Life with Boys (2011) s01e19 Episode Script
Smokin' with Boys
Are you nuts? You're travelling through time again? Your molecules can't handle it! We talked about this! It's the only chance I have to be with my Jenny again! But Dylan, it's crazy! It's not crazy, it's love.
Is it over? Allie, I have to go to the bathroom.
You can't go now.
What if his molecules explode? If I don't go now, my molecules will explode.
Oh, you had to get us the jumbo drinks, didn't ya? It was 25 cents more for twice as much.
How could I pass that up? Shh! Is it over? Would you just go! Here? Oh, right, the bathroom.
Okay.
Video chat me.
Shh! Is it over? I know everything about you.
Oh! Whoopsie! Come on, we had a deal.
Yeah, I know, but No buts.
You help me raise my science grade, and I help you raise your rep.
Don't be such a wimp! I am not a wimp.
Then prove it, dude.
Light one up.
Whoa, look, I said I wanted to be cool.
Can't I just, I don't know, maybe like mess my hair up a little bit? Untuck my shirt? Pull my pants down, show a little undie? That says "outlaw.
" No, that says you're a skinny dork who wears tighty-whities.
Hey, you wanna be a nerd forever, that's fine by me.
I'm done.
No, wait! Give me the cigarette.
Dart, tar-bar, whatever you kids are calling them! Feels like I'm caught in the middle Drama comes with every new day So far to fall Walking the tightrope But I wouldn't have it any other way We're gonna put one foot in front of the other Get tripped up and step on one another We move ahead and try to keep it on track 'Cause we know we got each other's back Don't need to fight it No need to deny It's a crazy life, a random life A wonderful life Samuel Joseph Foster! Are you insane?! I'm not smoking! Right, Travis? Later, dude.
Wrestling team? Weird enough.
Using the guys' room? Whoa.
So, what movie are you seeing? Is that a new top? Your hair looks great today! See you at home.
Don't even think about it.
Smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body.
Not true! A diet heavy in saturated fats and salt can take years off your life.
Think about that, Miss Large Buttered Popcorn.
Sam, please.
Look, I know it's bad.
I don't want to do it, but if that's what it takes for me to not be a nerd anymore, I have to do it! Sam, you're not a nerd.
You're nerd ish.
But you'll grow out of it if you live long enough, which you won't if you smoke! Please, it's not like I'm gonna smoke that much.
It's just that Travis Travis is a jerk.
Correction, he's a cool jerk.
Which is what I'm going to be.
The cool part, not the jerk part.
Starting now.
Okay, starting now.
Get out of my way, I'm an outlaw! Ugh! Ooo, ooo, aaa, aaa! Caw, caw! What? You get to do it and I can't? I'm eight.
When I do it, it's cute.
When you do it, it's a little bit embarrassing.
Point made.
Take two.
Hey, look at that! That is one good-looking diorama.
Better? You're trying, that's the important thing.
Spence, I gotta say, this is going to make everyone in your class totally jealous.
You think so? Sure.
I mean, you're not done yet, are you? Uh-oh.
What? I'm talking a couple little tweaks.
Some fine-tuning.
You'll hardly notice.
Well, this all has to go.
Here we go again.
I'm gonna take that, too.
Whoa, slow down there, buddy.
You can't put a gazelle by the river.
The lion'll eat him.
What lion? Haven't put him in yet.
Come on, Dad.
I thought I was supposed to be doing this project.
All right, sorry.
I mean, I should just be helping you do the things that you want to do.
Thank you.
So, is there anything else you want to do? I want to put the gazelle by the river.
Huge mistake! I mean, look, the gazelle's looking awfully vulnerable to a lion attack.
"Rowr!" All right, no lion.
But, uh, is there anything else you want to add? No.
Really? Not even a little native village? Not too big, just a little one.
Aw, come on, we are a crucial part of the whole "circle of life" thing.
Want a village for my baby Village for my baby Right here I'll go get the toothpicks.
Yes! We're going to need a bigger box.
But the movie wasn't over yet! Who cares? I have a major problem here! So did Dylan! His unstable molecules are aging too fast, and he's getting an old man saggy butt! And I don't know about you but for this girl, that's a real turn-off.
