Lead Balloon (2006) s03e04 Episode Script
Karma
- MAN: Action! - Oh! It's OK, you're in safe hands now.
So remember, if you've been injured in an accident, you might be entitled to compensation.
So don't delay, call Quick Claim today.
It's OK, help's on its way, you'll be fine.
- And cut there! - (BELL RINGS) Thanks, everyone, that's a wrap.
Thanks a lot, Rick.
That was great.
- You sure? - Yeah.
You didn't want me to put more emphasis on "today"? No, it's fine, honestly.
I mean, it's daytime TV, isn't it? It's for pond life.
- Well - Jobless morons, - stuffing their faces full of crisps.
- I suppose Fat single mums with eight kids from 12 different dads.
- Well, you're the comedian.
- Yeah, sort of bedridden pensioners wetting themselves, like - No need for that, mate.
- No, I didn't mean Thank you, my darling.
That was really, really good.
Honestly, sorry about him.
OK, see you later.
Bye.
God, she was useless! Listen, thanks a lot, Rick.
- Cheers, Jamie.
- That was really great.
OK, look forward to working with you again.
Yeah.
Cheers, Jamie.
Bye.
Ct I wanna get high But I really can't take the pain ct (BIRDS SING) Mel.
- Mel.
- Hmm? - Can you hear that? - What time is it? - 20 past.
Can you hear that? - What? The bird song.
It's so beautiful.
Hm, isn't it? Incredible to think I might not have been alive to hear that.
If that lamp had landed a couple of feet closer I wouldn't be here talking to you.
Rick, please! I'm glad you're alive, now be quiet.
Sorry, I Just saying Oh, sorry.
I was up really late with Sam.
Oh, it's a shame, isn't it? I'm so fond of Ben.
Let's hope so.
If there's one thing thisbrush with death, I suppose we should call it, has taught me, it's that life is too short and you shouldn't waste a single minute.
20 past six?! I could have slept for another hour! I could have been dead.
What is it with English spelling? You guys don't know how to spell properly.
Theatre.
T-R-E.
Pathetic! I keep asking myself, "Why me? Why was I spared?" Good question.
It's like I'm seeing everything for the first time.
Trees Rick, enough.
- The way they sway in the wind.
- It's like sitting here with Gandhi.
The thing is, Marty, you've never had a near-death experience.
I'm having one now.
If it had happened to you, you don't know how you would have reacted.
Oh, yes, I do.
I'd sue their asses, and so should you.
(CHUCKLES) - What for? - Trauma, sudden weight gain and anything else my lawyer could think of.
Marty, when will you learn to let go? Yes, they probably do deserve to be sued.
The director was a troubled man But I'm alive, that's all that matters.
Move on.
Embrace the good karma.
Already, positive things are happening to me.
Would you like tea or coffee, Magda? Tea or coffee? Would like tea.
- You have it black, don't you? - Yes.
- Thank you.
- That's a nice top, is it new? Yes, I get with money from car-boot sell.
"Sale".
Good for you.
Funny old thing, life.
Yep.
This is the day I wasn't meant to see.
Ah, yes, you have accident at work.
Oh, not just "accident".
I stared death in the face and lived to tell all the tale.
- One time, when I was 1 ct - It's funny, I remember once seeing a documentary about a group of plane-crash survivors.
And I always remember one of them saying he could only really talk about it with other survivors.
I didn't understand it at the time, butI do now.
I think that's why I find it so hard to open up and talk about it with you and Marty.
It's something I'll only ever be able to share with other survivors.
One time, when I was 1 ct, soldiers surround village and come into house and make my family and me stand all together and they are pointing guns and nobody must speak.
The leader is in house and I think he is going to say, "Shoot them.
" But he says, "You go, run now!" And we ran into woods and hide for two weeks.
Yeah, that's a bit different.
This thing actually did drop that close to me.
It's not exactly filling, though, is it? - No, I like salad.
- How's the food? - It's delicious.
- Now, I wanted to show you something.
What's that? New menu? No, no, no.
It's Bryony's idea.
Oh, yeah, how's all that going, the counselling? Well, to be honest, for the last few sessions, I've got a bit stuck.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
So Bryony suggested I should try channeling my feelings through painting.
- Why not? - That's a great idea.
Sort of art therapy.
I can see how that would work.
- It's a question of letting go.
- Exactly.
Letting your subconscious flow onto the paper.
- May I see? - Absolutely.
- Wow! That's really good.
- Thanks! - What's it called? - Father.
- OK.
- Ah, it's about your father.
That's fascinating.
No, it's not about him, it is him.
- Right.
- It's a portrait.
I think that's really good.
Yes, Bryony said it was very powerful.
She said maybe for the next one I should try relaxing my style a little.
- D'you think so? - I don't know.
She's probably right.
Yes, I don't mind admitting I'm rather pleased with the results.
Never knew I had it in me.
Who knows? A whole new career may lie ahead! Why not? Go for it.
- Well, thanks, Rick.
I appreciate it.
- Hey, you're welcome.
Wasn't that great? I like it when we hate each other.
That's how it works.
