Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Licked

- Thank you very much, everyone.
Good night.
- Steve: Good job, Jim! Man: All right.
That was Jim Jefferies, guys.
That was, uh, interesting.
All right.
Well, that sucked.
Mike, you told me to work clean! I said do your act.
Just take out the dirty stuff.
This is a network television showcase.
They need to know you can work clean.
Mike, do you even watch what I do? The first two minutes of my show involves the words "Cock, shit, pussy, balls.
" Okay, so say "Penis" and "Poo.
" "Balls" are also legal in the right context, - as is "Snatch.
" - I can say "snatch"? - Man: Please welcome - Maybe not, no.
- I can't say "Poo.
" - Why? Because it's juvenile to say "Poo," you big poo.
No.
I-I just don't think I'm built for this.
It wasn't until I was 19 till I realized that I had to do a whole thing, like, shaving Look at her.
She's doing great, and she's working clean.
Really don't care about it, so - Good job.
- Suck a dick, Steve.
I think they were afraid to laugh because they didn't want to miss the next joke.
That's why they weren't laughing.
Corrinne: Kkk, white.
It's not Ah, bullshit.
It sucked.
Why didn't you do your good stuff? It was my good stuff without swearing.
[Scoffs] You can't work clean.
- I just found that out, didn't I? Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
Not only do I have to lose weight in my arms, my thighs, and my legs, now I have to lose five pounds in my vagina.
[Laughter] - Now, she knows how to work clean.
- Yeah.
- [Laughs] - Peggy: Hey.
- Jim & Steve: Hey.
- Billy: Hey! - Peggy.
You come to see me.
Th - No, I was just I just got here.
Hi.
- Billy: Hi, Peg.
- How are you? - Hi.
You look pretty.
- Thanks.
Jim, I'm really sorry about that whole "Loveline" thing.
No, I understand you're upset we broke up.
It takes a lot to get over a relation - Hey, baby.
Hey.
- Hi.
Bob Saget.
Billy, that's Bob Saget.
I'm not an idiot.
- [Chuckles] - Man: No one's ever told you Um, Bob, do you know Jim? Uh, no.
No.
Uh, nice to meet you.
- Hey.
Jim.
- And this is Billy and Steve.
I-I-I'm a big fan.
- Uh Mnh-mnh.
- Bob: Oh, thanks.
Hi, Bob Saget.
Hey, shake his hand for me.
Steve: He can't shake, so That's cool.
I don't want to touch him anyway.
[Laughter] That's not a joke.
He's disabled.
Um, Jim is also a comedian.
Oh, really? No, I used to, uh, date, uh I was just up there.
So, these executives are making you play clean, as well, huh? Me? [Chuckles] N-No.
No, I just come in here and crush it and make them laugh, and that's what I do.
- Of course you do.
Right.
- Yeah, he does.
Bob: That's right.
It was nice to meet you.
- Jim, right? - Jim.
Yeah.
- See you soon, babe.
- Bye.
- Oh.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Saget.
[Cheers and applause] Billy: Bob Saget! I know Bob Saget! Bob: Thank you very much.
Let's hear it for the very short person - that I don't care to know.
- Come on.
W-Why don't you go over there and gush? - That's Bob Saget.
Let's go watch.
- Let's go.
- Enjoy yourselves.
- [Laughter] Peggy's a gag hag with Bob Saget.
Now, I see that you have some problems, and I appreciate it, 'cause I support anybody that that craps their pants all the time.
[Laughter] - That wasn't a joke.
- Good set.
Bob: That's a really good joke from the old days.
Oh, thank you.
You know who you are.
Angela! Hey.
Did you see Corrinne tonight, huh? Really funny.
- I like this guy.
- This guy? Yeah, this guy! Everybody loves Jim.
He killed it tonight.
- Angela McKinnon.
- G'day.
Jim Jefferies.
Why don't you come to my office sometime and we can talk? What we'll do is we'll see if we can squeeze him in next week.
Jim is really busy.
He's in Why don't you let him answer? I would love to, anytime you want.
Good answer.
Okay.
Make it soon.
Okay, Mike? You got it.
Okay.
Australians don't high-five.
Who was that? Only the biggest comedy exec in town.
This is huge, man.
I don't know how you did it, but you did it.
Now, I got to roll.
Jamie Foxx is here.
- Man: Bob Saget! - Thanks, Mike.
- [Applause] - Yeah! Man: Whoo! - Man: Way to go, Bob.
- Thanks.
Hey.
Great set, Bob.
Oh, thanks, man.
So, you know Angela? We just met.
Welcome to show business.
[Chuckles] Peggy: Bye, Jim.
Bye.
"Welcome to show business.
" Bob Saget.
I get it.
