Let's Get Physical (2018) s01e07 Episode Script
Angel Barry
1 [FEMALE ANNOUNCER.]
A Pop Original Series.
[JOE.]
Previously on, "Let's Get Physical".
Dance is a form of healing.
I can't you guys aren't buying this, right? I live with my mom and my life is falling apart! I'm married to a man who just sees what he wants and he takes it.
He bops you over the head and drags you back to his cave? Wow.
[FEMALE NARRATOR.]
And now, the Competitive Aerobic Championship proudly presents - - (BANGING) - - (BANGING) - - (BELL DINGS) (LIGHTSABER ACTIVATES) (EXPLOSION) [FEMALE NARRATOR.]
After Joe's defeat, - he left aerobics to pursue a life of leisure, - [JOE.]
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
while Barry used the victory to build a fitness legacy.
As Joe sunk deeper, - Barry soared higher.
- [BARRY.]
The word, "rivalry" is being used a lot here, - but I don't see it that way.
- To me, this is, uh, a celebration of life.
Are we rivals? Yeah, of course.
- I hate Barry Cross.
He's - Hey, hey buddy.
How do you think you're gonna do? Hm? How you gonna do, you gonna do alright? Didn't mean to interrupt.
Good luck out there.
Woooo! Chubby wubby.
[FEMALE NARRATOR.]
The stage is set, tensions are tight.
Like very tight.
- (EXPLOSION) - Let's get ready to tumble! (APPLAUSE) - Thank you, thank you! - And, wow, thank you, everyone for being here.
Barry, always amazing.
Indeed.
Um, I'd just like to also add, uh, no disrespect to our fellow competitors, but this really is a two-man race.
Joe, so brave.
You are the prodigal son of aerobics.
Welcome back.
- (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) - (SLURRING SPEECH) Thank you, Paula.
Sorry, I did not know we were dressing up for this event.
Now, Joe, the news of your father's death rocked the aerobics community.
We know that you're presenting his CAC Icon Award at the gala tonight, but can you take a moment now to share with us what he meant to you personally? (SLURRING) Yeah, check this out.
Look, he was my dad.
You guys knew him as the Godfather of Aerobics, but he was just my dad, you know? - Ummmmmm - (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) I remember him as a guy who taught me how to ride a bike, who showed me how to fish, ah who showed me how to shave my legs for a performance but I ran away from home to pursue a career that didn't pan out.
It's tough, father-son you know.
You get it.
How's your thing with your dad? - Oh - Yeah, yeah, it's probably good.
- I regret a lot.
I regret - (FUMBLING WITH MICROPHONE) You know, I have regrets.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm good.
- Can we can we get him some water? - Yeah, let's get some water.
- You want something to drink, too? - (SLOW CLAPPING) I'm fine, thank you.
Jean-Claude Van Damme! What a performance! Ah, don't buy any of this sappy, after-school special bullshit.
because this imposter doesn't care about aerobics.
He never respected his father's career like I did.
Most importantly, he doesn't care about you.
But you know who does care about you? Barry f-in' Cross.
Look under your seats.
Who wants a Metbit? - (CHEERING) - You get a Metbit! You get a Metbit! And you get a Metbit! You get a Metbit! You get a Metbit! - (CLATTERING) - You get a Metbit! - (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) - (GROANS) You don't get a Metbit.
I could use that water.
- Let's get physical, physical (GROANING) - Oof.
- (GROANING) I'm not gonna puke.
I won't eww! Oh, snap, yo! I found the goods! Bulk Blast 5000.
He's on a weight-cut cocktail.
Ignitro Cut.
What happened to good old fashioned starvation? Laxatives? Bulimia? I haven't worn a 'tard in years, I wanted to look pretty! - But pretty isn't free! - (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) What the fuck is going on? He's gonna need to sweat this off immediately.
There are things in my blood! I'll distract the press, you sneak him downstairs.
There's a steam room on the second floor.
- Come on, let's go.
- What? - Let's get up.
We're going to the steam room - Where are we going? I'm not ready to take our relationship to that level.
[FEMALE REPORTER.]
What happened to your son? Yeah, will he give the speech at the gala? - (REPORTERS CLAMORING) - No, settle down, settle down everyone.
There's just a perfectly good explanation for all of this.
He will not be coming out right now because clearly, he needs his rest.
Our only son has been tasked with filling the shoes - of a legendary man.
- [JOE.]
Mom! My mom! He came here to prove to the aerobics community that he has what it takes to change his life, and to continue our legacy.
- That dedication - [JOE.]
My mom! has lead to sheer exhaustion, and that's what he's recovering from right now.
Oh, I will be giving the speech at the CAC Gala tonight, but mark my words, Joseph will be dancing tomorrow.
(DISTORTED SPEECH) Okay, can't take this out for one hour.
