Last Man Standing Episode Scripts

N/A - Papa Bear

1 Why aren't you dressed? Well, brunch isn't till 10:00.
Right, but then we go early, we get a table close to the buffet, right? 'Cause you can't sit right at it.
We learned that at Sizzler.
Just call Kristin and ask her to save us a table.
I mean, we have some pull.
She created the whole thing.
We created her Nah.
Nah, then she's got bigger fish to fry literally.
This seafood buffet she created is amazing.
It's like the ocean just puked all over a table.
I know why you want to go early.
- The brunch is her baby - No.
she's your baby.
You want to make sure everything goes okay.
What are you talking? She's got this all covered.
She's doing a great job.
She was at work last night till 1:00 A.
Yeah, and how do you know that? I was just there, you know, making sure the lobsters don't claw her.
I don't trust those rubber bands.
- Honey - They're very, very small.
It is okay to admit that you want to protect your daughter.
- It's sweet.
- I'm not protecting her.
I just want to make sure the brunch goes okay.
Yeah, that's called protecting.
(Raspy) Oh.
Hey, you guys.
Um I've got this thing.
It's a sore-throat thing.
So, uh, yeah I'm not gonna be able to go to church today.
We're not going to church.
Today is Kristin's first brunch.
(Clears throat) Oh, wait.
Oh, my God! (Gasps) Hold on.
(Chuckles) I'm all better! I'm healed! Yes! Wow, that's a miracle.
(Chuckles) Praise the Lord.
You know, maybe you can go to church next Sunday, and you can thank him personally.
(Laughs) Okay.
I'm gonna go get dressed.
I have the perfect brunch outfit.
It says I'm here to pick up my food, look fabulous, and judge others.
Mandy, hey.
You can't be late for this, okay? I know you'd like to make an entrance, but today's your sister's big day.
Let her shine.
Okay, fine, but who just got over a really brave battle with illness? Why do her fake illnesses give me a real headache? I'm gonna get ready.
I'll meet you there.
All right.
Doll yourself up.
You're competing with scallops wrapped in bacon.
About time, Mikey.
Yeah, I'm the worst.
Coming in an hour early on my day off.
Thanks for being here.
Hey, no problem.
If I was home, I'd be watching TV.
Here, I'm watching like eight TVs, and I get overtime.
You know, this whole concept of brunch doesn't make any sense to me.
Well I mean, you get breakfast and lunch and you charge 'em once.
Who's the genius that came up with that idea? I think it was Einstein's brother Melvin.
Very creative family.
You got to relax here.
Kris did a lot of research before she pitched this buffet idea to us.
Our customers are gonna love this.
Yeah? Yeah, maybe too much.
If you haven't noticed, they tend to be on the large side.
Well, you know They take "all you can eat" as a challenge.
Go in your office, do something to take your mind off it.
When was the last time you checked your ex-wife's Facebook page? Yesterday.
Yeah, don't worry about this.
Kris has got this all taken care of.
Mikey, please, I'm counting on you to keep an eye on things.
If this is a disaster, we're done with brunch.
I don't need to keep an eye on anything.
Ha! Yeah.
Show me the restaurant.
On it.
Uh, the buffet's all iced and ready to go.
There's us looking at the monitors.
That's useless.
I can't What's Kyle doing on the loading dock? Enhance that for me.
"Enhance"? This isn't "CSI" Baxter.
I can make it bigger.
Looks like he's opening a bag of cat food.
Oh, good.
He's feeding stray cats 100 feet from a seafood buffet.
What goes on in that kid's head? I don't know.
If you got close enough, you'd probably hear a wind-up monkey playing the cymbals.
Hey, Kyle! Kyle! What the hell are you doing? You said you didn't want stray cats eating out of the Dumpster.
Problem solved.
Now you're luring feral cats to a seafood buffet.
Oh, no.
They're not feral anymore.
I named them.
Well, of course you did.
