Lead Balloon (2006) s01e04 Episode Script
Allergic
Yes, very funny.
Thanking you.
- Here we are, then.
- Rick Spleen.
Bob Fairchild.
It's funny sharing a room with you.
I used to watch your TV show every Friday after school.
Double Trouble.
You and 20 million others, eh, son? I still get it all the time walking down the street, people shouting out - ''Thanking you! Thanking you!'' - ''Thanking you!'' (Chuckles ) - Ah, you still see Stan? - Stan Reed? - Yeah.
- Not spoken to him since 1979.
- Really? You just split up and that was it? - Oh, yes.
Not my idea.
Why ruin something if it's still working? But Stan had other ideas.
So it was ''Bye-bye, highly successful double act, bye-bye, long-running TV series, ''thanking you, Stan.
'' Uh-huh.
Still, we mustn't get bitter, just cos things haven't worked out for the likes of us.
- Well, I'm doing OK actually - Yeah, we're getting by, but let's face it, this is hardly what we dreamed of, is it? - Well, this isn't all I do - Not exactly the Palladium, is it? - I do quite a lot of other - Didn't they cancel your TV show? - No, they - After three episodes.
Four.
No, I think everyone involved decided it was time to move on.
Oh, yeah, that one! ''Time to move on.
'' It's a cracker, that.
Time to move on to doing gigs like this for pissed-up businessmen.
- Do you want a coffee? - Yeah.
Very nice.
Decaffeinated.
- I like caffeine but it doesn't like me.
- Really? I get hot and shaky.
I'm allergic.
You know? Oh, dear.
I mean, let's face it, that last TV series you did was a load of crap, wasn't it? It stunk the place out, didn't it? So what is it you're doing now? Oh, you know, I've got other TV projects.
- Panel games? - Yeah.
Going well.
Yeah, I've seen them.
They line 'em up and guess which one was the drummer out of Freddie and the Dreamers.
Hilarious! Actually I think some of them are quite funny.
Yeah, split me ribs.
Alternative! I'm not really alternative.
I tell jokes Alternative cos every other joke's funny.
Don't you worry.
You warm 'em up for me.
Uncle Bob'll look after 'em for you.
Now, who's gonna get some biscuits, eh? I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain - (Mel) What's this? - It's the storage boxes I ordered.
- What are they for? - You know, storing stuff.
- What stuff? - General stuff.
Stuff you don't need but don't wanna throw away.
It'll create space.
Well, don't get them all out here.
I'm looking for the shoe-organiser.
It comes with a free shoe-organiser.
It won't be in that one.
It should have come with them.
It was free.
I hate that.
It just hasn't turned up.
- Maybe it's a separate delivery.
- No, their attitude is if you're watching the Bargain Channel, you're obviously some kind of idiot, so why send the stuff anyway? - Mm.
- It's so annoying.
Why can't they just stick to their side of the deal and send you what you ask for? What is a shoe-organiser? You see, I know by the way you said that you are slightly taking the piss.
No, I'm asking so I'll know when it arrives.
All right.
Well, it's a kind of plastic thing with pockets that you put in a wardr I know you're laughing.
Just don't come anywhere near it with your shoes.
- I think it's a great idea.
- I know you're laughing.
Well, it does sound like one of those things you do to distract yourself from working.
It's one of those things you do to organise your shoes.
What have you got on? I bet there's a show you're meant to be writing.
Well, I'm doing Bullet In The News, it's that Channel 5 thing.
You said that was rubbish.
''Like a poor man's version'' No, it's much better these days.
Much better.
Oh, well, good.
Just don't waste your entire day on the phone trying to track down your shoe-organiser.
- I'll just get Magda to do it.
- What I will do? Oh, I was wondering if you'd phone the Bargain Channel for me? - Bargain Channel on television? - Yeah.
This is some sort of joke, I think.
You are being clown.
Comedian.
No, it's not a joke.
I have seen this channel, so I know it's for stupid people.
- If I call it I am stupid too.
- I wouldn't say that.
- This is funny for you.
- Why would I do a thing like that? - To be clown.
- Comedian.
Well, good luck with your work.
(Mel) Bye, Magda.
Thing is, Magda, I didn't want to say in front of Mel cos she's embarrassed.
She's ordered this shoe thing and it hasn't turned up.
So could you ring for me? Of course.
She's probably ordered it in my name.
(Marty ) Bullet In The News.
- How come you're doing this? - It's good exposure.
Oh, I thought you said it was Channel 5.
So, what do we got? That Scottish guy's still hosting that, isn't he? - Incredibly, yeah.
- You like him? The only person from Scotland to have no sense of humour and they give him a comedy show.
- I thought he was your favourite.
- He stinks of hairspray.
Here, see this, I got you this story.
- What's this? - This cat's inherited a house from its owner.
- I didn't see that.
- What he doesn't know is - Look at his face.
- .
.
the parrot is contesting the will.
- What's he do if he wants to redecorate? - Number one, cat flap in every door.
Something nice to wipe my arse on, like the breadboard.
You ever see cats doing that, going, ''Oh'' What if the cat wants to sell?.
He's gotta show people around.
''This is where I keep my fur balls, this is my bedroom, en suite litter tray.
'' ''Is it a mews house?'' Get out of here with your puns.
- The show is built on puns.
- You can't do puns.
- The title is a pun! - Are you gonna sink to their level?.
- Shh.
- They're all jerks so you're gonna be one too? Shut up, shut up.
.
.
Bob Fairchild, who died last night.
Who's he? Bob Fairchild, I was working with him last night, he was fine.
- He was showing no signs of being dead? - I can't believe that.
- Look it up, would you? - Maybe it was a ghost.
Seriously, that's so weird.
We were just chatting away, he was fine.
