Last Comic Standing (2003) s09e04 Episode Script
The Invitationals: Last Chance to Advance
(male announcer) Tonight Whoo-hoo-hoo! (announcer) It's the rip, roaring conclusion of the invitationals.
Norm, could you judge me as Burt Reynolds? [laughter.]
(announcer) The last group of invited comics will hit the stage You guys know vegan, right? When you give up meat and dairy and friendship? (announcer) So quit your incessant yapping and find out who will move one step closer to $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause.]
(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host of Last Comic Standing, Anthony Jeselnik.
[cheers and applause.]
[cheering, screaming.]
- Wow.
- Oow! (Anthony) Thank you and welcome to Last Comic Standing.
Tonight is our fourth and final invitational show.
To me, Last Comic Standing isn't about who gets to stay and who goes home; to me, the only important thing is who's the host.
Now, let me introduce our esteemed judges.
Please give it up for comedy legend Keenen Ivory Wayans.
The great Roseanne Barr.
Whoo! - The amazing Norm Macdonald.
- Thank you, Anthony.
[cheering.]
Right now it's time to get this show on the road with our first comic of the evening.
Please welcome LaVar Walker.
[cheers and applause.]
I went to school for several years and I earned a doctorate degree in Pharmacy.
And it required me to study some of the hardest sciences on earth: Biochemistry, uh, human anatomy, physiology all this stuff.
But, yet, every morning I find myself working behind a cash register ringing up cookies and juice and milk and cereal and dog food, and I just don't think I'm getting the respect that I deserve as a proper health care professional.
[laughter.]
And it's rough working the cash register 'cause a lot of times old men come to the register and they don't know how to properly check out.
All you gotta do is swipe your card, put your PIN in, and walk off.
Old men will come, look at the debit machine and act like it's some type of flying saucer or a UFO.
I give them "Sir, that'd be $25.
" "Oh, all right.
" [applause, laughter.]
[laughter.]
"Okay, okay, you gonna have to put your PIN in it.
" "Oh, my PIN.
" Now you know you in trouble when old people go to touch the keys on the computer like the keys are about to burn they fingers like that.
This is what he do when I tell him to put the PIN in.
"Okay, sir, so you gotta put your PIN in.
" "Oh, okay, hold on on second.
"Excuse me, could y'all turn around "while I put my PIN in, please? [applause, laughter.]
You know, they like to steal around here.
" So he go to put the PIN in this is him putting the PIN in.
"Okay, here we go.
All right [yells.]
"Eight, nine [applause, laughter.]
Turn around, please.
" All right.
Thank you.
That's my time.
Thank y'all.
[cheers and applause.]
LaVar Walker, everybody.
Now let's go to the judges.
Roseanne, this is LaVar Walker, just open up your mouth and see what happens.
[laughter.]
Boy, you know what you're doing and it's so good.
I loved your characterization Especially of old people.
It's totally right.
[laughs.]
Hilarious.
Great job.
- Keenen.
- I can feel a little bit of the nervous energy at the beginning, 'cause you had a lot of words to set up, but I pass on that because the jokes were solid; the material was very good; your characterizations were great.
Overall, you did a great job, just take a deep breath next time.
All right.
Yeah, that's true.
Norm, finish him off.
[laughter.]
Well, ordinarily when a comic does an old man, it's awful.
And, I don't know how you did it, but it was a perfect old man.
You're not a pharmacist, are you? You were a pharmacist and now you're a comedian? No, no, no, no, no.
I'm still a pharmacist.
[laughter.]
Well [cheering.]
Then In that case, my advise would be to resign immediately.
LaVar Walker, everybody.
Keep it going for LaVar Walker.
Thank you, LaVar.
Great job.
(LaVar) Norm told me I should retire immediately, but in this business, you gotta keep money coming in.
I got a family, a wife, you know? And, um, I hope to one day.
I really do.
Now, get ready for your next comedian.
All the way from Wabash, Indiana.
It's a long bus ride.
Put your hands together for Michael Palascak.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi.
Aww.
I started out doing stand-up near Chicago.
I used to get a lot of parking tickets in that town.
The cool thing about Chicago parking tickets is on the ticket it'll list all the different kind of parking tickets you can get and how much they all cost so you can compare.
Like, I learned it's $50 cheaper sometimes to park on the sidewalk.
I didn't even know that was an option.
How did they figure out that pricing system? Like, "You park in front of the fire hydrant, "it's dangerous, $100.
"You park on the sidewalk hilarious, $50.
" [laughter.]
I met my girlfriend in Chicago.
If ever I'm quiet for a little bit, she'll just be like, "What are you thinking?" "I'm not gonna tell you that.
" [laughter.]
That's why I didn't say it out loud.
[laughter.]
That's how thinking works.
I think things, and the things I want to say, I say.
And the things I think will hurt your feelings, I don't say.
I grew up like I said earlier, in a small town in Indiana.
I walked to school a lot.
I remember the first year, my older brother was walking to middle school, my younger brother and I were walking to elementary school, my mom pulled me aside, she's like, "Michael, make sure you walk "on the outside of the sidewalk.
"That way if a car "comes off the road you'll be able to protect your brother.
" [laughter.]
Why would a mother tell her 10-year-old son that cars are gonna fly off the road at 7:00? She did grow up in Chicago, where it's $50 cheaper to park on the sidewalk, so [laughter.]
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Michael Palascak, everyone.
- Good job, Michael.
- Thank you.
Keenen, let's hear your thoughts on Michael Palascak.
I thought Mike was very funny.
He has a very sly, young, kind of dudeish humor.
I don't know if you do this in your act, but the idea that your mom chose you to be sacrificed by the car, I think there's something funny in that, so - For sure.
- Just a little - Thank you.
- Nugget for you.
[applause.]
Roseanne, what'd you think about Michael? I like your set construction.
I like that you end with a callback.
The only thing is when you first came out, it took a long time to get to a laugh.
Okay.
You know, I think some tightening up, but you did good.
(Norm) There was another joke where it was about the, um "What am I thinking" and that set up has been done a billion times.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you did the perfect punch line to it.
That, uh you just did the truth and you remind me of a guy And this could be fabricated, but it don't matter, that's just as funny offstage as on.
Which is, like, magic, So great job.
Michael Palascak, ladies and gentlemen.
- Great job, Michael.
- Thank you very much.
(Michael) I stepped on the stage and I did everything that I wanted to do and then I had, like, three comedic icons, like, give me feedback.
And they said nice things, so it's cool.
(announcer) Coming up, is this comic in a different league? Keenen, what do you think? Bright future for Sierra? I think a bright present for her.
(announcer) And did this comic just join the wrong club? I tried the stubble beard.
I thought this was gonna be sexy.
I just started getting initiation emails from al-Qaeda.
(affected accent) You look ready.
(announcer) And then Thank you.
That's awesome.
(Announcer) Norm goes it alone.
- I didn't like it.
- Huh? [cheers and applause.]
Hope you're enjoying the show; otherwise, we'll get cancelled and I don't get any more free suits.
[laughter.]
Now, I love documentaries because it makes you sound smart when you say you love documentaries.
It's the new reading.
Take a look at this one.
[regal music.]
My name is Sierra Katow.
I'm a junior at Harvard studying computer science.
When I was growing up, I started playing lots of games on the Internet and on the computer.
I started off by learning some of the, like, languages Web languages that went into that and it drew my interest to computer science, I guess Everything was very, like, self-taught But I did do one on, like, sessions.
Which is kind of a concept So it was PHP language It's probably the first programming language I learned.
And I was, kind of, very isolated and nerdy.
And I've been doing stand-up for four years.
[upbeat music.]
When I first got to Harvard, I kind of got connected with comedy people.
Hey, guys, we're gonna get started.
Whoo.
(Sierra) And I became the co-president of the Harvard College Stand-up Comic Society.
I also became the vice president of the Lampoon in February.
You're just like basically top-dog of the Lampoon.
- Oh, well - Yeah.
She's just, like, naturally funny.
You know, the way she talks, walks, uh You know, composes herself.
You're so modest.
You never tell us this stuff.
(Sierra) Sometimes there's a lot of pressure to go into consulting or a tech job that is very, like, lucrative, but I love stand-up, so I want to continue doing that as much as possible.
Good luck with everything.
You are so successful and talented.
And it's an honor to be your roommate.
(Sierra) Being on Last Comic Standing I'm just so excited to even be a part of it.
I am pretty pumped.
[Laughs.]
(Anthony) Give it up for Sierra Katow.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey.
It's good to so, I'm, uh, a college student actually.
[cheers.]
- Uh, yeah I did like high school better, though.