Tell you what Get rid of the food and the bowl, close the loading dock door.
Yes, sir.
And you know what? Think of taking a day off now and then.
You're killing me.
Isabella: Kyle, get your lazy ass over here! Hang on, Isabella.
(Cat meows) Hi, Mom! Hey! (Laughing) Hi! Wow! Wow, Kristin, this is incredible.
I know.
Isn't it? We have smoked Pacific Coho sal Ah, ah! Don't touch it Alaskan king crab.
Don't touch.
And, my personal favorite, local rainbow tr Don't! But I'm hungry.
Have some ice.
(Laughs) Honey, I know how hard you've been working on this.
I mean, you did an amazing job.
Yeah, she's been practically living here.
Uh, by the way, I'm Ryan, your husband.
And that little guy you were just talking to is your son.
Ha, ha.
Can we talk about this at home? Sure, but first, let's have the most important brunch in the entire world.
Hey, come on.
You guys don't bicker like this.
Something is fishy.
Ryan is upset because he thinks I've been spending too much time at work.
You slept here last night.
I didn't get the room finished until 2:00, and the food truck's coming at 6:00, okay? It's not like I was at the spa.
This morning I showered with the sprayer we use to wash the vegetables.
This brunch has been taking over your life.
I mean, we moved into a new house, and you haven't even met the neighbors.
They think I'm a widower.
We are up to our eyeballs in casseroles.
Hey, guys, let's not ruin this special day by being crabby.
All right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Just, I see food and (Laughs) Ha! I made a joke! Oh! I've gone too far now.
Hey, your family's here.
And that shy busboy finally had the guts to ask out that cute waitress.
What? You watch 'em all day, you can't help but care.
Just keep an eye on Kyle, will ya? Make sure he doesn't do something else really stupid.
Uh, Baxter That didn't take long.
He left the door open.
Oh, great.
Now I have a warehouse full of cats, and I hate cats.
Dogs are right.
Well, don't worry about the cats.
They probably ran away when they saw this guy.
Is that a bear? Yeah.
You want me to enhance it? Music Mike: I got to get my family out of the grill.
And I'll call Parks and Wildlife, and let them know we have a bear in the warehouse.
A bear? Oh, shoot! I forgot to close that door! Well, the good news is I'm not mad at you about the cats anymore.
I want you to go down to the kitchen, get all the staff up here quietly.
You don't want to panic them.
I don't want anybody panicked! Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go! I heard yelling.
Is there trouble with the brunch? No! No! No! Uh, Chuck was asking for a raise.
Shut that down, Mikey.
That's right.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! How are things going at the new house? Uh, pretty good.
Boyd has been helping me with the decorating.
You know what 10-year-old boys suck at? - Decorating.
- Decorating.
Yeah, he did the living room in early American "Star Wars.
" Well, I'm sorry, Kristin.
When you move back in, we will change it.
Can you believe him? Kind of.
I mean, I understand where he's coming from.
That's right.
I should only complain about Ryan to Dad.
You know, honey, whenever your father gets involved in a new project, he also goes a little overboard in his attention to detail.
Isn't that a good thing? Yes, unless you're one of the details he's not paying attention to.
I'm just saying maybe cut Ryan some slack.
Hey, Boyd, listen, I hid a dollar bill up in the office.
Why don't you go see if you can find it.
Cool! You too, honey.
Why? What? You don't need a dollar? What are you talking about? What's with all the questions? Let's just go upstairs.
Everybody, let's just go upstairs.
Dad, I still have a ton of work to do down here.
Do it later.
I need to be here now.
You are never gonna get her to leave, Mike.
Don't even try it.
Listen, excuse me.
Everybody upstairs.
Now! Now! Come on, let's go.
Let's go upstairs for a minute.
Come on.
Is there something wrong? Not if you enjoyed "The Revenant.
" So, you just play in here, Boyd.
And, uh And if you hear scratching at the door I-it's just Grandma.
