Last Comic Standing (2003) s08e81 Episode Script
Top 100 Joke Countdown
Tonight, get ready to laugh.
Burn the house down.
A special edition of Last Comic Standing.
Oh, I know I look like a quarterback, but inside, I am all cheerleader.
Whoo! Whoo! We're counting down the top 100 jokes of the season So far.
So let's get right to it.
Sometimes people can't tell what ethnicity I am.
Like, one guy said to me, "why don't you go back to making tacos?" I was like, "I'm Indian.
" The guy was like, "I don't care.
Your break was over a half an hour ago.
" My parents are super into gambling.
I was home in Atlanta a few weeks ago, and I noticed that there was a slot machine in my old bedroom.
I was like, "dad, why did you buy a slot machine?" And then he looks at me like I'm the idiot and goes, "for practice.
" I married a comedian.
Yeah.
Yeah.
People always say, "wow, it must be so much fun at your house.
It must be nonstop laughter all the time.
" And I'm like, "well, she's still a woman" "Compassionate and understanding," if you'd let me finish.
I can do one pull-up.
Yeah.
That's how many pull-ups I can do one.
That's where I stop at one.
A lot of people will tell me, like, "Tommy, why don't you work harder? Why don't you practice? Then maybe you could do more than just one pull-up.
" But I think one pull-up is the perfect amount of pull-ups to be able to do, 'cause when in real life are you ever gonna have to do more than one pull-up, right? When is that situation ever gonna happen? Like, even if you're hanging off a cliff, you just got to get up there one time.
"I did it.
I thought I was gonna die, but then I remembered I could do one pull-up, so I lived.
Let's head home.
" I snore.
I snore loudly.
You can't just fall asleep when you snore now, 'cause I get tired.
I was on the plane ride here.
The flight attendant came rushing over to me, and she said, "listen, ma'am, you gonna have to wake up, 'cause every time you close your eyes, it sounds like we're having engine failure.
" We have a lot of kids, so our romance has really gone down the crapper.
So I went home and asked my husband I'm like, "do you want to do a fantasy?" And he's like, "yeah, what fantasy do you want to do?" And I'm like, "let's do the schoolgirl fantasy.
" And he's like, "all right, I'll get my skirt.
" I was having breakfast with my 12-year-old just her and I, having a little breakfast, father-daughter moment.
She looks at me for no reason, she goes, "oh, by the way, I had my first period.
" She wants advice.
What kind of advice could I give her? I was like, "uh Walk it off.
" In eighth grade, my mom signed me up for that Big Brothers Big Sisters of America program 'cause I had "no strong male role model" in my life.
And you know who that ticked off, was my dad, who was an interior decorator.
Yeah, my dad gave me my y chromosome, it's just mine was in cursive.
I used to be a cougar.
Now I'm more of a zoo cougar.
I don't hunt anymore.
Now I just kind of lay around my habitat, and every now and then, one of the little 28-year-old falls over the side, right? "Oh, excuse me.
" I went to school with a set of siamese twins that were joined at the hands.
They were unbeatable at Red Rover.
I grew up in the Cincinnati area, and when I was12, we went on a family vacation to Milwaukee.
And if you don't know, Milwaukee and Cincinnati are the same place.
We drove seven hours in a car to go to the same place.
We went to Milwaukee because my dad was collecting postcards at the time and there was a postcard convention in Milwaukee.
So we drove seven hours in a car to see tiny pictures of other, better vacations.
"Wish you were here.
" I do! I just got a Groupon offer for the museum of tolerance.
Um, holocaust museum.
And I feel like it's good.
You know, it's actually good for people who do want to pay their respects to this tragic event in history, but, like, not at full price.
People don't know how to use the word "ghetto" in context.
I was at a dinner party with my friend Becky, and at the end of the night, she was like, "I'm gonna roll ghetto-style.
" I was like, oh, snap.
What's she gonna do? Pull out a pack of newports or a gun? I don't know! She pulls out a Tupperware container and fills it with Carrots and crudites.
That's not ghetto.
Ghetto would be if she named her child "Crudites.
" My mom would steal and bring me with her, but I never knew I was doing anything wrong, because she made it fun.
There was this little game we'd play called "hold this.
" Best part about buffet, no waiters to bother me.
I love that.
Imagine if they put waiters in buffet restaurants, trying to intercept you on your trip up there.
"What can I get for you?" "The hell out of my way.
" My oldest son just turned 14 in January.
Let me tell you something, man.
You know what he wanted for his birthday? A gym membership.
Scared the hell out of me, 'cause I'm like, "yo, this is it.
He's trying to take me out.
He's gonna wrestle me down for supremacy of man of the house.
" I had to get two memberships.
I'm scared.
I'm stressed out, man.
He's doing push-ups at the house, looking at me the whole time.
He's like, "18, 19, 27, 89.
" I'm like, "why are you looking at me?" He's like, "no, I'm just looking in your direction, dad.
" Like, "why? Well, get out of the bathroom.
I'm in here.
" When I was in third grade, my single dad forgot picture day.
I hope you don't mind if I photobomb your class picture with these yellow sweatpants and this dirty Bart Simpson t-shirt my mom won't let me wear.
Also, I have not showered in three days, and I'm pretty sure this kool-aid mustache is now permanent.
Oh, you want to put me in the back? You can't.
I'm too short, actually.
So it looks like my parents' divorce is everybody's problem now, huh? I'm cruising through amish country, right? It's snowing out.
I'm in a rent-a-car, so I'm speeding a little bit.
I come around the corner, and I see this amish guy starting to cross the street to go to his mailbox.
And my first thought was, "well, if I hit him, "I'll be out of the state before anybody here gets to a phone.
" I got a genuine fear of Alzheimer's disease.
My friend heard me say that.
He says, "Keith, you should switch deodorants.
There's aluminum in antiperspirant, which they think contributes to Alzheimer's.
You should try using a natural deodorant like Tom's.
" So I did.
I tried Tom's natural deodorant for a week.
I don't know who Tom is.
I bet you he's laughing his way to the bank.
That stuff does not work.
I'd have better luck rubbing a rabbit's foot under my pits.
It says right there, "all-day protection.
" Really? From what? Girls? Not working.
So in New York, a lot of women sell churros in the subway.
And I'm like, who is buying all of these churros? Somebody is, because these women are out there consistently, you know? These women are out there so much that I'm convinced that this is a profitable business venture.
You know, they're out there getting all this unregulated tax-free churro money.
I'ma tell you something.
I want in.
I want in, and before I leave this room tonight, I want to know who I got to take out to be the new head of the churro pyramid.
Who is it? Is it Marta? It's Marta, isn't it? Well, you deliver this message to Marta.
There's a new churro queen in town.
You know, Shakir, you had 4 1/2 minutes, and you really did talk about churros for 4 1/2 minutes.
I thought you were gonna be more ironic about it, but you went there, buddy.
Um Roseanne? I thought it was really good.
It was so different.
I've never seen anything like it.
I mean, you know, you're unique, you're different.
I thought it was great.
I liked it.
Thank you so much.
We'll be back with more after this.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood, which meant I actually thought I was Jewish until I turned 13 and did not have a bat mitzvah.
I was so excited.
I went to my mom like, "mom, I'm 'bout to become a woman.
" She was like, "Chloe, we're black.
" "Mom, how dare you? This is the worst hanukkah ever.
" I don't like things that remind me of slavery.
It's one of the main reasons I don't eat cotton candy.
That's right.
But my mother's one of these people she's overdressed for every occasion, you know? And her favorite look is, like, the captain of a ship, you know? She loves to wear, like, starched pants with a fitted blazer, some sort of gold emblem on it.