You're jealous.
It's just like Todd.
- Oh, my God.
- Jim: It's not like Todd.
Turn.
I'd be all right if Peggy was dating someone, you know, lower.
Just Turn.
Someone less successful.
In the comedy world, they're called "Gag Hags.
" - Nice.
- Turn.
- Yeah, you know, like, when you first start dating a girl, they're not even into comedy, right? And then you break up with them, and all they seem to do is date bloody comedians.
What if he's better-looking than you? - That's fine.
- Better car? It's fine.
- Richer? - Totally cool.
Funnier? No, not not funnier.
More famous.
Right.
Don't they kind of go hand in hand? No, they don't go hand in hand! Some people get overlooked.
Like men don't date up? I don't know.
Saget is pretty funny.
- [Cellphone vibrating] - You're not helping, Billy.
This conversation is ridiculous.
Hello? - Mike: Jimmy J.
! - Hi, Mike.
Hey, so how is Tuesday at, um Uh 10:00 A.
M.
? Yeah, sure.
Sure.
Wait.
What's this all about? Meeting with Angela.
General meeting.
She just wants to get to know you, see what you're all about.
Okay.
Mike? Yeah, Jim? What am I all about? You are all about making her happy.
- That's what you're all about.
- Okay.
All right.
I got to take this call.
Love you, man.
A really big executive wants to have a meeting with me.
Really? Off that set? Yeah.
Uh, water? Ah, no, I'm fine.
Thank you.
You sure? - Yeah.
Thanks.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Jim Jefferies.
Mm.
Thank you so much for having me.
Oh, please.
So, where in England are you from? Oh, no.
I'm, uh I'm Australian.
You know what? That is so much better.
I just British actors are so girly.
You know what I mean? Australian men now, those are real men, right? Look, Russell Crowe? That's a real guy.
So What is Jim about? Okay.
Well, I love stand-up.
I would also like to be in movies.
I'd like to be in television.
I can write.
What have you written? Oh, I've written heaps of stuff.
- I've, uh, written my stand-up - Mm-hmm.
And, um, other stuff.
- And, uh, can you act? - Yes.
Have you been in anything? Not yet.
Well, don't worry about that.
Acting is easy.
What you need is a good look.
- Have I got a good look? - Not at all.
But that just means you might have to work a little bit harder than some of the others.
[Sighs] Yep.
Are you a hard worker? That I am, yes.
Are you willing to go that extra mile? Absolutely.
That is great.
- One more thing.
- Anything.
Good answer.
[Breathes deeply] [Sighs] Lick my pussy.
Y Uh You W-W-What now? You heard me.
Y Um, you want me to lick your What? Yes.
Um, I Uh, I would rather get a job on my merits.
[Laughs] Well, everyone in Hollywood thinks they have merits.
Look, I just told you acting is easy.
That's why everybody wants to do it.
I mean, there was literally like 17, 18 guys could've played Chandler on "Friends," right? - Mm-hmm.
- But Matthew Perry, he did something that none of the others did.
Licked your pussy.
Like a champ, may I add.
Like a champ.
Here's how to think of it that might make it easier.
Think of this as a tunnel to stardom.
- Tunnel? - You know what I mean.
So, like, are you willing to get in there and burrow, burrow, burrow up to the limelight, stardom? [Groans] So, Jim What are you gonna do? I'm gonna lick your pussy.
That's right.
Uh Now, how do we do this? Do we [Inhales sharply] uh, schedule it? Do we get a Do I talk to the young man out there? Actually, I'm pretty busy, so you just do it right now.
Right.
Mm-hmm.
D-did you have to do this when you got into the industry? No, I'm a woman.
So, right now? Unfortunately, I do have an appointment in about 15 minutes, so Okay.
[Door opens] Angela: Have a nice day! Mike: Jimmy J.
, how'd it go? Um I think it went good.
All right, well, I will put in a call, - and I'll let you know how it went.
- No.
No, no, no, Mike.
No, I-I don't want to meet with her again.
Why? What happened? She made me lick her pussy.
You there? Mike, you there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard you.
I heard you.
- Heard you.
- Mike? You okay? Yeah, I I'm okay.
But I'm gonna get parts now, right? - [Telephone beeps] - It's Angela on 2.
Yeah, hey, Jimmy, that's her on the other line.
Hold on.
Don't go anywhere, okay? [Orchestral music plays] Jim? She said you didn't do a good job.
What?! I I did a good job! Did she cum? Did she say she didn't cum? No, she just said it was a bad meeting.
I went in there, and I did my very best.
I was down there for 15 minutes.
That's more than anyone should be expected to do that.
She kept on saying, "I've got another meeting, I've got another meeting," so I tried to hurry it along as much as I could.
