Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Health

[ American accent ] Whoo-hoo! This is awesome! What a wicked party! [ Normal voice ] We're not at a party acting.
Got an audition.
How was my accent? It was good if it was supposed to be Australian.
Okay, but I look good, right? I look good.
I look like an actor now? I look like an actor? No.
No.
When you wash Billy, does he get aroused? Does he get aroused with you, Jim? No, no, no.
I'm just wondering 'cause I think I would.
[ Chuckles ] Somehow, I don't think so, Jim.
No, no.
That's where you're wrong, Ramona.
I think you're a very sexy woman.
I don't seem to fit with anyone but Billy.
I don't think so, Ramona.
No, I mean it.
I really mean it.
Ramona, look at me.
I believe that you're a really sexy woman.
Well, thanks, Jim.
I'm an awesome actor! [ American accent ] Whoo-hoo! I'm a wicked actor! "Don't mess with me, asshole!" "Don't mess with me Asshole.
" So, we have to parts going.
A Naked guy and a hot guy.
Here.
Naked guy.
- I just - Okay.
Hi Sean! Oh, it's so good to see you! - Oh my God.
You look so hot, Sean.
- Thanks.
Where are you working out these days? This is perfect for you I really hope you get it.
- Okay, great.
- Bye.
Good luck.
[ Chuckles ] - Hi.
- Oh, hey.
Hot guy, right? Of course.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Who is that? You a hot guy? [ Scoffs ] Yeah, me too.
- Heyey, Jim! - Thank you for having me.
I appreciate it.
- Do you have any questions? - American accent? - Can you do one? - Yeah! - All right.
- Okay.
Whenever you're ready.
[ American accent ] Whoo-hoo! This is awesome! What a wicked party! Can you do it again, Jim, and can you, maybe, do it like you're at a party and it's awesome and you're Just some more juice.
Whoohoo! This is awesome! What a wicked party! Can you take your shirt off for us? Um I'd rather I'd rather not.
Well, Jim - It's a naked guy at a party.
- But you want me to be naked? - Just the shirt.
- Stop talking.
Stop talking.
Just take your shirt off.
- Okay, thank you.
- Can I have another go? - I think I know what you want now.
- No, you know what? That was perfect.
Thank you, Jim.
- Okay Jim, let's get you out of here.
- Thank you.
Can you believe - Can I just can I just put my shirt on? - Yeah, please.
I mean, did you see the belly on him? I've been saying all along that the naked guy should be buff.
Well, I don't call in YouTube actors.
Acting is a craft.
- You just can't get up there and tell - I'm sick of you people! You're elitists! Actors are nothing, all right? They're the lowest level of the entertainment ladder.
The bottom rung! Everyone else in the entertainment industry is more talented than actors.
Jugglers are more talented.
At least they have to catch things.
Ventriloquists.
I've heard people describe actors as, "oh, what an amazing actor.
" Could cry on cue.
" I've never met a woman who couldn't cry on cue! Junkies are amazing actors.
Those people I always give 'em 50 bucks eventually, if I just spend enough time with 'em.
They're very convincing.
Tatum O'Neal was 10 years old.
Anna Paquin was 11 years old.
Both won Oscars.
Now, think of your job right now.
Is there a 10- or 11-year-old who's better than you at your job? If the answer's "yes," then your occupation's shit.
The only way you can be deformed as an actor is if you were already famous.
The fact that they still had Christopher Reeve wheeling out on the stage, just in his chair.
And everyone giving him a standing ovation, which, might I add, I think is insensitive.
[ American accent ] Whoo-hoo! This is awesome! What a wicked party! You that was perfect.
Can you do that exactly like you just did it, one more time? Piss off, mate.
- That was perfect! - So good.
Was it a monologue? Yeah, it that was That was awesome! Why'd you do it? Look I I didn't do anything.
I did a good audition.
It takes years to build a career and one second to crash it.
Believe me, I know.
I've done it a thousand times.
