Lead Balloon (2006) s02e04 Episode Script
Idiot
So, please, do give whatever you can afford.
And on behalf of everyone involved in the fight against HUCCS, thank you.
MAN: And cut.
Rick, that was fantastic.
Thanks so much.
Pleasure.
Was that what you wanted? Even better than I wanted.
Seriously, it was just the right note of sincerity.
Do you want me to do another version? - No, I think we've got it.
- OK.
Great.
Well, let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.
Oh, that's so kind.
Can I get you a cab? No, it's OK.
I brought my own car.
When it's a charity thing, I don't like to add to the costs.
I wish there were more people like you.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I just do my bit.
What goes round comes round.
- OK, well, take care.
- Thanks, Brendan.
See you.
(ENGINE RUMBLES) Oh, bollocks! Just never occurred to me that they would tow someone who's working for charity.
Hmm?Just incredible! I left a note in the car window to say what I was doing.
They never pay attention to things like that.
Well, they should.
As far as they're concerned, either you're parked legally What I don't understand is how can they read it, know that I'm making an appeal to raise awareness for this terrible disease and just not care.
Like I say, they DON'T actually read it.
It's the not caring that gets to me.
They might as well just go to the Paralympics, clamp all the wheelchairs and have done with it.
- Not quite the same, is it? - Well Anyway, good luck at the car pound.
I'm not going.
I'm going to call Brendan.
He'll sort it out.
He'll only ring them up, mention the BBC and they'll crap themselves.
And he'll do that for you, will he? God, yeah.
You didn't meet him.
You don't get that very often in television.
WellI hope they see it that way at the car pound.
I'm off.
All right.
What is it today? Gina Therese has had her chat show idea commissioned.
Gina Therese! She's an ice-skater! - Figure-skater.
- Oh, whatever.
How can she HOST a chat show? Well, we'll just have to see, won't we? They're not calling it Breaking The ice, a???? (CHUCKLING) No, they're going to call it GÃnd.
Gina.
Ginat Why does it bother you so much that she's got a chat show? It doesn't.
I feel sorry for her.
They're just using her.
"Oh, she can ice-skate! "Let's give her a chat show on prime-time television.
" She'll come on, look like a twat, no-one interesting will go on it and they'll cancel it after one series.
Brilliant! Well, anyway, I've got to go and talk costumes with Gina.
" Ginat Ladies and gentlemen, it's Gina!" "Hello, everybo" She's not going to skate onto the set, is she? Good idea.
I'll mention it.
I'm just saying it's a funny disease, that's all.
- How can you find it funny?! - Admit it, it IS kind of weird.
- I mean, I've never heard of it.
- Just cos you never heard of it? I'm just saying, the way you describe it, it is funny.
- HUCCS.
It's a funny word.
- No, it's not.
"I'm sorry to tell you, you have HUCCS.
" "Oh, shucks! I got HUCCS?" Just cos it's a new disease.
You didn't laugh about AIDS when it first came out.
Yes, I did.
- And so did you.
- No, I didn't.
I remember you telling me about the monkey routine.
- That wasn't strictly about AIDS.
- It was all about AIDS! Well, OK, but I had no idea how big AIDS was gonna get when I did that.
Oh.
Oh, that's OK, then.
You're excused.
- So, are we going to do some work? - Yes.
(RICK SIGHS) You know they've given Gina Therese her own chat show? - Who's that? - She's a bloody ice-skater.
Not even Olympic.
Commonwealth Games.
Silver.
Well, that doesn't mean she can't have her own chat show.
Yes, it does.
She might be intelligent and witty.
She's from Romford! Anyway, can we get on with this? (SIGHS) A furniture manufacturers' conference.
How do you write gags about that? It's impossible.
Er "I hope you're all sitting comfortably.
"If not, you've only yourselves to blame.
" Well, yeah "Sorry if I'm a little wooden tonight.
"I wanted to make you feel at home.
" Obviously that.
"The guys from IKEA aren't here yet.
"They're still assembling their table in the car park.
" Is there a Mr Allen Key in the house? No, no.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
Ever think about taking up ice-skating? (MUFFLED CONVERSATION) (MUGHS) All right, Spike.
- All right? - Yeah.
I think Sam's still asleep, so if you want to come through to the kitchen, I'll make you a coffee.
Uh-huh.
- Hi, Magda.
- Yes, hello.
Are you going sightseeing? I have friend coming from home.
I want to show some nice things here.
- Madame Tussauds.
Ha.
- It's good? I don't know.
I've never been.
you know it's waxworks? Of course.
- What is it? - It's famous people made out of wax.
-Wacky - Yeah, you know, candles? Candles you put on a birthday cake.
You light them.
They make people out of candles? - Wax, yeah.
- Why do they do this? Well, you'd have to ask THEM that.
Maybe I will just take her to Green-wich.
Gren-itch.
- Green-wich.
- Gren-itch.
- "Where time begins".
- I wouldn't take that too literally.
You can stand on both sides of the world.
It's not that exciting, it's just a line they've painted on the ground.
"An experience not to be missed".
They've written that, so obviously they're gonna make it sound What is this? This? Oh, it'sa campaign that I'm fronting.
HUCCS.
It's a really terrible new disease they've got over in South America.
Yeah, it's run by a friend of mine - Brendan Carter.
HUCCS.
I don't know this disease.
That's why we're doing the TV appeal, so people like you know about it.
HUCCS.
What does it mean? Well, it's.
.
It's Human Cellular Combustion Syndrome, and your blood cells go into a frenzy and get hotter and hotter until you almost literally explode and you burst into flames.
- No?! - Yeah.
You die? Well, obviously once that's happened, yeah, you would be dead.
- No.
- Yes, I'm afraid so.
It's not possible.
It IS possible, and if you'd seen the photos that I've seen of people suffering, you wouldn't be saying that.