If you're happy all the time, how are you gonna be funny? All right, well, from now on, maybe you write the gags and I'll just stand up and say them.
So, no change there, then.
See, that's where you're supposed to come back at me.
That would just be childish.
Oh, my God! - (DOOR OPENS) - Hi, Sam.
- Hi.
- Hi, Sam.
Are you OK? Yeah, did I leave a book in here? Which book? It's got like, um, pictures of bands in it.
- I'll help you look for it.
- Thank you.
Hey, sorry to hear about you and Ben.
- Oh, cheers.
Oh, yeah, it's Ben's book.
- Oh, right.
- So, what happened? - Oh, you know how we had the band? - Yeah, you guys were good.
- Yeah, well it all went a bit pear-shaped and we had this big row.
- Is this it? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Cheers, thanks.
- May I? - Yeah, sure.
- Ah, nice book! - Do you still get to see it on weekends? - (LAUGHS) Yeah, something like that.
- Take it to the zoo.
- Buy it an ice cream! - Tell it it's not its fault.
- Ha-ha! Funny line! - Thank you.
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
She's a sharp kid.
Witty.
She gets more like Mel every day.
Rick! - Hm? - I just insulted you.
Mm-hm.
Michael was in good form today.
- Was he? - Yeah.
You did really well putting him in touch with Bryony.
She's got him into this art therapy.
Did a painting of his father.
It wasit was quite like him.
- Was it? - Yeah.
Are you OK? What's up? You know all that stuff I gave Magda for the car-boot sale? Yeah.
Well, I gave her a shoebox full of postcards and God knows what.
Just junk.
And I think well, in fact I know, that your grandfather's medals were in there.
What? They were in an envelope, I suddenly remembered, - I put them there ages ago.
- So Magda's sold them? It wasn't her fault.
She had no idea.
Someone just came and bought the whole box.
So they're gone? I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I looked everywhere, just in case, but Oh, God.
I don't know what to say.
Ah, well Sorry? Come here.
Did you think I'd be cross? Working? Oh, yeah.
Hi.
Sorry, I won't disturb you.
Mmm! Ah, wonderful thing, water.
- Yeah.
- Would you like some? Oh no, I'm good.
I've got athing.
Actually, I'm glad you're here.
I was hoping we could have a little chat.
- Oh, yeah? - I haven't had - a chance to say how sorry I am.
- Why, what've you done? No, about you and Ben.
- Oh, no, it's fine.
- You're being very brave.
- Not really.
- Marty was making light of it earlier.
He means well but he can be a bit insensitive.
I don't mind.
It was funny, it was a joke.
Yeah? OK.
The thing is, this wholenear-death business has taught me to appreciate what life has to offer - rather than what it has missing.
- Good.
What I mean is, you have to look for the positive in a situation, like the one you're in, you know, with Ben.
I know.
I do.
I'm fine.
I mean, the heartache does go.
- Dad, shut up! - Well, you need to hear this.
No, not really.
I don't need to hear it, because I'm fine and I'm getting on with some work and everything's OK and if it wasn't OK I'd talk to Mum about it.
Good.
That's That's good.
Have you ever thought about painting your feelings? Ct It's a new dawn, it's a new day ct It's a new life for me ct and I'm feellin' good ct Fish in the sea, you know how I feel ct River runnÃn' free, you know how I feel ct Blossom in the tree, you know how I feel ct It's a new dawn, it's a new day ct It's a new life for me ct and I'm feeling good ct - MARTY: What are you doing? - It's a ladybird.
(CHUCKLES) How long is this going to on for? It's making me tense.
Would you like a pastry? Rick, please! Do you want to know - what happened to me this morning? - No.
I woke up early.
It was a beautiful morning, I thought I'd go for a walk.
I saw these pastries in the window of Angela's and I thought, "Marty would like those.
" Can we switch to another story, one which has a point? Whoa, whoa, whoa! I come home, I turn the oven on, in case you wanted one of them warmed up.
Holy crap! And I notice that my mobile was flashing.
It was a message from Jamie, the director of the Quick Claim advert.
- The one you should have sued.
- Ah, well, now that is my point.
Jamie has gone on to his next job, which is an eight-part comedy drama for BBC1 , cactctgct all about Eddie, and he has offered me a part in it.
And that is what I call karma.
But it's not really karma.
It's more luck.
No, because I could have sued, but instead I let it go and now this has happened.
Good! You were right, I was wrong.
Well done and thanks for the pastries.
You don't want to know - which part I'll be playing? - What? In nll about Eddie? The part I'll be playing.
Oh, yeahwhat part are you playing? Eddie.
I'm Eddie, I'm playing Eddie in all about Eddie.
Seriously? - You're like the Eddie in the title? - Yeah, that's me.
- And there's only one Eddie in it? - Yes, there's only one Eddie.
Why would there be two people called Eddie in the show? That would be confusing and stupid.
And there is only one Eddie? No, well, I thought there would be, I just wanted toyou know Well, I look forward to getting the script.
- (DOOR OPENS) - Thanks, Jamie, cheers.
Bye.
Ah! Hi, Magda.
- Hello.
- Funny, that.
Just heard I got the lead role in a major BBC series.
