Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Cuckoo's Nest

Oh, yeah.
- Is that okay? - Oh, yeah.
- How's that? - Great.
You're doing great.
Which one is that one? Oh, that's walleye.
He keeps walking till he runs into something.
Then you have to turn him.
That's awesome.
Jim? You know, uh, you can wait outside if you want.
Nah, I'm good here, Billy.
Go to Starbucks, Jim.
I don'twantanything from Starbucks, unless Allie wants something from Starbucks.
Do you want something from Starbucks, Allie? No, thanks.
I'm kind of busy, in case you hadn't noticed.
There you go.
Jim, is it? Yeah Jim.
You feeling all stretched out? Yeah.
Thanks, Allie.
You're the best.
You look three inches taller, buddy.
Can I get a stretch-out next? Aw, I only help the disabled.
Aw, some guys get all the luck.
I wouldn't call them lucky.
Yeah, neither would I.
It was a joke.
We'll get you cleaned up and on your way.
I'm gonna get a fresh towel.
I can't wait.
Allie! Allie! Yeah, you're next, Rodney.
Rodney! We help each other out, don't we, buddy? Yes, we do, man.
Well, Rodney, I need your help.
I'd like to get to know Allie a little better.
Can you help me? No, Jim.
I like Allie.
But come on.
Help a guy out.
We're buddies.
I smell something.
Is it gum? Here you go.
Rodney, leave.
I can't believe you kept this to yourself, Billy.
This is very selfish of you.
I can't believe you're bribing Rodney with gum.
That's the only reason I bring gum.
Don't do this, Jim.
She's so hot.
Of course she's hot.
That's why all the guys like her.
There's no friendship when it comes to love and war.
And it will be war, Jim.
Don't wreck this for us.
Allie! I've got a question I want to ask you.
Mmhmm? I've got these 40 hours of community service that I have to fulfill at the moment.
Why don't you ask him how he got that community service? Allie, you look you look overrun, and I was thinking maybe I-I could help out around here.
No! No, absolutely not.
Billy, don't be rude.
Don't be rude, Billy.
Well, we have summer fun activities, so we need some extra help.
I guess we can try it for today and see how it goes.
Did you hear that, Billy? Summer fun activities that would be great, Allie.
When could I start? Well, we need teams, so, Billy, you can be the captain of one.
Can I be the other captain? II guess so.
It's on.
Oh, it's on.
Wait w-what's on? Me working here, Allie.
You won't regret this.
I hope not.
But you'll regret it, Jim.
You just stepped into a spinning propeller.
- I don't even know what that means.
- Oh, shut up.
All right, first competition is the egg-and-spoon race! Whoo! Winner gets an extra massage and extra pudding! - Yes! - All right.
Good prize.
Good prize.
Okay, Rodney, you're on team Jim, okay? Hold the spoon.
Hold the egg.
Run till it's done.
- Run till it's done! - All right, Freddy.
You got this, man.
- Make sure you go on "rabbit two.
" - Whoa, no, no, no, no, no.
"Rabbit"! No "rabbit.
" No "rabbit.
" "Rabbit's" too fast.
- Hey, that's not fair! He can't walk! - "Rabbit's" way too fast! - Allie, Jim's being a dick.
- That is fair.
"Rabbit" is way too fast.
Okay, on your marks Get set Go! Yeah, let's run, Rodney! Ohh! You dropped your egg! You've got to go back to the beginning! Right there! Right there! Come on, Freddy! Go, Freddy, go! Slow and steady wins the race! Come back! Come back! Slow and steady wins the race! Slow and steady wins the race! Slow and steady wins the race! Go, Rodney! Pinball! S-somebody grab pinball! - Go, Freddy! - Freddy! Watch out! Watch out, pinball! - Pinball? - Pinball! - Pinball, get out of there! - Hey, pinball! Watch out! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Wait that's not fair! This isn't fair! He had to stop, Allie.
Team Jim! Team Jim! In your face, Billy! In your face! I call interference! Sore loser.
Pinball is a natural obstacle around here.
We all know what he does.
What does he do? Basically, he bounces from wall to wall.
Great nickname.
So that's one for team Jim! Whoo! Boo! Good job, guys.