And so is smoking, which a person in the real world, with all his molecules intact, is doing.
What are you getting mad at me for? Just call your dad, rat out your brother, problemo el Salvador! I can't.
My stupid brothers and I have a zero-tolerance ratting policy.
Who's the idiot that came up with that one? Me.
You? I accidentally dropped my dad's cell in the toilet.
A no-ratting policy seemed like a good idea at the time.
Come on, Travis.
Let's go out back and grab a tar-dart.
Tar-bar.
Tar-bar.
You know, like a digger.
Dagger.
Stop correcting me! Great, Sam is going to keep smoking no matter what I say.
I can't tell my dad! I don't know what to do.
There's Gabe.
He'll be able to talk Sam out of this.
Great, he's in "babe mode".
"Babe Mode"? When he's on the hunt, he blocks everything else out.
That's ridiculous.
Oh, really? Watch.
Gabe.
Gabe.
Gabe.
Cockroach in your smoothie.
Gabe.
Gabe.
Gabe.
See? He's like a blond, self-absorbed laser with chemically enhanced white teeth.
Amazing, but relax.
I mean, he has to take a break from "babe Mode" eventually.
You're right.
This is too important.
I'll just have to wait him out.
Yeah, I had a great time too, babe.
Gabe.
So, what you want to do tomorrow? Gabe I want to do whatever you want to do.
Gabe And I want to do what you want to do.
Gabe, Gabe.
No, you decide.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe I'm on my way to your locker right now.
Gabe.
No, I can't wait to see you more.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
Tess, Tess, Tess.
Tess! By the time Gabe gets out of "babe mode" Sam's gonna be talking like this.
Wow.
You could be my Aunt Roberta.
Well, if you add a bad wig, that slaps her in the face when she turns her head too hard.
"Hey, Aunt Roberta!" "What?" Wah-pssh! But look, if Sam is dumb enough to smoke, he's dumb enough to get caught, right? Allie, that's a brilliant idea.
Thank you.
You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? No.
I'm going to make sure the dummy gets caught.
And I thought of that? I mean, and I thought of that! How exactly did I think we were going to do it? Easy.
We're going to get a "tar-dart from Travis, plant it on Sam and make sure my dad catches him with it.
But Travis is never going to give you a cigarette.
He hates you.
You're forgetting the second part of your brilliant idea.
Mmm-mm! What's shakin', man.
Yeah.
Yo, Travis, my man.
What's poppin'? What's goin' down? What's crack-a-lackin'? Really? Sorry, bro.
I don't know what I'm sayin', man.
I'm stressed out.
Razor's edge.
I haven't sung that ciggy-song in a while, if you catch my drift.
No, I don't.
I'm having a nic-fit.
I need to take a dive into the puff pool.
You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down? No! Just give me a cigarette, man! I need it! I need it bad! Listen, quiet, you're gonna get us both thrown out of school.
Okay.
Here.
Now, get away from me! Thanks, Travis, you da man.
Travie, yeah.
Allie, did you get it? Of course I did.
I was brilliant.
Now, here, take it.
I think I knocked 20 minutes off my life just holding it.
Be careful.
You know how much I need this.
Tess? You don't understand! This isn't mine.
Then whose is it? Travis's.
If it's Travis's, then why do you have it? Because I can't tell you.
Then, I want you straight home after school.
We're gonna sit down and talk about this.
Uh, correction, you're gonna sit and I'm gonna stand.
And pace.
That's right, you've pushed me to standing and pacing.
No, wait.
Why should you be so comfortable? I'm gonna sit, and you're gonna stand.
Think about that.
Wow, you're right.
When he gets mad, that vein in his neck really does pop out.
I mean, it's like "ga-doong, ga-doong, ga-doong".
This is so wrong.
What? You think it's more of a ka-thud-edah, ka-thud-edah, ka-thud-edah"? Gabe.
But you can call me sweetie.
Gabe.
Or honey.
Gabe! When did you get here? I am in the middle of a crisis! And so am I.
You interrupted "babe mode".
I'm calling a secret sibling meeting.
I gotta go.
Look, when Dad gets home, I am totally dead and that's just not fair.
If Mr.