Huh? ( DISTORTED) You can't take this out for one hour, - or it'll stain your teeth.
- Uh, yeah.
Where are we going? The steam room's the other way.
Uh, we aren't going anywhere.
I am going to get revenge.
Alone, so shoo shoo.
Wow, you are such a jerk when you're on drugs.
- (SIGHS) - Fine, go alone! Alright.
(PILL BOTTLE RATTLING) You want a lesson? Need you.
Hey, come on, Barry.
- (KNOCKING) - (DISTORTED) Who is it? I don't hear nothing.
(GASPS) Maybe they sent us a bottle of champagne! You're a champagning star, Barry! (DOOR CREAKS) Well, well well.
(SLURRED SPEECH) Who here wants to play a game, huh? It's called two truths and a lie.
Barry Cross, I hate your guts, Claudia, I still have feelings for you, and somebody in this room owns half of Fitness by Force, and it's not me.
It's not me, guess who it is.
Oh! You lose! All three of 'em were true! Yeah, your wife has been cheating on you, Barry with her money.
Yeah, she thinks I could beat you in finals, so she's hedging her bets.
She gave me $50,000 for half of my business.
- (LAUGHS) - (DISTORTED) Claudia, is this true? (DISTORTED) Okay, relax, okay, I can explain.
Uh, ah, I can ex uh Argh! (SPEAKING NORMALLY) I can explain.
- (DISTORTED) You betrayed me? - What? (DISTORTED) You betrayed me?! Uh, okay, listen, trust me.
I can explain everything once he leaves.
I know what I'm doing.
Leave? I'm not leaving! This is the greatest moment of my life! This is better than winning anything! (GUFFAWS LOUDLY) - Oh my God! - (THUDS AND GROANS) (DISTORTED) What a loser.
(GROANING CONTINUES) (EERIE MUSIC) (GASPS) (FOOTSTEPS) Dad? (KNOCKING) Son! 05:00 wake up call for finals.
Time for body and bag inspection.
Oh no, I'm dead! I'm dead! I wish.
- Oh my God! - Don't ask me, this is your dream.
Oh, so I'm dreaming? Even though you're dressed like an angel, I'm not dead? I'm dressed like an angel because your brain is a turd.
And right now you're passed out on a hotel room floor soaked in a puddle of your own piss.
- Ah, that makes sense.
- Pay attention.
This is a journey of self-exploration, Joe.
One that will allow you to examine various versions of your life.
Past, present and future.
Welcome to your past.
Oh my God! Later today, you lose to, well (CHUCKLES) me.
Oh, this is the finals! Right! Oh yeah, and I was gonna propose to Claudia if I had won.
Yeah, we know how this one turns out, don't we.
A pawned ring, decades of self-destructive debauchery.
Would you care to see how your life would turn out had you won that day? - I don't know, Barry, would I? - (MOCKINGLY) I don't know, Joe, would you? - (MOCKINGLY) Yeah, I probably would.
- (MOCKINGLY) Yeah, you probably would.
(NORMAL VOICE) Shut up! Are you ready? (MAGIC SOUND) What is this? This is how we step into time.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- [HARMONIZING.]
Here we go! - [HARMONIZING.]
Here we go! Why am I singing?! (INTENSE WHIMSICAL MUSIC) (SIGH) Sacrilege, this hurts me just lookin' at it.
What is this? [ANGEL.]
I just told you.
This is your life if you had won when we were teenagers.
- - (ARROGANT CHUCKLE) Hey, babe, Davey and Posh Beckham are wondering if we're doing another fitness camp - at Burning Man.
- (SCOFFS) [CLAUDIA.]
It really helped to boost our social media presence but it wasn't worth dealing with those dirty hippies.
- Yeah.
- [CLAUDIA.]
Can we go to Cannes instead? - Sure, just keep me away from the bread.
- Mmm.
French gluten'll be the death of me.
I win one stupid aerobics competition - and I turn into a fitness douche bag? - (CLAUDIA GIGGLES) Uh, Mr.
Force, excuse me is n-n-n-n now a good time for me to p-p-p polish your t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t trophies? - (CLAUDIA SIGHS) - Go ahead - (CLAUDIA GIGGLES) - but don't look at us.
(MOANING AND GIGGLING) (LAUGHS) If I had won, I'd be married to Claudia, I'd have a successful gym and you'd be my stuttering man-servant? Yes, uh, things, uh, took a downhill turn for me - after I lost to you.
- Oh.
- You have to check me into rehab, twice, - Ooh.
- for sniffing glue.
- (JOE CHUCKLES) But I do credit your best-selling book, Force of Habit, - for being my fitness mantra - (CLAUDIA LAUGHING AND MOANING) and changing my life.
And I'm a best-selling author.