So, uh But don't don't open the door for Grandma, no matter what! A-And if Grandma does get in the door, then, uh then just remember to, uh, to stand real tall and cover your neck.
What the hell is a bear doing in the store? He's ruining my brunch.
I used to think that bears were cute, but, you know what, as of today, bears can kiss my ass.
Brunch is gonna be fine.
We got this under control.
Parks and Wildlife says they can't get here for another 20 minutes.
There's a bear at a gas station too.
Are there any bears in the woods? All right, everybody.
We're all good up here.
Everybody's fine right where we are.
Not Kyle.
He's in the warehouse, and he's got a rifle.
Wait, wait.
He cannot kill the bear.
Well, not with that gun.
It's a tranquilizing-dart gun.
Also, he'll he'll just put the bear to sleep.
- That's perfect, right? - (Chuckles) Yeah.
If we were legally allowed to sell the tranquilizer that goes in the darts.
So, he's about to corner a wild bear and shoot it with an empty dart? This is quickly becoming one of those stories that bears tell other bears.
Kyle? Kyle? Kyle! Hey, hey! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Listen, I-I know I ask you this a lot, but what the hell are you doing? I'm the reason he's in here, Mr.
Don't worry, we're giving you credit for that.
You know, there's not tranquilizer in those darts.
Really? So what the hell am I doing? I don't know.
We're gonna go back upstairs, all right? (Growls) Not that way, though.
Am I not moving? Kyle, we're gonna be fine, we're gonna be fine.
Don't make a lot of noise and just back away.
Back away, back away.
Okay, Mr.
Hey, I wonder if it's true that bears can smell fear.
(Roars) That would be your answer! You know, last time I did this, there were Jehovah's Witnesses coming down the block.
You're really funny, Mr.
It's gonna be an honor to die with you today.
If we do go to heaven, let me handle closing the pearly gates, okay? Hey, Chuck, I need the ETA on Parks and Wildlife, over.
High tight, Baxter.
They're on their way.
Chuck, shouldn't you do something? I mean, you are head of security for the store.
And I'll go down there as soon as the bear starts shoplifting.
Look, you know, Mike and Kyle will be fine.
When the bear smells the food, he'll head straight for the buffet.
Well, I guess that's the end of brunch at Outdoor Man.
I'll talk to her.
No, you know what? I will go talk to her.
Well, this sucks.
I know how much work you put into this thing.
I was scared.
What? That's why I was working so much.
This was the first big thing I've done on my own.
No, it's not.
What about the grill? Dad and Ed helped me with that.
This was all me.
And I just wanted to prove that I could do it not even to them, to myself.
I didn't know.
But after spending four days looking for the perfect shrimp fork, turns out I forgot the first rule of brunches no bears! I'm sorry I put you and Boyd through that.
All for nothing.
I feel so bad for her.
I wish I could do something.
I think I can.
Hello? Anybody here? Olly olly oxen free! Whatever that means! Nobody here for Kristin's big day.
Classic! (Laughs) This is so dumb.
I am so dumb.
Okay, here we - Hey! - Aah! What are you doing? You have to run.
(Laughs) I'm in brunch heels.
I'm not running anywhere.
What are you doing? Okay, there is a bear in the store, and everyone's upstairs.
You need to get up there right now, okay? What? If there's a bear in the store, why are you holding a salmon? 'Cause I am trying not to have Kristin's brunch get ruined, so I'm gonna lure it out of the store with this.
Oh, no! A bear! Bears are so dangerous! Don't let him eat my little face! (High-pitched squealing) Oh, please, I'm trying not to think about that, okay? Just run, okay? Should of just gone to church.
Are you okay, Mike? (Bear roars) Yeah, we're great.
W-Will these boxes protect us from the bear? No, probably not, but it'll be something to send our organs to the hospital in.
Ryan: Bear? Where are you, peaceful woodland creature? Want some brunch? Hey, what's Ryan doing down here? Oh, God! You are huge! Ryan just ran past the bear holding a salmon.
