then after a while, you begin to hate it.
And then you get mad at the audience for laughing at it because it's so stupid.
I mean, no, but I see guys do that.
I see guys do that.
Right.
Judge your act by how happy you are, not by how happy everybody else is.
The session with Jay was very engaging.
My takeaway is do your best material.
It's all good.
Worst gig ever.
I did the playboy club in New York, and I walk out on the stage, doing my act for the people.
Nothing.
I come offstage, right? And the room director goes, "hey, Leno, come here.
" He said, "you suck.
I'm giving you an 'F' for this show.
" I said, "I don't know what happened.
" He goes, "well, these people are all from Portugal.
" "From Portugal?" "So you do things in a Portuguese way.
" Like, I don't know how to do things in a Portuguese way.
So there's a lot of bad gigs out there.
Give it up for Rod Man! [Cheers and applause.]
What's up? Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
The real the real terrorists on planes to me is babies.
That's who I have problems with immediately.
I was on the plane with a little white baby, and I never played with a little white baby.
I never have in my life.
She was so aggressive with her hands, just kept rubbing my face and rubbing my face.
And I was like, "hey, little white baby," 'cause I didn't know her name.
That's all I had to go on at that particular moment.
So I was like, maybe I'll play pat-a-cake with her, you know.
And I was like, "hey," you know, every baby like pat-a-cake.
So I was like, "pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, Baker man, Baker man.
" And she looked at me, and she was like, "my hitter, my hitter.
" And I was like, "whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
" Yeah.
I was like yeah, that's how I was like, I don't I don't think that's in the song right there, baby.
I don't think that's in the song.
That must be the remix right there, but I like that.
Good job, little white baby.
High five for you.
'Cause she was a cute little white baby, and we treat I say that 'cause we treat cute babies different than we do babies that going through changes.
I don't want to say Yeah, 'cause I don't want to call nobody's baby ugly.
That's wrong, but some babies are going through changes.
'Cause you have to do research when you have a baby, 'cause my sister, she had a little boy, and it did not go well at all.
Yeah, 'cause he my nephew, and I love him, you know, and he was born seven months out of the nine.
He came out two months early.
And I told her, I said, "well, maybe nee some more time "or something 'cause he is not ready to be out every day.
I know that.
" Yeah, so, you know Yeah, 'cause he just be out.
And she's taking a lot of pictures.
She love to take pictures.
That's her thing, and I told her.
I said, "I don't really think he's in demand like that," you know, just to be having Yeah, 'cause don't nobody ask for pictures of him or nothing, but and she don't take digital cameras, you know, where you can erase those pictures and start back over, you know? No, she sets appointments and go have photo shoots.
And I said, "no, that is way too many portraits right there," 'cause you go over her house, she'll try to give me a big one.
Every time I go over to her house, she be like, "I got a big one for you.
" And I was like, "I don't I don't really want a big one," you know, 'cause they, you know, he he's not a living-room baby at all.
I know that.
He's not a living-room baby.
Yeah.
I take a I take a key chain or a wallet or something like that.
Yeah, 'cause I can decide if I want to show you if I got a key chain or a wallet.
He just 'Cause we I get a big one, I got to put him on display, and, you know, you got to get a frame and everything.
And then people come in, they be like, "hey, whose baby is that?" And you be like, "hey, that came with the frame right there.
"I don't know whose baby that is, but that is yeah, they are not screening the babies.
" Hey, I been Rod man, man.
I appreciate y'all, man.
Thank y'all, thank y'all.
At was Rod Man! Thank you.
Judges.
Oh, Judges, yeah.
He keeps coming.
[Chuckles.]
There you go.
Hey, I like that black.
I like that black.
I like that.
You know, nobody is like you.
I've never seen it.
Nobody has your delivery.
Nobody can get away with the stuff you say.
- And, um, it's just hilarious.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, you're just getting stronger and better, - and it was a great set.
- I appreciate it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Nobody could get laughs making fun of ugly babies except you, - I think.
- I don't call 'em ugly.
I say "they going through changes.
" That's all it is.
Oh, yeah, I mean, "going through changes.
" - They going through changes.
- That's all it is.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay.
Rod man, great set, brother.
Very, very funny.
As a father of five [Laughter.]
I've seen mine go through changes, so I can relate.
See? Your own babies.
Your own babies going through changes.
But if you could have a perfect set, that was yours tonight.
Your your material was great.
It was interesting watching you because you did something very smart.
I didn't know if you had another bit after the last bit, but you knew the last bit did was big enough.
And you said, "good night" and that's how you do it.
Thank you, sir.