What's the matter with you? Sorry.
It justseems to be getting hotter and hotter.
- Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha.
- I hope it's not HUCCS.
- Yeah, yeah, you're hilarious.
- (MuGHs) I don't suppose you've managed to write anything? Wrong again.
Ah, let's see.
(MUMBLES) Yeah, woodpeckers, yeah.
Swivel-stools Oh, yeah, King Arthur's round table.
You've gone down that route, have you? Yep, all very much along the lines of what I had in mind.
In mind, but not on paper.
Hey, Ben, Sam, how you doin'? BEN: Yeah, good.
Oh, Dad, did you know that Ben's running for president of the students' union? - Really? - Way to go, Ben! - You gonna win? - Hopefully.
- So who are you up against? - Oh, it's just this one guy, Liam.
Yeah, but, I mean, he's in a coma.
A coma?! Yeah, he fell off some scaffolding, so his mates just put his name down for a laugh.
- Nice touch.
- Yeah, it was funny.
So, it's pretty much yours, then? Yeah, well, hopefully.
We're going canvassing this afternoon.
You're going to bother canvassing? Yeah.
We do, umneed to get posters and stuff printed up.
So, er, what we were thinking is, if you could let us have, like, £4O.
- f50.
- Yeah, yeah, f50.
Do you really need to spend all that money? The other guy's in a coma.
Yeah, well, we're worried that he might get the sympathy vote.
MARTY: You can't afford to be complacent, not when your opponent plays the coma card.
Yeah, so if you could let us have, like, f50, and then we can claim it on union expenses and then you get it back.
- That simple? - Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, it'snot even really a loan, if you think about it.
They haven't actually said they won't give the car back.
But Brendan did ring them? Well, no.
He said it was best if I go down myself, explain in person.
- That was nice of him.
- In fairness, he is very busy.
He's got a disease to campaign against.
So when does this HUCCS thing come out? Pretty soon, actually, yeah.
Brendan said he's really pleased with it.
- Good.
- Yup.
Said he'd been watching it all day.
- He MUST be pleased.
- Yeah, I am too.
I sometimes wish I had more time to dedicate to causes like that.
It's nice to put your talents to good use, do something worthwhile.
Yeah.
So how's Gina, the ice-skating queen of chat? (PAPER THUDS) Well, come on! Giving a chat show to a pole-dancing chav from Romford She's not from Romford.
Well, she might as well be.
Seriously, who's going to go on that show? As a matter of fact, we were discussing just that and YOUR name came up.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
Sure.
I steered them away, knowing how you feel about her.
Good.
Thanks.
Obviously, you didn't tell her what I said? Obviously not.
Cos it's better sometimes just to leave those things open.
Yeah? They want YOU on the show? - You sound surprised.
- Well, I am, a little.
"We're launching a new chat show.
Who shall we have on? "Robbie Williams? Tom Cruise?" "No, get me Rick Spleen.
" Well, maybe they think the public are tired of the same old faces.
And they want someone who's happy to talk to an ice-skater.
I'm not saying I'm gonna do it.
I'm just saying Mel is under a lot of pressure to get me on the show, so I might have to do it - for Mel.
Oh, it's for Mel? That's so nice.
I'm caught in the middle.
It must be hard when you're in demand.
(PHONE RINGS) Suzi, hey, how are you? Er, hi.
I had my car towed yesterday.
I was parked in Ledbuy Road.
Thing is, I want to speak to someone about it because I was actually recording a charity appeal at the time, so I should actually get it back for free Are you all right? It IS, isn't it? It's Rick Spleen.
- Yeah, it's me, yeah.
All right? - Oh, my God! I don't believe it.
- Well, it is me.
- I've got your DVD and everything.
Yeah? Nice one.
What's that bit? It's my favourite bit Er, "Why do mobile phones have all them extra functions?" The old mobile phone routine.
"I don't want a television on my mobile phone.
"Is this the news or a phone call from Trevor McDonald?" Nicholas Witchell.
(CHUCKLES) No, it's Trevor McDonald.
No, it's Nicholas Witchell.
No.
It's Trevor McDonald.
I've watched that DVD 20 times.
OK, Trevor McDonald.
So, anyway, it's a blue VW Golf So what happened to that show of yours? They just stopped it after three episodes.
Oh Four.
I think they thought it was just a bit dangerous Cos I read it got axed.
And I'm thinking, "Why?" Cos I thought some of it was quite good.
No, it wasn't axed.
It was partly my decision Those reviews! So unfair! - "Painfully unfunny".
- "Woefully", actually.
You? Painfully unfunny?! "Woefully unfunny".
That must really, really get to you.
You just read them andforget about them.
So, look, who do I speak to about my? Some of these new comedians coming through now, they're all rubbish.
I wouldn't know, I never watch them The only one I rate is that Johnny Kendall.
- He's not that good.
- He cracks me up.
Very derivative, actually.
I mean, some of his stuff is really, really funny.
Yeah, well, it would be, wouldn't it, cos he's got a whole team of writers, so What?! It's written FOR him? Oh, yeah.
All these new boys, they have full-time writers.
I thought he was a genuinely funny bloke.
I know, but sadly he isn't.
YOU don't have a writer, do you? Me? God, no! So who do I speak to about not having to pay? I mean, not writing your own jokes (scoffs) that's pathetic, isn't it? It is a bit.
Look, as I say, I was doing this charity appeal So, they gonna give you your car back, or are they gonna do you a favour and crush it? Oh, hello! You know this nutter, do you? Yeah.
- Are you a comedian too? - Me? No, I just He's just my driver.
That's what he does.
Yeah, I'm his driver.
He drives me to gigs and things.
And away from them REALLY fast! (MUGHS) That's funny.
You should use that.
Why would I deny having a writer? Because you were trying to impress him.
I didn't need to impress him.
I'm his favourite comedian.
