Last Tango In Halifax (2012) s03e02 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 2
1 Guess the latest.
We've decided we're going to get married.
Right.
'You know my date with Gary? 'Wasn't me he was interested in.
'He thinks you had a fling with his mother.
~ 'And that you're his dad.
' ~ I didn't know there'd been a child.
~ Are you all right? ~ Judith's, erm, she's She's lost the baby.
It's been awful.
~ I got your text.
~ It's true.
They can't expect you to sell your house in 28 days! How else is he going to raise that kind of money? ~ What's up? ~ Nothing.
Someone is going to have to tell my mother at some point, and, if none of you do, I will.
He'd like to meet you.
~ Gary? ~ Alan.
Hello.
~ It's a bit of a shock.
~ Yes.
For both of us.
For all of us.
I mean, Gillian, too.
Yes.
Yes.
I didn't sleep much last night.
Yeah I didn't want to, erm I just Sorry.
I realise I don't actually have anything to say as such.
It's just, I was intrigued to meet you.
To see you, I suppose.
That's all.
She never told me she was Your mum, she never Did Gillian tell you? Gillian's lovely, by the way.
Oh! Well.
So funny.
So sweet.
So uncomplicated.
Her heart's in the right place.
So, what was he upset for? I thought he never wanted it.
Well, no.
He didn't.
I don't know, I've had all this second-hand from Caroline.
Still, I suppose if it was nearly full-term.
God knows what she must have gone through.
Are they even together still? I mean, were they ever, really actually? After a certain point? God knows.
She's cleared off, anyway.
She's gone to live with her sister in St Albans.
And he's been sleeping in Caroline's spare room again.
~ Apparently.
~ Really? ~ Hm.
She's very good to him, Caroline, given what a bugger he's been.
If it was me, he'd not darken the doorstep ever again.
No.
No.
No.
How Can I ask how you met? Erm Well, I married Eileen, Gillian's mum in 1957.
But the woman I really wanted to marry, the woman I was in love with, she'd stood me up.
Except she hadn't.
She left me a message.
Only I never got it.
Celia.
That's right.
I was very fond of Eileen.
But, truth is, I got engaged to her on the rebound.
I don't think we'd have called it that then, and I certainly wasn't aware that that's what I was doing.
But yeah.
Then I met your mum.
At Jessops Chemicals.
Up Huddersfield.
She was a secretary.
And she reminded me of Celia.
The second I saw her, everything about her, the way her eyes lit up when she smiled.
Way she walked.
I felt that same feeling I felt when I was with Celia.
It was I don't know.
Like the world lit up.
And we were weak, we were daft, we were old enough to know better, it shouldn't have happened.
But it did.
Then she left.
And I never saw her again.
Did you TRY to see her again? No.
I suppose if I HAD known .
.
I'd like to think that I'd have done the right thing.
It would have been more complicated, obviously.
No, she should have told me.
She should have told me at the time.
How ever difficult it might have been for everybody.
So you're not coming to this "wedding" then? She did ask me.
Only I said we were busy.
And aren't you? I don't think she really wanted me there.
I think she only invited me cos she thought she should.
I think you're being a bit sensitive.
If she didn't want you, she wouldn't ask you, you know what she's like.
Who else is going? William's coming up from Oxford, a few people from school, a couple of her pals from Oxford, and I don't know about Kate's family.
It's only small, it's all a bit last minute, not everyone's available.
Our Muriel's in Corfu, sadly.
So John's living at the house.
And Kate's on leave now, so she's at home all day with John.
Well, yeah.
Presumably.
Cos he's never at work, is he? I don't know why they pay him.
Contractions are good.
They're painful, but they're on your side.
Your contractions happen when your uterus contracts, and that's what dilates, or opens, the cervix.
Now, dads.
During labour, you may find it distressing to see your partner in so much pain.
Is this your first, not your first? It's it's it's not my first.
It's Kate's first.
So you'll know what I'm talking about.
It is distressing, but you just being there, gently encouraging her to keep going, that is so important.
It's it's not actually mine, as such, I'm just Kate's my wife's girlfriend.
OK So, let's talk about pain relief.
We're back! Dad! Ooh, my feet.
~ Calamity, you're getting heavier by the hour.
~ I'm making you some tea.
Well .
.
I think I've spent up, Alan! You'd better not have.
Not if we're thinking about this Australasian adventure.
~ Are we serious? ~ I am if you are.
Why are we whispering? Is it a secret? No So, have you been busy? No.
No.
No.
Right, I'll pop all this lot upstairs, then I can relax.
~ Can you manage? ~ Oh, yes.
Tea? Coffee? Jaeger bomb? Tea, thanks, love.
Have you had a nice time? Clothes shopping with my mother-in-law.
Step-mother.
Yeah, yeah.
It was a bit of a laugh.
~ How did you get on? ~ Fine.
~ Yeah? ~ Like you said, he seems like a very nice fella.
Yeah.
Yeah.
~ He's odd.
~ What? ~ I felt like I knew him.
~ Yeah.
~ Yeah.
~ So did I.
~ From the moment I saw his face.
~ So, what did he say, what did he want? ~ Nothing.
~ I didn't think he did.
I think he just ~ Just wanted to talk, yeah.
I wish I could've stopped with him longer, but Anyhow, he asked me if we'd like to go have a meal.
Meet Felicity.
His wife.
Oh, so he is married, then? Yeah.
They've two girls.
He meant all of us - you, me, Raff, Ellie, Calamity.
Celia.
He said he'd like to meet Celia.
I said "Well, I haven't told her yet.
" So? Oh, I don't know.
You have got to tell her.
I had Caroline on t'phone a couple of days ago and she said if we If you don't tell Celia, she will.
What the hell were you doing telling Caroline for? I told you! And, look, she wasn't being nasty.
To be fair to her, it's cos she knows how upset Celia was when she found out about Kenneth.
Knowing she'd been cheated on.
Lied to.
And isn't it best to be honest? Really? And coming from you sooner rather than later.
I told Caroline you wanted to meet him first.
And then you'd tell her.
Celia.
She was fine with that.
But now you have met him So OK.
~ So? ~ Yeah, I'll tell her.
~ When? ~ Soon.
Soon! Well, why did you let him go with you? Because I don't know! He just tagged along and, of course, I was daft enough to feel sorry for him.
I should've said, right in front of everyone, "She's not your wife, she's your ex-wife John, you're divorced.
" ~ Yes, you should've done.
~ "She's my wife's girlfriend.
" "She's my wife.
Very nearly.
And you're" I don't know.
A friend of the family.
Well.
No.
He's more than that, he's the father of Still .
.
we don't need to split hairs.
"I know you've had an upset.
But can I just be blunt? "You really, really need to move out, John.
"Before me and Caroline get married".
Yes, well, good.
You should've said it.
He's got all that money we've begged, borrowed, and stolen to buy his half of the house.
What's the problem? I don't think we've stolen anything, have we? Whatever.
What is the problem? Just say it.
Can't you? Sure.
~ Yes! ~ Damn.
I'll deal with it later.
I WILL deal with it later.
They're playing a game.
If I go into labour, he comes nowhere near that hospital.
Course he won't! What's the matter? I don't know.
I don't know, maybe I'm just frightened.
Don't be frightened.
I'm not that much younger than Judith.
Judith's an alcoholic.
What if there's something wrong with it? There won't be.
Why would there be? And if there is, we'll deal with it.
But there won't be.
So.
And you WILL get rid of him? I will ask him to leave.
Oh, God.
I ought to ring my mum.
Hello? 'Mum, hi.
It's me.
How are you?' ~ Very well, love.
~ 'Good.
Good.
Good, how's Alan?' Alan? He's fine.
Caroline says, "How's Alan?" He's fine, love.
'Good.
So, er' Good.
So I've got nothing fresh that I can think of.
Have you? 'No I don't think so.
' ~ Have we got anything fresh, Alan? ~ No.
No.
No (He's not told her.
) 'We thought we'd drive over' on Friday, the day before the wedding, 'then if there's anything you want doing, I can help out.
' Right.
Good.
Thank you.
Is that Ellie? ~ Did you decide on your outfit? ~ Hello, love.
~ Where've you been? ~ Supermarket.
Greenhough's.
~ Not answering your phone.