Oh, man! (LAUGHING) Oh, ooh, can I see your timeline? - Uh (SIGHS) - Please, Angel Barry, I just wanna see your lowest low.
Did you give hand jobs for glue money? Who told?! This is about you.
Fine, I'll just stay here and watch me have sex with your wife.
Get on the stepper, asshole, it's time to see what happens to your future if you lose tomorrow.
No! I wanna watch me do it.
I can make you shit yourself with one snap of my fingers.
- Yeah? Okay, do it.
Oh, you can? - Yeah, I can do it.
- Oh, you can? Oh, yeah? Yeah, go for it.
- Yeah, I will do it.
Do you want me to snap my fingers? - You're gonna shit your pants.
- Oh, yeah, ha-ha.
- (SNAPS) - (FARTING) Ah! Ah! Ahh, man there's so much! Fine I'll do it, just snap it away please.
- (SNAP AND MAGICAL FLOURISH) - (SIGH) Ah, thank you.
- (SIGHING) - Five, six, seven, eight.
(INTENSE WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Oh, this isn't so bad.
Huh.
Do I move here and start at life of folk music, fishing and full-breasted country bumpkins? Oh, you don't live here.
This is your future if you don't make it to finals tomorrow.
This fresh air.
That Joe Force restraining order.
- I can finally breathe again.
- (CLAUDIA SIGHS) - Restraining order? - Just watch.
This break is giving me time to think about our future.
- It's not too late to try again.
- A child? Yes, a Cross-bred fitness god, let's do it right here under the warmth of the sun.
Did you just bring me to watch your date? Watch.
(INTENSE MUSIC) - (CLATTERS) - (GASPS) (KISS) - - (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES) - What? - Look at you.
Look at what you've become.
What'd I do to my hair? - (CLAUDIA SCREAMING) - [BARRY.]
Run! - Okay.
Okay.
- (BOTH PANTING) Nothing can harm us now.
- (INTENSE FLOURISH) - (GASP AND SCREAMING) It all could of been different Mr.
Cross.
You shoulda just let nature take its course.
It will in the end anyhow.
- So open the car.
- (WHIMPERS) - Open the fucking car! - (SCREAMING) - (POUNDING) - Drive! Drive! I turn into a psychopath?! - (SCREAMING) - (POUNDING) No, no, no, no.
Make it stop, take me away! [BARRY.]
Nooo! (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Honestly, Angel Barry, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
This is the last step, Joe.
This is your future if you win tomorrow.
It is such an honor to host the CAC Gala 2039 just like my dearest Mummy Wintrest before me.
Tonight we are here to honor the man who ushered in a new era of aerobics, Joe Force.
(APPLAUSE) Oh wow.
I look pretty good for an old guy.
And to present this life time achievement award I'd like to welcome to the stage, his best friend, Barry Cross.
- Thank you, thank you.
- (APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING) What? Why do you look the same? I know, I look great don't I? Seminal retention.
Holyfield versus Tyson, Kerrigan versus Harding, - a bloody ear, a busted kneecap, - (CROWD MURMURS) rivalries can bring out the worst in us.
God, you are boring, even in the future.
Now, 20 years ago, I lost to my own doughboy.
Mmm, you pudgy.
And that day changed our lives forever.
You see, my cookie dough loving friend here he pushed me the right way and together we elevated the game we love, competitive aerobics, to the next level and I'm gonna be honest with you.
Joe went through some major hard times.
Aww, come on, what happened to old Joe? Cataracts, early onset dementia, incontinence, sprained ankle.
Eight failed marriages.
- Wow, I got married eight times? - (FUTURE BARRY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Yeah, divorced ten.
And of course the infamous penis accident of 2024.
- Oh no, what happened to my dick? - There was a rattle snake.
But here he is, non-responsive non-communicative, no idea why he's here, where he is, who you are and yet here he is.
- What about you, did anything bad happen to you? - No.
Tonight, I celebrate us.
In taking your hand, forever champions! (ROARING APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you.
Um, are you gonna say anything actually positive about him? - This is this is his award.
- Yes.
Uh, um, oh.
Yeah, uh, big guy This is for you, take it! Uh, check him cause I think I smell a poopy, 'Kay? - (CLAPPING) - (APPLAUSE) So, my future's terrible no matter what? Your future is what you make of it, Joe.
So don't be a bitch.
(SIGHS) Barry, why are you so hard on me? I'm hard on you - because I'm your best friend.
- What? Why are you shaking me? (SCREAMING) What was that? (GASPS) Barry Cross is my best friend! - (SLAPS) - Argh! God, Mom, I'm awake! Well, that's not why I hit you.
I am tired of your antics, Joseph, you've become a liability.
- Mom, you're overreacting.
- Oh, really? Well, Tina found you passed out in Barry's room she had to drag your limp body through the kitchen so that the press didn't see you.
You're a good friend.