What's this? It's money left from car-boot sell, - because I'm sorry about medals.
- Don't worry, Mel told me about it.
- They were in a box - It's OK, it's not your fault.
- I would like you to have.
- It's a nice gesture, but really it's not about the money, it's more the sentimental value.
Perhaps I can find man who bought at car-boot sell.
I wouldn't worry, it'll be on eBay by now.
Just someone's lucky day.
Oh, well, thank you for being so kind about it, I was worried you were going to be angry.
Well, I could be, but really, what's the point? I suppose I'm a bit like that man you were telling me about.
Man? You know? In the war, when you thought you were gonna be shot? And then the leader man turned up and said, "Go, run, hide.
" I'm a bit like him.
Isn't it fantastic? It's an eight-part comedy drama all about me! It's gonna be massive.
- It's wonderful news.
- I know.
Although I'm only gonna do three series max, then walk away.
I don't want people to think I am Eddie.
I'm really happy for you.
There are so many other roles out there.
I've always fancied - having a crack at Doctor Who - (WHISPERS) Rick I think perhaps we should order.
Oh, yes! Um I'll have the sashimi, please.
With a side order of snow peas.
Yeah, and I'll have the fish cakes, please.
Of course.
So, congratulations! It's nice to have some good news.
Oh, what, the medals? Oh, don't worry about that.
Like I said, don't sweat the small stuff.
Actually, I meant Sam.
- Oh, she's fine, I had a word with her.
- Yeah, she said.
The main thing is, she'll get over it, she'll meet someone else.
These things usually turn out for the best.
- Let's hope so.
- Look at me, I could have been killed, and now, instead of being dead, this has happened! Jamie's sending the script over tomorrow.
He's the director, he's a great bloke.
(DOOR CLOSES) Ah, EddieMarty.
Look what arrived this morning, ctllct6out fctctcte.
- Look at that, that's just episode one.
- So, you read it yet? I was reading it when you came in, it's fantastic.
Eddie's a great character.
Very complex, drives a Porsche.
- 911? - 911 GTct RS.
Now you're making me jealous.
No, don't be.
Come and visit me on set, take it for a spin.
Actually, no.
Probably better maybe not cos of the insurance Don't worry about me, I'll just watch it from home.
- Oh, hi, Ben.
- All right.
I don't think Sam's in, so I know, I just came to get my stuff.
- Well, like I said - Cheers.
Do you want to come in anyway wait for her? Yeah, I must admit, it did come as a bit of a surprise.
- Yeah.
- Still, there you go.
- Sometimes these things happen.
- Yeah.
Anyway, it's an eight-part comedy drama called All About Eddie.
Right, right.
So what's it about? Well, it's all about Eddie.
And I'm playing Eddie.
Ah, cool.
Yeah.
And like I say, it all came about because of this near-death thing The lamp.
Yeah.
So anyway, what have you been up to, apart from looking round record shops? Anything else? It's just been a bit dead, really.
Oh, I went to see Spikey, he's in hospital.
Oh, what's the matter with him? He got hold of some diazepam.
- Did he? - His step-mum's a mental nurse.
- Oh, I see.
- Sent him a bit weird.
Had it with one of them wine boxes.
Stupid, really.
What, he had a whole wine box? - You know the ones with the little taps? - I know what they are Anyway, he ended up in hospital.
Oh, dear.
Bad luck, Spikey.
- It's his own fault, really.
- I suppose so, yeah.
- (DOOR OPENS) - Hi, Dad? Oh, hi, Sam Do you know, has Ben called? oh - Hi.
- All right.
Erhave you seen Spikey? Yeah, yeah.
He's all right.
Good, good.
- Might go see him.
- Anyway, shall I? No, it's all right your stuff's out here.
Ah, thanks.
- Found that book.
- Cool, coolall right.
Well, er, I'm gonna - RICK: It's on in October.
- Yeah.
I thought Sam seemed a bit happier today.
- Rick, have you read this script? - Great, isn't it? You haven't read it, have you? Well, I read the first couple of pages, then Marty distracted me.
See I drive a Porsche? - Yes, into a lorry.
- How do you mean? You crash into a lorry and die.
Don't spoil the ending, I haven't read it yet.
It's not the ending, this is on page three.
So the rest is just flashbacks leading to No, you die in page three and then you're not in it again.
- No, no - Look.
She mentions me there.
Julie mentions me.
And again there, see? Yes, because you're dead.
I doubt very much I'm dead.
God, read page three.
Look - "Eddie hangs from the car window, dead, his neck at a hideous angle.
" But I can't be, cos it's all about Eddie.
It's all about Eddie's friends and how they come to terms with the fact that Eddie's dead.
RICK: Look Well This is just the first episode Oh, fantastic.
That is a relief.
No, cos I was reading episode one and thinking, "Hang on a second, is he definitely dead?" No, that's great for my schedule.
So, I'm just in the first episode, hmm? Good.
And what, a day's filming? If that, exactly.
Phew.
That's great, thanks.
Thanks, Jamie.
Cheers.
Good morning, I just want to say thank you again for being so kind about car-boot sell.
It's "sale", Magda.
