Lead Balloon (2006) s01e03 Episode Script
£5000
And the winner in the Regional Achievement Category of Best Supervisor is Luton branch manager, Graham McLean.
(Cheering and applause ) (Drunkenly) Yay! Come on! I knew I was gonna win this, cos I'm better than the other wankers that were up for it.
(Laughter) None of that matters now, cos I'm the best! - (Applause ) - Graham McLean.
Excuse me, I ain't finished, all right? D'you know what? You were fourth choice to do this.
(Laughter) Rick Spleen, fourth choice.
(Laughter) Behind that twat who does the penguin ad.
Why don't you p-p-p-piss off, eh? - You're embarrassing yourself.
- Yeah, yeah.
You're crap, you.
(Laughter) Here's a joke - what's the difference between Rick Spleen and a packet of Polos? Old gag, old gag.
People like Polos.
- (Laughter) - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, here's a new one.
What d'you get if you cross a lump of shit with a dwarf? You're losing them, I don't think Rick Spleen.
(Laughter) Get yer hands off, get yer hands off me! Get off, get off! How many Rick Spleens does it take to change a light bulb? - Doesn't matter cos he's a - (Feedback) (Laughter) I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain I still don't understand how it happened.
You know how it is, I was cracking gags at his expense and he couldn't handle it.
Well, you should sue.
They hire you to be funny.
When you are, you get punched.
I don't want to involve lawyers, I'll just rise above it.
Put this on, stop infection.
I don't think it's that bad, Magda.
It is quite bad, actually, but still, I don't think I want to put vodka on it, thank you.
- Septic.
- Sceptic.
Septic.
Many times in my town the men would have fights and this was good for the cuts.
This wasn't a fight, Magda.
I wasn't brawling in a pub car park, this is a work thing.
Ah, they did not find your jokes funny.
No, the opposite actually.
I was being too funny, that was the problem.
Of course.
I will leave there.
I've got this meeting tomorrow, and I'll have to walk in looking like this.
I don't think they'll notice it.
Marty will.
He's coming today.
I'll have jokes from him all day - ''Oh, you look like a panda.
'' Oh, well, have fun.
You couldn't lend me 20 quid, could you? Why? I won't have time for the bank now.
You're worse than Sam.
We're having a whip-round for the cleaner at work, it's her birthday.
What, 20? It's a special birthday? Oh, don't be so tight.
I'm not, it's justthere's six of you there, that's £120.
Yeah, and? What's the problem? What you gonna give her next year, another 20? Cos she'll be expecting it.
What about Christmas? What's she doing with all this money? You are so mean.
No, I just don't approve of showering people with money when they'll hand their notice in any minute.
She's been there for years.
If it's a good cause, I'm the first one to help out, but that! When have you ever done that? Well Michael, at the café, he's doing the sponsored skipping thing.
I put my name down for that.
So did I, everybody did.
How much did you put down then? 5p.
5p, and I'm tight? 5 bloody p! - How much did you put? - Five pounds.
You put yourself down for a fiver? Yes, I did.
It's per skip.
You sponsor him for every skip that he does.
Didn't you wonder why everyone else was putting 2p and 5p next to their names? Well I assumed they were just trying to humour him.
It's quite clear on the form.
So, you've sponsored Michael £5 for every skip that he does.
That's hundreds of pounds.
He'd have to be insane to think I meant that.
Ow! OK, so tomorrow at the meeting, we outline the format for the show and examples of round one, round two.
And then samples of funny questions, funny answers, then a description of the kind of clips we might play.
- When are you gonna do the jokes? - What jokes? About my eye.
What about your eye? Come on, I look like a panda.
Yeah? Oh, I see, you've got a kind of black eye.
- What do you mean? This is a black eye.
- Whatever.
So, you start the basic pitch, then I'll fill them in as we go along.
- D'you wanna know how it happened? - No.
- I can tell you do wanna know.
- I don't.
- This happened at the gig last night.
- None of my business, really.
Actually, I think it is your business.
When I get punched for telling a joke you wrote for me, I think it becomes your business.
Which joke? It wasn't any joke in particular, it was just the general thing.
This is the difference between you and me.
You're just a writer, I'm out there taking risks.
You're right.
You put it like that and I feel sort of humble.
When you're watching The Simpsons, I'm doing something that counts.
Still, it was a great episode and I don't look like I smudged my make-up.
- This is a black eye.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Hiya, Dad.
- Hi.
Let's have a look at the eye.
- Oh, you poor thing.
- It looks painful.
Magda reckoned maybe put vodka on it.
Yeah, I tried that.
You wanna watch it doesn't go septic, cos that happened to my mate, Spikey.
- Pierced his eyelid and it went all manky.
- I remember you telling me that.
Then he got his ear done and the same thing happened.
- No? - Mm-hm.
Now he's got his nose done and he's got blood poisoning.
That's rust for you, isn't it? - Take it easy, will you, Dad, yeah? - Thank you, I will.
- See? Some sympathy, a human response.
- Yeah.
You know the book tokens I got at Christmas? Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Well, I was wondering if I could have cash instead.
Marty, do you wanna buy some book tokens? I'm good, thanks.
Want some coffee? - No.
- Maybe some bamboo shoots? Oh, so now you come up with a line on it, it is a black eye? You don't have any cash - what's happened to your allowance? I spent it.
I had some coursework books to get.
Why didn't you use your book tokens? I didn't think of it.