~ Oh, have ya been ringing? ~ Oggy said you had an argument with Mr Epplewhite.
~ I did.
~ Which one's he? ~ Politics.
I told him he can shove his course work up his arse, and I've left, and I've got a job at Greenhough's.
You can't do that! Well, I just did.
You can't NOT do your A-levels.
What's happened? Well, no, I can.
Not do them.
And then I can earn some money.
Have you spoken Have you talked to your mum about it? No way, she's enough on worrying about me grandad.
~ Right, well, I think you need to.
~ It's none of her business.
No, Ellie, it is! She's going to be very upset if you're going to drop out of doing your A-levels.
You can't work at Greenhough's.
~ That's just a job, it's not a career.
~ You're a clever lass! You don't want to just go chucking it all down the drain.
No, listen, it's good! It's full-time! He said I can go on a fast-track, he said I can be a store manager in a couple of years if I put the hours in and play my cards right, ~ there's all sorts of opportunities.
~ Wow(!) It's money, Raff.
It's not being dependent on every-bloody-body.
It isn't like I've got that many people to be dependent on now with me Grandad being such a loony! I still think you need to ring your mother! Hang on, I can't hear what you're saying, they're all just shouting at each other at this end.
Can I speak to Gillian? Erm Yeah, I think so, hang on.
Gillian! It's Caroline.
What's happened? What's going on? Hiya, Caz.
He hasn't told her.
No, no, no, not yet.
'He needs to tell her.
' I know.
He will.
He needs to tell her soon.
Yes.
I know, I agree with you, I'm working on it.
I do like Kate, you know.
I suppose if Caroline had to be that way, she could've done a lot worse.
It's funny, isn't it? Babies.
They're always welcome when they come.
Even when they're unexpected.
Like our little Calamity.
And now there's this other one.
I know there's something bothering you.
I wish you'd let on what it is.
Is it Harry and that damned silly mess he's got himself into? Well, what, then? I've had a bit of news.
What news? I've been in two minds about whether to tell you or not.
~ What news? ~ It's not, I'm not ill, I I suppose there's a lot about each other we still don't know, isn't there? Is there? Well, 60-odd years not seeing someone, there's bound to be one or two What? One or two what? It turns out I've got a skeleton in the cupboard.
What do you mean? One I never even knew I had.
Well, not What? What is it? Oh, I don't care what it is, Alan.
You can tell me anything.
Nothing's worth making yourself ill over, just tell me.
Just say it, just spit it out.
You'll think I'm like Kenneth.
How could you ever be like Kenneth? I've got a lad.
A son.
A boy I never knew I had.
Well, I call him "lad.
" He's a man now.
You see I had a bit of a fling.
When? Years ago.
Before you were married? No.
So, I don't want to make excuses.
It happened.
It shouldn't have.
But I didn't know there'd been a child.
When? Year our Gillian were born.
Only as I say, I've only just The year Gillian were born? But you'd been married nine years when Gillian was born.
Who was she? You wouldn't know her.
They lived up Siddal.
Mary.
She were called Mary.
Mary Kershaw.
Came to work at Jessops.
She were the secretary.
She, um She had the look of you.
The year Gillian was born, you were? Did Eileen know? No.
It's like I'd said to Gillian, it stopped before it started.
~ It was never ~ So what does Gillian know about it? Her date.
On Valentine's Day.
It weren't a date as such.
It were him.
How long did it go on? It didn't.
Long enough to get her pregnant.
Only the once.
Then she left.
I never saw her again.
I had no idea she were So, what does he want, this Gary? Nothing.
He just wanted to meet me.
And are you going to? Well, the thing is I already have.
I met him this morning when you and Gillian went shopping.
And he's a grand fella, Celia.
And he's very keen to meet you.
Genuinely.
He's the sort of person who genuinely seems to be ~ interested in people.
He ~ So, hang on.
He just rang out of the blue, this morning, when Gillian and me just happened to be out shopping? No.
No.
No, he, we, it were It were arranged.
Gillian arranged it.
Oh, so you were just getting me out of the way? No! Look ~ It were delicate ~ Where? Where did you meet him? ~ In a cafe.
~ Right.
I understand you'd probably rather I'd told you first I'd rather you didn't lie to me about what you were doing.
But, obviously, I were worried about how you'd react.
You see, this is what adultery does to people, it turns them into liars.
Well, no wonder you couldn't have little Calamity, no wonder we had to trail her round with us.
It's been difficult, knowing the right thing to do and the right order to do stuff in.
And of course Gillian's been upset.
But not above colluding with you about deceiving me.
Nobody wanted to deceive you! It was just about knowing when and how to tell you.
Well You've told me now.
Have you seen Ellie? Yeah, she were up at 6:15, she was off to catch the 6:50 bus.
She's to be at Greenhough's at half past.
She didn't discuss this wi' me at all, nothing.
~ You need to be communicating with each other more.
~ No shit! I'm not being an unpaid nanny if she's out earning money.
That is not the way the world works, this isn't cloud cuckoo land.
Also, plus, Yvonne is slinging me cash every week for her housekeeping.
Which I can't accept that.
I'm not accepting that if Ellie's working.
~ Did she even speak to her mother last night? ~ No idea.
Do you just not talk to each other at all? About anything? Hello?! ~ Right, well, I'll have to bang on about it at her, then! ~ Feel free! I'll see her later.
I'm on a shift! After I've done every bloody thing else for every bugger else! What's up with Celia and me grandad? What IS up with Celia and your grandad? They're sat at breakfast table not speaking to each other.
Has something happened? ~ They were up in t'night, I heard 'em.
~ No, I don't think Is one of 'em ill? No.
No.
Nothing like that.
Just It turns out I've got a brother.
A half brother that I didn't know about.
How? You what?! I would like you to meet him.
You see, I think you'd like him.
He'd like to meet you.
I can't imagine why.
He's very I don't know.
Calm.
His manner.
Kindly and unusual.
I was nervous about going to meet him.
But, no, he just seemed to be wanting to make sense of it himself, and apologising, and saying that he knew it was a shock for all of us.
He were being very grown-up about the whole thing, I suppose.
And you want me to be grown-up about it, too? Well? Either we can move forward together, or I don't know what the alternative is.
Maybe I should go and stay with Caroline for a few days.
Caroline knows, by the way.
Caroline? What the hell does Caroline know about it? Gillian wanted to talk to her before she told me, after she met him.
Gary.
Anyway, she thought Caroline'd know the best way forward.
So Kate'll know about it as well, won't she? ~ I mean, does everybody know except me? ~ No.
No! Well, of course I discussed it with Kate, I'm allowed to, she's my partner.
We tell each other things.
You see, this is what I used to hate about your dad.
Him mucking about and everybody knowing.
Then you find out and you realise they've been laughing at you behind your back.
Or else feeling sorry for you.
All who? 'Oh Everybody, anybody,' I don't know.
You lot.
Not in this instance, nobody's like that.
I'm so shocked, Caroline.
I thought he was different.
I thought I knew him.
I thought he was better than that.
You know, when you haven't seen someone for 60 years, there will be things about them you don't know.
I love you.
I love you too.
And I think he does, I know he does, and you know, 'this isn't about you, and I think you need to try 'and step back from it.
' He went and met him without telling me.
'Yeah.
' Yeah Did you know that? 'Yeah.
Yeah.
I' Yeah.
~ Why didn't you tell me? ~ 'I was going to! I told Gillian, I said' "If you don't hurry up and tell her, I will.
" Are all men rotten? No.
No.
A lot of them are, but I don't think Alan's one of them.
If I thought he was I'd have driven straight over there two days ago and ripped his pacemaker out and shoved it where the sun doesn't shine.
He hasn't got a pacemaker.
'No, I know, I know.
I just' I thought it sounded good.
But I would.
'If I thought for one second that he was taking the mickey 'out of you, I'd deal with him.
' I don't think he is.
I think he's a good man.
I think he's made a mistake and I bet he's doing his damnedest now to make things right, because I would imagine that he is terrified.
~ 'Terrified of losing you.
' ~ You're very wise.
'Hm' I wonder who I get that from? Not me.
You're right to be upset.
He was unfaithful to his wife.
That's something that's going to bring back a lot of unpleasant memories for you, but it was a long time ago.