She's walking around like she's in charge of something.
Everyone at T.
J.
Maxx thinks she's from the corporate office, you know? When you're a man and you can't do stuff, you don't admit it, right? My girlfriend's car got a flat tire.
I was just like "Ehhh I think we should see other people.
" I go to a thug barbershop in my neighborhood.
That's where I get my hair cut.
The thug barbershop's the only place you go to get your hair cut, and right after he's done, the guy who just cut your hair makes fun of the haircut that he just gave you.
I was out there the other day.
The guy cuts my hair.
Right afterwards, he looks at me.
He goes, "oh, snap.
" Goes, "you look like Bobby from king of the hill, son.
" Like, I'm not a manly man.
Oh, I know I look like a quarterback, but inside, I am all cheerleader.
Like, if I was strangling one of you right now, you'd be like, "oh, your hands are so soft.
Death tickles.
" Before I get started, I just would like to say that something very terrible happened to me.
I was a victim of a fonzi scheme.
That's the last time I'll trust a Jewish man impersonating an Italian man.
Take it from a guy who kind of looks like a cop don't drink and drive.
I was recently pulled over for driving on the wrong side of the road.
Cop was like, "are you drunk?" I'm like, "dude, I'm not drunk.
The woman on my GPS is from England.
" The other question that people ask is, "when are you gonna have kids?" You know, "when are the kids coming?" I don't know.
It's expensive! It's really expensive, but they try to guilt you into it, you know? They're like, "oh, yeah, Tim, if you don't have your own child, who's gonna take care of you when you grow really old?" And I'm like, "you know what? It's gonna be that super hot Swedish nurse that I hire using the money I saved by not having children.
" And then they're like, "but she's not gonna love you the same way your own child will.
" I'm like, "I know.
That's why it's so expensive.
" It's hard.
I'm in all black right now because it's hard to shop as a big girl.
You know, they want to put us in animal prints.
Tiger, cow, werewolf I can't go to the Bronx zoo without somebody trying to put a tranquilizer dart in my ass.
I've always loved the old classic college rivalry.
'Cause you get to crack jokes, poke fun at whoever your rival is.
Every school's got some goofy joke.
"Hey, I heard if you drive through your campus slow enough with your window rolled down, they'll throw a diploma in your car.
" "You guys are stupid.
Get it?" I'll never have jokes like that, 'cause I went to vocational college.
Not a lot of tradition to fall back on when you go to appalachian industrial tech.
The fighting spot welders.
Who am I gonna make fun of with my education? "Where'd you go?" "Chattahoochee Hvac Tech.
Get a load of this guy.
" "Hey, hey, answer me this.
You know how many chattahoochee grads it takes to install a two-ton R22 Goodman evaporator coil?" "Zero.
None of 'em are EPA certified.
Beat it, nerd.
" Having a baby will change your relationship though.
Boy.
Wow.
Yeah.
John came down the other day, and he's like, "we need to start doing it more.
" I'm like, "oh, stop.
You're turning me on.
" Stop.
And here's the thing.
I don't care if we never have sex again.
I don't care.
I do not care.
At all.
All I think of the whole time is, like, "I need to clean that fan.
" My friends are always trying to get me to go day drinking.
They're like, "hey, man.
Let's do some day drinking.
" I'm like, "sure, I like going to bed at 7:00.
Let's party.
I like sleeping with my clothes on.
" Day drinking.
Guys' number one fear with online dating is you're gonna show up to the date, and the girl's not gonna look exactly like her photo, right? That's generally the fear guys have, right? She'll be a bit bigger, right? Women's number one fear is that they're gonna be murdered.
Like That's how radically disproportionate that is.
Guys are just like, "I hope she's not an uggo.
" Women are like, "I hope my head's still with me at the end of this date.
" Alzheimer's would be a lot easier to prevent and avoid if you could just catch it like an STD.
But it's not that easy.
You're not gonna hear somebody go, "hey, watch out for Kathy.
Pretty sure she got Alzheimer's.
I went out with her last week, and now It burns when I think.
" Oh, I'm aggressively going bald at the age of 27.
That's what I'm up to.
Can't do the normal bald guy thing and shave my head and pretend I chose to be bald.
I can't do that, 'cause I've got an odd-shaped head.
It's kind of shaped like a light bulb.
If I shaved my head, everywhere I went, people would just think my shoulders were having a great idea.
I actually grew up in Nashville, Tennessee.
I am the product of a biracial marriage.
My father is African-American, and my mother is black.
I have been trying to, like, take care of myself this year.
I gained 15 pounds last year.
Please, it was my pleasure.
I'd do it all again if I could.
But I have, I've been trying.
I've been going to the gym.
And all my friends are like, "oh, it's great you're going to the gym.
You can meet guys at the gym, you know?" And I'm like I don't have any pickup lines at the gym.
Like, the best thing I can come up with is, like, "hey, who are we kidding?" Ah You know you're in a bad neighborhood if you see a person in a wheelchair using their legs to kick themselves backwards through the intersection.
How is that person still the fastest person in the intersection? I went to a terrible high school.
I went to Martin Luther King high school.
Yeah, my school was definitely not his dream.
We'll be back with more after this.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
People get kind of weirded out when they hear me speak.
I get it.
The audio doesn't exactly match the visual.
A buddy of mine he's such a jerk.
He said to me once he goes, "you know what, Brian? You look like you could star in a kung fu movie and then dub your own voiceovers.
" Apparently the Mexican-American war is over.
What? No one told Arizona.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
People are like, "Emily, maybe you should read a book.
" Mm, we don't read in Phoenix.
The university is online.
My mom is learning how to text.
And I encouraged it at first, but she's made it clear that that was a mistake, because I sent her a message the other day, and she called me back because that's how she replies to text messages.
She calls you back.
And she says, "hey, Erin, in that message you sent me earlier, what does btw stand for?" Right? So I tell her, it stands for "by the way.
" And she says, "oh, yeah.
I guess that makes more sense.
" Yeah, I was like, "more sense? What'd you think it stood for?" "Booker T.
Washington," she said.
In 2014, that's her first guess.
"Booker T.
Washington, what time are we meeting for dinner?" That's what she thought I went with.
Oh, maybe I'll try something a little less edgy then.
Have you guys ever noticed that black people And white people are the same? I'm looking for comfortable shoes that won't make me look like a biblical character.
It's really difficult.
I know the girls know what I'm talking about.
I went to the shoe store.
I told the lady I was like, "I need some comfortable shoes.
" This lady brought out the most hideous-looking shoes.
I said, "oh, hell, no.
" "I cannot I am not trying to be one of Tracy Chapman's backup dancers, okay? "These are birth control shoes.
That's what they are.
" Can I tell you guys about a show that I'm obsessed with right now? It's called my strange addiction.
So, for example, they had this girl.
I don't remember her name, but she was kind of big, and she she eats mattresses.
She eats the she's a big fat girl who eats look, there's not a nicer way to say it.
Big fat girl, she eats mattresses.
She's not ashamed.
I'm not shaming her.
She looks right at the camera and she goes, "after I have sex, that's when I like to eat me some mattress.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
So imagine that.
You have sex with a fat girl, and then she eats the mattress.
My sister-in-law she had an adorable little blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl.
And I love my niece, but she keeps calling me Miss Tracey instead of Aunt Tracey.
That's annoying.
I'm her aunt.
My husband, he finally asked me.
He said, "baby, what's the big deal that she calls you Miss Tracey?" I said, "baby, when she calls me miss Tracey, "I feel like I need to respond, 'you is kind.
'You is smart.
You is important.
'" This year I lost a few friends to babies.