Appreciate it, yeah.
Deuces.
What can I say, Rod man, that you didn't say? You did a whole set on an ugly baby and never And you never once made us feel like, "oh, this is bad.
" And that would Which means we all share the same sentiment as you.
- Great set, man.
- Thank you, sir.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Make some noise for Rod Man.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Shrieks.]
Come on back for some more Last Comic Standing, baby.
He picks one the subject - Right.
- Yeah.
And stays That's his five minutes.
And he doesn't bash you over the head with it.
- No.
- Mm-mm.
No, he keeps finding the levels in it.
- It's good.
- Yeah.
He's so ingratiating because he acts like, you know, - it's all an aside - He actually but it just draws you in, and you're like, what He gives you the feeling like he doesn't feel like he should be there, but I'm just gonna tell you this real quick before I go.
Yeah, just really funny stuff.
Narrator: Coming up, it's our favorite veteran.
I was in school forever.
I was the only kid in eighth grade that was over in 'nam.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Right now, it's time to check in again on Jay and the comics.
I've seen Jay, like, in clubs coming up, and, man, that guy's a technician.
I respect him a real lot, and I like him.
I'm a big fan of his, you know.
We're gonna be working this theater.
Sometimes when you're working a club, you kind of got to bang it out because it's smaller and intimate, and in theaters, they let you go a little slower, and you can pace it.
Well, we're in a theater tomorrow, but we're on television, so you kind of got to I would forget you're on television.
It doesn't really make any difference.
You know, I always say, if you think you're going too slow, slow down.
- Oh.
- You know? Roseanne was saying She got on a couple people about coming out and telling the audience, "hey, how you doing?" She goes, "I hate that.
" - Yeah, I hate that.
- Really? They're there to see a show, not "how y'all doing?" "We're doing fine, thank you.
Thank you.
We bought a ticket.
We'd like to be entertained.
" "Y'all doing good?" "Yeah, we're fine.
" "What do you want to talk about?" "No, what do you want to talk about?" - Any questions? - "Yeah, don't ask me "what I want to talk about.
You pay me then.
" Yeah, yeah.
But that's me.
My session with Jay was really good.
Probably everything he said, like, he had a story behind.
I mean, he's been doing it forever, and he's a wealth of knowledge, you know.
My man, Rocky Laporte! [Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'll tell you about myself.
I grew up in a big Italian neighborhood.
I grew up in Rome.
And Then we moved to Chicago 'cause my dad got transferred to joliet federal penitentiary.
Yeah.
Yeah, everything you heard about Chicago's true.
My brother's a Chicago cop, and I don't want to say the police department's corrupt, but he just got promoted from patrolman to, uh, Don.
Yeah, yeah.
This guy, he's married, like, ten years, and he ain't got no kids, you know? And I'm like, "what are you doing, man?" He was like, "uh" He goes, "we're trying.
" I'm like, "give me a shot.
" Yeah.
So I got to do that tomorrow.
He goes, "we're just having one kid, and we're calling it Quits.
" I'm like, "that's a weird name for a kid.
" Folks, if you're gonna have kids, don't give them weird names 'cause then they do weird stuff.
You know that? Yeah, names are important.
You know, Hitler, if that guy's name was Chip, none of that stuff would've happened.
I think when people meet me, they think they're giving me a compliment.
They go, "that's your name, Rocky?" And I go, "yeah.
" And they go, "I got a dog named Rocky.
" Oh, my father gave me that name, and I had a typical Italian dad.
You know, like, every day before I used to go to school, he goes, "listen to me.
" He goes, "you don't rat on nobody.
" Yeah.
He goes, "you don't know nothing.
" He goes, "you don't see nothing, and you didn't do nothing.
" So we're in history class, and the nun comes over there.
And she's like, "Rock, I want you to tell me who killed President Kennedy I go, "I didn't do it.
" She goes, "I know you didn't do it.
Tell me who did.
" I go, "I didn't see nothing.
" Yeah.
So she calls my father up to school.
She goes, "I asked this kid who killed Kennedy.
He told me he didn't do it.
" My old man goes, "hey, if the kid said he didn't do it, he didn't do it.
" Thank you.
I hated I was in school forever.
I was the only kid in eighth grade that was over in 'nam.
Heh.
My kid the other day goes He was asking what an adverb is.
I'm like, "that's when you get a verb, and then you add another one.
" I know.
Say, uh say you get a verb like, uh, "cat.
" And Then you get another one like "lack.
" You put it together.
Freaking Cadillac.
Heh.
Thank you very much.
Rocky Laporte! I'm a big Rocky fan Rocky Laporte fan, that is.