I was on a hardwood floor, Mike! My knees are killing me! I was sober.
What happened? I thought I should stop when her assistant rang.
Her assistant came in? Like, you guys all, or just the two of you? - No.
- All right, well, what did she say? Um She said it was good.
Did she use the word "Good," or did she say, [Enthusiastically] "It was good"? She said "Good," Mike.
Great is good, awesome is great, but good is always bad.
Well, I-I did my best.
Here's the good news.
She said she'll meet with you again.
How is this good news? Now you know what to expect, right? Are you up for that? I didn't have a lot of time to prepare.
Well, then I guess you better prepare.
I don't know what you have to do.
Put your tongue on bed rest.
Eat a life saver from inside out.
Whatever it is, do it, man! What's she looking for? An orgasm, Jim! She's looking for an orgasm! Jesus! Put your head into this! I'm not sure I can do that again, Mike.
Do you know how many miles of dick that have been sucked in this town by actresses? Well, it's a woman's world now.
The tables have turned, so you're just gonna have to deal with it.
[Sighs] Hey, uh, how was your meeting? Strange.
Strange? How? I came in there, and then she, uh, wanted me to make her, uh Make her? Cum.
Wanted me to make her cum.
- Awesome.
- No.
What's her name? - Angela McKinnon.
- Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
So, she wanted you to sleep with her? No.
Oh.
She wanted to blow you? Who cums from blowing me? She made me go down on her.
- What? - That is great.
[Gasps] Is this her? - Yes.
- Yeah, that's not so great.
[Both laugh] That is hilarious! Not really.
How was it? [Laughs] Tart.
[Laughter] Hallelujah! There is a God! You're being punished.
- For what?! - This is so great! - [Cellphone ringing] - Oh, man.
All right.
Let's get out of here.
Where are you guys gonna be later? Oh, we'll call you.
Billy: Jim munched ancient carpet.
[Laughter] Jimmy J.
! Hey, man.
You got your meeting tomorrow at 9:00 A.
M.
- Great.
- Hey, Jimmy, listen.
I could give this opportunity to any number of actors that would kill to have this chance.
Opportunity? Yeah, Jimmy, it's huge.
Oh, yeah.
It's huge.
Really? No, it is huge.
Now I'm gonna have that image in my head all night.
Thanks, pal.
Jim, are you all right? [Sighs] My agent and your God are trying to punish me.
[Chuckles] Jim, you know I love you, right? But you really backed yourself into a corner with this one.
What am I meant to do? - Have a compass.
- What will that do? So you can know right from wrong.
Okay, look, Jim, you really need to get this out of your head, so what do you do when you're stressed? Drink.
Okay.
We know how well that helps.
- I also masturbate.
- Oh, Jim.
You really didn't learn anything at S.
A.
A.
, did you? No, it did make sex shameful.
All right.
How do you ground yourself? - I like telling jokes.
- Well, all right, then.
Why don't you go take your ass down to the club, do a set, and clear your head? Bob: It's nice to play to, uh, such a full house [Laughter] and full pants.
Thank you so much.
Have a great night.
[Cheers and applause] Bob Saget! That was awesome! Oh my God.
Hey, Jim.
What are you doing here? Maybe I should ask you the same question.
We were just, uh - just just just just - Just what, Steve? - It was my fault, Jim.
- Well, that's obvious.
Okay.
I wanted to see them.
I wanted to play video games.
How long has this been going on? We just went to a couple gigs.
- A couple of gigs? - Yeah.
The other day when you said you were out hitting golf balls You were with her and him.
Golf balls, Steve? It was a pressure-filled moment.
I was afraid how he would react.
And how would I react, Steve? Like this, Jim.
I was worried you'd freak out.
No, no.
You're wrong.
You're wrong.
I'm not freaking out.
Who's freaking out? Not me.
[Sighs] I just don't feel like I can trust you right now.
I just don't feel like we're connecting emo I-I just don't want to talk to you.
- Oh, Jim, come on.
- Jim.
Oh, "Come on" what, Billy? I'm out there all day licking old ladies just to make ends meet.
- What? - Yes.
That's right, Peggy.
That's where my career's at right now, licking old ladies' staches.
And all I need is a little bit of understanding from you! I know, I'm I'm sorry.
Don't leave.
Hey.
How was Angela? Pungent.
Hey, Jim.
I have nothing to say to you two.
Oh, come on, Jim.
It was two gigs.
It was three.
Some honesty at last.
Bob Saget's funny.
- What, and I'm not? - No, no, you are funny.
It's just that we've heard all your stories.
You used to love my stories.
Ramona: You guys are morons.
What? Saget is funny.
[Chuckling] This is not about Saget! Peggy is a beautiful, sweet woman.