You know, I did well in high school.
I was, uh valedictorian, uh class president, star athlete.
Not to brag.
Um [laughs.]
But, you know, those are just some of the perks of being homeschooled, so [laughter.]
Um, I'm sorry, I'm so rude.
I've been up here for, what, like, a minute already? I haven't even told you guys what kind of Asian I am.
Oh, my God.
[Laughter.]
Uh, so sorry.
I'm actually half Chinese, half Japanese.
Um, but I grew up speaking only English.
You know, so, it's definitely It's strange when I go to, like, a Chinese restaurant, right? You know, they see this eager face.
They come up to me speaking in their tongues, right? And I have to Yeah.
And I have to be like, "Sorry, no hablo Chingles.
I'm sorry.
" [laughter.]
You have to do that too? Ugh.
[laughter.]
And, like, I think they judge me, though.
Like, they think I'm a little less Asian just 'cause I don't speak Asian and yeah.
And, it's not right, you know? 'Cause it is a part of who I am.
So, I figured, if that ever happens again, I'm just gonna leave the restaurant, right? And drive away and then crash into 17 cars and be like, "Who's the Asian now, bitch?" Hey.
[laughter.]
Thanks, folks, that's all I have for you tonight.
[cheers and applause.]
- Sierra Katow, every body.
Wow.
Good job.
Norm, let's start with you.
What are you thinking about Sierra? Uh, well, I find Sierra to be, uh, sweet and engaging and, uh, you strike me as a very good opening act, and in five or six years, you'll probably be a good headliner, so stick with it and, uh, good luck.
- How old are you? - I'm 20.
Oh, my God! [Cheering.]
Well, I think that he's saying we recognize that you've got some talent, and with a little more work - you're gonna be great.
- Thank you very much.
Yeah, thank you.
[Cheers and applause.]
Keenen, what do you think? Bright future for Sierra? I think a bright present for her.
[cheers and applause.]
I feel like you represent your generation.
The attitude I see all of my daughters.
- It's that snarky, kind of - Yeah.
You know? Uh [laughs.]
Little bitchy [laughter.]
- Hey.
- But but it's very funny.
And I love the twist on your jokes.
The Chingles was genius.
[Laughs.]
Thank you.
And I do agree that in time you're only gonna get better, but you're great right now.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Keep it going for Sierra Katow.
Great job, Sierra.
(Sierra) I had a good time and I felt like the audience was really enjoying it and being younger and being able to work on it more, like, I'll hopefully be able to get better.
So that's my daughter.
She's two and a half.
She dropped me off, I had lunch with her, she goes, "Break your leg, Daddy.
" - Aww.
- Aww.
I know I've been preparing for it and I have that nervous energy, which is good.
I'm fans of all the judges, so I hope I can make them laugh the way they've made me laugh.
You saw the name Tsarouchas.
It's Greek.
Yeah.
You know the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding? They're doing a sequel.
I auditioned for them.
They said I didn't look Greek enough.
Look at me! I'm big! I'm fat! I'm Greek! I'm three words in the frickin' title! [cheers and applause.]
I'm single.
Yeah? [Cheers and applause.]
I've actually been single for so long now that I'm like a house that's been on the market for so long and now people think it's haunted.
[laughter.]
Little kids slowly ride their bike by me and go, "I hear someone died in there.
" [laughter.]
These kids, all they do is beg.
They want everything and don't wanna do nothing.
Hello.
I asked my daughter to pass me the remote, you'd think I said scrub the floor on your knees.
"I gotta do everything!" I said, "You ain't gotta do everything, but you better pass me that damn remote.
" [laughter.]
These kids don't know how good they got it.
I used to be the remote.
Hello.
[laughter.]
I just thank God we didn't have cable back then.
I'd probably still be turning, okay? [laughter.]
One time I met a man who had a tattoo on his forearm of a champagne bottle.
And inside the champagne bottle he had the letters M-O-E-T, spelling out Moet.
Even included the umlaut two little dots over the E.
And I said to him, "Wow.
You're really passionate about that champagne.
" And he was like, "Nah That stands for 'Money Over Everything.
'" [laughter.]
I didn't have the heart to tell him that "everything" is one word.
[laughter.]
So the T in his acronym tattoo was unnecessary, but I do give him credit for including the umlaut The two little dots over the E, 'cause that's what changed it from everything "erethang.
" [laughter.]
I do find it amusing when people use the completely wrong word and have no idea they're using the wrong word, though.
Like, I've dated a lot of black women in my life, and one time a friend of mine was like, "Man, you like your girls with extra melatonin.
" [laughter.]
And I was like, "I think you mean melanin.
" I like 'em dark, not sleepy.
[laughter.]
You spring, like, this pretty wily social commentary on us, and I kinda wanna see your body go there too.
You know, because I think, like, if you bump that up a little, you'd bump this up a lot.
(Keenen) Yeah, I agree with Roseanne.
I think if you perform it just a little more, it'll take it even bigger.
I can do that.
Great constructive criticism for Noah Gardenswartz.
Great job, Noah.
[cheers and applause.]
(announcer) Coming up, will Turd Ferguson join the competition? Norm, judge me as Burt Reynolds.
[laughter.]
He's a huge favorite.
If you would do it.
[cheering.]
And we're back with more Last Comic Standing.
Coming to the stage now, this next comedian is from Los Angeles, which would be a hometown advantage if the people who lived here cared about anything.
Please welcome Amir K.
[cheers and applause.]
Yes! Yes! So good to be here, guys.
Good to be here.
Good to be back in the states.
Uh, as a matter of fact, I was just in the Middle East.
I was performing for the troops.
That was pretty cool.
[Cheers and applause.]
No, no, uh, it wasn't the U.
S.
troops, guys.
Take it easy.
[Laughter.]
I'm Middle Eastern.
Why would I [laughter.]
I'm Iranian.
I'm very proud of that.
Proud of my heritage.
Um [applause.]
I thank you, but I don't like the negative stigma attached to being Middle Eastern in this country.
It used to bother me a lot when I was younger.
Now I've just learned to have fun with it.
Like, if I get really drunk, I'll just walk by a random group of people.
Stare at them a little bit.
[scattered laughs.]
[affected accent.]
October 13th.
[laughter.]
[chanting in foreign language.]
[normal.]
That's our music, by the way.
Just a guy in a tower going[yells.]
Why the hell does every one of our singers sound like he's on fire? They're all I tried this stubble beard.
I thought this was gonna be sexy.
I swear, I didn't get one girl's number.
I just started getting initiation emails from al-Qaeda.
You guys are laughing; I opened an email two days ago, the subject line on the email: [affected accent.]
You look ready.
I'm trying to be a better man in my relationships with women.
I know I might lose some of the women when I say this.
Um, but, like, I've slept with a girl before, woke up in the morning, the girl is still been with me, so I've taken her to Starbucks just to get her name 'cause they write it on the cup.
[laughter.]
I'm a good guy.
I'm Amir K, man.
Thank you, guys.
That's it.
That's my time.
That's how we do it.
I love you, guys.
Thank you.
Amir K, everybody.
- Amir K.
- Thank you.
Norm, help out our friend Amir K here.
Perhaps by giving him a last name.
Norm, could you real quick, before you start, would you mind This is just a huge favor, if you would do it.
If you would judge me as Burt Reynolds, that would make it [laughter.]
[cheering.]
Come on.
[clears throat.]
[as Burt Reynolds.]
You know, Turd Ferguson is a a funny name.
[laughter, cheering.]
I mean, you have incredible charisma and you know how to deliver.
Good job.
- Thank you.
- Roseanne.
Well, I like you.
I think you're funny.
I think that you, yourself, your persona is funnier than the material you're doing.
I think if you get in that big bag and dig a little bit deeper and bring it up to, you know, the right intellectual level, which you have the ability to do.
- Thank you, Roseanne.
- Great.
[applause.]
- Keenen.
Amir feels to me like a guy who is way ready and was doing his first set.
Yeah.
So if you make it through the next round, bring the fire, don't play, do what you do.
Thank you very much, Keenen.
I appreciate that, man.
[cheers and applause.]
Keep it going for Amir K, everybody.
- Thank you, everyone.
- Amir K.
Okay, it's time now to get an up close and personal look at our next comic.
Watch this.
[upbeat music.]
I'm Harrison Greenbaum, and I'm from New York.
I have been doing stand-up for ten years.
My grandfather's definitely one of the main inspirations for doing comedy.
And we'd watch Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World on the dual VHS tapes.
So that was definitely the earliest things that have formed my sense of humor.
I'm a huge comedy history nerd, so I'm a member of the Friars Club.