Very Very debilitating disease.
Suffer from exhaustion.
My question is, "why?" Why do we congratulate people when they have kids? Shouldn't we wait and see how they turn out first? Yeah! Yeah.
When I was a kid and I wanted to do something that my mom thought was weird, and all my friends were doing it, she would always say this to me.
She would always go, "well, if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" So I was like, "I don't know, mom.
"Might be kind of sad.
All my friends just died.
" The times is different, man.
You know, I don't even have keys on my key chain no more.
I don't have keys.
I just got membership cards of every store I go in.
You ever you got that on your key chain? You're like, "man, I go to a lot of stores.
" 'Cause I'm a member of a lot of stores.
Like, I'm a member of all the drugstores.
I don't know why at all, but I'm a member of all the drugstores.
And some of the drugstores' programs, I don't want to be a part of, 'cause they tell me I'ma get a reward, but I never get anything at all.
I just yeah, never get nothing.
All I get is a long receipt.
That's all I get is a long receipt with stuff that I can't use on the receipt, you know? Yeah, I'll be like, "man, this is way too much receipt "for a pack of gum.
I know I should not have this much receipt.
" Yeah, 'cause I thought I was filling out taxes one time, the lady gave me so much receipt.
One time, a dj was like, "I want y'all to scream like you ain't never screamed before.
" So I was like Aaaaaaahhhhhh! Aaaaahhhhh! Grew up very poor.
My mom used to get all my clothes at the thrift shop.
I came to class looking like a 12-year-old golf pro with a drinking problem.
I'd like to have a catchphrase.
I think that could be amazing.
I'm working on one.
I do need to work it into conversation.
So I'm gonna ask you a question.
What do you do for a living? Tell it to my balls! Hate to start off with bad news, but I did just get some.
Found out that my penis lost its job.
So if you know of any openings it can fill All the way up.
Stand up.
There were two black kids at my school, me and Keisha.
I was also known as "oops, I thought you was Keisha.
" Now you guys may have noticed that I am unusually large for a homosexual.
I am not certain why this is the case.
My current working theory is that once my parents realized I was going to be gay, they figured they might as well raise the largest one in the county.
If they're not getting grandchildren out of the deal, at least they could get a blue ribbon.
I'm from Puerto Rico.
Yes.
Which means I'm a black person that speaks Spanish or a Mexican with papers whatever you want to call me.
Everywhere you go, there's different animal attack scenarios.
I was in Florida.
This guy was like, "if it's an alligator, run in a zigzag.
Everybody knows that.
" I hadn't heard that.
Aren't alligator eyes on the sides of their head? Wouldn't they see you more if you're zigzagging? "There he is.
"He's back.
Good thing he's running like a weirdo.
" You know what's not safe? These fathers walking around with babies in pouches attached to the fronts of their bodies.
It's the cockiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
That says, "look, I get women pregnant, "I make them have the baby, then I wear the baby as jewelry.
" People often say the villain of the lion king is scar.
I don't think it is.
You know who it is? The jerk parents who named their child "scar" after he was born with a scar on his face.
What kind of name is scar? That would be like, "allow me to introduce you to my two sons, Timothy and Cleft Palate.
" We'll be back with more after this.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
Do you know girls are getting boob jobs for graduation now? Shouldn't that be what you get if you don't graduate? "Oh, I heard you failed math.
"Here's a couple of Ds.
Go follow your dreams.
" My last job nine hard years.
And do you know, they fired me for nothing? True story.
After nine years, my boss just gonna walk in my office, wake me up, and tell me to go home and don't never come back.
When I was younger, we didn't have a lot of money, so I couldn't even afford to come out of the closet 'cause yeah, we lived in an efficiency, so I had to come out from behind a curtain that separated the kitchen from the living room.
"I got something to tell you!" I'm surprised anybody's attracted to men.
Even women aren't really attracted to us.
That's why when women flash, it's called girls gone wild.
When men flash, it's called America's most wanted.
These hairstyles have gotten crazy.
You remember when weave was just a little additive, just a little help? It was just a little help.
She wanted to go all the way around.
Couldn't go all the way around.
Needed a little help.
Now weave has turned into the whole hairstyle.
I was talkin' to this girl at the mall.
She scratched her head.
Her whole hairstyle came off.
It was crazy.
She was like, "ooh, I seen you on TV.
You crazy as hell.
You stupid, you know that?" I was talking to this fellow the other day.
He was, like, a college professor.
He's like, "so tell me, sir, what's your extraction?" I'm like, "duh, vanilla.
" He's like, "no, what's your nationality?" I said, "I'm Japanese.
" He goes, "you're not Japanese.
You're Asian-American.
" Like, "oh, sorry.
Didn't mean to offend myself.
" I used to drink a lot, and then they put a breathalyzer in my car, and I thought, "oh, maybe I have a problem.
" I had to take my mother-in-law to the airport with a breathalyzer in my car.
She's a very sweet woman from the Midwest.
She didn't know what it was.
She gets in, she's like, "Dave, thank you so much for taking me to the airport.
" "Not a problem, mom.
Happy to help you out.
" "No, you're a good man.
" "Okay, it's not a big deal.
" "No, you're just a good man for my daughter.
" "Okay, relax.
" "What does that do?" "It starts the car.
" "My car uses keys.
" "Well, this is new.
" "What if it doesn't start when you blow into it?" "Then you're gonna have to blow into it.
" I just learned that my foster mom made $750 a month just to take care of me.
If I would've known that as a kid, she would have never been able to punish me.
It's like, "Monroe, you've been acting up in school.
You can't watch TV for a week.
" "I can't watch TV? Woman, I pay the cable bill.
" So I saw a guy, I said, "sir, baby in a pouch, not safe.
I'm a volunteer firefighter.
Please remove the baby.
" He said, "I'm a firefighter.
I'm an actual firefighter.
Why don't you get out of my face?" I said, "dude, maybe you didn't hear me.
I'm a volunteer firefighter.
That means I can do your entire job in my spare time.
" I was riding good in the carpool lane one day, and a little police on a motorcycle get behind me In a hurry.
And I said, "man, he is after somebody.
Let me get out the way.
" Yeah, I'm trying to get out the way, but he pulls right behind me.
So I'm like, "well, maybe I'm a witness or something.
I don't know what's going on, but I'll help him.
" And he came up to the car, and he's like, "sir, you can't be in this lane unless you have another occupant in the vehicle.
" And I said, "man, you are using thesaurus words right there, 'cause you don't hear 'occupant' every day.
" Yeah, so but I looked at him, and I looked at his motorcycle, and I say, "you don't have another occupant on your motorcycle, so" Yeah, so I was like, "matter of fact, why don't you leave your motorcycle and get in the car with me? And then that way we both will be in compliance.
" That's what I'm saying.
Arizona has the most grandparents.
Seriously, like, 80% of the tourism is funerals.
This is more of an advertisement.
I'm sorry.
I have to do this.
My roommate curt and his friend Rod just opened a business.
It's online, check it out: Curt and Rod's Curtain Rods.
I was dating this girl for a while, you know.
She loved animals and outdoors, and she always wanted to go camping, you know.
She said, "let's go camping.
We'll sleep outside.
" I'm like, "I don't want to sleep outside.
That's why I work.
" If we do have kids, I don't want to be one of these parents who are always showing people photos of their children.
It's annoying.
My wife has a friend like that.
She's always showing people pictures of her kid.
Just "look at my kid.
Have you seen my kid? "Picture of my kid.
Look at my kid.
"Look at my kid.
Picture of my kid.
"Have you seen my kid? Look at my kid.
Picture of my kid.