Car-boot sale.
How many bloody times do I have to tell you? Oh, dear.
(LAUGHS) Hilarious! Yeah.
(THEY LAUGH) Sorry, Rick.
Marty's just been filling me in.
Killed oct on page three - that is priceless.
Yeah, isn't it? Can I have a steak sandwich and chips? Yeah, sorry.
- What a massive disappointment.
- Not really, no.
Anyway, RickI know you're a fan of my art.
I wondered - if I could show you my latest? - Maybe later - I'd like to see it.
- Yes, great.
I'll go and get it.
- What happened to Gandhi? - Can you just drop it? OK, right.
I hope you're ready for this.
Bryony says it's my best work yet.
Ho-ho! OK, so what's this one called - Mothered No.
No it's Rick.
That's me? Yes.
What do you think? What do I think?! About the portrait.
Want to buy it? Actually, it's not for sale, cos Bryony says I need to keep them so that I can work through the - No, go on, what do you think? - You really don't want to know.
- Yes, I do.
- Oh, Michael, I'm really not in the mood for this.
What's the matter cat got your tongue'? OK, you wanna know what I think? I don't like it.
It's nothing like meor anyone.
Yes, well, you have missed the point - it's expressionist.
- (LAUGHS) Yes.
- Well, expressionist or not, that is one of the worst drawings I've ever seen.
It's rubbish.
If you think you're gonna be an artist, then you are completely deluded.
- Rick, this isn't rctectfactor.
- No, he needs to hear this.
That is pathetic! I wouldn't rate it if you told me it had been done by a two-year-old chimp! And you know what, Michael? If I'm honest, I don't think this Bryony person is doing you any good with her stupid art therapy and psychobabble.
Fine.
That's your truth - and I respect it.
- Yeah, I know.
I was just hoping you'd like it, that's all.
Well, I didn't.
Good.
- I'll get your steak sandwich.
- Please.
(DOOR BANGS LOUDLY) - I still can't believe you did it.
- I've said sorry.
- What else do you want me to say? - It's just such a stupid thing to do! And you've never done anything stupid? Yeah, I trusted you with my medals.
I was gonna get them framed.
You've been saying that for years! Anyway, why are you bringing all this up again? It's only just sunk in, the enormity of it! Oh, come oct it! Anyone would think he got the George Cross.
He was only a bloody air-raid warden.
How dare you belittle the role of the ARP? I'm not belittling it, just pointing out that they were service medals for being an air-raid warden, and, strictly speaking, one of them was a badge.
It took a lot of courage for my grandfather to do what he did, - riding around on his bicycle - Yes, on his bicycle Yes! Getting people to turn their lights oct, bombs raining down all around him, the terror, confusion Please! He lived in a village in Somerset - he never even heard a bomb.
Your mum told me that.
Well, it shows what a good job he did.
- (LAUGHS) - Don't laugh.
Lighten up! Go and listen to some bloody birdsong.
- Because that's how you spell it.
- Only if you're illiterate.
- It's the American spelling.
- I rest my case.
There's a U in it.
Look, after the O.
See, the one shaped like a doughnut? See, this is more like it.
- What? - The old Rick is back.
It's so much better when nothing's working out for you.
No, that's where you're wrong.
You know my medals? Your grandfather's medals.
- I'm getting them back.
- No kidding.
Yeah, I found them on eBay.
- You're sure they're the same ones? - I'd recognise them anywhere.
Anyway, there was the corner of the shoebox in the photo.
There you go.
How much? - 70 quid.
- Whoo! Well, 71 in the end.
I got into a bidding war with some idiot.
They didn't know who they were up against.
This is family history - you can't put a price on that.
Apparently you can - f71 .
Still, worth every penny when I think what my granddad went through, you know, in the Blitz I mean, this is before you lot joined in.
Oh, no.
Not this again, please.
Bombs raining down all around him, terror, confusion It's a bit like when that lamp fell on me.
It's exactly like that.
- You get back to that director guy yet? - Jamie? Yeah, I've said I'll do it.
I might as well.
I don't want to let him down.
Besides, if it's a hit, there might be a prequel.
Nll about Eddie - only this time with Eddie in it.
Or I could come back as a ghost.
Maybe you're not really dead - you wake up in the '70s and drive around in a Cortina.
Hey, Magda.
Hello.
Oh, Magda.
I was just saying, I managed to track down those medals you lost.
They were on eBay.
Cost me f71, but What's wrong with you? I found them also on eBay.
I tried to buy for you! I am putting $5 and then other person is putting £10 and then I am putting f11 and other person is putting f20 I know what happened I know what happened! - Why did you keep bidding? - Because you keep bidding! Well, thanks a lot, Magda.
That's 71 quid you've cost me! No, 6ct.
What? I give you £8 before.
- That hardly counts.
- It's from car-boot sell.
That's for borrowing my car to go there in.
You would not lend me your car.
Of course I did.
Didn't you go in my car? Ct I wanna get high But I really can't take the pain ct Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane ct WOMEN ONLY.
Why don't you face the truth? Eddie was a tedious little man.
It's high time we admitted it This show's really gone downhill.