"Desperate to be Cool" hadn't decided that smoking was the only way to do it, Dad never would've caught me with that cigarette in the first place.
Oh, no.
You got caught because you were trying to set me up, which is in direct violation of our zero-tolerance ratting policy.
Oh, that is not true.
My plan didn't technically involve me ratting him out.
And you expect our elder learned brother to believe that? I've gotta go with Tess on this one.
You are a traitor to your gender.
Listen, Sam, I know you're upset now, but when we're 90 and you're still alive, you will thank me.
Old ladies like flowers.
And a cruise.
Maybe one that's family-friendly, just in case I want to bring the grandkids with me.
And I will.
Forget it.
This is my life and if I want to smoke, nobody, and I mean nobody, can tell me I can't.
It's Dad! Great, now I've got a pencil cup that smells like a minty ashtray.
Relax, I put Spence on decoy duty.
Tess! Hey Dad.
Not now, Spence.
But it's my project! I know, I know, I got carried away helping you.
It's your project and you should be the one to do it.
I know, but look! Ahhhhh! Walter! Off! This is awful! What am I going to do now? Okay, I'll handle this after I talk to your sister.
But it's due tomorrow.
I thought it was due next week.
The teacher moved it up.
I don't think she likes children.
Okay, okay, I'll just get you started.
Look, I know smoking is wrong, but if it's going to get me in with Travis and those guys, what am I supposed to do? I mean, I'm not cool like you.
I've gotta go with Sam on this one, Tess.
All I know is that I can't go to school for the next four years and have everybody look at me the way they look at me.
Sam, not everybody looks at you like that.
Okay, maybe some.
A few.
A sizeable number of people.
But if you want to be cool, smoking is not the way to do it.
You're smart and funny and if that's not good enough for a sizeable number of people, then they are not worth it.
First, must you keep saying "sizeable number of people"? And second There is no second.
I've heard enough.
I've made my decision.
Sam, you're done smoking.
Yes.
What? Listen, little brother.
I know it's hard for you not to be cool.
Okay, I don't know.
I mean, look at me.
But here's the deal, and I tell you this because I'm your brother and I love you.
But Sam, smoking is for losers, and if you ever do it again, I will reach down your throat and scrub your lungs clean with a toilet brush.
Okay? 'Kay.
But just for the record, I'm not quitting because you threatened me.
I'm quitting because once you get that smoke smell in your sweaters, you can't get it out.
Plus, I knew it was stupid in the first place.
I'm proud of you, Sammy.
Okay, now let's go downstairs, tell Dad the truth, get me off the hook and wrap this puppy up.
Wrap this puppy up.
Wrap! Puppy! What? You're forgetting our zero-tolerance no-ratting policy.
You can't tell Dad what really happened, and you can't force Sam to either.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go and see if I can get back into, uh "babe mode".
Gabe, I Sam, come on.
It's out of my hands.
I mean, the law's the law.
Okay.
Well, I guess that's it.
Nothing I can do but unfairly take the blame for trying to help someone I love so very much.
Nice try.
I'm not trying anything.
I'm doing what any twin would do for someone they shared the miracle of creation with.
Not gonna work.
That's okay, Sam.
I still love you.
Just as much as the mother who is looking down upon us at this very moment.
Still nothing? Nope.
Tess! Coming! You are cold, mister.
Cold.
Don't look at me like that.
But Mom, I didn't ask for her help.
Well, I didn't.
She got caught because of what she did, not because I was so desperate to fit in, I started smoking.
Yes, I know she did it because she loves me.
And I know you're not really talking to me.
It's just my conscience beating me up with your photo.
I mean, if you were really here, you'd send me some kind of sign.
Oh all right, fine! I'll go tell the truth! Do I know my brother, or what? Uh, Sam? Yeah, I know, I'm gonna have to burn this sweater.
I mean, seriously, a B? I did a lot of work watching Spencer make this thing pretty much all by himself.
I mean, I helped a little, but what father wouldn't? You know? You really don't like children, do you? Okay.
Fine!
Is it over? Allie, I have to go to the bathroom.
You can't go now.
What if his molecules explode? If I don't go now, my molecules will explode.