Huh.
Where are you going? I'm getting ready for my speech! Absolutely not! We have too much on the line.
If Barry even senses any weakness he'll just pounce again.
Mom, I've got this.
I just got back from my spiritual journey with Barry.
- (SCOFFS) - We're good now! Well, you are absolutely not speaking tonight.
Unless I die between now and the gala I am giving a speech! Fine! One jumbled sentence and I will have Mrs.
Winters rip that microphone out of your hand.
Damn right I will.
You can rip whatever you want.
- (CHUCKLES) - (CRASHES) - He's a mess! - I can get him out of it, I just need charcoal, cayenne pepper and a turkey baster.
- A turkey baster? - Yep.
- Joseph, that's not a toilet.
- (STRAINING) - (STRAINING AND FARTING) - Oh! - (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) - Thank you, Seattle Superbodies.
Oh, so great, another Dancetarian for you shelves.
Their aerobics programs in Filipino prisons are inspiring inmates around the world.
Now, I know it's getting late, and everyone needs to rest up for the finals tomorrow.
So, without further ado, I would like to introduce our last speaker to the stage.
Joe Force will be accepting the CAC Icon Award on behalf of his father, the dearly beloved Colonel Force.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING) Thank you.
Biting someone's ear off.
Smashing knee caps.
Cookie dough.
Those are the things I think about when I think about - Barry Cross.
- Um, are you okay, - because your mother told me Okay.
- Yeah.
No, I'm fine, I just I'm - Okay.
- I'm going through with this.
My father was a, ah, juggernaut.
The King of Aerobics.
The most important man in the history of our sport.
But, he faced competition.
But what did he do about it? - He said bring it the fuck on! - (CROWD MURMURS IN SHOCK AND AGREEMENT) Because he knew that competition made him stronger.
Well, what did I do, huh? Huh, what did I do, Dad? I lost one time, and I ran away from home.
(CLICKS MOUTH) I, uh, started a terrible band, built a bar in my car, had sex with a lot of women that I know regret it, and, uh, lived off of a potato-based diet for years and whiskey, and rum, I mean, a lot of alcohol, and drugs.
It's not it's not my point.
My point is, people say that when starting aerobics, all you have to do is learn how to take the first step.
So, I'm gonna do that tonight.
(SIGHS) I'm gonna invite my rival, my friend, Barry Cross, to the stage.
Barry Cross, ladies and gentlemen.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, WHISTLING AND WHOOPING) You see, aerobics is not about fighting.
It's about using competition to make yourself better.
(AUDIENCE MURMURS APPROVAL) To Colonel Tom Force, the King of Aerobics.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) Hear that? It's a freight train.
It's coming straight for ya.
I'm gonna mow you down and have sex with your wife.
Choo-choo! (LAUGHING) You son of a bitch.
I hate you.
Your father hated you.
Your mother's gonna hate you when I beat you.
You know what? I'm gonna put her to work for me in my juice bar, tight clothes, 20-year-old douche bags objectifying her from morning to night.
She's gonna reek of codfish liver oil.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Let's get ready to tumble! - (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) - (KNOCKING) Hey.
We need to talk.
- Come in.
- Barry won't speak to me.
(SIGHS) He's turned off his phone, moved into a new suite, locked himself into his portable hyperbolic chamber.
(SIGHS) Oh, no.
How could he? I don't know, I Oh, don't even pretend like you care.
You're the reason that this has all happened.
You stormed into my room and dropped a bomb on my marriage, and now I'm never gonna win my husband back.
I'm sorry, I was high on diet pills.
Oh, this is why I don't help people because when you help people things get messy.
(BOTH SIGH) - What is this? - Oh, um, I'm rehearsing my finals performance.
It's amazing.
I'm sure.
Do you need a place to stay? No, I just Don't do that.
Stop Don't! You always do that shit.
(CLAUDIA SIGHS) So, why are you here? Because I can't control either of you idiots.
(SIGHS) But, I can help you win this thing.
If everything goes south, and I get divorced after all this, I am gonna need that money more than you do.
Oh - Really? - Divorces are expensive.
(SIGHS) So So, what? So, show me what you got.
Huh oh, my - Oh, my routine.
- Mmm.
- (LAUGHING) Oh, right, okay.
Here we go again.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
- Here, sit down.
Sit.
- Okay, go (CHUCKLES) - (SIGHS) - Okay, and I got these, a little muzak.
(ROCK MUSIC) [JOE VOICE-OVER.]
On the next Let's Get Physical What is it gonna take for you two to stay on your marks? Colonel's got millions a dollars.
You sold half our gym to Claudia?! You two-faced, skanky waif.
Stay until the end of the finals, and then we'll figure it out.
I'm gonna give the greatest losing performance anyone has ever seen.
Holy shit, I'm gonna win.