This is where it all happens! (Harrison) The Friars Club is a fraternal organization for comedians to hang out.
So many of my heroes have been through these halls.
Knowing that you're in some tiny way a part of that legacy is really, really cool.
Plus, they have an amazing egg salad.
I'm competing in Last Comic Standing.
(Harrison) You're always running into older comics who have, you know, amazing experiences.
Do you have, like, any advice? You know, you learn a lot from these comics.
You learn about how you don't want to end up.
[laughs.]
Open dirty I always say.
And close with something disgusting.
- Do you have a manager? - I have a manager, yeah.
He wanted me to shave the beard.
I constantly for years, "You should straighten your hair, you look too Jewish.
" I am Jewish.
I'm so lonely.
[Laughs.]
Everyone that I was in comedy with has died.
Is that because they saw your act? Yes.
[Laughs.]
(Harrison) So many of these comics have been a big influence on me, my life, my comedy.
Good luck.
(Harrison) I wanna try to make them proud.
Harrison, let me tell you something, you have earned the right to be on Last Comic Standing and it's your time.
Make a ton of noise for Harrison Greenbaum! My grandfather never got to see me do stand-up, but I think about him before I go onstage and I think he would really enjoy seeing me be the last comic standing.
(Anthony) Give it up for Harrison Greenbaum.
[cheers and applause.]
I'm a New Yorker.
I, uh [cheers.]
- Yeah, New York? [cheers.]
- Nice.
I actually got into an argument on the subway and the guy quoted the Bible at me.
That is not fair.
Like, if you get to quote from your favorite book, I should be able to quote from my favorite book, right? He was like, "Men do not live on bread alone.
Matthew 4:4.
" And I was like, "Everybody is a little bit magic.
Harry Potter, chapter seven.
It's not a fair fight, right? One of those books is a classic about a man who has sacrificed himself for the good of the world, and the other is the Bible.
Do you know what I'm saying, people? [laughter.]
I was vegan for a while.
You guys know vegan, right? When you give up meat and dairy and friendship.
Those are the three things.
I I'm not vegan anymore.
I'm a vegetarian with benefits.
The benefits are usually meat, but [laughter.]
I just didn't want to be fat, and it's fine if you're fat.
When I say "fat" I mean, like, stuck in a bathtub fat.
You know, the fat like when you drop something, it's dead to you.
Like, that kind of fat.
But my cousin is 700 pounds overweight.
She is always complaining.
She's like, "Ugh, I have such bad knees.
" It's like, Really? You're gonna blame your knees? [laughter.]
Your knees are doing an admirable job.
Whoo-hoo! She's like, "You don't understand.
I blew out my knee again.
" I was like, "Yeah, I'm sure whales used to have hundreds and hundreds of knees and they kept blowing them out.
" And God was like, "Go in the ocean!" Wow.
"This experiment is over.
" Thanks so much, everybody.
Seriously.
- Thank you.
- Harrison Greenbaum, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Harrison Greenbaum.
- Whoo! - Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
- Thank you very much.
What the hell? Whoo.
Roseanne, what are your thoughts on Harrison? Well, I just love you, Harrison.
- You're fantastic.
- Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause.]
- Um And you're real brave.
I mean, the stuff you're talking about Bible jokes, that's some brave [bleep.]
.
[laughter.]
- Thank you.
And, I'll tell you, I don't think anything is funnier than fat jokes.
I love them! They're great.
- Thank you so much.
- Love! Love you too.
I disagree.
I don't think the Bible joke was brave at all.
I think if you're gonna take on an entire religion, you should maybe know what you're talking about.
J.
K.
Rowling is a Christian and J.
K.
Rowling famously said that, uh, if you're familiar with the scriptures, you could easily guess the ending of her book.
Huh? [Laughter.]
Okay.
I didn't like it.
[Audience jeers.]
Keenen, try to lighten it up a little bit, please.
Well, uh, before I talk about Harrison, um, this audience I didn't realize you guys hated fat people so much.
They were like, "Whoo-hoo!" It's like everybody left their fat friend at home tonight and just had a party.
You obviously engaged the audience right away.
They really love you and they went along for the ride.
Um, I would like to see more joke construct, 'cause you had a lot of attitude stuff in there that works, but that's just a minor note.
- I thought you were great.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Harrison Greenbaum, everybody.
Keep it going.
[Cheers and applause.]
Wow.
(announcer) Coming up, the comics make some startling confessions.
There's a phrase, "Black don't crack.
" I could be 12, you have no idea.
Okay? (announcer) Then see who stuns the judges.
You had the best set of the night.
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
- Whoo-hoo! - Moving right along.
She up and left Columbus, Georgia, for Atlanta, Georgia, which hardly seems worth mentioning, but she's here tonight.
Give it up for Mia Jackson.
[cheers and applause.]
So I'm at the point now where people keep wanting to set me up.
They want to hook me up.
And, uh, white people are doing this to me a lot, and I enjoy white people as a race, I do, but I do not enjoy you as matchmakers for me, okay? Because y'all are always trying to introduce me to the one other black person that you know.
[laughter.]
Stop it, all right? So my friend comes up to me and she's like, "Oh, my God, Mia, I've met the perfect guy for you.
" Then I go, "Tell me more.
" And then she goes, "Well, he's either in his late 40s or his early 60s.
" Oh, so you just gonna skip a whole decade.
Okay.
It's cool.
But then she shows me his picture.
He was at least 75, all right? I am not.
And I said, "His eyes have cataracts, mine have hope, all right?" And I said, "Why did you try to hook us up? "We don't even look like we're in the age range.
" And she goes, "I gotta be honest with you, I can't really tell black people's ages.
" And that's fine because there's a phrase "black don't crack.
" I could be 12; you have no idea.
Okay? [Laughter.]
But I told my friend, "You should've been able "to look at him and look at me "and know that only one of us had gone through the Civil Right's Movement, all right?" [laughter.]
And I respect the movement, I do, but I am not gonna date anybody who had to fight for rights.
All right? 'Cause you can't win no arguments against that dude.
Okay? There's nothing I can say that's gonna trump him.
I can't walk in the house and go, "Hey, what you been doing all day? You didn't wash these dishes.
" And then he'll be like, "Bitch, did you get to vote?" [laughter.]
"Did you?" Thank you.
Mia Jackson, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
- Great job, Mia.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, Norm, you're funny without even trying, but did you think that Mia was funny? You know, comedy is best when it's truthful, but it doesn't have to be factual.
And I feel that you should've been dating him.
I think it would've been funny if you said, "I went on a date with him" And then done that.
That is funny.
That is my only small criticism.
- But you were awesome.
- Thank you.
[applause.]
Words to live by.
Roseanne, what'd you think? You're a great comic.
I love that you're very slyly political.
Thank you.
Thanks.
- Great job.
- Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause.]
Keenen, on to you.
I enjoyed Mia very much, but if you would've done your act from where you are right now, you'd had blown the roof off of this place.
Oh, yeah, that is true.
Yeah.
I think that you were set so far back the audience might have thought, "Maybe she's scared," you know? I thought I was gonna fall off the stage 'cause I don't wear heels.
So I just know I was gonna hit somebody in the face.
Right, well, next time take that chance.
- Okay.
- Good Job, Mia Jackson.
Way to go.
Mia Jackson, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
- She's incredible.
- She is.
- Hey, question for you.
- What? How many people have called you "Ricardo" today? About 25 people.
My name is Ricarlo Flanagan.
I just want everybody to know that I am a good comic.
And I want do this for the rest of my life, so I wanna convey that to the crowd.
Did you all know that stalking is still one of the number one crimes in America? Which is crazy to me, 'cause if you break it down, that just means there's a bunch of people in America who can't accept rejection, you know? Like, I've been rejected by plenty of women in my day.
I go up to a young lady like, "Hey, you're gorgeous.
I'd love to take you out.
" And she like, "Ugh, get away from me.
" I'm like, "Okay, on to the next one.
" You know? Not some people, though.
Some people go up to a young lady, you be like, "Hey, girl, you gorgeous.
I'd love to take you out.
" She's like, "Ugh, get away from me.
" You're like, "Okay, well, I'm about to learn your schedule.
" [laughter.]
My wife, Kate, is kind and beautiful.
There's a special part of my heart that glows when I am holding her hand in public because I know passers by are looking at us and going, "Oh, look at the hypnotist and his child bride.
" [laughter.]
I am a dating aficionado.
I tell girls, "Tell men who you are on a first date, don't wait till date 98.
" When a guy and me go to dinner, he's like, "So tell me about yourself.
" I'm like, "Oh-ho.
I'm gonna.
" [laughter.]