I'm like a hero to him.
He works in a car pound and you're his hero.
I think this guy has aspirational issues.
Morning.
You look a bit vexed today, if you don't mind me saying so.
Oh, it's just I had my car towed.
- Oh! Don't start me on traffic wardens.
- It was the police who towed, actually - Incompetent idiots.
- Give out tickets like confetti.
Would that it were so.
But no, no.
The single yellow line outside my house appears to be there just for fun.
"Oh, no, no, don't worry, you park where you like.
"After all, you're dropping your disabled son off at the nursery, "so what does it matter that you're partially blocking my driveway, "which, if I had a car would be a considerable nuisance?" Right.
Still, I think there are circumstances where they should show discretion.
Well, we'll just have to agree to differ.
They wouldn't tow an ambulance when it's on call and this was very similar.
I don't suppose it was.
- No, I was in town - Rick! No, I was in town making a programme for a very good cause Yeah, tell Michael about HUCCS disease.
- He doesn't want to hear about that.
- HUCCS disease? What's that? It's Human Cellular Combustion Syndrome.
It's an airborne virus in South America.
If you catch it, you can get so hot that you actually burst into flames.
(IMnmES EXPLOSION) That's terrible.
- You burst into flames? - Yes.
What did you have to bring up HUCCS for? I'm trying to raise awareness.
It's a terrible disease.
Yeah.
But you didn't see the pictures.
I did.
What's this? It's a donation for the HUCCS disease.
Oh, right.
I'll make sure they get it.
Thank you.
No.
Thank YOU.
Well done.
Come on.
Let's get on with these furniture gags.
Hey, I'm just the driver.
Yeah, I'm gonna do the show.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Why not? Because if I were your agent You're not my agent! If I were your agent, I'd suggest you let Gina get a couple of shows under her belt.
Nah.
Nah, I've thought about it.
I'm gonna do it.
It's the first of the series.
There's a danger they might review it.
So, they need a good guest.
I mean, she is an ice-skater.
Er, figure-skater.
OK.
OK.
I'll let them know you're up for it.
Good luck with the car.
Yeah.
I'm gonna call Brendan, get him to send some of those photos over.
I'll show them what HUCCS does to people.
I'll give them a hard time.
Why not just give them a cheque and get your car back? That's it! Just throw money at the problem! It's not a "problem".
It's a fine and you have to pay it.
Just pay it.
Yeah.
Brendan.
Brendan Carter.
He runs the HUCCS campaign.
Is he? OK.
Well, can you tell him that Rick called? Yeah, Rick Spleen.
Yeah, all right.
Thank you.
Where's Sadler's Wells? Oh, the ballet? It's in London.
Is near to Tunbridge Wells? No, that's a town in Kent.
So they don't have ballet in Tunbridge Wells? No.
Well, yeah.
Maybe sometimes.
Why do you want to know all this? My friend wants to go to ballet, but it's very expensive, I think.
Well, there's a lot of work goes into it.
In my county, everyone can afford ballet.
Is very cheap.
Then again, you have tractors for family cars, so So, we go to Green-wich.
- Gren-itch! - Then Sadler's Wells.
Then final day - London Zoo.
Ah, London Zoo? Nice.
Have you ever been to London Zoo, Ben? Er, yeah, a couple of times.
It's not really my sort of thing, though.
Just animals sitting around, you know? Yeah, who wants to see that? So, how's the student union thing going? - Er, good, yeah.
- Yeah.
- So, um, Dadwhat did you think? - Yeah? - What? - The HUCCS disease thing.
ct Oh, it's gone out? - It's hilarious.
No, Ben, it's not hilarious.
That's a bit sick.
Oh, come on, Dad.
It was pretty funny, though.
How can people dying of a terrible disease be funny? So, when did you realise it was a wind-up? It's not a wind-up.
(phone Rings) It's a terrible disease.
- Spikey, you all right? - Dad, come on.
- You must have guessed it.
- No, he didn't have a clue.
- It's not a wind-up.
- Dad.
Look, people don't just explode.
I said this was a joke.
Come on, Rick.
Watch it.
No.
No.
I don't need to.
Somebody doing a good deed for humanity has had the piss taken out of him.
Hysterical.
Let's all move on.
I have already.
This has really got to you, hasn't it? No.
No.
In fact, you know what my reaction was when I heard it was a setup? I was relieved.
I thought, "Thank God.
"HUCCS disease doesn't exist, "therefore thousands of people in South America aren't going to" - Explode? - Yes.
- That was your first thought? - Yes.
Well, I am in the presence of a spiritual giant.
Yep.
I mean, how come you recorded it, anyway? I didn't.
Suzi did.
She knows I work with you.
Who is this Suzi you keep going on about? Ah, she's an old friend.
You never mentioned her before.
She's been away.
She took a holiday.
Bloody long holiday.
Yeah, she went traveling.
She went all over South America.
- Luckily, she didn't - Don't! Just don't, yeah? I think you should watch it.
These things are never as bad as you think they're going to be.
Had you heard of this Brendan Carter? His real name's Vince Davids.
He has a show on Channel 4.
- What show? - Just a show.
- What show? - (munERs) What's it called? Look At This idiot.
Ha.
I'm (SIGHS) I'm going to get a biscuit.
You don't have to show it to me.
I want you to see it.
OK.
I want everyone to see it.
I want everyone to know what he's done.
Right.
You know what he's done, don't you? He's put the cause of charity back by ten years in this county.
Next time a celebrity is asked to do an appeal, he'll say, "Oh, is this a real disease or one of Vince's windups? "No, thanks.
Don't think I'll bother.
" - Maybe not that many - End result, more dead people.
Well done, Vince.
Good day's work.
Mmm.
So, shall we? I mean, how can he sleep at night? Mr Sincere bloody I knew there was something odd about him.
(SIMPERS) "Hello, I'm Brendan Carter.