It's just that I don't seem to fit in anywhere, you know? I'm not, like, a handsome guy, but I'm not like a fat, schlubby guy, either.
I'm just a normal guy normal bloke in the middle.
I don't fit in.
But I don't seem to have a look.
You know, you have your whole - thing going on.
- "My whole thing"? [ As Andy Dick ] I'm Andy Dick.
Look at me, I'm Andy Dick.
[ Normal voice ] Th-that's, uh, your thing.
It's very good.
Can I hear what you did in the room? [ American accent ] Whoo-hoo! This is awesome! What a wicked party! That's terrible.
[ Normal voice ] I of course, I was standing when I did it, and I used my I really Gusto.
What accent was that? - American accent.
- There's no no.
There's no such thing as an [southern accent] American accent.
It was a general American [ Normal voice ] Here's you doing an American accent.
[ As Jim Jeffries ] Hi, I'm Jim Jeffries doing an American accent.
My American accent's better than your American accent.
- I don't have an American accent! I'm an American! - You do! You have an [ As Andy Dick ] American ac your whole voice sounds extreme.
That's not how I sound.
[ Deep voice ] Tank daaaaad.
- What the hell is that? - Tank daaaaaad.
"Tank Dad" was one of my best.
[ As Andy Dick ] I'm Andy Dick.
Oh, my God.
[ As Jim Jeffries ] I'm Jim Jeffries, straight from Australia, trying to do an American accent.
[ Normal voice ] Look, you need range.
Can you commit to being fat? I'm gonna say no to being fat.
I wouldn't like to be fat.
Well, you're not doing a real good job at being thin, are ya? I think you should go fat.
A lot of roles that go unfulfilled over the years.
- You know why? - Why? 'Cause all the good fat actors are dead.
Belushi dead.
Farley - Dead? - Yes.
Do you think Jonah hill is funny? I didn't know he died.
Did Jonah hill die? He didn't die, but he's not fat.
Ah.
We're gonna get you into my acting class.
- I'm gonna give you a 10% discount - Huh? And I'll get you my trainer my trainer.
Trainers of the stars.
You know what, Jim? Lose a few lb's, come to my acting class, and we'll polish this turd Or at least roll it in some glitter.
[ Chuckles ] The "turd" thing is still bothering me.
You shouldn't have Called me a turd Rolled in glitter.
Ughh! Ugh! Maybe one of these days, one of you two will get in shape.
One day, that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna just get in shape when I'm Yeah, yeah, that's when I'm gonna do it.
Hand me that joint.
And I am a real woman.
I don't need to be one of these popsicle girls.
True that.
Underneath all that pile of excessive weight, there's a fine-looking woman in there, Ramona.
Oh, well, thank you, Jim.
Ooh-ooh, I feel the burn.
Ooh.
Jim, you should probably give it up, 'cause you're never gonna look like that.
And, Ramona, you definitely should give it up before somebody calls an ambulance.
You're harshing our buzz.
You really are, Billy.
[ As Ramona ] Ooh, feel that burn.
[ Normal voice ] Screw you both.
Pass me that joint.
[ Snores ] Oh, my God.
I knew it.
Get up, Jim! Oh, that's frightening.
Come on.
You can eat this or get thin and be a movie star, huh? - Out of bed.
- No! - You gotta want it.
- I don't want it! Oh, you will when you see the results.
Show him the results.
No, take it off.
- All the way? - Yeah, take it off.
Look at that.
5, 6, 7 that's an 8-pack, Jim.
8-pack.
What is this, a 1-pack? A 1-pack.
Okay, you gotta want it.
I have a very dramatic audition this afternoon.
I gotta go.
- Hey, baby.
8-pack, Jim! - Hey.
You gotta want it! 8-pack! Ramona? - Yeah, Jim? - What are you doing? Bringin' towels to your room.
- Why? - You need towels, Jim.
[ Exhales deeply ] Come on.
Come on.