Look at my" it's like, relax.
It's been two years.
You're not gonna find him.
Rednecks and gay dudes hate each other.
You can Google that.
Bunch of stuff pops up.
What I've noticed is what they hate more than each other sleeves.
We'll be back with more after this.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
Celery's actually classified as a negative calorie food.
There are two calories in one stick of celery.
But if you eat it, it takes your body ten calories to process it.
You could kill yourself eating celery.
Comedy's the best gig ever.
I used to work as a janitor.
I remember one day I was mopping the floor, and a businessman slipped.
And he goes man.
If the floor's wet, you got to put a sign down.
" I'm like, "I'm mopping in front of you.
I am the sign, all right? You know the little guy on the sign doing this? That's me, but in 3D.
" I really enjoy the prescription drug commercials.
They got one it's my favorite.
It's for home-use catheters for women.
Right, ladies? Finally.
Glass ceiling shattered.
They got a number you can call at the end, and if you call it, you get six free catheters to try out with prescription only.
You know, to stop all the recreational catheter users.
Have you ever talked to a teenage girl? It's very fast, it's very It comes in very rapid.
"You don't even know.
You don't even know.
You don't even know.
" It's always code red too.
It's always, "oh, my God!" Everything is, "oh, my God!" "Oh, my God! That guy just got shot in the face.
Oh, my God! I can't find my charger.
" Same, same.
They're the same.
Found out that I can't eat rat poison.
Yeah.
I am rat poison intolerant.
Paramedic told me.
Said, "stop eating rat poison, Tim.
" So I quit.
It's tough, had to go on the patch.
Thank God for the patch, it saved my life.
They got a patch for everything these days.
You want to quit smoking, they have a patch.
You know, birth control, they have a patch.
Yeah, if you got an eye missing People get very upset when you make fun of religion.
Some woman even came up to me after a show.
She got right in my face, and she said, "you know, someday, you are gonna meet your maker.
" And I said, "well, good, 'cause there's a customer service moment I've been waiting for for a long time.
" What'd you do? Cobble me together out of leftover parts? I think the angels threw me together on a Friday before a long weekend, and they were like, "all right, what do we have left? What do we have left? Let's see, we got a lazy eye, bipolar.
Hey, this'll be fun.
Let's make her gay.
" "Should we give her a sense of humor?" "Well, we better, 'cause we're out of boobs.
" For those who don't know, Roots is like Star Wars for black folks.
It's a rite of passage.
Except we don't have the conventions, you know? My ex-boyfriend, he calls me crazy.
He calls me crazy.
I was a little crazy, but not the way he thinks I'm crazy.
You know, what he thought was crazy, that's what I'm supposed to do.
Like, I ain't crazy 'cause I called the cops on him.
I'm crazy 'cause I bailed him out the next day.
I ain't crazy 'cause I keyed the car.
I'm crazy 'cause it was my car.
I feel like he was asking me to be crazy, and he didn't know he was asking me to be crazy.
Like, if I walk in the house and you're having sex with somebody else, you're basically saying, "Zainab, burn the house down.
" I was walking through the park the other day.
I see this old man doing Tai Chi.
I'm like, "that's cool.
" Then I look closer, and it's not an old man doing Tai Chi.
It's one of those heroin guys that never falls over.
But I love my kids, man.
We'll have game nights and stuff like that.
I role-play when we play Monopoly too.
Like, I'm a Slumlord when we play Monopoly.
I don't smoke in real life, but when we play Monopoly, I smoke Newports.
Got to get into the character.
All that little low-budget property between go and the jailhouse, that's all me.
Heard if you see a wolf, you're not supposed to smile.
Takes the teeth as a sign of aggression.
Yeah, I don't know who sees a wolf and goes I have a 17-year-old daughter.
I love her, but I don't like her that much.
She came home to me the other day and told me she had a bully.
I said, "what you have is a year to 'do something' about it before it's a felony.
That's what you have.
" Tried online dating.
I joined one of those sites.
I paid $120.
I met the worst human being I've ever met in my entire life.
I was like, "yeah, I'm pretty sure I could've met this dude outside a liquor store for free.
" Right? I'm not gay, but according to the people I'm close to, I am very gay-looking, which is Which sucks kind of, 'cause I can't do a lot of the things straight-looking people get to do, man.
Never get to eat an ice cream cone the way I really want to, right? What? Come on.
I like to be out here in California, man.
Y'all got a lot of things we don't have in the South, like y'all got real Hispanic people.
Not the ones that was born in America, the ones who woke up Saturday and was like, "mm, let's go to America.
" Those are my favorite people.
I was ridin' around earlier.
I saw a accident.
Two Mexican guys, they rear-ended each other, right? Rear-end.
I'm thinkin' they gonna get out of the car, call their insurance like regular people.
Don't you know these dudes got out of the car and started fixin' each other car? Coming up next, we will reveal the top ten jokes of the season.
And now, without further ado, the best ten jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
I knew when I was a child I was not gonna grow up to be sexy.
There were clues everywhere.
I've been this same size since I was seven years old.
True story.
This is how I look in all my school pictures.
Looked like two teachers in the class.
If they did design video games for women, they'd have some advantages.
Like, if you screwed up, the game would just let you keep playing.
But it'd never let you forget what you did wrong earlier.
Oh, no.
No.
Could you imagine Oprah Winfrey in the underground rail road? "If you look under your chairs" "Freedom!" "You get a map.
You get a map.
You get a map.
" Foster care is a program where they take children from homes where they're being abused and neglected.
They take them out of that environment and place them in the same exact environment.
I was in Orange County yesterday, you know, and I went to the Zoo.
You ever been there? Oh, what a piece of crap that place is.
They had a sign in the bathroom.
It said, "no smoking or eating.
" Who the hell's gonna eat in the bathroom at a Zoo? Be like, "hey, the Zoo don't smell bad enough.
Let's go have a snack in the John.
" I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.
I went online to become a private detective.
It was a private detective school online, and I paid online.
Then I never heard from them again.
I thought to myself, "I either got ripped off, or this is my first case.
" I ordered a pizza, and on the box it said "9/11.
Never forget.
" And forgive me for being preachy for just a moment, but I think that's just what the terrorists would want, for us to continue to be sad remembering that terrible day.
Then I realized They forgot my bread sticks.
How about never forgetting my bread sticks? Put that on the box.
What the hell is wrong with people? My last flight, this woman gets on the plane with a cat.
And the cat has this little orange vest on it that says, "therapy cat.
" Does this mean next time I fly, I can bring my companion, drinky-time squirrel? Yeah, he keeps me company so I don't have to drink alone.
I mean, he doesn't have a vest, but he is wearing a tank top that says "spring break '98.
" I don't know who started this little program where you check yourself out, but, uh That is not what I'm trying to do.
I'm a shopper.
I came in as a shopper.
I want to leave as a shopper, but yeah, 'cause they trick you to be a employee and get on the clock.
The lady tricked me.
She's like, "there is no waiting over here, sir.
" And, you know, I go over there, and she just walked the hell away.
And I was like, "whoa.
" Like, "where are you going, ma'am? Where are you going?" And she's like, "you can check yourself out.
" And I'm like, "but I don't work here.
" I shouldn't have to do that at all, you know? Yeah, I was like, "these are my clothes.
These are my clothes.
" She felt like I was qualified, so I said, "what the hell, turn on my light.
I guess I'm open.
I guess I'm open.
" I hate racism.
That is why I think there is only one good use for the N word.
That is for my bank password.
Because I would never blurt that out to anyone.
Even if I were being robbed by a black man And he were to say, "dude, give me your password.
" I would be like, "I can't.
