Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bag Lady

- I totally sucked.
- You didn't suck.
I'm sick and tired of hearing that you sucked, okay? You had a bad gig.
- Everybody has a bad gig.
- It was shit.
You always think it's shit.
It was shit, but for me, it was one of your better gigs, all right? - Yeah.
Did you record it? - You guys are assholes.
Who is that girl? You've been staring at that girl all night.
Who is she? Oh, that's Jenny Brookheimer.
How do I know that name Jenny Brookheimer? She's the morning girl on "Hey, L.
!" - The slutty one? - No, the hot one.
Even better.
I love her.
Holy shit, she's coming over here.
[Cellphone ringing] Oh, Peggy.
She's great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the gig was great.
You know, we're just, um, hanging out a bit longer.
You know, I'm just out here with Brad and Laughlin.
You know Brad.
He's the dwarf.
Laughlin good-looking guy.
All right, I'll see you later, brother.
I just wanted to come over and say you guys were great.
Wow, thanks.
Feel like they were a little tough on you.
- Yeah, he was shit, wasn't he? - Shut up! And you you were great.
Thank you.
The whole bit you did on getting married.
That's a good bit.
I-I wrote that bit.
Yeah, it's a good bit.
You know what? I am gonna buy you a drink.
No, no, no, no, no.
I-I'll buy you a drink.
No, not my style.
No, hot girls don't buy guys drinks.
- Oh, I do.
- Really? Yeah.
[Chuckles] All right.
Uh, well, I can't really drink at the moment, so I'll just have a diet coke.
What do you mean? You don't drink? - Can't.
- Why not? I've got a medical condition where I can't really drink.
Which one? The medical term is, uh, shitting blood.
- Yeah.
- Nasty.
- Sounds like my act.
- No shit.
Shut up.
They did some tests on me and, uh, turned out I had an enlarged liver, which you think would be handy, you know, handle more alcohol than that of a small liver, but it turns out that's not the truth at all.
Yeah, I mean, how do you even tell if your liver is larger than normal? Well, uh, it was hanging out of my asshole, Jenny.
I'm gonna steal that.
- It's better than anything else you did.
- Okay, so no drinks for you then.
- No.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
No? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
You only die once.
[Laughs] - Yes.
- Right? Cheers.
Oh! Like a regular-sized glass.
Dun-dun, da! [Laughs] Hey, why are you looking at him? I'm a bucket list.
Here we go.
- More drinks.
- I would like another.
[Laughs] [Shouts] - I love you guys.
- I love you.
[Slurring] The champion.
[Grunts] [Laughs] He wasn't the best.
I sucked tonight.
Nobody cares! I care.
Do you have a girlfriend? No.
No, I don't have a girlfriend per se.
I have friends that are girls that I have sex with.
[Chuckles] What about you? - [Slurring] It's complicated.
- [Slurring] It's complicated? [Laughs] - Your life's complicated? - I-it's complicated.
I would've taken you for someone with a girlfriend.
I can't believe that you don't have one.
[Chuckles] [Clears throat] Why don't we just get out of here? [Both laughing] Oh, shit! [Camera shutters clicking] [Chuckles] - Jenny Brookheimer! - Shut up! [Laughs] - Help you get in? - After you.
I think my career's really picking up, you know.
[Clicking continues] [Snoring] [Mumbles] Oh, my God! [Whimpers] Oh, my God, what have I done? [Indistinct talking] - Just just relax.
- Oh! - Oh! - Agh! Oh! Steve, it's Jenny Brookheimer! - We are such big fans! - Yeah, we love you! - We watch you every morning! - Yeah! We do.
- God, you're so much prettier in person.
- Oh, so much hotter in real life.
You are so much hotter in real life! You're not slutty like that other girl at all.
- What's her name? - Brittany.
Yeah, I love Brittany, but I love you more.
Guys, say hello to Jenny.
- "Hey, L.
!" - "Hey, L.
!" - I'm just gonna shut this and let you guys, um - Both: Oh.
We have to finish what we started.
- All right, we'll be right out.
- Sounds good.
Don't leave! Don't leave! Sorry about my roommates.
Oh, gay.
"Hey, L.
!" There we go.
Oh, I'm being told that one of our one of our teammates isn't gonna make it today.