Of course she's gonna date up.
That's what people do.
Would you date a girl uglier after Peggy? Of course not.
- Well, you have.
- Billy, shut up.
This is what I'm talking about.
You objectify women.
You call them shrimp or or prawns and you talk about keeping the body and snapping off the head.
- Mmm - It's despicable! It's 'cause they got a good body and a bad head.
- No! - You can still sleep with them.
- You got to cover their face.
- Jim! This is what women go through every day.
What? Dating Bob Saget? This is not about Bob Saget! You guys just don't get it.
Wow.
I had no idea that's what it was like to be black.
- Black.
- No! Not black, you dumbasses! - A woman! - Billy: Okay.
Jim is being objectified.
Mm.
Therefore, he's feeling insecure.
It's true.
He's being sexually harassed! She's right.
Oh.
When you have a body like this, women don't think you have a mind.
They don't see your inner beauty.
- I'm a victim.
- Yeah.
But I got to do it again if I'm gonna get that job.
- No.
- I'm just gonna get stoned and imagine her pussy's a pizza.
Jim! You don't ever have to do that again.
I don't know.
Really? You go in there, you tell her, "No way.
" Then you hit her with an idea that she can't refuse.
That's a good idea.
- That's something she'll respect.
- Well You go in there holding your head high, man.
Don't go down low.
Yeah.
You can do it, Jim.
I can do this.
I-I got I got millions of good ideas.
Yeah, and if she doesn't like your ideas - then you lick her pussy.
- Yeah, I'll go down on her.
- Just - Easy.
Morons.
- Hey, Bob.
- Hey, man.
You hear Peggy's dating Louis C.
K.
now? Yeah.
Yeah, I heard that.
Sorry to hear that, man.
Tough, huh? When they date up.
Yeah.
I licked an executive's pussy.
I did that once back in 1987, and I got two hit shows out of it.
And Angela was hot back then.
Yeah.
- Jim: Billy's in a wheelchair.
He can't get laid.
- Angela: [Laughs] So, we take him off to the brothel, we lay him down, we take his clothes off, she's giving him a blowjob.
We think he's gonna die the entire time.
- We think he's gonna die.
- Oh, no! You really think he's gonna die? Well, we were, at the time.
He's all right now.
This shows such passion and commitment, you know.
I mean, I-I really admire it.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- I really do.
Now, speaking of passion and commitment Mm-hmm.
Could you show some of that in another area? - Mm.
- [Squeaks] Okay.
Yeah.
[Chuckles] Oh, you know, you got such a nice face.
Now, put it where it can do some real good.
[Cellphone ringing] Hello.
Jimmy J.
! You nailed it! Really? Yeah, she went on and on and on about how funny you were.
What did she say about my performance? Uh - Better.
- Yeah, much improved.
She wants to put you in a holding deal.
What's a holding deal? Yeah, holding deal.
It's where they pay you to do nothing.
Nothing?! Love doing nothing! I'm good at it.
Yeah, just put you in a show that's coming down the pike.
I don't have to go down on her, right? Probably.
Uh, probably, sure.
Who cares?! You're in a holding deal! Holding deal! Steve: Come on.
Do it, Jim.
Jim: 8 grand.
No worries.
Billy, Steve, I think our problems are behind us.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah, man.
You stood up for yourself.
And I ate her out.
Looks like everything turned out pretty good.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think [Cellphone rings] Hey, there, Mike.
- Mike: Jimmy, don't buy anything yet.
- What? Why? Angela left.
She's going to work for a management company.
- The deal's on hold.
- The holding deal's on hold?! - The holding deal's on hold.
- What happened? She left the network.
She's with Got another job.
Don't worry.
There's a new guy coming in.
In a couple of weeks, I'm gonna get you a meeting.
You hang in there, buddy.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm really happy you're here, Jim.
I'm a huge fan.
You're a very funny man.
- You're a family guy? - Yeah.
- Ah, these your kids? - Yes.
- What a handsome bunch of boys these are.
- Uh-huh.
They're on vacation in your country right now.
The Great Barrier Reef have you heard of that place? - I love it there.
Having the time of their life.
- Yeah.
If you don't mind me saying, your wife is a very attractive woman.
- I don't know how I got so lucky.
- Yeah.
- 22 years? - I know.
In Hollywood.
- It just doesn't happen.
- Doesn't happen.
- Yeah.
- You know? I think that's half the reason they hired me here family man.
This is such a relief.
Well, Angela said some pretty amazing things about you.
Think we can work something out, Jim? [Squeaks] I'm gonna have to say no.
I can't I can't be sucking your cock.
I-I can't suck your cock! It's no.
I don't know what you're talking about.