Here it is, ''Children's favourite, Bob Fairchild, one half of '70s BBC show Double Trouble, ''collapsed and died suddenly at his home in 'Esh-er''' - Esher.
- '''Ee-sher', yesterday'' Why did you say Esh-er? ''.
.
just hours after appearing on stage at the Blandfield Hotel in Swindon.
'' I can't believe that.
I'm genuinely shocked.
I'm God, I'm actually quite upset.
That's Ohhh.
Does it mention me at all?.
The? No.
No, I don't think so.
''A quote from his one-time double-act partner Stan Reed, ''speaking from his home in the Bahamas, '''I am devastated, he was a dear friend.
We remained very close throughout the years.
''' That's bollocks.
They hated each other's guts.
They haven't spoken since '79.
- Is that right? - Bob told me.
- I was a closer friend than he was.
- Yeah, right.
You and Bob, you were like that.
They're just trying to airbrush you out.
I'm just saying, I was the last person to work with him, you know? We chatted.
It wasa lot.
I made him coffee.
They missed a scoop, save it for your next talk show.
''So, Rick, how did Bob like to take his coffee?'' - Yeah, yeah! - Did he take it with milk? Yeah, he took milk and sugar and, you know - What a wonderful story! - .
.
and decaffeinated.
Join us after the break when we talk about Bob's biscuits.
- My mate Bob was allergic to coffee.
- It's details like that that make an anecdote.
Does it say how he died? You don't know if you gave him decaf or real coffee? I can't be sure, you know, I wasn't concentrating, he might've got the wrong coffee.
I don't take these things seriously.
You know how I feel about allergies.
It's just people's gimmick, it's their way of attracting attention to themselves.
''Oh, look at me, I'm allergic, I'm special, I'm different.
'' It's nothing, it's like being left-handed.
Dozens of people die every year from their peanut gimmick.
I'm not saying I did it deliberately, I just don't know.
OK, so you gave him real straight coffee, he's only allergic, it won't matter.
Don't piss about, Marty, this is serious.
I might have killed one of Britain's best-loved entertainers.
D'you think you can be that allergic to coffee? I'll tell you what I do think.
If it was that coffee, at least he went out on a high.
Yeah, thanks.
Hey, Magda.
One hour I'm on telephone to these people.
- Who you calling? - Bargain Channel.
(Doorbell) Who knows - maybe shoe-organiser now.
Shoe-organiser? Mel ordered a shoe-organiser from the Bargain Channel.
She has to organise her shoes.
- Women for you.
- Ha! Women.
Hey, Rick, what if it's the cops? - What? - The cops.
Tests come back from the lab, turns out he's shot full of caffeine.
He knew he was allergic.
What kind of maniac would give him real coffee? Who was the last person to see him alive? No, I'm just saying, they might be making enquiries.
They might try and trick you.
Ask you to make them coffee and see if you pay attention.
Shut up, it's not gonna be the cops.
- All right.
- Ben! - (Whispering) Christ.
- How's college? Yeah, yeah.
A levels going well?.
Pretty dull.
- How's the Saturday job? - Oh, didn't work out, you know.
It was just shelf-stacking really but they wanted me to be in before the shop's open and that.
- Bastards.
- Not my style.
You know? And they weren't gonna give on the hours.
Some people, they offer you a job, next thing you know, they expect you to turn up.
- Yeah, so I just told them to stick it.
- Well done.
Something else will come along.
Yeah.
Well, it already has.
I've got on this course.
I'm pretty lucky because they give you full training right from scratch.
- Oh, well, good for you.
- Yeah.
- (Sam ) Hiya.
- Hi.
- Oh, how did it go? Did you get that place? - Yeah, I start tomorrow.
Oh, wow, great.
Brilliant.
Dad, Ben got a place on this course.
- Just heard.
- Yeah, yeah.
Circus skills.
- Circus skills? - Yeah.
Yeah, always Always had a thing for the circus.
When I was child we had circus come to town, I really excited.
I laughed so much till I have pain in here but now I think that bear did not want to roller-skate.
(Sam ) Oh, no, there's no animals, definitely not.
- That would be so wrong.
- Oh, I don't know.
There's quite a lot to be said for watching a lion being prodded with a chair.
It's just juggling and stuff.
Sounds great.
And who knows, within five years, you could be busking for a living.
Hopefully, yeah.
That was a joke about the lion.
Yeah.
Cruel.
So did you get much done today? Are you ready for Bullet In The News? Yeah, yeah.
I found quite a good story in the newspaper, about this cat who's inherited a house.
Parrot's contesting the will, and the cat's gonna do some alterations.
Put in an en suite litter tray.
Still, it's better than the stuff Marty was coming up with.
It was all puns, you know? ''Is it a mews house?'' (Laughs ) I like that.
Yeah, I think it was Marty.
Could have been me.
I think it was me.
Ah, it doesn't matter.
(Sighs ) No, to be honest, I was a bit, um a bit distracted.
Yeah? Just, era bit worried about this Bob Fairchild thing.
Oh, don't you start.
I've had it all day.
- Yeah? - You know I look after his daughter, Fiona? Presented Science Now on children's TV? - In fact you've met her.
- Did I? - Yeah, at the Science Museum party.
- Yeah, of course.
How's she taking it? Really badly.
She was hysterical on the phone and then she came into the office, - crying her eyes out - Why? Well, not why.
I mean, howdid he die? He just dropped down dead.
(Sighs ) That's bad luck.
She's in shock, can't believe it's happened.
Yeah These things happen.
Sometimes people die.
No reason.
She should know that, as a scientist.
Well, she's not really a scientist, she's the presenter.
Still, you'd think some of it would rub off.
Anyway, what was bothering you about Bob Fairchild? No, I was just wondering if you knew, you know, how old he was.