- Apparently, Jenny's called in sick.
- Does she have the flu again? The flu? You think? Sh-sh-shit! Hey, hey, I need to get out of here.
You need to, uh, give me a ride.
Give your number.
Uh, I don't know my number.
- Who doesn't know their own number? - Uh, I don't ever call it.
- Who calls their own number? - Yeah.
Look, I'll tell you what I'll do for you.
Hey, here's my number.
[Cellphone pings] - I've got your number.
- Great.
Um, Jeff - Jim.
- Right.
You know, I'm just gonna be honest with you.
I'm married.
- That's what you meant by complicated.
- It is complicated.
We're not not really, a-and, look, my husband's up for re-election.
- Re-election?! - [Sighs] Who said anything about a re - Whew, there are a lot of photographers outside.
I wonder what's going on.
Ooh! Ooh, I watch you on TV in the morning! Hey, can you tell me, is Mitch levin a really nice guy? 'Cause he seems like a really nice guy, but you can't tell if somebody's a really nice guy by just watching him on the TV, except for Al roker 'cause God broke the mold when he made that man.
[Laughs] I'm sorry did you say that there are cameras outside? Yeah, girl.
See? Shshshit! Shut the curtain! Please shut the curtain! Okay.
[Cellphone ringing] Oh, God.
[Ringing continues] Hello.
No, um, no, I-I-I'm not at work.
I'm, um, I'm actually feeling really sick.
I think it's, like, the flu or food poisoning.
No, I just I didn't want to bother you while you were out there stumping.
So, um, you know what? Can I just give you a call back? I'm I'm really not feeling great.
Love you, too.
Sh-sh-shit! Oh, your relationship has a shitload of problems.
Sounds like it's on the skids, really.
[Chuckles] He's stumping, Ramona.
I don't even know what stumping is.
Know what I think? You're gonna have to go out there and face the music yourself.
Uh, I can't because my husband is running for congress.
You should've told me you were married.
Yeah, I don't pay attention, so checkmate on that.
Hey, aren't you the one that's, uh, married to that conservative politician - that's running for re-election? - Steve, leave her alone.
Her life's very complicated.
Wait, what about Peggy? Oh, who's Peggy? Peggy's Jim's girlfriend.
- You have a girlfriend?! - You're married! [Cellphone pings] Look! All right Peggy! Come on, here we go.
Oh, perfect.
Daddy! Uncle Jim! Uncle Billy! Hey.
All right.
- Hey, Todd.
- Hey, Todd.
- Todd's here.
- Yeah, yeah, Todd's here.
He is not your Uncle Jim.
Really, Steve? A bong? What, are you 17? You can go, Georgia.
And why are there photographers all over the front yard? Because Jim has really dug himself in this time.
Oh, my God, I know you.
You're married to the politician.
Good, Jim.
Yeah, and she's on "Hey, L.
!" "Hey, L.
!"? - Nice.
- Shut up, Todd.
- What? - What? Don't fist-pump him.
That's ridiculous.
I hope that we have some popcorn because this is gonna be good.
Steve, every time I bring Emily over here, it's a freak show.
Why are you climbing up my ass?! I don't know anything about it! I just woke up, and there she is! Oh, and she's so much prettier in real life.
Oh, Todd, you got to see her naked.
- Yeah, I know.
I'd like to.
- It's outrageous.
- She's so hot on the show.
- Todd, please! Stop talking! - This is ridiculous! - I'm not saying anything.
Stop talking about her being naked, please.
Everyone, calm down.
Okay, it's fine, all right? I just need a minute just to think.
I'll come up with something.
Uncle Billy, can we play hide-and-seek? Yes, you go hide, and I'll find you.
Hey, Emily, don't touch anything, sweetheart.
I've got it.
Everyone wait here.
Why can't she touch? It's my house.
- She can touch whatever she wants.
- Your wife is a bitch! - Get in the bag.
- Sweet! - God, I hate bringing you here.
Steve! - What?! I didn't do anything! It's the only way out.
You're gonna have to get in the bag.
- I'm not getting in the bag.
- You'll fit.
It's a good-size bag.
I believe you can fit in this bag.
All we got to do is, right, I'll put you in the bag, zip the bag up.
Steve will wheel you past the paparazzi easy.