I would turn this robbery into a homicide.
"
Burn the house down.
A special edition of Last Comic Standing.
Oh, I know I look like a quarterback, but inside, I am all cheerleader.
Whoo! Whoo! We're counting down the top 100 jokes of the season So far.
So let's get right to it.
Sometimes people can't tell what ethnicity I am.
Like, one guy said to me, "why don't you go back to making tacos?" I was like, "I'm Indian.
" The guy was like, "I don't care.
Your break was over a half an hour ago.
" My parents are super into gambling.
I was home in Atlanta a few weeks ago, and I noticed that there was a slot machine in my old bedroom.
I was like, "dad, why did you buy a slot machine?" And then he looks at me like I'm the idiot and goes, "for practice.
" I married a comedian.
Yeah.
Yeah.
People always say, "wow, it must be so much fun at your house.
It must be nonstop laughter all the time.
" And I'm like, "well, she's still a woman" "Compassionate and understanding," if you'd let me finish.
I can do one pull-up.
Yeah.
That's how many pull-ups I can do one.
That's where I stop at one.
A lot of people will tell me, like, "Tommy, why don't you work harder? Why don't you practice? Then maybe you could do more than just one pull-up.
" But I think one pull-up is the perfect amount of pull-ups to be able to do, 'cause when in real life are you ever gonna have to do more than one pull-up, right? When is that situation ever gonna happen? Like, even if you're hanging off a cliff, you just got to get up there one time.
"I did it.
I thought I was gonna die, but then I remembered I could do one pull-up, so I lived.
Let's head home.
" I snore.
I snore loudly.
You can't just fall asleep when you snore now, 'cause I get tired.
I was on the plane ride here.
The flight attendant came rushing over to me, and she said, "listen, ma'am, you gonna have to wake up, 'cause every time you close your eyes, it sounds like we're having engine failure.
" We have a lot of kids, so our romance has really gone down the crapper.
So I went home and asked my husband I'm like, "do you want to do a fantasy?" And he's like, "yeah, what fantasy do you want to do?" And I'm like, "let's do the schoolgirl fantasy.
" And he's like, "all right, I'll get my skirt.
" I was having breakfast with my 12-year-old just her and I, having a little breakfast, father-daughter moment.
She looks at me for no reason, she goes, "oh, by the way, I had my first period.
" She wants advice.
What kind of advice could I give her? I was like, "uh Walk it off.
" In eighth grade, my mom signed me up for that Big Brothers Big Sisters of America program 'cause I had "no strong male role model" in my life.
And you know who that ticked off, was my dad, who was an interior decorator.
Yeah, my dad gave me my y chromosome, it's just mine was in cursive.
I used to be a cougar.
Now I'm more of a zoo cougar.
I don't hunt anymore.
Now I just kind of lay around my habitat, and every now and then, one of the little 28-year-old falls over the side, right? "Oh, excuse me.
" I went to school with a set of siamese twins that were joined at the hands.
They were unbeatable at Red Rover.
I grew up in the Cincinnati area, and when I was12, we went on a family vacation to Milwaukee.
And if you don't know, Milwaukee and Cincinnati are the same place.
We drove seven hours in a car to go to the same place.
We went to Milwaukee because my dad was collecting postcards at the time and there was a postcard convention in Milwaukee.
So we drove seven hours in a car to see tiny pictures of other, better vacations.
"Wish you were here.
" I do! I just got a Groupon offer for the museum of tolerance.
Um, holocaust museum.
And I feel like it's good.
You know, it's actually good for people who do want to pay their respects to this tragic event in history, but, like, not at full price.
People don't know how to use the word "ghetto" in context.
I was at a dinner party with my friend Becky, and at the end of the night, she was like, "I'm gonna roll ghetto-style.
" I was like, oh, snap.
What's she gonna do? Pull out a pack of newports or a gun? I don't know! She pulls out a Tupperware container and fills it with Carrots and crudites.
That's not ghetto.
Ghetto would be if she named her child "Crudites.
" My mom would steal and bring me with her, but I never knew I was doing anything wrong, because she made it fun.
There was this little game we'd play called "hold this.
" Best part about buffet, no waiters to bother me.
I love that.
Imagine if they put waiters in buffet restaurants, trying to intercept you on your trip up there.
"What can I get for you?" "The hell out of my way.
" My oldest son just turned 14 in January.
Let me tell you something, man.
You know what he wanted for his birthday? A gym membership.
Scared the hell out of me, 'cause I'm like, "yo, this is it.
He's trying to take me out.
He's gonna wrestle me down for supremacy of man of the house.
" I had to get two memberships.
I'm scared.
I'm stressed out, man.
He's doing push-ups at the house, looking at me the whole time.
He's like, "18, 19, 27, 89.
" I'm like, "why are you looking at me?" He's like, "no, I'm just looking in your direction, dad.
" Like, "why? Well, get out of the bathroom.
I'm in here.
" When I was in third grade, my single dad forgot picture day.
I hope you don't mind if I photobomb your class picture with these yellow sweatpants and this dirty Bart Simpson t-shirt my mom won't let me wear.
Also, I have not showered in three days, and I'm pretty sure this kool-aid mustache is now permanent.
Oh, you want to put me in the back? You can't.
I'm too short, actually.
So it looks like my parents' divorce is everybody's problem now, huh? I'm cruising through amish country, right? It's snowing out.
I'm in a rent-a-car, so I'm speeding a little bit.
I come around the corner, and I see this amish guy starting to cross the street to go to his mailbox.
And my first thought was, "well, if I hit him, "I'll be out of the state before anybody here gets to a phone.
" I got a genuine fear of Alzheimer's disease.
My friend heard me say that.
He says, "Keith, you should switch deodorants.
There's aluminum in antiperspirant, which they think contributes to Alzheimer's.
You should try using a natural deodorant like Tom's.
" So I did.
I tried Tom's natural deodorant for a week.
I don't know who Tom is.
I bet you he's laughing his way to the bank.
That stuff does not work.
I'd have better luck rubbing a rabbit's foot under my pits.
It says right there, "all-day protection.
" Really? From what? Girls? Not working.
So in New York, a lot of women sell churros in the subway.
And I'm like, who is buying all of these churros? Somebody is, because these women are out there consistently, you know? These women are out there so much that I'm convinced that this is a profitable business venture.
You know, they're out there getting all this unregulated tax-free churro money.
I'ma tell you something.
I want in.
I want in, and before I leave this room tonight, I want to know who I got to take out to be the new head of the churro pyramid.
Who is it? Is it Marta? It's Marta, isn't it? Well, you deliver this message to Marta.
There's a new churro queen in town.
You know, Shakir, you had 4 1/2 minutes, and you really did talk about churros for 4 1/2 minutes.
I thought you were gonna be more ironic about it, but you went there, buddy.
Um Roseanne? I thought it was really good.
It was so different.
I've never seen anything like it.
I mean, you know, you're unique, you're different.
I thought it was great.
I liked it.
Thank you so much.
We'll be back with more after this.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood, which meant I actually thought I was Jewish until I turned 13 and did not have a bat mitzvah.
I was so excited.
I went to my mom like, "mom, I'm 'bout to become a woman.
" She was like, "Chloe, we're black.
" "Mom, how dare you? This is the worst hanukkah ever.
" I don't like things that remind me of slavery.
It's one of the main reasons I don't eat cotton candy.
That's right.
But my mother's one of these people she's overdressed for every occasion, you know? And her favorite look is, like, the captain of a ship, you know? She loves to wear, like, starched pants with a fitted blazer, some sort of gold emblem on it.
She's walking around like she's in charge of something.
Everyone at T.
J.