Sixty.
Sixty, was he? Ah.
Wow.
That'll be it, then, won't it? God, 60.
(Gasps ) (Whistles ) That's going it some, isn't it? Cor.
I've read all the papers, listened to the news, there's nothing about cause of death, just more tributes.
Rick, the way I see it is this - best thing is, hand yourself in.
Get yourself a lawyer, make a statement.
''It was me.
'' Save the family the time and effort of not knowing who killed him.
- Shut up.
- You're no murderer, Rick, you just did a crazy, crazy thing and now a man is dead.
- You're enjoying this, aren't you? - I'm trying to give you hope.
Good lawyer, sympathetic judge, maybe one with an axe to grind, was abused by a children's entertainer when he was a kid.
- You're looking at two, four years, max.
- If I'd get away from you it'd be worth it.
Look at this headline - ''Thanking you!'' Imagine being remembered for that.
Do you wanna worry about him all day or do you wanna write some gags? Oh, God, who cares about that? Stupid bloody Channel 5 show, I wish I'd never said I'd do it.
Who the hell watches television on a Saturday night? People with no friends and no life.
Welcome, gentlemen.
I trust I find you well this glorious day.
Can I interest you in our special of the day, which is lentil and mushroom risotto? Erm, I tell you what.
I'll just get you a couple of coffees, then you can make up your mind.
Great.
What the hell's gotten into him? - Weird.
He's never usually like that.
- It's like he's finally lost his virginity.
Didn't get his medication right.
I, er, couldn't help noticing that you're appearing in A Bullet In The News this week.
Yeah, I'm recording it tomorrow.
Right, yeah.
I never miss it.
- Really? I wouldn't have had you down as a - Every Saturday night.
- Yeah.
- That host is a very witty guy.
Cor! It's all written for him, it's on autocue.
- He's so quick! - He's just reading it.
- How he comes up with some of that stuff.
- He doesn't.
- The panellists, they come up with their jokes.
- Panellists are very witty, yeah.
I had a joke you might wanna use.
Please.
Yeah? I read about a cat that's inherited a house from its owner.
Which struck me as rather absurd, so you could mention that.
Thank you.
- Rick, that's pretty good, isn't it? - Mm.
(Michael) You know, feel free to use it.
I tell you what, one other thing, while we're at it.
That title, A Bullet In The News.
Never liked that.
You know, it's just not very good, so you could mention that to the powers that be.
Yeah? I-I will.
(Sighs ) - That's great.
- What? - Can't do the cat stuff.
- You can.
Michael'll say he wrote it.
Just because he read a story that's been in all the papers.
Prick.
You can do the stuff about the cat showing people No, I can't even mention the cat material.
Every time I come in here he'll be waltzing around telling everyone he gives me ideas.
It's a professional thing! I take a lot of pride in not dong other people's material.
Of course you do.
One other thought I had about the show - Actually, I've got it covered.
- The Russian guy? - Yeah, I saw that.
- Stole that snowplough.
I read all about that and I wrote a really good joke for it, thanks.
Right, OK.
I didn't hear about this Russian guy.
Neither did I.
Who gives a shit? Yes.
Yes.
Shoe-organiser.
No.
No boxes came.
- Er, Magda - No (Whispers ) Bargain Channel.
No.
No.
Not ''no boxes came.
'' Boxes came but there was no shoe-organiser.
Now he's very upset.
Yes.
(Laughs ) Yes.
- Postcode is N - Shall I? Let me.
Sorry about that.
Hi.
Yeah, what it is, is I ordered this set of storage boxes.
No, I'm sorry, I haven't got the product number.
Well, you must know.
How many different types of storage box do you sell?.
Really? That's quite a lot.
You did send them, they're in my kitchen.
Can I give you my address and not do that thing where I give you the postcode and you work out the address.
It's like a party trick, I'm just not in the mood for it.
I'm not being aggressive.
OK, I apologise if that sounded aggressive.
Yeah, I know you sent the boxes.
No, it's the free shoe-organiser that I'm after.
(Sighs ) Oh, music now.
I've got music.
- Did you have the music? - Yes.
Arctic Monkey.
Of course I looked in the boxes, that's the first thing I did.
I'm not raising my voice.
Hello? No, it didn't come with the boxes, that's the whole point.
Yeah, I'll hold.
In what way is that threatening language? I'm just asking you to send the free shoe-organiser that I ordered with Hello? They're so rude, aren't they? As soon as he's losing the argument he hangs up.
Could you try again tomorrow? (Mel) Sad.
Nice tributes about Bob Fairchild.
They go on a bit, if you ask me.
He won't be that missed.
Anyone would think bloody Father Christmas had died.
Lovely one from Stan Reed.
Stan Reed? Bob hated his guts, they hadn't spoken since 1979.
- Really? Is that what he said? - It's practically the first thing he said to me.
And the last, as it turned out.
How's You know, the daughter? - Fiona? Worse.
- Really? She's convinced there's something suspicious about it, wants to push for an inquest.
Oh, God, there's no need for that.
Everyone knows he was old.
Can't they spare the family the heartache? - She is the family.
- Well, she should spare herself the heartache.
She wants to get the police in.
I feel so sorry for her, poor thing.
Are you OK? Me? God, no, I'm fine.
- What's the matter? - You know, usual worries.
Probably a bit nervous about doing Bullet In The News.
No, you're not.
Come on.
I'm a bit worried This is gonna sound silly.
JustI think I might have inadvertently - killed Bob Fairchild.
- Killed him? I'm sure I'm worrying about nothing.
Well, he definitely is dead.
Seriously, Bob was really allergic to caffeine, and I made him a coffee backstage.
And I don't know but I might haveby accident I might have just given him real coffee.
That wouldn't kill him.
