Lead Balloon (2006) s02e06 Episode Script

Please welcome Rick Spleen.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Ganton-Dennex.
Yeah, what a great business you're in.
You sell drugs, but you don't wear cheap jewellery or drive stolen cars.
Seriously, though - that chairman's speech this afternoon, how long was that? And I know it's normal to get freebies at these conferences, but haemorrhoid cream? See you're having a good time.
A first for you, isn't it? Getting a stand-up without taking Viagra.
You can get Viagra for women.
I don't know about you, I've been using it for women all along.
So, what about this new wonder-drug of yours? What's all the secrecy about that? Surely not worried about the side-effects? So, some lab rats died.
Who cares It's not meant for rats.
I could do without going blind, but other than that, result! That's what I like about Ganton-Dennex, you don't get put off by little minor setbacks like that.
(# PAUL WELLER: One Way Road) Why don't you get a plumber in? I don't want a plumber in the house.
You're not here when they turn up asking for cups of tea What's hard about that? Four sugars, one of them had.
Unbelievable.
I wouldn't mind if they fixed it They did.
That was ages ago.
I bet it's something Ben threw down it.
Well, take it up with Ben, then.
I'd better get ready.
Yeah? What have you got going on? - Oh, this and that - No, come on, what are you up to? Glen Ritchie and Cindy Hawthorne are making a pilot for Channel 4.
- What's the show? - It's a sort of travel show.
A "sort of" travel show? Is it or isn't it? It's more about preparing to travel.
- Like packing? - Yeah.
- No, I'm joking, what's it about? - It's about packing.
It's called What Not To Pack.
That's a great title.
That's original.
Stop it.
What happens? You just watch people packing? Each week there's a celebrity Phew, it's got celebrities(!) - where they're going - Then you watch them packing? I think you're jealous.
I'm very jealous, I can't believe I didn't think of it! Hi, Magda.
Magda, could you improve on your packing technique? Just ignore him.
You know, when you go on holiday, a few tips on how to pack.
I don't go on holiday.
It's too expensive.
- But when you were a child - One time when I am eight years old, whole family must pack very quickly because army are coming to burn houses.
There you go.
How To Pack ctn A War lone.
That's your second series there.
Thanks.
Good luck with that.
Bye, Magda.
Bye.
What is problem? Ben's blocked up the waste disposal.
Maybe I can fix? I really wouldn't bother, that's the thing, our plumber Really, I've tried that.
That's what I was doing.
It's jammed.
(WHIZZING) Good.
We've fixed it.
You do the haemorrhoids gag? No, I didn't use any of the stuff you wrote.
- Want one? - No.
So what did you do? I came up with gags about this new drug they're developing.
- Got big laughs.
- Sure you did.
I stormed it.
You never give me credit.
- I always come up with this stuff.
- You're right.
You're a comic genius.
Let's write some gags for these peanut packets.
Oh, God, I wish I'd never agreed to do this.
It's like writing jokes for lolly sticks.
It's not, it's for adults.
It's sophisticated.
How about, "Rick says, 'Grab my nuts"'? Oh, please.
That's the level they want.
This is my reputation.
It's my face on the peanut packets.
Hey, Ben, Sam, how's it going? You guys like peanuts? - Not really - Yeah, I do.
No, well, yeah, no, I like them.
Ah, Dad, you know this Freeworld Festival thing? The free one, yes.
Um, well, we were wondering if maybe, we could borrow some money to go.
But everything's free.
Yeah, well, we do have to pay for the train and - I had to sort out the tickets.
- They were free.
- I had to phone up.
- You phoned from here, Ben.
I don't see why I should fork out for this.
I keep giving you money.
Yeah.
No, no, no worries No, it's fine, you know.
We can just hitchhike.
Well, I'm not sure I want you hitchhiking.
Yeah, Dad, no, don't worry.
Ben'll be with me, so - How much do you need? - Er, 40, perhaps? Or 50 would be best, you know, if we're coming back.
Cheers, that's great, Dad.
Oh, um, that was it.
We heard your name on the radio.
- Yeah, something you said or something.
- Yeah, jokes aboutdrug companies? - You heard me doing gags? - They were talking about you on the news.