How much are they for? Er, like £40.
- Fifty, I think.
- Oh, fifty? Yeah, actually, fifty, I think.
Come on, Sam, what do you mean, ''I think''? Go get them.
I don't know where they are exactly, so maybe if I could have the cash instead and when I find them, I'll hand them over.
Tell you what, I'll give you thirty, and then, when you find them, if you find them - I will.
- .
.
then I'll make it up to whatever it was.
(Rick) Could you not do that? Huh? Can you stop doing that? Ben? Yeah, just Ben, can you leave it? Yeah, yeah.
It's sent now.
What, are you nuts - you put £5 in this column? - That's clearly per skip.
- It was an innocent mistake.
I'll just explain.
Obviously what I meant to put was five pence per skip.
Well, two pence.
Yeah, I can see Michael buying that.
Good morrow, sirs.
Michael, before you say anything about the black eye, there was an incident last night, I was assaulted.
I'm fine, it just looks a little ugly.
Good.
About the charity skipathon.
I was wondering Actually, that was the other thing I wanted to say, I know I put £5 per skip on the form Everybody knows about it.
I told the local press.
They're obviously very interested in the celebrity element, ie, you.
It's really helped my cause.
They want photos.
Do they? Good.
So, Michael, roughly how many skips would you be aiming for? I've been training hard, so I hope to do well.
So, what, a hundred? Oh, I don't think so, no.
A thousand.
A thousand skips Yeah, the main thing's preparation.
You gotta be 100% fit, totally supple or you'll seize up after 50 - You don't want that.
- Quite, quite.
So, I'm putting a lot of work in to be in peak condition come Thursday.
I'm actually being trained by an ex-professional boxing coach who's a customer, so it's all - Good luck.
- Thanks very much.
Oh, I'll get you a couple of menus.
One thousand skips times five.
That would be No, it couldn't be It is! Rick, that's 5,000 I worked it out, actually, thank you.
What if he does more? - What? - You saw, he's training.
If he skips like that, he'll get to 1,000 and think ''I know, I'll keep skipping.
'' He's like Forrest Gump.
You know what a nut he his - he'll keep going all night.
- Oh, shut up! - I'm saying, the guy's looking fit.
He said himself, he's in perfect condition.
Michael, what time does this start, the skipathon? We'd love to come and support.
I start at 10am sharp.
- Don't forget your chequebook.
- It's a great thing you're doing.
I'm just putting something back.
All In The Mind.
Excuse me? That's who I'm raising money for.
All In The Mind.
Great.
Yes, they help people with problems.
Yes.
Do a lot of good work.
Not that good.
But that'll be £5,000.
I know how much it is.
Tell him straight, you made a mistake, you didn't mean £5 per skip.
No, he's involved the press.
He's told the Gazette that I'm sponsoring him £5 per skip.
Maybe he won't manage that many, it's quite difficult.
It's Michael we're talking about, you know what he's like - Forrest Gump.
He'll just keep going all night.
(American drawl) Life is like a box of chocolates, I'm just gonna keep skippin' and skippin' and skippin' till I done made Rick bankrupt.
Wellat least it goes to a good cause.
No, it just goes towards buying a bunch of nutters a padded craft room, so they can do their wickerwork without banging their heads.
I think you'll find mental healthcare has moved on a bit since No, it hasn't.
It's still all about origami and forced medication, and if they're really dangerously mad, they set them free so they can run a café.
Sorry, I come at bad time? No, no, Rick was just talking about his charitable work.
You know Michael at the café? Yes, Michael.
- Well, he's doing that skipathon thing.
- Yes.
And Rick has promised him £5 for every skip he does and Michael's hoping to do a thousand.
Then this is 5,000 Yeah, I know how much it is.
Why does he need so much money? It's this mental health thing that Of course, Michael has problems.
I know.
In my country, when you have thisproblems, really bad, really serious.
I should imagine it is.
My grandfather is mad.
- Really? - Yes.
He said people are watching him all the time and following him and taking photographs, so the doctors come and they put him in the hospital and they tie him to the bed.
Oh, that's nice.
Yes.
He is there for long, long time.
Revolution is happen and then they find he is right - secret police had been following and watching and taking photographs.
He is not He wasn't imagining it.
He is not imagining, was real.
So, how long was he in the hospital for? Oh, he is still in.
He'd been locked up so long, had really become mad.
- Oh, poor old granddad.
- Yes.
- Hiya.
-Hi.
Oh, how's the eye? It's worse.
I think I'm getting blurred vision.
Oh, right.
I was gonna say, thanks for the cash earlier - and like, with the book tokens - Oh, you found them? No, no, but me and Ben were talking and we definitely remember them being for £50 not 30, so that's how much you'll get in book tokens, £50.
Let's hope Michael accepts book tokens.
So, do you want to give me twenty now, so that you don't have to do it later, or? - Like when you find the tokens? - Yeah.
Sam, I hate to say this, but you could get a job, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, I know, I know, yeah.
Yeah, well, Mum was saying that Michael was after a new waitress, so I was thinking I might go down and see him.
There's cash by the toaster, you can take twenty.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's great, Dad.
Thanks.
Bye.
Yeah, OK, so, and it is strictly no win, no fee? All right.
OK, so I get the form, I fill that in, send you the photo to show the full extent of the injury? No, I wouldn't say I'm disabled by it but certainly debilitated and, um I'm suffering loss of confidence, dizzy spells, I'm not sleeping as well as I used to.