How did that kid's ancestors ever survive? Come and get it, bear! Delicious, wild-caught salmon from our already overfished oceans! He's trying to draw the bear away.
Did it work? (Growls) Please tell me that's a cat.
The bear ignored the salmon.
Why would that bear ignore a salmon? What does he want in here? He's after me.
Yeah? It's my conditioner.
It's honey lavender.
It doesn't make any sense, unless he is a she.
He had Oh.
(Whimpering) (Chuckles) Oh, he's adorable! Yeah, well, we're not keeping him.
Listen, we found a bear cub in here.
Been nice knowing you, Baxter.
Oh, thank God.
Parks and Wildlife are here, Mike.
No, no, no, no.
You tell Parks and Wildlife to calm down.
If they see that bear getting aggressive, they may put it down.
They do not want that bear hurt.
Give me five minutes to get this cub out of here.
You copy that? Wait, there's really a bear in the store? Will this be on national news, because I'm only dressed for local.
I need to move these boxes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Mr.
B, are you sure that's a good idea? 'Cause I've come to really appreciate that door.
The bear doesn't want to hurt us.
The bear just wants to protect her cub.
Help me move these out of the way.
All right, get behind the door.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come here, come here.
It's all right, it's all right.
It's okay.
It's all right.
It's all right, it's all right.
(Bear growling) Come on, come on.
And that, Kyle, is why we don't feed cats.
Mama and baby bear are headed back to the woods.
Yeah, with a salmon and an adventure they will remember forever.
You know, bears like bread, too.
You always got to figure out a way to cost me money, but, uh, appreciate what you did.
Thank you.
We'll follow them to make sure they get there without incident, but you folks are all clear.
- Thank you.
- Thanks for coming by.
I cannot believe you did that! That was so Brave? Uh, I was gonna say stupid, but I guess it can be both.
I didn't want all your hard work to go to waste.
But, yeah.
That was really dumb.
Isn't he the sweetest? I did something stupid, too.
You're damn straight, Baxter.
You dying on my watch is not gonna help my Yelp reviews.
Why'd you take the risk of opening that door? I think maybe he knows what it feels like to want to protect your cub.
Right, papa bear? You know, in the book, the mama bear doesn't talk so much.
I love it when you get embarrassed because you have feelings.
Kyle, did you do anything stupidly brave? No.
I was smart.
You tried to shoot an angry mama bear with a dart gun.
Hey, yeah! That was super dumb! Yay! Kyle wins! Hey, it's almost 10:00.
Aren't we all excited about doing something? My brunch! Get out of my way! Come on, come on.
You want to get a good table.
What's the point? No more salmon.
So, you What's everybody doing up here? Am I the only one who cares about this damn brunch? Come on, let's go.
It's kind of cute that everybody thinks I don't know anything about the bear, huh? Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.
Over the years, I've found myself facing some pretty scary situations Anacondas in the Amazon ckk, ckk, ckk, ckk, ckk! hungry lions on the Serengeti "Down, boy " A woman's book club that ran out of vodka in my own home.
(Slurring) Eat, pray, refill! (Normal voice) But as any outdoorsman will tell you, there's no place as dangerous as being between a mama bear and her cub.
It's like being between Hillary and a Wall Street moneyman.
Of course, a mama bear only worries about her offspring for 17 months, then she kicks them in the ass and chases them away.
Humans we don't stop worrying about our kids until two weeks after we die.
You'd think it would get easier once they leave the nest, but it actually gets worse once they roam free.
All we do is fret.
We can even tag their ears so we can track their migrations.
Or can we? Trademark Outdoor Man.
(Clicks tongue) "Dad!" Yeah, being a human parent means signing an eternal contract to worry.
And when you finally see the bright light coming towards you at the very end, you know what your last thought's gonna be? (Imitates flatline) I got to check the tire pressure on Mandy's car!