- You heard "drugs" and that was it? - Yeah, pretty much.
Nice work, Rick.
"Shares in the drug giant Ganton-Dennex "are heading for freefall "following rumours that the company's new drug has dangerous side-effects.
" Incredible.
Because of what I said? "An estimated f60 million was wiped off the company's value "after comments made by TV comedian Rick Spleen" - Is that was it says? - Yeah, right here.
60 million.
TV comedian.
It's interesting that they still see me as a TV comedian.
That's hardly the point of the story.
You've cost these guys 60 million quid.
It was a joke.
They were all laughing.
- I'm glad they had fun.
- They did! Apart from one table, but they were Japanese, so Whoa, that makes sense, hold on "The panic began on the Tokyo market "when rumours began to circulate amongst investors "that the lab rats" This is great.
Rick Spleen sneezes, Tokyo catches a cold.
I've done gigs where people in the room don't even know I'm on.
Now the world wants to hear what I have to say.
I can't believe this.
I'm having lunch with Lenny Bruce.
Hey, Michael, how are you? Rick's hungry.
He's been busy destroying capitalism.
See this? Did a few jokes about these people, wiped 60 million off their share prices.
It's incredible, the power of the spoken word.
yes, isn't it? An old friend of mine lost a lot of money.
As will his clients, whose pensions are now worthless.
Still, I'm sure it seemed hilarious at the time.
Right, I'll get your coffees.
There goes our complementary refills.
Oh, so what if a few pin-striped idiots got their fingers burned.
Share prices go down as well as up.
That's what I say on all those voice-overs.
OK, I say it really fast, but so what? - Ok.
Would you care to order? - Yeah, what's the special today? Nothing.
I'm winding down for my annual weekend break.
- You're going away? - The weekend after next.
It has been on the notice board for some time.
I gotta admit, I only look at the notice board if I want a cat psychiatrist or a birthing pool.
Well, it is worth checking on a regular basis.
- So where are you going? - Just down to the coast.
Bit of walking, bit of metal detecting.
Usual thing.
Ah, metal detecting? - Have you ever found anything? - Oh, all the time.
- Horse-shoes, nails, the odd coin.
- The hobby that pays for itself.
Not really.
It's mostly just small change, but it's fun.
- Perfect(!) - Should get you on Mel's show.
What show's this? It's a TV show she's involved in, about people packing to go on holiday.
Get you on it, if you like? What, me? On television? Oh, it's only a pilot, but I'd love to, but I don't see that me metal - I'll say to Mel.
- Surely they want celebrities? Not just celebrities, they want normal people as well.
Tell me you haven't mentioned it to him.
No, course not.
I mean, Marty might have said something, but it was his idea so Not Michael.
Well, it's what that kind of show is all about.
No-one really wants to watch happy families packing to go to the beach.
What you want is your full-on weirdos.
Maybe It's much more fun seeing some oddball folding up his clothes and talking about his metal detector.
I hate to admit it, but Marty's probably right.
Actually, tell a lie, it was, it was my idea, yeah, and then Marty agreed, anyway Watch the news in a minute, see if I've managed to bring the entire world banking system to its knees.
(LAUGHS) You don't seem to be taking this very seriously.
ct Come on.
It's only numbers, isn't it? - It's not just numbers.
It's people's pensions and savings and Dad.
You're going to be very unpopular, you know.
Dad, Dad, you know the Freeworld Festival? The free one that's costing me fifty pounds, yeah? Yeah.
Well, I was reading an interview on the website and the organisers were saying that maybe you should do a speech about the drugs industry being all evil and that.
Yeah? See? They want me to do a gig.
Yeah, no, it's just a speech, actually.
Should I e-mail them and say you're up for it? Yeah, yeah, why not? I'll come along.
Don't like to disappoint people.
Really? Oh, yeah, cool.
All right.
Well, if you're going, you can give Sam a lift.
- Yeah, love to.
- Oh, yeah, no, it's all right.
We're getting a lift with Spikey's dad.
He's doing sound for one of the bands.
Oh, right.
So the fifty pounds I gave you for the train? We were thinking maybe we should give it to Spikey's dad towards petrol.
Well, you know, some of it anyway.
