Legends of Chamberlain Heights (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Inspired by Isis

1 [funky hip-hop music] [yawns] Yo, why you look so tired, my dude? Stayed up late watching "New Jack City.
" That joint got fire-ass quotables.
[as Wesley Snipes] Sit your $5-ass down before I make change.
"Never liked you anyway, pretty motherfucker.
" [laughter] Bro, Wesley Snipes the GOAT "White Men Can't Jump," "Passenger 57," "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.
" Man, how you gonna name that "Wong Foo" shit and not drop "Jungle Fever?" Y'all don't know shit.
Yeah, "Jungle Fever" was my shit.
[as Snipes] Mama, I smoked the TV.
[laughs] Now pay attention to the goddamn game! Damn Milk, I didn't know "Jungle Fever" meant so much to you.
Yeah, we enjoy watching Snipes take down Beckys as much as anybody.
No need to get testy with Wesley.
My bad, y'all.
I'm tripping.
Uncle Joey got my shit twisted.
What'd you do now, Milk? He on some Ole "send me away" 'cause my YouTube show about to blow shit.
You got a YouTube show? What's it called? [whooshing] "Got You, Motherfucka!" [humming] [air dryer blows] [coughing] You put baby powder in my blow dryer? Nah, I put blow in your blow dryer.
What? [laughs] Got you, motherfucka.
[gibbering] [thud] [fantastical whoosh] Milton, get down here; we're gonna be late for synagogue.
[squish] The hell? Is this honey? Why would Milton! [mower revving] Got you, motherfucka.
[sputtered screaming] [bees buzzing] [fantastical whoosh] Get out the car, you cracker-ass cracker, - and leave the shit running.
- Please, don't hurt me.
Knew you was a mark-ass bitch, caa! Milton! [tires squealing] [crash] - G-G-Got you, moth - That's it, Milton! You're out! [whooshing] So that square Uncle Joey booted me, signed me up for the student exchange program.
Oh, for real? Foreign breezies love Americans.
Where he sending you? France, Japan, Swedish? - Man, [blows raspberry] Ubombastan.
- Damn, Milk.
Well, I'm finna just pour out a little something for you now.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you better learn how to throw rocks 'cause you dead, motherfucka! 1x04 - "Inspired by Isis" [classical music] [yawns] Up late watching more Snipes films? Not exactly; C-SPAN broadcast a debate concerning the contradictions of the Second Amendment.
I couldn't turn away.
How ironic that 150 years after his assassination, the Party of Lincoln is in favor of allowing guns in theaters.
My sentiments exactly.
I ain't gonna lie, this shit is weird without Milk here reinforcing negative stereotypes.
You ain't never lied.
Look at me.
I'm eating kale.
There's no way that wigger would let me eat kale.
[two slaps] Both: Ow! Oh, shit, white boy's missing.
Oh, well! - Black-on-black crime! - Both: Ow! Damn, homey, we need to find a Milk replacement quick.
[Arabian music] - Where you going, homey? - Uh, to the bathroom? That's all you better be doing.
That goes for all y'all.
I swear if I hear any one of you sand marks hollering gibberish, I'll jihad the shit out of your ass.
- See about me.
- You, shut up, sit down.
Who said that? Stand your bitch-ass up.
Aw, man, I didn't know one time was on this shit.
[hip-hop music] [rapping quickly] Thank you, Marshall.
He got some potential.
Working parents, two cars, a house.
So you know the credit score is strong.
We might need to put a phone in his name one day.
A couple of red flags, though.
He has three siblings, so disposable income might be limited.
And looking at his mom's Facebook page, - her titties is average, at best.
- 'Tis true.
Next! - State your name, please.
- I'm Brad Deekenmouf.
Thanks for the great opportunity, guys.
[both snickering] Say your last name again.
Deekenmouf.
[laughter] One more time, please.
Slower.
Deek-en-mouf.
It's German.