" No, you're not, you're a pathetic little parasite feeding off the goodwill of others.
Let's just watch it, shall we? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I wouldn't mind if it was actually funny.
If it was really funny, then fair play, but (TURNS TV ON) Ever heard of HUCCS disease? Course you haven't, cos I made it up He didn't look like that when I arrived.
comedian Rick Spleen from coming in to the studio to record a charity appeal.
I mean, who's watching this rubbish, anyway? It sets up a chain readion within the molecule structure of the facts.
I didn't know ???? could do that.
That's terrible.
This was before - we were just chatting.
I didn't know they were filming this bit.
Sometimes it doesn't spread all over, so maybe just your arm blows up.
- Oh, my God - And they're the lucky ones.
ct saw one man - both arms had just literally exploded, so all he had left were two smouldering armpits (LAUGHTER) under each shoulder.
That's not the photo they showed me! That is NOT the photo they showed me.
They showed me a real photograph of someone with his arms on fire.
To begin with, you could only catch it from fish.
They were the carriers, and obviously not affected being in water.
Right.
Of course.
(Laughter) That's not real laughter.
Now it's time for Rick to put on his caring face Stuck-up Cambridge twat! Hi, I'm Rick Spleen, but I'm not going to make you laugh.
(Laughter) Have you ever wondered what it'd be like to feel so hot Pathetic.
you actually burst into flames? That's what's happening to some people in parts of South America as the result of a terrible new disease.
It's known as Human Cellular Combustion Syndrome.
- Oh, brilliant! You're watching it! - or HUCCS.
J Locals refer to it as "ndeta anana" meaning 'feeling hot, hot, hot".
(MEL AND SAM LAUGH) SONG ON TV: # feeling hot, hot, hot m Obviously it's funny when you put music on top and silly pictures.
Then It's classic! (MEL MUGHS) Gonna be someone Gonna give somethin' I'm takin' it all I'm takin' it all It's gonna be my life So I'm gonna live each day And each night Takin' it all (SLURS) Hello, Vince.
Rick Spleen here.
Just a little message to say seen the show and, er great show, all in all.
Yeah, I knew you were up to something when I saw the old green screen, that chestnut.
But no, I had a lot of compliments about my performance on the show, and my family loved it, and so all in all came out of it pretty well.
So thanks for inviting me on.
Glad I did it, and hopefully I'll return the compliment some day.
Anyway, just to say watch out for me on the new Gina Therese show, a mainstream show that I'll be doing.
So I'll be dishing the dirt on you for a change, a few anecdotes and jokes at your expense.
I hope you don't mind.
All good fun.
And good on you, mate! Cheers.
Oh, I see! So you were in on the joke? Of course.
I'm a comedian, that's what I do.
Oh, that's what you do.
All that stuff about, "Marty, you didn't see the pictures, I did " you made that up? Yes.
I was winding you up.
Rick, you were not in on the joke.
I was! Menus for you.
Umcan I just say that what they did to you on that programme was unforgivable, - making you look stupid like that.
- Well, I No.
Tricking people where charity is concerned is shameful and beneath contempt.
I only hope it hasn't scarred you too much.
- Thanks.
- But Rick was in on the joke.
- I really appreciate that.
- He was just telling me.
ct Sorry? - Well, no, I wasn't.
- I'm not sure I understand.
- The thing is, I You were in on the joke? Well, I sort of was and I wasn't.
I How does that work? Good question.
Um I mean, I don't think anyone comes out of this with any credit.
Oh! Um There's yourf20 back.
Um - Sorry about all this.
- No, no, no, no.
You keep it.
Well, I'll give it to a charity.
A real one.
(MARTY TUTS) Yeah, yeah, we're old mates.
I've known Brendan for years - MARTY: Vince! - Vince for years.
And we were talking about what would be a funny sketch and I came up with this HUCCS thing, and, yeah, that's how it happened.
Huh.
Yeah, well, you know, it says on his website He's got a website, has he? Yeah.
It crashed yesterday.
I think too many people were looking at your clip.
MARTY: Would you guys have that website address? Never mind about the website.
How did the election go? Did you beat the guy in the coma? The election? Yeah, good, good.
I won.
Yeah, he got, like, nearly 600/% of the vote! Congratulations, Mr President.
- Cheers.
- Yeah, well Ben's resigned, actually.
- Yeah.
- Already?! Yeah.
Soon as I'd won, they started asking me to do all this stuff.
Yeah, "Go to this meeting, phone this bloke" "Read this.
" I just thought, "Nah, it's not for me.
" - Nah.
- I just walked.
Well done.
Your first decision.
And the money from the posters? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Um No, that should be no problem getting that.
"Should be no problem"? Well, it's just got to be approved by the president.
- There is no president.
- No, there is! Yeah, it automatically goes to the runner-up.
The guy in the coma? Liam, yeah.
So Liam will decide about my money when he comes out of his coma? Pretty much, yeah.
Good.
Great.
You're still going to do it?! Yes, why not? I don't want to let Gina down.
You know she's going to want to bring up the whole HUCCS thing.
SHE's gonna?! I'M gonna bring it up.
I'm gonna point out that I'm perfectly able to take a joke at my own expense, but you have to consider the damage it does to charity and the relationship It's not that kind of show.
Well, I'll make it that kind of show.
She's not going to be doing in-depth interviews.
She's an ice-skater.
Exactly.
And I'm a comedian, so I'll call the shots.
I want everyone to know just how unfunny it is to play childish jokes like that on people.
So, I go now.
And tomorrow, I take friend to see beautiful English village like you recommend.
- Oh, what village is that? - Oh, it doesn't matter.
Have a nice time.
He has written it down for me.
Oh, dear! "Gatwick Village".
It IS actually quite nice now.
