Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Racist

So, we're walking on the pier.
It was beautiful.
It was perfect.
The sun was going down.
She looked amazing.
I kiss her.
Best kiss ever.
Hands down.
And then two black people walk by, and she says the N-word.
Billy: W-what? Like the N-word, N-word? Is there another N-word? She just said the N-word.
No, how did she say it? Like Paula Deen and Kramer talking in a car.
Wow! Have you had sex with her yet? No.
Why not? [Sighs] 'Cause she's racist, and I I really like her.
So, I'm trying to wait.
Aw, Jim's in love with a racist.
I'm not in love with a racist.
I like a girl who happens to be a racist.
Look, Jim.
If you really like her, just talk to her.
But why does she have be racist? Maybe it's just black people.
She hate Hispanics and Arabs and Jews, too? Maybe she shaves her pubes into a Hitler 'stache! Heil, pussy! Pussolini! [Both laugh] Do not call my girlfriend's pussy a dictator.
Maybe she's got Tourette's.
Wouldn't that be great? Why do people give that word so much power anyway? Black people call each other that all the time.
Call each other what? What? When What, now? Sorry.
Black people call each other what? Yeah, Steve.
What do black people call each other? Don't.
Steve? Brother, s-sister, homeboy.
Blood? That wasn't what y'all were talking about.
I really like Billy's blanket.
It's very FDR.
Maybe I can change her.
Now you're talking crazy.
Steve? Steve? I know, no drinking before dark.
It's a stupid rule.
Not a stupid rule.
It's a good rule.
You pinched the mail lady's ass.
She's so hot, though.
Yeah, but we need our mail, dickhead.
Hello, ma'am! Welcome to discount save and sell.
Here's a basket for you.
Nice tube top.
Good choice for you today, huh? Yeah, who cares what society thinks? Good for you.
You be comfortable! Great G-string.
Yeah, take your time, sir.
We're open till 9:00.
Good to see you're getting out! Huh? Oh, you know, so close to death and all.
Get out there, buddy.
Live! Screw you, asshole.
Walter, what's going on here? He just said I was near death, this asshole.
Sir, very sorry.
Uh, here's a coupon for That guy just gave me the finger.
What's wrong with people today? - Walter? - Huh? Can I see you in my office? - How do I look? - Billy: I don't know.
You should try something in white.
- [Laughs] - You have a sheet? [Knocks on door] That's her.
Got it don't offend the racist.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Walter.
- Hey, dad.
- Hey, Jimmy.
So, thought I'd stop by to celebrate.
Celebrate what? My retirement! Yeah? Yeah.
No more rat race for me.
No, sirree, Bob.
So, how about a beer? Screw the beer! Let's do shots! Oh, there you go! Ohh.
[Chuckles] What do you say, guys? Let's go on a pub crawl, huh? I'm in.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Jim? Not for me.
I got a date tonight.
Oh, yeah? Who's the lucky lass? Sara, with an "a.
" Yeah, dad.
You know Sara.
She's Danny's sister.
Oh, right, the bigot! You you know? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'm used to it.
You know, your mother [Chuckles] she gets racial.
Oy, give her a snoot full, my God.
- Oh, she has it in for the Irish.
- Dad, what is the point? We all have flaws, all I'm saying.
All my flaws together don't equal racism.
Jim, it's okay to want more out of your life.
But you're at the danger point of having too much freedom.
You get so set in your ways you'll never gonna have any meaning in your life.
You lucky bastard, you.
[Sighs] Where you taking her? Uh, I'm hoping that she'll be happy to stay here.
So I can keep the date in a controlled environment where it's white.
Good thinking.
But do not watch television.
There's an inordinate amount of commercials featuring Afro-Americans.
The ratio is way out of proportion to their actual existence in the populace.
[Knocks on door] What's out of proportion in the populace? - Well, the coloreds.
- Hey! - Hey! - Sara's here! Come in.
Come in.
Come in.
Come in.
Okay, Sara, this is, uh, Walt, obviously.
You know Steve.
- Billy.
- Hi, Sara.
Sara, have you ever met Ramona? Yes, we've met.
Well, what do you say, guys? Let's go! Go on our pub crawl! Yeah, Ramona.
You're coming with us, right? I'll never turn down a drink.
Pub crawl! Wahoo! Yay! Ramona? Ramona, you're coming with us.
There you go.
You get a free drink on me.
We have a kitchen here.
All right.