Okay, Deekenmouf, as you know, we're looking for a token white guy to kick it with us.
What do you bring to the table that we might not see here? Well, I'm on the student council, so I have access to hall passes, the teachers' lounge, and Half-Day Fridays.
What brand of macaroni would I find in your cupboards? We don't have a cupboard; we have a walk-in pantry.
[whispers] I thought those only existed in movies.
And to answer your question, Velveeta.
You got the job, homey.
[Arabian music] [muffled talking] Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent into Ubombastan in a few short moments.
[beep] Thank you for flying Air Persian, where we're just as happy to land safely as you are, ha-ha.
[funky hip-hop music] Damn, my nigs, these Thotty Pippens out here looking staler than dollar store bread.
I'll still eat, though.
[laughter] Maybe the new exchange student will help mix it up.
- Is it a girl? - She sure is.
I was picked by the principal to chaperone her, but why don't we chaperone her together? - It could be fun.
- Decent idea, my nig.
Thanks, my nigs.
Ow! You doing good, Deekenmouf, but don't take it there, my dude.
[tires screech] # My burka make you want to jerk-a # My burka Make you want to jerk-a - Damn.
- [neck cracks] Ah.
Oh, she think she cute, huh? All together: Mm-hmm.
Hi, I'm Brad Deekenmouf.
[both snicker] These are my friends, Grover and Jamal.
We're your chaperones.
Am pleased to meet you.
I am Isis.
Oh, that's a pretty name and a sexy body, Isis.
Bet you "be heading" dudes back home.
[laughter] When you need somebody to show you what's good at Duncan, ask for the sexy booty captain of the hoop squad, uhme.
I believe someone already has that job.
Nah, baby, you don't get it.
I'm the king ding-a-lang around here, all right? You want to be seen with me, not [clears throat] Be right there, bae.
Come on, Isis, let's get you checked in.
[sexy music] - Mm, mm-mm.
- Damn.
Let me holler at you for a second, Grover.
I know you're gonna try to hit that, right? I'll probably invade her Gaza Strip, if she play her cards right.
I'd do anything to see that body bucket-naked.
Let's make a deal: get me a naked picture of Isis before the next game, and I'll pull a couple of groins and let you take my spot for one game.
But if you trick it off, you have to wear a burka on the bench.
Bet? - You're on.
- Good shit.
Game's in two days.
Looking forward to that picture.
I know it's gonna be "the bomb.
" [laughs] Man, fuck y'all.
Man, what's up with you and that fish, some buddy-buddy type shit? He gonna try to get a picture of that new girl naked.
I'll forward it to the coach, tell him where it came from, and boom! That's the end of the shit crew.
Oh! You a cold-blooded genius, Randy, on some "black-ass Stephen Hawking" type shit.
I don't know what he wanted, but I do know that you can't trust his mark ass.
He wants me to get a naked pic of Isis.
So we gonna get the pic, put it on Randy's phone, and make sure Cindy see it.
Next thing you know, she's calling me for comfort.
And guess what? Here I come, here I come.
Both: Here I kitty-come-come.
Watch me whip.
Watch me nae nae, fellas.
[slaps] This nigga.
[Arabian music] [tape rips] [groans] Let's see what kind of third-world shithole they got your boy in.
I know it's gonna smell like hummus and poverty.
[engine revving] [trap music] You are the one they call "Milk?" - Depends on who asking.
- I am Isil.
They exchanged you for my sister, Isis.
I am your host for your stay in Ubombastan.
- Milk? - Yeah, what's up? Do you like to turn up? [Arabian music chimes] [funky hip-hop music] [laughter] She's straight messing up the vibe around here.
It's our jobs to look cute and get flirted with.
I mean, who does she think she is coming over here, taking our jobs? All I know is my Instagram likes is down 33% since this bitch showed up, and it's only been a day.
Ugh.
I-K-R.
Isis got to go.
- All together: Mm-hmm.
- She gots to go.
Her outfit is kind of cute, though.