OK, night.
- Night, sleep well.
- Night.
If you want, I can do - MARTY: Rick, come here a sec.
- I'm busy.
- I'm doing it.
- I think you'd better see this.
Yeah, wait.
So stiff - Turn anti-clockwards.
- Clockwise.
I'm just saying it's stiff.
Ben keeps sticking his bottle tops down here.
- You have seen him do this? - No, but he's always doing it.
- MARTY: Rick, this is serious.
- Oh, shut up! Maybe don't be so strong with it.
Just pull it.
Now look what we've done.
The whole thing'll have to be replaced.
I told you we should have got a plumber.
Rick, this whole Ganton-Dennex thing is blowing up.
- They've gone bankrupt.
- Oh, who cares? You know this wonder-drug they were working on? Turns out it was a breakthrough treatment for HIV.
- HIV? - Yeah.
They say that it's gonna set back a cure for AIDS by five years.
Christ.
Well, how was I to know? They can't blame me for that.
You were the one that wiped out their shares.
They were jokes.
I didn't know these drugs were so important.
You do now.
OK.
Let's not overreact.
At the end of the day, all that's happened is we wrote some jokes and they got the wrong idea.
I didn't write those jokes.
They're the kind of jokes you would have written.
Aren't they, Magda? I don't know what this is about.
Rick has opened his mouth, trying to prove how funny he is I'm a comedian! and now there's not going to be a cure for AIDS.
This is bad.
Yeah, I think we've established that.
You're phoning plumber? I've got bigger things to worry about than phoning the plumber.
Yeah, this is way too heavy.
He's got to do damage limitation.
Yeah, hi, it's Rick.
Yeah.
You know this gig I did for Ganton-Dennex? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Has the cheque cleared? If this drug is so good, surely some other company will pick it up? Well, you'd hope so.
Exactly, so this is really just a temporary blip.
I mean, I don't think we've actually done any genuine harm.
-West - Oh, Michael, I was going to say sorry about your friend.
I didn't mean to make light of it.
It's just that the whole thing has blown up in my face a bit.
Oh, the shares thing.
Now, I thought this one would look good on camera.
It's a real beauty.
Sensitive to about 1 8 inches, depending on soil quality.
- What Not To Pack.
- Yes.
It's got discrimination controls so you can define between ferrous and non-ferrous objects, so you don't waste too much time digging up rubbish.
God forbid.
Will there be make-up and suchlike, for the filming? Oh, yeah, probably.
I mean, it's not confirmed yet.
I did mention it to Mel and she's going to suggest you for the pilot.
Right, right.
And then they start to build a set and so on.
- A set? - Yes, of my house? Well, no.
They come and film at your house.
They don't build a set that looks like your house.
It's a reality show.
Oh, I see.
So it's actual reality.
Oh, I'd never realised.
(# STEREOPHONICS: Maybe Tomorrow) I've been down And I'm wondering why These little black clouds Keep walking around With me With me It wastes time And I'd rather be high Think I'll walk me outside And buy a rainbow smile But be free They're all free So maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home.
Can I get one of those, please? 'Fraid not.
- That's the serial number.
- I can see that.
- It's a waste disposal unit.
- I know.
I just can't get you one.
- Why not? - Been discontinued.
- Don't you have a lunch break? - Yeah.
This is it.
Wouldn't it be easier to close for half an hour? No, that would just annoy people, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah, obviously.
So why's it been discontinued? I don't know.
Very popular model, that one.
So popular they thought, "Let's not make it any more"? That's the kind of thing they do, isn't it? Have you got any other waste disposal units? It depends what you want, batch feed, continuous feed I just want one that does the job.
Well, that's a very good one.
How much is that? It'sone nine eight plus VAT.
That's a bit expensive, isn't it? Lasts forever.
Cope with anything, that will.
Could practically put the Christmas tree down that.
Oh, good(!) - OK.
I'll have one of those.
- How do you want to pay? Debit card.
- Is it a new one? - Yeah.
- Well, the box is a bit - I'm not charging you for the box.
- Do I get a discount for that? - Yeah, if you buy 50.
- Do you want the extended warranty? - What? Twenty-eight quid, you get two years' extra cover.