"I am $200,000 in student loan debt, "I've been arrested for stalking, "I have a gun charge, I was a whore in college, "I may have had one curable STD, "and I killed a cat by accident.
Chicken or fish?" [laughter.]
I've been doing a lot of weird travelling.
I went to Guantanamo Bay, uh, as a guest.
I performed there for the military.
We flew there on a C-12, which is a naval plane that seats seven people including the pilots.
Yeah, I was sitting behind the pilot like, "How's the flying going?" "Can you feel my breath on your neck? "Can I fly the plane? Do you want me to take my hand off your leg?" And we flew from the naval base in Jacksonville, which is like a normal airport.
It's this huge airport.
And there was four of us going.
The lady at the counter asked every single one of us, in front of a bunch of people, how much we weighed.
Yeah, she gets to me, she's like, "How much do you weigh?" I was like, "I don't know.
The most.
" Like, "Put me down for two people, please.
" And she goes, "Well, we need to know because we need to know how much fuel to put in the plane.
" I was like, "All of it!" I've been trying to lose weight, and I found this out this is true.
If you walk when you walk, if you do not swing your arms, you will burn 35% more calories.
Yeah.
But you will also look like a psychopath.
"Where are you going?" "Murder!" I think you are a really funny girl.
- Thanks.
- You were great.
Loved you.
I would take your whole set and turn it upside-down.
The stuff you did at the front was your strongest.
- But you could fix it.
- Great, thank you.
- Thanks.
- All right.
Keep it going for Jessi Campbell, everybody.
Thank you, guys.
Thanks.
Thank you.
(Jessi) The whole time I was just thinking, "I hope Norm Macdonald likes me.
" And he he said he loved me, so that was good.
(announcer) When we return, the invitationals end on a high note.
You had the best set of the night.
(announcer) And then it's the last chance to advance to the semi-finals.
And the last comic moving on is [cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause.]
Now, during the break the comedy police pulled me over to tell me I was doing a great job.
Thank you, officers.
I agree.
Cops are the best.
Right now let's meet our next comic from a safe distance.
Check this out.
[upbeat music.]
- Hello.
- My name's Clayton English.
I've been doing comedy ten years.
Um, I think the first time I realized I was funny, probably, I'd say, like, second grade at this sleepover and I had the kids cracking up.
It was like, "Okay, I know how to make people laugh.
" What's going on today? Go out to the mall in a little bit.
The mall? [ominous music.]
I used to work at a cell phone kiosk in the mall.
I was all right at it.
You know, I tried to make people laugh to, kind of, reel 'em in a little bit.
That usually worked.
I was working with another dude that was real funny, Karlous Miller.
If you was late to work, you was late to work 'cause they saw you rising up out the escalator.
This is where it used to be.
Right here, man.
This is pretty much yeah.
Everybody used to walk by, we used to give it to them.
Yeah.
You don't wanna buy a cell phone? We gonna make your life hard.
(Clayton) We just kinda fed off each other.
So I told him, I was like, "Man, you know, we should really give this comedy thing a shot.
" 'Cause I had entertained the idea before, but I had never really gone through with it.
(Karlous) It was Clayton's idea to start doing comedy.
He was like, "Man, you funny as hell.
You ought to do it.
" And I was like, "Man, you funny as hell.
You should do it.
" And he was like, "Well, let's go together.
" And we did open mic comedy for two, three years straight.
What kind of engine you got in this thing? You know, we set this goal.
E're doing Last Comic Standing.
Last year, Karlous made it to the top ten Karlous Miller! But my plan is to take the whole thing.
Bring you back to the city, boy.
(Karlous) Good luck to Clayton.
Do your thing.
I'm proud of you, win, lose, or draw.
You could be like Well, you could be better than me.
Winning Last Comic Standing, that'll mean everything.
The victory jump! (Clayton) I mean, nothing against the mall workers of America, but I'm not going back to the mall.
Let's give a big round of applause for Clayton English.
[cheers and applause.]
All right.
It's good to be in California.
We out here.
We out here.
Weed's almost legal out here.
Yeah, it's not almost legal where I'm from.
I'm from Georgia.
The police pulled me over he found a little bit of weed and he looked at me and asked me, "Where did you get this from?" I was like, "You don't know? "That's your job.
You have a car with lights, "a computer, guns, tasers, a dog.
"I just moved here and I found it.
"Do your job.
"Do your job, officer.
The rest of us have to work.
Do your job.
" The police don't think about what's going on in people's lives.
They pull you over; they start yelling at you immediately.
I can't think when I'm being yelled at.
You come to my window, "Roll the window down right now!" [shudders.]
"Oh, okay, all right "Um, are the child locks on? "I'm not sure if "You know what? This one don't work, "You have to come around here.
"Just stop yelling, just come around here.
" I'm not going to jail for weed.
I'm not.
No.
I'll eat it.
I'll eat it.
And if I got more than I think I can eat, I keep a little applesauce in the car and I'll mix it together like old people take they medicine.
Plus, you look a lot less threatening when the police pull you over, you eating something with a spoon.
[cheers and applause.]
I don't know, you can't It's weird.
It's weird, you can't you know? I don't believe in all the stuff the police do.
Drug dogs: I don't think that's a real thing.
I don't think there's dogs out there that can detect different types of drugs.
'Cause he pulled me over and he brought the dog and he tapped on the trunk and the dog jumped up there.
And he was like, "The dogs telling me that there's drugs in the car.
" I was like, "What?" So I tapped on the trunk, the dog jumped back up there and I was like, "Well, he's telling me 'no, it's not.
'" Um Look, that's my time.
Please take care.
[cheers and applause.]
Clayton English.
Keep it going for Clayton English.
Great job, Clayton.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The people love you.
The people love you, Clayton, but, Keenen, why don't you give Clayton some advice.
I absolutely hated it.
[crowd gasps.]
No, I just wanted to mess with you all.
[laughter.]
- Hey, stop that.
I thought you were very good.
You got great stage presence, your confidence was just very obvious, and I thought you finished strong.
- It was a good set.
- Appreciate it.
Thanks.
(Anthony) Roseanne, what do you think? You had the best set of the night.
[cheers and applause.]
Wow.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
I feel like I could watch you and feel comfortable in you saying anything at all.
You'd keep me interested.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Then why do you look so mad, Roseanne? I look furious? No, I'm, like, really impressed.
- I'm like "Whoa.
" - Oh, okay.
You're I get it.
You're horny.
[laughter.]
Speaking of horny, Norm, what do you think? [laughter.]
I agree that, Clayton, you had the best set of the night, but, um, I didn't like it But I'm sure you'll come back and I can't wait to see what you do next week.
[laughter.]
Clayton English, everybody.
Keep it going for Clayton English.
[cheers and applause.]
- That guy is so good.
- He's really good.
So good.
That was the final performance of the evening, and now the comics are all at the mercy of our legendary judges.
When we return, we'll find out which comics are moving on to the semi-finals and which comics will be waiting for Norm in the parking lot.
We'll be right back.
- Okay, so we agree.
- Yeah, we both agree on her.
Yeah, that's one.
- This girl I thought was funny.
- She got big laughs.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, she was good.
I think I like him more than you all did.
We can put a question mark next to him, but he wasn't my favorite.
(Harrison) It really seemed like Keenen and Roseanne liked my set, but Norm had some content related issues.
I really hope I'll be moving on.
(Jessi) I don't know if there's anything I would do different.
I think my set was good enough, but you have to weigh against everybody else's.
(Sierra) Keenen said I'm the voice of my generation, uh, I think as a comic you gotta be a voice to something, so hopefully it'll work out well.
[laughs.]
Hopefully, yeah.
(Anthony) Welcome back.
We're moments away from revealing the judges' final selections for the semi-finals.
[cheers and applause.]
The first comic moving on tonight is [dramatic music.]
Clayton English.
Yes! Next round.
Let's do it.
I made it through the 100 to the 40.
I'm ready for whatever the next phase is.
(Anthony) Noah Gardenswartz, Mia Jackson, Michael Palascak, Ricarlo Flanagan, Melanie Camarcho, Angelo Tsarouchas, LaVar Walker, Amir K, and the last comic moving on to the semi-finals is Harrison Greenbaum.
There is a lot of surprise and shock, but I am advancing to the next round.
I am super, super excited.
And, so, my strategy is just to keep doing the strongest material I have.
[chuckles.]
I hope.
That's the goal.
(Anthony) There you have it.
Next week the semi-finals begin, and you don't want to miss those.
For Keenen, Roseanne, and Norm, I'm Anthony Jeselnik.
We'll see you next week.
(announcer) Ten comedians from tonight's final invitational show have moved on.