Yeah, I could do that.
I I can't do that.
- I'll do it.
I'm - No, you won't, Todd! - Why not? - I'll do it, okay? It's fine! Great, then what are we gonna do once you roll me past? Oh, I'll put you in the trunk of my truck, and then I'll drive around the corner, and then I'll put you in the front seat, and I'll drive you home.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That'll definitely work.
Trust me, you can fit two girls in the trunk of a car.
Oh, my God, what happens to you here?! - I think.
- Well, stop it! - Can I grab a beer, Jim? - Of course.
Anything for you, Todd.
- You're my hero.
- Oh, my God, shut up! - All right, this is the only way.
- I'll hide in the trunk.
I love this game! Out of the bag! I don't want her in the bag.
I don't - We're gonna take you and mail you off to England.
I don't want her in the bag! All right, you're out of the bag! What are you doing in the bag? - What type of idiot sits in a bag all day? - Steve.
Get out of here! This is really a great influence on our daughter, Steve.
Why don't you climb out of my ass, Georgia?! What about Toddonis and his idea to put two women in the back of a car?! Hey, that's my beer, dickhead! Nobody bats an eyelash at anything he does or says.
Todd's harmless.
It's Todd.
If anyone has a better idea, I'd like to hear it.
When Jim's right, he's right.
And there's nothing you can do about it, honey.
- You got to get in the bag.
- Yeah, you got to get in the bag.
Get in the bag.
Oh, sh-sh-shit! - All right! - Oh, sweet! [Sighs] You're never drinking again.
- Zip it, Uncle Jim.
- Steve, a little help.
Steve! [Bag zips] Hey, you alright? Here's your phone, you can play Angry Brids.
- Oh gee, thanks.
- Alright.
[Grunts] [Cellphone ringing] Oh.
I-I got to get dressed.
Hey, there's four more of these guys out back, too.
Hi, Steve.
Um, it's Peggy.
Sorry to bug you, um, but Jim was supposed to come by last night, and he didn't make it, so I just wanted I wanted to make sure he was all right.
Um, I'm kind of worried, so just can you just call me back whenever you get this? Okay, thanks.
- Oh! - [Laughs] - Jim Jefferies? - Yeah.
Yeah, I think you guys have got the wrong place.
[Camera shutters clicking] Did you take home Jenny Brookheimer last night? - I don't know a Jenny Brookheimer.
- Can she breathe in there? - Good questionon.
- Yeah, she can breathe.
[Sighs] You know she's married to a congressman, right? II didn't know that, no.
Who is gonna help him? No.
All right, fine.
I'll do it.
You can't do that.
[Clicking continues] [Sighing] All right, fine.
Here, feed your Uncle Billy.
I've got to get to work, all right? I'm actually getting out of the country.
Hey, what the hell are y'all doing out here, and what did you just say to my husband? He was with me all night! So, this is your wife? Yeah.
Yeah, that's my wife.
What, you don't wear a wedding ring? Who knows if someone's wearing a wedding ring? You lost the damn ring again?! - Honey, it's probably just inside.
- I'm gonna go and get it for you.
No, no, no, I-I got to get going.
I got to get going, but I'm gonna I'm gonna miss you, so - All right, boo.
Hey, wait a minute, honey.
[Smooching] Got to kiss the wife.
- Mwah! - Yeah.
I love you, baby.
You take care.
I'm gonna take that camera, and I'm gonna ram it up your ass if you keep poking it at me.
You! Take another picture, it's gonna be me and you! Put that down! Get out of the front of my house! I got you.
Get out of here, y'all! I can't take this! [Grunts] [Coughs] Follow that guy.
[Engine turns over] Look, I'm really sorry, all right, but I can't drop you off around the corner.
What?! No, y-you have to let me out of here! I can't, I can't! The guys on the motorcycles are following me right now! Don't worry about it! I'm gonna try and lose them! Come on, I can't breathe in here! Jesus Christ, they're right next to me! Look, don't worry about it, Jenny! Little breaths! Little breaths! Little, short breaths! You're gonna be fine! [Cellphone ringing] - Steve Nugent.
- Steve, you got to help me.
They're chasing me.
I-I can't get her out of the trunk.