- What for? - In case anything goes wrong.
J You said it would last forever the Christmas tree would This covers you for everything.
Accidental damage, theft Theft? Who the hell's going to steal a waste disposal unit? - Don't have it.
- No, I don't want it.
- It's up to you.
- It is up to me.
I don't want it.
- Fine! - That's how places like this make money.
- No.
- It is.
It's like when you go into a shoe shop and buy shoes and they try and sell you all that stupid spray and polish Don't buy them, then.
- I don't, they're a scam.
- It's not a scam.
You know perfectly well this is a scam, cos you're selling things to people that they don't need.
And I personally wouldn't want that on my conscience, so Look, I, I didn't want to say anything, but aren't you the bloke that's just stopped there being a cure for AIDS? MAN: There he is - Mr Spleen - Mr Spleen, over here - Do you have any comment Do you have any comments? How do you feel about people with AIDS? - Are you ashamed of yourself - Have you got blood on your hands? What's in the box, Mr Spleen? It's a waste disposal unit.
(FRENZY OF QUESTIONS) I've answered your questions.
No further comment.
(JOURNALISTS CLAMOURING) WOMAN ON TV: according to the company's chief scientists, early results had been promising, but the collapse of Ganton-Dennex means all further trials of the so-called wonder-trust have been hactted.
Campaigners have described it as "A devastating blow in the fight against AIDS.
" The World Health Organisation also expressed its concern over what is now being referred to as the Rick Spleen Debacle.
rn other news, the president of the EU That's great.
I've had a debacle named after me.
Mmm.
It's not good.
I mean, sometimes these big companies, they get bailed out by their governments.
Hmm.
Let's hope so.
It was just a gig, a few jokes, now all this.
I know.
Maybe I should make a donation? It's f60 million.
I don't know if it would make that much difference.
This is quite serious, isn't it? I know.
It's really bloody serious.
Maybe you should do a press release.
Say how sorry you are.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
I mean, sometimes you just have to come out and say, "Sorry.
My writer screwed up.
" - Was it all Marty's stuff, then? - Pretty much, yeah.
And yet, I'm public enemy number one.
I'm sure this bloke was following me this afternoon.
Probably just another journalist.
He didn't look like journalist.
- What did he look like? - More like a professional hit man.
- Come on.
- Why not? If some Japanese gangster loses millions of yen as a result of me, he'd pay someone to take me out, as a warning to other comics.
Maybe you just need a break.
Why don't we go away for a bit? Let things calm down.
Suppose we could get Cindy and Glen to come and film us packing.
Nice idea.
Actually, that's been shelved.
What Not To Pack? I was looking forward to it.
The commissioning editor got fired.
Oh.
What, was he told to pack his Yeah, we had all the jokes at the office.
"Please proceed to the departure lounge.
" Yeah, obviously that one.
- Oh, God.
- What? Michael, he thinks he's going to be on the show.
- Oh, well.
- Oh, well? He's obsessed with it.
He's going to take it really badly.
- When are you going to tell him? - Me? I'm not telling him.
Well, I've got enough on my plate with all this AIDS nonsense.
Hi, Mum.
Hi, Dad.
Hi.
Um Dad, you know the Freeworld Festival? Yeah, how's that coming on? Well, um, the organisers were saying, it's probably best if you stay away because of - Because of the AIDS thing? - Yeah.
The Rick Spleen Debacle? Yeah.
That.
They probably think it would be inappropriate for me? No, it's just not safe, really.
I'm going to head off.
- Goodnight.
- Night.
(# ECHO AND THE BUNNYMEN: History Chimes) Bells high on a hill History chimes And you want a new beginning Tell me In biro or quill Your purpose and mine Prove that our world is spinning So Here goes nothing better And here's to Something Else Until tomorrow But that's another time.
MARTY: On a plane - can you take a metal detector through a metal detector? - Or do they cancel each other out? - Shhhhh! Or does the big metal detector just say, "It's OK, he's a friend"? Shut up.
Anyway, you're supposed to be writing gags about peanuts.
Don't ever say yes to anything like this again.
- How did it go, Magda? - Was OK.
You sure? He said everything's OK? Yes.
I don't understand.