'That's not an excuse, but it really 'isn't a reflection on you personally, is it? 'Can you see that?' I know you're shocked, I know you're upset, and come over here for a few days on your own if you want a bit of time to yourself but you don't really want to lose Alan, Mum, do you? Have I buggered everything up? You've been a while.
I went for a little drive onto the tops.
We were worried you weren't coming back.
I rang Caroline.
Is she all right? Mmm.
Kate's sick of John being around the house all day.
But Lawrence likes him being there, so she's finding it difficult to tell him to sling his hook.
But, no, nothing else fresh.
I really don't want to be small-minded about this.
I'm not Kenneth, Celia.
It happened once.
I were ashamed of it, I regretted it, and it never happened again.
OK.
I'd almost forgotten it'd happened.
Happen I blacked it out, I don't know.
Right.
Are we friends? Course we're friends.
I googled him.
~ Sorry? ~ Gary! I googled him.
You know I said it looked like he'd done all right for himself? Well, he has.
He's owns Cafe Rapido.
Mobile coffee shops, mobile baristas.
Vans selling coffee, and pastries, and cakes, like at railways stations and football matches, and, well, you'll have seen 'em around.
~ I've never been to a football match.
~ They're all over! He started off with one van when he were 18, and now he has whole fleets of 'em, up and down the country.
He's an entrepreneur, he's a multi-millionaire.
~ Is he? ~ He supports all sorts of charities and good causes.
He owns Huddersfield Town Football club! Do you want to have a look? Let me see if I can find it again for you.
You and me need to be having a proper conversation at some point, lady.
~ Gillian! ~ Cheryl.
~ How's yourself? ~ Yeah I'm all right.
Bless.
I've heard the news.
Which? That you and Robbie's been at it behind my back.
Anything you'd like to say to me? I, er You don't know what I'm talking about? No, I'm sorry, that's not going to wash.
It were Robbie that telled me hisself.
Bit of a domestic about the kitchen.
Him not wanting to spend money, and me saying, "Well, this is just a breeding ground for bacteria," then one thing led to another and it all came tumbling out.
So, what I'd like to suggest is, next time you're making whoopee, if you could just ask him to wear one of these cos, obviously, I personally don't want to be picking up anything unpleasant.
Oh, as well, if you're so desperate for sex that you need to borrow other people's fellas, let me give you this.
Yep, so there we go.
Have a nice day.
Mind how you go.
Careful now, don't get too close, or she'll have your kecks off.
I know, and with a face like a bust shoe.
She must be releasing the right sort of pheromones, eh? Oh, I like your shoes! So I said "Fine.
"You can shove your job where monkeys shove their nuts.
" ~ I've had enough being talked to like crap.
~ Well what happened? Nothing.
Just him saying how I'm always trouble.
Me! I know.
Always late.
Really? Twice in the last month.
Always mouthing off, apparently.
Only because I'm sticking up for people, other people, against him being a fascist dictator.
I said, I told him, "My father was a union man.
"I'm not apologising.
" Then him just going on about how I'm always Whatever, so I just said "Fine.
Fine.
You know what? "Fine.
For me, this is win-win.
" So you lost your job.
No, I I resigned.
How is it win-win? I get time off and I don't have to listen to that jackass telling me what to do any more.
Oh, you pillock.
Where's Celia? Oh.
She was here before I nodded off.
Is the Lexus outside? Yeah.
Celia?! I'm just upstairs! ~ Did you tell her? ~ Yeah.
~ Yeah.
And? ~ She's fine.
Fine how? Obviously, it were a shock to start with.
But, I don't know, Caroline seemed to talk some sense into her.
Yeah, and, come and have a look at this.
I googled him.
Do you realise who he is? You'll not believe it.
He's a real mover and a shaker.
You'll not credit what he's achieved.
~ Blimey.
~ Yeah.
God! ~ Huddersfield Town? ~ He owns it.
Maybe he'll give me a job, cutting the Astroturf.
Well, ask him.
I rang him, we're all going to tea on Friday.
~ Tea? ~ Supper.
Dinner.
A meal.
Seven for seven-thirty.
~ I'll have to tell Raff.
~ Yeah, I Already told him.
He heard you get up in the night, ~ and he was worried you were ill, so I ~ How did he? Oh, he thought it was "well cool" I think were the exact words.
The fact that you'd been unfaithful to my mother appeared to go right over his pretty little head.
But then again he's a bloke, so What you doing? I'm going to Harrogate.
Hello, love.
~ Celia.
~ I don't want to make a fuss.
I'm happy for you to go and have dinner with this Gary.
I can see you're all excited about it and I understand why, he's obviously a very successful young man, but I personally would find it difficult.
So If it's all right with everyone here, I'd rather be in Harrogate.
Celia, it's not because he's successful, it's because he's, well, he's flesh and blood.
Yes, well, whatever it is, he'll understand He was particular in wanting to meet you.
It's you he's interested in.
And that's fine.
Like I say, I don't want to be small minded about it.
But, equally, you'll understand if I don't want to be there.
And, anyway, it's the wedding the next day and she might want me over there Friday night in case there's anything wants doing.
OK, I won't go.
No.
You're going, I'm not having that.
You're going.
I thought I might cook this evening for everyone as a sort of thank you.
I bought steak.
You're not a vegetarian, are you? No.
I can't do nuts, but other than that I bought this.
Sweet, isn't it? I always wanted a girl.
I mean, I love the boys, obviously, I wouldn't swap them.
But, secretly, I always wanted a little girl, too.
But Caroline didn't want to have any more after the boys came along.
I'm really sorry about what's happened, John.
Yes.
I know you are.
You've both been very kind.
Do you want some tea? Oh, yeah, Mum.
What's this about you and a vibrator and some condoms? I said not to say owt! So actually you got sacked, in fact.
~ I resigned.
~ She resigned.
~ What happened? ~ Nothing.
~ Cheryl came in the shop.
Apparently.
~ I wouldn't have told you about it if I thought you were going to be horrible! And repeat it in front of your grandad! ~ I'll go.
~ What happened? I wouldn't have, Gillian.
What happened? There was an incident at work involving Cheryl.
Who clearly has some form of borderline personality disorder and who got the wrong end of the stick.
Yet again! So, what happened? I can't turn it off.
~ Carry on! ~ Perhaps we should have a chat, Gillian? In my office.
~ Are you all right? ~ Yeah, I'm fine.
So, he said it was a final warning, and I resigned.
NO, hang on.
Why would Cheryl do something like that? ~ Because she's deranged.
~ And she's thick.
Not that she can help it.
I heard about what happened and I just wanted to say sorry.
I should've er I should've warned you that she, er .
.
that she Anyway, she's moved out, she's gone.
Why? Er Oh You've Don't you ever, EVER pull that face at me again, young man.
~ Why? What has? Oh.
~ I did tell you.
~ Yeah.
~ You told HIM? When? We've been invited out for tea to Gary's.
Gary? Oh So OK.
Blimey.
~ So she's moved out? ~ Yup.
We need to be setting off.
~ Sorry.
OK.
Well, look I'll catch up with you later.
~ Yeah.
'So, they're going.
' He's fair smitten with him.
He said he felt like he knew him when he met him.
Soon as he clapped eyes on him, he said he felt like he'd "always known him.
" Which, I mean how can you? It's Gillian I feel sorry for.
Losing her job and then Alan all excited about this fella being a multi-millionaire.
Obviously, it's complicated for She's obviously got very mixed feelings about him herself, but, oh, no, Alan's blind to it.
On the one hand, he's saying he's ashamed he ever had this relationship, and, on the other, he seems to think this fella's the best thing since sliced bread.
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
~ Eh? ~ Oh, no ~ Oh, yes! All these years.
Listen, and I wasn't the other woman.
She was.
Me and Robbie, we just had a bit of a blip, that's all, cos of that loud-mouthed, alcoholic bitch sticking her neb in.
Which? ~ Judith.
~ We're not going to parade all this in front of Gary, are we? What, all our dirty linen?! Oh, hell, no.
We don't want him thinking any of us have sex, do we? Eh, Grandad? ~ Where the hell are we? ~ We're lost.
~ I think it looks dead creepy.
~ So do I.
~ God, this is dank.
~ I'm wondering if that was a wrong turn.
That first one we took way back when we came off main road.