Um, yeah.
No, it was pretty bad.
I was unrecognisable, a lot of people said.
All right.
Yeah, well, there was blood, because when he punched me he had a ring on his hand.
Course it wasn't a sexual assault, no.
All right, OK, so I'll fill the form in and I'll send it in with the photo.
All right, thank you for your help.
I told the devil and the deep blue sea to hide I thought that you were after them I was right But it's a picture I'll always keep in mind Where you say I've never been even liked For anything truly mine And you did it - looking as you are Looking as you are Looking as you are Looking as you are - Face it, Rick, you blew the pitch.
- Don't talk in American to me.
- Next time, let me do the talking.
- Drink your Coke and shut up.
Watch, this guy's pulling up.
They didn't wanna hear from you.
I'm the celebrity.
Yeah, you start by insulting the guy with the Jaws reference.
- I didn't know he was having dental work.
- You were incoherent, you made no sense.
- These are educated people.
- They're not, they're just English! You're so easily impressed.
They wanna talk business, not have a beat-up clown mumble at them.
I see, whenever it suits you, it is a black eye.
- I want this window open.
- It's stuck, isn't it? You're like a child.
What's the matter with you? - Next time, bring a colouring book.
- I smell gasoline.
If they want the show, it's me they'll want.
I'm the reason we got the meeting.
No, you're the reason we blew the pitch.
It's my idea, I'd put it across better.
That's not how it works in TV-land.
They talk to the organ grinder, not the monkey.
Yeah, that's kinda my point.
Cyclist, cyclist, watch out for the cyclist! No, no, he's all right.
It was his fault.
Bloody cyclists, they shouldn't wear fluorescent vests, they dazzle you.
Especially when you're down to one eye.
Wanna stop and get a sandwich? (Marty ) I just wanna stop.
The door's stuck.
Man, this is a heap of junk.
Can't you afford a real car? No, I can't, I blew the pitch.
Get out of the car.
Lock it, will you? So, Michael, how's training? Oh, I'm really enjoying it.
Yes, never been so fit.
Up at six every morning, having a stretch and a warm-up, then I go out and have a work-out, you know.
Working out a rhythm.
You know, Michael, I read about this guy who's 32 years old, and he was working out, skipping, yeah, skipping I think it was, and, erm, he collapsed, dead, and I thought ''What if that happens to Michael?.
'' Oh, no, no worries in that department.
Still, I feel guilty, maybe we shouldn't have suggested sponsoring you per skip.
It puts you under a lot of pressure and we don't want you to overdo it.
No, no, no danger of that.
I had a check-up the other day, said he'd never seen a stronger heart.
That's a weight off your shoulders, isn't it, Rick? Like a human Duracell, I go on and on and on and on Still, it is quite a risk, you know.
Let's just be sensible, forget all this per skip nonsense.
I'll just write you out a cheque now for £200 and that'll be the end of the matter.
It doesn't matter how many skips you do.
We don't want to be petty.
Well, that's very generous of you, but no.
Three, three hundred pounds.
I think I prefer to stick to the per skip incentive, if you don't mind.
All right, I got a better idea.
£500 and we say no more about it.
Well, that's tempting.
But no.
No, I think I prefer the challenge.
Good for you, Michael.
That's the spirit of the skipathon.
Thank you.
What? Thanks, buddy.
Come on, you didn't think he'd fall for that, did you? I don't blame you trying to get out of it.
I know this one guy actually, lost everything.
Sponsored the cub scouts in a walkathon, a thousand bucks he put on this.
A thousand steps later, guy's broke, lost everything.
He lost his house, job, wife.
You gotta deal with it.
Mind yourself there.
Oh, I will, I'll deal with it.
Michael, can we order, please? Right.
Oh! Don't need training with this job.
Erm, specials of the day, we've got aubergine with Parmesan and rice, lentil soup Rick? Rick? .
.
and chilli.
What are you having? Pasta.
Two pastas, please, Michael.
Two pastas coming up.
You were gonna push the box onto his feet.
Why would I? That would've injured him.
Yeah, you're right, there's no motive there.
- A strange thing to accuse someone of.
- You were distracted, right? Yeah, well Other side.
Of course, what am I thinking? It's like the Dukes Of Hazzard.
- You didn't lock it.
- Mm-hm.
You didn't lock it.
(Sniffs ) I swear I smell gasoline.
You can't smell gasoline.
Anyway, it's called petrol here.
What does Norman Bates want? Look at him, he's turning into a bloody gazelle.
- Is this your phone? - He's got your phone.
No, no, it doesn't work.
Go round.
Go round.
Go round.
Oh, God! - Reverse, for Christ's sake! - I'm trying! That may be forward.
When he dropped it, the battery cover got cracked a little bit.
Not that I care about the phone.
He didn't look too badly hurt, I thought.
Hard to tell with the oxygen mask and the blanket.
They always give them oxygen.
It doesn't mean anything.
Was the drip for fun too? - He had a drip, did he? - Yeah.
I didn't see that.
You know, this really wasn't my fault.
You, the driver - no, not at all.
Cos it could be make to look like I did that to get out of the sponsorship.
- It was an accident.
- Don't worry about it.
This is your vehicle, is it, sir? Yeah, there's been an accident.
Michael's a really good friend of mine andI left my mobile phone in there and he came dashing out with it just as I was pulling off.