And that's just the second episode.
Ct Now you're gonna be in summertime ct
So remember, if you've been injured in an accident, you might be entitled to compensation.
So don't delay, call Quick Claim today.
It's OK, help's on its way, you'll be fine.
- And cut there! - (BELL RINGS) Thanks, everyone, that's a wrap.
Thanks a lot, Rick.
That was great.
- You sure? - Yeah.
You didn't want me to put more emphasis on "today"? No, it's fine, honestly.
I mean, it's daytime TV, isn't it? It's for pond life.
- Well - Jobless morons, - stuffing their faces full of crisps.
- I suppose Fat single mums with eight kids from 12 different dads.
- Well, you're the comedian.
- Yeah, sort of bedridden pensioners wetting themselves, like - No need for that, mate.
- No, I didn't mean Thank you, my darling.
That was really, really good.
Honestly, sorry about him.
OK, see you later.
Bye.
God, she was useless! Listen, thanks a lot, Rick.
- Cheers, Jamie.
- That was really great.
OK, look forward to working with you again.
Yeah.
Cheers, Jamie.
Bye.
Ct I wanna get high But I really can't take the pain ct (BIRDS SING) Mel.
- Mel.
- Hmm? - Can you hear that? - What time is it? - 20 past.
Can you hear that? - What? The bird song.
It's so beautiful.
Hm, isn't it? Incredible to think I might not have been alive to hear that.
If that lamp had landed a couple of feet closer I wouldn't be here talking to you.
Rick, please! I'm glad you're alive, now be quiet.
Sorry, I Just saying Oh, sorry.
I was up really late with Sam.
Oh, it's a shame, isn't it? I'm so fond of Ben.
Let's hope so.
If there's one thing thisbrush with death, I suppose we should call it, has taught me, it's that life is too short and you shouldn't waste a single minute.
20 past six?! I could have slept for another hour! I could have been dead.
What is it with English spelling? You guys don't know how to spell properly.
Theatre.
T-R-E.
Pathetic! I keep asking myself, "Why me? Why was I spared?" Good question.
It's like I'm seeing everything for the first time.
Trees Rick, enough.
- The way they sway in the wind.
- It's like sitting here with Gandhi.
The thing is, Marty, you've never had a near-death experience.
I'm having one now.
If it had happened to you, you don't know how you would have reacted.
Oh, yes, I do.
I'd sue their asses, and so should you.
(CHUCKLES) - What for? - Trauma, sudden weight gain and anything else my lawyer could think of.
Marty, when will you learn to let go? Yes, they probably do deserve to be sued.
The director was a troubled man But I'm alive, that's all that matters.
Move on.
Embrace the good karma.
Already, positive things are happening to me.
Would you like tea or coffee, Magda? Tea or coffee? Would like tea.
- You have it black, don't you? - Yes.
- Thank you.
- That's a nice top, is it new? Yes, I get with money from car-boot sell.
"Sale".
Good for you.
Funny old thing, life.
Yep.
This is the day I wasn't meant to see.
Ah, yes, you have accident at work.
Oh, not just "accident".
I stared death in the face and lived to tell all the tale.
- One time, when I was 1 ct - It's funny, I remember once seeing a documentary about a group of plane-crash survivors.
And I always remember one of them saying he could only really talk about it with other survivors.
I didn't understand it at the time, butI do now.
I think that's why I find it so hard to open up and talk about it with you and Marty.
It's something I'll only ever be able to share with other survivors.
One time, when I was 1 ct, soldiers surround village and come into house and make my family and me stand all together and they are pointing guns and nobody must speak.
The leader is in house and I think he is going to say, "Shoot them.
" But he says, "You go, run now!" And we ran into woods and hide for two weeks.
Yeah, that's a bit different.
This thing actually did drop that close to me.
It's not exactly filling, though, is it? - No, I like salad.
- How's the food? - It's delicious.
- Now, I wanted to show you something.
What's that? New menu? No, no, no.
It's Bryony's idea.
Oh, yeah, how's all that going, the counselling? Well, to be honest, for the last few sessions, I've got a bit stuck.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
So Bryony suggested I should try channeling my feelings through painting.
- Why not? - That's a great idea.
Sort of art therapy.
I can see how that would work.
- It's a question of letting go.
- Exactly.
Letting your subconscious flow onto the paper.
- May I see? - Absolutely.
- Wow! That's really good.
- Thanks! - What's it called? - Father.
- OK.
- Ah, it's about your father.
That's fascinating.
No, it's not about him, it is him.
- Right.
- It's a portrait.
I think that's really good.
Yes, Bryony said it was very powerful.
She said maybe for the next one I should try relaxing my style a little.
- D'you think so? - I don't know.
She's probably right.
Yes, I don't mind admitting I'm rather pleased with the results.
Never knew I had it in me.
Who knows? A whole new career may lie ahead! Why not? Go for it.
- Well, thanks, Rick.
I appreciate it.
- Hey, you're welcome.
Wasn't that great? I like it when we hate each other.
That's how it works.
If you're happy all the time, how are you gonna be funny? All right, well, from now on, maybe you write the gags and I'll just stand up and say them.