And, you know, I can watch him do anything, and I laugh.
And I laugh at the dumbest things, which are To me, are the funniest things.
You know, "calling it Quits" is hilarious to me still.
Great set, man.
Oh, thank you, Russell, I appreciate that.
I think you did great.
Your jokes are so hilarious, and I feel like you really wanted it more, you know, and you really put yourself into it more.
So I was happy to see you got rid of your nerves or whatever it was, and, you know, you were lovable, and your writing is fantastic.
You had a great show.
Oh, thank you, that means a lot.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, rock.
It's interesting 'cause, like, you came out.
You started a little slow, and I think the audience didn't believe you at first.
And it was great that you just sort of stayed in your rhythm, stayed with who you were, and as they started to believe, "oh, yeah, this is really who it is," then everything just got funnier and funnier and funnier.
And I thought it was great.
Like Roseanne said, you stayed in it, and you brought it home.
Good job.
Thank you very much.
Big hand for Rocky Laporte! [Cheers and applause.]
We've got a whole lot more stand-up when we come back.
Last Comic Standing, baby, we're here.
Like I said, you start to believe him.
I think he baits you into thinking he's dumb - with smart jokes - Yes, exactly.
- Which is a great way to go.
- Right, exactly.
Exactly.
He did start slow, though.
Well, no, you know what it was? His opening joke - didn't get the reaction.
- Yeah.
I grew up in an Italian neighborhood.
- Rome.
Rome wasn't - I couldn't understand him.
Yeah, it wasn't that clear.
But it just wasn't a strong joke.
Yeah, it wasn't a strong opener.
- Yeah.
- And it just took him a minute to build, but to his credit, he saved it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he did.
Narrator: Coming up, straight talk from Nikki Carr.
I wanted to be a trophy wife.
[Laughter.]
Is it my fault nobody wanted a heisman? Narrator: And later, it's judgment time.
Who stays and who goes, just like that.
Welcome back, y'all.
Give it up for our next comic, Nikki Carr.
[Cheers and applause.]
We have the top five.
I'm enjoying the experience, the mentor, the judges.
I'm so happy to be here.
And what kind of advice do you have for me as a stand-up comedian? Advice? What I do is, if I have anything in my life An argument, a fight Even if I'm right, I apologize.
- Mm.
- It's my fault.
I'm sorry.
So I go on the stage with a clear head.
You ever see these guys do the divorce? "So anyway, my ex-wife!" Whoa, whoa, whoa, take it easy.
Take it you know, you see that anger, and it's not funny.
They're really mad.
Whoa, whoa, calm down.
So to me, if I got something, if I'm fighting with Rocky before that, I go, "look, hey, man, I'm sorry.
Let's shake hands.
Okay, it's cool.
" Because really, my act and being on the stage is the most important thing.
The stupid fight with landlord, wife, hus Whatever it might be, just get it out of your head.
'Cause you're gonna forget You're gonna forget your act because that's gonna come to the front.
The session with Jay, just hearing his experiences and his wisdom was awesome.
Put your hands together for Nikki Carr! [Cheers and applause.]
Yes, yes, thank you so much.
Listen here, I just want to tell you something.
I never wanted to be no lesbian.
I didn't! I didn't have a choice.
I wanted to be a trophy wife.
[Laughter.]
Is it my fault nobody wanted a heisman? I tried to do the things that the other sexy girls did.
I see them wearing tight, tight jeans.
So I went out and got me some tight jeans.
They didn't work for me like they worked for them.
Oh, no, held me in nice and tight down on the bottom but pushed all my fat up, up top.
Now I'm walking around the club looking all strong and stuff.
People saying all kind of ridiculous things to me.
"Excuse me? "A problem in the ladies room? I don't care.
I don't work here.
Get away from me.
" All the cute girls had cute boyfriends and stuff.
I never had a good-looking boyfriend ever.
They were all ugly.
I dated so many ugly guys that if they ever put me in a scary movie, the monster would be my man.
I know it.
Picture it.
Sir Keenen, picture it.
Movie firsme* on, I'm running through the woods with my friends.
[Screams.]
[Fading scream.]
Jason? I would be like, "oh, my God, how you doing?" I tell my friends, "y'all stop running.
"I know him.
"That is J-Boogie.
He ain't gonna kill nobody.
" And when you date an ugly man, you got to make him feel confident.
Fast-forward to the love scene.
I'm in the bed waiting for Jason.
He walking toward me.
I stop him right in his tracks.
"Uh-uh, no.
Take off that mask.
