Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Death

So, Jim, how are you feeling? Dr.
Pinsky told me that you are having some issues? Dr.
Pinsky? Oh, that's Dr.
Drew's real name.
Why wouldn't he just call himself Dr.
Drew? Drew's short for Andrew.
Yeah, but Dr.
Pinsky's a good name.
Is Drew so snappy that he what? What he got an ego on him, does he? Does he like to be called after his first name? Does he think he's Madonna or Cher or some Do you want to spend the whole session talking about Dr.
Drew? There you go.
Even you call him Dr.
Drew.
He he says I'm, uh I'm depressed.
Are you? Well, my career is not where I want it to be, you know? Um, I've sort of plateaued.
Actually, no, let's be honest.
It has dropped.
I live with my two friends Billy and Steve.
Um Billy has muscular dystrophy.
And, uh, Steve he's drinking way too much.
So It's like I'm taking care of two disabled people.
Oh, while you're writing Dr.
Drew thinks I'm a sex addict 'Cause I wank on planes.
And he says that's wrong.
But I've never seen a sign that said not to.
Oh, the the little "No Smoking" sign that's always up there.
There's never been a "No Wanking" sign right next to it that bleeps on.
"Wanking you can't do it on the plane.
"We have detectors in the bathroom in case you do.
It's a federal offense.
" I you know, I don't see what the big problem is there.
It's not like I do it in my seat.
You know, Jim, while you're sorting through this rut, this funk of yours, I think it would be good for you to be of service to others, not just your roommates.
I think you'll find it very rewarding.
I don't know about this whole therapy thing.
They don't really do anything.
They give you no practical advice.
Everything's just, like, talking.
It's like, "How does that make you feel?" "Why would you do that?" "Please put that down.
" "Does that make you angry?" You know? Yeah, it makes me angry.
I'd rather just talk to you guys.
What's wrong with him? Danny.
Spazzy Danny? Yes, spazzy Danny.
What's up with spazzy Danny, besides muscular dystrophy? He can't play video games anymore.
Why can't he play video games anymore? - His thumbs.
- Thumbs? Yeah.
You know, the thumbs are usually the last thing to go.
Billy, when did your thumbs stop working? Stop it, Jim.
Billy's thumbs went years ago.
Billy used to go over there all the time and watch him play.
He was kind of like a coach to him.
Huh.
Well, I guess neither of them could play the Wii, so Steve, let's go.
- Jim, you're an asshole.
- You are.
Billy, I'm joking.
It was just a joke.
Where are you going? I'm going over there to try to cheer him up.
Maybe I'll go over there and cheer him up.
How are you gonna cheer him up? Welcome to the Shady Grove residential care comedy show.
I'm actually here to, uh, support my friend Danny here.
G'day, Danny.
Okay, so, there's two types of couples in the world, isn't there? There's the couples that have dogs, you know those annoying couples? They have a dog.
And then there's the other couples that have actual children.
So, the people that have dogs, they act like it's their child, but it's really not their child, is it, 'cause what happens if the girlfriend's away on work and the dog dies? What do you do? You go off and buy another dog that looks very similar to the original dog, and you try to pass it off as the same dog.
No, no, no.
Rodney, mate, that's, uh that's not the end of the joke.
Okay.
You sure? Pr yeah.
Yep.
Sure.
So, okay, so, you go off and buy a dog looks very similar to the original dog, try to pass it off as the same dog.
But what happens if your girlfriend's away on work and the baby dies? _ Hilarious! No, that's please, Rodney, n I get it! - No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
- That's not the end.
- Yes, it is.
Look.
When the joke ends, I'll make it very obvious, but don't laugh until I I'll point it out, okay? I'll give you a signal, and then laugh.
So I'll go like this, and then you laugh.
Not now! At the end of the joke.
So don't do it right now when I do that.
But I'll I'll be Some of his best stuff.
- He's shit! - All right, let's just wrap this up.
The dog's already dead.
They replaced the dog.
So what happens if your girlfriend goes away on work and the baby dies? Very hard to get a baby that looks exactly the same in the short period of time that you have.
All right, Danny's getting it.
Yeah.
Yeah, eas easier if they're black or Asian.
Hey! Hey, Danny, don't be racist.
I'm not saying 'cause they look the same.