So, no change there, then.
See, that's where you're supposed to come back at me.
That would just be childish.
Oh, my God! - (DOOR OPENS) - Hi, Sam.
- Hi.
- Hi, Sam.
Are you OK? Yeah, did I leave a book in here? Which book? It's got like, um, pictures of bands in it.
- I'll help you look for it.
- Thank you.
Hey, sorry to hear about you and Ben.
- Oh, cheers.
Oh, yeah, it's Ben's book.
- Oh, right.
- So, what happened? - Oh, you know how we had the band? - Yeah, you guys were good.
- Yeah, well it all went a bit pear-shaped and we had this big row.
- Is this it? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Cheers, thanks.
- May I? - Yeah, sure.
- Ah, nice book! - Do you still get to see it on weekends? - (LAUGHS) Yeah, something like that.
- Take it to the zoo.
- Buy it an ice cream! - Tell it it's not its fault.
- Ha-ha! Funny line! - Thank you.
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
She's a sharp kid.
Witty.
She gets more like Mel every day.
Rick! - Hm? - I just insulted you.
Mm-hm.
Michael was in good form today.
- Was he? - Yeah.
You did really well putting him in touch with Bryony.
She's got him into this art therapy.
Did a painting of his father.
It wasit was quite like him.
- Was it? - Yeah.
Are you OK? What's up? You know all that stuff I gave Magda for the car-boot sale? Yeah.
Well, I gave her a shoebox full of postcards and God knows what.
Just junk.
And I think well, in fact I know, that your grandfather's medals were in there.
What? They were in an envelope, I suddenly remembered, - I put them there ages ago.
- So Magda's sold them? It wasn't her fault.
She had no idea.
Someone just came and bought the whole box.
So they're gone? I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I looked everywhere, just in case, but Oh, God.
I don't know what to say.
Ah, well Sorry? Come here.
Did you think I'd be cross? Working? Oh, yeah.
Hi.
Sorry, I won't disturb you.
Mmm! Ah, wonderful thing, water.
- Yeah.
- Would you like some? Oh no, I'm good.
I've got athing.
Actually, I'm glad you're here.
I was hoping we could have a little chat.
- Oh, yeah? - I haven't had - a chance to say how sorry I am.
- Why, what've you done? No, about you and Ben.
- Oh, no, it's fine.
- You're being very brave.
- Not really.
- Marty was making light of it earlier.
He means well but he can be a bit insensitive.
I don't mind.
It was funny, it was a joke.
Yeah? OK.
The thing is, this wholenear-death business has taught me to appreciate what life has to offer - rather than what it has missing.
- Good.
What I mean is, you have to look for the positive in a situation, like the one you're in, you know, with Ben.
I know.
I do.
I'm fine.
I mean, the heartache does go.
- Dad, shut up! - Well, you need to hear this.
No, not really.
I don't need to hear it, because I'm fine and I'm getting on with some work and everything's OK and if it wasn't OK I'd talk to Mum about it.
Good.
That's That's good.
Have you ever thought about painting your feelings? Ct It's a new dawn, it's a new day ct It's a new life for me ct and I'm feellin' good ct Fish in the sea, you know how I feel ct River runnÃn' free, you know how I feel ct Blossom in the tree, you know how I feel ct It's a new dawn, it's a new day ct It's a new life for me ct and I'm feeling good ct - MARTY: What are you doing? - It's a ladybird.
(CHUCKLES) How long is this going to on for? It's making me tense.
Would you like a pastry? Rick, please! Do you want to know - what happened to me this morning? - No.
I woke up early.
It was a beautiful morning, I thought I'd go for a walk.
I saw these pastries in the window of Angela's and I thought, "Marty would like those.
" Can we switch to another story, one which has a point? Whoa, whoa, whoa! I come home, I turn the oven on, in case you wanted one of them warmed up.
Holy crap! And I notice that my mobile was flashing.
It was a message from Jamie, the director of the Quick Claim advert.
- The one you should have sued.
- Ah, well, now that is my point.
Jamie has gone on to his next job, which is an eight-part comedy drama for BBC1 , cactctgct all about Eddie, and he has offered me a part in it.
And that is what I call karma.
But it's not really karma.
It's more luck.
No, because I could have sued, but instead I let it go and now this has happened.
Good! You were right, I was wrong.
Well done and thanks for the pastries.
You don't want to know - which part I'll be playing? - What? In nll about Eddie? The part I'll be playing.
Oh, yeahwhat part are you playing? Eddie.
I'm Eddie, I'm playing Eddie in all about Eddie.
Seriously? - You're like the Eddie in the title? - Yeah, that's me.
- And there's only one Eddie in it? - Yes, there's only one Eddie.
Why would there be two people called Eddie in the show? That would be confusing and stupid.
And there is only one Eddie? No, well, I thought there would be, I just wanted toyou know Well, I look forward to getting the script.
- (DOOR OPENS) - Thanks, Jamie, cheers.
Bye.
Ah! Hi, Magda.
- Hello.
- Funny, that.
Just heard I got the lead role in a major BBC series.
What's this? It's money left from car-boot sell, - because I'm sorry about medals.