Out of the 100 best and brightest comics, a grand total of 41 have been chosen to go through to the semi-finals.
Norm, could you judge me as Burt Reynolds? [laughter.]
(announcer) The last group of invited comics will hit the stage You guys know vegan, right? When you give up meat and dairy and friendship? (announcer) So quit your incessant yapping and find out who will move one step closer to $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause.]
(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host of Last Comic Standing, Anthony Jeselnik.
[cheers and applause.]
[cheering, screaming.]
- Wow.
- Oow! (Anthony) Thank you and welcome to Last Comic Standing.
Tonight is our fourth and final invitational show.
To me, Last Comic Standing isn't about who gets to stay and who goes home; to me, the only important thing is who's the host.
Now, let me introduce our esteemed judges.
Please give it up for comedy legend Keenen Ivory Wayans.
The great Roseanne Barr.
Whoo! - The amazing Norm Macdonald.
- Thank you, Anthony.
[cheering.]
Right now it's time to get this show on the road with our first comic of the evening.
Please welcome LaVar Walker.
[cheers and applause.]
I went to school for several years and I earned a doctorate degree in Pharmacy.
And it required me to study some of the hardest sciences on earth: Biochemistry, uh, human anatomy, physiology all this stuff.
But, yet, every morning I find myself working behind a cash register ringing up cookies and juice and milk and cereal and dog food, and I just don't think I'm getting the respect that I deserve as a proper health care professional.
[laughter.]
And it's rough working the cash register 'cause a lot of times old men come to the register and they don't know how to properly check out.
All you gotta do is swipe your card, put your PIN in, and walk off.
Old men will come, look at the debit machine and act like it's some type of flying saucer or a UFO.
I give them "Sir, that'd be $25.
" "Oh, all right.
" [applause, laughter.]
[laughter.]
"Okay, okay, you gonna have to put your PIN in it.
" "Oh, my PIN.
" Now you know you in trouble when old people go to touch the keys on the computer like the keys are about to burn they fingers like that.
This is what he do when I tell him to put the PIN in.
"Okay, sir, so you gotta put your PIN in.
" "Oh, okay, hold on on second.
"Excuse me, could y'all turn around "while I put my PIN in, please? [applause, laughter.]
You know, they like to steal around here.
" So he go to put the PIN in this is him putting the PIN in.
"Okay, here we go.
All right [yells.]
"Eight, nine [applause, laughter.]
Turn around, please.
" All right.
Thank you.
That's my time.
Thank y'all.
[cheers and applause.]
LaVar Walker, everybody.
Now let's go to the judges.
Roseanne, this is LaVar Walker, just open up your mouth and see what happens.
[laughter.]
Boy, you know what you're doing and it's so good.
I loved your characterization Especially of old people.
It's totally right.
[laughs.]
Hilarious.
Great job.
- Keenen.
- I can feel a little bit of the nervous energy at the beginning, 'cause you had a lot of words to set up, but I pass on that because the jokes were solid; the material was very good; your characterizations were great.
Overall, you did a great job, just take a deep breath next time.
All right.
Yeah, that's true.
Norm, finish him off.
[laughter.]
Well, ordinarily when a comic does an old man, it's awful.
And, I don't know how you did it, but it was a perfect old man.
You're not a pharmacist, are you? You were a pharmacist and now you're a comedian? No, no, no, no, no.
I'm still a pharmacist.
[laughter.]
Well [cheering.]
Then In that case, my advise would be to resign immediately.
LaVar Walker, everybody.
Keep it going for LaVar Walker.
Thank you, LaVar.
Great job.
(LaVar) Norm told me I should retire immediately, but in this business, you gotta keep money coming in.
I got a family, a wife, you know? And, um, I hope to one day.
I really do.
Now, get ready for your next comedian.
All the way from Wabash, Indiana.
It's a long bus ride.
Put your hands together for Michael Palascak.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi.
Aww.
I started out doing stand-up near Chicago.
I used to get a lot of parking tickets in that town.
The cool thing about Chicago parking tickets is on the ticket it'll list all the different kind of parking tickets you can get and how much they all cost so you can compare.
Like, I learned it's $50 cheaper sometimes to park on the sidewalk.
I didn't even know that was an option.
How did they figure out that pricing system? Like, "You park in front of the fire hydrant, "it's dangerous, $100.
"You park on the sidewalk hilarious, $50.
" [laughter.]
I met my girlfriend in Chicago.
If ever I'm quiet for a little bit, she'll just be like, "What are you thinking?" "I'm not gonna tell you that.
" [laughter.]
That's why I didn't say it out loud.
[laughter.]
That's how thinking works.
I think things, and the things I want to say, I say.
And the things I think will hurt your feelings, I don't say.
I grew up like I said earlier, in a small town in Indiana.
I walked to school a lot.
I remember the first year, my older brother was walking to middle school, my younger brother and I were walking to elementary school, my mom pulled me aside, she's like, "Michael, make sure you walk "on the outside of the sidewalk.
"That way if a car "comes off the road you'll be able to protect your brother.
" [laughter.]
Why would a mother tell her 10-year-old son that cars are gonna fly off the road at 7:00? She did grow up in Chicago, where it's $50 cheaper to park on the sidewalk, so [laughter.]
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
Michael Palascak, everyone.
- Good job, Michael.
- Thank you.
Keenen, let's hear your thoughts on Michael Palascak.
I thought Mike was very funny.
He has a very sly, young, kind of dudeish humor.
I don't know if you do this in your act, but the idea that your mom chose you to be sacrificed by the car, I think there's something funny in that, so - For sure.
- Just a little - Thank you.
- Nugget for you.
[applause.]
Roseanne, what'd you think about Michael? I like your set construction.
I like that you end with a callback.
The only thing is when you first came out, it took a long time to get to a laugh.
Okay.
You know, I think some tightening up, but you did good.
(Norm) There was another joke where it was about the, um "What am I thinking" and that set up has been done a billion times.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you did the perfect punch line to it.
That, uh you just did the truth and you remind me of a guy And this could be fabricated, but it don't matter, that's just as funny offstage as on.
Which is, like, magic, So great job.
Michael Palascak, ladies and gentlemen.
- Great job, Michael.
- Thank you very much.
(Michael) I stepped on the stage and I did everything that I wanted to do and then I had, like, three comedic icons, like, give me feedback.
And they said nice things, so it's cool.
(announcer) Coming up, is this comic in a different league? Keenen, what do you think? Bright future for Sierra? I think a bright present for her.
(announcer) And did this comic just join the wrong club? I tried the stubble beard.
I thought this was gonna be sexy.
I just started getting initiation emails from al-Qaeda.
(affected accent) You look ready.
(announcer) And then Thank you.
That's awesome.
(Announcer) Norm goes it alone.
- I didn't like it.
- Huh? [cheers and applause.]
Hope you're enjoying the show; otherwise, we'll get cancelled and I don't get any more free suits.
[laughter.]
Now, I love documentaries because it makes you sound smart when you say you love documentaries.
It's the new reading.
Take a look at this one.
[regal music.]
My name is Sierra Katow.
I'm a junior at Harvard studying computer science.
When I was growing up, I started playing lots of games on the Internet and on the computer.
I started off by learning some of the, like, languages Web languages that went into that and it drew my interest to computer science, I guess Everything was very, like, self-taught But I did do one on, like, sessions.
Which is kind of a concept So it was PHP language It's probably the first programming language I learned.
And I was, kind of, very isolated and nerdy.
And I've been doing stand-up for four years.
[upbeat music.]
When I first got to Harvard, I kind of got connected with comedy people.
Hey, guys, we're gonna get started.
Whoo.
(Sierra) And I became the co-president of the Harvard College Stand-up Comic Society.
I also became the vice president of the Lampoon in February.
You're just like basically top-dog of the Lampoon.
- Oh, well - Yeah.
She's just, like, naturally funny.
You know, the way she talks, walks, uh You know, composes herself.
You're so modest.
You never tell us this stuff.
(Sierra) Sometimes there's a lot of pressure to go into consulting or a tech job that is very, like, lucrative, but I love stand-up, so I want to continue doing that as much as possible.
Good luck with everything.
You are so successful and talented.
And it's an honor to be your roommate.
(Sierra) Being on Last Comic Standing I'm just so excited to even be a part of it.
I am pretty pumped.
[Laughs.]
(Anthony) Give it up for Sierra Katow.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey.
It's good to so, I'm, uh, a college student actually.
[cheers.]
- Uh, yeah I did like high school better, though.
You know, I did well in high school.
I was, uh valedictorian, uh class president, star athlete.
Not to brag.
Um [laughs.]
