Last Comic Standing (2003) s08e11 Episode Script
Finals - Top 4 to 3
This is the biggest opportunity I've ever had in my life.
The stakes are high, higher than they've ever been in my whole career.
Like, this is it.
A lot of things can go right, and a lot of things can go wrong, and hopefully they keep going right.
I don't think you're ever ready, but you can prepare.
So I've done my preparation, and I'm ready to step into the great unknown.
And let's hear it for tonight's survivors over here.
[Cheers and applause.]
Lachlan Patterson I'm trying all my little tricks to keep myself calm.
No one really teaches us how to do this, but at the end of the day, when you're standing up there and the judges are making a decision, everything's just gonna happen as it's supposed to happen, and all I have to worry about is doing the best I can.
Joe Machi I just want to keep in the competition and hopefully have a good set.
I wish I could say more.
It's really simple.
It's, you have a good set, you stay.
Rod Man The judges will agree.
The audience will agree.
I will agree.
Everybody will agree that that's the Last Comic Standing.
No doubt about it.
That guy.
Nikki Carr.
If people thought I was good before, with all of this extra stuff that I learned on this show? Baby, they better watch out, 'cause here I come.
Hmm.
Male narrator: Tonight, after a long journey Do you know how long that took? Narrator: Nobody is safe.
I am uncomfortable now.
Narrator: The four remaining comics will hit the stage Getting goose bumps.
Narrator: To fight for laughs and survival.
We had beef right off the top.
Narrator: And then, one comic will leave as our judges reveal who will make it to next week's season finale, where they will compete for it all: $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
And now, the man whose fruit budget alone is costing this show dearly, your host J.
B.
Smoove.
[Cheers and applause.]
Yeah! Welcome, welcome to Last Comic Standing, the Title Round.
[Cheers and applause.]
And then there were four: Lachlan Patterson [Cheers and applause.]
Rod Man Nikki Carr And Joe Machi.
Tonight they will compete in a stand-up battle that will leave only three of them standing.
But before we get it started, let's say hello to our amazing celebrity judges.
My man Russell Peters right there! Hey.
Keenen Ivory Wayans right there.
[Cheers and applause.]
And finally Roseanne.
Hey! Whoo! [Cheers and applause.]
Now, are you ready for the first comic of the night? [Cheers and applause.]
[Shouting.]
Yeah.
Check out Rod Man.
Early beginnings, Uptown Comedy Club, Atlanta, Georgia, that's where I started at.
- Are you still living there? - Uh, no, I escaped.
- I escaped, yeah.
- Okay.
Everybody say you got to move to New York or L.
A.
To really get your career moving.
I'm like, "I got to follow this dream!" And that's how we here today.
- I love you.
- Yeah, thank you, thank you.
This is a beautiful experience for any comedian.
Any time you can get validation that you are on the right path, comedians need that.
Rod Man, if you could have a perfect set, that was yours tonight.
The feedback from the judges and mentors has helped me.
It's like a buffet of information.
Judge your act by how happy you are, not by how happy everybody else is.
If you can take advice and be able to implement that, I think that goes a long way.
You just got to figure out how to plan your set out so you can get all of that funny stuff out.
- You right.
- I been doing this.
Yeah, I know.
This exposure from Last Comic Standing can only enhance me and my career.
Mr.
Gottfried, I never met you before.
You like a little grown baby.
I want to say that right off the top.
We're all looking for that one shining moment.
That's what I want.
I have great respect for your artistry, and I think you did great.
I appreciate that.
I appreciate that.
Thank you, thank you.
We all stars right now, so embrace it.
I'm embracing it.
[Cheers and applause.]
Give it up for Rod Man! [Cheers and applause.]
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
My wife we've been together so long, man.
She don't even try to impress me no more with her nighttime wear.
That is not a part of the program at all.
Yeah, 'cause when a woman been with you a long time, she wear what she want to bed, and that's what you have to learn.
Yeah, 'cause she she don't, you know, try to match it or nothing.
She got the same little tank top, short set, no socks.
That's how she roll to bed at night, and I be like, "man, all you need is your name tag on that, 'cause you wear the same thing every night.
" And she like to wrap her head.
That's her thing.
She love to wrap her head at night, and she'll still try to come on to me, you know, with a head wrap.
But you can't make love with a head rag on your head.
I can tell you that right now, ladies.
You can make biscuits.
You can make some good-ass biscuits with your head rag on your head.
Can't make [cheers and applause.]
People ask me, "what was the thing that she had that you really enjoyed?" And I say, "hey, beautiful breasts.
" That's the thing.
Yeah, 'cause I'm a breast man, I know and not chicken.
I like chicken breasts too, but I like breasts.
But I like breasts that are confident breasts, ladies.
I have learned that, over the years, breasts have a shelf life.
I did not know breasts have a shelf life.
'Cause yeah, 'cause you got to enjoy breasts early.
You got to enjoy breasts early, 'cause, you know, they'll trick you, 'cause in the bra, they still look so confident.
They look so confident, but then you pop the bra off, you find out they got low self-esteem.
[Laughter and applause.]
They're so sad.
They're so sad.
They're so sad.
It's like a little newborn baby.
You trying to tilt the baby up.
You like, "what's wrong, little baby?" You know, but it just fall back down, like, "I have served my breast time.
" It only has so much breast time.
But you got to enjoy 'em while they there, 'cause it's a beautiful thing.
But I seen when the breasts decline, 'cause, yeah, it was a great breast decline, 'cause we got two daughters, and I seen it going wrong, 'cause she breastfed my last daughter.
And I told her I said, "hey.
She is ruining that left one right there.
I can tell you that right now.
She is ruining that left one.
" And that was my favorite one too, so we had beef right off the top.
We had beef right off the top, 'cause I like, "that one was mine," but she done took over that one.
And I thought, you know, when you nurse the baby I know the baby got to breastfeed, and the milk is for the baby, but I didn't know once she I thought it shut off once she get back to doing grown people stuff, 'cause we was back to doing grown folks stuff, and a little milk start coming out at me.
And I like, "whoa, whoa, I'm not a baby.
I'm not a baby.
" Yeah, and I don't know how the baby live off that milk, 'cause I was like, "man, "this need to be homogenized or something, 'cause this is not good at all.
" Hey, I been Rod Man, man.
I appreciate you all.
Much love, man.
Appreciate it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
That was Rod Man! [Cheers and applause.]
This was definitely wow.
You know, every time, Rod Man, I see you, I think, "man, I don't know if he can top that," and then you top it every time, and you topped it with a head wrap.
And you and you should make t-shirts that say, "make biscuits, not love.
" - There you go.
- Great set, man.
Thank you, Russ.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it, Russell.
[Cheers and applause.]
I'm totally agreeing with Russell.
Every time, I think, "wow.
" You know, and you topped yourself maybe double this time.
You were so good all the other times, I think you were saving it, and, I mean, that's saying a lot, 'cause you've killed every single time, but, you know, you - He hasn't had one bad set.
- No, never.
But you know what I like about you the most is that you say the stuff that nobody else on earth could say, and people are like, "oh, it's so sweet.
" I'm just calling it like I see it.
- "He just said his wife has saggy - [Bleep.]
.
It's so cute.
" It's amazing.
- I love it.
- Thank you, Roseanne.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
I thought tonight, "okay, "this is a different look for Rod Man.
He got to go first.
Let's see what that means.