- Don't worry, Mel told me about it.
- They were in a box - It's OK, it's not your fault.
- I would like you to have.
- It's a nice gesture, but really it's not about the money, it's more the sentimental value.
Perhaps I can find man who bought at car-boot sell.
I wouldn't worry, it'll be on eBay by now.
Just someone's lucky day.
Oh, well, thank you for being so kind about it, I was worried you were going to be angry.
Well, I could be, but really, what's the point? I suppose I'm a bit like that man you were telling me about.
Man? You know? In the war, when you thought you were gonna be shot? And then the leader man turned up and said, "Go, run, hide.
" I'm a bit like him.
Isn't it fantastic? It's an eight-part comedy drama all about me! It's gonna be massive.
- It's wonderful news.
- I know.
Although I'm only gonna do three series max, then walk away.
I don't want people to think I am Eddie.
I'm really happy for you.
There are so many other roles out there.
I've always fancied - having a crack at Doctor Who - (WHISPERS) Rick I think perhaps we should order.
Oh, yes! Um I'll have the sashimi, please.
With a side order of snow peas.
Yeah, and I'll have the fish cakes, please.
Of course.
So, congratulations! It's nice to have some good news.
Oh, what, the medals? Oh, don't worry about that.
Like I said, don't sweat the small stuff.
Actually, I meant Sam.
- Oh, she's fine, I had a word with her.
- Yeah, she said.
The main thing is, she'll get over it, she'll meet someone else.
These things usually turn out for the best.
- Let's hope so.
- Look at me, I could have been killed, and now, instead of being dead, this has happened! Jamie's sending the script over tomorrow.
He's the director, he's a great bloke.
(DOOR CLOSES) Ah, EddieMarty.
Look what arrived this morning, ctllct6out fctctcte.
- Look at that, that's just episode one.
- So, you read it yet? I was reading it when you came in, it's fantastic.
Eddie's a great character.
Very complex, drives a Porsche.
- 911? - 911 GTct RS.
Now you're making me jealous.
No, don't be.
Come and visit me on set, take it for a spin.
Actually, no.
Probably better maybe not cos of the insurance Don't worry about me, I'll just watch it from home.
- Oh, hi, Ben.
- All right.
I don't think Sam's in, so I know, I just came to get my stuff.
- Well, like I said - Cheers.
Do you want to come in anyway wait for her? Yeah, I must admit, it did come as a bit of a surprise.
- Yeah.
- Still, there you go.
- Sometimes these things happen.
- Yeah.
Anyway, it's an eight-part comedy drama called All About Eddie.
Right, right.
So what's it about? Well, it's all about Eddie.
And I'm playing Eddie.
Ah, cool.
Yeah.
And like I say, it all came about because of this near-death thing The lamp.
Yeah.
So anyway, what have you been up to, apart from looking round record shops? Anything else? It's just been a bit dead, really.
Oh, I went to see Spikey, he's in hospital.
Oh, what's the matter with him? He got hold of some diazepam.
- Did he? - His step-mum's a mental nurse.
- Oh, I see.
- Sent him a bit weird.
Had it with one of them wine boxes.
Stupid, really.
What, he had a whole wine box? - You know the ones with the little taps? - I know what they are Anyway, he ended up in hospital.
Oh, dear.
Bad luck, Spikey.
- It's his own fault, really.
- I suppose so, yeah.
- (DOOR OPENS) - Hi, Dad? Oh, hi, Sam Do you know, has Ben called? oh - Hi.
- All right.
Erhave you seen Spikey? Yeah, yeah.
He's all right.
Good, good.
- Might go see him.
- Anyway, shall I? No, it's all right your stuff's out here.
Ah, thanks.
- Found that book.
- Cool, coolall right.
Well, er, I'm gonna - RICK: It's on in October.
- Yeah.
I thought Sam seemed a bit happier today.
- Rick, have you read this script? - Great, isn't it? You haven't read it, have you? Well, I read the first couple of pages, then Marty distracted me.
See I drive a Porsche? - Yes, into a lorry.
- How do you mean? You crash into a lorry and die.
Don't spoil the ending, I haven't read it yet.
It's not the ending, this is on page three.
So the rest is just flashbacks leading to No, you die in page three and then you're not in it again.
- No, no - Look.
She mentions me there.
Julie mentions me.
And again there, see? Yes, because you're dead.
I doubt very much I'm dead.
God, read page three.
Look - "Eddie hangs from the car window, dead, his neck at a hideous angle.
" But I can't be, cos it's all about Eddie.
It's all about Eddie's friends and how they come to terms with the fact that Eddie's dead.
RICK: Look Well This is just the first episode Oh, fantastic.
That is a relief.
No, cos I was reading episode one and thinking, "Hang on a second, is he definitely dead?" No, that's great for my schedule.
So, I'm just in the first episode, hmm? Good.
And what, a day's filming? If that, exactly.
Phew.
That's great, thanks.
Thanks, Jamie.
Cheers.
Good morning, I just want to say thank you again for being so kind about car-boot sell.
It's "sale", Magda.
Car-boot sale.
How many bloody times do I have to tell you? Oh, dear.