(SQUEAKY VOICE) Grandma's house.
A Pop Original Series.
[JOE.]
Previously on, "Let's Get Physical".
Dance is a form of healing.
I can't you guys aren't buying this, right? I live with my mom and my life is falling apart! I'm married to a man who just sees what he wants and he takes it.
He bops you over the head and drags you back to his cave? Wow.
[FEMALE NARRATOR.]
And now, the Competitive Aerobic Championship proudly presents - - (BANGING) - - (BANGING) - - (BELL DINGS) (LIGHTSABER ACTIVATES) (EXPLOSION) [FEMALE NARRATOR.]
After Joe's defeat, - he left aerobics to pursue a life of leisure, - [JOE.]
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
while Barry used the victory to build a fitness legacy.
As Joe sunk deeper, - Barry soared higher.
- [BARRY.]
The word, "rivalry" is being used a lot here, - but I don't see it that way.
- To me, this is, uh, a celebration of life.
Are we rivals? Yeah, of course.
- I hate Barry Cross.
He's - Hey, hey buddy.
How do you think you're gonna do? Hm? How you gonna do, you gonna do alright? Didn't mean to interrupt.
Good luck out there.
Woooo! Chubby wubby.
[FEMALE NARRATOR.]
The stage is set, tensions are tight.
Like very tight.
- (EXPLOSION) - Let's get ready to tumble! (APPLAUSE) - Thank you, thank you! - And, wow, thank you, everyone for being here.
Barry, always amazing.
Indeed.
Um, I'd just like to also add, uh, no disrespect to our fellow competitors, but this really is a two-man race.
Joe, so brave.
You are the prodigal son of aerobics.
Welcome back.
- (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) - (SLURRING SPEECH) Thank you, Paula.
Sorry, I did not know we were dressing up for this event.
Now, Joe, the news of your father's death rocked the aerobics community.
We know that you're presenting his CAC Icon Award at the gala tonight, but can you take a moment now to share with us what he meant to you personally? (SLURRING) Yeah, check this out.
Look, he was my dad.
You guys knew him as the Godfather of Aerobics, but he was just my dad, you know? - Ummmmmm - (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) I remember him as a guy who taught me how to ride a bike, who showed me how to fish, ah who showed me how to shave my legs for a performance but I ran away from home to pursue a career that didn't pan out.
It's tough, father-son you know.
You get it.
How's your thing with your dad? - Oh - Yeah, yeah, it's probably good.
- I regret a lot.
I regret - (FUMBLING WITH MICROPHONE) You know, I have regrets.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm good.
- Can we can we get him some water? - Yeah, let's get some water.
- You want something to drink, too? - (SLOW CLAPPING) I'm fine, thank you.
Jean-Claude Van Damme! What a performance! Ah, don't buy any of this sappy, after-school special bullshit.
because this imposter doesn't care about aerobics.
He never respected his father's career like I did.
Most importantly, he doesn't care about you.
But you know who does care about you? Barry f-in' Cross.
Look under your seats.
Who wants a Metbit? - (CHEERING) - You get a Metbit! You get a Metbit! And you get a Metbit! You get a Metbit! You get a Metbit! - (CLATTERING) - You get a Metbit! - (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) - (GROANS) You don't get a Metbit.
I could use that water.
- Let's get physical, physical (GROANING) - Oof.
- (GROANING) I'm not gonna puke.
I won't eww! Oh, snap, yo! I found the goods! Bulk Blast 5000.
He's on a weight-cut cocktail.
Ignitro Cut.
What happened to good old fashioned starvation? Laxatives? Bulimia? I haven't worn a 'tard in years, I wanted to look pretty! - But pretty isn't free! - (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) What the fuck is going on? He's gonna need to sweat this off immediately.
There are things in my blood! I'll distract the press, you sneak him downstairs.
There's a steam room on the second floor.
- Come on, let's go.
- What? - Let's get up.
We're going to the steam room - Where are we going? I'm not ready to take our relationship to that level.
[FEMALE REPORTER.]
What happened to your son? Yeah, will he give the speech at the gala? - (REPORTERS CLAMORING) - No, settle down, settle down everyone.
There's just a perfectly good explanation for all of this.
He will not be coming out right now because clearly, he needs his rest.
Our only son has been tasked with filling the shoes - of a legendary man.
- [JOE.]
Mom! My mom! He came here to prove to the aerobics community that he has what it takes to change his life, and to continue our legacy.
- That dedication - [JOE.]
My mom! has lead to sheer exhaustion, and that's what he's recovering from right now.
Oh, I will be giving the speech at the CAC Gala tonight, but mark my words, Joseph will be dancing tomorrow.
(DISTORTED SPEECH) Okay, can't take this out for one hour.
Huh? ( DISTORTED) You can't take this out for one hour, - or it'll stain your teeth.