" - In this hot jacket.
- Yes.
You didn't wear your Lex Luthor outfit.
What happened, man? You switched up.
No, a hot jacket.
Yeah, I feel like a fireman on break.
It's got leather sleeves, at least.
Yeah, I know.
But the first spot didn't seem to bother you.
It's interesting, 'cause this is a marathon.
- Right.
- And he's like that Ethiopian guy you see in the Olympics just cruising along.
It's like he's not breathing hard, making it look easy.
So you did a great job, man.
- Good job.
- Thank you, Keenen.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Give it to Rod Man, all up in the final four, man.
Go ahead with your bad self! More Last Comic Standing right after this.
[Cheers and applause.]
That was phenomenal, the opening.
- It was.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
He's very smart not only with his material, but the way he's constructing these sets.
And the way he disarms you with his delivery.
Yeah.
Narrator: Coming up, Lachlan tries to sweet-talk the ladies.
You could say anything you want to a woman, and she will do it as long as, at the end of it, you say, "with your fine ass.
" Is that [laughter and applause.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to the second-to-last episode of Last Comic Standing.
Let's get to our next comic.
He is easily one of the four best comics left in this competition.
Take a look at my man Lachlan Patterson.
When I first started to pursue stand-up comedy as a career, I took a class.
As soon as I got onstage, I said, "there's nothing like this.
I love it.
" Right here, guys, no smoking, and I'm sorry.
No standing ovations during my performance.
I've been doing stand-up comedy for 15 years, and most people are just finding out about me.
It took a long time, but everything happens for a reason.
I think you could take this whole contest.
Oh, man.
I think if you want to win this contest, you're gonna have to be perfect.
My presentation has to be better.
If you gonna be louder, then be loud.
If you're gonna do it, commit.
That's all I'm saying.
Be open.
That's what improvisation is.
This is all kind of like a dream come true.
- Honor the tradition.
- Okay.
Jeff, you look like the before picture in anything.
But I'm really working hard to finish this thing.
Lachlan Patterson! [Cheers and applause.]
Being in the final four isn't enough.
I want to win.
Lachlan Patterson! [Cheers and applause.]
Nice.
I think I'm ready to settle down and meet my final woman.
Yes.
I just haven't found one that will obey me yet.
[Groans.]
My black friend told me that you could say anything you want to a woman, and she will do it as long as, at the end of it, you say, "with your fine ass.
" Is that that true? Keenen, is that true? [Laughing.]
Women say they like a guy who can cook, but then they get all pissed off when they walk in my kitchen and see that microwave ticking down from 72 minutes.
"What's taking so long?" "Go wait on the futon! With your fine ass.
" That right? Was it Yeah? All right.
So now what I do, before they come over, so to avoid any conflict, I hide my microwave inside my oven, right? Yeah.
So much smarter, bro.
Women like a guy who can work out, a guy with a good body.
I got a pretty good routine.
I do chin-ups for my back, and I do push-ups for my chest, and for my lower body, I wear pants.
A lot easier.
I don't want to get too big, you know? I don't want to get massive.
I like the Stair Master.
I love the Stair Master because before you even start on it, it asks you your age, but it doesn't let you just enter any age.
It says, "enter your age between 100.
" That's where you're stopping people? I think if you make it to 100, you don't have to work out ever again, right? I think if you die at 100, no one's gonna be like, "well, he was getting kind of chubby.
" - No.
- [Laughs.]
No, he died of 100.
It's a disease that affects almost everyone.
[Laughter and applause.]
If I was 100 and some personal trainer told me I needed to do more jumping jacks, I'd be like, "do you have any idea how old I am? I knew jumping Jack.
That's how old that's " [cheers and applause.]
When you enter 100 on a Stair Master, balloons should fall from the gym's ceiling, and a banner should come out saying, "You are the Stair Master.
Go home.
" [Cheers and applause.]
Lachlan Patterson! [Cheers and applause.]
I thought you had a good set.
It's interesting that we're this far along in the competition, and it's good to see that you still got a little something left in the tank.
I thought you had a really well-constructed set.
I thought you were very funny, and [laughing.]
[Laughs.]
The pants the pants joke just makes me laugh Pants, bro? Oh, you like the pants? Thanks, man, that was my that was Thank you.
I have a teenage son, and, you know, like, one day, they go from being 5'2 " to 5'11".
That's how you look, like you just grew overnight.
Like, nothing really fits, and I'm still growing.
I think it works great for you, so, you know, keep doing your thing, man.
- Funny set.
- Thanks, bro.
Appreciate it, man.
Thank you.
Lachlan, your style is as crooked as your smile - Oh.
- Which is great.
All your jokes come out of that.
They just, like you sneak 'em in there, you know? - Thanks, man.
- And you died of 100.
You hide your microwave inside your oven.
I mean, that still makes me laugh, 'cause now I'm thinking about how to redesign my kitchen.
Smart move, bro.
I'll help you out.
You had a great set with your fine ass.
Thank you, bro.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I wanted to say that.
[Cheers and applause.]
I think you did great.
You're like a comedy miner, because you keep on digging and digging and digging, and the way you construct your jokes, after I hear you deliver a joke, I'm like, "damn, why didn't I think of that?" - You know? - Oh, I'm getting goose bumps.
I just really like the way you go deep and mine for the gold, you know? I like what? What? [Cheers and applause.]
[Laughing.]
I don't know what they're thinking.
I don't either.
Hey, stop going so deep on Roseanne, is all we're saying.
No, but, I mean you guys have dirty minds.
No, but, you know, you go right to the joke, and you keep staying there and delivering.
You did a great job with your fine ass.
Thank you.
Thank you, Roseanne.
Thank you, guys.
Let's hear it one more time for Lachlan Patterson! [Cheers and applause.]
Come on back for more great comedy after the break.
[Cheers and applause.]
- It was a good set.
- A good set.
But, you know, the first half of the set was stronger than the second half.
What he does very well is maintain composure.
It's like some people, if they slide, they can't stop.
They just it just goes like this.
With him, he can slide, stop, relax, and then get back on even ground.
Narrator: Coming up Any time I ever been stuck anywhere, my hood in the air, Papi always come to my rescue.
Narrator: Nikki Carr gets roadside assistance.
"Mami, what happen? No starty?" [Laughter and applause.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Smart move, because we have a great show for you tonight.
Before I bring out our next comic, I want you to check this out.
I've been doing stand-up comedy for 17 years.
Ever since I was a little kid, I liked making people laugh so that they'll want to be my friend.
They'll want to play with me.
I like making the grown-ups laugh so that they don't tell me to go into the other room.
So laughter has always been my thing.
You need men.
You need their point of view even if it's just to laugh at it.
[Laughs.]
I never wanted to be no lesbian.
I didn't! I didn't have a choice.
My mother always knew I wanted to be in show business.
She didn't think that I could go very far as a lesbian, and that's why I am so grateful to Last Comic Standing for this boost to my career.
The mentoring that you've gave me so far has made me a better writer.
Wanda Sykes, Amy Schumer, Howie Mandel.
All these people have taught me so much.
You're very likable onstage, and at a roast, that's currency.
And I'm gonna take that with me for the rest of my career.
You can't beat that.
They say you've been telling jokes since you were 15 years old.
That is impressive.
Keep it up.
You're bound to tell a funny one one day.
[Laughter and applause.]