I've looked on the internet, you can die from as little as 3.
2 grams of caffeine.
- How cups is that? - 80.
- How many did you give him? - One, but the point is, he was really allergic, it would take less.
Don't be ridiculous, I'm sure it's got nothing to do with it.
If it was peanuts, yes, but I've never heard of anyone dying of a coffee allergy.
- Really? - Yes.
I mean, it's probably best not to mention it to anyone else, for the time being, at least.
Ah.
My shoe-organiser.
Mel's.
She ordered it.
Yeah, it was more a joint decision to get one.
Still, at least it's arrived.
No.
I decide not to phone.
Instead I go out and I find this in Oxfam shop, one pound, so I buy.
Much cheaper than phone calls.
- But the one I ordered should have arrived.
- Yes, but I buy you this one.
Well, that's very kind, Magda, but I was promised a free shoe-organiser.
These people can't go around promising free shoe-organisers and then just not deliver.
The whole service industry's gone to pot.
I don't know what it's like in your country.
We don't have shoe-organiser in my country.
It's not what I meant.
It's a matter of principle.
- (Doorbell) - Ah.
Might be shoe-organiser.
Have you got the receipt for this one? I don't think Oxfam do receipts.
(Magda ) Sam! Ben's here! - Hi, Ben.
- Hi, Rick.
Shoe-organiser.
I ordered one but it didn't arrive so Magda got one from Oxfam - It's not really what I wanted but anyway.
- Yeah.
My mum's got a shoe-organiser.
Yeah.
So the circus thing, how's that going? Circus skills.
Yeah, er No, not good.
Not good.
I gave it my best shot but Oh, sorry to hear that.
- (Sam ) Hiya.
- Hi.
Hi, Dad.
Ben's just telling me the circus thing didn't work out.
Yeah, yeah.
Bloke running it, bit of an attitude problem with Ben.
With Ben? Why? (Ben ) It was fine before lunch.
Then after lunch he kept going on about, you know, how to do things the right way.
Teachers make you sick, don't they? I was like, ''What?'' Yeah.
''What?'' You know, I just wanna improvise and free-flow, textbook stuff's just not my style.
Nah.
Not at all.
Yeah, they kept going on and on and on about, like, safety stuff.
Fire-eating in tents and that.
- Petty.
- Yeah.
So anyway, I just walked.
- Good decision.
- Cheers.
- So are you guys off to college now? - (Sam ) Er, yeah, yeah.
Cos I'm gonna go and meet Marty at the café.
If you wanna come with me, it's on the way.
Er Yeah, all right.
- OK? - Thanks.
Well, I'll be ready in a couple of minutes.
It's a nice day for a walk, so Oh, right.
You're not taking the car, then? No? No, I usually just walk to the café.
Oh, right.
Well, we're not really ready to go right now, so if it's OK we'll go a bit later.
Yeah, I need to grab some books and That's fine.
It was just Just a thought.
Doesn't matter.
I walked across An empty land I knew the pathway like the back of my hand I felt the earth Beneath my feet Sat by the river and it made me complete Oh, simple thing Where have you gone? I'm getting old His daughter Fiona's gone completely nuts, pushing for an inquest.
Rick, if I die, save the coroner's time.
- It was boredom.
- Yeah, yeah.
Come on, we gotta get these gags for the show.
- That shoe-organiser still hasn't arrived.
- You don't say? - Magda went and bought a second-hand one.
- Second-hand shoe-organiser? That's all you need, the smell of dead men's shoes in your closet.
So, tonight's the night.
Do you get nervous before these recording? Well, I've done quite a lot of these, so Of course, yeah.
Erm, do you think you might be using my cat story? - Your cat story? - Yes, the one I spotted.
Well, it's very much spur of the moment.
I generally improvise.
- I mentioned it to a few people.
- I wouldn't get their hopes up.
I think Father was quietly impressed with my new career as a TV writer.
Proud moment for any dad, finding out his son writes for Rick Spleen.
Quite.
Although to be frank, he hadn't heard of you.
Still, I'll leave you to your musings.
Thank you.
He's unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Come on, let's get on with it.
Right.
What did you say it needed? It just feels too written.
OK, so you want it to sound more improvised? Yes.
(Laughter and applause ) Wait a minute.
You're saying a cat has inherited a house? I didn't see that story.
What Has the parrot not contested the will?.
So is the cat gonna redecorate? ''Number one, I want a cat flap in every door.
''Number two, I want something nice to wipe my arse on, like a breadboard.
'' What's gonna happen when he wants to move? Is he gonna show people round? ''This is where I keep my fur balls, this is my bedroom, en suite litter tray.
'' - (Laughter) - I didn't read the story.
What paper was it in? - You were great! - I know, they couldn't get enough of it.
- The cat stuff, man, it just killed! - I know, I know.
I just wish I didn't have this vision in my mind of Michael sitting with his dad, going, - ''I found that story for Rick.
'' - Forget it.
- I just don't like other people taking the credit.
- You gotta let it go, Rick.
- Look what I borrowed from Hospitality.
- Oh, nice one.
And this You might wanna read this.
Hang on to it, we'll use it next time.
- Just read this.
- We've been reading the papers all day.
You haven't seen this, it's the evening paper.
It's hot off the press.
- (Laughter) - It's us! Rick's in party mode, he's had some great news! - Bob Fairchild died of a stroke! - He-he-hey! Rick, Marty this is Fiona.
(Sobs ) I've seen your TV show.
It's very good.
Informative.
Sorry about your dad.
(Sobbing) The shoe-organiser arrived.
I ordered a shoe-organiser, it was meant to come free with some stuff and it didn't come.
And now it's here.
You got one of these? No.
Yeah.
Cos Magda went off to Oxfam and got me a second-hand one but I didn't want that, it just smelt of dead men's shoes I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain
Thanking you.