Oh, you had to get us the jumbo drinks, didn't ya? It was 25 cents more for twice as much.
How could I pass that up? Shh! Is it over? Would you just go! Here? Oh, right, the bathroom.
Okay.
Video chat me.
Shh! Is it over? I know everything about you.
Oh! Whoopsie! Come on, we had a deal.
Yeah, I know, but No buts.
You help me raise my science grade, and I help you raise your rep.
Don't be such a wimp! I am not a wimp.
Then prove it, dude.
Light one up.
Whoa, look, I said I wanted to be cool.
Can't I just, I don't know, maybe like mess my hair up a little bit? Untuck my shirt? Pull my pants down, show a little undie? That says "outlaw.
" No, that says you're a skinny dork who wears tighty-whities.
Hey, you wanna be a nerd forever, that's fine by me.
I'm done.
No, wait! Give me the cigarette.
Dart, tar-bar, whatever you kids are calling them! Feels like I'm caught in the middle Drama comes with every new day So far to fall Walking the tightrope But I wouldn't have it any other way We're gonna put one foot in front of the other Get tripped up and step on one another We move ahead and try to keep it on track 'Cause we know we got each other's back Don't need to fight it No need to deny It's a crazy life, a random life A wonderful life Samuel Joseph Foster! Are you insane?! I'm not smoking! Right, Travis? Later, dude.
Wrestling team? Weird enough.
Using the guys' room? Whoa.
So, what movie are you seeing? Is that a new top? Your hair looks great today! See you at home.
Don't even think about it.
Smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body.
Not true! A diet heavy in saturated fats and salt can take years off your life.
Think about that, Miss Large Buttered Popcorn.
Sam, please.
Look, I know it's bad.
I don't want to do it, but if that's what it takes for me to not be a nerd anymore, I have to do it! Sam, you're not a nerd.
You're nerd ish.
But you'll grow out of it if you live long enough, which you won't if you smoke! Please, it's not like I'm gonna smoke that much.
It's just that Travis Travis is a jerk.
Correction, he's a cool jerk.
Which is what I'm going to be.
The cool part, not the jerk part.
Starting now.
Okay, starting now.
Get out of my way, I'm an outlaw! Ugh! Ooo, ooo, aaa, aaa! Caw, caw! What? You get to do it and I can't? I'm eight.
When I do it, it's cute.
When you do it, it's a little bit embarrassing.
Point made.
Take two.
Hey, look at that! That is one good-looking diorama.
Better? You're trying, that's the important thing.
Spence, I gotta say, this is going to make everyone in your class totally jealous.
You think so? Sure.
I mean, you're not done yet, are you? Uh-oh.
What? I'm talking a couple little tweaks.
Some fine-tuning.
You'll hardly notice.
Well, this all has to go.
Here we go again.
I'm gonna take that, too.
Whoa, slow down there, buddy.
You can't put a gazelle by the river.
The lion'll eat him.
What lion? Haven't put him in yet.
Come on, Dad.
I thought I was supposed to be doing this project.
All right, sorry.
I mean, I should just be helping you do the things that you want to do.
Thank you.
So, is there anything else you want to do? I want to put the gazelle by the river.
Huge mistake! I mean, look, the gazelle's looking awfully vulnerable to a lion attack.
"Rowr!" All right, no lion.
But, uh, is there anything else you want to add? No.
Really? Not even a little native village? Not too big, just a little one.
Aw, come on, we are a crucial part of the whole "circle of life" thing.
Want a village for my baby Village for my baby Right here I'll go get the toothpicks.
Yes! We're going to need a bigger box.
But the movie wasn't over yet! Who cares? I have a major problem here! So did Dylan! His unstable molecules are aging too fast, and he's getting an old man saggy butt! And I don't know about you but for this girl, that's a real turn-off.
And so is smoking, which a person in the real world, with all his molecules intact, is doing.
What are you getting mad at me for? Just call your dad, rat out your brother, problemo el Salvador! I can't.
My stupid brothers and I have a zero-tolerance ratting policy.
Who's the idiot that came up with that one? Me.
You? I accidentally dropped my dad's cell in the toilet.
A no-ratting policy seemed like a good idea at the time.
Come on, Travis.