You gotta want it.
You gotta want it! I really don't want it.
- You will! - No, I don't want it.
I promise you will! I'm that dude I'm so me, you so you Party's hot when I come through Is it me or is it you? I'm so fly, I'm so cool I'm so not the same as you It's all good, don't get mad just 'cause I am 'Cause I'm the man, yeah - [ Panting ] - Don't stop, don't stop.
Come on, you're almost there.
You're almost there! - Let's just get a beer.
- Absolutely not.
We're getting a beer.
Okay.
Anyway, the sex was so good, I lost my watch.
[ Laughs ] All right, let's get out of here.
I just live over there.
Come on! Eddie! Eddie.
We gotta pick this up later, okay? I don't get it, Jim.
I'm built like this and I can never get a girl, let alone two.
No way, Jim.
I'm not doin' it.
Do what? If you want to meet girls, Billy's your man.
Him? Don't piss him off! He may be the greatest wingman on Earth.
You start out by giving a compliment.
Nothing too big.
Keep it small.
And don't say too much.
That's when you notice The flaw.
[ Deep voice ] The flaw.
Start out with something like, uh, her mismatched earlobes or her impossibly, impossibly tiny thumbs.
I-I still don't understand.
Hmm.
[ As Yoda ] Ready he is not, this one.
[ Normal voice ] Do you want it? I'll try.
Hey, Jim, give him the speech.
Maybe then he can find something within himself.
When I was 19, I'd take my 3-year-old nephew, Max, down to the shopping center.
We'd go out there and look out for 17-year-old girls.
I'd get Max to run as fast as he could into the pack of 17-year-old girls.
As he hit one and landed on his ass, I would rush over and go, "Max, Max, what are you doing? Why did you run into these girls?" He would look up at me with these big eyes and say, "I'm sorry, Uncle Jim.
"I love you.
" And I'd say, "I love you too, Max.
" Then I'd put the little bastard on the bus and make him get home by himself and then I'd bang the girls.
I hate kids! I'm in! Watch this.
He's the best.
[ Chair screeches ] Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't always control my wheelchair.
- I'm handicapped.
- Women: Aww! You're so cute! Thanks! I've been working out.
[ Women laughing ] Okay, I'm going in.
- You're really pretty.
- Thank you! - You all are really pretty.
- We're tall.
Hey, he got away from me.
- He hasn't been bothering you, has he? - No.
Can I get you anything? No, I'm good.
Thanks, Jim.
Love you, man.
Women: Awwww! Billy, you know that embarrasses me.
I - love you too.
You guys are so great.
We're best friends.
Hey, what's up with your toes? They're, like, crazy small.
[ Women giggle ] They are small toes.
It's all right.
You could be caught by her and her massive thumbs! Say what they want about the make-a-wish foundation, they can work to a deadline.
I know! [ Laughs ] [ All laugh ] You've gotta stop, seriously.
- Come and sit with us.
- No, I'm all good.
Come and have a drink with the girls just one drink.
I don't drink.
None of that means anything if you're not getting laid.
Look! [ Women giggling ] All right! Suit yourself.
Wait.
Wait wait one second.
What if I just have one beer? Let's go, girls.
So much fun.
Bye, Billy! Bye.
We're gonna have to disinfect this house.
I spent the last 10 years of my life getting ripped, and all I had to do was tell them that they had mismatched earlobes? By the time, though, you're taking your top off, you've already sewn the deal up.
Anyway, you don't want a great body.
That means they might come back.
Come on! Come on! Keep going! Keep going! Deep breath! Deep breath! - Okay, all right.
Okay.
- [ Coughs ] That's a good attempt.
I gotta get to acting class.
All right, Billy, you're taking over.
All right.
So, Eddie, what do you do with silence? Talk? No, dude.
You let it sit.
Jesus, Jim! Why do you bring me these lost causes? I'm sorry.
- Hey, Ramona.
- Hey, Eddie.