Why are you hiding from plumber? I'm not.
I'm just in the middle of something.
I haven't time to talk about waste disposal units all day.
Well, he put in new one and is working.
- Did you make him a cup of tea? - Of course.
- How many sugars did he have? - I don't know.
He help himself.
- I'll bet he did.
- He did have many biscuits, though.
- You gave him biscuits? - He ask for biscuits, so I give him.
Did he say why the old one broke? Was it Ben's bottle tops? No.
Was chery stones.
Somebody has been All right.
I haven't got time to discuss this.
We've got a deadline.
OK.
We need one more peanut gag.
OKwhat was it? - "Rick says, grab my nuts.
" - We used that already.
It would be better coming from you.
Me? Why should I tell him? I'm in the middle of a major international crisis.
- You should deal with Michael.
- You crushed his dreams.
Don't be stupid.
He's probably forgotten about it.
Good afternoon.
Or should I say, "Action"? Ha-ha-ha.
Michael Now, do you think I should use my normal voice or should I project more? - Normal, but - I don't want it to look hammy.
You won't.
What's happened is Just act naturally, be myself, as if the cameras weren't there.
On that note, can I explain - the cameras actually won't be there.
Really? How will they be filming it? They won't.
The show's been cancelled.
- The commissioning editor's been fired.
- oh.
Yeah.
- They told him to pack his bags.
- Where's he going? No, that was just a I don't know.
Well, I must say this is a massive disappointment.
I don't know why Mel got your hopes up.
I don't know what she was thinking.
You still have your metal detecting to look forward to.
Yes, yes.
Well, there is that.
Won't be the same without cameras there.
Packing on my ownagain.
You might get lucky, find some buried treasure.
Mmm.
With respect, that's precisely the kind of misunderstanding that you get in the metal detecting community.
Better get on, plates to clear.
- I think he took that well.
- Oh, he'll get over it.
Mr Spleen? What do you want? Can I just have a quiet word with you? - Well, who are you? - Simon Russell, I'm from the Tímes.
We're doing a piece about Ganton-Dennex.
I'm issuing a press release.
It was a misunderstanding You knew what you were doing.
It was just jokes, which he wrote, by the way.
- Hey, wait a minute! - Look, it's OK, you can level with me.
We've been onto them for months.
We just wondered how you knew.
I mean, we knew about the drug trials going badly wrong, and that they were trying to cover it up, but how did you know? - About? - About the side-effects.
You must have had inside information.
Well I had my suspicions all along.
I got called into the usual briefing before the gig and something about it didn't add up.
What was it in particular? Well, just the whole thing, really.
I thought, "I have to speak out.
" Nobody silences me.
Not when there are lives at stake.
- Well done, you.
- Thank you.
You were the one who wrote the jokes? - Like he said - He didn't.
He just wrote a gag about haemorrhoid cream.
OK, right.
So do you think you could just talk me through it from the beginning? Ganton-Dennex called me, sorry, shall I yeah, Ganton-Dennex called me into the office, usual thing, paperwork on the desk OK, maybe I shouldn't have looked "SpleenGate.
" All of a sudden you're a whistle-blower.
I know, I've gone from debacle to Gate overnight.
Why is called Gate? Well, you know, Watergate.
Richard Nixon? ct America? - Of course.
Well, it's something that happened in America, very much like this.
So you are big hero now, you have save world from bad men? I wouldn't put it quite like that, Magda, but yeah, that is pretty much the gist of it.
I think one of them actually compared me to Lenny Bruce.
- Really, which one was that? - Oh, I can't remember.
I think it was the Guardian.
Page 5.
Yeah, there.
Oh, yeah! That's a quote from you, though.
But they obviously agreed or they wouldn't have printed it.
These documents that you saw in their office, what was in them? Well, it's probably best if it goes no further.
You know, I saw what I saw and I did what had to be done.
- Yeah.
- I mean, the main thing is a corrupt pharmaceutical company has been exposed, and yes, I'm getting the credit for it.
So all in all it's turned out pretty well.
There is still no cure for AIDS, though.
The glass is always half empty for you, isn't it, Magda? (WHIZZING) (CRUNCH!) (# PAUL WELLER: One Way Road)