But, you know, those are just some of the perks of being homeschooled, so [laughter.]
Um, I'm sorry, I'm so rude.
I've been up here for, what, like, a minute already? I haven't even told you guys what kind of Asian I am.
Oh, my God.
[Laughter.]
Uh, so sorry.
I'm actually half Chinese, half Japanese.
Um, but I grew up speaking only English.
You know, so, it's definitely It's strange when I go to, like, a Chinese restaurant, right? You know, they see this eager face.
They come up to me speaking in their tongues, right? And I have to Yeah.
And I have to be like, "Sorry, no hablo Chingles.
I'm sorry.
" [laughter.]
You have to do that too? Ugh.
[laughter.]
And, like, I think they judge me, though.
Like, they think I'm a little less Asian just 'cause I don't speak Asian and yeah.
And, it's not right, you know? 'Cause it is a part of who I am.
So, I figured, if that ever happens again, I'm just gonna leave the restaurant, right? And drive away and then crash into 17 cars and be like, "Who's the Asian now, bitch?" Hey.
[laughter.]
Thanks, folks, that's all I have for you tonight.
[cheers and applause.]
- Sierra Katow, every body.
Wow.
Good job.
Norm, let's start with you.
What are you thinking about Sierra? Uh, well, I find Sierra to be, uh, sweet and engaging and, uh, you strike me as a very good opening act, and in five or six years, you'll probably be a good headliner, so stick with it and, uh, good luck.
- How old are you? - I'm 20.
Oh, my God! [Cheering.]
Well, I think that he's saying we recognize that you've got some talent, and with a little more work - you're gonna be great.
- Thank you very much.
Yeah, thank you.
[Cheers and applause.]
Keenen, what do you think? Bright future for Sierra? I think a bright present for her.
[cheers and applause.]
I feel like you represent your generation.
The attitude I see all of my daughters.
- It's that snarky, kind of - Yeah.
You know? Uh [laughs.]
Little bitchy [laughter.]
- Hey.
- But but it's very funny.
And I love the twist on your jokes.
The Chingles was genius.
[Laughs.]
Thank you.
And I do agree that in time you're only gonna get better, but you're great right now.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Keep it going for Sierra Katow.
Great job, Sierra.
(Sierra) I had a good time and I felt like the audience was really enjoying it and being younger and being able to work on it more, like, I'll hopefully be able to get better.
So that's my daughter.
She's two and a half.
She dropped me off, I had lunch with her, she goes, "Break your leg, Daddy.
" - Aww.
- Aww.
I know I've been preparing for it and I have that nervous energy, which is good.
I'm fans of all the judges, so I hope I can make them laugh the way they've made me laugh.
You saw the name Tsarouchas.
It's Greek.
Yeah.
You know the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding? They're doing a sequel.
I auditioned for them.
They said I didn't look Greek enough.
Look at me! I'm big! I'm fat! I'm Greek! I'm three words in the frickin' title! [cheers and applause.]
I'm single.
Yeah? [Cheers and applause.]
I've actually been single for so long now that I'm like a house that's been on the market for so long and now people think it's haunted.
[laughter.]
Little kids slowly ride their bike by me and go, "I hear someone died in there.
" [laughter.]
These kids, all they do is beg.
They want everything and don't wanna do nothing.
Hello.
I asked my daughter to pass me the remote, you'd think I said scrub the floor on your knees.
"I gotta do everything!" I said, "You ain't gotta do everything, but you better pass me that damn remote.
" [laughter.]
These kids don't know how good they got it.
I used to be the remote.
Hello.
[laughter.]
I just thank God we didn't have cable back then.
I'd probably still be turning, okay? [laughter.]
One time I met a man who had a tattoo on his forearm of a champagne bottle.
And inside the champagne bottle he had the letters M-O-E-T, spelling out Moet.
Even included the umlaut two little dots over the E.
And I said to him, "Wow.
You're really passionate about that champagne.
" And he was like, "Nah That stands for 'Money Over Everything.
'" [laughter.]
I didn't have the heart to tell him that "everything" is one word.
[laughter.]
So the T in his acronym tattoo was unnecessary, but I do give him credit for including the umlaut The two little dots over the E, 'cause that's what changed it from everything "erethang.
" [laughter.]
I do find it amusing when people use the completely wrong word and have no idea they're using the wrong word, though.
Like, I've dated a lot of black women in my life, and one time a friend of mine was like, "Man, you like your girls with extra melatonin.
" [laughter.]
And I was like, "I think you mean melanin.
" I like 'em dark, not sleepy.
[laughter.]
You spring, like, this pretty wily social commentary on us, and I kinda wanna see your body go there too.
You know, because I think, like, if you bump that up a little, you'd bump this up a lot.
(Keenen) Yeah, I agree with Roseanne.
I think if you perform it just a little more, it'll take it even bigger.
I can do that.
Great constructive criticism for Noah Gardenswartz.
Great job, Noah.
[cheers and applause.]
(announcer) Coming up, will Turd Ferguson join the competition? Norm, judge me as Burt Reynolds.
[laughter.]
He's a huge favorite.
If you would do it.
[cheering.]
And we're back with more Last Comic Standing.
Coming to the stage now, this next comedian is from Los Angeles, which would be a hometown advantage if the people who lived here cared about anything.
Please welcome Amir K.
[cheers and applause.]
Yes! Yes! So good to be here, guys.
Good to be here.
Good to be back in the states.
Uh, as a matter of fact, I was just in the Middle East.
I was performing for the troops.
That was pretty cool.
[Cheers and applause.]
No, no, uh, it wasn't the U.
S.
troops, guys.
Take it easy.
[Laughter.]
I'm Middle Eastern.
Why would I [laughter.]
I'm Iranian.
I'm very proud of that.
Proud of my heritage.
Um [applause.]
I thank you, but I don't like the negative stigma attached to being Middle Eastern in this country.
It used to bother me a lot when I was younger.
Now I've just learned to have fun with it.
Like, if I get really drunk, I'll just walk by a random group of people.
Stare at them a little bit.
[scattered laughs.]
[affected accent.]
October 13th.
[laughter.]
[chanting in foreign language.]
[normal.]
That's our music, by the way.
Just a guy in a tower going[yells.]
Why the hell does every one of our singers sound like he's on fire? They're all I tried this stubble beard.
I thought this was gonna be sexy.
I swear, I didn't get one girl's number.
I just started getting initiation emails from al-Qaeda.
You guys are laughing; I opened an email two days ago, the subject line on the email: [affected accent.]
You look ready.
I'm trying to be a better man in my relationships with women.
I know I might lose some of the women when I say this.
Um, but, like, I've slept with a girl before, woke up in the morning, the girl is still been with me, so I've taken her to Starbucks just to get her name 'cause they write it on the cup.
[laughter.]
I'm a good guy.
I'm Amir K, man.
Thank you, guys.
That's it.
That's my time.
That's how we do it.
I love you, guys.
Thank you.
Amir K, everybody.
- Amir K.
- Thank you.
Norm, help out our friend Amir K here.
Perhaps by giving him a last name.
Norm, could you real quick, before you start, would you mind This is just a huge favor, if you would do it.
If you would judge me as Burt Reynolds, that would make it [laughter.]
[cheering.]
Come on.
[clears throat.]
[as Burt Reynolds.]
You know, Turd Ferguson is a a funny name.
[laughter, cheering.]
I mean, you have incredible charisma and you know how to deliver.
Good job.
- Thank you.
- Roseanne.
Well, I like you.
I think you're funny.
I think that you, yourself, your persona is funnier than the material you're doing.
I think if you get in that big bag and dig a little bit deeper and bring it up to, you know, the right intellectual level, which you have the ability to do.
- Thank you, Roseanne.
- Great.
[applause.]
- Keenen.
Amir feels to me like a guy who is way ready and was doing his first set.
Yeah.
So if you make it through the next round, bring the fire, don't play, do what you do.
Thank you very much, Keenen.
I appreciate that, man.
[cheers and applause.]
Keep it going for Amir K, everybody.
- Thank you, everyone.
- Amir K.
Okay, it's time now to get an up close and personal look at our next comic.
Watch this.
[upbeat music.]
I'm Harrison Greenbaum, and I'm from New York.
I have been doing stand-up for ten years.
My grandfather's definitely one of the main inspirations for doing comedy.
And we'd watch Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World on the dual VHS tapes.
So that was definitely the earliest things that have formed my sense of humor.
I'm a huge comedy history nerd, so I'm a member of the Friars Club.
This is where it all happens! (Harrison) The Friars Club is a fraternal organization for comedians to hang out.
So many of my heroes have been through these halls.