What do you want me to do about it? Well, you know anyone with a garage? - What's a garage? - Garage! Come on, we do this every weekend! The place where you put your car! - No, I don't know anyone.
- Come on, you must know someone.
- Ben? Who's Ben? - Yeah, Ben, the repeater from work.
- Yes.
Uh, text me his number.
- You got it.
- We're getting Ben! - Who's Ben?! Ben's the repeater from work! Don't worry about it! [Ringtone playing] - Hello? - Hello, Ben.
It's Jim.
Jim? I don't know a Jim.
- Jim Jefferies.
- Oh, Jim Jefferies.
Ben, I, uh, I have a little bit of a problem I need your help with.
You've got a problem? We should hang out.
Why would we hang out because I've got a problem? - Oh, sure, yeah, yeah, w-we'll hang out.
- You promise? - Okay, I promise.
- Promise? Ben, stop repeating yourself.
- I-I've got a woman in a bag.
- Woman in a bag? Okay, well, it's more of a suitcase, really.
- Suitcase? Really? - Ben, it doesn't matter.
Look, I have a woman in a suitcase, a-and I need your help.
- I have a shovel.
- You have a shovel? Why would you go straight to no, no, t-the woman, she's still breathing.
Oh, got it.
You need rope.
- I got rope.
- What? No! No rope! No rope! No shovels! No rope, no shovel, no chain saw, no bag of lime.
Look geez, these things sound horribly effective.
They're remarkably effective.
Ben, the woman in the bag is still very much alive.
Why are you repeating yourself? Okay, Ben, here's what I need from you, right? - Have you got a garage? - Garage! G-garage the place where you put your car.
Oh, garage.
Here's what I need from you, Ben.
I need you to text me your address.
- Text me your address.
- Open your garage door.
Open your gara garage door.
Wait for me out front till I get there.
- Wait till you get there.
- I'm on my way.
Oh, shit! Hold on, Ben.
I-I'm just being pulled over by the cops.
Just wait there right now for me.
Are we stopped? - Hey, get out of here! - Pulled out by the cops.
Happens all the time.
Just relax.
Oh, my God.
[Motorcycle engines revving] Hang on a sec, will you, Ben? Don't tell them about the girl in the suitcase.
License and registration, sir.
There you go.
You have any idea why I pulled you over today, Mr.
, uh, Jefferies? I have no no idea, officer.
Is there there a problem? It is illegal in the state of California to talk on your cellphone while you're driving.
And I think it's illegal to have a woman in a suitcase.
All right, Ben, yeah, yeah, I can't I can't be talking on the phone at the moment, mate.
I'm in my car, so, uh, just stay there, hang on, and don't move.
- I'm on my way.
- He's on his way.
Can't talk on your phone in this country, eh? Not while you're behind the wheel of a motor vehicle.
Geez, you can talk on your phone in Australia.
That where you're from Australia? Yes, sir, officer.
That's where I'm from Australia.
Australia born and bred.
So why is this car registered in your name? That is a good question.
Very good question.
Um, I come here quite often.
I have a friend who lives here who's disabled and poor.
He's poor and disabled.
It's a double negative, that.
And, uh, I bought him this car as a gift.
He probably didn't transfer it over 'cause he's too Preoccupied with being disabled and poor.
You gave your disabled friend this challenger? Well, he is challenged.
[Paper rips] Stay here.
I got to call this in.
Okay, you, uh, you won't see me doing anything like that again, officer.
I can promise you that.
You can rest assured of that.
Is he gone? I got to pee.
Oh, shit.
Step out of the vehicle with your hands where I can see them! Yep.
Okay, there is a reasonable explanation for all of this, officer.
Lay flat on the ground with your hands flat on the pavement! Okay, okay.
Somebody in there?! Yes.
All right, I'm gonna need you to open the trunk of that car right now! There you go.
Now, you are gonna find a girl in there.
That I can tell you, but when you see who it is [Laughs] oh, it's a funny story.
You're gonna laugh.
You're gonna enjoy this.
Shit! Are you okay, ma'am?! Yes.
Yes, yes.
I'm fine.
Have you been held in the trunk of this vehicle against your will? Not exactly.
Well, then why exactly are you in a suitcase in the trunk of this car, ma'am? I slept with her! So - There you have it.