Good job, everyone.
Oh, shit, Jim.
I'm sorry.
Allie, Billy just dropped an egg on my foot.
Jim, he has a disability.
It's hard for him to carry an egg and spoon.
Yeah, Jim.
Thank you, Allie.
Hey, Allie? Can you boost me up in my chair a little bit? I slid down.
Of course, honey.
Is that better? Yeah, it's great.
Can you do it one more time, please? How's that? It's great.
Thank you.
Good? Nice one.
Hey, Jim.
We're watching you.
Let's go, boys.
No, the whale was still in the trunk.
You know what she is, Billy? Besides totally off-limits to you? No, she's like a hot porn star who cares.
That's very rare in the porn community.
Look, Jim.
These are my boys my posse.
When I lived here, I ran this place.
But don't just hear me when I tell you that Allie's off-limits.
I speak for everyone.
I see what you're doing.
Me too.
Getting everyone organized? Yeah, I got them in a big group, big group of disableds.
What do you call that? A herd? A flock? A gander? No a murder.
Jim, that is inappropriate.
Yes, it is.
Allie, that's who he is.
Aw, I mean, I'm sorry, Allie.
I was just making a joke.
- Apologize, Jim.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, Allie.
- Apologize to them.
- I'm sorry, guys.
- That's okay, Jim.
Thanks, Allie.
- That's much better.
- Ow! Jesus, Billy! Sorry, Jim.
Oh, sorry, Jim.
We are not too good at driving.
We are handicapped.
Next battle is team bingo battle! We'll be ready! Where's Rodney? Steve.
You've got to help me.
I've lost Rodney.
What?! We were having a race and he just kept running! Jesus, Jim! What the hell's he wearing? He was wearing uh, uh, um, a blue t-shirt that said "summer fun activities.
" It happened at the rehab place.
All right.
Uh, anything else? He may be holding an egg and a spoon.
All right.
Who's ready for bingo?! All right.
Here we go.
All right, first number we have here is I-16.
I believe that Allie was 16 when she lost her virginity, so Just get with your bingo-ing.
Next number b-4-5 before I was 5, I used to shit myself.
- So Well, you've got to love the laugh of this girl.
That's terrible.
I bet a lot of you guys wish you were deaf when she's around because she sounds awkward.
Love the laugh of this girl.
Bingo! Whoa! Whoa! Dale.
You can't have bingo.
Bingo! Bingo! No.
No! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! All right.
Just calm down! Everybody wins! Nobody wins! It's a tie.
Everybody wins! A tie.
No one wins! Bingo! They tied.
You have to have a line or all four corners! Good job! Go in.
You don't know how to play bingo! You think you've got a shot with her, don't you? But remember one thing.
What? When you least expect it, that'swhen you should expect it.
Expect what? The unexpected.
Oh, who's to say for sure what happened? Maybe it was just an accident.
One of those freak accidents that happens when no one's looking.
And what type of accident would that be? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
C-cough it up.
Cough it up.
Those are not for eating, sweetie.
She may just be the perfect woman, Billy.
Where's Rodney? Oh, Rodney was just sitting in the back.
He was playing before.
I think he must have just gone to the toilet.
It's no big deal.
Steve? I got nothing.
What makes you think he's here? He's headed that way! Excuse me.
All right.
But I'd never hurt an animal.
There it is! That's the laugh.
Stop doing that.
You sound like a sea lion.
I'll throw you a fish.
Hey, Dale.
You know what we need? Pudding.
Yes, yes.
But more important than pudding.
What is more important than pudding? A plan.
A plan to get more pudding? A plan to keep Jim from taking our woman.
Jim took your pudding.
Jim took all the pudding.
Go get him.
Yeah? Turn walleye.
Good man.
Jim took the pudding.
G'day, Dale.
Dale! Give me back my pudding! Hey.
Are you okay? It's on, bitch.
Just keep running.
Don't drop it.
Just running till it's done.
Don't Drop The egg.
Everybody, it's time for the "brain burst" challenge.
Yay! Whoo! I love "brain burst.
" What fruit has its seeds on the outside? - Strawberries.
- Grapefruit.
What Las Vegas casino game gives the best odds? Craps.