Oh, now he says it! Shit.
What was that? Oh, we're all right.
Keep going.
The worst thing that can happen is we'll end up in Slaithwaite.
~ It's like we're in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
~ Yeah.
Do you think Uncle Gary's a transvestite, Mum? From Transsexual Transylvania? ~ Hey, there's a light.
~ Eh? Where? ~ Over at the Frankenstein place.
~ No.
~ No, there really is a light, look.
Wow.
Look.
Good lord.
Oh, my God.
Blimey.
I was 17, this was in summer 1983 and I had FIVE part-time jobs.
~ And one of them was in ~ Five? Why? ~ How? ~ I don't know, I was saving up to go to university.
~ He never went.
~ I didn't need to, hadn't time, and one of them ~ You didn't hear that.
Do you know Luigi's? Cafe on George Square in the middle of Halifax, ~ I used to wash up there.
~ Thank you.
~ Anyway, there was this old Gaggia machine in the stock room upstairs, been there for years gathering dust, it was defunct, it was ancient, God knows why he never threw it out, but I reckoned I could fix it up and I offered him £5 for it, and he laughed and said, "Gary, you take it, I give you £5 to take it away".
~ That's an Italian accent if you were ~ Yeah.
~ .
.
wondering.
So, but, at the same time, my grandad, my mum's dad, he retired, he was retiring, he was a painter and decorator and he had this old van he'd used for years and years, it was dropping to pieces and I said, "Can I have it?" And he said, "Gary lad, I'll give you £10 to take it away".
So I've got a coffee machine and a van.
What are you going to do? ~ You're going to put them together, aren't you? ~ Inevitably.
Obviously.
~ That was, in fact, my idea.
~ Well, she says this.
Because it's true.
So, where did you two meet? Ah, well, there's another story.
You know Tyson's, the company that makes security alarms and security equipment down in Sowerby Bridge? Well Know what I mean? Now And this is a first edition? No, not quite, no.
God knows what that would be worth, no.
This is the first edition in America, with, look The publisher's misattribution on the title page to Charlotte Bronte.
Isn't that, you know ~ .
.
amazing? ~ Amazing.
I'm SO excited that we've met, Alan.
I feel like I need to know everything, everything about you, ~ and I want you to know everything about me.
~ Yeah, well .
.
we will, lad.
We will.
Good morning.
Oh, hello.
How long have you been up? I couldn't get comfortable.
Then I got heartburn, again.
Then I had to get up to pee, about 19 times.
And then I got all excited, thinking about being married to you.
Aww.
Aren't you simple? Just think, in just over three hours' time we'll be shackled to each other forever.
Have you chosen a poem? I might have.
I don't want to be the only one reading out a poem.
~ I might have written one.
~ Have you? ~ Might have.
No, have you? My love is like a hot water bottle.
That's so flattering, Caroline.
My love is like a thermal vest.
God, you've really missed your metier, haven't you? Shall I compare thee to my Jeep Cherokee? Go on, then.
Thou art more More? Built like a tank and guzzles diesel like it's going out of fashion? Yeah, OK.
I've not thought that one through.
Yeah, well, you've got three hours.
Caroline.
Caroline? Eh, I'm thinking I might wear this suit.
It's the one I wore when we got wed first time ~ in register office in Halifax.
~ Right.
What about you? What about me? Well, what are you wearing? I'm not going.
What do you mean? I can't stand there, smiling.
Nobody's going to thank me if I stand there looking like a wet weekend.
Well, I think you should make an effort.
~ It's Caroline's big day ~ Big day? ~ Getting married to another woman? ~ But You were just saying how nice it were when Kate popped round.
Yeah, well, that was yesterday.
Oh, Celia Don't let this other business spoil ~ Where did you do it? ~ What? Sex.
You and Mary? I'm not going there I'm assuming you couldn't take her back to your house, because Gillian and Eileen would be there.
And who did she live with? Her mum and dad, ~ so that wouldn't have been an option.
~ I don't want In a stationery cupboard at Jessops? In the back of your car? Fumbling about with her knickers.
In the same car, possibly, that you'd brought Gillian back from the hospital in when she was born.
Then going back to Eileen .
.
smelling of HER.
I'm not Kenneth.
The night Caroline was born, the night I lost all that blood and I had to have that transfusion.
I found out afterwards he'd been having it off with someone else.
Kenneth, that same night.
I was in hospital, I nearly died, and he was off, shagging one of his tarts.
Do you know what that does to you? To your self-esteem? Have you any idea? And the year Gillian was born .
.
you're mucking about with somebody's secretary.
~ Ten minutes, then we'd better ~ Yeah.
You nervous? Are you? ~ Can I tell you something? ~ What? Can I tell you how grateful I am to you, for .
.
giving me the strength and the courage to .
.
stop hiding.
You're magnificent.
You're very pretty.
Do you remember that day? That was so mad! Snogging in your office.
It was more than a snog, pal.
I had my hand inside your bra.
Alan.
It's open! ~ Good morning! ~ Yes.
Hello, love.
Very smart! Oh, yes.
Well We've, I've There's a problem with your mum.
Mum, you need to get dressed.
He's no better than your father.
~ Mum, I want you to get dressed.
~ Did you hear what I said? ~ I did.
However, today isn't about that.
~ Look .
.
please don't take this the wrong way, ~ but you don't mind if I don't come, do you? ~ Yes.
Yes, I do, actually.
I really want you to be there.
I'd only make everyone miserable.
You'll make ME miserable if you don't come.
But Kate's mother's not going to be there.
That's because she's in America.
She's working, she's going to come and spend the summer with us, all the more reason why you SHOULD be there.
I was fair looking forward to it.
I'd bought an outfit.
~ And a hat.
~ Good, put them on.
Oh, Mum.
You've got to separate what's between you and Alan from this, today.
Because they're not connected.
I really want you to be there, Mum.
Mum.
Get dressed.
You'll have a nice day with your friends.
Do you remember when I got my doctorate? The degree ceremony.
And you didn't come.
My dad turned up, and I said, "Where's mum?", and he looked a bit apologetic and he said, "Oh she's not here".
You'd obviously had an argument.
And I was really rude to him.
I said "Well there's no point you being here if she's not here".
And it really hurt him, I could see.
He'd bothered to come all that way and you hadn't, and I was rude to him.
It was the biggest day of my life and you weren't there cos you'd had an argument with him about God knows what, but I certainly wasn't part of the equation when you decided not to come.
It was always me that took an interest in everything you did, not him.
The facts on that occasion would suggest otherwise.
I'd looked forward to that day so much.
I'd imagined it, I'd imagined you, both of you, in Oxford - taking you out for lunch, showing you round my college, introducing you to my friends.
I had no idea you weren't coming until I saw my dad on his own down Cornmarket.
I was devastated.
I was gutted.
I know you've had an upset, but these things are not connected and if you do this to me again, then there's absolutely no point in pretending that we have any kind of a relationship.
Please, Mum.
Get dressed.
Right.
All right? What is this? Brilliant.
Where's Lawrence? I don't know.
I expect he'll come with the others.
Whoa, granny! Nice outfit.
She says she's not going.
Why? I don't want to go either.
Oh, now come on! You can stay here with me if you like, chicken.
I thought you said you'd invited Angus.
You can't have Angus turning up on his own, he'll have no-one to sit with.
Hey, and what about your mother? You all right, Gran? I'm staying here.
You'll regret this.
Both of you.
You'll regret it.
What's happened? Please.
Please.
Both of you.
Think about Caroline.
She doesn't deserve this.
I'm so glad you could come.
~ You look great! ~ Oh, thank you.
I'm glad you could make it.
~ Where's Lawrence? ~ He's coming with, um Oh, Gran and Alan are here.
Should we all be heading inside? I'm sorry, love.
I tried to persuade her.
And then Lawrence came round and then he wouldn't come either.
Well, there's no point you being here then.
Is there? If she's not here.
~ What's going on? Are you not at the wedding? ~ No.
I, Caroline Elizabeth Dawson Do take you, Katherine Abike McKenzie, to be my lawfully wedded wife.
~ I've got all this money ~ Why don't we get married? I think we could be comfortable.
Have I got anything to say to you? I don't want to fall out with you.
You're your own worst enemy.
~ Where you going? ~ Home.