Knowing that you're in some tiny way a part of that legacy is really, really cool.
Plus, they have an amazing egg salad.
I'm competing in Last Comic Standing.
(Harrison) You're always running into older comics who have, you know, amazing experiences.
Do you have, like, any advice? You know, you learn a lot from these comics.
You learn about how you don't want to end up.
[laughs.]
Open dirty I always say.
And close with something disgusting.
- Do you have a manager? - I have a manager, yeah.
He wanted me to shave the beard.
I constantly for years, "You should straighten your hair, you look too Jewish.
" I am Jewish.
I'm so lonely.
[Laughs.]
Everyone that I was in comedy with has died.
Is that because they saw your act? Yes.
[Laughs.]
(Harrison) So many of these comics have been a big influence on me, my life, my comedy.
Good luck.
(Harrison) I wanna try to make them proud.
Harrison, let me tell you something, you have earned the right to be on Last Comic Standing and it's your time.
Make a ton of noise for Harrison Greenbaum! My grandfather never got to see me do stand-up, but I think about him before I go onstage and I think he would really enjoy seeing me be the last comic standing.
(Anthony) Give it up for Harrison Greenbaum.
[cheers and applause.]
I'm a New Yorker.
I, uh [cheers.]
- Yeah, New York? [cheers.]
- Nice.
I actually got into an argument on the subway and the guy quoted the Bible at me.
That is not fair.
Like, if you get to quote from your favorite book, I should be able to quote from my favorite book, right? He was like, "Men do not live on bread alone.
Matthew 4:4.
" And I was like, "Everybody is a little bit magic.
Harry Potter, chapter seven.
It's not a fair fight, right? One of those books is a classic about a man who has sacrificed himself for the good of the world, and the other is the Bible.
Do you know what I'm saying, people? [laughter.]
I was vegan for a while.
You guys know vegan, right? When you give up meat and dairy and friendship.
Those are the three things.
I I'm not vegan anymore.
I'm a vegetarian with benefits.
The benefits are usually meat, but [laughter.]
I just didn't want to be fat, and it's fine if you're fat.
When I say "fat" I mean, like, stuck in a bathtub fat.
You know, the fat like when you drop something, it's dead to you.
Like, that kind of fat.
But my cousin is 700 pounds overweight.
She is always complaining.
She's like, "Ugh, I have such bad knees.
" It's like, Really? You're gonna blame your knees? [laughter.]
Your knees are doing an admirable job.
Whoo-hoo! She's like, "You don't understand.
I blew out my knee again.
" I was like, "Yeah, I'm sure whales used to have hundreds and hundreds of knees and they kept blowing them out.
" And God was like, "Go in the ocean!" Wow.
"This experiment is over.
" Thanks so much, everybody.
Seriously.
- Thank you.
- Harrison Greenbaum, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Harrison Greenbaum.
- Whoo! - Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
- Thank you very much.
What the hell? Whoo.
Roseanne, what are your thoughts on Harrison? Well, I just love you, Harrison.
- You're fantastic.
- Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause.]
- Um And you're real brave.
I mean, the stuff you're talking about Bible jokes, that's some brave [bleep.]
.
[laughter.]
- Thank you.
And, I'll tell you, I don't think anything is funnier than fat jokes.
I love them! They're great.
- Thank you so much.
- Love! Love you too.
I disagree.
I don't think the Bible joke was brave at all.
I think if you're gonna take on an entire religion, you should maybe know what you're talking about.
J.
K.
Rowling is a Christian and J.
K.
Rowling famously said that, uh, if you're familiar with the scriptures, you could easily guess the ending of her book.
Huh? [Laughter.]
Okay.
I didn't like it.
[Audience jeers.]
Keenen, try to lighten it up a little bit, please.
Well, uh, before I talk about Harrison, um, this audience I didn't realize you guys hated fat people so much.
They were like, "Whoo-hoo!" It's like everybody left their fat friend at home tonight and just had a party.
You obviously engaged the audience right away.
They really love you and they went along for the ride.
Um, I would like to see more joke construct, 'cause you had a lot of attitude stuff in there that works, but that's just a minor note.
- I thought you were great.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Harrison Greenbaum, everybody.
Keep it going.
[Cheers and applause.]
Wow.
(announcer) Coming up, the comics make some startling confessions.
There's a phrase, "Black don't crack.
" I could be 12, you have no idea.
Okay? (announcer) Then see who stuns the judges.
You had the best set of the night.
[cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
- Whoo-hoo! - Moving right along.
She up and left Columbus, Georgia, for Atlanta, Georgia, which hardly seems worth mentioning, but she's here tonight.
Give it up for Mia Jackson.
[cheers and applause.]
So I'm at the point now where people keep wanting to set me up.
They want to hook me up.
And, uh, white people are doing this to me a lot, and I enjoy white people as a race, I do, but I do not enjoy you as matchmakers for me, okay? Because y'all are always trying to introduce me to the one other black person that you know.
[laughter.]
Stop it, all right? So my friend comes up to me and she's like, "Oh, my God, Mia, I've met the perfect guy for you.
" Then I go, "Tell me more.
" And then she goes, "Well, he's either in his late 40s or his early 60s.
" Oh, so you just gonna skip a whole decade.
Okay.
It's cool.
But then she shows me his picture.
He was at least 75, all right? I am not.
And I said, "His eyes have cataracts, mine have hope, all right?" And I said, "Why did you try to hook us up? "We don't even look like we're in the age range.
" And she goes, "I gotta be honest with you, I can't really tell black people's ages.
" And that's fine because there's a phrase "black don't crack.
" I could be 12; you have no idea.
Okay? [Laughter.]
But I told my friend, "You should've been able "to look at him and look at me "and know that only one of us had gone through the Civil Right's Movement, all right?" [laughter.]
And I respect the movement, I do, but I am not gonna date anybody who had to fight for rights.
All right? 'Cause you can't win no arguments against that dude.
Okay? There's nothing I can say that's gonna trump him.
I can't walk in the house and go, "Hey, what you been doing all day? You didn't wash these dishes.
" And then he'll be like, "Bitch, did you get to vote?" [laughter.]
"Did you?" Thank you.
Mia Jackson, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
- Great job, Mia.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, Norm, you're funny without even trying, but did you think that Mia was funny? You know, comedy is best when it's truthful, but it doesn't have to be factual.
And I feel that you should've been dating him.
I think it would've been funny if you said, "I went on a date with him" And then done that.
That is funny.
That is my only small criticism.
- But you were awesome.
- Thank you.
[applause.]
Words to live by.
Roseanne, what'd you think? You're a great comic.
I love that you're very slyly political.
Thank you.
Thanks.
- Great job.
- Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause.]
Keenen, on to you.
I enjoyed Mia very much, but if you would've done your act from where you are right now, you'd had blown the roof off of this place.
Oh, yeah, that is true.
Yeah.
I think that you were set so far back the audience might have thought, "Maybe she's scared," you know? I thought I was gonna fall off the stage 'cause I don't wear heels.
So I just know I was gonna hit somebody in the face.
Right, well, next time take that chance.
- Okay.
- Good Job, Mia Jackson.
Way to go.
Mia Jackson, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
- She's incredible.
- She is.
- Hey, question for you.
- What? How many people have called you "Ricardo" today? About 25 people.
My name is Ricarlo Flanagan.
I just want everybody to know that I am a good comic.
And I want do this for the rest of my life, so I wanna convey that to the crowd.
Did you all know that stalking is still one of the number one crimes in America? Which is crazy to me, 'cause if you break it down, that just means there's a bunch of people in America who can't accept rejection, you know? Like, I've been rejected by plenty of women in my day.
I go up to a young lady like, "Hey, you're gorgeous.
I'd love to take you out.
" And she like, "Ugh, get away from me.
" I'm like, "Okay, on to the next one.
" You know? Not some people, though.
Some people go up to a young lady, you be like, "Hey, girl, you gorgeous.
I'd love to take you out.
" She's like, "Ugh, get away from me.
" You're like, "Okay, well, I'm about to learn your schedule.
" [laughter.]
My wife, Kate, is kind and beautiful.
There's a special part of my heart that glows when I am holding her hand in public because I know passers by are looking at us and going, "Oh, look at the hypnotist and his child bride.
" [laughter.]
I am a dating aficionado.
I tell girls, "Tell men who you are on a first date, don't wait till date 98.
" When a guy and me go to dinner, he's like, "So tell me about yourself.
" I'm like, "Oh-ho.
I'm gonna.
" [laughter.]
"I am $200,000 in student loan debt, "I've been arrested for stalking, "I have a gun charge, I was a whore in college, "I may have had one curable STD, "and I killed a cat by accident.