Slots! Craps.
How many seats are in the Batmobile? Two seats are in the Batmobile.
Popcorn? Yeah! Please.
Why not? Hey, uh, Jim? Yeah.
Care to make a wager? Wager on what? Me and my boys beat you at "brain burst," you lay off of Allie.
You and these guys are gonna beat me at "brain burst"? Yeah.
What do I get if you lose? We won't.
What is the national sport of Japan? Sumo wrestling! What is the motto of the boy scouts? Be prepared! Who shot president Ronald Reagan? Hinckley! Damn! What is the capital city of Wisconsin? Madison! Madison! Madison! What animal is the symbol of Thailand? Elephant! Going with elephant! Shit! What city in Belgium is known as the center for diamond sales? Antwerp.
Well, that is it for "brain burst.
" It's all tied up.
And team Billy wins.
Yay! Whoo! But I knew it was antwerp.
I did.
But you didn't say antwerp fast enough.
Hey, Jim? How does it feel to be beaten by a group of guys who can't wipe their own asses? I can wipe my own ass.
Me too.
Way to brag, Dale.
We got a deal? A bet's a bet.
So you're gonna lay off Allie? I'm gonna lay off Allie.
Where is my pudding? Where's my pudding? I ate all your puddings.
Jim didn't eat all the pudding.
Come on, boys.
Let's go get pudding.
Good game, guys.
We won! Whoo! Whoo! Victory pudding for everybody! Hey, you are good at "brain burst.
" I'm not as good as I thought I was, evidently.
Well, there's something you should know.
What? Every day we watch "brain burst.
" I get it, Allie.
They're very good at "brain burst.
" They watch a lot of "brain burst.
" Yeah, but sometimes, it's the same episode of "brain burst.
" It's the same episode? It's the same episode.
They knew all the answers.
That'show they know all the answers.
They like to win.
I like to give them a victory every now and then.
Give Billy a little victory? You're okay with that, aren't you? Hmm.
Poor sport? No.
Give them a little victory.
Let the little buggers win.
Do you want to go out with me? Nope.
Did you find Rodney? - Rodney yeah, Rodney was - Um, he had to do a number two.
I don't even want to know how you know all this.
He's just sitting there going "I think another one's in the chamber.
" You're disgusting.
Steve? Anything? I checked the whole boardwalk.
I'm gonna look in town.
What you've never seen a guy toss a sign before? No.
Well, check this out.
You try? Here.
Thank you.
That was great.
Where you going, Jim? You cheated, you little bastard.
You cheated.
Now all bets are off.
I should be hitting on your girlfriend right now.
Look, Jim.
If it was just between us, I'd say go for it.
What do I care? I don't live here anymore.
But she's a fantasy to them.
She's all they have.
Plus, they'll probably try to kill you.
Just calm down.
All I'm doing is going to the bathroom.
Where's our pudding?! Okay, that was weird.
Um, look.
I'm out of here.
You put your dick anywhere near our Allie, and I will hunt you down to the ends of the earth.
I will find you.
There won't be anyplace you can hide from me.
I will find you, and when I do, you will regret the day you ever met me.
What's what's he what's that? We saved Freddy for last, in case you wouldn't listen to reason.
Plus, as you heard, he has the scariest voice of all of us.
Sure as shit he does.
Plus, it took him hours to program that speech.
Way to go, Freddy! Way to go, Freddy! Go, Freddy.
Completely unnecessary.
Guys, it's fine.
- I'm just going to the bathroom.
- Remember, Jim, we are watching you.
Hey! You new around here? - Why are you carrying the egg? - I'm just running till it's done.
- Well, why the egg? - It's not done till it's over.
It's not over till it's done.
Holy shit, Louie.
That's deep.
Thank you.
Well, how about the egg? Place your bets walleye versus pinball for the championship.
Whoo! Whoo! Let's go, walleye! Betting on walleye.
Wait Jerry, those are bingo chips, not money.
No, they're quarters.
No, they're not quarters.
They're bingo chips.
No, they're quarters.
All right! Fine! They're quarters.
Go, go, go, go.
Come on, walleye! Make your bet.