(# PAUL WELLER: One Way Road) I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band Clappin' in the pourin' rain If I know where I'm goin' I don't know from where I came
And on behalf of everyone involved in the fight against HUCCS, thank you.
MAN: And cut.
Rick, that was fantastic.
Thanks so much.
Pleasure.
Was that what you wanted? Even better than I wanted.
Seriously, it was just the right note of sincerity.
Do you want me to do another version? - No, I think we've got it.
- OK.
Great.
Well, let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.
Oh, that's so kind.
Can I get you a cab? No, it's OK.
I brought my own car.
When it's a charity thing, I don't like to add to the costs.
I wish there were more people like you.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I just do my bit.
What goes round comes round.
- OK, well, take care.
- Thanks, Brendan.
See you.
(ENGINE RUMBLES) Oh, bollocks! Just never occurred to me that they would tow someone who's working for charity.
Hmm?Just incredible! I left a note in the car window to say what I was doing.
They never pay attention to things like that.
Well, they should.
As far as they're concerned, either you're parked legally What I don't understand is how can they read it, know that I'm making an appeal to raise awareness for this terrible disease and just not care.
Like I say, they DON'T actually read it.
It's the not caring that gets to me.
They might as well just go to the Paralympics, clamp all the wheelchairs and have done with it.
- Not quite the same, is it? - Well Anyway, good luck at the car pound.
I'm not going.
I'm going to call Brendan.
He'll sort it out.
He'll only ring them up, mention the BBC and they'll crap themselves.
And he'll do that for you, will he? God, yeah.
You didn't meet him.
You don't get that very often in television.
WellI hope they see it that way at the car pound.
I'm off.
All right.
What is it today? Gina Therese has had her chat show idea commissioned.
Gina Therese! She's an ice-skater! - Figure-skater.
- Oh, whatever.
How can she HOST a chat show? Well, we'll just have to see, won't we? They're not calling it Breaking The ice, a???? (CHUCKLING) No, they're going to call it GÃnd.
Gina.
Ginat Why does it bother you so much that she's got a chat show? It doesn't.
I feel sorry for her.
They're just using her.
"Oh, she can ice-skate! "Let's give her a chat show on prime-time television.
" She'll come on, look like a twat, no-one interesting will go on it and they'll cancel it after one series.
Brilliant! Well, anyway, I've got to go and talk costumes with Gina.
" Ginat Ladies and gentlemen, it's Gina!" "Hello, everybo" She's not going to skate onto the set, is she? Good idea.
I'll mention it.
I'm just saying it's a funny disease, that's all.
- How can you find it funny?! - Admit it, it IS kind of weird.
- I mean, I've never heard of it.
- Just cos you never heard of it? I'm just saying, the way you describe it, it is funny.
- HUCCS.
It's a funny word.
- No, it's not.
"I'm sorry to tell you, you have HUCCS.
" "Oh, shucks! I got HUCCS?" Just cos it's a new disease.
You didn't laugh about AIDS when it first came out.
Yes, I did.
- And so did you.
- No, I didn't.
I remember you telling me about the monkey routine.
- That wasn't strictly about AIDS.
- It was all about AIDS! Well, OK, but I had no idea how big AIDS was gonna get when I did that.
Oh.
Oh, that's OK, then.
You're excused.
- So, are we going to do some work? - Yes.
(RICK SIGHS) You know they've given Gina Therese her own chat show? - Who's that? - She's a bloody ice-skater.
Not even Olympic.
Commonwealth Games.
Silver.
Well, that doesn't mean she can't have her own chat show.
Yes, it does.
She might be intelligent and witty.
She's from Romford! Anyway, can we get on with this? (SIGHS) A furniture manufacturers' conference.
How do you write gags about that? It's impossible.
Er "I hope you're all sitting comfortably.
"If not, you've only yourselves to blame.
" Well, yeah "Sorry if I'm a little wooden tonight.
"I wanted to make you feel at home.
" Obviously that.
"The guys from IKEA aren't here yet.
"They're still assembling their table in the car park.
" Is there a Mr Allen Key in the house? No, no.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
Ever think about taking up ice-skating? (MUFFLED CONVERSATION) (MUGHS) All right, Spike.
- All right? - Yeah.
I think Sam's still asleep, so if you want to come through to the kitchen, I'll make you a coffee.
Uh-huh.
- Hi, Magda.
- Yes, hello.
Are you going sightseeing? I have friend coming from home.
I want to show some nice things here.
- Madame Tussauds.
Ha.
- It's good? I don't know.
I've never been.
you know it's waxworks? Of course.
- What is it? - It's famous people made out of wax.
-Wacky - Yeah, you know, candles? Candles you put on a birthday cake.
You light them.
They make people out of candles? - Wax, yeah.
- Why do they do this? Well, you'd have to ask THEM that.
Maybe I will just take her to Green-wich.
Gren-itch.
- Green-wich.
- Gren-itch.
- "Where time begins".
- I wouldn't take that too literally.
You can stand on both sides of the world.
It's not that exciting, it's just a line they've painted on the ground.
"An experience not to be missed".
They've written that, so obviously they're gonna make it sound What is this? This? Oh, it'sa campaign that I'm fronting.
HUCCS.
It's a really terrible new disease they've got over in South America.
Yeah, it's run by a friend of mine - Brendan Carter.
HUCCS.
I don't know this disease.
That's why we're doing the TV appeal, so people like you know about it.
HUCCS.
What does it mean? Well, it's.
.
It's Human Cellular Combustion Syndrome, and your blood cells go into a frenzy and get hotter and hotter until you almost literally explode and you burst into flames.
- No?! - Yeah.
You die? Well, obviously once that's happened, yeah, you would be dead.
- No.
- Yes, I'm afraid so.
It's not possible.
It IS possible, and if you'd seen the photos that I've seen of people suffering, you wouldn't be saying that.
What's the matter with you? Sorry.
It justseems to be getting hotter and hotter.
- Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha.
- I hope it's not HUCCS.
- Yeah, yeah, you're hilarious.
- (MuGHs) I don't suppose you've managed to write anything? Wrong again.
Ah, let's see.
(MUMBLES) Yeah, woodpeckers, yeah.
Swivel-stools Oh, yeah, King Arthur's round table.
You've gone down that route, have you? Yep, all very much along the lines of what I had in mind.
In mind, but not on paper.
Hey, Ben, Sam, how you doin'? BEN: Yeah, good.
Oh, Dad, did you know that Ben's running for president of the students' union? - Really? - Way to go, Ben! - You gonna win? - Hopefully.
- So who are you up against? - Oh, it's just this one guy, Liam.
Yeah, but, I mean, he's in a coma.
A coma?! Yeah, he fell off some scaffolding, so his mates just put his name down for a laugh.
- Nice touch.
- Yeah, it was funny.
So, it's pretty much yours, then? Yeah, well, hopefully.
We're going canvassing this afternoon.
You're going to bother canvassing? Yeah.
We do, umneed to get posters and stuff printed up.
So, er, what we were thinking is, if you could let us have, like, £4O.
- f50.
- Yeah, yeah, f50.
Do you really need to spend all that money? The other guy's in a coma.
Yeah, well, we're worried that he might get the sympathy vote.
MARTY: You can't afford to be complacent, not when your opponent plays the coma card.
Yeah, so if you could let us have, like, f50, and then we can claim it on union expenses and then you get it back.
- That simple? - Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, it'snot even really a loan, if you think about it.
They haven't actually said they won't give the car back.
But Brendan did ring them? Well, no.
He said it was best if I go down myself, explain in person.
- That was nice of him.
- In fairness, he is very busy.
He's got a disease to campaign against.
So when does this HUCCS thing come out? Pretty soon, actually, yeah.
Brendan said he's really pleased with it.
- Good.
- Yup.
Said he'd been watching it all day.
- He MUST be pleased.
- Yeah, I am too.
I sometimes wish I had more time to dedicate to causes like that.
It's nice to put your talents to good use, do something worthwhile.
Yeah.
So how's Gina, the ice-skating queen of chat? (PAPER THUDS) Well, come on! Giving a chat show to a pole-dancing chav from Romford She's not from Romford.
Well, she might as well be.
Seriously, who's going to go on that show? As a matter of fact, we were discussing just that and YOUR name came up.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
Sure.
I steered them away, knowing how you feel about her.
Good.
Thanks.
Obviously, you didn't tell her what I said? Obviously not.
Cos it's better sometimes just to leave those things open.
Yeah? They want YOU on the show? - You sound surprised.
- Well, I am, a little.
"We're launching a new chat show.
Who shall we have on? "Robbie Williams? Tom Cruise?" "No, get me Rick Spleen.
" Well, maybe they think the public are tired of the same old faces.
And they want someone who's happy to talk to an ice-skater.
I'm not saying I'm gonna do it.
I'm just saying Mel is under a lot of pressure to get me on the show, so I might have to do it - for Mel.
Oh, it's for Mel? That's so nice.
I'm caught in the middle.
It must be hard when you're in demand.
(PHONE RINGS) Suzi, hey, how are you? Er, hi.
I had my car towed yesterday.
I was parked in Ledbuy Road.
Thing is, I want to speak to someone about it because I was actually recording a charity appeal at the time, so I should actually get it back for free Are you all right? It IS, isn't it? It's Rick Spleen.
- Yeah, it's me, yeah.
All right? - Oh, my God! I don't believe it.
- Well, it is me.
- I've got your DVD and everything.
Yeah? Nice one.
What's that bit? It's my favourite bit Er, "Why do mobile phones have all them extra functions?" The old mobile phone routine.
"I don't want a television on my mobile phone.
"Is this the news or a phone call from Trevor McDonald?" Nicholas Witchell.
(CHUCKLES) No, it's Trevor McDonald.
No, it's Nicholas Witchell.
No.
It's Trevor McDonald.
I've watched that DVD 20 times.
OK, Trevor McDonald.
So, anyway, it's a blue VW Golf So what happened to that show of yours? They just stopped it after three episodes.
Oh Four.
I think they thought it was just a bit dangerous Cos I read it got axed.
And I'm thinking, "Why?" Cos I thought some of it was quite good.
No, it wasn't axed.
It was partly my decision Those reviews! So unfair! - "Painfully unfunny".
- "Woefully", actually.
You? Painfully unfunny?! "Woefully unfunny".
That must really, really get to you.
You just read them andforget about them.
So, look, who do I speak to about my? Some of these new comedians coming through now, they're all rubbish.
I wouldn't know, I never watch them The only one I rate is that Johnny Kendall.
- He's not that good.
- He cracks me up.
Very derivative, actually.
I mean, some of his stuff is really, really funny.
Yeah, well, it would be, wouldn't it, cos he's got a whole team of writers, so What?! It's written FOR him? Oh, yeah.
All these new boys, they have full-time writers.
I thought he was a genuinely funny bloke.
I know, but sadly he isn't.
YOU don't have a writer, do you? Me? God, no! So who do I speak to about not having to pay? I mean, not writing your own jokes (scoffs) that's pathetic, isn't it? It is a bit.
Look, as I say, I was doing this charity appeal So, they gonna give you your car back, or are they gonna do you a favour and crush it? Oh, hello! You know this nutter, do you? Yeah.
- Are you a comedian too? - Me? No, I just He's just my driver.
That's what he does.
Yeah, I'm his driver.
He drives me to gigs and things.
And away from them REALLY fast! (MUGHS) That's funny.
You should use that.
Why would I deny having a writer? Because you were trying to impress him.
I didn't need to impress him.
I'm his favourite comedian.
I'm like a hero to him.
He works in a car pound and you're his hero.