[ Giggles ] Okay, but I expect Yes, sensei.
How 'bout that Jim? He really knows how to nail the bitches, am I right? I've got some laundry to go fold.
Hey, Eddie, you suck! Andy, I've been studying.
Good.
Keep it up.
- These people love you.
- Can I talk to you, please, sir? Maria, please, I am with a new student right now.
Can you see? Say hi to Jim.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We're not gonna talk during class, but good job.
You're having sex with that? We're gonna have a little cream, too.
Bottom-feeding, Jim.
We all do it.
- Anyhow I think you're set for now.
- Bottom-feeding.
Hey, Jim.
Hey, Dick.
I read "number one".
- It is brilliant.
- Thank you! That's Rodney.
- One of my advanced students.
- Rodney's advanced.
We're going to start with animals, but we do have some new students one, in particular.
Say hi to Jim.
- All: Hey, Jim.
- Hi, Jim.
Hi, hello.
So we're doing this for Jim.
What animal are you thinking of? - The soaring eagle.
- Yes! And, Jim, what are you thinking? I-I just don't understand why we're even doing this.
This doesn't We're doing this because you need to learn to trust.
Trust me.
I just come for the chicks! Our newest student wants to work on accents, okay, because he thinks it's it's, uh It's a useful tool to have.
[ Chicago accent ] Chicago, everybody.
All: [ Chicago accent ] - Chicago.
- Chicago.
- Chicago.
- Chicago.
[ Normal voice ] Hop around.
If anybody knows what a kangaroo does, it would be you, Jim.
And what's this? It's that's my pouch.
There's my giraffe.
A long neck reaching for the leaves.
What a nice, long neck.
Jim, where are you? Look at this.
Jim? I can't even tell whether they're real giraffes or not.
- [ Chicago accent ] Chicago.
- Chicago.
- Chicago.
- Chicago.
We're all moths now.
Get in there, Jim.
Take this seriously or you're gonna get kicked out.
I want you to yell out your deepest, darkest fear.
Being alone! Letting people see my true self! People only seeing me for my looks! People not seeing me for who I really am! Aids! Together: [ With accent ] Chicago.
Chicago.
You sound like you're from Philadelphia - I just - You're my little Philly cheesesteak sandwich.
Isn't he cute? [ All chanting ] Jim, feel it here, Jim.
Feel it here.
- I'm rolling you out.
I'm a rolling pin - [ Laughs ] Rolling you out into delicious, flaky pastries.
- Look at me.
- Look at me.
- It's a mirror.
- It's a mirror.
- Mimic me.
- Mimic me.
Together: Mimic me.
South side of Chicago.
South side of Chicago.
Zap! Ooh! Good job.
Zap! Zap! Screw this.
Jim, I swear to Christ.
Okay, this has gotta stop.
I gotta lose weight, all right? I paid for 10 sessions! Yeah, we used them all up.
No, no, we've only done two.
- One of them, you were drunk! - Mmhmm.
- You've been here for weeks.
- Mmhmm.
- Who the hell is this? - This is Eddie.
I'm his personal trainer.
Trainer for what, competitive eating? How long has this fat sack of shit been sitting on our couch? Three weeks, and he's been eating all your food.
Why is it, every time I go to a meeting out of town, some other dickhead moves in the house?! He's also been sleeping in your bed.
Nice.
Tonight's my audition.
Wish me luck.
Hey, Eddie.
[ Coughing ] Hi, Ramona.
How's those toes? [ Laughs ] Ramona, I-I find you very attractive.
- Very, very attractive - Toes.
except for those toes.
[ Laughs ] Um, I wondered if, maybe, you'd go out with me.
- Yeah.
- Really? [ Laughs ] Yes.
Wait, I have to tell you something.
I didn't always look like this.
Well, I used to weigh 300 pounds.
Eddie, I would date you no matter how much you weighed.
But does my weight bother you? Are you serious? I think you're the most beautiful woman I've I've ever seen.