I'm doing this 'cause I want my children and my grandchildren and my girlfriend to be very, very, very proud of me.
Nikki Carr, you continue to amaze me.
Thank you.
I want to win.
I want to be the Last Comic Standing.
Give it up for Nikki Carr! [Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You know, it really bothers me when people say black people are lazy.
I mean, come on.
We weren't the ones with the slaves.
We don't invent stuff to make other people lazy.
The Clapper.
Really? We don't need that.
That's what we use our kids for.
"Baby, come in here and cut this light out for mommy, please.
Thank you.
" "Oh, oh, take my glass in the kitchen while you're going, would you?" I just want America to get along like we do on that beautiful Spanish island where I was born: Bronx, New York.
[Laughs.]
I'm telling you, in the Bronx, the latinos and the blacks, we put the "unity" in "community.
" We do.
We get along so good that I have to ask myself, "man, where were they during slavery time? How come we weren't getting along like this then?" We could've really used their help back then.
We had fields of cotton to pick in the hot sun.
We had no music.
We worked to the rhythm of the slave song.
Do you know how long that took? Swing low, sweet They could've at least help us do that faster, like Swing low, bada-bada-ba-da, sweet chariot Coming for to carry me home [Cheers and applause.]
Well, now, I tell you, these people are my family and my friends.
Any time I ever been stuck anywhere, my hood in the air, Papi always come to my rescue.
Same crazy question every time: "Mami, what happen? No starty?" Black men just keep right on going.
Okay, all right, one time a black man did offer to help me.
No, he did.
He did.
I was changing my tire.
I was down with my back turned.
[Cheers and applause.]
He said he said, "yo, my man.
You need help? You good?" [Laughing.]
Whoo! I didn't even bother turning around.
I was just like, "yeah, man, I got it.
Thank you, sir.
" I'm Nikki Carr.
Thank you very much.
[Cheers and applause.]
That was Nikki Carr! [Cheers and applause.]
You look fantastic, by the way, tonight.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I love your sparkly top.
It's fantastic.
We haven't seen you looking that fancy yet, so it's cool.
Yeah, it's kind of fancy.
I feel like a mermaid.
[Laughs.]
You killed it.
You're another comic who, like, tops yourself over and over and over with new stuff that nobody but you can say, and you killed it.
Ow! Thank you.
[Cheers and applause.]
Nikki, that was a set I didn't see coming, and you've continued to do that since day one to now.
And congratulations.
You are you are just you are changing my mind daily.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, actually, I have to disagree.
The shirt underneath the sparkles initially kind of threw me off.
I was like, "she raided Patti LaBelle's closet right about now.
" [Laughs.]
Believe me, I feel like a disco ball.
But [laughter and applause.]
But it's a testament to your persona, that immediately it went from a distraction to just part of you.
And you have such a big personality onstage.
It's a real gift, and I think, like, in watching the pre-package and you talking about your love of making people laugh? That is really evident.
It's like there's never a moment in your set where the audience feels like you're drifting away from us.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That is awesome.
Thank you.
One more time for Nikki Carr! [Cheers and applause.]
When we return, our final comic will perform, and then our judges will make some big decisions.
Make sure that you come on back.
[Cheers and applause.]
I haven't heard anybody put those subjects in the way that she put 'em before.
It's not angry.
It's not self-effacing.
It's just it's the joke.
- Yeah.
- You know? - She has no apology for that.
- Yeah.
It's like that's, like, the next level, I think.
Well, you know whoever's backstage right now, their knees are knocking.
Narrator: Coming up, Joe shows off his romantic side No one chooses to be homosexual, unless someone's offering me 85 bucks.
[Laughs.]
Narrator: And later, the judges select three comics to compete for the title on next week's season finale.
And now we have to make the tough decision as to who we're gonna send home.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back.
So far we've watched three of our final four comics lay it all out on the line.
There's still one comic backstage nervously waiting, so let's do the right thing and make him wait a little bit longer before bringing him out.
Watch this.
Someone asked me why I was a comedian, and it's not a career you choose.
It kind of chooses you.
Is that how you really are, or is that a character? I tend to get very nervous when I'm onstage.
Being a stand-up comedian is really about being yourself, and there are lots of unusual people, and I'm just one of those people, so I come up with an invention every morning, like a like, for instance, this morning was a Swiss army shirt.
It's a regular shirt with a corkscrew attached.
Being on Last Comic Standing is a really neat experience.
I get to do what I love with, like, a lot of people that I think are great.
You're almost deconstructing the roast, so you want it to be really clear.
You want to be super original and have it kill.
I want to acknowledge someone who isn't here, the 94 comedians that did not advance this far.
It's nice that people are taking the time out to pay attention to you, because you struggle for a lot of years in obscurity with no guarantee of reward when you're a comedian.
The judges want to hear one more joke from each comic.
[Cheers and applause.]
I've told a lot more jokes than anyone else has.
Who is that in the White House? Is that one of Thomas Jefferson's kids? But it's more opportunity for people to see me, and that's what I want out of this.
Joe Machi! I want people across the country to think, "this is someone I'm interested in.
" Give it up for Joe Machi! [Cheers and applause.]
Say, gang, I, uh [Judges laugh.]
I always hated having to fake sick to get off work, because I am a terrible actor.
I remember calling up my boss and giving her my pre-planned story about how I had a sore throat and an upset stomach, and she's like, "okay, but why did you say that with a Southern accent?" [Laughing.]
Team, when I was in college [cheers and applause.]
When I was in college, we used to go drink a lot and do some real crazy stuff.
Why, this one time, my friend and I got so drunk, and he passed out, and then [Laughs.]
I didn't take him to the hospital.
He could've died.
Teachers say [Laughs.]
That it's not their fault students don't do very well, because they have to deal with students that don't care and parents that don't care and a society that doesn't care about education, and I think they're right.
It often doesn't matter what a teacher does.
That's why we should pay them less.
[Audience groans and laughs.]
Gang, no one chooses to be homosexual, unless someone's offering me 85 bucks.
[Cheers and applause.]
Pretty good deal.
Evolution is a strange idea, because they tell us beneficial traits survive, but how's that explain traits like wisdom teeth or ass hair? What possible use could there be for ass hair? [Women cheer.]
Does it keep you warm? No one's ever said to me on a cold day, "Joe, it is freezing.
Where is your coat?" And I'm like, "come on, guys.
You've seen my ass.
" In closing, gang, Iran keeps goading us into a war, but we took over the country to their left, Iraq, and we took over the country to their right, Afghanistan.
It's almost like no one in Iran has ever played risk before.
And maybe Iran has one nuclear weapon.
America has so many nuclear weapons that over the years, we've lost eight of them in the ocean.
Do you guys know how hard it is to lose eight of anything? [Laughs.]
I can't even lose one virginity.
[Cheers and applause.]
Thank you, everyone.
I'm Joe Machi.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Cheering.]
That was Joe Machi, everybody.
Thank you, everyone.
Joe, you know, it's interesting.
I've been following you through this competition, and you've changed.
And I feel like I'm on the TV Show Catfish, you know? Like, you started out as this kind of nervous, really awkward guy, and now you have this confidence and this, like, twinkle, and I feel like I got tricked.
Like, I you know? It's like I fell in love with the awkward guy, and now this guy comes out.
And I think for me, I kind of think you get away with more when it's uncomfortable, when you seem uncomfortable, you know? That's not to say that you didn't have a - I am uncomfortable now.