Maxx thinks she's from the corporate office, you know? When you're a man and you can't do stuff, you don't admit it, right? My girlfriend's car got a flat tire.
I was just like "Ehhh I think we should see other people.
" I go to a thug barbershop in my neighborhood.
That's where I get my hair cut.
The thug barbershop's the only place you go to get your hair cut, and right after he's done, the guy who just cut your hair makes fun of the haircut that he just gave you.
I was out there the other day.
The guy cuts my hair.
Right afterwards, he looks at me.
He goes, "oh, snap.
" Goes, "you look like Bobby from king of the hill, son.
" Like, I'm not a manly man.
Oh, I know I look like a quarterback, but inside, I am all cheerleader.
Like, if I was strangling one of you right now, you'd be like, "oh, your hands are so soft.
Death tickles.
" Before I get started, I just would like to say that something very terrible happened to me.
I was a victim of a fonzi scheme.
That's the last time I'll trust a Jewish man impersonating an Italian man.
Take it from a guy who kind of looks like a cop don't drink and drive.
I was recently pulled over for driving on the wrong side of the road.
Cop was like, "are you drunk?" I'm like, "dude, I'm not drunk.
The woman on my GPS is from England.
" The other question that people ask is, "when are you gonna have kids?" You know, "when are the kids coming?" I don't know.
It's expensive! It's really expensive, but they try to guilt you into it, you know? They're like, "oh, yeah, Tim, if you don't have your own child, who's gonna take care of you when you grow really old?" And I'm like, "you know what? It's gonna be that super hot Swedish nurse that I hire using the money I saved by not having children.
" And then they're like, "but she's not gonna love you the same way your own child will.
" I'm like, "I know.
That's why it's so expensive.
" It's hard.
I'm in all black right now because it's hard to shop as a big girl.
You know, they want to put us in animal prints.
Tiger, cow, werewolf I can't go to the Bronx zoo without somebody trying to put a tranquilizer dart in my ass.
I've always loved the old classic college rivalry.
'Cause you get to crack jokes, poke fun at whoever your rival is.
Every school's got some goofy joke.
"Hey, I heard if you drive through your campus slow enough with your window rolled down, they'll throw a diploma in your car.
" "You guys are stupid.
Get it?" I'll never have jokes like that, 'cause I went to vocational college.
Not a lot of tradition to fall back on when you go to appalachian industrial tech.
The fighting spot welders.
Who am I gonna make fun of with my education? "Where'd you go?" "Chattahoochee Hvac Tech.
Get a load of this guy.
" "Hey, hey, answer me this.
You know how many chattahoochee grads it takes to install a two-ton R22 Goodman evaporator coil?" "Zero.
None of 'em are EPA certified.
Beat it, nerd.
" Having a baby will change your relationship though.
Boy.
Wow.
Yeah.
John came down the other day, and he's like, "we need to start doing it more.
" I'm like, "oh, stop.
You're turning me on.
" Stop.
And here's the thing.
I don't care if we never have sex again.
I don't care.
I do not care.
At all.
All I think of the whole time is, like, "I need to clean that fan.
" My friends are always trying to get me to go day drinking.
They're like, "hey, man.
Let's do some day drinking.
" I'm like, "sure, I like going to bed at 7:00.
Let's party.
I like sleeping with my clothes on.
" Day drinking.
Guys' number one fear with online dating is you're gonna show up to the date, and the girl's not gonna look exactly like her photo, right? That's generally the fear guys have, right? She'll be a bit bigger, right? Women's number one fear is that they're gonna be murdered.
Like That's how radically disproportionate that is.
Guys are just like, "I hope she's not an uggo.
" Women are like, "I hope my head's still with me at the end of this date.
" Alzheimer's would be a lot easier to prevent and avoid if you could just catch it like an STD.
But it's not that easy.
You're not gonna hear somebody go, "hey, watch out for Kathy.
Pretty sure she got Alzheimer's.
I went out with her last week, and now It burns when I think.
" Oh, I'm aggressively going bald at the age of 27.
That's what I'm up to.
Can't do the normal bald guy thing and shave my head and pretend I chose to be bald.
I can't do that, 'cause I've got an odd-shaped head.
It's kind of shaped like a light bulb.
If I shaved my head, everywhere I went, people would just think my shoulders were having a great idea.
I actually grew up in Nashville, Tennessee.
I am the product of a biracial marriage.
My father is African-American, and my mother is black.
I have been trying to, like, take care of myself this year.
I gained 15 pounds last year.
Please, it was my pleasure.
I'd do it all again if I could.
But I have, I've been trying.
I've been going to the gym.
And all my friends are like, "oh, it's great you're going to the gym.
You can meet guys at the gym, you know?" And I'm like I don't have any pickup lines at the gym.
Like, the best thing I can come up with is, like, "hey, who are we kidding?" Ah You know you're in a bad neighborhood if you see a person in a wheelchair using their legs to kick themselves backwards through the intersection.
How is that person still the fastest person in the intersection? I went to a terrible high school.
I went to Martin Luther King high school.
Yeah, my school was definitely not his dream.
We'll be back with more after this.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
People get kind of weirded out when they hear me speak.
I get it.
The audio doesn't exactly match the visual.
A buddy of mine he's such a jerk.
He said to me once he goes, "you know what, Brian? You look like you could star in a kung fu movie and then dub your own voiceovers.
" Apparently the Mexican-American war is over.
What? No one told Arizona.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
People are like, "Emily, maybe you should read a book.
" Mm, we don't read in Phoenix.
The university is online.
My mom is learning how to text.
And I encouraged it at first, but she's made it clear that that was a mistake, because I sent her a message the other day, and she called me back because that's how she replies to text messages.
She calls you back.
And she says, "hey, Erin, in that message you sent me earlier, what does btw stand for?" Right? So I tell her, it stands for "by the way.
" And she says, "oh, yeah.
I guess that makes more sense.
" Yeah, I was like, "more sense? What'd you think it stood for?" "Booker T.
Washington," she said.
In 2014, that's her first guess.
"Booker T.
Washington, what time are we meeting for dinner?" That's what she thought I went with.
Oh, maybe I'll try something a little less edgy then.
Have you guys ever noticed that black people And white people are the same? I'm looking for comfortable shoes that won't make me look like a biblical character.
It's really difficult.
I know the girls know what I'm talking about.
I went to the shoe store.
I told the lady I was like, "I need some comfortable shoes.
" This lady brought out the most hideous-looking shoes.
I said, "oh, hell, no.
" "I cannot I am not trying to be one of Tracy Chapman's backup dancers, okay? "These are birth control shoes.
That's what they are.
" Can I tell you guys about a show that I'm obsessed with right now? It's called my strange addiction.
So, for example, they had this girl.
I don't remember her name, but she was kind of big, and she she eats mattresses.
She eats the she's a big fat girl who eats look, there's not a nicer way to say it.
Big fat girl, she eats mattresses.
She's not ashamed.
I'm not shaming her.
She looks right at the camera and she goes, "after I have sex, that's when I like to eat me some mattress.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
So imagine that.
You have sex with a fat girl, and then she eats the mattress.
My sister-in-law she had an adorable little blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl.
And I love my niece, but she keeps calling me Miss Tracey instead of Aunt Tracey.
That's annoying.
I'm her aunt.
My husband, he finally asked me.
He said, "baby, what's the big deal that she calls you Miss Tracey?" I said, "baby, when she calls me miss Tracey, "I feel like I need to respond, 'you is kind.
'You is smart.
You is important.
'" This year I lost a few friends to babies.
Very Very debilitating disease.
Suffer from exhaustion.