I'm saying 'cause they're easier to purchase.
Crash cart to the rec room, stat.
Am I right? If if Angelina Jolie and Madonna has taught us anything, it's that you can buy black and Asian Children.
- Hey! Hey! Stop talking.
Oxygen.
Danny? Yeah, look, uh, I want to point out that - Shut up! - that's not a racist joke.
- It's more of a commentary on society.
- Breathe.
Danny, come on.
- Jim, stop it! - I'm not racist, so you know.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Take a breath.
Breathe.
Thank God Danny saved me.
I was dying.
Danny, breathe! Danny.
He's gone.
- I killed.
- Stop it.
Laughter is the best medicine.
You kill him! That was the last one last one in my original group.
There were six of us.
We all got diagnosed around the same time, shared the same pain, same trials.
We really bonded.
All five of them are dead.
The funky bunch.
Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry, Rodney? They were called the funky bunch.
Funky bunch? Marky Mark was very popular at the time.
Of course.
That's why you were called the funky bunch.
We were 14! Stop! The funky bunch is over! Honey? Honey, I just heard.
Are you okay? Oh, Jesus.
Oh, mom, it happened so suddenly.
I mean, Jim was just up there telling jokes, and then Jim, you killed Danny? No.
No, I went down there to help.
I was doing a show.
That's all.
- What was the joke? - Walter! What? I want to know! The one where Angelina Jolie buys blacks.
And the Asians.
- That's a good one.
- Walter! That's a good j you got any beer? The fridge.
He killed him, Walter! No, he didn't, mom.
Danny was old! He was like 34! He never should've lived past 30! Good one.
Nice, Steve.
You know, every day that Billy's still with us, it's a blessing and a curse, I'll tell you.
You know, on the one hand, he's around so we can enjoy him, but on the other, the poor guy's suffering.
Yeah, dad, we get it.
"Billy's suffering.
Billy lost his friend.
" Stevie boy don't "Stevie boy" me, dad.
What is the matter with you? I'll tell you what's the matter with me.
I'm sick and tired of everybody pretending like Billy's the only one with problems.
Oh, Steve, everybody is well-aware that you have problems huge problems! Yeah, but yours are self-inflicted, Steve.
That's a funny one, Jim.
Yeah, I get it.
"Yeah, Steve can take it.
" Yeah.
Oh, come on, Steve.
No, y come on, Jim! You know I've been dealing with this shit my whole life? And all I ever ask for is for somebody to just listen maybe, maybe even empathize a little! - Mom, please, I just want to be alone.
Oh, honey, Steve doesn't mean it.
He's an idiot.
Mom Alone.
Okay.
Okay.
I didn't get a normal childhood, dad.
We never went on a normal vacation.
We never went camping, to an amusement park! We didn't go anywhere that didn't have a ramp! Look, Steve.
Steve, I'm sorry.
I I really tried, but - I once had that idea for a theme park.
- Jesus.
- Ramp world.
- Oh, God.
Oh, yeah.
You go up, you go down just like life! It's exactly like life.
- Just shut the hell up, dad, please.
- Ah, ramp world.
Stop encouraging him.
Oh, could've been millionaires.
Jesus, God, dad, shut the hell up, please! That's, uh, still a good idea.
You know I've seen Jerry Lewis live seven times? - Never seen him at ramp world.
- Shut up! - Well - There's times I thought that I knew Jerry Lewis better than I knew my own dad! Ah, Steve, you've seen me more than seven times! You know how many times I prayed that I'd get sick just so I could get some attention? - Ohh, man! - Jesus.
Really, Steve? No, not really.
I don't want to be sick.
That shit sucks.
- But the point is that sometimes - I got to go.
I got you guys make me feel like I'm not even here! I got to go check on Billy.
Just - Okay? - Oh, there you go.
- Thanks for proving my point, Jim.
- All right, look.
A half-hour, we're gonna go watch some cartoons.
What do you think? You know, your mother's a wonderful woman! The stuff she's done for you kids over the years - She's gone home, Walter.
- Oh, thank God.
Hey, buddy.
Dad and I were just having a little chat.
Yeah.
I heard.
Look, uh Emotions are running a little bit high.
Rodney Could you could you grab us some beers, please, buddy? - Yes, sir! - All right.
Life, huh? Hey, it's tough everywhere.