I think this guy has aspirational issues.
Morning.
You look a bit vexed today, if you don't mind me saying so.
Oh, it's just I had my car towed.
- Oh! Don't start me on traffic wardens.
- It was the police who towed, actually - Incompetent idiots.
- Give out tickets like confetti.
Would that it were so.
But no, no.
The single yellow line outside my house appears to be there just for fun.
"Oh, no, no, don't worry, you park where you like.
"After all, you're dropping your disabled son off at the nursery, "so what does it matter that you're partially blocking my driveway, "which, if I had a car would be a considerable nuisance?" Right.
Still, I think there are circumstances where they should show discretion.
Well, we'll just have to agree to differ.
They wouldn't tow an ambulance when it's on call and this was very similar.
I don't suppose it was.
- No, I was in town - Rick! No, I was in town making a programme for a very good cause Yeah, tell Michael about HUCCS disease.
- He doesn't want to hear about that.
- HUCCS disease? What's that? It's Human Cellular Combustion Syndrome.
It's an airborne virus in South America.
If you catch it, you can get so hot that you actually burst into flames.
(IMnmES EXPLOSION) That's terrible.
- You burst into flames? - Yes.
What did you have to bring up HUCCS for? I'm trying to raise awareness.
It's a terrible disease.
Yeah.
But you didn't see the pictures.
I did.
What's this? It's a donation for the HUCCS disease.
Oh, right.
I'll make sure they get it.
Thank you.
No.
Thank YOU.
Well done.
Come on.
Let's get on with these furniture gags.
Hey, I'm just the driver.
Yeah, I'm gonna do the show.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Why not? Because if I were your agent You're not my agent! If I were your agent, I'd suggest you let Gina get a couple of shows under her belt.
Nah.
Nah, I've thought about it.
I'm gonna do it.
It's the first of the series.
There's a danger they might review it.
So, they need a good guest.
I mean, she is an ice-skater.
Er, figure-skater.
OK.
OK.
I'll let them know you're up for it.
Good luck with the car.
Yeah.
I'm gonna call Brendan, get him to send some of those photos over.
I'll show them what HUCCS does to people.
I'll give them a hard time.
Why not just give them a cheque and get your car back? That's it! Just throw money at the problem! It's not a "problem".
It's a fine and you have to pay it.
Just pay it.
Yeah.
Brendan.
Brendan Carter.
He runs the HUCCS campaign.
Is he? OK.
Well, can you tell him that Rick called? Yeah, Rick Spleen.
Yeah, all right.
Thank you.
Where's Sadler's Wells? Oh, the ballet? It's in London.
Is near to Tunbridge Wells? No, that's a town in Kent.
So they don't have ballet in Tunbridge Wells? No.
Well, yeah.
Maybe sometimes.
Why do you want to know all this? My friend wants to go to ballet, but it's very expensive, I think.
Well, there's a lot of work goes into it.
In my county, everyone can afford ballet.
Is very cheap.
Then again, you have tractors for family cars, so So, we go to Green-wich.
- Gren-itch! - Then Sadler's Wells.
Then final day - London Zoo.
Ah, London Zoo? Nice.
Have you ever been to London Zoo, Ben? Er, yeah, a couple of times.
It's not really my sort of thing, though.
Just animals sitting around, you know? Yeah, who wants to see that? So, how's the student union thing going? - Er, good, yeah.
- Yeah.
- So, um, Dadwhat did you think? - Yeah? - What? - The HUCCS disease thing.
ct Oh, it's gone out? - It's hilarious.
No, Ben, it's not hilarious.
That's a bit sick.
Oh, come on, Dad.
It was pretty funny, though.
How can people dying of a terrible disease be funny? So, when did you realise it was a wind-up? It's not a wind-up.
(phone Rings) It's a terrible disease.
- Spikey, you all right? - Dad, come on.
- You must have guessed it.
- No, he didn't have a clue.
- It's not a wind-up.
- Dad.
Look, people don't just explode.
I said this was a joke.
Come on, Rick.
Watch it.
No.
No.
I don't need to.
Somebody doing a good deed for humanity has had the piss taken out of him.
Hysterical.
Let's all move on.
I have already.
This has really got to you, hasn't it? No.
No.
In fact, you know what my reaction was when I heard it was a setup? I was relieved.
I thought, "Thank God.
"HUCCS disease doesn't exist, "therefore thousands of people in South America aren't going to" - Explode? - Yes.
- That was your first thought? - Yes.
Well, I am in the presence of a spiritual giant.
Yep.
I mean, how come you recorded it, anyway? I didn't.
Suzi did.
She knows I work with you.
Who is this Suzi you keep going on about? Ah, she's an old friend.
You never mentioned her before.
She's been away.
She took a holiday.
Bloody long holiday.
Yeah, she went traveling.
She went all over South America.
- Luckily, she didn't - Don't! Just don't, yeah? I think you should watch it.
These things are never as bad as you think they're going to be.
Had you heard of this Brendan Carter? His real name's Vince Davids.
He has a show on Channel 4.
- What show? - Just a show.
- What show? - (munERs) What's it called? Look At This idiot.
Ha.
I'm (SIGHS) I'm going to get a biscuit.
You don't have to show it to me.
I want you to see it.
OK.
I want everyone to see it.
I want everyone to know what he's done.
Right.
You know what he's done, don't you? He's put the cause of charity back by ten years in this county.
Next time a celebrity is asked to do an appeal, he'll say, "Oh, is this a real disease or one of Vince's windups? "No, thanks.
Don't think I'll bother.
" - Maybe not that many - End result, more dead people.
Well done, Vince.
Good day's work.
Mmm.
So, shall we? I mean, how can he sleep at night? Mr Sincere bloody I knew there was something odd about him.
(SIMPERS) "Hello, I'm Brendan Carter.