I was looking in the rear-view mirror, as you would when joining traffic, and he just ran in front of the car.
There was no way I could have seen him.
You realise your tax disc expired two days ago, sir? Yeah, I was gonna sort that out this afternoon.
You didn't understand me.
Your tax disc expired two days ago.
It's an offence to have this vehicle on the road.
It must be licensed or you're obliged to give Statutory Off Road Notification.
I really don't need this, you know.
Been in an accident.
Yeah, in an unlicensed vehicle.
I've hurt my eye quite badly.
You still can see your car tax disc though, sir, and it is out of date.
What kind of badge is that on your cap? You're not a policeman, are you? I'm a community support officer.
Community support officer What exactly does that mean? It means that I assist the work of police officers - You're not even a traffic warden.
- I'm not a traffic warden.
I am So, what is the point of you? You've got no powers, you can't arrest anyone.
But I can detain a suspect.
- You can't give tickets.
- My duties do include traffic supervision.
They give you a zoo-keeper's outfit - it's a joke.
You got no powers, you're not helping anyone.
You're not helping, with your attitude.
If we can please get back to Come on, what exactly is it you do? I provide back-up for police officers in situations Admit it, you wanted to be a policeman, didn't you? With the blue flashing light and the nee-naw siren? Hm? Nee-naw, nee-naw Sir, I would advise you Tell you what, why don't you just potter off back to the fancy dress shop and ask for a refund, or change it for a wizard's costume, so people take you a bit more seriously? Can we please get back to the matter of your car tax, please, sir? No, I don't want to.
Now what are you gonna do? Yeah, they only kept me for a couple of hours.
You know what it was, I was cracking gags, I was being too funny and the community support officer couldn't handle it.
Had to call in the big boys.
- You're too funny for your own good.
- That's all right now, I think.
First, you get punched, then you wind up in prison.
It wasn't prison, I just had to wait in a cell till they found someone to take my statement.
And how's Michael?.
Oh, he's fine.
Marty called me.
He's already back at the café.
He wasn't hurt? Er, he's walking with a crutch.
- He's on crutches! - Crutch, just one.
Actually, more of a walking stick, really.
Yeah, a couple of weeks, he'll be fine.
- Of course it has ruined the skipathon thing.
- Yeah.
It really wasn't my fault.
I think what must've happened is Marty nudged the gear stick and like that, whole thing.
Well, you'll just have to write out a nice big cheque for his charity.
Well, the thing is, he didn't actually do any skips.
I don't wanna patronise him.
- Just write him a cheque.
- Did offer to do that before he injured himself and he turned it down.
Insisted it had to be per skip, so it's really out of my hands.
Ah! How was prison? It wasn't prison, Magda.
I went down to the police station to make a statement.
They thought I looked upset, which I was, for Michael's sake, so they said I should have a rest first.
- In a cell.
- Cell?.
- It's a room with a bed.
- That can be locked.
Ah, yes, prison.
- (Sam ) Hiya.
- You OK? Yeah.
Listen, you might as well hear if from me in case anyone else tells you, but this afternoon I got Got banged up.
- In a cell.
- Yeah, it's cool.
- You heard? - Yeah.
Did you have to go down to the station and bail him out, Mum? No, no, he managed to get out all by himself.
You've just gotta rise above them, you know? They're filth.
They're not filth, Ben, you really can't say that.
The police were great towards me.
It was the community support officer who had the attitude problem.
They're so sad, aren't they? They think they've got some power but they haven't.
They have some power.
So, any luck with these book tokens? No, no, but, Ben does have an idea.
What's that? It's a library card.
Yeah and you can keep it, Dad, you can get loads of books out.
Then you can take them back and get some more.
Yeah, I I know how a library works.
Mm, cancelled.
- It's a shame.
- Isn't it? - I was quite looking forward to it.
- I know you were.
These things happen.
Hey, Mike.
Whoa! That's a helluva black eye.
Snap.
The doctor said it must've been when I passed out and smashed my head on the bonnet.
Bad luck.
I'm not gonna be up to much skipping.
No, no.
I did ask the doctor.
- Did you? - He said no way.
No, no.
It's like my whiplash, when it happened, the same thing, you know? - Still, some good news.
- What's that? My mobile, when you dropped it, it isn't broken.
I mean, the back is cracked but it's all right.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm still a bit woozy from the painkillers, they're a bit strong.
Still, I would like to take you up on that offer of yours.
What offer's that? The £500, no matter how many skips I do.
Ohyeah.
You did reject that, so Well, the circumstances have changed somewhat.
Not really my fault though.
No, although I can see how some people might think it was your fault as the driver.
The man from the Gazette did seem to think it would be appropriate.
Ah, did he? Right.
Yeah, fine.
Was it500? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's very kind of you.
It's all worked out quite well, really.
Yeah, hasn't it? Yeah, to be honest, I wasn't very good at the skipping bit.
I didn't tell you cos I didn't wanna disappoint you, but I just couldn't get the hang of that.
Butyou were being trained by the boxing coach.
Yes, yeah, I was getting fit, but every time I tried with the rope, I just got hopelessly tangled up.
I think my record was 12.
12 skips? 12 skips.
12 times £5, that would be £60.
Thanks.
How's the eye? Oh, it's quite sore.
Doctor said it was pretty deep.
Aw! God.
Have youtried putting vodka on it? No, is that good? Mm.