- Uh, yeah.
Where are we going? The steam room's the other way.
Uh, we aren't going anywhere.
I am going to get revenge.
Alone, so shoo shoo.
Wow, you are such a jerk when you're on drugs.
- (SIGHS) - Fine, go alone! Alright.
(PILL BOTTLE RATTLING) You want a lesson? Need you.
Hey, come on, Barry.
- (KNOCKING) - (DISTORTED) Who is it? I don't hear nothing.
(GASPS) Maybe they sent us a bottle of champagne! You're a champagning star, Barry! (DOOR CREAKS) Well, well well.
(SLURRED SPEECH) Who here wants to play a game, huh? It's called two truths and a lie.
Barry Cross, I hate your guts, Claudia, I still have feelings for you, and somebody in this room owns half of Fitness by Force, and it's not me.
It's not me, guess who it is.
Oh! You lose! All three of 'em were true! Yeah, your wife has been cheating on you, Barry with her money.
Yeah, she thinks I could beat you in finals, so she's hedging her bets.
She gave me $50,000 for half of my business.
- (LAUGHS) - (DISTORTED) Claudia, is this true? (DISTORTED) Okay, relax, okay, I can explain.
Uh, ah, I can ex uh Argh! (SPEAKING NORMALLY) I can explain.
- (DISTORTED) You betrayed me? - What? (DISTORTED) You betrayed me?! Uh, okay, listen, trust me.
I can explain everything once he leaves.
I know what I'm doing.
Leave? I'm not leaving! This is the greatest moment of my life! This is better than winning anything! (GUFFAWS LOUDLY) - Oh my God! - (THUDS AND GROANS) (DISTORTED) What a loser.
(GROANING CONTINUES) (EERIE MUSIC) (GASPS) (FOOTSTEPS) Dad? (KNOCKING) Son! 05:00 wake up call for finals.
Time for body and bag inspection.
Oh no, I'm dead! I'm dead! I wish.
- Oh my God! - Don't ask me, this is your dream.
Oh, so I'm dreaming? Even though you're dressed like an angel, I'm not dead? I'm dressed like an angel because your brain is a turd.
And right now you're passed out on a hotel room floor soaked in a puddle of your own piss.
- Ah, that makes sense.
- Pay attention.
This is a journey of self-exploration, Joe.
One that will allow you to examine various versions of your life.
Past, present and future.
Welcome to your past.
Oh my God! Later today, you lose to, well (CHUCKLES) me.
Oh, this is the finals! Right! Oh yeah, and I was gonna propose to Claudia if I had won.
Yeah, we know how this one turns out, don't we.
A pawned ring, decades of self-destructive debauchery.
Would you care to see how your life would turn out had you won that day? - I don't know, Barry, would I? - (MOCKINGLY) I don't know, Joe, would you? - (MOCKINGLY) Yeah, I probably would.
- (MOCKINGLY) Yeah, you probably would.
(NORMAL VOICE) Shut up! Are you ready? (MAGIC SOUND) What is this? This is how we step into time.
Five, six, seven, eight.
- [HARMONIZING.]
Here we go! - [HARMONIZING.]
Here we go! Why am I singing?! (INTENSE WHIMSICAL MUSIC) (SIGH) Sacrilege, this hurts me just lookin' at it.
What is this? [ANGEL.]
I just told you.
This is your life if you had won when we were teenagers.
- - (ARROGANT CHUCKLE) Hey, babe, Davey and Posh Beckham are wondering if we're doing another fitness camp - at Burning Man.
- (SCOFFS) [CLAUDIA.]
It really helped to boost our social media presence but it wasn't worth dealing with those dirty hippies.
- Yeah.
- [CLAUDIA.]
Can we go to Cannes instead? - Sure, just keep me away from the bread.
- Mmm.
French gluten'll be the death of me.
I win one stupid aerobics competition - and I turn into a fitness douche bag? - (CLAUDIA GIGGLES) Uh, Mr.
Force, excuse me is n-n-n-n now a good time for me to p-p-p polish your t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t trophies? - (CLAUDIA SIGHS) - Go ahead - (CLAUDIA GIGGLES) - but don't look at us.
(MOANING AND GIGGLING) (LAUGHS) If I had won, I'd be married to Claudia, I'd have a successful gym and you'd be my stuttering man-servant? Yes, uh, things, uh, took a downhill turn for me - after I lost to you.
- Oh.
- You have to check me into rehab, twice, - Ooh.
- for sniffing glue.
- (JOE CHUCKLES) But I do credit your best-selling book, Force of Habit, - for being my fitness mantra - (CLAUDIA LAUGHING AND MOANING) and changing my life.
And I'm a best-selling author.
Oh, man! (LAUGHING) Oh, ooh, can I see your timeline? - Uh (SIGHS) - Please, Angel Barry, I just wanna see your lowest low.