" No, you're not, you're a pathetic little parasite feeding off the goodwill of others.
Let's just watch it, shall we? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I wouldn't mind if it was actually funny.
If it was really funny, then fair play, but (TURNS TV ON) Ever heard of HUCCS disease? Course you haven't, cos I made it up He didn't look like that when I arrived.
comedian Rick Spleen from coming in to the studio to record a charity appeal.
I mean, who's watching this rubbish, anyway? It sets up a chain readion within the molecule structure of the facts.
I didn't know ???? could do that.
That's terrible.
This was before - we were just chatting.
I didn't know they were filming this bit.
Sometimes it doesn't spread all over, so maybe just your arm blows up.
- Oh, my God - And they're the lucky ones.
ct saw one man - both arms had just literally exploded, so all he had left were two smouldering armpits (LAUGHTER) under each shoulder.
That's not the photo they showed me! That is NOT the photo they showed me.
They showed me a real photograph of someone with his arms on fire.
To begin with, you could only catch it from fish.
They were the carriers, and obviously not affected being in water.
Right.
Of course.
(Laughter) That's not real laughter.
Now it's time for Rick to put on his caring face Stuck-up Cambridge twat! Hi, I'm Rick Spleen, but I'm not going to make you laugh.
(Laughter) Have you ever wondered what it'd be like to feel so hot Pathetic.
you actually burst into flames? That's what's happening to some people in parts of South America as the result of a terrible new disease.
It's known as Human Cellular Combustion Syndrome.
- Oh, brilliant! You're watching it! - or HUCCS.
J Locals refer to it as "ndeta anana" meaning 'feeling hot, hot, hot".
(MEL AND SAM LAUGH) SONG ON TV: # feeling hot, hot, hot m Obviously it's funny when you put music on top and silly pictures.
Then It's classic! (MEL MUGHS) Gonna be someone Gonna give somethin' I'm takin' it all I'm takin' it all It's gonna be my life So I'm gonna live each day And each night Takin' it all (SLURS) Hello, Vince.
Rick Spleen here.
Just a little message to say seen the show and, er great show, all in all.
Yeah, I knew you were up to something when I saw the old green screen, that chestnut.
But no, I had a lot of compliments about my performance on the show, and my family loved it, and so all in all came out of it pretty well.
So thanks for inviting me on.
Glad I did it, and hopefully I'll return the compliment some day.
Anyway, just to say watch out for me on the new Gina Therese show, a mainstream show that I'll be doing.
So I'll be dishing the dirt on you for a change, a few anecdotes and jokes at your expense.
I hope you don't mind.
All good fun.
And good on you, mate! Cheers.
Oh, I see! So you were in on the joke? Of course.
I'm a comedian, that's what I do.
Oh, that's what you do.
All that stuff about, "Marty, you didn't see the pictures, I did " you made that up? Yes.
I was winding you up.
Rick, you were not in on the joke.
I was! Menus for you.
Umcan I just say that what they did to you on that programme was unforgivable, - making you look stupid like that.
- Well, I No.
Tricking people where charity is concerned is shameful and beneath contempt.
I only hope it hasn't scarred you too much.
- Thanks.
- But Rick was in on the joke.
- I really appreciate that.
- He was just telling me.
ct Sorry? - Well, no, I wasn't.
- I'm not sure I understand.
- The thing is, I You were in on the joke? Well, I sort of was and I wasn't.
I How does that work? Good question.
Um I mean, I don't think anyone comes out of this with any credit.
Oh! Um There's yourf20 back.
Um - Sorry about all this.
- No, no, no, no.
You keep it.
Well, I'll give it to a charity.
A real one.
(MARTY TUTS) Yeah, yeah, we're old mates.
I've known Brendan for years - MARTY: Vince! - Vince for years.
And we were talking about what would be a funny sketch and I came up with this HUCCS thing, and, yeah, that's how it happened.
Huh.
Yeah, well, you know, it says on his website He's got a website, has he? Yeah.
It crashed yesterday.
I think too many people were looking at your clip.
MARTY: Would you guys have that website address? Never mind about the website.
How did the election go? Did you beat the guy in the coma? The election? Yeah, good, good.
I won.
Yeah, he got, like, nearly 600/% of the vote! Congratulations, Mr President.
- Cheers.
- Yeah, well Ben's resigned, actually.
- Yeah.
- Already?! Yeah.
Soon as I'd won, they started asking me to do all this stuff.
Yeah, "Go to this meeting, phone this bloke" "Read this.
" I just thought, "Nah, it's not for me.
" - Nah.
- I just walked.
Well done.
Your first decision.
And the money from the posters? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Um No, that should be no problem getting that.
"Should be no problem"? Well, it's just got to be approved by the president.
- There is no president.
- No, there is! Yeah, it automatically goes to the runner-up.
The guy in the coma? Liam, yeah.
So Liam will decide about my money when he comes out of his coma? Pretty much, yeah.
Good.
Great.
You're still going to do it?! Yes, why not? I don't want to let Gina down.
You know she's going to want to bring up the whole HUCCS thing.
SHE's gonna?! I'M gonna bring it up.
I'm gonna point out that I'm perfectly able to take a joke at my own expense, but you have to consider the damage it does to charity and the relationship It's not that kind of show.
Well, I'll make it that kind of show.
She's not going to be doing in-depth interviews.
She's an ice-skater.
Exactly.
And I'm a comedian, so I'll call the shots.
I want everyone to know just how unfunny it is to play childish jokes like that on people.
So, I go now.
And tomorrow, I take friend to see beautiful English village like you recommend.
- Oh, what village is that? - Oh, it doesn't matter.
Have a nice time.
He has written it down for me.
Oh, dear! "Gatwick Village".
It IS actually quite nice now.
(# PAUL WELLER: One Way Road) I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band Clappin' in the pourin' rain If I know where I'm goin' I don't know from where I came