- No.
You get away with more, you have more edge, when the audience kind of feels like you're not quite all there, if you understand what I'm you know what I mean? Yep, I totally understand.
But beyond that, you've been great throughout the competition.
You had a great set tonight.
Oh, thank you, Keenen.
Thank you.
Joe Machi continues to amaze me throughout this whole competition.
I believe he's had the most sets to do out of any comic in the competition, and you got great stuff, and you continue to deliver.
Congratulations, Joe.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, everybody.
Well, you know I love you, Joe.
Oh, I appreciate that.
And I think you had a great set, but it's like, wow, how much material does this guy have? All of it fresh, all of it different.
Great writer, great delivery.
I like that you got more confident.
I think I just got a little more used to this - the big stage.
- Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
I think you just killed it, Joe.
I think, once again, you killed it.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
Put your hands together for Joe Machi.
[Cheers and applause.]
When we return, playtime is over.
Find out which comic will be in next week's title showdown.
Stay tuned.
[Cheers and applause.]
He felt a little inconsistent and a little gimmicky.
- He became shtick-y? - Yeah, he became shtick-y, and that's kind of what I felt tonight.
I'm gonna disagree.
He got huge laughs on difficult material.
- Yes.
- His was - I think his was more pedestrian.
- Less difficult material.
I think he pulled the trigger a little better.
- Right.
- Oh, my God.
I totally disagree with both of you guys.
We're gonna have to arm-wrestle for it or something.
Narrator: Coming up, next week's season finale only has standing room for three.
Find out which three when we return.
The first comic claiming a spot in next week's finale is - I'm always scared right here.
- Yeah? Yeah, this is the part that makes me nervous and scared.
The waiting.
I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to win this thing, guys.
- Sorry.
- Well I don't think that's gonna happen, - but good luck.
- Thank you.
I think you all have a good chance.
Everybody got 25%.
That's what I did with the numbers I came up with.
You did some math? Yeah, yeah, I was like, "it's four of us.
" I'm a fan of everybody that's here.
I think Nikki's funny.
I think Joe is funny.
I think Lachlan's funny.
But I'm the best comedian, so, yeah, I think I'm gonna move on and be the Last Comic Standing.
Yeah.
How are you feeling tonight, sir? I'm nervous, but that's a good thing, 'cause if I wasn't nervous, then I'd be kind of weirded out, 'cause I'm usually nervous.
The nicest thing about this is, I have gotten to meet some other comedians I wouldn't have met.
We kind of run in different circles.
You know, Rod Man's based in L.
A.
, and I'm a New York guy.
Nikki's in New York, but we haven't done the same shows, which is, you know, kind of disappointing, 'cause, like, she's such a nice person.
Oh, and Lachlan, you know, he's Canadian, but he lives in L.
A.
, and I just never even met him before.
But they're all very nice people.
The way I feel right now is, I'm a winner.
I'm the last female standing.
None of you guys can take that.
Now you got too many causes.
[Laughter.]
Well, they say funny stays.
Yeah, that's true, but everybody funny now.
They got to make a decision.
There's got to be a weakest link.
Win or lose, this is all like a dream come true, and if I do wake up, I hope I wake up with $250,000.
That would be great.
Whatever happens tonight - Good luck.
- Good luck to everybody.
- We all winners.
- All winners.
All winners.
- Oh.
- Oh, lord.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
We just watched Rod Man, Lachlan, Nikki, and Joe bring down the house.
The question now is, which three comics will be in next week's finale to compete for our grand prize of $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing, baby? [Cheers and applause.]
Judges, I have your results in my hand right here.
Before I read them, give us your thoughts about tonight's show.
R.
P.
, any thoughts? None of you have made this easy for us.
You continuously outdo yourselves.
Every time we think we've seen the best out of you, you show us a little bit better.
And whoever's going home tonight, America knows who you are now, and America loves you.
[Cheers and applause.]
Roseanne, please.
Somebody's got to go home, and it was hard.
It took a lot of discussion and weighing, and, you know, all of that aside, every one of you are great comics.
You're great writers, you're great performers, and it was wonderful to watch you.
[Applause.]
Keenen, thoughts? We've invested in you guys along the way, and we've rooted for you all, and now we have to make the tough decision as to who we're gonna send home.
It's funny.
As the show started tonight, I was again rooting for everybody, and then I realized, "God, it would be easier if somebody had just bombed.
" - Yup.
- You know? And nobody did that.
And so for all of you standing on that stage tonight, my congratulations.
You're amazing comedians.
You've done a great job, and I wish you all the best.
[Cheers and applause.]
We always say, "there are no losers.
Everybody just can't win.
" [Laughter.]
That's the coldest thing I ever heard, J.
B.
[Laughter.]
Sometimes J.
B.
go deep on you, baby.
All right.
Let's do this.
[Dramatic music.]
The first comic claiming a spot in next week's finale is Rod Man, baby.
[Cheers and applause.]
It feels great.
Final three.
If I win, I want some confetti or something I don't know and a belt.
Yeah, a Last Comic Standing belt.
Like a wrestling-type belt.
Yeah.
The second comic claiming a spot in next week's finale is [Laughter.]
[Laughter.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing! - Yeah.
- Whoo! Let's do this.
The second comic claiming a spot in next week's finale is [Dramatic music.]
Nikki Carr.
[Cheers and applause.]
I was so overwhelmed.
I got a little emotional when I heard my name.
Happy tears, happy tears everywhere.
I'm feeling like maybe I can win this thing.
Who knows? The comic claiming the third and final spot is Lachlan Patterson.
[Cheers and applause.]
Never would've thought I'd get this far.
Never would've thought in a million years.
Going from 100 down to Congratulations, Lachlan.
Come on over, Joe.
[Cheers and applause.]
- Joe, we've loved you.
- We love you, Joe! We've loved having you on the show.
[Cheers and applause.]
Normally I don't have to compete against other comics, but on the flip side of that, normally no one's at my shows, and no one comes to see me 'cause I'm not a name that people know.
Hopefully now people will come to see my shows and buy t-shirts that are overpriced that have my picture on it.
I'm sure there's nothing but good things that are coming your way, Joe.
Give it up for Joe.
Fourth is nothing compared to how talented he is.
I love Joe Machi, and I wish him all the best.
Good luck to you, brother.
Blow this thing up.
Boom, pound it out.
Joe will be on the last comic standing tour this fall.
Let's hear it one more time for my man Joe Machi.
[Cheers and applause.]
Join us next week for our exciting, climactic, two-hour season finale.
Good night.
[Cheers and applause.]
Narrator: Next week on Last Comic Standing, it all comes down to this, our special two-hour season finale for all the marbles.
Well it's about damn time, don't you think? Narrator: A season that began with 100 talented comics will end with 1.
That's right! It is about to be on.
Narrator: Get ready for laughs [Laughs wryly.]
I'd like to buy a backwards k with a line on top.
Narrator: And surprises I thought it was the emergency broadcasting system or something.
Narrator: With special performances by the comic comeback winner.
.
My boy Alingon Mitra! Narrator: And our celebrity judges Russell Peters When this show first came on the air, people were like, "oh, my God, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
"Oh, my God, Roseanne Barr.
Who the hell's that Latin guy?" Narrator: And the one and only Roseanne Barr.
You're welcome, America.
Narrator: And then we'll see the final performances of the competition.