I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band, clapping in the pouring rain If I know where I'm going, I don't know from where I came Now you're gonna be In summertime
(Cheering and applause ) (Drunkenly) Yay! Come on! I knew I was gonna win this, cos I'm better than the other wankers that were up for it.
(Laughter) None of that matters now, cos I'm the best! - (Applause ) - Graham McLean.
Excuse me, I ain't finished, all right? D'you know what? You were fourth choice to do this.
(Laughter) Rick Spleen, fourth choice.
(Laughter) Behind that twat who does the penguin ad.
Why don't you p-p-p-piss off, eh? - You're embarrassing yourself.
- Yeah, yeah.
You're crap, you.
(Laughter) Here's a joke - what's the difference between Rick Spleen and a packet of Polos? Old gag, old gag.
People like Polos.
- (Laughter) - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, here's a new one.
What d'you get if you cross a lump of shit with a dwarf? You're losing them, I don't think Rick Spleen.
(Laughter) Get yer hands off, get yer hands off me! Get off, get off! How many Rick Spleens does it take to change a light bulb? - Doesn't matter cos he's a - (Feedback) (Laughter) I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain I still don't understand how it happened.
You know how it is, I was cracking gags at his expense and he couldn't handle it.
Well, you should sue.
They hire you to be funny.
When you are, you get punched.
I don't want to involve lawyers, I'll just rise above it.
Put this on, stop infection.
I don't think it's that bad, Magda.
It is quite bad, actually, but still, I don't think I want to put vodka on it, thank you.
- Septic.
- Sceptic.
Septic.
Many times in my town the men would have fights and this was good for the cuts.
This wasn't a fight, Magda.
I wasn't brawling in a pub car park, this is a work thing.
Ah, they did not find your jokes funny.
No, the opposite actually.
I was being too funny, that was the problem.
Of course.
I will leave there.
I've got this meeting tomorrow, and I'll have to walk in looking like this.
I don't think they'll notice it.
Marty will.
He's coming today.
I'll have jokes from him all day - ''Oh, you look like a panda.
'' Oh, well, have fun.
You couldn't lend me 20 quid, could you? Why? I won't have time for the bank now.
You're worse than Sam.
We're having a whip-round for the cleaner at work, it's her birthday.
What, 20? It's a special birthday? Oh, don't be so tight.
I'm not, it's justthere's six of you there, that's £120.
Yeah, and? What's the problem? What you gonna give her next year, another 20? Cos she'll be expecting it.
What about Christmas? What's she doing with all this money? You are so mean.
No, I just don't approve of showering people with money when they'll hand their notice in any minute.
She's been there for years.
If it's a good cause, I'm the first one to help out, but that! When have you ever done that? Well Michael, at the café, he's doing the sponsored skipping thing.
I put my name down for that.
So did I, everybody did.
How much did you put down then? 5p.
5p, and I'm tight? 5 bloody p! - How much did you put? - Five pounds.
You put yourself down for a fiver? Yes, I did.
It's per skip.
You sponsor him for every skip that he does.
Didn't you wonder why everyone else was putting 2p and 5p next to their names? Well I assumed they were just trying to humour him.
It's quite clear on the form.
So, you've sponsored Michael £5 for every skip that he does.
That's hundreds of pounds.
He'd have to be insane to think I meant that.
Ow! OK, so tomorrow at the meeting, we outline the format for the show and examples of round one, round two.
And then samples of funny questions, funny answers, then a description of the kind of clips we might play.
- When are you gonna do the jokes? - What jokes? About my eye.
What about your eye? Come on, I look like a panda.
Yeah? Oh, I see, you've got a kind of black eye.
- What do you mean? This is a black eye.
- Whatever.
So, you start the basic pitch, then I'll fill them in as we go along.
- D'you wanna know how it happened? - No.
- I can tell you do wanna know.
- I don't.
- This happened at the gig last night.
- None of my business, really.
Actually, I think it is your business.
When I get punched for telling a joke you wrote for me, I think it becomes your business.
Which joke? It wasn't any joke in particular, it was just the general thing.
This is the difference between you and me.
You're just a writer, I'm out there taking risks.
You're right.
You put it like that and I feel sort of humble.
When you're watching The Simpsons, I'm doing something that counts.
Still, it was a great episode and I don't look like I smudged my make-up.
- This is a black eye.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Hiya, Dad.
- Hi.
Let's have a look at the eye.
- Oh, you poor thing.
- It looks painful.
Magda reckoned maybe put vodka on it.
Yeah, I tried that.
You wanna watch it doesn't go septic, cos that happened to my mate, Spikey.
- Pierced his eyelid and it went all manky.
- I remember you telling me that.
Then he got his ear done and the same thing happened.
- No? - Mm-hm.
Now he's got his nose done and he's got blood poisoning.
That's rust for you, isn't it? - Take it easy, will you, Dad, yeah? - Thank you, I will.
- See? Some sympathy, a human response.
- Yeah.
You know the book tokens I got at Christmas? Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Well, I was wondering if I could have cash instead.
Marty, do you wanna buy some book tokens? I'm good, thanks.
Want some coffee? - No.
- Maybe some bamboo shoots? Oh, so now you come up with a line on it, it is a black eye? You don't have any cash - what's happened to your allowance? I spent it.
I had some coursework books to get.
Why didn't you use your book tokens? I didn't think of it.
How much are they for? Er, like £40.
- Fifty, I think.