Billy: Hey, give me a shot.
Walter: Yeah, good call.
Good call.
How about, uh, three no, four jaegermeisters? And another good call.
Yes, jaegermeister! Ha This guy looks like Todd.
Shut up, Ste Wow! He does look like Todd! Son, any man who takes a woman off your hands is doing you a favor.
Not Todd, dad.
Not Todd.
[Knocks on door] Gah, ge go food.
Mnh! All right.
- $26.
- Hey.
All right.
Yeah, you keep that change there.
Hey, hey.
Who was that? Uh, delivery guy.
This guy keeps looking at me.
Billy: Huh? Ah, shit.
Steve's got the gaze.
Walter: Yeah, you're right.
Well, I'm a peaceful guy.
But if you want to crack him one, you go right ahead.
- I got your back.
- Me too.
Billy: No, no.
Stop encouraging him.
You got a problem? Problem? Nope.
Yeah? You're gonna have a problem.
- Oh, yeah? - A big problem.
- Why? - Because you're looking at me.
Me, too.
I'm looking at you 'cause you're looking at me.
- Which came first? - Nobody knows.
Can I piss now? Yeah, you go piss.
Go make pee-pee with your little girly vajayjay.
[Laughs] Sara.
You're so beautiful.
It um I, um This is hard for me.
I've been wanting to say this to you for a while, and I just haven't gotten the guts up to say it.
The other day, when we were walking along the pier, and we kissed, and Stop.
I think I know what you're gonna say.
Oh, good.
And I felt it, too.
I think about you all the time.
And I know it's crazy and really, really fast, but we have this huge thing in common Yeah, but This thing that nobody understands.
Hey, Todd.
- Hey.
- Don't don't touch me.
- Hey, dude.
You're Todd.
- I'm not Todd.
I don't know who Todd is.
This is not gonna end well.
You saying you don't know who I? You took my wife and my kid Ow! Ohh! I don't know who Todd is! Oh, you better kill me.
What are you doing?! Simmer down, Oprah! Who are you calling Oprah?! Ramona, I got it.
Ow! Call me Oprah! Give me some of that! Give me that! You're Todd! Sara, I I [Cellphone vibrating] I'm sorry.
[All grunting] You hit my dad! We had a fight.
Um, we got a problem.
Call me back.
Hang it up.
Try it again.
And the way you care for Billy [Cellphone vibrating] Well, that's you got to accept people for what they are.
Son of a bitch! [Both grunt] Ramona: Ooh! - [Chuckles] - You all right? Let's eat this food before it gets cold.
Yes, okay.
What have we got here? Huh, chink food delivered by a beaner.
Only in L.
[Cellphone vibrating] But me hungry long time.
Drunk Drunk Drunk [Horns honking] What are you looking at?! You never seen somebody in a wheelchair?! - Get out of the road! - Oh, screw you! Asshole.
[Siren chirps] Oh, no.
Hey, what are you doing in the middle of the street? [Chuckling] The sidewalk has too many cracks in it.
I'm on my way home to blink out a letter to my congressman.
[Laughs] You been drinking? Yes, sir, I have.
Okay, well, I got to ask you to pull over.
I got to give you a citation.
Okay, I'll pull over, but got to warn you, I may shit myself.
Look, let's just make this a warning, all right? Okay.
Please get your ass out of the street.
[Chuckling] I'm going home right now.
Thank you for your service, officer.
Drunk Look at you.
Big men, are we? Come on.
Get your stuff.
Jim: I don't have time to be picking you idiots up.
I was having a lovely night at home.
She s-say anything racist yet? Ramona: What? The chick da he's dating a racist girl.
You're dating her? She's not a racist.
She's just uneducated.
You know, maybe she says a few stupid things from time to time, but, you know, she's harmless.
Come on, Jim.
Why don't you just grow a pair and admit the fact that you're ignoring it because you want to tap that? If you really must know, it's playing on my mind.
Well, it should.
'Cause it's far from harmless.
Yeah, I know.
When I was a little girl growing up in Macon, Georgia, all I wanted was to play the first chair in the middle school orchestra.
But I didn't get it.
And I went to go talk to the teacher.
When I was coming around the corner, and I heard her say to another teacher, "There's no way that some little nigger girl's gonna play first chair for me.
" I'm sorry, Ramona.
I get it.
I really do.
I bet they gave it to an Asian kid.
[Chuckles] Bed.
Sara? Sara: I'm in your bedroom.