Ah.
Thank you, Rodney.
You got this brutal thing going on.
You know, I've been living with your mother for 38 years.
Steve lost his wife and kid.
And Jim he's nowhere near having a grounded human existence.
No wife, no kids, nothing.
This guy's like the black hole of humanity.
But at the end of the day, I'd say he might be the luckiest of us all.
Thanks, Walter.
Let me draw it for you.
Oh, God.
Here we go.
All right, now This line Represents blowjobs.
This line Is time.
Over here, we have money.
Cashola, moola.
This line Represents relationships.
Now, over time, the more money we spend we cause the lines to intersect, which represents Children.
Now, at the end of all this We have Death.
And as we lie in our coffin Our wives dance on top with everything that's left.
Now, that's heterosexual.
Homosexual blowjobs, money.
The two lines never intersect.
They got it made in the shade! Dad, what does this mean? "Rodney and Dokken were here.
" Well, I did what you asked me to do.
I went down to a home to do some shows for a bunch of MDs and disabled people, and one of them had a heart attack and died.
How'd it make you feel? When spazzy Danny died? You can call him Danny.
I'm going to say Sad.
The funeral's coming up.
I don't think I'm gonna go.
Why not? People don't want the killers of their children at the funeral.
And, plus, Danny's not my friend.
He was my friend's friend.
Well, don't you think it would be nice to go with your friend to support him? I mean, it would be the nice, kind, compassionate thing to do.
Maybe I could go and tell a few jokes Kill a few more of them off.
Is this gonna be a big funeral? I don't know.
Pretty big.
I think a lot of people are gonna be there.
The funky bunch won't.
- Oh, shut up, Rodney.
- But they won't.
After the viewing, he's being cremated.
Yeah? Where are they spreading his ashes? The ocean.
He really loved the water, which reminds me of a favor I need to ask.
Because none of us can swim, I was hoping that you guys could do it.
- No, no.
- No, no, no.
No way.
Not gonna happen, mate.
That's not my responsibility.
- But you killed him, Jim.
- This is true.
I want to be spread on a sandwich.
- Why is it so hot in here? - It's the devil, man.
Hey, Jerry, no cuts! Hey, come on! What are you doing? Look at the little bastard.
He's cutting! Yeah, but, Steve, we're at a funeral, right? We're not at the DMV.
We're not at six flags.
- Who gives a shit? - It doesn't matter.
It's the principle.
Look at how he's cutting.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, Jerry, you dick licker, get to the back of the line! You kill him! - He did not.
- Yeah, he did! - Steve! - Why do they keep saying that I killed him? - I didn't kill anyone.
- Ah, they're just on edge.
It's a funeral, man.
Tell you what, though these disabled funerals are the best, man.
You know, 'cause the chicks are sad, but they're not too sad, because they saw it coming, you know? And they're emotional, but they're not so emotional that a couple wine coolers and a little loving wouldn't cheer them up.
- Okay, Jerry, that's enough.
At the beginning of that sentence, I thought you were disgusting, but maybe you're right.
Dude, let go.
Yeah, I've been to a lot of these things.
Ever been laid at one? - Nope.
- Okay.
Jesus.
This is taking too long.
Who is that girl? Okay.
Let go of her right now.
It's Danny's sister, Sara.
Sara.
- I bet her name's spelled S-a-r-a.
- What? Bet there's no "h" on the end.
You put the "h" on the end of a girl's name, it adds like 30 pounds.
See, Sara, S-a-r-a hot girl.
Sarah, S-a-r-a-h it's a fat chick.
Are you kidding me? Look at this guy.
He's cooling off by the body, and we're sweating over here.
It's not just not just girls' names.
Boys' names.
Noah I never met a thin Noah.
Ralph's a fat prick.
Isn't he? I'm sorry for your loss.
Look at this guy giving me the stink eye! Who does he think he is? Bring it.
I have to meet that girl.
She's amazing.
I told you, man disabled funerals.
Danny and I grew up together.
We played together.
He was the 67th best "Halo" player in the world for a while.
In many ways, he was the brother I never had.
- What? - It's true.
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow 'Tis I'll be here What's the matter? In sunshine or in shadow - It looks like he's just sitting in front of fun.
- You're right.
Oh, Danny boy Oh, Danny boy - I love you so.