No, really I'm into B.
B.
W.
- It's, like, my thing.
- Stop! Yeah, dude, stop it.
- Andy.
- Dylan.
- Andy! - Come on.
Hey! Jim.
What the hell did you do to Eddie? He's fat, right? Yeah! I fired him as my trainer.
- And I fired him as my sponsor.
- He was your sponsor? He's my sponsor and he's drinking.
- I didn't know he was an alcoholic.
- The guy has 17 years sober.
- I feel awful.
- I have 90 days sober.
- Now I have nobody and I'm like this.
- 90 days? Congratulations, Andy.
That's really good 90 days.
And if anybody asks, it's a year, okay? - What are you doing here? - I got an audition online.
What? Let me see that.
"These doughnuts are great.
I love sprinkles.
" Yeah.
- The schlubby guy.
- Schlubby guy.
"These doughnuts are great.
I like sprinkles.
" Good luck with that, Jim.
I've got meetings with executives pitching an overall deal.
I'm not wasting my life eating doughnuts like you and my ex-trainer.
Good luck, Jim! Thanks! Heyhey, Jimbo! Hey, thanks for coming back.
I really appreciate it.
No, thank you for having me again.
Welcome back.
- It's great to see you.
- I'm sorry about last time.
I really am.
- No! - Don't sweat it at all! Andy called, everything's good, we're fine.
You listen to Andy? Oh, Andy's back and he's hot.
I just signed on to do "Tank Dad 2.
" - Hey, you have the thing there? - Oh, yeah! Uh, we have some new sides for you, some revisions.
Yeah, listen, um, I gotta tell you, you inspired me, Jimmy, okay? - So just take a look at this.
- Okay.
It's, uh you know what? Just relax, be yourself, take your time.
Whenever you're ready, okay? - American accent? - Oh, hell no.
No.
I want 100% Jim Jeffries.
Take your time.
Whenever you're ready.
"I mean, come on! Tatum O'Neal won the Oscar at 10! I mean, come on, tatum O'Neal won the Oscar at 10.
What type of occupation is acting?" - Wait a sec.
- No, hang on, hang on, listen.
I want you to try it again, and this time can you do it more like, uh like yourself? Can you be that crazy, angry, funny, wacky, kooky Jim that I like so much? Okay.
- Let's get the Jim juice.
- I can do it like me.
I wrote this line! This is a line that I wrote! Well, I-it's loosely based on your your monologue.
- "Loosely"? - Yeah.
- On my monologue? - With major revisions.
Yeah, we've worked on it.
Thanks for coming in.
- All right.
- Come on, Jim.
- Thank you.
- Let's get you out of here.
- See you soon.
- Thanks a bunch.
I'm calling his agent.
Call Andy Dick! I will call Andy Dick.
Aaaah! Aah! Aah! Ah! Ah! Ah! They're in my goddamn room, Jim! On my goddamn bed! [ Laughing ] Your room's closest to the fridge.
Hey, Steve [Chuckles] Sorry about the sheets.
I-I'll wash them.
Yeah, Ramona made the sheets dirty.
Oh, shut up! All right, just get out of here.
- I'll see you later.
- All right, baby.
[ Chuckling ] Nice bed.
We'll see you guys later.
And, Ramona I'll call you later.
Come here, baby.
I love you [ Grunting, moaning ] - No.
- Yeah.
- Please stop.
- Yeah, let your love grow.
Yeah.
Oh, she's touching it.
Eww.
My little vanilla muffin! - My chocolate pudding.
- Oh, right now.
Billy, put your oxygen back on.
I really need it.
- What the hell, Jim? - Chin up, Steve.
As it turns out, there's someone out there for everyone Maybe Eddie's right.
You have to apply yourself.
To get ahead in this world, you just gotta apply yourself.
Whoo-hoo! This is awesome! We're at a wicked party! He did that line great.
I love that guy.
He's so underrated.
American treasure.
This is awesome!