Did you give hand jobs for glue money? Who told?! This is about you.
Fine, I'll just stay here and watch me have sex with your wife.
Get on the stepper, asshole, it's time to see what happens to your future if you lose tomorrow.
No! I wanna watch me do it.
I can make you shit yourself with one snap of my fingers.
- Yeah? Okay, do it.
Oh, you can? - Yeah, I can do it.
- Oh, you can? Oh, yeah? Yeah, go for it.
- Yeah, I will do it.
Do you want me to snap my fingers? - You're gonna shit your pants.
- Oh, yeah, ha-ha.
- (SNAPS) - (FARTING) Ah! Ah! Ahh, man there's so much! Fine I'll do it, just snap it away please.
- (SNAP AND MAGICAL FLOURISH) - (SIGH) Ah, thank you.
- (SIGHING) - Five, six, seven, eight.
(INTENSE WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Oh, this isn't so bad.
Huh.
Do I move here and start at life of folk music, fishing and full-breasted country bumpkins? Oh, you don't live here.
This is your future if you don't make it to finals tomorrow.
This fresh air.
That Joe Force restraining order.
- I can finally breathe again.
- (CLAUDIA SIGHS) - Restraining order? - Just watch.
This break is giving me time to think about our future.
- It's not too late to try again.
- A child? Yes, a Cross-bred fitness god, let's do it right here under the warmth of the sun.
Did you just bring me to watch your date? Watch.
(INTENSE MUSIC) - (CLATTERS) - (GASPS) (KISS) - - (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING CONTINUES) - What? - Look at you.
Look at what you've become.
What'd I do to my hair? - (CLAUDIA SCREAMING) - [BARRY.]
Run! - Okay.
Okay.
- (BOTH PANTING) Nothing can harm us now.
- (INTENSE FLOURISH) - (GASP AND SCREAMING) It all could of been different Mr.
Cross.
You shoulda just let nature take its course.
It will in the end anyhow.
- So open the car.
- (WHIMPERS) - Open the fucking car! - (SCREAMING) - (POUNDING) - Drive! Drive! I turn into a psychopath?! - (SCREAMING) - (POUNDING) No, no, no, no.
Make it stop, take me away! [BARRY.]
Nooo! (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Honestly, Angel Barry, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
This is the last step, Joe.
This is your future if you win tomorrow.
It is such an honor to host the CAC Gala 2039 just like my dearest Mummy Wintrest before me.
Tonight we are here to honor the man who ushered in a new era of aerobics, Joe Force.
(APPLAUSE) Oh wow.
I look pretty good for an old guy.
And to present this life time achievement award I'd like to welcome to the stage, his best friend, Barry Cross.
- Thank you, thank you.
- (APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING) What? Why do you look the same? I know, I look great don't I? Seminal retention.
Holyfield versus Tyson, Kerrigan versus Harding, - a bloody ear, a busted kneecap, - (CROWD MURMURS) rivalries can bring out the worst in us.
God, you are boring, even in the future.
Now, 20 years ago, I lost to my own doughboy.
Mmm, you pudgy.
And that day changed our lives forever.
You see, my cookie dough loving friend here he pushed me the right way and together we elevated the game we love, competitive aerobics, to the next level and I'm gonna be honest with you.
Joe went through some major hard times.
Aww, come on, what happened to old Joe? Cataracts, early onset dementia, incontinence, sprained ankle.
Eight failed marriages.
- Wow, I got married eight times? - (FUTURE BARRY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Yeah, divorced ten.
And of course the infamous penis accident of 2024.
- Oh no, what happened to my dick? - There was a rattle snake.
But here he is, non-responsive non-communicative, no idea why he's here, where he is, who you are and yet here he is.
- What about you, did anything bad happen to you? - No.
Tonight, I celebrate us.
In taking your hand, forever champions! (ROARING APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you.
Um, are you gonna say anything actually positive about him? - This is this is his award.
- Yes.
Uh, um, oh.
Yeah, uh, big guy This is for you, take it! Uh, check him cause I think I smell a poopy, 'Kay? - (CLAPPING) - (APPLAUSE) So, my future's terrible no matter what? Your future is what you make of it, Joe.
So don't be a bitch.
(SIGHS) Barry, why are you so hard on me? I'm hard on you - because I'm your best friend.
- What? Why are you shaking me? (SCREAMING) What was that? (GASPS) Barry Cross is my best friend! - (SLAPS) - Argh! God, Mom, I'm awake! Well, that's not why I hit you.
I am tired of your antics, Joseph, you've become a liability.
- Mom, you're overreacting.
- Oh, really? Well, Tina found you passed out in Barry's room she had to drag your limp body through the kitchen so that the press didn't see you.
You're a good friend.
Huh.