(LAUGHS) Hilarious! Yeah.
(THEY LAUGH) Sorry, Rick.
Marty's just been filling me in.
Killed oct on page three - that is priceless.
Yeah, isn't it? Can I have a steak sandwich and chips? Yeah, sorry.
- What a massive disappointment.
- Not really, no.
Anyway, RickI know you're a fan of my art.
I wondered - if I could show you my latest? - Maybe later - I'd like to see it.
- Yes, great.
I'll go and get it.
- What happened to Gandhi? - Can you just drop it? OK, right.
I hope you're ready for this.
Bryony says it's my best work yet.
Ho-ho! OK, so what's this one called - Mothered No.
No it's Rick.
That's me? Yes.
What do you think? What do I think?! About the portrait.
Want to buy it? Actually, it's not for sale, cos Bryony says I need to keep them so that I can work through the - No, go on, what do you think? - You really don't want to know.
- Yes, I do.
- Oh, Michael, I'm really not in the mood for this.
What's the matter cat got your tongue'? OK, you wanna know what I think? I don't like it.
It's nothing like meor anyone.
Yes, well, you have missed the point - it's expressionist.
- (LAUGHS) Yes.
- Well, expressionist or not, that is one of the worst drawings I've ever seen.
It's rubbish.
If you think you're gonna be an artist, then you are completely deluded.
- Rick, this isn't rctectfactor.
- No, he needs to hear this.
That is pathetic! I wouldn't rate it if you told me it had been done by a two-year-old chimp! And you know what, Michael? If I'm honest, I don't think this Bryony person is doing you any good with her stupid art therapy and psychobabble.
Fine.
That's your truth - and I respect it.
- Yeah, I know.
I was just hoping you'd like it, that's all.
Well, I didn't.
Good.
- I'll get your steak sandwich.
- Please.
(DOOR BANGS LOUDLY) - I still can't believe you did it.
- I've said sorry.
- What else do you want me to say? - It's just such a stupid thing to do! And you've never done anything stupid? Yeah, I trusted you with my medals.
I was gonna get them framed.
You've been saying that for years! Anyway, why are you bringing all this up again? It's only just sunk in, the enormity of it! Oh, come oct it! Anyone would think he got the George Cross.
He was only a bloody air-raid warden.
How dare you belittle the role of the ARP? I'm not belittling it, just pointing out that they were service medals for being an air-raid warden, and, strictly speaking, one of them was a badge.
It took a lot of courage for my grandfather to do what he did, - riding around on his bicycle - Yes, on his bicycle Yes! Getting people to turn their lights oct, bombs raining down all around him, the terror, confusion Please! He lived in a village in Somerset - he never even heard a bomb.
Your mum told me that.
Well, it shows what a good job he did.
- (LAUGHS) - Don't laugh.
Lighten up! Go and listen to some bloody birdsong.
- Because that's how you spell it.
- Only if you're illiterate.
- It's the American spelling.
- I rest my case.
There's a U in it.
Look, after the O.
See, the one shaped like a doughnut? See, this is more like it.
- What? - The old Rick is back.
It's so much better when nothing's working out for you.
No, that's where you're wrong.
You know my medals? Your grandfather's medals.
- I'm getting them back.
- No kidding.
Yeah, I found them on eBay.
- You're sure they're the same ones? - I'd recognise them anywhere.
Anyway, there was the corner of the shoebox in the photo.
There you go.
How much? - 70 quid.
- Whoo! Well, 71 in the end.
I got into a bidding war with some idiot.
They didn't know who they were up against.
This is family history - you can't put a price on that.
Apparently you can - f71 .
Still, worth every penny when I think what my granddad went through, you know, in the Blitz I mean, this is before you lot joined in.
Oh, no.
Not this again, please.
Bombs raining down all around him, terror, confusion It's a bit like when that lamp fell on me.
It's exactly like that.
- You get back to that director guy yet? - Jamie? Yeah, I've said I'll do it.
I might as well.
I don't want to let him down.
Besides, if it's a hit, there might be a prequel.
Nll about Eddie - only this time with Eddie in it.
Or I could come back as a ghost.
Maybe you're not really dead - you wake up in the '70s and drive around in a Cortina.
Hey, Magda.
Hello.
Oh, Magda.
I was just saying, I managed to track down those medals you lost.
They were on eBay.
Cost me f71, but What's wrong with you? I found them also on eBay.
I tried to buy for you! I am putting $5 and then other person is putting £10 and then I am putting f11 and other person is putting f20 I know what happened I know what happened! - Why did you keep bidding? - Because you keep bidding! Well, thanks a lot, Magda.
That's 71 quid you've cost me! No, 6ct.
What? I give you £8 before.
- That hardly counts.
- It's from car-boot sell.
That's for borrowing my car to go there in.
You would not lend me your car.
Of course I did.
Didn't you go in my car? Ct I wanna get high But I really can't take the pain ct Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane ct WOMEN ONLY.
Why don't you face the truth? Eddie was a tedious little man.
It's high time we admitted it This show's really gone downhill.
And that's just the second episode.
Ct Now you're gonna be in summertime ct