- Here we are, then.
- Rick Spleen.
Bob Fairchild.
It's funny sharing a room with you.
I used to watch your TV show every Friday after school.
Double Trouble.
You and 20 million others, eh, son? I still get it all the time walking down the street, people shouting out - ''Thanking you! Thanking you!'' - ''Thanking you!'' (Chuckles ) - Ah, you still see Stan? - Stan Reed? - Yeah.
- Not spoken to him since 1979.
- Really? You just split up and that was it? - Oh, yes.
Not my idea.
Why ruin something if it's still working? But Stan had other ideas.
So it was ''Bye-bye, highly successful double act, bye-bye, long-running TV series, ''thanking you, Stan.
'' Uh-huh.
Still, we mustn't get bitter, just cos things haven't worked out for the likes of us.
- Well, I'm doing OK actually - Yeah, we're getting by, but let's face it, this is hardly what we dreamed of, is it? - Well, this isn't all I do - Not exactly the Palladium, is it? - I do quite a lot of other - Didn't they cancel your TV show? - No, they - After three episodes.
Four.
No, I think everyone involved decided it was time to move on.
Oh, yeah, that one! ''Time to move on.
'' It's a cracker, that.
Time to move on to doing gigs like this for pissed-up businessmen.
- Do you want a coffee? - Yeah.
Very nice.
Decaffeinated.
- I like caffeine but it doesn't like me.
- Really? I get hot and shaky.
I'm allergic.
You know? Oh, dear.
I mean, let's face it, that last TV series you did was a load of crap, wasn't it? It stunk the place out, didn't it? So what is it you're doing now? Oh, you know, I've got other TV projects.
- Panel games? - Yeah.
Going well.
Yeah, I've seen them.
They line 'em up and guess which one was the drummer out of Freddie and the Dreamers.
Hilarious! Actually I think some of them are quite funny.
Yeah, split me ribs.
Alternative! I'm not really alternative.
I tell jokes Alternative cos every other joke's funny.
Don't you worry.
You warm 'em up for me.
Uncle Bob'll look after 'em for you.
Now, who's gonna get some biscuits, eh? I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain - (Mel) What's this? - It's the storage boxes I ordered.
- What are they for? - You know, storing stuff.
- What stuff? - General stuff.
Stuff you don't need but don't wanna throw away.
It'll create space.
Well, don't get them all out here.
I'm looking for the shoe-organiser.
It comes with a free shoe-organiser.
It won't be in that one.
It should have come with them.
It was free.
I hate that.
It just hasn't turned up.
- Maybe it's a separate delivery.
- No, their attitude is if you're watching the Bargain Channel, you're obviously some kind of idiot, so why send the stuff anyway? - Mm.
- It's so annoying.
Why can't they just stick to their side of the deal and send you what you ask for? What is a shoe-organiser? You see, I know by the way you said that you are slightly taking the piss.
No, I'm asking so I'll know when it arrives.
All right.
Well, it's a kind of plastic thing with pockets that you put in a wardr I know you're laughing.
Just don't come anywhere near it with your shoes.
- I think it's a great idea.
- I know you're laughing.
Well, it does sound like one of those things you do to distract yourself from working.
It's one of those things you do to organise your shoes.
What have you got on? I bet there's a show you're meant to be writing.
Well, I'm doing Bullet In The News, it's that Channel 5 thing.
You said that was rubbish.
''Like a poor man's version'' No, it's much better these days.
Much better.
Oh, well, good.
Just don't waste your entire day on the phone trying to track down your shoe-organiser.
- I'll just get Magda to do it.
- What I will do? Oh, I was wondering if you'd phone the Bargain Channel for me? - Bargain Channel on television? - Yeah.
This is some sort of joke, I think.
You are being clown.
Comedian.
No, it's not a joke.
I have seen this channel, so I know it's for stupid people.
- If I call it I am stupid too.
- I wouldn't say that.
- This is funny for you.
- Why would I do a thing like that? - To be clown.
- Comedian.
Well, good luck with your work.
(Mel) Bye, Magda.
Thing is, Magda, I didn't want to say in front of Mel cos she's embarrassed.
She's ordered this shoe thing and it hasn't turned up.
So could you ring for me? Of course.
She's probably ordered it in my name.
(Marty ) Bullet In The News.
- How come you're doing this? - It's good exposure.
Oh, I thought you said it was Channel 5.
So, what do we got? That Scottish guy's still hosting that, isn't he? - Incredibly, yeah.
- You like him? The only person from Scotland to have no sense of humour and they give him a comedy show.
- I thought he was your favourite.
- He stinks of hairspray.
Here, see this, I got you this story.
- What's this? - This cat's inherited a house from its owner.
- I didn't see that.
- What he doesn't know is - Look at his face.
- .
.
the parrot is contesting the will.
- What's he do if he wants to redecorate? - Number one, cat flap in every door.
Something nice to wipe my arse on, like the breadboard.
You ever see cats doing that, going, ''Oh'' What if the cat wants to sell?.
He's gotta show people around.
''This is where I keep my fur balls, this is my bedroom, en suite litter tray.
'' ''Is it a mews house?'' Get out of here with your puns.
- The show is built on puns.
- You can't do puns.
- The title is a pun! - Are you gonna sink to their level?.
- Shh.
- They're all jerks so you're gonna be one too? Shut up, shut up.
.
.
Bob Fairchild, who died last night.
Who's he? Bob Fairchild, I was working with him last night, he was fine.
- He was showing no signs of being dead? - I can't believe that.
- Look it up, would you? - Maybe it was a ghost.
Seriously, that's so weird.
We were just chatting away, he was fine.