- I love you so Ladies and gentlemen, the funky bunch no more.
Come on! Feel the vibration! Hey, there.
Oh, hi.
Um, I'm I-I sorry, I didn't say hello.
I'm I'm Jim.
Hi, Jim.
Sara.
I'm sorry for Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
I'm Danny's sister.
I guess I'm nobody.
- Steve! - Eh.
Look, he's upset, you know? This has really hit home for us, what with Billy, and I I'm really sorry about your brother.
Well, you should be.
From what I hear, you're the one who killed him.
Why does everyone I didn't kill anyone! - You kill him! - Shut up, Jerry! I went down there to entertain him.
It's not your fault.
You were just telling bad jokes.
Not bad jokes good jokes! - Bad jokes! - Bad audience! - People that don't know comedy! - I know comedy! He does, Jim.
He really does.
Shut up, Rodney.
I can't tell if I'm drunk or just sad.
Yeah, probably both.
He just started taking an experimental drug.
It seemed to be helping.
Hope it didn't kill him.
So Danny told me you took Billy to a brothel? Yes.
That's great.
- That makes me happy.
- Really? I could never have done that for my brother, so I just used to blow him.
It's okay.
He was adopted.
- I'm kidding! - Oh! Come on.
Who adopts disabled kids? No one would.
You kill him.
That's Ah, you're great! You're great! Jim, I've really enjoyed talking to you, but I got to go.
I got to find someone to scatter these ashes, so I can do that for you.
Really? Yeah, I can do that! - Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Ramona.
Excuse me.
I have to go.
She's great.
Yeah, she's a piece of work.
You know, I had to go to a psychiatrist to tell me to be nice to people.
You just do it, mate.
Here.
You've been taking care of Billy For 30 years.
You think he doesn't notice that? You think your parents don't notice that? I definitely notice it.
You've done something worthwhile with your life.
Well, it's kind of hard to feel good about anything right now.
But I don't know how to help you, you know? I-I there's nothing I can do.
It's easy for me to help Billy.
Y-you just got to keep him clean.
You feed him.
You wash him.
You help him go to the bathroom.
But with you, I don't know what to do.
Maybe it's worse to be hurt in the head, eh? Yeah, I don't know about that, Jim, but thanks, man.
When's Sara getting here? Don't worry.
She'll be here.
You like her, don't you? Like her? I think I love her.
- Oh, God.
- What's not to like, man? Where have you been? - The reading of the will.
- Yeah? You get anything good? He left me his video-game collection.
I have his hula hoop.
I'm gonna wear it as a belt.
Great, something you can both use.
Maybe.
Come on, Billy.
No, I'm serious.
I'm thinking about taking that drug.
Danny took it.
I-it could've killed him.
What? Well, Sara was talking You talking about me? Nah.
It's really great that you're doing this for us.
I'm a helper.
That's what I do.
Well, I'll be waiting for you up there when you get back.
Thank you.
I'll just carry your brother! Unbelievable.
I think I love her.
What? Well, she's nice.
She's charming.
- She's caring.
- Yeah, good luck with that.
Are you allowed to pee in these suits? Look at Steve.
He looks so stupid! Here we go.
Ohh! Aah! God.
Oh, man! Aah! This is for you, Danny! Danny! Okay, okay.
You ready? Okay, okay.
Okay, I got it! Oh, Danny Danny Danny, you had a horrible life! That's good.
Spazzy Danny! For spazzy Danny! Ohh! Oh! Ohh! Hey, Jim! I know comedy! We do, Jim! We really do! We get somebody to do this at every funeral! Funky bunch strikes again, yo! Boom! That's for you, Danny.
Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Aah.
Well, well done.
Yeah, you got us.
It was very good.
Well done.
Oh, it was very sweet what you did.
Well, you're welcome.
I was hoping someone would go for a walk with me on the pier.
See you later.
Yeah, you got us pretty good.
Those ashes, that was, uh that was a good joke.
It's always funny.
I-I just I just don't know what to say right now.
Look, Jim, I think you're a really great guy.
I'm really not.
Then why are you waiting so long to kiss me? Look at her.
She's perfect.
She's funny.
She's pretty.
She's caring.
She might be the one.
I can't find a single problem with her.
Man! Can you believe all these niggers? You coming?