All together: Mm-hmm.
Mm, now that you mention it, girl, I would wear that.
Y'all want to go join Isis? All together: Mm-hmm.
Isis, hey, girl! [bell rings] [wand warbling] Good day at school? Everyone was very kind, thank you.
Good, this is just a routine check.
It's random, so don't be offended.
- Everything is fine, Mr.
Uncle Joey.
- Well that's good to Hey, who told you about that name? My name is Dave! [engine revs] [laughter] I feel like she'd let me get in them cheeks with a little effort.
I'm just trying to find a way to connect so I can get this photo op.
All you got to do is bring her a bean pie and a "Final Call," rub her body down with some essential oils while listening to a Farrakhan mixtape, - and you in there, pimp.
- Different Islam, my nig.
Maybe you could learn about her culture.
It'll give you something to talk about with her.
Come on, let me show you.
Man, we just got off school, and you talking about learning stuff.
Not chilling, not chilling, learning stuff.
[funky hip-hop music] Oh.
- [chomps] Ledge.
- Yeah, I fucks with Deekenmouf.
Okay, guys, let's fill our heads with knowledge.
[gun cocks] [violent whack] [swords clanging] [Arabian music] [tires screeching] [gunfire] [orchestral movie music] Man, these dust busters is gangster-er than a mug, but I still don't know how to get Isis naked.
Does anybody else feel like blowing something up, or is it just me? [upbeat Arabian music] Milk, take my hand, and I will show you how we mehmooni in my home.
Okay then.
# Hey.
# [sexy music] All: Surprise! Jeah, I know y'all got the snaps on the petro, so let's give it up for my boy Milk.
[cheering] Jeah.
Yo, how you know Eiht was that dude for me? I did not know.
He is that dude for me, also.
[romantic Arabian music swells] [photos snapping] [hip-hop music] [water bubbling] [photos snapping] Kiss my black ass, America.
I ain't never coming back.
[all cheer] [photo snaps] [keys clack] Captain! A Jew-American with spiky hair is at an illegal mehmooni.
And he's dancing; he's drinking; and he's high-fiving.
Spiky hair? He's American and homosexual? He does not leave alive.
[dramatic music pounds] [funky hip-hop music] - Hey, Grover.
- Cindy? Nicca, whaaaat? Which one is Isis? Tick-tock tick-tock One day left if you want my spot [slap] Hey, man.
Ugh, what the hell are all these chickenheads wearing? Man, these chicks on some new and improved Original Recipe KFC type shit.
Over there, is that Isis? [sexy music] Yeah, that's her.
I recognize that ass from my dreams.
We should follow her.
You guys want to skip school? That's awesome.
I've always wanted to skip school.
Y'all are so cool.
Man, stop being a white-ass nig! I'm saying, though, that's why "Rugrats" is really about black genocide.
And man, don't even get me started on "Frozen.
" [slurps] What's up, little brody? You see a girl in a burka come through here? Burka, huh? Yeah, I got mixed feelings - about those.
- Malik On one hand, I can appreciate the chastity it promotes.
Our women could stand to be a little more modest.
- Ain't nobody got time for - But on the other hand, seeing that it's advocated by theocracies bent on controlling minds and souls with subjectively interpreted rhetoric from a book written thousands of years ago, - can't say I'm with that.
- All right, Malik, great.
Can you just tell me if you've seen her? - Why you looking for her? - He needs to get a nudie of her.
A what-ie of her? - Naked picture.
- Naked girl? Ew! Don't you know they got cooties, man? What's wrong with you, man? [stuttering] You know what, just do you, man.
She went that way.
Thanks, little guy.
High five.
[slurps] Right on.
[photo snapping] Aye, there she go.
- She skip school to go sight-seeing? - Looks like it.
[photo snapping] [Arabian music] Let's move.
Why would she go sight-seeing at Brazy Bideon's? [airplane engine roaring] [explosion] Damn, she boo-boo at that flight simulator.