Here it is, ''Children's favourite, Bob Fairchild, one half of '70s BBC show Double Trouble, ''collapsed and died suddenly at his home in 'Esh-er''' - Esher.
- '''Ee-sher', yesterday'' Why did you say Esh-er? ''.
.
just hours after appearing on stage at the Blandfield Hotel in Swindon.
'' I can't believe that.
I'm genuinely shocked.
I'm God, I'm actually quite upset.
That's Ohhh.
Does it mention me at all?.
The? No.
No, I don't think so.
''A quote from his one-time double-act partner Stan Reed, ''speaking from his home in the Bahamas, '''I am devastated, he was a dear friend.
We remained very close throughout the years.
''' That's bollocks.
They hated each other's guts.
They haven't spoken since '79.
- Is that right? - Bob told me.
- I was a closer friend than he was.
- Yeah, right.
You and Bob, you were like that.
They're just trying to airbrush you out.
I'm just saying, I was the last person to work with him, you know? We chatted.
It wasa lot.
I made him coffee.
They missed a scoop, save it for your next talk show.
''So, Rick, how did Bob like to take his coffee?'' - Yeah, yeah! - Did he take it with milk? Yeah, he took milk and sugar and, you know - What a wonderful story! - .
.
and decaffeinated.
Join us after the break when we talk about Bob's biscuits.
- My mate Bob was allergic to coffee.
- It's details like that that make an anecdote.
Does it say how he died? You don't know if you gave him decaf or real coffee? I can't be sure, you know, I wasn't concentrating, he might've got the wrong coffee.
I don't take these things seriously.
You know how I feel about allergies.
It's just people's gimmick, it's their way of attracting attention to themselves.
''Oh, look at me, I'm allergic, I'm special, I'm different.
'' It's nothing, it's like being left-handed.
Dozens of people die every year from their peanut gimmick.
I'm not saying I did it deliberately, I just don't know.
OK, so you gave him real straight coffee, he's only allergic, it won't matter.
Don't piss about, Marty, this is serious.
I might have killed one of Britain's best-loved entertainers.
D'you think you can be that allergic to coffee? I'll tell you what I do think.
If it was that coffee, at least he went out on a high.
Yeah, thanks.
Hey, Magda.
One hour I'm on telephone to these people.
- Who you calling? - Bargain Channel.
(Doorbell) Who knows - maybe shoe-organiser now.
Shoe-organiser? Mel ordered a shoe-organiser from the Bargain Channel.
She has to organise her shoes.
- Women for you.
- Ha! Women.
Hey, Rick, what if it's the cops? - What? - The cops.
Tests come back from the lab, turns out he's shot full of caffeine.
He knew he was allergic.
What kind of maniac would give him real coffee? Who was the last person to see him alive? No, I'm just saying, they might be making enquiries.
They might try and trick you.
Ask you to make them coffee and see if you pay attention.
Shut up, it's not gonna be the cops.
- All right.
- Ben! - (Whispering) Christ.
- How's college? Yeah, yeah.
A levels going well?.
Pretty dull.
- How's the Saturday job? - Oh, didn't work out, you know.
It was just shelf-stacking really but they wanted me to be in before the shop's open and that.
- Bastards.
- Not my style.
You know? And they weren't gonna give on the hours.
Some people, they offer you a job, next thing you know, they expect you to turn up.
- Yeah, so I just told them to stick it.
- Well done.
Something else will come along.
Yeah.
Well, it already has.
I've got on this course.
I'm pretty lucky because they give you full training right from scratch.
- Oh, well, good for you.
- Yeah.
- (Sam ) Hiya.
- Hi.
- Oh, how did it go? Did you get that place? - Yeah, I start tomorrow.
Oh, wow, great.
Brilliant.
Dad, Ben got a place on this course.
- Just heard.
- Yeah, yeah.
Circus skills.
- Circus skills? - Yeah.
Yeah, always Always had a thing for the circus.
When I was child we had circus come to town, I really excited.
I laughed so much till I have pain in here but now I think that bear did not want to roller-skate.
(Sam ) Oh, no, there's no animals, definitely not.
- That would be so wrong.
- Oh, I don't know.
There's quite a lot to be said for watching a lion being prodded with a chair.
It's just juggling and stuff.
Sounds great.
And who knows, within five years, you could be busking for a living.
Hopefully, yeah.
That was a joke about the lion.
Yeah.
Cruel.
So did you get much done today? Are you ready for Bullet In The News? Yeah, yeah.
I found quite a good story in the newspaper, about this cat who's inherited a house.
Parrot's contesting the will, and the cat's gonna do some alterations.
Put in an en suite litter tray.
Still, it's better than the stuff Marty was coming up with.
It was all puns, you know? ''Is it a mews house?'' (Laughs ) I like that.
Yeah, I think it was Marty.
Could have been me.
I think it was me.
Ah, it doesn't matter.
(Sighs ) No, to be honest, I was a bit, um a bit distracted.
Yeah? Just, era bit worried about this Bob Fairchild thing.
Oh, don't you start.
I've had it all day.
- Yeah? - You know I look after his daughter, Fiona? Presented Science Now on children's TV? - In fact you've met her.
- Did I? - Yeah, at the Science Museum party.
- Yeah, of course.
How's she taking it? Really badly.
She was hysterical on the phone and then she came into the office, - crying her eyes out - Why? Well, not why.
I mean, howdid he die? He just dropped down dead.
(Sighs ) That's bad luck.
She's in shock, can't believe it's happened.
Yeah These things happen.
Sometimes people die.
No reason.
She should know that, as a scientist.
Well, she's not really a scientist, she's the presenter.
Still, you'd think some of it would rub off.
Anyway, what was bothering you about Bob Fairchild? No, I was just wondering if you knew, you know, how old he was.
Sixty.
Sixty, was he? Ah.
