Last Man Standing Episode Scripts

N/A - Gameday Forecast : Showers

1 Hey, Joe, you're a car guy.
What do you think of self-driving cars? I don't like 'em.
I mean, you don't know who to give the finger to.
All right, gentlemen, Broncos-Chargers game this Sunday, Mike's house, right? Any questions? - I got one.
- Yeah? Did you just invite people to my house? Yeah, well, that's where we watched the Chargers game last season.
The Broncos went on to win the Super Bowl, so this year, we're going to do everything the same way.
Sounds like fun.
Yeah, but not for you.
You're not coming.
I'm sorry.
You weren't there last year.
It's my house.
If I don't want Joe there, it's not because he's bad luck.
It's because I don't like him.
Now I know who to give the finger to.
You're coming.
But if the Broncos lose, it's your ass.
All your superstitions make me nervous.
Nobody breathes between downs.
Last year, I blacked out and knocked over the end table.
You'll need to do that again this year.
You know, Ed, your rituals are insane.
There's only one reason why the Broncos are gonna win tomorrow.
I control the game with my mind.
Wait a minute.
Are you one of those people - who can control things with your mind? - Yes, Joe.
What do you call that? Tele Tele Tele-nutcase.
Let's go with that.
You want proof? Remember Prater's record 64-yard field goal? It wasn't him.
All me.
Boom! Ooh! Morning.
Just wanted to give you guys these invites to the wedding shower.
(Chuckles) I just heard you say "guys" and "wedding shower" in the same sentence.
You are all invited.
It is a Jack and Jill shower.
Who's Jack and Jill? It's a wedding shower for the bride and the groom.
We'll talk, play games.
It's gonna be great! A guy and girl getting married boy, you don't see that much anymore.
I'm not going to go to this.
I don't even know these people.
It's Kyle and Mandy.
My wife wants us to go, we're going.
It's the same time as the game.
We're not going.
But, Mom, my shower has to be a spectacle, and doves would be beautiful.
Yes, they would.
So what makes it cruel? You can't staple lace on a bird.
Hey, guys.
Hey, hon.
(Chuckles) We are having such a time planning Mandy and Kyle's shower.
You know, I just read to take the stress off showers, people are having them on Wednesdays.
Uh, no.
Sunday's the only day we could do it, and you are gonna be there.
Yeah, oh, and Chuck, Joe, and Ed are all coming, too, right? 'Cause you can never have too many people telling you what a beautiful bride you'll be.
(Laughs) Seriously, somebody tell me that, right now.
Yeah, they're coming, and they're they're real excited about it.
- So am I.
- Really? Even though the Broncos are playing that day? Wow.
Has football season started already? Yeah, um I'm still waiting.
You will be a beautiful bride, Mandy! Oh, thanks, Mommy.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
How was laser tag? Oh, great.
Ryan was an animal.
Took out a whole pack of 8-year-olds, including the birthday boy.
I waited for his mom to come comfort him, and that's when I dropped her.
(Laughs) I wasn't listening to any of that, but great story, guys.
Um, can we please get back to my shower? It's actually not your shower.
It's for you and Kyle.
You share the spotlight equally.
Mike, I see what you're doing.
Uh, so do I, and God bless him.
I'm the bride.
I don't want to share the spotlight.
Well, it's a it's a Jack and Jill shower, so, legally, you have to give half the attention to Kyle.
How did I not see that before? Sweetie, would you be horribly disappointed - if I forbid you from coming to our shower? - Ohh.
I'd never be horrible at being disappointed.
That's the upside to having awful parents.
Mandy, no.
No, no, no.
Kyle is not going to lose out just because your dad doesn't want to go to a party.
Come on, come on.
Well, we could always do something for Kyle at my place.
Yes! That would be a good idea.
Really? Really? Ryan had a good idea? Yeah.
He has good ideas on occasion.
I don't know why you have to put the boy down.
(Scoffs) I'll be there, Ryan.
Yeah, and so will Mike.
You promise me.
Yeah, of course I'll be there.
All right.
Well, then it's a plan.
Kyle's shower, my house, this Sunday.
Should we say 2:00? Well, what do you say we go with 1:30? That way, we can catch the highlights of the other sh-showers.