- Oh, fifty? Yeah, actually, fifty, I think.
Come on, Sam, what do you mean, ''I think''? Go get them.
I don't know where they are exactly, so maybe if I could have the cash instead and when I find them, I'll hand them over.
Tell you what, I'll give you thirty, and then, when you find them, if you find them - I will.
- .
.
then I'll make it up to whatever it was.
(Rick) Could you not do that? Huh? Can you stop doing that? Ben? Yeah, just Ben, can you leave it? Yeah, yeah.
It's sent now.
What, are you nuts - you put £5 in this column? - That's clearly per skip.
- It was an innocent mistake.
I'll just explain.
Obviously what I meant to put was five pence per skip.
Well, two pence.
Yeah, I can see Michael buying that.
Good morrow, sirs.
Michael, before you say anything about the black eye, there was an incident last night, I was assaulted.
I'm fine, it just looks a little ugly.
Good.
About the charity skipathon.
I was wondering Actually, that was the other thing I wanted to say, I know I put £5 per skip on the form Everybody knows about it.
I told the local press.
They're obviously very interested in the celebrity element, ie, you.
It's really helped my cause.
They want photos.
Do they? Good.
So, Michael, roughly how many skips would you be aiming for? I've been training hard, so I hope to do well.
So, what, a hundred? Oh, I don't think so, no.
A thousand.
A thousand skips Yeah, the main thing's preparation.
You gotta be 100% fit, totally supple or you'll seize up after 50 - You don't want that.
- Quite, quite.
So, I'm putting a lot of work in to be in peak condition come Thursday.
I'm actually being trained by an ex-professional boxing coach who's a customer, so it's all - Good luck.
- Thanks very much.
Oh, I'll get you a couple of menus.
One thousand skips times five.
That would be No, it couldn't be It is! Rick, that's 5,000 I worked it out, actually, thank you.
What if he does more? - What? - You saw, he's training.
If he skips like that, he'll get to 1,000 and think ''I know, I'll keep skipping.
'' He's like Forrest Gump.
You know what a nut he his - he'll keep going all night.
- Oh, shut up! - I'm saying, the guy's looking fit.
He said himself, he's in perfect condition.
Michael, what time does this start, the skipathon? We'd love to come and support.
I start at 10am sharp.
- Don't forget your chequebook.
- It's a great thing you're doing.
I'm just putting something back.
All In The Mind.
Excuse me? That's who I'm raising money for.
All In The Mind.
Great.
Yes, they help people with problems.
Yes.
Do a lot of good work.
Not that good.
But that'll be £5,000.
I know how much it is.
Tell him straight, you made a mistake, you didn't mean £5 per skip.
No, he's involved the press.
He's told the Gazette that I'm sponsoring him £5 per skip.
Maybe he won't manage that many, it's quite difficult.
It's Michael we're talking about, you know what he's like - Forrest Gump.
He'll just keep going all night.
(American drawl) Life is like a box of chocolates, I'm just gonna keep skippin' and skippin' and skippin' till I done made Rick bankrupt.
Wellat least it goes to a good cause.
No, it just goes towards buying a bunch of nutters a padded craft room, so they can do their wickerwork without banging their heads.
I think you'll find mental healthcare has moved on a bit since No, it hasn't.
It's still all about origami and forced medication, and if they're really dangerously mad, they set them free so they can run a café.
Sorry, I come at bad time? No, no, Rick was just talking about his charitable work.
You know Michael at the café? Yes, Michael.
- Well, he's doing that skipathon thing.
- Yes.
And Rick has promised him £5 for every skip he does and Michael's hoping to do a thousand.
Then this is 5,000 Yeah, I know how much it is.
Why does he need so much money? It's this mental health thing that Of course, Michael has problems.
I know.
In my country, when you have thisproblems, really bad, really serious.
I should imagine it is.
My grandfather is mad.
- Really? - Yes.
He said people are watching him all the time and following him and taking photographs, so the doctors come and they put him in the hospital and they tie him to the bed.
Oh, that's nice.
Yes.
He is there for long, long time.
Revolution is happen and then they find he is right - secret police had been following and watching and taking photographs.
He is not He wasn't imagining it.
He is not imagining, was real.
So, how long was he in the hospital for? Oh, he is still in.
He'd been locked up so long, had really become mad.
- Oh, poor old granddad.
- Yes.
- Hiya.
-Hi.
Oh, how's the eye? It's worse.
I think I'm getting blurred vision.
Oh, right.
I was gonna say, thanks for the cash earlier - and like, with the book tokens - Oh, you found them? No, no, but me and Ben were talking and we definitely remember them being for £50 not 30, so that's how much you'll get in book tokens, £50.
Let's hope Michael accepts book tokens.
So, do you want to give me twenty now, so that you don't have to do it later, or? - Like when you find the tokens? - Yeah.
Sam, I hate to say this, but you could get a job, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, I know, I know, yeah.
Yeah, well, Mum was saying that Michael was after a new waitress, so I was thinking I might go down and see him.
There's cash by the toaster, you can take twenty.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's great, Dad.
Thanks.
Bye.
Yeah, OK, so, and it is strictly no win, no fee? All right.
OK, so I get the form, I fill that in, send you the photo to show the full extent of the injury? No, I wouldn't say I'm disabled by it but certainly debilitated and, um I'm suffering loss of confidence, dizzy spells, I'm not sleeping as well as I used to.
Um, yeah.