One of these three comics will win $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the coveted title of Last Comic Standing.
The stakes are high, higher than they've ever been in my whole career.
Like, this is it.
A lot of things can go right, and a lot of things can go wrong, and hopefully they keep going right.
I don't think you're ever ready, but you can prepare.
So I've done my preparation, and I'm ready to step into the great unknown.
And let's hear it for tonight's survivors over here.
[Cheers and applause.]
Lachlan Patterson I'm trying all my little tricks to keep myself calm.
No one really teaches us how to do this, but at the end of the day, when you're standing up there and the judges are making a decision, everything's just gonna happen as it's supposed to happen, and all I have to worry about is doing the best I can.
Joe Machi I just want to keep in the competition and hopefully have a good set.
I wish I could say more.
It's really simple.
It's, you have a good set, you stay.
Rod Man The judges will agree.
The audience will agree.
I will agree.
Everybody will agree that that's the Last Comic Standing.
No doubt about it.
That guy.
Nikki Carr.
If people thought I was good before, with all of this extra stuff that I learned on this show? Baby, they better watch out, 'cause here I come.
Hmm.
Male narrator: Tonight, after a long journey Do you know how long that took? Narrator: Nobody is safe.
I am uncomfortable now.
Narrator: The four remaining comics will hit the stage Getting goose bumps.
Narrator: To fight for laughs and survival.
We had beef right off the top.
Narrator: And then, one comic will leave as our judges reveal who will make it to next week's season finale, where they will compete for it all: $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
And now, the man whose fruit budget alone is costing this show dearly, your host J.
B.
Smoove.
[Cheers and applause.]
Yeah! Welcome, welcome to Last Comic Standing, the Title Round.
[Cheers and applause.]
And then there were four: Lachlan Patterson [Cheers and applause.]
Rod Man Nikki Carr And Joe Machi.
Tonight they will compete in a stand-up battle that will leave only three of them standing.
But before we get it started, let's say hello to our amazing celebrity judges.
My man Russell Peters right there! Hey.
Keenen Ivory Wayans right there.
[Cheers and applause.]
And finally Roseanne.
Hey! Whoo! [Cheers and applause.]
Now, are you ready for the first comic of the night? [Cheers and applause.]
[Shouting.]
Yeah.
Check out Rod Man.
Early beginnings, Uptown Comedy Club, Atlanta, Georgia, that's where I started at.
- Are you still living there? - Uh, no, I escaped.
- I escaped, yeah.
- Okay.
Everybody say you got to move to New York or L.
A.
To really get your career moving.
I'm like, "I got to follow this dream!" And that's how we here today.
- I love you.
- Yeah, thank you, thank you.
This is a beautiful experience for any comedian.
Any time you can get validation that you are on the right path, comedians need that.
Rod Man, if you could have a perfect set, that was yours tonight.
The feedback from the judges and mentors has helped me.
It's like a buffet of information.
Judge your act by how happy you are, not by how happy everybody else is.
If you can take advice and be able to implement that, I think that goes a long way.
You just got to figure out how to plan your set out so you can get all of that funny stuff out.
- You right.
- I been doing this.
Yeah, I know.
This exposure from Last Comic Standing can only enhance me and my career.
Mr.
Gottfried, I never met you before.
You like a little grown baby.
I want to say that right off the top.
We're all looking for that one shining moment.
That's what I want.
I have great respect for your artistry, and I think you did great.
I appreciate that.
I appreciate that.
Thank you, thank you.
We all stars right now, so embrace it.
I'm embracing it.
[Cheers and applause.]
Give it up for Rod Man! [Cheers and applause.]
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
My wife we've been together so long, man.
She don't even try to impress me no more with her nighttime wear.
That is not a part of the program at all.
Yeah, 'cause when a woman been with you a long time, she wear what she want to bed, and that's what you have to learn.
Yeah, 'cause she she don't, you know, try to match it or nothing.
She got the same little tank top, short set, no socks.
That's how she roll to bed at night, and I be like, "man, all you need is your name tag on that, 'cause you wear the same thing every night.
" And she like to wrap her head.
That's her thing.
She love to wrap her head at night, and she'll still try to come on to me, you know, with a head wrap.
But you can't make love with a head rag on your head.
I can tell you that right now, ladies.
You can make biscuits.
You can make some good-ass biscuits with your head rag on your head.
Can't make [cheers and applause.]
People ask me, "what was the thing that she had that you really enjoyed?" And I say, "hey, beautiful breasts.
" That's the thing.
Yeah, 'cause I'm a breast man, I know and not chicken.
I like chicken breasts too, but I like breasts.
But I like breasts that are confident breasts, ladies.
I have learned that, over the years, breasts have a shelf life.
I did not know breasts have a shelf life.
'Cause yeah, 'cause you got to enjoy breasts early.
You got to enjoy breasts early, 'cause, you know, they'll trick you, 'cause in the bra, they still look so confident.
They look so confident, but then you pop the bra off, you find out they got low self-esteem.
[Laughter and applause.]
They're so sad.
They're so sad.
They're so sad.
It's like a little newborn baby.
You trying to tilt the baby up.
You like, "what's wrong, little baby?" You know, but it just fall back down, like, "I have served my breast time.
" It only has so much breast time.
But you got to enjoy 'em while they there, 'cause it's a beautiful thing.
But I seen when the breasts decline, 'cause, yeah, it was a great breast decline, 'cause we got two daughters, and I seen it going wrong, 'cause she breastfed my last daughter.
And I told her I said, "hey.
She is ruining that left one right there.
I can tell you that right now.
She is ruining that left one.
" And that was my favorite one too, so we had beef right off the top.
We had beef right off the top, 'cause I like, "that one was mine," but she done took over that one.
And I thought, you know, when you nurse the baby I know the baby got to breastfeed, and the milk is for the baby, but I didn't know once she I thought it shut off once she get back to doing grown people stuff, 'cause we was back to doing grown folks stuff, and a little milk start coming out at me.
And I like, "whoa, whoa, I'm not a baby.
I'm not a baby.
" Yeah, and I don't know how the baby live off that milk, 'cause I was like, "man, "this need to be homogenized or something, 'cause this is not good at all.
" Hey, I been Rod Man, man.
I appreciate you all.
Much love, man.
Appreciate it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
That was Rod Man! [Cheers and applause.]
This was definitely wow.
You know, every time, Rod Man, I see you, I think, "man, I don't know if he can top that," and then you top it every time, and you topped it with a head wrap.
And you and you should make t-shirts that say, "make biscuits, not love.
" - There you go.
- Great set, man.
Thank you, Russ.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it, Russell.
[Cheers and applause.]
I'm totally agreeing with Russell.
Every time, I think, "wow.
" You know, and you topped yourself maybe double this time.
You were so good all the other times, I think you were saving it, and, I mean, that's saying a lot, 'cause you've killed every single time, but, you know, you - He hasn't had one bad set.
- No, never.
But you know what I like about you the most is that you say the stuff that nobody else on earth could say, and people are like, "oh, it's so sweet.
" I'm just calling it like I see it.
- "He just said his wife has saggy - [Bleep.]
.
It's so cute.
" It's amazing.
- I love it.
- Thank you, Roseanne.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
I thought tonight, "okay, "this is a different look for Rod Man.
He got to go first.
Let's see what that means.
" - In this hot jacket.
- Yes.
You didn't wear your Lex Luthor outfit.
What happened, man? You switched up.
No, a hot jacket.
Yeah, I feel like a fireman on break.
It's got leather sleeves, at least.
Yeah, I know.
But the first spot didn't seem to bother you.
It's interesting, 'cause this is a marathon.
- Right.
- And he's like that Ethiopian guy you see in the Olympics just cruising along.
It's like he's not breathing hard, making it look easy.
So you did a great job, man.
- Good job.
- Thank you, Keenen.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Give it to Rod Man, all up in the final four, man.
Go ahead with your bad self! More Last Comic Standing right after this.
[Cheers and applause.]
That was phenomenal, the opening.
- It was.
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
He's very smart not only with his material, but the way he's constructing these sets.
And the way he disarms you with his delivery.
Yeah.
Narrator: Coming up, Lachlan tries to sweet-talk the ladies.
You could say anything you want to a woman, and she will do it as long as, at the end of it, you say, "with your fine ass.
" Is that [laughter and applause.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to the second-to-last episode of Last Comic Standing.
Let's get to our next comic.
He is easily one of the four best comics left in this competition.
Take a look at my man Lachlan Patterson.
When I first started to pursue stand-up comedy as a career, I took a class.
As soon as I got onstage, I said, "there's nothing like this.
I love it.
" Right here, guys, no smoking, and I'm sorry.
No standing ovations during my performance.
I've been doing stand-up comedy for 15 years, and most people are just finding out about me.
It took a long time, but everything happens for a reason.
I think you could take this whole contest.
Oh, man.
I think if you want to win this contest, you're gonna have to be perfect.
My presentation has to be better.
If you gonna be louder, then be loud.
If you're gonna do it, commit.
That's all I'm saying.
Be open.
That's what improvisation is.
This is all kind of like a dream come true.
- Honor the tradition.
- Okay.
Jeff, you look like the before picture in anything.
But I'm really working hard to finish this thing.
Lachlan Patterson! [Cheers and applause.]
Being in the final four isn't enough.
I want to win.
Lachlan Patterson! [Cheers and applause.]
Nice.
I think I'm ready to settle down and meet my final woman.
Yes.
I just haven't found one that will obey me yet.
[Groans.]
My black friend told me that you could say anything you want to a woman, and she will do it as long as, at the end of it, you say, "with your fine ass.
" Is that that true? Keenen, is that true? [Laughing.]
Women say they like a guy who can cook, but then they get all pissed off when they walk in my kitchen and see that microwave ticking down from 72 minutes.
"What's taking so long?" "Go wait on the futon! With your fine ass.
" That right? Was it Yeah? All right.
So now what I do, before they come over, so to avoid any conflict, I hide my microwave inside my oven, right? Yeah.
So much smarter, bro.
Women like a guy who can work out, a guy with a good body.
I got a pretty good routine.
I do chin-ups for my back, and I do push-ups for my chest, and for my lower body, I wear pants.
A lot easier.
I don't want to get too big, you know? I don't want to get massive.
I like the Stair Master.
I love the Stair Master because before you even start on it, it asks you your age, but it doesn't let you just enter any age.
It says, "enter your age between 100.
" That's where you're stopping people? I think if you make it to 100, you don't have to work out ever again, right? I think if you die at 100, no one's gonna be like, "well, he was getting kind of chubby.
" - No.
- [Laughs.]
No, he died of 100.
It's a disease that affects almost everyone.
[Laughter and applause.]
If I was 100 and some personal trainer told me I needed to do more jumping jacks, I'd be like, "do you have any idea how old I am? I knew jumping Jack.
That's how old that's " [cheers and applause.]
When you enter 100 on a Stair Master, balloons should fall from the gym's ceiling, and a banner should come out saying, "You are the Stair Master.
Go home.
" [Cheers and applause.]
Lachlan Patterson! [Cheers and applause.]
I thought you had a good set.
It's interesting that we're this far along in the competition, and it's good to see that you still got a little something left in the tank.
I thought you had a really well-constructed set.
I thought you were very funny, and [laughing.]
[Laughs.]
The pants the pants joke just makes me laugh Pants, bro? Oh, you like the pants? Thanks, man, that was my that was Thank you.
I have a teenage son, and, you know, like, one day, they go from being 5'2 " to 5'11".
That's how you look, like you just grew overnight.
Like, nothing really fits, and I'm still growing.
I think it works great for you, so, you know, keep doing your thing, man.
- Funny set.
- Thanks, bro.
Appreciate it, man.
Thank you.
Lachlan, your style is as crooked as your smile - Oh.
- Which is great.
All your jokes come out of that.
They just, like you sneak 'em in there, you know? - Thanks, man.
- And you died of 100.
You hide your microwave inside your oven.
I mean, that still makes me laugh, 'cause now I'm thinking about how to redesign my kitchen.
Smart move, bro.
I'll help you out.
You had a great set with your fine ass.
Thank you, bro.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I wanted to say that.
[Cheers and applause.]
I think you did great.
You're like a comedy miner, because you keep on digging and digging and digging, and the way you construct your jokes, after I hear you deliver a joke, I'm like, "damn, why didn't I think of that?" - You know? - Oh, I'm getting goose bumps.
I just really like the way you go deep and mine for the gold, you know? I like what? What? [Cheers and applause.]
[Laughing.]
I don't know what they're thinking.
I don't either.
Hey, stop going so deep on Roseanne, is all we're saying.
No, but, I mean you guys have dirty minds.
No, but, you know, you go right to the joke, and you keep staying there and delivering.
You did a great job with your fine ass.
Thank you.
Thank you, Roseanne.
Thank you, guys.
Let's hear it one more time for Lachlan Patterson! [Cheers and applause.]
Come on back for more great comedy after the break.
[Cheers and applause.]
- It was a good set.
- A good set.
But, you know, the first half of the set was stronger than the second half.
What he does very well is maintain composure.
It's like some people, if they slide, they can't stop.
They just it just goes like this.
With him, he can slide, stop, relax, and then get back on even ground.
Narrator: Coming up Any time I ever been stuck anywhere, my hood in the air, Papi always come to my rescue.
Narrator: Nikki Carr gets roadside assistance.
"Mami, what happen? No starty?" [Laughter and applause.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Smart move, because we have a great show for you tonight.
Before I bring out our next comic, I want you to check this out.
I've been doing stand-up comedy for 17 years.
Ever since I was a little kid, I liked making people laugh so that they'll want to be my friend.
They'll want to play with me.
I like making the grown-ups laugh so that they don't tell me to go into the other room.
So laughter has always been my thing.
You need men.
You need their point of view even if it's just to laugh at it.
[Laughs.]
I never wanted to be no lesbian.
I didn't! I didn't have a choice.
My mother always knew I wanted to be in show business.
She didn't think that I could go very far as a lesbian, and that's why I am so grateful to Last Comic Standing for this boost to my career.
The mentoring that you've gave me so far has made me a better writer.
Wanda Sykes, Amy Schumer, Howie Mandel.
All these people have taught me so much.
You're very likable onstage, and at a roast, that's currency.
And I'm gonna take that with me for the rest of my career.
You can't beat that.
They say you've been telling jokes since you were 15 years old.
That is impressive.
Keep it up.
You're bound to tell a funny one one day.
[Laughter and applause.]
I'm doing this 'cause I want my children and my grandchildren and my girlfriend to be very, very, very proud of me.