Vanessa: Hello, ladies.
Come on in.
You can put your gifts right there on that table, and there's drinks in the kitchen.
Mandy is going to be a little late, even though she lives upstairs.
Oh, I forgot Mandy was coming to this thing.
Okay, I have no idea how to do this, but I'm supposed to find anyone who clashes with Mandy and move them to the patio.
I will give you $20 if you tell Mandy I clash.
(Doorbell rings) - Ed.
- (Chuckles) If that wasn't your valet out there, I just tipped a carjacker.
He was just You You do know the guys are all at Ryan's house, right? Oh, yes, yes.
I'm aware of that.
But I watched the Broncos play the Chargers here last year.
You see, so Need I explain more? Yes.
This is where the magic happened.
Now, with the guys gone, my presence here is even more crucial.
Okay, now I'm even more confused, but luckily, I don't care.
You can watch the game here.
Just stay out of our hair.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, and just one more thing, please.
Uh, bring me a bowl of pretzels in the 4th quarter, like you did last season? Ed, I can only handle one crazy person today, and that's Mandy.
All right.
You know what? As I recall, you were cranky like this last season, also.
This is good.
This is very good.
Mandy: Cameras ready, I am entering! Vanessa: Oh.
Everybody clashed? I've never been to a wedding shower before.
I've been to weddings, and I've showered but I've never put the two together.
There's no shower here.
I talked to Ryan.
We're just gonna watch the football game.
Oh, well, that I've done before, so I'm good.
Ryan: Come on in.
(Laughs) Welcome to your shower, Kyle! You totally got me, Mr.
I thought we were gonna watch the game.
What's going on, Ryan? Yellow and blue these are Charger colors.
Yeah, they're also my favorite.
Yellow and blue are the colors of my grandmother's eyes.
Relax, okay? We're gonna watch the game after the shower.
I got the DVR set up to record No, no, no, no, no, no.
We got to watch the game live.
Otherwise, my powers have no effect.
- Mike, that is so crazy.
- It's not crazy! I imagine what I want to happen, ergo, it happens.
It's science.
- (Knock on door) - Come in.
Hey, guys.
Hey! Hey, what's going on, Baxter? You got us out of a shower just to get us into a different shower? Not cool.
Hey, this isn't football food, okay? You can't eat little cakes with your names on 'em when you're watching football.
Oh, Chuck, yours is right here.
It's a great shower, man.
Here's what's gonna happen I'm gonna sit in this couch, farting, watching the Bronco game.
You can sit and watch it after the shower.
What goes on at these showers, anyway? Do you play games and stuff? Oh, that'd be fun.
I love the feeling of having my hair braided.
I don't think we're going to be doing that one, in particular.
We're going to watch football.
Men don't braid their hair when they're watching football.
I can't even believe you said that in a sentence! Guys, come on.
There's plenty of fun stuff we can do, okay? I Googled a great shower game, like, "Guess what's in the sock.
" My foot.
- "Know the bride.
" - Mandy.
Hey, hey.
How about let somebody else play, okay? Oh, oh, and I got some mismatched tuxedos from a vintage store.
We're going to dress Kyle up and make him play our butler.
Hey, I like to dress up.
You got any denim shirts in there? We're not putting anything on except the Bronco game! Wow, this really bugs you, Baxter.
(Laughs) Turns out the only thing more fun than watching football is watching Mike Baxter not watch football.
Oh, Jeeves? (British accent) More tea, Lord Larabee? Why, thank you, Jeeves.
And, might I say, your attire is splendid.
Hey, you guys are pretty good.
Say, "Pass me me Lucky Charms.
" (Laughs) All All right, hey, hey, this insanity's ending.
Game's starting in 5 minutes.
Now, now, Mike.
This is Kyle's special day.
We can do whatever he wants.
Kyle, have you had enough of this crap? Really? We've been watching the Broncos games since you started dating Mandy.
- I know.
How cool is that? - Great.
But it was really nice of Ryan to do all this.
It'll be a great memory for all of us.
Well, why can't we have a butler and watch the game? Then everybody wins.
Kyle, it's your day, your decision.