No, it was pretty bad.
I was unrecognisable, a lot of people said.
All right.
Yeah, well, there was blood, because when he punched me he had a ring on his hand.
Course it wasn't a sexual assault, no.
All right, OK, so I'll fill the form in and I'll send it in with the photo.
All right, thank you for your help.
I told the devil and the deep blue sea to hide I thought that you were after them I was right But it's a picture I'll always keep in mind Where you say I've never been even liked For anything truly mine And you did it - looking as you are Looking as you are Looking as you are Looking as you are - Face it, Rick, you blew the pitch.
- Don't talk in American to me.
- Next time, let me do the talking.
- Drink your Coke and shut up.
Watch, this guy's pulling up.
They didn't wanna hear from you.
I'm the celebrity.
Yeah, you start by insulting the guy with the Jaws reference.
- I didn't know he was having dental work.
- You were incoherent, you made no sense.
- These are educated people.
- They're not, they're just English! You're so easily impressed.
They wanna talk business, not have a beat-up clown mumble at them.
I see, whenever it suits you, it is a black eye.
- I want this window open.
- It's stuck, isn't it? You're like a child.
What's the matter with you? - Next time, bring a colouring book.
- I smell gasoline.
If they want the show, it's me they'll want.
I'm the reason we got the meeting.
No, you're the reason we blew the pitch.
It's my idea, I'd put it across better.
That's not how it works in TV-land.
They talk to the organ grinder, not the monkey.
Yeah, that's kinda my point.
Cyclist, cyclist, watch out for the cyclist! No, no, he's all right.
It was his fault.
Bloody cyclists, they shouldn't wear fluorescent vests, they dazzle you.
Especially when you're down to one eye.
Wanna stop and get a sandwich? (Marty ) I just wanna stop.
The door's stuck.
Man, this is a heap of junk.
Can't you afford a real car? No, I can't, I blew the pitch.
Get out of the car.
Lock it, will you? So, Michael, how's training? Oh, I'm really enjoying it.
Yes, never been so fit.
Up at six every morning, having a stretch and a warm-up, then I go out and have a work-out, you know.
Working out a rhythm.
You know, Michael, I read about this guy who's 32 years old, and he was working out, skipping, yeah, skipping I think it was, and, erm, he collapsed, dead, and I thought ''What if that happens to Michael?.
'' Oh, no, no worries in that department.
Still, I feel guilty, maybe we shouldn't have suggested sponsoring you per skip.
It puts you under a lot of pressure and we don't want you to overdo it.
No, no, no danger of that.
I had a check-up the other day, said he'd never seen a stronger heart.
That's a weight off your shoulders, isn't it, Rick? Like a human Duracell, I go on and on and on and on Still, it is quite a risk, you know.
Let's just be sensible, forget all this per skip nonsense.
I'll just write you out a cheque now for £200 and that'll be the end of the matter.
It doesn't matter how many skips you do.
We don't want to be petty.
Well, that's very generous of you, but no.
Three, three hundred pounds.
I think I prefer to stick to the per skip incentive, if you don't mind.
All right, I got a better idea.
£500 and we say no more about it.
Well, that's tempting.
But no.
No, I think I prefer the challenge.
Good for you, Michael.
That's the spirit of the skipathon.
Thank you.
What? Thanks, buddy.
Come on, you didn't think he'd fall for that, did you? I don't blame you trying to get out of it.
I know this one guy actually, lost everything.
Sponsored the cub scouts in a walkathon, a thousand bucks he put on this.
A thousand steps later, guy's broke, lost everything.
He lost his house, job, wife.
You gotta deal with it.
Mind yourself there.
Oh, I will, I'll deal with it.
Michael, can we order, please? Right.
Oh! Don't need training with this job.
Erm, specials of the day, we've got aubergine with Parmesan and rice, lentil soup Rick? Rick? .
.
and chilli.
What are you having? Pasta.
Two pastas, please, Michael.
Two pastas coming up.
You were gonna push the box onto his feet.
Why would I? That would've injured him.
Yeah, you're right, there's no motive there.
- A strange thing to accuse someone of.
- You were distracted, right? Yeah, well Other side.
Of course, what am I thinking? It's like the Dukes Of Hazzard.
- You didn't lock it.
- Mm-hm.
You didn't lock it.
(Sniffs ) I swear I smell gasoline.
You can't smell gasoline.
Anyway, it's called petrol here.
What does Norman Bates want? Look at him, he's turning into a bloody gazelle.
- Is this your phone? - He's got your phone.
No, no, it doesn't work.
Go round.
Go round.
Go round.
Oh, God! - Reverse, for Christ's sake! - I'm trying! That may be forward.
When he dropped it, the battery cover got cracked a little bit.
Not that I care about the phone.
He didn't look too badly hurt, I thought.
Hard to tell with the oxygen mask and the blanket.
They always give them oxygen.
It doesn't mean anything.
Was the drip for fun too? - He had a drip, did he? - Yeah.
I didn't see that.
You know, this really wasn't my fault.
You, the driver - no, not at all.
Cos it could be make to look like I did that to get out of the sponsorship.
- It was an accident.
- Don't worry about it.
This is your vehicle, is it, sir? Yeah, there's been an accident.
Michael's a really good friend of mine andI left my mobile phone in there and he came dashing out with it just as I was pulling off.
I was looking in the rear-view mirror, as you would when joining traffic, and he just ran in front of the car.