Nikki Carr, you continue to amaze me.
Thank you.
I want to win.
I want to be the Last Comic Standing.
Give it up for Nikki Carr! [Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You know, it really bothers me when people say black people are lazy.
I mean, come on.
We weren't the ones with the slaves.
We don't invent stuff to make other people lazy.
The Clapper.
Really? We don't need that.
That's what we use our kids for.
"Baby, come in here and cut this light out for mommy, please.
Thank you.
" "Oh, oh, take my glass in the kitchen while you're going, would you?" I just want America to get along like we do on that beautiful Spanish island where I was born: Bronx, New York.
[Laughs.]
I'm telling you, in the Bronx, the latinos and the blacks, we put the "unity" in "community.
" We do.
We get along so good that I have to ask myself, "man, where were they during slavery time? How come we weren't getting along like this then?" We could've really used their help back then.
We had fields of cotton to pick in the hot sun.
We had no music.
We worked to the rhythm of the slave song.
Do you know how long that took? Swing low, sweet They could've at least help us do that faster, like Swing low, bada-bada-ba-da, sweet chariot Coming for to carry me home [Cheers and applause.]
Well, now, I tell you, these people are my family and my friends.
Any time I ever been stuck anywhere, my hood in the air, Papi always come to my rescue.
Same crazy question every time: "Mami, what happen? No starty?" Black men just keep right on going.
Okay, all right, one time a black man did offer to help me.
No, he did.
He did.
I was changing my tire.
I was down with my back turned.
[Cheers and applause.]
He said he said, "yo, my man.
You need help? You good?" [Laughing.]
Whoo! I didn't even bother turning around.
I was just like, "yeah, man, I got it.
Thank you, sir.
" I'm Nikki Carr.
Thank you very much.
[Cheers and applause.]
That was Nikki Carr! [Cheers and applause.]
You look fantastic, by the way, tonight.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I love your sparkly top.
It's fantastic.
We haven't seen you looking that fancy yet, so it's cool.
Yeah, it's kind of fancy.
I feel like a mermaid.
[Laughs.]
You killed it.
You're another comic who, like, tops yourself over and over and over with new stuff that nobody but you can say, and you killed it.
Ow! Thank you.
[Cheers and applause.]
Nikki, that was a set I didn't see coming, and you've continued to do that since day one to now.
And congratulations.
You are you are just you are changing my mind daily.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, actually, I have to disagree.
The shirt underneath the sparkles initially kind of threw me off.
I was like, "she raided Patti LaBelle's closet right about now.
" [Laughs.]
Believe me, I feel like a disco ball.
But [laughter and applause.]
But it's a testament to your persona, that immediately it went from a distraction to just part of you.
And you have such a big personality onstage.
It's a real gift, and I think, like, in watching the pre-package and you talking about your love of making people laugh? That is really evident.
It's like there's never a moment in your set where the audience feels like you're drifting away from us.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That is awesome.
Thank you.
One more time for Nikki Carr! [Cheers and applause.]
When we return, our final comic will perform, and then our judges will make some big decisions.
Make sure that you come on back.
[Cheers and applause.]
I haven't heard anybody put those subjects in the way that she put 'em before.
It's not angry.
It's not self-effacing.
It's just it's the joke.
- Yeah.
- You know? - She has no apology for that.
- Yeah.
It's like that's, like, the next level, I think.
Well, you know whoever's backstage right now, their knees are knocking.
Narrator: Coming up, Joe shows off his romantic side No one chooses to be homosexual, unless someone's offering me 85 bucks.
[Laughs.]
Narrator: And later, the judges select three comics to compete for the title on next week's season finale.
And now we have to make the tough decision as to who we're gonna send home.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back.
So far we've watched three of our final four comics lay it all out on the line.
There's still one comic backstage nervously waiting, so let's do the right thing and make him wait a little bit longer before bringing him out.
Watch this.
Someone asked me why I was a comedian, and it's not a career you choose.
It kind of chooses you.
Is that how you really are, or is that a character? I tend to get very nervous when I'm onstage.
Being a stand-up comedian is really about being yourself, and there are lots of unusual people, and I'm just one of those people, so I come up with an invention every morning, like a like, for instance, this morning was a Swiss army shirt.
It's a regular shirt with a corkscrew attached.
Being on Last Comic Standing is a really neat experience.
I get to do what I love with, like, a lot of people that I think are great.
You're almost deconstructing the roast, so you want it to be really clear.
You want to be super original and have it kill.
I want to acknowledge someone who isn't here, the 94 comedians that did not advance this far.
It's nice that people are taking the time out to pay attention to you, because you struggle for a lot of years in obscurity with no guarantee of reward when you're a comedian.
The judges want to hear one more joke from each comic.
[Cheers and applause.]
I've told a lot more jokes than anyone else has.
Who is that in the White House? Is that one of Thomas Jefferson's kids? But it's more opportunity for people to see me, and that's what I want out of this.
Joe Machi! I want people across the country to think, "this is someone I'm interested in.
" Give it up for Joe Machi! [Cheers and applause.]
Say, gang, I, uh [Judges laugh.]
I always hated having to fake sick to get off work, because I am a terrible actor.
I remember calling up my boss and giving her my pre-planned story about how I had a sore throat and an upset stomach, and she's like, "okay, but why did you say that with a Southern accent?" [Laughing.]
Team, when I was in college [cheers and applause.]
When I was in college, we used to go drink a lot and do some real crazy stuff.
Why, this one time, my friend and I got so drunk, and he passed out, and then [Laughs.]
I didn't take him to the hospital.
He could've died.
Teachers say [Laughs.]
That it's not their fault students don't do very well, because they have to deal with students that don't care and parents that don't care and a society that doesn't care about education, and I think they're right.
It often doesn't matter what a teacher does.
That's why we should pay them less.
[Audience groans and laughs.]
Gang, no one chooses to be homosexual, unless someone's offering me 85 bucks.
[Cheers and applause.]
Pretty good deal.
Evolution is a strange idea, because they tell us beneficial traits survive, but how's that explain traits like wisdom teeth or ass hair? What possible use could there be for ass hair? [Women cheer.]
Does it keep you warm? No one's ever said to me on a cold day, "Joe, it is freezing.
Where is your coat?" And I'm like, "come on, guys.
You've seen my ass.
" In closing, gang, Iran keeps goading us into a war, but we took over the country to their left, Iraq, and we took over the country to their right, Afghanistan.
It's almost like no one in Iran has ever played risk before.
And maybe Iran has one nuclear weapon.
America has so many nuclear weapons that over the years, we've lost eight of them in the ocean.
Do you guys know how hard it is to lose eight of anything? [Laughs.]
I can't even lose one virginity.
[Cheers and applause.]
Thank you, everyone.
I'm Joe Machi.
[Cheers and applause.]
[Cheering.]
That was Joe Machi, everybody.
Thank you, everyone.
Joe, you know, it's interesting.
I've been following you through this competition, and you've changed.
And I feel like I'm on the TV Show Catfish, you know? Like, you started out as this kind of nervous, really awkward guy, and now you have this confidence and this, like, twinkle, and I feel like I got tricked.
Like, I you know? It's like I fell in love with the awkward guy, and now this guy comes out.
And I think for me, I kind of think you get away with more when it's uncomfortable, when you seem uncomfortable, you know? That's not to say that you didn't have a - I am uncomfortable now.
- No.