[Arabian music flourishes] You guys, I'm not trying to insinuate anything, but first she goes to Brazy Bideon's, then to the arcade, and now Home Deport? What you saying, Deekenmouf? Well, I think based on what we've seen today, we might be dealing with a hobbyist.
[dramatic fanfare] [chuckles] That's the new Wu-Tang.
[funky hip-hop music] [keys clacking] Cindy, time for dinner! Praise the Lord, we having pot pie tonight.
Be right there, Daddy.
[spits] Lord Jesus in the sky.
Cindy Louise Scrilla, what is you wearing? Dad, don't be lame.
All the girls are wearing them.
- She look like a ghetto Ewok.
- All the girls? - All what girls? - The girls at school, Daddy.
A-doy.
She look like a Pac-Man ghost.
And you think it's okay after all the protesting and marches women have gone through for you to be able to wear shorts that show butt cheek and side meat without being harassed? If your mother Jesus bless the dead - could see you now.
- Ugh, you finished? Oh shalla-walla-walla-haka-shak! Girl, you know I'm upset when I start speaking in tongues.
I am not finished yet Jesus take the wheel.
Who has you dressing like a shower curtain, Cindy? Who? Tell me who.
[cries] Isis, Dad! I was inspired by Isis.
[sobbing] - She look like a Crown Royal bag.
- Give me my phone, boy.
[engine whirring] [mischievous music] [all grunting] Damn, Jamal, you fat.
She naked! [grunting] Hold steady, I said she naked.
Hey, you try to hold steady with Deekenmouf's ass in your mouth.
This is radical.
[all straining] [photo snaps] Ah.
[thuds] Grover? Come inside, please.
Your friends too.
[dialing] Two little Mandingo boys are breaking into a young girl's window.
Lucky bitch.
Got you, motherfucka.
[laughter] Wait, wait! Stop everything! MC Eiht, quiet down! My friend, care to explain what is on your father's head? My square-ass stepdad's yarmulke; he Jewish.
[guns cocking] - Jeah! - Hold up, was it something I said? Look, Milk, we like you very much.
You turn up nicely.
But how you answer next question is very important.
What tribe you claiming? Nah, homey, you got it twisted.
The dude who short-dicking my mom is Jewish.
I'm just step-Jew, but on the inside, I'm all nig.
Ow! [helicopter droning] [all gasp] [speaking Ubombastani] One time on the creep.
Eiht, Saudi 5,000, G, jeah.
Come with me if you want to live.
You are wondering what I am doing.
I am making special fireworks for U.
S.
A.
I am [dramatic fanfare] - a hobbyist.
- I knew it! That's cool and all, but fireworks ain't kosher in Chamberlain Heights.
I know this, but I want to do this to show my appreciation; I must.
It is my passion.
It will be beautiful.
Why was you butt-booty naked, though? The chemicals I work with, like sulfur, are very, uh, how you say, smell like shit.
Smell hard to get out of burka.
Firework is ready.
I will put burka on, and we will detonate it together at Citi City Hall with this remote control.
In Ubombastan, something like this would make us, uh, like you say, uh, legendary.
This is acceptable? [sexy music] We cannot have Isis influencing our children.
Today they'll be covering themselves in drapes, but tomorrow! Tomorrow they'll be Um, what else do we know about Isis? [all talking] [nails on chalkboard] [as Quint from "Jaws"] She's a Muslim.
Ah-shakawaka-lakka-lakka- flocka-flame! Oh, that's it.
Let's get the camel jockey and her weird religion out of here.
All: Yeah! She has to go.
I'm very upset about her religious choice.
[dramatic Arabian music] [sirens wailing] [gunfire] [engine revving] Milk, open the glove compartment.
Aw, hell yeah, girl! We finna wet some busters, n'ahimean? If we go out, we go out shooting, together.
Yo, you the most gangster-est bitch I ever met.
I think I love you.
Tell me again later, my nig.