To Halifax.
If that's what you really want.
We've decided we're going to get married.
Right.
'You know my date with Gary? 'Wasn't me he was interested in.
'He thinks you had a fling with his mother.
~ 'And that you're his dad.
' ~ I didn't know there'd been a child.
~ Are you all right? ~ Judith's, erm, she's She's lost the baby.
It's been awful.
~ I got your text.
~ It's true.
They can't expect you to sell your house in 28 days! How else is he going to raise that kind of money? ~ What's up? ~ Nothing.
Someone is going to have to tell my mother at some point, and, if none of you do, I will.
He'd like to meet you.
~ Gary? ~ Alan.
Hello.
~ It's a bit of a shock.
~ Yes.
For both of us.
For all of us.
I mean, Gillian, too.
Yes.
Yes.
I didn't sleep much last night.
Yeah I didn't want to, erm I just Sorry.
I realise I don't actually have anything to say as such.
It's just, I was intrigued to meet you.
To see you, I suppose.
That's all.
She never told me she was Your mum, she never Did Gillian tell you? Gillian's lovely, by the way.
Oh! Well.
So funny.
So sweet.
So uncomplicated.
Her heart's in the right place.
So, what was he upset for? I thought he never wanted it.
Well, no.
He didn't.
I don't know, I've had all this second-hand from Caroline.
Still, I suppose if it was nearly full-term.
God knows what she must have gone through.
Are they even together still? I mean, were they ever, really actually? After a certain point? God knows.
She's cleared off, anyway.
She's gone to live with her sister in St Albans.
And he's been sleeping in Caroline's spare room again.
~ Apparently.
~ Really? ~ Hm.
She's very good to him, Caroline, given what a bugger he's been.
If it was me, he'd not darken the doorstep ever again.
No.
No.
No.
How Can I ask how you met? Erm Well, I married Eileen, Gillian's mum in 1957.
But the woman I really wanted to marry, the woman I was in love with, she'd stood me up.
Except she hadn't.
She left me a message.
Only I never got it.
Celia.
That's right.
I was very fond of Eileen.
But, truth is, I got engaged to her on the rebound.
I don't think we'd have called it that then, and I certainly wasn't aware that that's what I was doing.
But yeah.
Then I met your mum.
At Jessops Chemicals.
Up Huddersfield.
She was a secretary.
And she reminded me of Celia.
The second I saw her, everything about her, the way her eyes lit up when she smiled.
Way she walked.
I felt that same feeling I felt when I was with Celia.
It was I don't know.
Like the world lit up.
And we were weak, we were daft, we were old enough to know better, it shouldn't have happened.
But it did.
Then she left.
And I never saw her again.
Did you TRY to see her again? No.
I suppose if I HAD known .
.
I'd like to think that I'd have done the right thing.
It would have been more complicated, obviously.
No, she should have told me.
She should have told me at the time.
How ever difficult it might have been for everybody.
So you're not coming to this "wedding" then? She did ask me.
Only I said we were busy.
And aren't you? I don't think she really wanted me there.
I think she only invited me cos she thought she should.
I think you're being a bit sensitive.
If she didn't want you, she wouldn't ask you, you know what she's like.
Who else is going? William's coming up from Oxford, a few people from school, a couple of her pals from Oxford, and I don't know about Kate's family.
It's only small, it's all a bit last minute, not everyone's available.
Our Muriel's in Corfu, sadly.
So John's living at the house.
And Kate's on leave now, so she's at home all day with John.
Well, yeah.
Presumably.
Cos he's never at work, is he? I don't know why they pay him.
Contractions are good.
They're painful, but they're on your side.
Your contractions happen when your uterus contracts, and that's what dilates, or opens, the cervix.
Now, dads.
During labour, you may find it distressing to see your partner in so much pain.
Is this your first, not your first? It's it's it's not my first.
It's Kate's first.
So you'll know what I'm talking about.
It is distressing, but you just being there, gently encouraging her to keep going, that is so important.
It's it's not actually mine, as such, I'm just Kate's my wife's girlfriend.
OK So, let's talk about pain relief.
We're back! Dad! Ooh, my feet.
~ Calamity, you're getting heavier by the hour.
~ I'm making you some tea.
Well .
.
I think I've spent up, Alan! You'd better not have.
Not if we're thinking about this Australasian adventure.
~ Are we serious? ~ I am if you are.
Why are we whispering? Is it a secret? No So, have you been busy? No.
No.
No.
Right, I'll pop all this lot upstairs, then I can relax.
~ Can you manage? ~ Oh, yes.
Tea? Coffee? Jaeger bomb? Tea, thanks, love.
Have you had a nice time? Clothes shopping with my mother-in-law.
Step-mother.
Yeah, yeah.
It was a bit of a laugh.
~ How did you get on? ~ Fine.
~ Yeah? ~ Like you said, he seems like a very nice fella.
Yeah.
Yeah.
~ He's odd.
~ What? ~ I felt like I knew him.
~ Yeah.
~ Yeah.
~ So did I.
~ From the moment I saw his face.
~ So, what did he say, what did he want? ~ Nothing.
~ I didn't think he did.
I think he just ~ Just wanted to talk, yeah.
I wish I could've stopped with him longer, but Anyhow, he asked me if we'd like to go have a meal.
Meet Felicity.
His wife.
Oh, so he is married, then? Yeah.
They've two girls.
He meant all of us - you, me, Raff, Ellie, Calamity.
Celia.
He said he'd like to meet Celia.
I said "Well, I haven't told her yet.
" So? Oh, I don't know.
You have got to tell her.
I had Caroline on t'phone a couple of days ago and she said if we If you don't tell Celia, she will.
What the hell were you doing telling Caroline for? I told you! And, look, she wasn't being nasty.
To be fair to her, it's cos she knows how upset Celia was when she found out about Kenneth.
Knowing she'd been cheated on.
Lied to.
And isn't it best to be honest? Really? And coming from you sooner rather than later.
I told Caroline you wanted to meet him first.
And then you'd tell her.
Celia.
She was fine with that.
But now you have met him So OK.
~ So? ~ Yeah, I'll tell her.
~ When? ~ Soon.
Soon! Well, why did you let him go with you? Because I don't know! He just tagged along and, of course, I was daft enough to feel sorry for him.
I should've said, right in front of everyone, "She's not your wife, she's your ex-wife John, you're divorced.
" ~ Yes, you should've done.
~ "She's my wife's girlfriend.
" "She's my wife.
Very nearly.
And you're" I don't know.
A friend of the family.
Well.
No.
He's more than that, he's the father of Still .
.
we don't need to split hairs.
"I know you've had an upset.
But can I just be blunt? "You really, really need to move out, John.
"Before me and Caroline get married".
Yes, well, good.
You should've said it.
He's got all that money we've begged, borrowed, and stolen to buy his half of the house.
What's the problem? I don't think we've stolen anything, have we? Whatever.
What is the problem? Just say it.
Can't you? Sure.
~ Yes! ~ Damn.
I'll deal with it later.
I WILL deal with it later.
They're playing a game.
If I go into labour, he comes nowhere near that hospital.
Course he won't! What's the matter? I don't know.
I don't know, maybe I'm just frightened.
Don't be frightened.
I'm not that much younger than Judith.
Judith's an alcoholic.
What if there's something wrong with it? There won't be.
Why would there be? And if there is, we'll deal with it.
But there won't be.
So.
And you WILL get rid of him? I will ask him to leave.
Oh, God.
I ought to ring my mum.
Hello? 'Mum, hi.
It's me.
How are you?' ~ Very well, love.
~ 'Good.
Good.
Good, how's Alan?' Alan? He's fine.
Caroline says, "How's Alan?" He's fine, love.
'Good.
So, er' Good.
So I've got nothing fresh that I can think of.
Have you? 'No I don't think so.
' ~ Have we got anything fresh, Alan? ~ No.
No.
No (He's not told her.
) 'We thought we'd drive over' on Friday, the day before the wedding, 'then if there's anything you want doing, I can help out.
' Right.
Good.
Thank you.
Is that Ellie? ~ Did you decide on your outfit? ~ Hello, love.
~ Where've you been? ~ Supermarket.
Greenhough's.
~ Not answering your phone.
~ Oh, have ya been ringing? ~ Oggy said you had an argument with Mr Epplewhite.
~ I did.
~ Which one's he? ~ Politics.
I told him he can shove his course work up his arse, and I've left, and I've got a job at Greenhough's.
You can't do that! Well, I just did.
You can't NOT do your A-levels.
What's happened? Well, no, I can.
Not do them.
And then I can earn some money.
Have you spoken Have you talked to your mum about it? No way, she's enough on worrying about me grandad.
~ Right, well, I think you need to.
~ It's none of her business.
No, Ellie, it is! She's going to be very upset if you're going to drop out of doing your A-levels.
You can't work at Greenhough's.
~ That's just a job, it's not a career.
~ You're a clever lass! You don't want to just go chucking it all down the drain.
No, listen, it's good! It's full-time! He said I can go on a fast-track, he said I can be a store manager in a couple of years if I put the hours in and play my cards right, ~ there's all sorts of opportunities.
~ Wow(!) It's money, Raff.
It's not being dependent on every-bloody-body.
It isn't like I've got that many people to be dependent on now with me Grandad being such a loony! I still think you need to ring your mother! Hang on, I can't hear what you're saying, they're all just shouting at each other at this end.
Can I speak to Gillian? Erm Yeah, I think so, hang on.
Gillian! It's Caroline.
What's happened? What's going on? Hiya, Caz.
He hasn't told her.
No, no, no, not yet.
'He needs to tell her.
' I know.
He will.
He needs to tell her soon.
Yes.
I know, I agree with you, I'm working on it.
I do like Kate, you know.
I suppose if Caroline had to be that way, she could've done a lot worse.
It's funny, isn't it? Babies.
They're always welcome when they come.
Even when they're unexpected.
Like our little Calamity.
And now there's this other one.
I know there's something bothering you.
I wish you'd let on what it is.
Is it Harry and that damned silly mess he's got himself into? Well, what, then? I've had a bit of news.
What news? I've been in two minds about whether to tell you or not.
~ What news? ~ It's not, I'm not ill, I I suppose there's a lot about each other we still don't know, isn't there? Is there? Well, 60-odd years not seeing someone, there's bound to be one or two What? One or two what? It turns out I've got a skeleton in the cupboard.
What do you mean? One I never even knew I had.
Well, not What? What is it? Oh, I don't care what it is, Alan.
You can tell me anything.
Nothing's worth making yourself ill over, just tell me.
Just say it, just spit it out.
You'll think I'm like Kenneth.
How could you ever be like Kenneth? I've got a lad.
A son.
A boy I never knew I had.
Well, I call him "lad.
" He's a man now.
You see I had a bit of a fling.
When? Years ago.
Before you were married? No.
So, I don't want to make excuses.
It happened.
It shouldn't have.
But I didn't know there'd been a child.
When? Year our Gillian were born.
Only as I say, I've only just The year Gillian were born? But you'd been married nine years when Gillian was born.
Who was she? You wouldn't know her.
They lived up Siddal.
Mary.
She were called Mary.
Mary Kershaw.
Came to work at Jessops.
She were the secretary.
She, um She had the look of you.
The year Gillian was born, you were? Did Eileen know? No.
It's like I'd said to Gillian, it stopped before it started.
~ It was never ~ So what does Gillian know about it? Her date.
On Valentine's Day.
It weren't a date as such.
It were him.
How long did it go on? It didn't.
Long enough to get her pregnant.
Only the once.
Then she left.
I never saw her again.
I had no idea she were So, what does he want, this Gary? Nothing.
He just wanted to meet me.
And are you going to? Well, the thing is I already have.
I met him this morning when you and Gillian went shopping.
And he's a grand fella, Celia.
And he's very keen to meet you.
Genuinely.
He's the sort of person who genuinely seems to be ~ interested in people.
He ~ So, hang on.
He just rang out of the blue, this morning, when Gillian and me just happened to be out shopping? No.
No.
No, he, we, it were It were arranged.
Gillian arranged it.
Oh, so you were just getting me out of the way? No! Look ~ It were delicate ~ Where? Where did you meet him? ~ In a cafe.
~ Right.
I understand you'd probably rather I'd told you first I'd rather you didn't lie to me about what you were doing.
But, obviously, I were worried about how you'd react.
You see, this is what adultery does to people, it turns them into liars.
Well, no wonder you couldn't have little Calamity, no wonder we had to trail her round with us.
It's been difficult, knowing the right thing to do and the right order to do stuff in.
And of course Gillian's been upset.
But not above colluding with you about deceiving me.
Nobody wanted to deceive you! It was just about knowing when and how to tell you.
Well You've told me now.
Have you seen Ellie? Yeah, she were up at 6:15, she was off to catch the 6:50 bus.
She's to be at Greenhough's at half past.
She didn't discuss this wi' me at all, nothing.
~ You need to be communicating with each other more.
~ No shit! I'm not being an unpaid nanny if she's out earning money.
That is not the way the world works, this isn't cloud cuckoo land.
Also, plus, Yvonne is slinging me cash every week for her housekeeping.
Which I can't accept that.
I'm not accepting that if Ellie's working.
~ Did she even speak to her mother last night? ~ No idea.
Do you just not talk to each other at all? About anything? Hello?! ~ Right, well, I'll have to bang on about it at her, then! ~ Feel free! I'll see her later.
I'm on a shift! After I've done every bloody thing else for every bugger else! What's up with Celia and me grandad? What IS up with Celia and your grandad? They're sat at breakfast table not speaking to each other.
Has something happened? ~ They were up in t'night, I heard 'em.
~ No, I don't think Is one of 'em ill? No.
No.
Nothing like that.
Just It turns out I've got a brother.
A half brother that I didn't know about.
How? You what?! I would like you to meet him.
You see, I think you'd like him.
He'd like to meet you.
I can't imagine why.
He's very I don't know.
Calm.
His manner.
Kindly and unusual.
I was nervous about going to meet him.
But, no, he just seemed to be wanting to make sense of it himself, and apologising, and saying that he knew it was a shock for all of us.
He were being very grown-up about the whole thing, I suppose.
And you want me to be grown-up about it, too? Well? Either we can move forward together, or I don't know what the alternative is.
Maybe I should go and stay with Caroline for a few days.
Caroline knows, by the way.
Caroline? What the hell does Caroline know about it? Gillian wanted to talk to her before she told me, after she met him.
Gary.
Anyway, she thought Caroline'd know the best way forward.
So Kate'll know about it as well, won't she? ~ I mean, does everybody know except me? ~ No.
No! Well, of course I discussed it with Kate, I'm allowed to, she's my partner.
We tell each other things.
You see, this is what I used to hate about your dad.
Him mucking about and everybody knowing.
Then you find out and you realise they've been laughing at you behind your back.
Or else feeling sorry for you.
All who? 'Oh Everybody, anybody,' I don't know.
You lot.
Not in this instance, nobody's like that.
I'm so shocked, Caroline.
I thought he was different.
I thought I knew him.
I thought he was better than that.
You know, when you haven't seen someone for 60 years, there will be things about them you don't know.
I love you.
I love you too.
And I think he does, I know he does, and you know, 'this isn't about you, and I think you need to try 'and step back from it.
' He went and met him without telling me.
'Yeah.
' Yeah Did you know that? 'Yeah.
Yeah.
I' Yeah.
~ Why didn't you tell me? ~ 'I was going to! I told Gillian, I said' "If you don't hurry up and tell her, I will.
" Are all men rotten? No.
No.
A lot of them are, but I don't think Alan's one of them.
If I thought he was I'd have driven straight over there two days ago and ripped his pacemaker out and shoved it where the sun doesn't shine.
He hasn't got a pacemaker.
'No, I know, I know.
I just' I thought it sounded good.
But I would.
'If I thought for one second that he was taking the mickey 'out of you, I'd deal with him.
' I don't think he is.
I think he's a good man.
I think he's made a mistake and I bet he's doing his damnedest now to make things right, because I would imagine that he is terrified.
~ 'Terrified of losing you.
' ~ You're very wise.
'Hm' I wonder who I get that from? Not me.
You're right to be upset.
He was unfaithful to his wife.
That's something that's going to bring back a lot of unpleasant memories for you, but it was a long time ago.
'That's not an excuse, but it really 'isn't a reflection on you personally, is it? 'Can you see that?' I know you're shocked, I know you're upset, and come over here for a few days on your own if you want a bit of time to yourself but you don't really want to lose Alan, Mum, do you? Have I buggered everything up? You've been a while.
I went for a little drive onto the tops.
We were worried you weren't coming back.
I rang Caroline.
Is she all right? Mmm.
Kate's sick of John being around the house all day.
But Lawrence likes him being there, so she's finding it difficult to tell him to sling his hook.
But, no, nothing else fresh.
I really don't want to be small-minded about this.
I'm not Kenneth, Celia.
It happened once.
I were ashamed of it, I regretted it, and it never happened again.
OK.
I'd almost forgotten it'd happened.
Happen I blacked it out, I don't know.
Right.
Are we friends? Course we're friends.
I googled him.
~ Sorry? ~ Gary! I googled him.
You know I said it looked like he'd done all right for himself? Well, he has.
He's owns Cafe Rapido.
Mobile coffee shops, mobile baristas.
Vans selling coffee, and pastries, and cakes, like at railways stations and football matches, and, well, you'll have seen 'em around.
~ I've never been to a football match.
~ They're all over! He started off with one van when he were 18, and now he has whole fleets of 'em, up and down the country.
He's an entrepreneur, he's a multi-millionaire.
~ Is he? ~ He supports all sorts of charities and good causes.
He owns Huddersfield Town Football club! Do you want to have a look? Let me see if I can find it again for you.
You and me need to be having a proper conversation at some point, lady.
~ Gillian! ~ Cheryl.
~ How's yourself? ~ Yeah I'm all right.
Bless.
I've heard the news.
Which? That you and Robbie's been at it behind my back.
Anything you'd like to say to me? I, er You don't know what I'm talking about? No, I'm sorry, that's not going to wash.
It were Robbie that telled me hisself.
Bit of a domestic about the kitchen.
Him not wanting to spend money, and me saying, "Well, this is just a breeding ground for bacteria," then one thing led to another and it all came tumbling out.
So, what I'd like to suggest is, next time you're making whoopee, if you could just ask him to wear one of these cos, obviously, I personally don't want to be picking up anything unpleasant.
Oh, as well, if you're so desperate for sex that you need to borrow other people's fellas, let me give you this.
Yep, so there we go.
Have a nice day.
Mind how you go.
Careful now, don't get too close, or she'll have your kecks off.
I know, and with a face like a bust shoe.
She must be releasing the right sort of pheromones, eh? Oh, I like your shoes! So I said "Fine.
"You can shove your job where monkeys shove their nuts.
" ~ I've had enough being talked to like crap.
~ Well what happened? Nothing.
Just him saying how I'm always trouble.
Me! I know.
Always late.
Really? Twice in the last month.
Always mouthing off, apparently.
Only because I'm sticking up for people, other people, against him being a fascist dictator.
I said, I told him, "My father was a union man.
"I'm not apologising.
" Then him just going on about how I'm always Whatever, so I just said "Fine.
Fine.
You know what? "Fine.
For me, this is win-win.
" So you lost your job.
No, I I resigned.
How is it win-win? I get time off and I don't have to listen to that jackass telling me what to do any more.
Oh, you pillock.
Where's Celia? Oh.
She was here before I nodded off.
Is the Lexus outside? Yeah.
Celia?! I'm just upstairs! ~ Did you tell her? ~ Yeah.
~ Yeah.
And? ~ She's fine.
Fine how? Obviously, it were a shock to start with.
But, I don't know, Caroline seemed to talk some sense into her.
Yeah, and, come and have a look at this.
I googled him.
Do you realise who he is? You'll not believe it.
He's a real mover and a shaker.
You'll not credit what he's achieved.
~ Blimey.
~ Yeah.
God! ~ Huddersfield Town? ~ He owns it.
Maybe he'll give me a job, cutting the Astroturf.
Well, ask him.
I rang him, we're all going to tea on Friday.
~ Tea? ~ Supper.
Dinner.
A meal.
Seven for seven-thirty.
~ I'll have to tell Raff.
~ Yeah, I Already told him.
He heard you get up in the night, ~ and he was worried you were ill, so I ~ How did he? Oh, he thought it was "well cool" I think were the exact words.
The fact that you'd been unfaithful to my mother appeared to go right over his pretty little head.
But then again he's a bloke, so What you doing? I'm going to Harrogate.
Hello, love.
~ Celia.
~ I don't want to make a fuss.
I'm happy for you to go and have dinner with this Gary.
I can see you're all excited about it and I understand why, he's obviously a very successful young man, but I personally would find it difficult.
So If it's all right with everyone here, I'd rather be in Harrogate.
Celia, it's not because he's successful, it's because he's, well, he's flesh and blood.
Yes, well, whatever it is, he'll understand He was particular in wanting to meet you.
It's you he's interested in.
And that's fine.
Like I say, I don't want to be small minded about it.
But, equally, you'll understand if I don't want to be there.
And, anyway, it's the wedding the next day and she might want me over there Friday night in case there's anything wants doing.
OK, I won't go.
No.
You're going, I'm not having that.
You're going.
I thought I might cook this evening for everyone as a sort of thank you.
I bought steak.
You're not a vegetarian, are you? No.
I can't do nuts, but other than that I bought this.
Sweet, isn't it? I always wanted a girl.
I mean, I love the boys, obviously, I wouldn't swap them.
But, secretly, I always wanted a little girl, too.
But Caroline didn't want to have any more after the boys came along.
I'm really sorry about what's happened, John.
Yes.
I know you are.
You've both been very kind.
Do you want some tea? Oh, yeah, Mum.
What's this about you and a vibrator and some condoms? I said not to say owt! So actually you got sacked, in fact.
~ I resigned.
~ She resigned.
~ What happened? ~ Nothing.
~ Cheryl came in the shop.
Apparently.
~ I wouldn't have told you about it if I thought you were going to be horrible! And repeat it in front of your grandad! ~ I'll go.
~ What happened? I wouldn't have, Gillian.
What happened? There was an incident at work involving Cheryl.
Who clearly has some form of borderline personality disorder and who got the wrong end of the stick.
Yet again! So, what happened? I can't turn it off.
~ Carry on! ~ Perhaps we should have a chat, Gillian? In my office.
~ Are you all right? ~ Yeah, I'm fine.
So, he said it was a final warning, and I resigned.
NO, hang on.
Why would Cheryl do something like that? ~ Because she's deranged.
~ And she's thick.
Not that she can help it.
I heard about what happened and I just wanted to say sorry.
I should've er I should've warned you that she, er .
.
that she Anyway, she's moved out, she's gone.
Why? Er Oh You've Don't you ever, EVER pull that face at me again, young man.
~ Why? What has? Oh.
~ I did tell you.
~ Yeah.
~ You told HIM? When? We've been invited out for tea to Gary's.
Gary? Oh So OK.
Blimey.
~ So she's moved out? ~ Yup.
We need to be setting off.
~ Sorry.
OK.
Well, look I'll catch up with you later.
~ Yeah.
'So, they're going.
' He's fair smitten with him.
He said he felt like he knew him when he met him.
Soon as he clapped eyes on him, he said he felt like he'd "always known him.
" Which, I mean how can you? It's Gillian I feel sorry for.
Losing her job and then Alan all excited about this fella being a multi-millionaire.
Obviously, it's complicated for She's obviously got very mixed feelings about him herself, but, oh, no, Alan's blind to it.
On the one hand, he's saying he's ashamed he ever had this relationship, and, on the other, he seems to think this fella's the best thing since sliced bread.
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
~ Eh? ~ Oh, no ~ Oh, yes! All these years.
Listen, and I wasn't the other woman.
She was.
Me and Robbie, we just had a bit of a blip, that's all, cos of that loud-mouthed, alcoholic bitch sticking her neb in.
Which? ~ Judith.
~ We're not going to parade all this in front of Gary, are we? What, all our dirty linen?! Oh, hell, no.
We don't want him thinking any of us have sex, do we? Eh, Grandad? ~ Where the hell are we? ~ We're lost.
~ I think it looks dead creepy.
~ So do I.
~ God, this is dank.
~ I'm wondering if that was a wrong turn.
That first one we took way back when we came off main road.
Oh, now he says it! Shit.
What was that? Oh, we're all right.
Keep going.
The worst thing that can happen is we'll end up in Slaithwaite.
~ It's like we're in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
~ Yeah.
Do you think Uncle Gary's a transvestite, Mum? From Transsexual Transylvania? ~ Hey, there's a light.
~ Eh? Where? ~ Over at the Frankenstein place.
~ No.
~ No, there really is a light, look.
Wow.
Look.
Good lord.
Oh, my God.
Blimey.
I was 17, this was in summer 1983 and I had FIVE part-time jobs.
~ And one of them was in ~ Five? Why? ~ How? ~ I don't know, I was saving up to go to university.
~ He never went.
~ I didn't need to, hadn't time, and one of them ~ You didn't hear that.
Do you know Luigi's? Cafe on George Square in the middle of Halifax, ~ I used to wash up there.
~ Thank you.
~ Anyway, there was this old Gaggia machine in the stock room upstairs, been there for years gathering dust, it was defunct, it was ancient, God knows why he never threw it out, but I reckoned I could fix it up and I offered him £5 for it, and he laughed and said, "Gary, you take it, I give you £5 to take it away".
~ That's an Italian accent if you were ~ Yeah.
~ .
.
wondering.
So, but, at the same time, my grandad, my mum's dad, he retired, he was retiring, he was a painter and decorator and he had this old van he'd used for years and years, it was dropping to pieces and I said, "Can I have it?" And he said, "Gary lad, I'll give you £10 to take it away".
So I've got a coffee machine and a van.
What are you going to do? ~ You're going to put them together, aren't you? ~ Inevitably.
Obviously.
~ That was, in fact, my idea.
~ Well, she says this.
Because it's true.
So, where did you two meet? Ah, well, there's another story.
You know Tyson's, the company that makes security alarms and security equipment down in Sowerby Bridge? Well Know what I mean? Now And this is a first edition? No, not quite, no.
God knows what that would be worth, no.
This is the first edition in America, with, look The publisher's misattribution on the title page to Charlotte Bronte.
Isn't that, you know ~ .
.
amazing? ~ Amazing.
I'm SO excited that we've met, Alan.
I feel like I need to know everything, everything about you, ~ and I want you to know everything about me.
~ Yeah, well .
.
we will, lad.
We will.
Good morning.
Oh, hello.
How long have you been up? I couldn't get comfortable.
Then I got heartburn, again.
Then I had to get up to pee, about 19 times.
And then I got all excited, thinking about being married to you.
Aww.
Aren't you simple? Just think, in just over three hours' time we'll be shackled to each other forever.
Have you chosen a poem? I might have.
I don't want to be the only one reading out a poem.
~ I might have written one.
~ Have you? ~ Might have.
No, have you? My love is like a hot water bottle.
That's so flattering, Caroline.
My love is like a thermal vest.
God, you've really missed your metier, haven't you? Shall I compare thee to my Jeep Cherokee? Go on, then.
Thou art more More? Built like a tank and guzzles diesel like it's going out of fashion? Yeah, OK.
I've not thought that one through.
Yeah, well, you've got three hours.
Caroline.
Caroline? Eh, I'm thinking I might wear this suit.
It's the one I wore when we got wed first time ~ in register office in Halifax.
~ Right.
What about you? What about me? Well, what are you wearing? I'm not going.
What do you mean? I can't stand there, smiling.
Nobody's going to thank me if I stand there looking like a wet weekend.
Well, I think you should make an effort.
~ It's Caroline's big day ~ Big day? ~ Getting married to another woman? ~ But You were just saying how nice it were when Kate popped round.
Yeah, well, that was yesterday.
Oh, Celia Don't let this other business spoil ~ Where did you do it? ~ What? Sex.
You and Mary? I'm not going there I'm assuming you couldn't take her back to your house, because Gillian and Eileen would be there.
And who did she live with? Her mum and dad, ~ so that wouldn't have been an option.
~ I don't want In a stationery cupboard at Jessops? In the back of your car? Fumbling about with her knickers.
In the same car, possibly, that you'd brought Gillian back from the hospital in when she was born.
Then going back to Eileen .
.
smelling of HER.
I'm not Kenneth.
The night Caroline was born, the night I lost all that blood and I had to have that transfusion.
I found out afterwards he'd been having it off with someone else.
Kenneth, that same night.
I was in hospital, I nearly died, and he was off, shagging one of his tarts.
Do you know what that does to you? To your self-esteem? Have you any idea? And the year Gillian was born .
.
you're mucking about with somebody's secretary.
~ Ten minutes, then we'd better ~ Yeah.
You nervous? Are you? ~ Can I tell you something? ~ What? Can I tell you how grateful I am to you, for .
.
giving me the strength and the courage to .
.
stop hiding.
You're magnificent.
You're very pretty.
Do you remember that day? That was so mad! Snogging in your office.
It was more than a snog, pal.
I had my hand inside your bra.
Alan.
It's open! ~ Good morning! ~ Yes.
Hello, love.
Very smart! Oh, yes.
Well We've, I've There's a problem with your mum.
Mum, you need to get dressed.
He's no better than your father.
~ Mum, I want you to get dressed.
~ Did you hear what I said? ~ I did.
However, today isn't about that.
~ Look .
.
please don't take this the wrong way, ~ but you don't mind if I don't come, do you? ~ Yes.
Yes, I do, actually.
I really want you to be there.
I'd only make everyone miserable.
You'll make ME miserable if you don't come.
But Kate's mother's not going to be there.
That's because she's in America.
She's working, she's going to come and spend the summer with us, all the more reason why you SHOULD be there.
I was fair looking forward to it.
I'd bought an outfit.
~ And a hat.
~ Good, put them on.
Oh, Mum.
You've got to separate what's between you and Alan from this, today.
Because they're not connected.
I really want you to be there, Mum.
Mum.
Get dressed.
You'll have a nice day with your friends.
Do you remember when I got my doctorate? The degree ceremony.
And you didn't come.
My dad turned up, and I said, "Where's mum?", and he looked a bit apologetic and he said, "Oh she's not here".
You'd obviously had an argument.
And I was really rude to him.
I said "Well there's no point you being here if she's not here".
And it really hurt him, I could see.
He'd bothered to come all that way and you hadn't, and I was rude to him.
It was the biggest day of my life and you weren't there cos you'd had an argument with him about God knows what, but I certainly wasn't part of the equation when you decided not to come.
It was always me that took an interest in everything you did, not him.
The facts on that occasion would suggest otherwise.
I'd looked forward to that day so much.
I'd imagined it, I'd imagined you, both of you, in Oxford - taking you out for lunch, showing you round my college, introducing you to my friends.
I had no idea you weren't coming until I saw my dad on his own down Cornmarket.
I was devastated.
I was gutted.
I know you've had an upset, but these things are not connected and if you do this to me again, then there's absolutely no point in pretending that we have any kind of a relationship.
Please, Mum.
Get dressed.
Right.
All right? What is this? Brilliant.
Where's Lawrence? I don't know.
I expect he'll come with the others.
Whoa, granny! Nice outfit.
She says she's not going.
Why? I don't want to go either.
Oh, now come on! You can stay here with me if you like, chicken.
I thought you said you'd invited Angus.
You can't have Angus turning up on his own, he'll have no-one to sit with.
Hey, and what about your mother? You all right, Gran? I'm staying here.
You'll regret this.
Both of you.
You'll regret it.
What's happened? Please.
Please.
Both of you.
Think about Caroline.
She doesn't deserve this.
I'm so glad you could come.
~ You look great! ~ Oh, thank you.
I'm glad you could make it.
~ Where's Lawrence? ~ He's coming with, um Oh, Gran and Alan are here.
Should we all be heading inside? I'm sorry, love.
I tried to persuade her.
And then Lawrence came round and then he wouldn't come either.
Well, there's no point you being here then.
Is there? If she's not here.
~ What's going on? Are you not at the wedding? ~ No.
I, Caroline Elizabeth Dawson Do take you, Katherine Abike McKenzie, to be my lawfully wedded wife.
~ I've got all this money ~ Why don't we get married? I think we could be comfortable.
Have I got anything to say to you? I don't want to fall out with you.
You're your own worst enemy.
~ Where you going? ~ Home.
To Halifax.
If that's what you really want.