And I don't want to tell you what to do, Kyle, but I just want to point out how fun it is to see Mike this mad.
I'd like to take another crack at guessing what's in that sock.
I say we watch the game.
Yes! - Unbelievable.
- Oh, come on! Now, this is a bridal shower.
Listen, guys.
Don't get between me and my mojo.
It could affect your chromosomes.
Mandy: Thank you so much! Kyle and I are so lucky to have this many friends.
You know, at my wedding shower (Laughs) Kristin, come here.
I'm going to be smiling so people think we're sharing a moment, but a story about your wedding shower doesn't sound like it's about me.
Now laugh.
(Laughs loudly) I love you.
Hey, right, guys.
Time for a shower game.
It's called "Watch Eve eat.
" There's also food in the kitchen and an ice cream cake that wouldn't fit in the freezer, so shake a leg, ladies.
Oh, my God, Rebecca, I am so sorry Kristin put you out on the patio.
I have no idea what that was about.
Mandy, Mandy, Mandy.
I need your help.
I'm I'm busy.
Gotta get Kristin.
Trust me.
This is important.
Come on.
That's it, that's it.
Last year, the Broncos were in the red zone, - see, the way they are now.
- Okay.
All right.
And you you were sitting right here.
And you kept asking me questions.
What kind of questions? What are you talking about? Oh, that's good.
That's good.
That's good.
Come on, guys.
Come on, guys.
Punch it through.
Touchdown! That's a touchdown! That was all you, baby.
What are you talking about? What did I do? Save it for the second half, now.
Just Okay.
This is really fun, but I can't stay.
I have to get back to my party, Ed.
Mandy, please.
I don't mean to overstate this, but without you here, the hopes and dreams of the city of Denver, and our brave men and women overseas, will be crushed.
You really think I'm that important? I'm convinced of it.
Me too.
Millions of people are counting on you.
That's the kind of audience I've been looking for.
I'll stay.
And last year you kept cracking your knuckles.
Please do that again.
No, that's not me.
That's Eve.
Please, just just Gotta get Eve! I'll just put all this stuff away.
Oh, come on.
Don't be upset.
One of us had to get our way.
Are you really surprised it was me? You know, I was just trying to stand up for Kyle.
But, as usual, he just caved to whatever you wanted.
He didn't cave.
He showed a little respect.
It'll be nice to have a son-in-law that actually does that.
Yeah, exactly.
He's gonna be your son-in-law, okay? And that respect will turn to resentment when you're calling the shots on something bigger that just some stupid shower.
Listen, if Kyle decides to resent me, I'll just say, "Hey, Kyle don't do that.
" Yep.
I bet you will, because you don't respect him.
I respect him.
Maybe you forgot that I asked him if he wanted to watch the game.
Come on.
No, you didn't.
You totally pressured him into it.
You were like, "Kyle, you had enough of this crap, right?" Okay.
First, I'm going to ignore that really bad impression of me.
And, second, you're wrong.
Kyle made up his own mind.
(Mockingly) And since I didn't get my way, I'm going to just go sit in the kitchen.
(Normal voice) That's exactly how you sound.
- That was a hell of a first half, huh? - That's right.
Wait till you see the interception I have planned for the second half.
I just hope the Broncos appreciate what you do for them, sir.
Well, you know, last year they gave him a Super Bowl ring Oh, no, wait.
Maybe I got that mixed up.
Maybe they're winning because of Kyle.
He's the one who gave up his shower.
Ah, not really.
That was all Mr.
You know what? I'm kind of tired of this game.
Let's play some shower games.
What do you think? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that sounds good, Mr.
Let's do it.
You know, uh, second half's always kind of a battle.
Never mind.
Let's watch the game.
I agree.
The game it is.
Nah, shower games.
Let's do that.
Good idea.
I-I'm confused.
Is Is this a shower game? What are you doing, Baxter? I'm just doing what Kyle wants to.
What do you want to do, Kyle? I don't know.
Where'd we leave off? Look, if you don't care, maybe you should just leave.
And go where? Maybe you'll have to make that decision all on your own.
(Voice breaking) If that's a shower game, it's the saddest one I've ever seen.
What the hell's the matter with you, Baxter? This day was supposed to be about Kyle.