Chicken or fish?" [laughter.]
I've been doing a lot of weird travelling.
I went to Guantanamo Bay, uh, as a guest.
I performed there for the military.
We flew there on a C-12, which is a naval plane that seats seven people including the pilots.
Yeah, I was sitting behind the pilot like, "How's the flying going?" "Can you feel my breath on your neck? "Can I fly the plane? Do you want me to take my hand off your leg?" And we flew from the naval base in Jacksonville, which is like a normal airport.
It's this huge airport.
And there was four of us going.
The lady at the counter asked every single one of us, in front of a bunch of people, how much we weighed.
Yeah, she gets to me, she's like, "How much do you weigh?" I was like, "I don't know.
The most.
" Like, "Put me down for two people, please.
" And she goes, "Well, we need to know because we need to know how much fuel to put in the plane.
" I was like, "All of it!" I've been trying to lose weight, and I found this out this is true.
If you walk when you walk, if you do not swing your arms, you will burn 35% more calories.
Yeah.
But you will also look like a psychopath.
"Where are you going?" "Murder!" I think you are a really funny girl.
- Thanks.
- You were great.
Loved you.
I would take your whole set and turn it upside-down.
The stuff you did at the front was your strongest.
- But you could fix it.
- Great, thank you.
- Thanks.
- All right.
Keep it going for Jessi Campbell, everybody.
Thank you, guys.
Thanks.
Thank you.
(Jessi) The whole time I was just thinking, "I hope Norm Macdonald likes me.
" And he he said he loved me, so that was good.
(announcer) When we return, the invitationals end on a high note.
You had the best set of the night.
(announcer) And then it's the last chance to advance to the semi-finals.
And the last comic moving on is [cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause.]
Now, during the break the comedy police pulled me over to tell me I was doing a great job.
Thank you, officers.
I agree.
Cops are the best.
Right now let's meet our next comic from a safe distance.
Check this out.
[upbeat music.]
- Hello.
- My name's Clayton English.
I've been doing comedy ten years.
Um, I think the first time I realized I was funny, probably, I'd say, like, second grade at this sleepover and I had the kids cracking up.
It was like, "Okay, I know how to make people laugh.
" What's going on today? Go out to the mall in a little bit.
The mall? [ominous music.]
I used to work at a cell phone kiosk in the mall.
I was all right at it.
You know, I tried to make people laugh to, kind of, reel 'em in a little bit.
That usually worked.
I was working with another dude that was real funny, Karlous Miller.
If you was late to work, you was late to work 'cause they saw you rising up out the escalator.
This is where it used to be.
Right here, man.
This is pretty much yeah.
Everybody used to walk by, we used to give it to them.
Yeah.
You don't wanna buy a cell phone? We gonna make your life hard.
(Clayton) We just kinda fed off each other.
So I told him, I was like, "Man, you know, we should really give this comedy thing a shot.
" 'Cause I had entertained the idea before, but I had never really gone through with it.
(Karlous) It was Clayton's idea to start doing comedy.
He was like, "Man, you funny as hell.
You ought to do it.
" And I was like, "Man, you funny as hell.
You should do it.
" And he was like, "Well, let's go together.
" And we did open mic comedy for two, three years straight.
What kind of engine you got in this thing? You know, we set this goal.
E're doing Last Comic Standing.
Last year, Karlous made it to the top ten Karlous Miller! But my plan is to take the whole thing.
Bring you back to the city, boy.
(Karlous) Good luck to Clayton.
Do your thing.
I'm proud of you, win, lose, or draw.
You could be like Well, you could be better than me.
Winning Last Comic Standing, that'll mean everything.
The victory jump! (Clayton) I mean, nothing against the mall workers of America, but I'm not going back to the mall.
Let's give a big round of applause for Clayton English.
[cheers and applause.]
All right.
It's good to be in California.
We out here.
We out here.
Weed's almost legal out here.
Yeah, it's not almost legal where I'm from.
I'm from Georgia.
The police pulled me over he found a little bit of weed and he looked at me and asked me, "Where did you get this from?" I was like, "You don't know? "That's your job.
You have a car with lights, "a computer, guns, tasers, a dog.
"I just moved here and I found it.
"Do your job.
"Do your job, officer.
The rest of us have to work.
Do your job.
" The police don't think about what's going on in people's lives.
They pull you over; they start yelling at you immediately.
I can't think when I'm being yelled at.
You come to my window, "Roll the window down right now!" [shudders.]
"Oh, okay, all right "Um, are the child locks on? "I'm not sure if "You know what? This one don't work, "You have to come around here.
"Just stop yelling, just come around here.
" I'm not going to jail for weed.
I'm not.
No.
I'll eat it.
I'll eat it.
And if I got more than I think I can eat, I keep a little applesauce in the car and I'll mix it together like old people take they medicine.
Plus, you look a lot less threatening when the police pull you over, you eating something with a spoon.
[cheers and applause.]
I don't know, you can't It's weird.
It's weird, you can't you know? I don't believe in all the stuff the police do.
Drug dogs: I don't think that's a real thing.
I don't think there's dogs out there that can detect different types of drugs.
'Cause he pulled me over and he brought the dog and he tapped on the trunk and the dog jumped up there.
And he was like, "The dogs telling me that there's drugs in the car.
" I was like, "What?" So I tapped on the trunk, the dog jumped back up there and I was like, "Well, he's telling me 'no, it's not.
'" Um Look, that's my time.
Please take care.
[cheers and applause.]
Clayton English.
Keep it going for Clayton English.
Great job, Clayton.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The people love you.
The people love you, Clayton, but, Keenen, why don't you give Clayton some advice.
I absolutely hated it.
[crowd gasps.]
No, I just wanted to mess with you all.
[laughter.]
- Hey, stop that.
I thought you were very good.
You got great stage presence, your confidence was just very obvious, and I thought you finished strong.
- It was a good set.
- Appreciate it.
Thanks.
(Anthony) Roseanne, what do you think? You had the best set of the night.
[cheers and applause.]
Wow.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
I feel like I could watch you and feel comfortable in you saying anything at all.
You'd keep me interested.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Then why do you look so mad, Roseanne? I look furious? No, I'm, like, really impressed.
- I'm like "Whoa.
" - Oh, okay.
You're I get it.
You're horny.
[laughter.]
Speaking of horny, Norm, what do you think? [laughter.]
I agree that, Clayton, you had the best set of the night, but, um, I didn't like it But I'm sure you'll come back and I can't wait to see what you do next week.
[laughter.]
Clayton English, everybody.
Keep it going for Clayton English.
[cheers and applause.]
- That guy is so good.
- He's really good.
So good.
That was the final performance of the evening, and now the comics are all at the mercy of our legendary judges.
When we return, we'll find out which comics are moving on to the semi-finals and which comics will be waiting for Norm in the parking lot.
We'll be right back.
- Okay, so we agree.
- Yeah, we both agree on her.
Yeah, that's one.
- This girl I thought was funny.
- She got big laughs.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, she was good.
I think I like him more than you all did.
We can put a question mark next to him, but he wasn't my favorite.
(Harrison) It really seemed like Keenen and Roseanne liked my set, but Norm had some content related issues.
I really hope I'll be moving on.
(Jessi) I don't know if there's anything I would do different.
I think my set was good enough, but you have to weigh against everybody else's.
(Sierra) Keenen said I'm the voice of my generation, uh, I think as a comic you gotta be a voice to something, so hopefully it'll work out well.
[laughs.]
Hopefully, yeah.
(Anthony) Welcome back.
We're moments away from revealing the judges' final selections for the semi-finals.
[cheers and applause.]
The first comic moving on tonight is [dramatic music.]
Clayton English.
Yes! Next round.
Let's do it.
I made it through the 100 to the 40.
I'm ready for whatever the next phase is.
(Anthony) Noah Gardenswartz, Mia Jackson, Michael Palascak, Ricarlo Flanagan, Melanie Camarcho, Angelo Tsarouchas, LaVar Walker, Amir K, and the last comic moving on to the semi-finals is Harrison Greenbaum.
There is a lot of surprise and shock, but I am advancing to the next round.
I am super, super excited.
And, so, my strategy is just to keep doing the strongest material I have.
[chuckles.]
I hope.
That's the goal.
(Anthony) There you have it.
Next week the semi-finals begin, and you don't want to miss those.
For Keenen, Roseanne, and Norm, I'm Anthony Jeselnik.
We'll see you next week.
(announcer) Ten comedians from tonight's final invitational show have moved on.
Out of the 100 best and brightest comics, a grand total of 41 have been chosen to go through to the semi-finals.