My question is, "why?" Why do we congratulate people when they have kids? Shouldn't we wait and see how they turn out first? Yeah! Yeah.
When I was a kid and I wanted to do something that my mom thought was weird, and all my friends were doing it, she would always say this to me.
She would always go, "well, if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" So I was like, "I don't know, mom.
"Might be kind of sad.
All my friends just died.
" The times is different, man.
You know, I don't even have keys on my key chain no more.
I don't have keys.
I just got membership cards of every store I go in.
You ever you got that on your key chain? You're like, "man, I go to a lot of stores.
" 'Cause I'm a member of a lot of stores.
Like, I'm a member of all the drugstores.
I don't know why at all, but I'm a member of all the drugstores.
And some of the drugstores' programs, I don't want to be a part of, 'cause they tell me I'ma get a reward, but I never get anything at all.
I just yeah, never get nothing.
All I get is a long receipt.
That's all I get is a long receipt with stuff that I can't use on the receipt, you know? Yeah, I'll be like, "man, this is way too much receipt "for a pack of gum.
I know I should not have this much receipt.
" Yeah, 'cause I thought I was filling out taxes one time, the lady gave me so much receipt.
One time, a dj was like, "I want y'all to scream like you ain't never screamed before.
" So I was like Aaaaaaahhhhhh! Aaaaahhhhh! Grew up very poor.
My mom used to get all my clothes at the thrift shop.
I came to class looking like a 12-year-old golf pro with a drinking problem.
I'd like to have a catchphrase.
I think that could be amazing.
I'm working on one.
I do need to work it into conversation.
So I'm gonna ask you a question.
What do you do for a living? Tell it to my balls! Hate to start off with bad news, but I did just get some.
Found out that my penis lost its job.
So if you know of any openings it can fill All the way up.
Stand up.
There were two black kids at my school, me and Keisha.
I was also known as "oops, I thought you was Keisha.
" Now you guys may have noticed that I am unusually large for a homosexual.
I am not certain why this is the case.
My current working theory is that once my parents realized I was going to be gay, they figured they might as well raise the largest one in the county.
If they're not getting grandchildren out of the deal, at least they could get a blue ribbon.
I'm from Puerto Rico.
Yes.
Which means I'm a black person that speaks Spanish or a Mexican with papers whatever you want to call me.
Everywhere you go, there's different animal attack scenarios.
I was in Florida.
This guy was like, "if it's an alligator, run in a zigzag.
Everybody knows that.
" I hadn't heard that.
Aren't alligator eyes on the sides of their head? Wouldn't they see you more if you're zigzagging? "There he is.
"He's back.
Good thing he's running like a weirdo.
" You know what's not safe? These fathers walking around with babies in pouches attached to the fronts of their bodies.
It's the cockiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
That says, "look, I get women pregnant, "I make them have the baby, then I wear the baby as jewelry.
" People often say the villain of the lion king is scar.
I don't think it is.
You know who it is? The jerk parents who named their child "scar" after he was born with a scar on his face.
What kind of name is scar? That would be like, "allow me to introduce you to my two sons, Timothy and Cleft Palate.
" We'll be back with more after this.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
Do you know girls are getting boob jobs for graduation now? Shouldn't that be what you get if you don't graduate? "Oh, I heard you failed math.
"Here's a couple of Ds.
Go follow your dreams.
" My last job nine hard years.
And do you know, they fired me for nothing? True story.
After nine years, my boss just gonna walk in my office, wake me up, and tell me to go home and don't never come back.
When I was younger, we didn't have a lot of money, so I couldn't even afford to come out of the closet 'cause yeah, we lived in an efficiency, so I had to come out from behind a curtain that separated the kitchen from the living room.
"I got something to tell you!" I'm surprised anybody's attracted to men.
Even women aren't really attracted to us.
That's why when women flash, it's called girls gone wild.
When men flash, it's called America's most wanted.
These hairstyles have gotten crazy.
You remember when weave was just a little additive, just a little help? It was just a little help.
She wanted to go all the way around.
Couldn't go all the way around.
Needed a little help.
Now weave has turned into the whole hairstyle.
I was talkin' to this girl at the mall.
She scratched her head.
Her whole hairstyle came off.
It was crazy.
She was like, "ooh, I seen you on TV.
You crazy as hell.
You stupid, you know that?" I was talking to this fellow the other day.
He was, like, a college professor.
He's like, "so tell me, sir, what's your extraction?" I'm like, "duh, vanilla.
" He's like, "no, what's your nationality?" I said, "I'm Japanese.
" He goes, "you're not Japanese.
You're Asian-American.
" Like, "oh, sorry.
Didn't mean to offend myself.
" I used to drink a lot, and then they put a breathalyzer in my car, and I thought, "oh, maybe I have a problem.
" I had to take my mother-in-law to the airport with a breathalyzer in my car.
She's a very sweet woman from the Midwest.
She didn't know what it was.
She gets in, she's like, "Dave, thank you so much for taking me to the airport.
" "Not a problem, mom.
Happy to help you out.
" "No, you're a good man.
" "Okay, it's not a big deal.
" "No, you're just a good man for my daughter.
" "Okay, relax.
" "What does that do?" "It starts the car.
" "My car uses keys.
" "Well, this is new.
" "What if it doesn't start when you blow into it?" "Then you're gonna have to blow into it.
" I just learned that my foster mom made $750 a month just to take care of me.
If I would've known that as a kid, she would have never been able to punish me.
It's like, "Monroe, you've been acting up in school.
You can't watch TV for a week.
" "I can't watch TV? Woman, I pay the cable bill.
" So I saw a guy, I said, "sir, baby in a pouch, not safe.
I'm a volunteer firefighter.
Please remove the baby.
" He said, "I'm a firefighter.
I'm an actual firefighter.
Why don't you get out of my face?" I said, "dude, maybe you didn't hear me.
I'm a volunteer firefighter.
That means I can do your entire job in my spare time.
" I was riding good in the carpool lane one day, and a little police on a motorcycle get behind me In a hurry.
And I said, "man, he is after somebody.
Let me get out the way.
" Yeah, I'm trying to get out the way, but he pulls right behind me.
So I'm like, "well, maybe I'm a witness or something.
I don't know what's going on, but I'll help him.
" And he came up to the car, and he's like, "sir, you can't be in this lane unless you have another occupant in the vehicle.
" And I said, "man, you are using thesaurus words right there, 'cause you don't hear 'occupant' every day.
" Yeah, so but I looked at him, and I looked at his motorcycle, and I say, "you don't have another occupant on your motorcycle, so" Yeah, so I was like, "matter of fact, why don't you leave your motorcycle and get in the car with me? And then that way we both will be in compliance.
" That's what I'm saying.
Arizona has the most grandparents.
Seriously, like, 80% of the tourism is funerals.
This is more of an advertisement.
I'm sorry.
I have to do this.
My roommate curt and his friend Rod just opened a business.
It's online, check it out: Curt and Rod's Curtain Rods.
I was dating this girl for a while, you know.
She loved animals and outdoors, and she always wanted to go camping, you know.
She said, "let's go camping.
We'll sleep outside.
" I'm like, "I don't want to sleep outside.
That's why I work.
" If we do have kids, I don't want to be one of these parents who are always showing people photos of their children.
It's annoying.
My wife has a friend like that.
She's always showing people pictures of her kid.
Just "look at my kid.
Have you seen my kid? "Picture of my kid.
Look at my kid.
"Look at my kid.
Picture of my kid.
"Have you seen my kid? Look at my kid.
Picture of my kid.
Look at my" it's like, relax.
It's been two years.
You're not gonna find him.
Rednecks and gay dudes hate each other.