Wow.
That'll be it, then, won't it? God, 60.
(Gasps ) (Whistles ) That's going it some, isn't it? Cor.
I've read all the papers, listened to the news, there's nothing about cause of death, just more tributes.
Rick, the way I see it is this - best thing is, hand yourself in.
Get yourself a lawyer, make a statement.
''It was me.
'' Save the family the time and effort of not knowing who killed him.
- Shut up.
- You're no murderer, Rick, you just did a crazy, crazy thing and now a man is dead.
- You're enjoying this, aren't you? - I'm trying to give you hope.
Good lawyer, sympathetic judge, maybe one with an axe to grind, was abused by a children's entertainer when he was a kid.
- You're looking at two, four years, max.
- If I'd get away from you it'd be worth it.
Look at this headline - ''Thanking you!'' Imagine being remembered for that.
Do you wanna worry about him all day or do you wanna write some gags? Oh, God, who cares about that? Stupid bloody Channel 5 show, I wish I'd never said I'd do it.
Who the hell watches television on a Saturday night? People with no friends and no life.
Welcome, gentlemen.
I trust I find you well this glorious day.
Can I interest you in our special of the day, which is lentil and mushroom risotto? Erm, I tell you what.
I'll just get you a couple of coffees, then you can make up your mind.
Great.
What the hell's gotten into him? - Weird.
He's never usually like that.
- It's like he's finally lost his virginity.
Didn't get his medication right.
I, er, couldn't help noticing that you're appearing in A Bullet In The News this week.
Yeah, I'm recording it tomorrow.
Right, yeah.
I never miss it.
- Really? I wouldn't have had you down as a - Every Saturday night.
- Yeah.
- That host is a very witty guy.
Cor! It's all written for him, it's on autocue.
- He's so quick! - He's just reading it.
- How he comes up with some of that stuff.
- He doesn't.
- The panellists, they come up with their jokes.
- Panellists are very witty, yeah.
I had a joke you might wanna use.
Please.
Yeah? I read about a cat that's inherited a house from its owner.
Which struck me as rather absurd, so you could mention that.
Thank you.
- Rick, that's pretty good, isn't it? - Mm.
(Michael) You know, feel free to use it.
I tell you what, one other thing, while we're at it.
That title, A Bullet In The News.
Never liked that.
You know, it's just not very good, so you could mention that to the powers that be.
Yeah? I-I will.
(Sighs ) - That's great.
- What? - Can't do the cat stuff.
- You can.
Michael'll say he wrote it.
Just because he read a story that's been in all the papers.
Prick.
You can do the stuff about the cat showing people No, I can't even mention the cat material.
Every time I come in here he'll be waltzing around telling everyone he gives me ideas.
It's a professional thing! I take a lot of pride in not dong other people's material.
Of course you do.
One other thought I had about the show - Actually, I've got it covered.
- The Russian guy? - Yeah, I saw that.
- Stole that snowplough.
I read all about that and I wrote a really good joke for it, thanks.
Right, OK.
I didn't hear about this Russian guy.
Neither did I.
Who gives a shit? Yes.
Yes.
Shoe-organiser.
No.
No boxes came.
- Er, Magda - No (Whispers ) Bargain Channel.
No.
No.
Not ''no boxes came.
'' Boxes came but there was no shoe-organiser.
Now he's very upset.
Yes.
(Laughs ) Yes.
- Postcode is N - Shall I? Let me.
Sorry about that.
Hi.
Yeah, what it is, is I ordered this set of storage boxes.
No, I'm sorry, I haven't got the product number.
Well, you must know.
How many different types of storage box do you sell?.
Really? That's quite a lot.
You did send them, they're in my kitchen.
Can I give you my address and not do that thing where I give you the postcode and you work out the address.
It's like a party trick, I'm just not in the mood for it.
I'm not being aggressive.
OK, I apologise if that sounded aggressive.
Yeah, I know you sent the boxes.
No, it's the free shoe-organiser that I'm after.
(Sighs ) Oh, music now.
I've got music.
- Did you have the music? - Yes.
Arctic Monkey.
Of course I looked in the boxes, that's the first thing I did.
I'm not raising my voice.
Hello? No, it didn't come with the boxes, that's the whole point.
Yeah, I'll hold.
In what way is that threatening language? I'm just asking you to send the free shoe-organiser that I ordered with Hello? They're so rude, aren't they? As soon as he's losing the argument he hangs up.
Could you try again tomorrow? (Mel) Sad.
Nice tributes about Bob Fairchild.
They go on a bit, if you ask me.
He won't be that missed.
Anyone would think bloody Father Christmas had died.
Lovely one from Stan Reed.
Stan Reed? Bob hated his guts, they hadn't spoken since 1979.
- Really? Is that what he said? - It's practically the first thing he said to me.
And the last, as it turned out.
How's You know, the daughter? - Fiona? Worse.
- Really? She's convinced there's something suspicious about it, wants to push for an inquest.
Oh, God, there's no need for that.
Everyone knows he was old.
Can't they spare the family the heartache? - She is the family.
- Well, she should spare herself the heartache.
She wants to get the police in.
I feel so sorry for her, poor thing.
Are you OK? Me? God, no, I'm fine.
- What's the matter? - You know, usual worries.
Probably a bit nervous about doing Bullet In The News.
No, you're not.
Come on.
I'm a bit worried This is gonna sound silly.
JustI think I might have inadvertently - killed Bob Fairchild.
- Killed him? I'm sure I'm worrying about nothing.
Well, he definitely is dead.
Seriously, Bob was really allergic to caffeine, and I made him a coffee backstage.
And I don't know but I might haveby accident I might have just given him real coffee.
That wouldn't kill him.
I've looked on the internet, you can die from as little as 3.