There was no way I could have seen him.
You realise your tax disc expired two days ago, sir? Yeah, I was gonna sort that out this afternoon.
You didn't understand me.
Your tax disc expired two days ago.
It's an offence to have this vehicle on the road.
It must be licensed or you're obliged to give Statutory Off Road Notification.
I really don't need this, you know.
Been in an accident.
Yeah, in an unlicensed vehicle.
I've hurt my eye quite badly.
You still can see your car tax disc though, sir, and it is out of date.
What kind of badge is that on your cap? You're not a policeman, are you? I'm a community support officer.
Community support officer What exactly does that mean? It means that I assist the work of police officers - You're not even a traffic warden.
- I'm not a traffic warden.
I am So, what is the point of you? You've got no powers, you can't arrest anyone.
But I can detain a suspect.
- You can't give tickets.
- My duties do include traffic supervision.
They give you a zoo-keeper's outfit - it's a joke.
You got no powers, you're not helping anyone.
You're not helping, with your attitude.
If we can please get back to Come on, what exactly is it you do? I provide back-up for police officers in situations Admit it, you wanted to be a policeman, didn't you? With the blue flashing light and the nee-naw siren? Hm? Nee-naw, nee-naw Sir, I would advise you Tell you what, why don't you just potter off back to the fancy dress shop and ask for a refund, or change it for a wizard's costume, so people take you a bit more seriously? Can we please get back to the matter of your car tax, please, sir? No, I don't want to.
Now what are you gonna do? Yeah, they only kept me for a couple of hours.
You know what it was, I was cracking gags, I was being too funny and the community support officer couldn't handle it.
Had to call in the big boys.
- You're too funny for your own good.
- That's all right now, I think.
First, you get punched, then you wind up in prison.
It wasn't prison, I just had to wait in a cell till they found someone to take my statement.
And how's Michael?.
Oh, he's fine.
Marty called me.
He's already back at the café.
He wasn't hurt? Er, he's walking with a crutch.
- He's on crutches! - Crutch, just one.
Actually, more of a walking stick, really.
Yeah, a couple of weeks, he'll be fine.
- Of course it has ruined the skipathon thing.
- Yeah.
It really wasn't my fault.
I think what must've happened is Marty nudged the gear stick and like that, whole thing.
Well, you'll just have to write out a nice big cheque for his charity.
Well, the thing is, he didn't actually do any skips.
I don't wanna patronise him.
- Just write him a cheque.
- Did offer to do that before he injured himself and he turned it down.
Insisted it had to be per skip, so it's really out of my hands.
Ah! How was prison? It wasn't prison, Magda.
I went down to the police station to make a statement.
They thought I looked upset, which I was, for Michael's sake, so they said I should have a rest first.
- In a cell.
- Cell?.
- It's a room with a bed.
- That can be locked.
Ah, yes, prison.
- (Sam ) Hiya.
- You OK? Yeah.
Listen, you might as well hear if from me in case anyone else tells you, but this afternoon I got Got banged up.
- In a cell.
- Yeah, it's cool.
- You heard? - Yeah.
Did you have to go down to the station and bail him out, Mum? No, no, he managed to get out all by himself.
You've just gotta rise above them, you know? They're filth.
They're not filth, Ben, you really can't say that.
The police were great towards me.
It was the community support officer who had the attitude problem.
They're so sad, aren't they? They think they've got some power but they haven't.
They have some power.
So, any luck with these book tokens? No, no, but, Ben does have an idea.
What's that? It's a library card.
Yeah and you can keep it, Dad, you can get loads of books out.
Then you can take them back and get some more.
Yeah, I I know how a library works.
Mm, cancelled.
- It's a shame.
- Isn't it? - I was quite looking forward to it.
- I know you were.
These things happen.
Hey, Mike.
Whoa! That's a helluva black eye.
Snap.
The doctor said it must've been when I passed out and smashed my head on the bonnet.
Bad luck.
I'm not gonna be up to much skipping.
No, no.
I did ask the doctor.
- Did you? - He said no way.
No, no.
It's like my whiplash, when it happened, the same thing, you know? - Still, some good news.
- What's that? My mobile, when you dropped it, it isn't broken.
I mean, the back is cracked but it's all right.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm still a bit woozy from the painkillers, they're a bit strong.
Still, I would like to take you up on that offer of yours.
What offer's that? The £500, no matter how many skips I do.
Ohyeah.
You did reject that, so Well, the circumstances have changed somewhat.
Not really my fault though.
No, although I can see how some people might think it was your fault as the driver.
The man from the Gazette did seem to think it would be appropriate.
Ah, did he? Right.
Yeah, fine.
Was it500? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's very kind of you.
It's all worked out quite well, really.
Yeah, hasn't it? Yeah, to be honest, I wasn't very good at the skipping bit.
I didn't tell you cos I didn't wanna disappoint you, but I just couldn't get the hang of that.
Butyou were being trained by the boxing coach.
Yes, yeah, I was getting fit, but every time I tried with the rope, I just got hopelessly tangled up.
I think my record was 12.
12 skips? 12 skips.
12 times £5, that would be £60.
Thanks.
How's the eye? Oh, it's quite sore.
Doctor said it was pretty deep.
Aw! God.
Have youtried putting vodka on it? No, is that good? Mm.
I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band, clapping in the pouring rain If I know where I'm going, I don't know from where I came Now you're gonna be In summertime