Yeah, I know.
I don't know what happened.
You know, I mean, I've heard Mr.
has a prickly side, but you never expect to actually see it.
Yeah, he hides that pretty well.
Look, it just sounded like he wanted you to make a choice.
Well, I was trying, but he kept changing his mind.
Kyle, look, you're going to disagree with Mike, okay? It's okay.
I disagree with him all the time.
Yeah, but he doesn't like you.
He respects me, okay? Because I'm not afraid to tell him when something he does bugs me.
I don't think I can be like you.
You know, I mean, you know most of the stuff that bugs you I don't even get.
Like, what's wrong with the rising oceans? It makes more room for the fish.
I am just saying that I know where I stand with Mike.
Okay? Which is why I actually feel like I have a better relationship with him than you do.
Well, let's not compete over Mr.
, because I'll kick your ass.
Yes, he likes you a lot, but does he treat you as an equal? I don't think I could ever be equals with Mr.
Well, the first step might be to stop calling him Mr.
So just "sir," then? Kyle, trust me, if you disagree with Mike, he's still gonna like you, okay? And, even better than that, he will respect you.
Like me and respect me? Well, that's the trifecta.
Third and long.
You're on, girls.
All right.
Knuckle-cracking commencing.
Which one's the pitcher? I can't watch.
I can't watch! First down! First down.
Way to go, girls.
Good work.
- Thank you.
- Good work.
What are you girls doing in here? I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm needed.
Mandy, you are needed at your shower, too.
Out there, 20 people need me.
In here millions.
Ed feels like if we don't repeat exactly what we did last year, the Broncos will lose.
Oh, Ed! The girls don't have time to do your silly rituals.
Silly rituals, Vanessa? Silly rituals? Well, you've invited friends over today for some rituals of your own.
- Well, that's different.
- Oh, why? Do you think this shower will determine whether or not Mandy will have a happy marriage? No, of course not.
But who knows? Did the Broncos win the Super Bowl last year because of my rituals? Probably not.
But who knows? The cobra mesmerizes its prey before it strikes.
And after the championship, Kristin bought a house, Mandy got engaged, and Eve discovered her musical talent.
Did all this happen because of what we did here last season? Probably not.
"But who knows?" The reason loved ones gather to do these silly rituals is not to move the universe, but to show each other that we care.
Because there's one thing we do know love has power.
It's the 4th quarter.
You need pretzels.
I knew you were gonna try that.
That's why I took the batteries.
With his mind.
(Eerie voice) Whoo-oo-oo! Okay, you know what? Kyle has something to say, and he doesn't care whether you like it or not.
Give me the batteries so I can turn off the TV.
This is gonna be good.
No, no.
I want to hear this.
Remember this? It's called an on/off switch.
Oh, and I start my car with an actual key.
Kyle, are you gonna say something I don't like? Yeah, um It's my day, and I want to do shower games.
Even though I really want to watch the game, and I mean really.
Yes, and might I add that I am only disagreeing with you because I respect you.
And I want you to respect me and treat me as an equal.
You really want to do this, Kyle? Yes, I do Mike.
"Mike"? Oh, boy.
- I was right.
This is good.
- Yeah.
I'm glad you told me.
You're right to stand up to me.
Both: Whaaaaat? If you're gonna be my son-in-law, it's important that we're up front with each other.
This is the best day ever! I told you.
Yeah, okay.
So, which shower game should we play first? None.
We're gonna watch the game.
But, you know, I really respect what you did.
But I didn't get what I wanted.
Yeah, congratulations.
You're on the way to having the same relationship that I have with Mike.
Except that I like him.
(Laughter) - Hey! - Hi.
Hey, guess what.
I won the football game! She was unbelievable.
She was asking stupid questions the whole second half.
Mandy and Kyle will have a happy marriage - because I brought pretzels.
- Yep.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
So, I could've watched the game here instead of arm wrestling the ballerinas at Ryan's house? Well, you know what that means, Mikey.
If we win the Super Bowl again, you're gonna have to watch the game every year at Ryan's.
(Laughs) In that case, go Raiders! Hey, Mike can watch the game wherever he wants, Ed.
"Mike"? "Ed"? What the hell happened over there?