Are we gonna make love or play hockey?" That would make him feel so good, wouldn't it? The next scene have to be the wedding scene.
All my ex-boyfriends would be there talking junk.
Dracula.
[Imitating dracula.]
"I had big dreams for you.
" Freddy Krueger.
[Raspy voice.]
"I had big dreams for you, bitch.
" I don't want to hear none of this.
I'm married to Jason Voorhees.
I'm a comedian.
He gonna come to all my shows.
You gonna hear him cheering me on all night long.
"Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.
" I've been Nikki Carr.
Thank you so much.
That was Nikki Carr.
[Cheers and applause.]
I think you're great.
I really do.
I love you.
- Thank you.
I love you too.
- You know I love you.
I know you love me too.
You do something that nobody else does either.
I've never seen anything like you.
The heart you got is so big, - and you just, like, bring it.
- Thank you.
And you had a great set.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Nikki, I didn't know where you were gonna go tonight, and you went to places I'd never seen before.
And the way you dismantled Jason and And, you know, a lot of comics would've just named off who their ex-boyfriends were, but not only did you name them off, you you You did an impression of 'em, which made me laugh.
So you get two laughs out of the one joke, which I like.
- You killed the whole set.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, you definitely have something special about you.
You you come out, and right away, you shine.
I think the audience immediately embraces you and wants to hear your story, and your story is always very funny and always very vulnerable and honest.
And I just loved it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
Thank you.
Let's hear it for Nikki Carr! [Cheers and applause.]
When we return, we have our final performance of the night.
You know, her material is, "this is me," - and I love it.
- Both: Yeah.
I love it, and she's such wonderful presence.
- Yeah.
- Like, she's a neighbor.
- Yeah.
- You put her on any sitcom - right now - Right.
And she's gonna steal it every time she walks in.
That's right.
Narrator: Lachlan shows us his romantic side.
I got a wedding invitation in the mail.
Those are the worst.
Ugh.
That's not an invitation.
That's a subpoena, just so you know.
Welcome back, y'all.
We're about to see our last comic of the night, Lachlan Patterson.
Check him out.
I'm really excited that I have another opportunity to work with all these great comedians.
Still get nervous? No, I never really got nervous.
The only time I ever got nervous was the first time I did the White House correspondence dinner.
It's President Reagan That shows you how old I am And I'm waiting to go on.
This general goes, "hey, you the comedian? "This is the President of the United States, okay? "You don't make fun of him.
You don't do jokes about He is the commander in chief.
" And then I see George Shultz, who was the secretary of state.
He goes, "Leno, come here.
"Nail Ronnie.
Just hammer him.
" So I'm like I don't know what to do.
- So what did you do? - Oh, that's funny.
My opening joke was, "I want to congratulate Nancy Reagan "for winning the humanitarian of the year award.
"I'm glad she beat out that conniving little bitch, mother Teresa.
" That got a big laugh, and I went And I saw Reagan go [Exaggerated laugh.]
And I went, oh, okay.
- Whew, I'm in.
So - Oh, that's great.
Just the experience of listening to Jay Leno talk about stand-up comedy is pretty cool.
Lachlan Patterson.
Oh.
What's up, guys? [Cheers and applause.]
I, uh shh.
I live in Venice, California, and starting to get a little suspicious of the people in my neighborhood.
A little suspicious.
There's a homeless guy that urinates on my apartment every morning, and he's got a He's got a cat.
And I went up to him the other day, and I said, "hey, man, where'd you find that cat?" And he goes, "I rescued it.
" No, you didn't, actually.
I'm afraid that cat still needs to be rescued one more time.
I don't trust my mailman.
Saw my mailman deliver the mail at 9:30 at night with a little head flashlight on.
Just opened my door, "hey, man, you can just come by tomorrow.
"It's cool.
It's fine.
" I got a letter from the U.
S.
postal service saying, "we're making improvements.
" Well, obviously not, or you would've emailed that letter to me, okay? That's weird.
That's weird, all right, little bit.
I got a wedding invitation in the mail.
Those are the worst.
Ugh.
That's not an invitation.
That's a subpoena, just so you know.
Okay? Shouldn't that one be delivered by a sheriff? Why do they make the date so far away on the invitation? Relax.
You're not the Olympics, okay? No one needs that long to prepare for your party.
I figured out why they do it.
It's so you can't come up with an excuse.
It's right outside the comfortable excuse window, right? You can't be like, "ah, damn it.
Are you serious? Oh.
May 12, 2015? Son of a dickens.
Aw, man.
That's a Sunday, isn't it? Oh.
Really wish you had asked me two winters ago.
I oh, man.
I got a I got a zumba class that day.
I don't I don't Ugh.
Yeah.
I don't know if I" They ask you what you want to eat on the invitation.
How the hell do I know what I want to eat a year from now? Does any "Hey, honey, March 5, 2015, what are you thinking? Chicken or fish? What are you They need to know now.
They're gonna start raising the chickens, I think.
I don't I don't really I don't get it.
" And at the bottom, they tell you where to get the gift.
The balls.
"Oh, just so you know, we're registered at crate & barrel.
" "Oh, really? That's too bad 'cause I already picked you something up at my house.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
" "I rescued you a cat, so" Thank you, guys.
[Cheers and applause.]
Lachlan Patterson! Good set.
Comfortable in your skin.
Took your time, had some really funny material.
I enjoyed you.
Good job.
Thanks, man.
Appreciate it.
Thanks, man.
I like the way you built it.
You know, it had that steady build to it, you know.
You started off with a walk to a fast walk to a sprint to a jog.
You know, you had it You got it moving, and then you tied everything back with the homeless cat callback.
And "son of a dickens" still makes me laugh for some reason.
Son of a dickens.
It's something no human ever says.
Good set.
Thanks, bro.
I think you did great.
I like how you built your set.
I liked your callbacks, love your writing.
It's very unique, and I like how you're amping up the snark.
- I really, really like that.
- Little bit.
Okay, I'll keep doing that.
You could go you could even do more, actually.
- Really? - I think you know, if and when you come back, I just love I can't get enough of it.
I'd like to see it even meaner.
Yeah.
Let's hear it one more time for Lachlan Patterson! [Cheers and applause.]
When we come back, the all-important results.
Who stays, and who goes? Just like that.
Now is you know, now is a tough decision It's gonna be real tough.
Because we had five people who came out I think it's between two people.
I know which one.
I think it could be between three people, though.
Who is the third? Narrator: Coming up, our five hilarious finalists have done their job.
Now it's time for the judges to do theirs.
Four of you will be moving on.
The other one, it all ends tonight.
Welcome back to last comic standing: The title round.
Tonight, we watched the final five comics Lachlan, Rocky, Rod man, Nikki, and Joe Do their thing.
Before we get to the results, let's hear from our judges.
Can you give us some final thoughts? The sets tonight really were the deciding factor, and as far as everyone on that stage is concerned, all of you are headed toward stardom, and it's been my privilege to watch you all start and grow and get to these finals.
And I congratulate all of you.
[Cheers and applause.]
All right, now.
Brace yourselves.
Remember what's at stake, $250,000, an NBC development deal for your own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
Four of you will be moving on.
The other one, well, it all ends tonight.
The first comic moving on is Rod man.
It feels wonderful to be in the final four.
This is what we signed up for.
This is where you wanna be.
So that's my goal, to be the funniest and the Last Comic Standing at the end, at the end.
The next comic grabbing a spot, Joe Machi.
Being here now in the final four, yeah, I can taste that development deal, and it tastes good.
I think I've been the underdog for quite some time.
Sometimes, long shots pay off big.
The third comic moving on, Nikki Carr.
I do want to win.
I really you know what? I need to win.
I have to win.
I have to.
I have no choice now.
I've come this far.
The last comic moving on tonight will be Lachlan Patterson! I'm gonna do everything I can to win this thing.
There's still a long way to go, but I'm closer.
I'm just a little closer.
Unfortunately, we got to say good-bye to a very, very talented comedian, Rocky Laporte, right here.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You can catch Rocky on the Last Comic Standing tour.
[Cheers and applause.]
Let's hear it one more time for Rocky Laporte, y'all! All the comics, I love 'em all.
They're all good people, and I'm happy for 'em that they moved on.
Just from the experience being on Last Comic Standing, I got, like, a lot more fans and some really great fans and a lot of followers.
It helped my career a lot.
Thanks to our one and only Jay Leno, the one and only Jay Leno, y'all, for helping us out.
[Cheers and applause.]
And to the hardest-working judges in television, Russell Peters, Keenen Ivory Wayans, and in the middle, Roseanne.
I'm your host J.
B.
Smoove saying good night.
Last Comic Standing is in the building! Narrator: Next week, we're just two performances away from the title.
I'm ready to step into the great unknown.
Narrator: There's electricity in the air I'm getting goose bumps.
Narrator: When the final four fight for laughs Come on, guys.
You've seen my ass.
- Narrator: And survival - You killed it.
Narrator: As they try to earn a spot in the season finale.
Who will make the cut? Which three will get the chance to perform for the title? You'll have to tune in to find out.