You got to talk to her, Jim.
Yeah, she's right, Jim.
You know she's right.
Hey, Ramona, let's go have a nightcap in the yard, huh? You know, that sounds like a good idea.
You've got to stand up to her.
Tell her she's a racist.
Shh! She's just in there, okay? You got to tell her.
Can't we all just get along? Yeah, okay.
Now you're quoting Rodney King.
Sara, can you come out here, please? We need to talk.
I'm sort of done talking for the night.
Oh, geez.
Yeah, no one wants to see that.
You don't want a photo? [Chuckles] Sorry about that.
Thank you for last night.
No, thank you.
That was fun.
Call me later.
- Yeah, you'll be lucky.
- Bah.
You got any gatorade? My electrolytes are low.
Here, drink this.
It's close enough, I guess.
Did you do it, man? Did you get laid? Can you got to use a glass.
Come on.
[Groans] They're all dirty.
So you like her? Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I really do.
I was hoping she was gonna be bad in bed, but she's excellent sex.
So, that's a shame.
Remember that dog we had that only barked at black people? Blackie.
I loved Blackie.
He just didn't know any black people.
Yeah, we we got Blackie used to black people.
Uh, I don't follow.
What we do is we just get Sara to hang out with some people of color, and eventually she'll realize she's off base in this.
That's what I was saying.
This is a great idea I've just had Blackie.
No, that's my idea.
Yeah, but who do we get to hang out with her? - Ramona.
- No, we can't use Ramona.
[Knocks on door] Janice: Walter! Oh, God.
Walter! I know you're there, because your car is in front! Take your own advice, all right? You stand up for yourself.
Retired man.
- Don't let her push you around.
- Steve! Open this door.
Hi, mom.
Ow! What the hell happened to your eye? Bar fight.
Well, of course, because you were drinking with Jim.
Not drinking with me.
I was home, having sex with a racist.
He was out with me, okay? - Great! - Ow! Headache! By the way, the save and sell called this morning.
Oh, yeah? They said that they want their vest back because you walked out with it when you were fired! Fired? Nah, he's retired.
Yeah, well, not so much.
We will have this discussion when we get home! No.
I'm sorry.
What? I'm not going in any car.
I'm not doing any more talking.
I'm staying right here with Jim and Steve! Sorry, that's not an option.
Yeah, I know.
This place is small enough already.
I've been putting up with your crap for 38 years now, woman.
I'm going to live my life, just like Jim.
And a little better than Steve.
Well, you have said your piece.
Have fun, boys.
[Chuckles] Goodbye.
[Chuckles] [Chuckles] Oh, look.
She forgot the vest.
What a dope.
I've never seen her happy.
It's like she knows something.
Billy: Guys, I need to go to the bathroom! - Not it.
- Not it! [Cheers and applause] All right, guys.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Jim Jefferies.
- What's up, bro? - Hey.
Hey, man.
That was good, funny stuff.
I really liked it.
Thanks, man.
Uh, how you doing? - All right.
- Yeah? We never hang out that much, do we? We should hang out more.
We should have beers.
Let's do it.
Have a beer.
All right.
I have a girl coming who I'm seeing.
And would it be all right if she joined us? Ohh.
Yeah, I get it.
Does she, like, have any, like, cute, little, white girlfriends that want some black dick? No, that hasn't come up.
You look great.
- Oh, thank you.
- This is my friend Al.
Al, this is Sara.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Mnh-mnh-mnh.
- You, too.
So, um, Al is a comedian, just did a show, and, um, we were just talking.
Yeah, so I was hoping that the two of you would meet.
You know, get to know each other.
You might get along.
I think that you two would really get along if, uh, you just got to know each other, you know? Feel each other out, see if there's a vibe.
Al here is one of the best comics I've ever seen.
Tremendous comedian.
He's one of my favorites.
I'm his favorite nigga.
- [Laughs nervously] - Ask anybody in this bar.
I'm going go to the ladies' room and grab a drink.
- You guys good? - I'll take a beer.
- Of course.
- I'm fine.
Dude, relax, man.
I get it now, dude.
- Oh, God, you do? - Yeah.
She got a black-guy fantasy, right, you know? You want to bang her with me, or, I don't know, if you're freaky like that, just watch me bang her.
I mean, I'll put on a show.
No, it's not.
The thing is Jim, spit it out, man, 'cause that was weird as shit.
She's a racist.
She's what?! But I like her, so and she's got other good qualities.