2 grams of caffeine.
- How cups is that? - 80.
- How many did you give him? - One, but the point is, he was really allergic, it would take less.
Don't be ridiculous, I'm sure it's got nothing to do with it.
If it was peanuts, yes, but I've never heard of anyone dying of a coffee allergy.
- Really? - Yes.
I mean, it's probably best not to mention it to anyone else, for the time being, at least.
Ah.
My shoe-organiser.
Mel's.
She ordered it.
Yeah, it was more a joint decision to get one.
Still, at least it's arrived.
No.
I decide not to phone.
Instead I go out and I find this in Oxfam shop, one pound, so I buy.
Much cheaper than phone calls.
- But the one I ordered should have arrived.
- Yes, but I buy you this one.
Well, that's very kind, Magda, but I was promised a free shoe-organiser.
These people can't go around promising free shoe-organisers and then just not deliver.
The whole service industry's gone to pot.
I don't know what it's like in your country.
We don't have shoe-organiser in my country.
It's not what I meant.
It's a matter of principle.
- (Doorbell) - Ah.
Might be shoe-organiser.
Have you got the receipt for this one? I don't think Oxfam do receipts.
(Magda ) Sam! Ben's here! - Hi, Ben.
- Hi, Rick.
Shoe-organiser.
I ordered one but it didn't arrive so Magda got one from Oxfam - It's not really what I wanted but anyway.
- Yeah.
My mum's got a shoe-organiser.
Yeah.
So the circus thing, how's that going? Circus skills.
Yeah, er No, not good.
Not good.
I gave it my best shot but Oh, sorry to hear that.
- (Sam ) Hiya.
- Hi.
Hi, Dad.
Ben's just telling me the circus thing didn't work out.
Yeah, yeah.
Bloke running it, bit of an attitude problem with Ben.
With Ben? Why? (Ben ) It was fine before lunch.
Then after lunch he kept going on about, you know, how to do things the right way.
Teachers make you sick, don't they? I was like, ''What?'' Yeah.
''What?'' You know, I just wanna improvise and free-flow, textbook stuff's just not my style.
Nah.
Not at all.
Yeah, they kept going on and on and on about, like, safety stuff.
Fire-eating in tents and that.
- Petty.
- Yeah.
So anyway, I just walked.
- Good decision.
- Cheers.
- So are you guys off to college now? - (Sam ) Er, yeah, yeah.
Cos I'm gonna go and meet Marty at the café.
If you wanna come with me, it's on the way.
Er Yeah, all right.
- OK? - Thanks.
Well, I'll be ready in a couple of minutes.
It's a nice day for a walk, so Oh, right.
You're not taking the car, then? No? No, I usually just walk to the café.
Oh, right.
Well, we're not really ready to go right now, so if it's OK we'll go a bit later.
Yeah, I need to grab some books and That's fine.
It was just Just a thought.
Doesn't matter.
I walked across An empty land I knew the pathway like the back of my hand I felt the earth Beneath my feet Sat by the river and it made me complete Oh, simple thing Where have you gone? I'm getting old His daughter Fiona's gone completely nuts, pushing for an inquest.
Rick, if I die, save the coroner's time.
- It was boredom.
- Yeah, yeah.
Come on, we gotta get these gags for the show.
- That shoe-organiser still hasn't arrived.
- You don't say? - Magda went and bought a second-hand one.
- Second-hand shoe-organiser? That's all you need, the smell of dead men's shoes in your closet.
So, tonight's the night.
Do you get nervous before these recording? Well, I've done quite a lot of these, so Of course, yeah.
Erm, do you think you might be using my cat story? - Your cat story? - Yes, the one I spotted.
Well, it's very much spur of the moment.
I generally improvise.
- I mentioned it to a few people.
- I wouldn't get their hopes up.
I think Father was quietly impressed with my new career as a TV writer.
Proud moment for any dad, finding out his son writes for Rick Spleen.
Quite.
Although to be frank, he hadn't heard of you.
Still, I'll leave you to your musings.
Thank you.
He's unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Come on, let's get on with it.
Right.
What did you say it needed? It just feels too written.
OK, so you want it to sound more improvised? Yes.
(Laughter and applause ) Wait a minute.
You're saying a cat has inherited a house? I didn't see that story.
What Has the parrot not contested the will?.
So is the cat gonna redecorate? ''Number one, I want a cat flap in every door.
''Number two, I want something nice to wipe my arse on, like a breadboard.
'' What's gonna happen when he wants to move? Is he gonna show people round? ''This is where I keep my fur balls, this is my bedroom, en suite litter tray.
'' - (Laughter) - I didn't read the story.
What paper was it in? - You were great! - I know, they couldn't get enough of it.
- The cat stuff, man, it just killed! - I know, I know.
I just wish I didn't have this vision in my mind of Michael sitting with his dad, going, - ''I found that story for Rick.
'' - Forget it.
- I just don't like other people taking the credit.
- You gotta let it go, Rick.
- Look what I borrowed from Hospitality.
- Oh, nice one.
And this You might wanna read this.
Hang on to it, we'll use it next time.
- Just read this.
- We've been reading the papers all day.
You haven't seen this, it's the evening paper.
It's hot off the press.
- (Laughter) - It's us! Rick's in party mode, he's had some great news! - Bob Fairchild died of a stroke! - He-he-hey! Rick, Marty this is Fiona.
(Sobs ) I've seen your TV show.
It's very good.
Informative.
Sorry about your dad.
(Sobbing) The shoe-organiser arrived.
I ordered a shoe-organiser, it was meant to come free with some stuff and it didn't come.
And now it's here.
You got one of these? No.
Yeah.
Cos Magda went off to Oxfam and got me a second-hand one but I didn't want that, it just smelt of dead men's shoes I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain