Lead Balloon (2006) s01e01 Episode Script
Rubbish
Hi, are you ready with your lines? - Yeah, I should get it right this time.
- Come this way.
Just that way.
(Man ) .
.
on set.
Thank you, and make-up, please.
(Continues, indistinct) Move along, guys, quickly as you can, please.
OK.
Very close now, guys.
- Got make-up in? - Yup.
- Thank you.
- OK, thank you.
Just check we're absolutely sure on this, darling.
Could you get a move on? It's really hot in this thing.
Now you know what they mean by global warming! Yeah, yeah.
Very funny.
Let's go for a take.
Turn over.
- 37 take 12.
- Cue the fan, please.
OK, andcue litter.
Andaction! Ever have the feeling you've been dumped on? Did you know that 90% of the stuff you chuck out could be recycled? So please, think about what you throw away.
Or we could all end up in the muck.
OK, andcut! Fantastic.
Are you sure I can't say ''shit''? I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain ''Dear pizza-lover.
Is that how I'm known by these people? I've had one pizza off them.
They assumed I loved it.
See this? Look at this.
New kind of credit card.
You get a picture of an animal to go on.
That's nice, isn't it? - Yeah, lovely.
- It's a great idea.
Snow leopard, or a penguin you can have.
Hummingbird.
It's a very sensible way to run your financial affairs.
''How would you like to pay?'' ''With this little picture of a dolphin.
'' I can feel a mediocre routine coming on.
Aw, that's nice.
Louise has invited us to the christening.
- Which one's Louise? - You know, TV chef.
Dark hair.
Presents Meals On Heels.
Oh, the tarty one.
She's very sweet.
And she's been trying for a baby for ages, so this is a big occasion.
- You don't want to go, do you? - God no.
Her husband's a total creep.
You can't just say we're busy for a thing like that.
Gotta have a pretty good excuse not to go to a christening.
I'll say your mother's ill, and, erm we've promised to go up and see her.
Mm Why does it have to my mum? Can it not be your mum who's ill?.
Your mother lives further away, we have to stay over.
It's more believable.
Yeah.
I don't know if I like lying about my mum's health, I'm sort of superstitious about it.
- Yet you're fine with my mum being ill?.
- Yeah.
Not in real life, God forbid.
But as a lie Well, it's your client, I think it should be your mum.
And besides, your mum really was ill last year, it's more likely she'll get ill again, so - Thanks! - No, I'm not meaning to upset you.
Just, you know, she might not get ill again.
It's just that if you're gonna lie, always base it on a truth.
It's basic trade craft, you know, it's the first thing they teach you at MI5.
- What? - It was on Spooks.
Good.
I'll get us out of going, you get the present.
Don't send me off to get the present.
I don't know what babies are into these days.
Blimey! - Is that? - Mm.
- How old is? - She.
- Trixibell must be about three months now.
- (Chuckles ) It'sinteresting-looking baby.
I mean Yeah, she's quite a character.
One of those babies with rather a grown-up face.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's grown-up.
Especially the ears, yeah.
Really quite grown-up.
15 takes, right, because of so many technical cock-ups.
I'm standing there in this giant polystyrene planet costume burning up under the lights, I said ''Now I know what you mean by global warming.
'' That's a good line.
They should have put that in.
That's what I told 'em.
They're not interested in making it funny, though.
All they care about is getting their message across.
So what about this gig on Friday? You got some stuff for me? Cashloans.
com? Yes, I do.
D'you think it'll be a good crowd or just a bunch of psychos like their MD? No, pretty much a bunch of psychos.
But I think once they let their hair down you'll be OK.
So you've written a load of gags that'll get me beaten up, have you? Yeah, but they're good gags.
''Cashloans.
com.
Normally before I do these jobs people say break a leg but that's your job.
'' ''The chef hopes you enjoyed the dinner.
''He tried to pick a dish you'd all know - prison food.
'' - That's funny.
- ''It's great that your MD is here.
''Strictly speaking, it's a breach of parole'' - You know he's actually been in prison? - Makes it funnier.
''I wanted to see what Steve Collier looks like.
''Last time he was in jail I screwed his wife''?! - That's the one.
- You must be joking! It's all right for you to say ''That's the one,'' I can't do that.
- They'll love it.
What? It's fine.
- I can't take that.
You're being too safe.
Don't get chicken.
Start again.
Write some stuff that won't get me killed.
Where is the fun in that? I know funny! Hi, Magda.
Has this just boiled? Who is this baby? Oh, it's Louise Preston's.
She's a client of Mel's.
She's invited us to the christening.
It's very ugly.
Yeah, usually you wouldn't say that about a baby though.
- But he is.
- She.
His ears are huge, like a man.
Yeah, I know, but still Probably nicer not to just come out with it and call ither ugly.
Why, you think it's beautiful baby? No, I don't, but it's just one of those things, when you talk about babies, in this country anyway, you say ''nice baby''.
But if you always say ''nice baby, nice baby,'' it has no meaning.
Exactly, and that's OK.
It doesn't matter.
It's just one of those things you say.
Nice baby.
Still, will be nice to go to the christening.
We're not actually going.
- Why? - Well, cos we don't want to.
So we're gonna say Mel's mum is ill.
But you just say, ''Oh, we don't want to come.
But thank you, have nice day, goodbye.
'' Yeah, that's a bit rude, though, to put it like that.
It's their first baby, that's why we need an excuse.
- It's a lie.
- Yeah, but it's a white lie.
When you lie so as not to hurt someone's feelings, that's a white lie.
So if I meet them, I would say ''Oh, it's beautiful baby.
'' Yeah.
Yeah, that would be a white lie.
It's that.
''Its ears are just the right size.
'' Probably better not to mention the ears, really, cos it's Take a look at this.
Have you ever seen such a hideous baby? I've got to buy it a christening present.
Ouch! Don't buy it a mirror.
- Have you ever seen ears like it? - They're like baseball mitts.
- Are you going? - Nah.
We're gonna say Mel's mum is ill.
- Which she is.
- Not any more.
It would have been ideal but she got better.
- Who are these people, Louise and Graham? - You know Meals On Heels? It's her.
Meals On Heels.
What came first with that, the title or the format? I know.
''Let's get woman that can cook, dress her like a prossie and call it Meals On Heels.
'' Hookers On Cookers.
Slappers On - On what? - Slappers - Come on.
- There's nothing.
Come on, Rick, you can do it.
You know what, I'll probably get to the shops and get that present now.
- Slappers On what? - See you at the café.
- I'll tell you later.
- Slappers On? - Hello! - Hi.
- Was it anything in particular? - I just wanted to have a look.
Of course, I'll let you browse, OK.
- (Mobile plays tune ) - Yes, that is nice.
Is it a present? Yeah.
It's a christening.
Aww! Lovely.
(Whispers ) Sorry, I'll let you look.
- I've got that in a blue as well if you want.
- OK.
(Whispers ) OK.
That's made of wool.
- Is it really? - Yes! - What is it? - It's a blanket.
Is baby, um, you know? - What? - Boy or girl.
Er, it's a girl.
Ohhh! Somebody's coming to say hello-o! - These are fun, aren't they? - Yeah.
Isn't it? Oh, I've got some lovely little bonnets for a girl.
Cute! Mm.
I'm not really sure she'd get her head into that.
Right.
Yes.
Isn't he gorgeous? Lovely! - So - Handmade in Austria, limited edition.
So how much is that? £140.
Yeah.
That's more of a collector's item, I think.
Not really.
- Sometimes they have spikes inside them - No, this won't have spikes.
It's made in Austria.
- .
.
needles behind the eyes.
- It's very soft, look at it.
Still, you know, could be dangerous.
How much is this? Now that is a lovely christening gift.
- So how - You can get it engraved with baby's name.
Where it says ''Baby''.
So how much That's £14 for the cup and £5 for the engraving.
My husband does it.
- Really? - Yes.
Shall I get that done for you? Yeah, all right.
OK, so what's baby's name? Trixibell.
Do you want to write it down, make sure we get it spelt correctly.
OK, so that'll be £14 for the cup, £5 for the engraving, additional £5, so that's £24 in total, thank you.
Why am I paying twice for the engraving? Nine letters, not eight, you see.
It's £5 for up to eight letters, then another £5 It's only one extra letter.
Could you not have a word with your husband? I'm sorry, it is his rules.
Well I don't want to pay £5 for one letter.
- Well, it's the way he likes to work.
- I'm sure it is.
What if I just have ''Trixie''? Can I have a discount for that? It's fewer letters.
I'm afraid you can't, it is £5 for up to eight letters, it does say so on the tariff.
Yeah, but you wrote the tariff.
You don't have to go by the tariff.
- I can't, sorry.
- Course you can! It's your shop.
- I am sorry.
- You can change the rules.
- Just talk to your husband - I won't do it! OK? £5 for one letter.
- Can you believe it? - It's a highly skilled job.
- You're paying for the craftsmanship.
- You're not.
You're paying for some sad, balding loser to sit in his kitchen in his underpants scratching away with an etching kit he got from WHSmith's on his redundancy money.
OK, whatever.
But you're right.
Let's move on.
- So, Cashloans.
com.
- What have you got? How about this? I rang up once, they showed a huge amount of interest.
23% in fact.
That's a bit lame, isn't it? You won't do the strong stuff cos you're scared of this Collier guy.
He's a psychopath! - I hope you've got your little wheel ready.
- Sorry? It's a guinea pig reference.
Running round in their little wheels.
- That's hamsters.
- Right.
Anyway, I was hoping you'd be my guinea pig and sample this.
''Walnut and date, another cake by Michael.
'' Yeah, I'm thinking of branching out and making my own cakes.
Thought maybe you could take it home, share it with your family.
- OK.
- Perhaps give me some feedback? Sure.
Then I could put on the label, ''As recommended by Rick Spleen.
'' Well, thing is, er I don't know about that really.
- Well, be good publicity for you.
- Yeah, but He's right, Rick.
Michael's cakes, your face.
Dream ticket.
I'd like to say yes but my agent might have a problem with taking on Oh, your agent? Oh, I'm sorry, I realise we were gonna bring agents into it.
I thought maybe as a friend Well, anyway, please accept it as a gift.
Any feedback will be gratefully received.
- Thank you.
I'll report back.
- Yeah.
It's a family recipe.
Mother specialised in making fruitcakes.
(Sighs ) This is just impossible.
Every gag leads back to them being a bunch of thugs.
I won't mention what they do, I'll just do a load of general stand-up.
You'll be letting 'em down.
They booked you cos you're crazy, you don't care.
That's why they want you.
That's why Mike wants you on his cakes.
You want some of this? - I'm not that crazy.
- Shall we give some to the birds? - They'd eat that? - It's got seeds in it.
- They'd pick it apart.
- They'd peck at it.
- There'd be mice in the garden.
- It's nice to feed mice.
- I don't mind birds - Don't worry.
- Dad, sorry, are you busy? - Yeah, we are quite.
I was wondering, could you cash a cheque for Ben? - Could the bank not do that? - No, not really.
- Um, so if you could, just for like £40? - 40? - 50.
- 50? - Money for drugs? - Yeah.
Ben, this cheque you're gonna write, I'll be able to bank it, yeah? Yeah, course, Dad.
Definitely.
Absolutely.
Well, next month, definitely.
Maybe I should spread the risk.
I give you 25, someone else Maybe try Cashloans.
com.
- Who? - Oh, doesn't matter.
I'll do it.
Oh, thanks.
Have you got a pen? Dad, you know the ad you're doing for the environment? It's like, really, really brilliant.
You don't have to butter me up, I'm giving you the money.
Straight up, straight up.
A lot of my friends at college love it, because you don't mind looking like a total prick because it's for the planet.
But you know, brilliant for that, thanks.
Thank you.
Er, do I get my cheque? Oh, yeah, course.
Cheque.
Sorry.
- Pen! - Pen! (Ben ) Cheers, guys.
- Are you gonna sign this? - (Door closes ) (TV) MmI In goes the cream.
You've got to admit, this is rubbish, isn't it? Who knows? - Now I've got some vanilla - Should have called it Hookers On Cookers.
It's the first of a new series, I promised her I'd watch it.
- Did you get the present, by the way? - Yeah, I did.
Can I see it? It's a little christening cup.
Can I see it? - You want to see it? - Yeah, before we send it off.
All right.
I, er I got it from that shop in King Street.
You know? Mm.
I'll go and get it, then.
Mm! - Oh, it's heavy.
- Yeah.
It's pewter.
Nice.
Yeah.
Sweet.
''Trixie''? - Her name's Trixibell.
- I know, I just thought that sounded nicer.
But it's not your baby, you can't just change its name.
I'm not changing its name, it's an abbreviation.
It's bound to happen sooner or later.
But it's a christening present and they're christening her Trixibell.
- Stupid bloody name anyway.
- Get that engraved on it, then.
Cos it's more than eight letters.
It's that I knew it'd be something like that.
It's always the money with you.
No, it's the principle.
Why should they discriminate against people who know people with babies who have got long names? All right, I'll take it back, I'll change it, if you don't like it.
- Good.
- I'll change it.
Did you tell her we can't go? Yeah.
Yeah, um, it was difficult.
What did you say? So I know, just in case I see them.
I said youraunt was in hospital.
Why? I said she'd been attacked.
- What did you say that for? - I know! I wish I hadn't.
Louise freaked and started asking who did it and had the police found them.
So I had to back-pedal and said attacked by dogs and they ran off.
That's a terrible lie! That's what a child would say.
- She believed it.
- She's a bloody idiot, then.
Anyway, I said we were very sad we couldn't go and that we'd raise a glass to the baby.
Yeah.
Ears to you.
(Chuckles ) Don't.
Poor thing.
Oh, look it's you.
(Groans ) Oh, turn it off.
No! Everyone's seen it at work, they like it.
- Should have been able to say ''shit''.
- It doesn't need it.
You don't think it makes me look like a total prick or anything? No.
It's obvious you're doing it for a good cause.
Yeah.
It is one of those things you do because you can.
We only have one planet and if I can encourage people to look after it for future generations, then I'll have done a good thing.
AndI was paid a lot of money, yes.
Thank you.
- How could they do this? - They're scum, Rick, just forget it.
You try and do something positive for the planet, all they can do is sneer and have a go and try and trip you up.
- It's what they do.
- Bloody journalists.
Going through my bins, how dare they?! - This is bad news, yes? - Kinda bad.
- What is problem? - They've gone through our bins and because they found bottles and cans that I should have recycled I'm some kind of monster.
The commercial that Rick did, telling everyone to recycle.
And you have not done this, yes? Actually, you are the one who throws the bottles out.
- You did not tell me to recycle.
- I said it in the ads! Obviously I've been wasting my breath.
You're just gonna have to do a press release apologising and, I don't know, make a donation to Friends of the Earth.
Not those wankers.
I wouldn't use those exact words.
Listen to this - ''Not so green Spleen is believed to have been paid £20,000.
'' How do they get information like that? - Maybe they went through your bins.
- Thanks, Marty.
It's like secret police in my country in old days.
They would go through the bins, maybe they find piece of paper where you have said government is bad.
Put you in truck.
Bang.
- Yeah, I don't think you've quite understood - (Marty ) Oh, no! - What? - Oh, man! - What? What is it? - They foundthe cake.
Michael's cake.
''Showing just how little he cares for world hunger, ''Spleen threw out an entire date and walnut cake, ''discarded despite not even being opened.
'' I gave you that cake, Magda.
I gave you that cake.
You said you loved it.
Waswhite lie? (Marty ) We might get lucky, maybe he didn't read it.
Hi, Michael, can we have two coffees, please? - Fine.
- He read it.
You're going with the gasoline story? Michael, you know that cake the other day? - Oh, no, that's fine, really.
- I just wanted to explain.
- I was in my shed - Please, don't.
I was fixing the lawn mower, it's one of those cylinder ones.
I used to have a Flymo - Honestly, it's fine.
- I was hungry, and because it's got a pull start, stupidly I'd left the lid off The simple truth would suffice.
.
.
in some clingfilm, but you didn't wrap it that well.
You're incapable of telling the truth, so Beg your pardon? Well, with your attitude to recycling.
Appears you have a problem with the truth.
- I-I have a problem? - Yes.
A problem.
A problem with telling the truth.
Oh, you want the truth, do you? - All right, I'll tell you the truth.
- Rick, take it easy.
I'll tell you the truth.
I didn't want the cake.
You insisted I had it.
And to spare your feelings I took it home, but I didn't want it, nobody wanted it.
Even Magda, who grew up in a country where you have to apply in writing and queue for two weeks for a loaf of bread, even she found it so unappetising that she threw it straight in the bin with all the other rubbish.
I mean, that is the truth.
Thank you for your feedback.
I don't get Many things right the first time In fact, I am told That a lot Now I know all the wrong turns The stumbles, and falls brought me here And where was I before the day That I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it every day And I know That I am I am I am the luckiest Yes, he's sort of done it, you know.
- What do you mean, ''sort of''? - He took it out the back, had a look at it.
- But did he engrave the extra letters or not? - Yes.
Just not very well.
How do you mean? Well, he made a botch job of it, you know.
He did it in the wrong font.
So now ''Trixi'' is in italics and ''Bell'' isn't.
- They are professional engravers, aren't they? - Yeah, yeah.
It's very disappointing.
So what did you do? Did you ask for your money back? Yeah.
I'll get her something else that we can give.
I mean, to be honest, I've had other things on my mind, so You know.
Course.
Have you heard if they're gonna pull the adverts? They haven't decided yet.
I'm going to do this big apology thing in the tabloids and they're setting up a photo shoot of me sitting in a dustbin, so Well, then, that's it sorted, isn't it? Not really.
I mean, you saw what it said.
''More secrets from Rick's bins tomorrow.
'' What are they gonna put? They're just stringing it out.
It's never very interesting the second day.
They'll just be repeating it all.
- Hiya.
- hi.
How was college? Did you get your project in? Er, yeah.
Well, sort of.
Mum, Dad, you know about the whole bin thing in the paper Yeah, I was gonna say, if your friends at college feel let down, I'm sorry.
- It was just one of those things.
- Actually, they found it quite funny.
Yeah, well, thing is that, um, Ben thinks he might have accidentally put a spliff in the bin.
Accidentally, might have? Does he know? Did he do it or not? Erm, he's not exactly sure.
He was like, a bit gone.
Well, thanks for being honest, you know.
- Really? - Yeah.
All right, then.
- OK.
Well, I'll see you.
- Yeah.
See you later, darling.
Did you know Ben smokes dope? I Who'd have guessed? I'm just surprised.
Where does he get the money? I dunno.
(Sighs ) But that's what it'll be.
It'll be the drugs, won't it? In the papers.
It'll be ''Spliff Spleen''.
And I'll have to own up, I can't say it was my daughter's pasty-faced zombie boyfriend, I'll have to say it was mine.
I can't, you know, I'll have to do the honourable thing.
Actually, you could say they were yours.
Why me? I'm not saying I take drugs.
Not recreationally, maybe, just say that you've got MS or something? Oh, thanks! What about all this ''base your lie on a truth''? What do I do, start using a walking stick? Could be in remission.
Just no walking sticks or anything, just a lot of pain.
Yeah, it's nice to know that you're not superstitious any more.
I mean, if you don't want to, then No, I don't really want to.
But listen, just ignore it, rise above it.
Yeah, I will.
Why give 'em the satisfaction? Just End of story.
Rise above it.
Bastards! Utter, utter bastards! At least there's nothing about drugs.
This is worse! Why did it have to be the Cashloans script they found? That Steve Collier's a psycho, he'll kill me.
''When it comes to comedy, we all know that Spleen recycles, ''so our reporters were amazed to find that he'd thrown away one of his scripts.
'' - I'm doing a gig for these people tomorrow.
- Tough crowd.
They've printed the whole lot? The prison food stuff? - Yeah.
- (Sighs ) The ''break a leg'' bit? Yeah.
''The script, written by Spleen himself'' - True.
- So now it backfires you don't wanna claim it? ''.
.
goes on to brag that he had an affair with managing director Steve Collier's wife ''whilst the former judo champ was in prison.
'' It was clearly a joke.
You know, they just put that in to get me into trouble.
Well, it looks like it's worked.
''An irate Mr Collier, 38, ''said 'I'm looking forward to discussing the matter with Mr Spleen ''man to man.
'' - I'm not gonna do the gig.
- What are you gonna tell them? I'll just tell 'em my mum's died.
- You can't say that! - She'll understand.
What? Read.
''Amongst the scraps was a torn up invitation to the christening of TV chef Louise Preston's baby, ''callously discarded'' Go on.
(Sighs ) ''.
.
along with a photograph of the tot, who had an elephant's trunk crudely drawn on her face ''and a speech bubble declaring, '''I eat buns.
''' Anyone want to claim that line? I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain If I know where I'm going, I don't know from where I came
- Come this way.
Just that way.
(Man ) .
.
on set.
Thank you, and make-up, please.
(Continues, indistinct) Move along, guys, quickly as you can, please.
OK.
Very close now, guys.
- Got make-up in? - Yup.
- Thank you.
- OK, thank you.
Just check we're absolutely sure on this, darling.
Could you get a move on? It's really hot in this thing.
Now you know what they mean by global warming! Yeah, yeah.
Very funny.
Let's go for a take.
Turn over.
- 37 take 12.
- Cue the fan, please.
OK, andcue litter.
Andaction! Ever have the feeling you've been dumped on? Did you know that 90% of the stuff you chuck out could be recycled? So please, think about what you throw away.
Or we could all end up in the muck.
OK, andcut! Fantastic.
Are you sure I can't say ''shit''? I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain ''Dear pizza-lover.
Is that how I'm known by these people? I've had one pizza off them.
They assumed I loved it.
See this? Look at this.
New kind of credit card.
You get a picture of an animal to go on.
That's nice, isn't it? - Yeah, lovely.
- It's a great idea.
Snow leopard, or a penguin you can have.
Hummingbird.
It's a very sensible way to run your financial affairs.
''How would you like to pay?'' ''With this little picture of a dolphin.
'' I can feel a mediocre routine coming on.
Aw, that's nice.
Louise has invited us to the christening.
- Which one's Louise? - You know, TV chef.
Dark hair.
Presents Meals On Heels.
Oh, the tarty one.
She's very sweet.
And she's been trying for a baby for ages, so this is a big occasion.
- You don't want to go, do you? - God no.
Her husband's a total creep.
You can't just say we're busy for a thing like that.
Gotta have a pretty good excuse not to go to a christening.
I'll say your mother's ill, and, erm we've promised to go up and see her.
Mm Why does it have to my mum? Can it not be your mum who's ill?.
Your mother lives further away, we have to stay over.
It's more believable.
Yeah.
I don't know if I like lying about my mum's health, I'm sort of superstitious about it.
- Yet you're fine with my mum being ill?.
- Yeah.
Not in real life, God forbid.
But as a lie Well, it's your client, I think it should be your mum.
And besides, your mum really was ill last year, it's more likely she'll get ill again, so - Thanks! - No, I'm not meaning to upset you.
Just, you know, she might not get ill again.
It's just that if you're gonna lie, always base it on a truth.
It's basic trade craft, you know, it's the first thing they teach you at MI5.
- What? - It was on Spooks.
Good.
I'll get us out of going, you get the present.
Don't send me off to get the present.
I don't know what babies are into these days.
Blimey! - Is that? - Mm.
- How old is? - She.
- Trixibell must be about three months now.
- (Chuckles ) It'sinteresting-looking baby.
I mean Yeah, she's quite a character.
One of those babies with rather a grown-up face.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's grown-up.
Especially the ears, yeah.
Really quite grown-up.
15 takes, right, because of so many technical cock-ups.
I'm standing there in this giant polystyrene planet costume burning up under the lights, I said ''Now I know what you mean by global warming.
'' That's a good line.
They should have put that in.
That's what I told 'em.
They're not interested in making it funny, though.
All they care about is getting their message across.
So what about this gig on Friday? You got some stuff for me? Cashloans.
com? Yes, I do.
D'you think it'll be a good crowd or just a bunch of psychos like their MD? No, pretty much a bunch of psychos.
But I think once they let their hair down you'll be OK.
So you've written a load of gags that'll get me beaten up, have you? Yeah, but they're good gags.
''Cashloans.
com.
Normally before I do these jobs people say break a leg but that's your job.
'' ''The chef hopes you enjoyed the dinner.
''He tried to pick a dish you'd all know - prison food.
'' - That's funny.
- ''It's great that your MD is here.
''Strictly speaking, it's a breach of parole'' - You know he's actually been in prison? - Makes it funnier.
''I wanted to see what Steve Collier looks like.
''Last time he was in jail I screwed his wife''?! - That's the one.
- You must be joking! It's all right for you to say ''That's the one,'' I can't do that.
- They'll love it.
What? It's fine.
- I can't take that.
You're being too safe.
Don't get chicken.
Start again.
Write some stuff that won't get me killed.
Where is the fun in that? I know funny! Hi, Magda.
Has this just boiled? Who is this baby? Oh, it's Louise Preston's.
She's a client of Mel's.
She's invited us to the christening.
It's very ugly.
Yeah, usually you wouldn't say that about a baby though.
- But he is.
- She.
His ears are huge, like a man.
Yeah, I know, but still Probably nicer not to just come out with it and call ither ugly.
Why, you think it's beautiful baby? No, I don't, but it's just one of those things, when you talk about babies, in this country anyway, you say ''nice baby''.
But if you always say ''nice baby, nice baby,'' it has no meaning.
Exactly, and that's OK.
It doesn't matter.
It's just one of those things you say.
Nice baby.
Still, will be nice to go to the christening.
We're not actually going.
- Why? - Well, cos we don't want to.
So we're gonna say Mel's mum is ill.
But you just say, ''Oh, we don't want to come.
But thank you, have nice day, goodbye.
'' Yeah, that's a bit rude, though, to put it like that.
It's their first baby, that's why we need an excuse.
- It's a lie.
- Yeah, but it's a white lie.
When you lie so as not to hurt someone's feelings, that's a white lie.
So if I meet them, I would say ''Oh, it's beautiful baby.
'' Yeah.
Yeah, that would be a white lie.
It's that.
''Its ears are just the right size.
'' Probably better not to mention the ears, really, cos it's Take a look at this.
Have you ever seen such a hideous baby? I've got to buy it a christening present.
Ouch! Don't buy it a mirror.
- Have you ever seen ears like it? - They're like baseball mitts.
- Are you going? - Nah.
We're gonna say Mel's mum is ill.
- Which she is.
- Not any more.
It would have been ideal but she got better.
- Who are these people, Louise and Graham? - You know Meals On Heels? It's her.
Meals On Heels.
What came first with that, the title or the format? I know.
''Let's get woman that can cook, dress her like a prossie and call it Meals On Heels.
'' Hookers On Cookers.
Slappers On - On what? - Slappers - Come on.
- There's nothing.
Come on, Rick, you can do it.
You know what, I'll probably get to the shops and get that present now.
- Slappers On what? - See you at the café.
- I'll tell you later.
- Slappers On? - Hello! - Hi.
- Was it anything in particular? - I just wanted to have a look.
Of course, I'll let you browse, OK.
- (Mobile plays tune ) - Yes, that is nice.
Is it a present? Yeah.
It's a christening.
Aww! Lovely.
(Whispers ) Sorry, I'll let you look.
- I've got that in a blue as well if you want.
- OK.
(Whispers ) OK.
That's made of wool.
- Is it really? - Yes! - What is it? - It's a blanket.
Is baby, um, you know? - What? - Boy or girl.
Er, it's a girl.
Ohhh! Somebody's coming to say hello-o! - These are fun, aren't they? - Yeah.
Isn't it? Oh, I've got some lovely little bonnets for a girl.
Cute! Mm.
I'm not really sure she'd get her head into that.
Right.
Yes.
Isn't he gorgeous? Lovely! - So - Handmade in Austria, limited edition.
So how much is that? £140.
Yeah.
That's more of a collector's item, I think.
Not really.
- Sometimes they have spikes inside them - No, this won't have spikes.
It's made in Austria.
- .
.
needles behind the eyes.
- It's very soft, look at it.
Still, you know, could be dangerous.
How much is this? Now that is a lovely christening gift.
- So how - You can get it engraved with baby's name.
Where it says ''Baby''.
So how much That's £14 for the cup and £5 for the engraving.
My husband does it.
- Really? - Yes.
Shall I get that done for you? Yeah, all right.
OK, so what's baby's name? Trixibell.
Do you want to write it down, make sure we get it spelt correctly.
OK, so that'll be £14 for the cup, £5 for the engraving, additional £5, so that's £24 in total, thank you.
Why am I paying twice for the engraving? Nine letters, not eight, you see.
It's £5 for up to eight letters, then another £5 It's only one extra letter.
Could you not have a word with your husband? I'm sorry, it is his rules.
Well I don't want to pay £5 for one letter.
- Well, it's the way he likes to work.
- I'm sure it is.
What if I just have ''Trixie''? Can I have a discount for that? It's fewer letters.
I'm afraid you can't, it is £5 for up to eight letters, it does say so on the tariff.
Yeah, but you wrote the tariff.
You don't have to go by the tariff.
- I can't, sorry.
- Course you can! It's your shop.
- I am sorry.
- You can change the rules.
- Just talk to your husband - I won't do it! OK? £5 for one letter.
- Can you believe it? - It's a highly skilled job.
- You're paying for the craftsmanship.
- You're not.
You're paying for some sad, balding loser to sit in his kitchen in his underpants scratching away with an etching kit he got from WHSmith's on his redundancy money.
OK, whatever.
But you're right.
Let's move on.
- So, Cashloans.
com.
- What have you got? How about this? I rang up once, they showed a huge amount of interest.
23% in fact.
That's a bit lame, isn't it? You won't do the strong stuff cos you're scared of this Collier guy.
He's a psychopath! - I hope you've got your little wheel ready.
- Sorry? It's a guinea pig reference.
Running round in their little wheels.
- That's hamsters.
- Right.
Anyway, I was hoping you'd be my guinea pig and sample this.
''Walnut and date, another cake by Michael.
'' Yeah, I'm thinking of branching out and making my own cakes.
Thought maybe you could take it home, share it with your family.
- OK.
- Perhaps give me some feedback? Sure.
Then I could put on the label, ''As recommended by Rick Spleen.
'' Well, thing is, er I don't know about that really.
- Well, be good publicity for you.
- Yeah, but He's right, Rick.
Michael's cakes, your face.
Dream ticket.
I'd like to say yes but my agent might have a problem with taking on Oh, your agent? Oh, I'm sorry, I realise we were gonna bring agents into it.
I thought maybe as a friend Well, anyway, please accept it as a gift.
Any feedback will be gratefully received.
- Thank you.
I'll report back.
- Yeah.
It's a family recipe.
Mother specialised in making fruitcakes.
(Sighs ) This is just impossible.
Every gag leads back to them being a bunch of thugs.
I won't mention what they do, I'll just do a load of general stand-up.
You'll be letting 'em down.
They booked you cos you're crazy, you don't care.
That's why they want you.
That's why Mike wants you on his cakes.
You want some of this? - I'm not that crazy.
- Shall we give some to the birds? - They'd eat that? - It's got seeds in it.
- They'd pick it apart.
- They'd peck at it.
- There'd be mice in the garden.
- It's nice to feed mice.
- I don't mind birds - Don't worry.
- Dad, sorry, are you busy? - Yeah, we are quite.
I was wondering, could you cash a cheque for Ben? - Could the bank not do that? - No, not really.
- Um, so if you could, just for like £40? - 40? - 50.
- 50? - Money for drugs? - Yeah.
Ben, this cheque you're gonna write, I'll be able to bank it, yeah? Yeah, course, Dad.
Definitely.
Absolutely.
Well, next month, definitely.
Maybe I should spread the risk.
I give you 25, someone else Maybe try Cashloans.
com.
- Who? - Oh, doesn't matter.
I'll do it.
Oh, thanks.
Have you got a pen? Dad, you know the ad you're doing for the environment? It's like, really, really brilliant.
You don't have to butter me up, I'm giving you the money.
Straight up, straight up.
A lot of my friends at college love it, because you don't mind looking like a total prick because it's for the planet.
But you know, brilliant for that, thanks.
Thank you.
Er, do I get my cheque? Oh, yeah, course.
Cheque.
Sorry.
- Pen! - Pen! (Ben ) Cheers, guys.
- Are you gonna sign this? - (Door closes ) (TV) MmI In goes the cream.
You've got to admit, this is rubbish, isn't it? Who knows? - Now I've got some vanilla - Should have called it Hookers On Cookers.
It's the first of a new series, I promised her I'd watch it.
- Did you get the present, by the way? - Yeah, I did.
Can I see it? It's a little christening cup.
Can I see it? - You want to see it? - Yeah, before we send it off.
All right.
I, er I got it from that shop in King Street.
You know? Mm.
I'll go and get it, then.
Mm! - Oh, it's heavy.
- Yeah.
It's pewter.
Nice.
Yeah.
Sweet.
''Trixie''? - Her name's Trixibell.
- I know, I just thought that sounded nicer.
But it's not your baby, you can't just change its name.
I'm not changing its name, it's an abbreviation.
It's bound to happen sooner or later.
But it's a christening present and they're christening her Trixibell.
- Stupid bloody name anyway.
- Get that engraved on it, then.
Cos it's more than eight letters.
It's that I knew it'd be something like that.
It's always the money with you.
No, it's the principle.
Why should they discriminate against people who know people with babies who have got long names? All right, I'll take it back, I'll change it, if you don't like it.
- Good.
- I'll change it.
Did you tell her we can't go? Yeah.
Yeah, um, it was difficult.
What did you say? So I know, just in case I see them.
I said youraunt was in hospital.
Why? I said she'd been attacked.
- What did you say that for? - I know! I wish I hadn't.
Louise freaked and started asking who did it and had the police found them.
So I had to back-pedal and said attacked by dogs and they ran off.
That's a terrible lie! That's what a child would say.
- She believed it.
- She's a bloody idiot, then.
Anyway, I said we were very sad we couldn't go and that we'd raise a glass to the baby.
Yeah.
Ears to you.
(Chuckles ) Don't.
Poor thing.
Oh, look it's you.
(Groans ) Oh, turn it off.
No! Everyone's seen it at work, they like it.
- Should have been able to say ''shit''.
- It doesn't need it.
You don't think it makes me look like a total prick or anything? No.
It's obvious you're doing it for a good cause.
Yeah.
It is one of those things you do because you can.
We only have one planet and if I can encourage people to look after it for future generations, then I'll have done a good thing.
AndI was paid a lot of money, yes.
Thank you.
- How could they do this? - They're scum, Rick, just forget it.
You try and do something positive for the planet, all they can do is sneer and have a go and try and trip you up.
- It's what they do.
- Bloody journalists.
Going through my bins, how dare they?! - This is bad news, yes? - Kinda bad.
- What is problem? - They've gone through our bins and because they found bottles and cans that I should have recycled I'm some kind of monster.
The commercial that Rick did, telling everyone to recycle.
And you have not done this, yes? Actually, you are the one who throws the bottles out.
- You did not tell me to recycle.
- I said it in the ads! Obviously I've been wasting my breath.
You're just gonna have to do a press release apologising and, I don't know, make a donation to Friends of the Earth.
Not those wankers.
I wouldn't use those exact words.
Listen to this - ''Not so green Spleen is believed to have been paid £20,000.
'' How do they get information like that? - Maybe they went through your bins.
- Thanks, Marty.
It's like secret police in my country in old days.
They would go through the bins, maybe they find piece of paper where you have said government is bad.
Put you in truck.
Bang.
- Yeah, I don't think you've quite understood - (Marty ) Oh, no! - What? - Oh, man! - What? What is it? - They foundthe cake.
Michael's cake.
''Showing just how little he cares for world hunger, ''Spleen threw out an entire date and walnut cake, ''discarded despite not even being opened.
'' I gave you that cake, Magda.
I gave you that cake.
You said you loved it.
Waswhite lie? (Marty ) We might get lucky, maybe he didn't read it.
Hi, Michael, can we have two coffees, please? - Fine.
- He read it.
You're going with the gasoline story? Michael, you know that cake the other day? - Oh, no, that's fine, really.