So, I was thinking if I introduced her to you, then she would get used to black folk.
So, your plan is to indoctrinate her like you would do a damn dog on the street? Ahh, wh that was the plan, yes.
You cannot date racist pussy, man! Now, you can screw the hell out of some racist pussy, but you can't date it! Because that's gonna make you a racist.
- But I can screw racist pussy? - Yes! You can screw all kind of terrible, horrible pussy.
You just don't date it.
Think about it.
Casey Anthony, Jodi Arias.
I'd love to have sex with them.
Fine-ass pussy.
But you don't date 'em! Women date horrible people all the time.
Women date men on death row.
That's the difference.
Women date horrible, terrible people, men screw terrible people.
That's true.
I've had a lot of girlfriends.
What's the difference, though? They don't become killers or racist, Jim we do.
We do.
Now, quick question for you where are your nuts? They're in my pants.
Are you a man or a woman? I'm a man.
That answers it.
You gotta dump that racist pussy.
I gotta dump that racist pussy.
Dump it right now.
Dump it.
As soon as she comes back, dump it.
When she comes back, I'm gonna dump it.
- Here we go.
- Hey.
All right.
Here we go.
Your boyfriend just said you're a racist.
- Ahhh - What?! - I never - No, I'm - Jim? - I never said you were ra liar! You just said it.
Oh, now the black man's a liar.
[Groans] See, the thing is, you're just you're, you know, you just blah out racists words all the time.
And this is how you talk to me about it? - Yeah.
- Using him? - Yeah, well - Damn.
Don't call him "him.
" That won't help things.
You might as well just call him the N-word and be done with it.
Look, I think you're great, you know? You're sweet, you're kind, you're beautiful She's also a racist.
But she took care of her dying brother for years, you know? But he is right, you're a racist.
I'm sorry.
It's just the way I was raised.
My dad is really racist.
- But was your mama? - No.
- What'd I tell you? - Hey, look.
Sara, as nice as you are, I don't think we should go out anymore.
So, that's it, Jim? Yep.
That's it.
I'm sorry, Sara.
That's it.
[Scoffs] That's my beer.
No, it's mine.
[Whistling] [Teapot whistling] I miss racist pussy.
- You need to talk to dad.
- Why? I love him to pieces, but he's driving me nuts.
He takes forever in the bathroom, his special tea smells like ass, and he whistles constantly.
There's a reason mom made him live in a tent in the backyard.
You got to tell him to go home, Jim.
Why me, though? - It's your fault that he's here! - Talk to him.
[Whistling continues] Hey, guys.
Hey, Walter.
I was thinking I was thinking, too.
I I've spent my whole life under the tyrannical rule of Janice.
I worked my tail off, raised my sons, and pretty much raised you, too, Jimmy.
You know, maybe we're not as successful as we want to be and we all have problems, sure, some huge, but when you guys invited me to stay here with you Not invited, exactly It just showed me that, you know, no matter what happens, when the chips are down, my boys have my back.
So, thank you, guys.
Jim, what were you thinking? I I was thinking, um I could sleep on the couch.
You could you could have my room if you wanted.
Ah, Jimmy.
[Chuckles] Geez, that is such a kind What a guy.
Good night, Walter.
Alan: If a chick is super fine, we'll put up with way more of her shit.
Think about how that applies to the worst person ever in life.
Like, think about Adolf Hitler.
[Laughs] It'd be world leaders talking to each other like, "look, man.
"We got to stop Hitler, man, "but that bitch look like she could suck some dick.
Let's get real.
" [Laughter] Guys, this has been Al Jackson.
Thank y'all! Have a good night! Thank you so much! Drive safe! [Cheers and applause] - Hi, Sara.
- Hi, Jim.
I want to apologize.
You were right.
- I was right? - Yeah.
I've been working on some of my attitudes and taking a look at a lot of things.
Ah, this is great.
I I have missed you.
I'm dating Al.
You're dating who now? Yo, Jim.
What up, man? - Hey, baby.
Hey, bring it on in.
- Hey.
- Bitch, go wait in the car.
- Uh! [Chuckles] [Hand slaps] You don't have to hit her.
- Gonna have fun with that later.
- Both: Mnh! What is this? You said you couldn't date racist pussy.
Jim, I'm not dating her! I'm screwing her.
Remember what I said? Women screw terrible people.
You're a terrible person.
For sure! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage Jim Jefferies! Have a good set.