[gunfire] [explosion] [all talking at once] Jesus is Lord; we're too late.
- Somersault! - Freeze! On the ground.
Hands where we can see them.
We are here on a suspected burglary.
And you may not believe this, but we are looking for a young black male.
I mean, y'all ain't got no more description than that? Probably, but that was more than enough for us.
You could be young.
I never can tell with your people.
No, it's not me! We are looking for a girl named Isis.
She's influencing our children! - To do what? - She, um to, uh, wear funky clothes, and, uh, she's also a Muslim.
A Muslim? Not on my watch.
[sniffs] Kennedy, I think I've got something.
- [sniffs] Oh! - That is fresh-smelling shit.
And this, a video on how to make fireworks.
And those, pictures of Citi City Hall.
Wait a second, you don't think that Yes! A Muslim hobbyist is going to shit on a firecracker and go get gay married.
This is exactly what President Trump warned us about.
Wait a damn minute, isn't it more of a realistic possibility that she's at Citi City Hall about to set off illegal fireworks? Sir, please calm down before I am forced to shoot you and falsify the report! Jeez Louise! He's telling you that Isis is at Citi City Hall about to set off fireworks! Ma'am, that's so crazy it might be true.
Thank you for your help.
And reverse somersault.
Ooh, shanna-manna-bum- stickity-bum-stickity-bum, we want offense.
[tires screeching] [engine roars] When you gonna come through Chamberlain Heights - and holler at a pimp? - Soon.
Isis has been planning a permanent move into America.
I will join her, and you can join me.
You mean a permanent move "to" America, right? Not "into" America.
The point is, I want us to be together forever.
I love you, Milk.
[romantic Arabian music] [gunshot] [helicopter droning] Got you, motherfucker! Damn, baby.
[gunfire] Y'all missed me, mark-ass dust busters.
Aye, subscribe to my channel, though.
- Ready? - A few words first.
This is the best day of my life, [music] you guys are my best friends, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for you.
No, scratch that, we are not friends.
You are my brothers, and sister.
Thanks a million.
Freeze, lady Muslim! [gun cocks] They made me do it! I'm a hostage! - This nigga.
- Muslim girl in the karate dress, walk towards us slowly, with your hands up! I do not mean any harm, please! - What would Snipes do? - No, Jamal.
- I'm doing it for Isis.
- You emotional right now, my nig.
- Don't do anything - Snipes! Hi-ya! - Oh ah! [Taser buzzing] - Jamal! Ah, I'm, oh okay.
- I'm sorry, Isis.
- You are a good guy, Grover.
Now go, go! Now! He's coming at us like a wild animal! [gibbering] [Taser buzzing] Put the device down, or we will shoot.
Real bullets this time.
[mumbling prayer] [dramatic music] [beeps] [gunshots] [firework launching] [epic music swells] [fireworks explode] Crowd: Ooh, ah.
Ooh.
It's beautiful, Isis.
It's beautiful.
[Arabian music swells] Take off my clothes.
Before I came to America, I read news of your police.
I expected this.
[dramatic music] Farewell and adieu to you, fair Persian lady Bye, Muslim.
I'm not dead, guy from "Jaws.
" [funky hip-hop music] Heard what happened with Isis, but a bet's a bet.
[laughter] By the way, it's called a niqab.
See you mus-lames on the bench.
Ha! "Mus-lames!" I kill me! Man, fuck y'all.
It's too bad you didn't get that picture, my nig.
- Says who? - Ooh.
Together: Legend.
[tires screech] - Milton, nice to have you home.
- Man, shut your bitch-ass up.
So like I was saying, "Jungle Fever" is the dopest Snipes joint, but "White Man Can't Jump" is right up there, though.
[as Snipes] It's pretty, it's so pretty.
Pound for pound, the best actor in the world.
Ain't no question, my dudes.
Snipes be like [karate sounds] [laughter] [funky hip-hop music] [hip-hop music] [rapping quickly]