- I just wanted to explain.
- I was in my shed - Please, don't.
I was fixing the lawn mower, it's one of those cylinder ones.
I used to have a Flymo - Honestly, it's fine.
- I was hungry, and because it's got a pull start, stupidly I'd left the lid off The simple truth would suffice.
.
.
in some clingfilm, but you didn't wrap it that well.
You're incapable of telling the truth, so Beg your pardon? Well, with your attitude to recycling.
Appears you have a problem with the truth.
- I-I have a problem? - Yes.
A problem.
A problem with telling the truth.
Oh, you want the truth, do you? - All right, I'll tell you the truth.
- Rick, take it easy.
I'll tell you the truth.
I didn't want the cake.
You insisted I had it.
And to spare your feelings I took it home, but I didn't want it, nobody wanted it.
Even Magda, who grew up in a country where you have to apply in writing and queue for two weeks for a loaf of bread, even she found it so unappetising that she threw it straight in the bin with all the other rubbish.
I mean, that is the truth.
Thank you for your feedback.
I don't get Many things right the first time In fact, I am told That a lot Now I know all the wrong turns The stumbles, and falls brought me here And where was I before the day That I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it every day And I know That I am I am I am the luckiest Yes, he's sort of done it, you know.
- What do you mean, ''sort of''? - He took it out the back, had a look at it.
- But did he engrave the extra letters or not? - Yes.
Just not very well.
How do you mean? Well, he made a botch job of it, you know.
He did it in the wrong font.
So now ''Trixi'' is in italics and ''Bell'' isn't.
- They are professional engravers, aren't they? - Yeah, yeah.
It's very disappointing.
So what did you do? Did you ask for your money back? Yeah.
I'll get her something else that we can give.
I mean, to be honest, I've had other things on my mind, so You know.
Course.
Have you heard if they're gonna pull the adverts? They haven't decided yet.
I'm going to do this big apology thing in the tabloids and they're setting up a photo shoot of me sitting in a dustbin, so Well, then, that's it sorted, isn't it? Not really.
I mean, you saw what it said.
''More secrets from Rick's bins tomorrow.
'' What are they gonna put? They're just stringing it out.
It's never very interesting the second day.
They'll just be repeating it all.
- Hiya.
- hi.
How was college? Did you get your project in? Er, yeah.
Well, sort of.
Mum, Dad, you know about the whole bin thing in the paper Yeah, I was gonna say, if your friends at college feel let down, I'm sorry.
- It was just one of those things.
- Actually, they found it quite funny.
Yeah, well, thing is that, um, Ben thinks he might have accidentally put a spliff in the bin.
Accidentally, might have? Does he know? Did he do it or not? Erm, he's not exactly sure.
He was like, a bit gone.
Well, thanks for being honest, you know.
- Really? - Yeah.
All right, then.
- OK.
Well, I'll see you.
- Yeah.
See you later, darling.
Did you know Ben smokes dope? I Who'd have guessed? I'm just surprised.
Where does he get the money? I dunno.
(Sighs ) But that's what it'll be.
It'll be the drugs, won't it? In the papers.
It'll be ''Spliff Spleen''.
And I'll have to own up, I can't say it was my daughter's pasty-faced zombie boyfriend, I'll have to say it was mine.
I can't, you know, I'll have to do the honourable thing.
Actually, you could say they were yours.
Why me? I'm not saying I take drugs.
Not recreationally, maybe, just say that you've got MS or something? Oh, thanks! What about all this ''base your lie on a truth''? What do I do, start using a walking stick? Could be in remission.
Just no walking sticks or anything, just a lot of pain.
Yeah, it's nice to know that you're not superstitious any more.
I mean, if you don't want to, then No, I don't really want to.
But listen, just ignore it, rise above it.
Yeah, I will.
Why give 'em the satisfaction? Just End of story.
Rise above it.
Bastards! Utter, utter bastards! At least there's nothing about drugs.
This is worse! Why did it have to be the Cashloans script they found? That Steve Collier's a psycho, he'll kill me.
''When it comes to comedy, we all know that Spleen recycles, ''so our reporters were amazed to find that he'd thrown away one of his scripts.
'' - I'm doing a gig for these people tomorrow.
- Tough crowd.
They've printed the whole lot? The prison food stuff? - Yeah.
- (Sighs ) The ''break a leg'' bit? Yeah.
''The script, written by Spleen himself'' - True.
- So now it backfires you don't wanna claim it? ''.
.
goes on to brag that he had an affair with managing director Steve Collier's wife ''whilst the former judo champ was in prison.
'' It was clearly a joke.
You know, they just put that in to get me into trouble.
Well, it looks like it's worked.
''An irate Mr Collier, 38, ''said 'I'm looking forward to discussing the matter with Mr Spleen ''man to man.
'' - I'm not gonna do the gig.
- What are you gonna tell them? I'll just tell 'em my mum's died.
- You can't say that! - She'll understand.
What? Read.
''Amongst the scraps was a torn up invitation to the christening of TV chef Louise Preston's baby, ''callously discarded'' Go on.
(Sighs ) ''.
.
along with a photograph of the tot, who had an elephant's trunk crudely drawn on her face ''and a speech bubble declaring, '''I eat buns.
''' Anyone want to claim that line? I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain If I know where I'm going, I don't know from where I came