You get away with more, you have more edge, when the audience kind of feels like you're not quite all there, if you understand what I'm you know what I mean? Yep, I totally understand.
But beyond that, you've been great throughout the competition.
You had a great set tonight.
Oh, thank you, Keenen.
Thank you.
Joe Machi continues to amaze me throughout this whole competition.
I believe he's had the most sets to do out of any comic in the competition, and you got great stuff, and you continue to deliver.
Congratulations, Joe.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, everybody.
Well, you know I love you, Joe.
Oh, I appreciate that.
And I think you had a great set, but it's like, wow, how much material does this guy have? All of it fresh, all of it different.
Great writer, great delivery.
I like that you got more confident.
I think I just got a little more used to this - the big stage.
- Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
I think you just killed it, Joe.
I think, once again, you killed it.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
Put your hands together for Joe Machi.
[Cheers and applause.]
When we return, playtime is over.
Find out which comic will be in next week's title showdown.
Stay tuned.
[Cheers and applause.]
He felt a little inconsistent and a little gimmicky.
- He became shtick-y? - Yeah, he became shtick-y, and that's kind of what I felt tonight.
I'm gonna disagree.
He got huge laughs on difficult material.
- Yes.
- His was - I think his was more pedestrian.
- Less difficult material.
I think he pulled the trigger a little better.
- Right.
- Oh, my God.
I totally disagree with both of you guys.
We're gonna have to arm-wrestle for it or something.
Narrator: Coming up, next week's season finale only has standing room for three.
Find out which three when we return.
The first comic claiming a spot in next week's finale is - I'm always scared right here.
- Yeah? Yeah, this is the part that makes me nervous and scared.
The waiting.
I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to win this thing, guys.
- Sorry.
- Well I don't think that's gonna happen, - but good luck.
- Thank you.
I think you all have a good chance.
Everybody got 25%.
That's what I did with the numbers I came up with.
You did some math? Yeah, yeah, I was like, "it's four of us.
" I'm a fan of everybody that's here.
I think Nikki's funny.
I think Joe is funny.
I think Lachlan's funny.
But I'm the best comedian, so, yeah, I think I'm gonna move on and be the Last Comic Standing.
Yeah.
How are you feeling tonight, sir? I'm nervous, but that's a good thing, 'cause if I wasn't nervous, then I'd be kind of weirded out, 'cause I'm usually nervous.
The nicest thing about this is, I have gotten to meet some other comedians I wouldn't have met.
We kind of run in different circles.
You know, Rod Man's based in L.
A.
, and I'm a New York guy.
Nikki's in New York, but we haven't done the same shows, which is, you know, kind of disappointing, 'cause, like, she's such a nice person.
Oh, and Lachlan, you know, he's Canadian, but he lives in L.
A.
, and I just never even met him before.
But they're all very nice people.
The way I feel right now is, I'm a winner.
I'm the last female standing.
None of you guys can take that.
Now you got too many causes.
[Laughter.]
Well, they say funny stays.
Yeah, that's true, but everybody funny now.
They got to make a decision.
There's got to be a weakest link.
Win or lose, this is all like a dream come true, and if I do wake up, I hope I wake up with $250,000.
That would be great.
Whatever happens tonight - Good luck.
- Good luck to everybody.
- We all winners.
- All winners.
All winners.
- Oh.
- Oh, lord.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
We just watched Rod Man, Lachlan, Nikki, and Joe bring down the house.
The question now is, which three comics will be in next week's finale to compete for our grand prize of $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing, baby? [Cheers and applause.]
Judges, I have your results in my hand right here.
Before I read them, give us your thoughts about tonight's show.
R.
P.
, any thoughts? None of you have made this easy for us.
You continuously outdo yourselves.
Every time we think we've seen the best out of you, you show us a little bit better.
And whoever's going home tonight, America knows who you are now, and America loves you.
[Cheers and applause.]
Roseanne, please.
Somebody's got to go home, and it was hard.
It took a lot of discussion and weighing, and, you know, all of that aside, every one of you are great comics.
You're great writers, you're great performers, and it was wonderful to watch you.
[Applause.]
Keenen, thoughts? We've invested in you guys along the way, and we've rooted for you all, and now we have to make the tough decision as to who we're gonna send home.
It's funny.
As the show started tonight, I was again rooting for everybody, and then I realized, "God, it would be easier if somebody had just bombed.
" - Yup.
- You know? And nobody did that.
And so for all of you standing on that stage tonight, my congratulations.
You're amazing comedians.
You've done a great job, and I wish you all the best.
[Cheers and applause.]
We always say, "there are no losers.
Everybody just can't win.
" [Laughter.]
That's the coldest thing I ever heard, J.
B.
[Laughter.]
Sometimes J.
B.
go deep on you, baby.
All right.
Let's do this.
[Dramatic music.]
The first comic claiming a spot in next week's finale is Rod Man, baby.
[Cheers and applause.]
It feels great.
Final three.
If I win, I want some confetti or something I don't know and a belt.
Yeah, a Last Comic Standing belt.
Like a wrestling-type belt.
Yeah.
The second comic claiming a spot in next week's finale is [Laughter.]
[Laughter.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing! - Yeah.
- Whoo! Let's do this.
The second comic claiming a spot in next week's finale is [Dramatic music.]
Nikki Carr.
[Cheers and applause.]
I was so overwhelmed.
I got a little emotional when I heard my name.
Happy tears, happy tears everywhere.
I'm feeling like maybe I can win this thing.
Who knows? The comic claiming the third and final spot is Lachlan Patterson.
[Cheers and applause.]
Never would've thought I'd get this far.
Never would've thought in a million years.
Going from 100 down to Congratulations, Lachlan.
Come on over, Joe.
[Cheers and applause.]
- Joe, we've loved you.
- We love you, Joe! We've loved having you on the show.
[Cheers and applause.]
Normally I don't have to compete against other comics, but on the flip side of that, normally no one's at my shows, and no one comes to see me 'cause I'm not a name that people know.
Hopefully now people will come to see my shows and buy t-shirts that are overpriced that have my picture on it.
I'm sure there's nothing but good things that are coming your way, Joe.
Give it up for Joe.
Fourth is nothing compared to how talented he is.
I love Joe Machi, and I wish him all the best.
Good luck to you, brother.
Blow this thing up.
Boom, pound it out.
Joe will be on the last comic standing tour this fall.
Let's hear it one more time for my man Joe Machi.
[Cheers and applause.]
Join us next week for our exciting, climactic, two-hour season finale.
Good night.
[Cheers and applause.]
Narrator: Next week on Last Comic Standing, it all comes down to this, our special two-hour season finale for all the marbles.
Well it's about damn time, don't you think? Narrator: A season that began with 100 talented comics will end with 1.
That's right! It is about to be on.
Narrator: Get ready for laughs [Laughs wryly.]
I'd like to buy a backwards k with a line on top.
Narrator: And surprises I thought it was the emergency broadcasting system or something.
Narrator: With special performances by the comic comeback winner.
.
My boy Alingon Mitra! Narrator: And our celebrity judges Russell Peters When this show first came on the air, people were like, "oh, my God, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
"Oh, my God, Roseanne Barr.
Who the hell's that Latin guy?" Narrator: And the one and only Roseanne Barr.
You're welcome, America.
Narrator: And then we'll see the final performances of the competition.
One of these three comics will win $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the coveted title of Last Comic Standing.