You can Google that.
Bunch of stuff pops up.
What I've noticed is what they hate more than each other sleeves.
We'll be back with more after this.
And now we continue with the best jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
Celery's actually classified as a negative calorie food.
There are two calories in one stick of celery.
But if you eat it, it takes your body ten calories to process it.
You could kill yourself eating celery.
Comedy's the best gig ever.
I used to work as a janitor.
I remember one day I was mopping the floor, and a businessman slipped.
And he goes man.
If the floor's wet, you got to put a sign down.
" I'm like, "I'm mopping in front of you.
I am the sign, all right? You know the little guy on the sign doing this? That's me, but in 3D.
" I really enjoy the prescription drug commercials.
They got one it's my favorite.
It's for home-use catheters for women.
Right, ladies? Finally.
Glass ceiling shattered.
They got a number you can call at the end, and if you call it, you get six free catheters to try out with prescription only.
You know, to stop all the recreational catheter users.
Have you ever talked to a teenage girl? It's very fast, it's very It comes in very rapid.
"You don't even know.
You don't even know.
You don't even know.
" It's always code red too.
It's always, "oh, my God!" Everything is, "oh, my God!" "Oh, my God! That guy just got shot in the face.
Oh, my God! I can't find my charger.
" Same, same.
They're the same.
Found out that I can't eat rat poison.
Yeah.
I am rat poison intolerant.
Paramedic told me.
Said, "stop eating rat poison, Tim.
" So I quit.
It's tough, had to go on the patch.
Thank God for the patch, it saved my life.
They got a patch for everything these days.
You want to quit smoking, they have a patch.
You know, birth control, they have a patch.
Yeah, if you got an eye missing People get very upset when you make fun of religion.
Some woman even came up to me after a show.
She got right in my face, and she said, "you know, someday, you are gonna meet your maker.
" And I said, "well, good, 'cause there's a customer service moment I've been waiting for for a long time.
" What'd you do? Cobble me together out of leftover parts? I think the angels threw me together on a Friday before a long weekend, and they were like, "all right, what do we have left? What do we have left? Let's see, we got a lazy eye, bipolar.
Hey, this'll be fun.
Let's make her gay.
" "Should we give her a sense of humor?" "Well, we better, 'cause we're out of boobs.
" For those who don't know, Roots is like Star Wars for black folks.
It's a rite of passage.
Except we don't have the conventions, you know? My ex-boyfriend, he calls me crazy.
He calls me crazy.
I was a little crazy, but not the way he thinks I'm crazy.
You know, what he thought was crazy, that's what I'm supposed to do.
Like, I ain't crazy 'cause I called the cops on him.
I'm crazy 'cause I bailed him out the next day.
I ain't crazy 'cause I keyed the car.
I'm crazy 'cause it was my car.
I feel like he was asking me to be crazy, and he didn't know he was asking me to be crazy.
Like, if I walk in the house and you're having sex with somebody else, you're basically saying, "Zainab, burn the house down.
" I was walking through the park the other day.
I see this old man doing Tai Chi.
I'm like, "that's cool.
" Then I look closer, and it's not an old man doing Tai Chi.
It's one of those heroin guys that never falls over.
But I love my kids, man.
We'll have game nights and stuff like that.
I role-play when we play Monopoly too.
Like, I'm a Slumlord when we play Monopoly.
I don't smoke in real life, but when we play Monopoly, I smoke Newports.
Got to get into the character.
All that little low-budget property between go and the jailhouse, that's all me.
Heard if you see a wolf, you're not supposed to smile.
Takes the teeth as a sign of aggression.
Yeah, I don't know who sees a wolf and goes I have a 17-year-old daughter.
I love her, but I don't like her that much.
She came home to me the other day and told me she had a bully.
I said, "what you have is a year to 'do something' about it before it's a felony.
That's what you have.
" Tried online dating.
I joined one of those sites.
I paid $120.
I met the worst human being I've ever met in my entire life.
I was like, "yeah, I'm pretty sure I could've met this dude outside a liquor store for free.
" Right? I'm not gay, but according to the people I'm close to, I am very gay-looking, which is Which sucks kind of, 'cause I can't do a lot of the things straight-looking people get to do, man.
Never get to eat an ice cream cone the way I really want to, right? What? Come on.
I like to be out here in California, man.
Y'all got a lot of things we don't have in the South, like y'all got real Hispanic people.
Not the ones that was born in America, the ones who woke up Saturday and was like, "mm, let's go to America.
" Those are my favorite people.
I was ridin' around earlier.
I saw a accident.
Two Mexican guys, they rear-ended each other, right? Rear-end.
I'm thinkin' they gonna get out of the car, call their insurance like regular people.
Don't you know these dudes got out of the car and started fixin' each other car? Coming up next, we will reveal the top ten jokes of the season.
And now, without further ado, the best ten jokes of Last Comic Standing, season eight.
I knew when I was a child I was not gonna grow up to be sexy.
There were clues everywhere.
I've been this same size since I was seven years old.
True story.
This is how I look in all my school pictures.
Looked like two teachers in the class.
If they did design video games for women, they'd have some advantages.
Like, if you screwed up, the game would just let you keep playing.
But it'd never let you forget what you did wrong earlier.
Oh, no.
No.
Could you imagine Oprah Winfrey in the underground rail road? "If you look under your chairs" "Freedom!" "You get a map.
You get a map.
You get a map.
" Foster care is a program where they take children from homes where they're being abused and neglected.
They take them out of that environment and place them in the same exact environment.
I was in Orange County yesterday, you know, and I went to the Zoo.
You ever been there? Oh, what a piece of crap that place is.
They had a sign in the bathroom.
It said, "no smoking or eating.
" Who the hell's gonna eat in the bathroom at a Zoo? Be like, "hey, the Zoo don't smell bad enough.
Let's go have a snack in the John.
" I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.
I went online to become a private detective.
It was a private detective school online, and I paid online.
Then I never heard from them again.
I thought to myself, "I either got ripped off, or this is my first case.
" I ordered a pizza, and on the box it said "9/11.
Never forget.
" And forgive me for being preachy for just a moment, but I think that's just what the terrorists would want, for us to continue to be sad remembering that terrible day.
Then I realized They forgot my bread sticks.
How about never forgetting my bread sticks? Put that on the box.
What the hell is wrong with people? My last flight, this woman gets on the plane with a cat.
And the cat has this little orange vest on it that says, "therapy cat.
" Does this mean next time I fly, I can bring my companion, drinky-time squirrel? Yeah, he keeps me company so I don't have to drink alone.
I mean, he doesn't have a vest, but he is wearing a tank top that says "spring break '98.
" I don't know who started this little program where you check yourself out, but, uh That is not what I'm trying to do.
I'm a shopper.
I came in as a shopper.
I want to leave as a shopper, but yeah, 'cause they trick you to be a employee and get on the clock.
The lady tricked me.
She's like, "there is no waiting over here, sir.
" And, you know, I go over there, and she just walked the hell away.
And I was like, "whoa.
" Like, "where are you going, ma'am? Where are you going?" And she's like, "you can check yourself out.
" And I'm like, "but I don't work here.
" I shouldn't have to do that at all, you know? Yeah, I was like, "these are my clothes.
These are my clothes.
" She felt like I was qualified, so I said, "what the hell, turn on my light.
I guess I'm open.
I guess I'm open.
" I hate racism.
That is why I think there is only one good use for the N word.
That is for my bank password.
Because I would never blurt that out to anyone.
Even if I were being robbed by a black man And he were to say, "dude, give me your password.
" I would be like, "I can't.
I would turn this robbery into a homicide.
"