Whoo! Whoo! Go! Go! The race is on! Come on! Come on! Whoo! Whoo! Come on! That's terrible! Oh, bark laugh back.
There it is.
The bark lady.
That's not funny! Yeah? You're laughing.
Look how much fun they're all having.
Whoo! Wait.
Where's where's Rodney? Yeah, Rodney uh, I've been meaning to um, I lost Rodney.
What?! When?! Damn it, Jim! It was just after the first race! He just kept running! And you didn't say anything? Well, it's okay.
It's okay.
Steve's looking for him.
I-it's Billy's brother.
Shit! We have to stop.
Has anyone seen Rodney? No.
Why? Jim lost him.
We tried to tell you he was a bad one.
Yes, we did.
Whoa! Hold, hold! Hold, hold, hold! Behold! The fragility of life! Would you look at this? A tiny little egg symbolizing the precious life that God has made in his wisdom, seen fit to give us.
God bless you, young man.
God ble aah! Well, I guess it's done.
Words of wisdom.
Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Who is in charge here?! I said, "who is in charge here?!" I am.
What on earth is going on? - That terrible man made us do it! - He put the numbers on us! - He put numbers on you? - And made us do this.
Yeah, and he and he made us gamble.
Gambling with our children?! He doesn't even work here! He's a criminal doing community service.
And he called us The "r" word.
- Well - And Rodney's gone! Missing?! Pinball wins! Yeah! Boo! Yeah! Boom! In your face, Billy! Sorry about your kids.
Yeah, l-let's go Talk this over.
Victory! Whoo! Whoo! Hey! I can't believe that people can be so irresponsible.
By the time my lawyer is through with you, you will be lucky to find a job making French fries.
And you you'll go to jail! Good.
That's right.
Right to jail.
I warned you you were messing with the wrong guys.
I-I know this looks bad.
Bad? They were having so much fun.
You were gamblingon handicapped people and you lost my son.
All right.
Everyone just stop, okay? All right? Rodney's gonna be fine.
My friend Steve's out looking for him right now, a-and don't be blaming Allie.
All right? She did nothing wrong.
She's great to these kids.
Uh, you know, there's an argument that maybe I'm even at fault.
Yeah, there is.
I blame you.
It's totally Jim's fault.
Okay, that seems unanimous.
Then then it's my fault.
But Allie she treats your family members with compassion and love, and what more, she means it.
You ask anyone here.
She's the best thing about this place.
She is.
We love her.
She is the best.
Look, I made mistakes.
Racing them was a mistake.
Putting numbers on them it really dehumanizes a person when you put a number on them and they don't know about it.
And, uh, I'm gonna say all the stuff in the pool I didn't know which ones could swim and which ones didn't.
I was a bit foolhardy when it came to that.
Look, Allie here was great.
She was just great.
She had this perfect day of activities for them and I came along and everything sort of went to hell and, uh, she really, really shouldn't lose her job.
Please don't fire Allie.
We love her.
If Allie goes, I go.
But somebody should put Jim's ass in jail.
Yes, definitely.
Do you know where my Rodney is? No, I don't right now.
I don't know where Rodney is, but Rodney is a lot more resourceful than you might think.
All these guys are! They you know, I came into this looking at it from a completely different angle, and I was proven wrong.
You've got to stop treating them like they're disabled! Well, obviously, you've got to treat them like they're disabled, 'cause there's certain needs, chairs, and crutches.
But you've got to stop treating them like kids! Because they're stronger and tougher than any of you think, a-and many of them outsmarted me today.
- Well - Hi, mama.
Oh! Rodney! I'm so glad to see you.
Good work, Steve.
Did we win? Yes, Rodney.
You won.
Yes! Mom, this is my best friend and partner, Jim.
Um, we're just friends.
I don't know why he said partner, but, um Pretty nice of you to take the bullet.
I'll, uh I'll go out with you.
Y-y-you'll you'll what? You'll what? I said I'll go out with you.
You'll go out with me? Shh.
Allie? Allie will go out with me? Geez, that's unexpected that Allie is going out with me.
Probably have sex on the third date.
Where is my pudding? Dale, Billy has your pudding.
Give me my pudding! I don't have your pudding! Give me my pudding! Jim was lying to you.
I don't have your pudding!