Where are you going? I'm getting ready for my speech! Absolutely not! We have too much on the line.
If Barry even senses any weakness he'll just pounce again.
Mom, I've got this.
I just got back from my spiritual journey with Barry.
- (SCOFFS) - We're good now! Well, you are absolutely not speaking tonight.
Unless I die between now and the gala I am giving a speech! Fine! One jumbled sentence and I will have Mrs.
Winters rip that microphone out of your hand.
Damn right I will.
You can rip whatever you want.
- (CHUCKLES) - (CRASHES) - He's a mess! - I can get him out of it, I just need charcoal, cayenne pepper and a turkey baster.
- A turkey baster? - Yep.
- Joseph, that's not a toilet.
- (STRAINING) - (STRAINING AND FARTING) - Oh! - (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) - Thank you, Seattle Superbodies.
Oh, so great, another Dancetarian for you shelves.
Their aerobics programs in Filipino prisons are inspiring inmates around the world.
Now, I know it's getting late, and everyone needs to rest up for the finals tomorrow.
So, without further ado, I would like to introduce our last speaker to the stage.
Joe Force will be accepting the CAC Icon Award on behalf of his father, the dearly beloved Colonel Force.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING) Thank you.
Biting someone's ear off.
Smashing knee caps.
Cookie dough.
Those are the things I think about when I think about - Barry Cross.
- Um, are you okay, - because your mother told me Okay.
- Yeah.
No, I'm fine, I just I'm - Okay.
- I'm going through with this.
My father was a, ah, juggernaut.
The King of Aerobics.
The most important man in the history of our sport.
But, he faced competition.
But what did he do about it? - He said bring it the fuck on! - (CROWD MURMURS IN SHOCK AND AGREEMENT) Because he knew that competition made him stronger.
Well, what did I do, huh? Huh, what did I do, Dad? I lost one time, and I ran away from home.
(CLICKS MOUTH) I, uh, started a terrible band, built a bar in my car, had sex with a lot of women that I know regret it, and, uh, lived off of a potato-based diet for years and whiskey, and rum, I mean, a lot of alcohol, and drugs.
It's not it's not my point.
My point is, people say that when starting aerobics, all you have to do is learn how to take the first step.
So, I'm gonna do that tonight.
(SIGHS) I'm gonna invite my rival, my friend, Barry Cross, to the stage.
Barry Cross, ladies and gentlemen.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, WHISTLING AND WHOOPING) You see, aerobics is not about fighting.
It's about using competition to make yourself better.
(AUDIENCE MURMURS APPROVAL) To Colonel Tom Force, the King of Aerobics.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) Hear that? It's a freight train.
It's coming straight for ya.
I'm gonna mow you down and have sex with your wife.
Choo-choo! (LAUGHING) You son of a bitch.
I hate you.
Your father hated you.
Your mother's gonna hate you when I beat you.
You know what? I'm gonna put her to work for me in my juice bar, tight clothes, 20-year-old douche bags objectifying her from morning to night.
She's gonna reek of codfish liver oil.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Let's get ready to tumble! - (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) - (KNOCKING) Hey.
We need to talk.
- Come in.
- Barry won't speak to me.
(SIGHS) He's turned off his phone, moved into a new suite, locked himself into his portable hyperbolic chamber.
(SIGHS) Oh, no.
How could he? I don't know, I Oh, don't even pretend like you care.
You're the reason that this has all happened.
You stormed into my room and dropped a bomb on my marriage, and now I'm never gonna win my husband back.
I'm sorry, I was high on diet pills.
Oh, this is why I don't help people because when you help people things get messy.
(BOTH SIGH) - What is this? - Oh, um, I'm rehearsing my finals performance.
It's amazing.
I'm sure.
Do you need a place to stay? No, I just Don't do that.
Stop Don't! You always do that shit.
(CLAUDIA SIGHS) So, why are you here? Because I can't control either of you idiots.
(SIGHS) But, I can help you win this thing.
If everything goes south, and I get divorced after all this, I am gonna need that money more than you do.
Oh - Really? - Divorces are expensive.
(SIGHS) So So, what? So, show me what you got.
Huh oh, my - Oh, my routine.
- Mmm.
- (LAUGHING) Oh, right, okay.
Here we go again.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
- Here, sit down.
Sit.
- Okay, go (CHUCKLES) - (SIGHS) - Okay, and I got these, a little muzak.
(ROCK MUSIC) [JOE VOICE-OVER.]
On the next Let's Get Physical What is it gonna take for you two to stay on your marks? Colonel's got millions a dollars.
You sold half our gym to Claudia?! You two-faced, skanky waif.
Stay until the end of the finals, and then we'll figure it out.
I'm gonna give the greatest losing performance anyone has ever seen.
Holy shit, I'm gonna win.
(SQUEAKY VOICE) Grandma's house.