- You sure you're all right? [Chuckles] I was just in there on my own free will.
Own free will.
And you have not been drugged, a-a-and you're not under any duress, ma'am? Nope, not been drugged, not under any duress.
Holy shit, you're Jenny Brookheimer from "Hey, L.
!" "Hey, L.
!" Yes.
Yes, I am.
Do you know who my husband is? Yes, ma'am, I do.
I respect him and his conservative, godly principles, ma'am.
He's a, uh, well, he's a bit of a hero to me.
Well, then as you can imagine, this is a very awkward situation.
I mean, the paparazzi were chasing us.
If there is any way that you just might be able to let this one slide, I'd really appreciate it.
- You slept with him? - Big mistake.
- Aw, that's hurtful.
- It was a sin, officer.
I mean, do you really want my marriage to be ruined or ruin my husband's chances of changing government? I'm a God-fearing man, sir.
Very God-fearing.
You can, uh, get up off the ground now.
[Groans] Thank you.
Ohh! Oh! Think I pulled my back out doing that.
It's uncomfortable laying in that same position all the time.
Do not even talk to me about uncomfortable positions.
Probably insensitive.
She was in the trunk, so Okay, I'm gonna let you go because I really like your show and your husband.
[Giggles] But I'd like to take down your number.
Oh, just to just to check up on you in an hour or so just to, you know, so I can just, you know, make sure that you're okay.
What a good, God-fearing man.
The funny thing is, I-I don't have my number.
I mean, who calls their own number? I got it off her.
Want it? Maybe you can be the next mistake.
So, here you go.
Thanks for thanks for your ringer.
Listen, it was, uh, it was just it was really, really nice meeting you.
So nice meeting you.
Thanks again, officer.
- Thank you.
- Appreciate it.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay.
I can't believe this.
- Jenny Brookheimer - "Hey, L.
!" was seen leaving witzend last night with what's reported to be a low-level trash comic named Jim Jefferies! Stop waving at the freakin' camera! So, she's married to a politician.
Aaaaaaaaah! - Maybe we can do it again sometime.
- Just pull over here.
So, uh, don't be a stranger.
Oh, oh.
Call me! She needs to be tested 'cause I think she's out there putting her hands where they shouldn't be, and I think she's touching dirty, filthy things all the time.
"Hey, L.
!" You won't believe the day I've had.
It was kind of exciting, I got to tell you.
We were I had her in the trunk.
We're driving around.
Buddy, the paparazzi are following us like we were princess Diana driving through the tunnels of Paris.
I reckon I got a good This is not even mine.
I thought you were dead! Hi.
I haven't slept the entire night! You're a dick! You're a dick and an asshole.
You really hurt me.
You suck! - Okay, Peggy - You suck! - Peggy! - What?! Look, I'm sorry! I-I didn't think you'd find out.
Well, guess what, Jim? I found out on afterbuzz.
Thank you.
That wasn't embarrassing.
I googled her, and she's a nightmare! And she has a husband who is a really, really good guy.
I don't like his politics, but he's crazy about her, and she just plays with his heart like it's a tiny ball.
Okay, and that's what I did to you, is it? The fact that you even have to ask me that is so amazing.
I'm out before you ruin my life.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for helping me pack.
Oh, that's not mine.
What else do you want? What else can you possibly take? - You can have that.
- Oh, thanks.
People's hearts are precious, Jim.
You can't just you make me feel bad for a right-wing dickhead! - Thank you, Jim! Thank you! - Hey! You've opened my eyes! - Less science, more God! - Okay, Peggy! - Shut up! - I-I get it! I'm in the wrong, all right?! Peggy! [Birds chirping] I've got a story about a seal and a puppy.
You're an asshole, Jim.
Peggy's really nice.
- She didn't deserve that.
- Don't be so sanctimonious, Billy.
You haven't called that girl without legs in months.
Yeah, that's true.
Look, it's a good thing, all right? Spend more time with you guys.
Uh, I don't have to worry about deleting the history off of my computer or worry about taking phone numbers and naked pictures off my phone.
This is good.
I can have sex with whoever I want.
You think if I bought her a whole lot of roses and filled up Peggy's apartment, she'd take me back? Huh, not a chance in hell.
I don't think so.
And your heart's still beating [Guitar music playing]