Let's go out back and grab a tar-dart.
Tar-bar.
Tar-bar.
You know, like a digger.
Dagger.
Stop correcting me! Great, Sam is going to keep smoking no matter what I say.
I can't tell my dad! I don't know what to do.
There's Gabe.
He'll be able to talk Sam out of this.
Great, he's in "babe mode".
"Babe Mode"? When he's on the hunt, he blocks everything else out.
That's ridiculous.
Oh, really? Watch.
Gabe.
Gabe.
Gabe.
Cockroach in your smoothie.
Gabe.
Gabe.
Gabe.
See? He's like a blond, self-absorbed laser with chemically enhanced white teeth.
Amazing, but relax.
I mean, he has to take a break from "babe Mode" eventually.
You're right.
This is too important.
I'll just have to wait him out.
Yeah, I had a great time too, babe.
Gabe.
So, what you want to do tomorrow? Gabe I want to do whatever you want to do.
Gabe And I want to do what you want to do.
Gabe, Gabe.
No, you decide.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe I'm on my way to your locker right now.
Gabe.
No, I can't wait to see you more.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
No, you.
Gabe.
Tess, Tess, Tess.
Tess! By the time Gabe gets out of "babe mode" Sam's gonna be talking like this.
Wow.
You could be my Aunt Roberta.
Well, if you add a bad wig, that slaps her in the face when she turns her head too hard.
"Hey, Aunt Roberta!" "What?" Wah-pssh! But look, if Sam is dumb enough to smoke, he's dumb enough to get caught, right? Allie, that's a brilliant idea.
Thank you.
You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? No.
I'm going to make sure the dummy gets caught.
And I thought of that? I mean, and I thought of that! How exactly did I think we were going to do it? Easy.
We're going to get a "tar-dart from Travis, plant it on Sam and make sure my dad catches him with it.
But Travis is never going to give you a cigarette.
He hates you.
You're forgetting the second part of your brilliant idea.
Mmm-mm! What's shakin', man.
Yeah.
Yo, Travis, my man.
What's poppin'? What's goin' down? What's crack-a-lackin'? Really? Sorry, bro.
I don't know what I'm sayin', man.
I'm stressed out.
Razor's edge.
I haven't sung that ciggy-song in a while, if you catch my drift.
No, I don't.
I'm having a nic-fit.
I need to take a dive into the puff pool.
You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down? No! Just give me a cigarette, man! I need it! I need it bad! Listen, quiet, you're gonna get us both thrown out of school.
Okay.
Here.
Now, get away from me! Thanks, Travis, you da man.
Travie, yeah.
Allie, did you get it? Of course I did.
I was brilliant.
Now, here, take it.
I think I knocked 20 minutes off my life just holding it.
Be careful.
You know how much I need this.
Tess? You don't understand! This isn't mine.
Then whose is it? Travis's.
If it's Travis's, then why do you have it? Because I can't tell you.
Then, I want you straight home after school.
We're gonna sit down and talk about this.
Uh, correction, you're gonna sit and I'm gonna stand.
And pace.
That's right, you've pushed me to standing and pacing.
No, wait.
Why should you be so comfortable? I'm gonna sit, and you're gonna stand.
Think about that.
Wow, you're right.
When he gets mad, that vein in his neck really does pop out.
I mean, it's like "ga-doong, ga-doong, ga-doong".
This is so wrong.
What? You think it's more of a ka-thud-edah, ka-thud-edah, ka-thud-edah"? Gabe.
But you can call me sweetie.
Gabe.
Or honey.
Gabe! When did you get here? I am in the middle of a crisis! And so am I.
You interrupted "babe mode".
I'm calling a secret sibling meeting.
I gotta go.
Look, when Dad gets home, I am totally dead and that's just not fair.
If Mr.
"Desperate to be Cool" hadn't decided that smoking was the only way to do it, Dad never would've caught me with that cigarette in the first place.
Oh, no.
You got caught because you were trying to set me up, which is in direct violation of our zero-tolerance ratting policy.
Oh, that is not true.
My plan didn't technically involve me ratting him out.
And you expect our elder learned brother to believe that? I've gotta go with Tess on this one.
You are a traitor to your gender.
Listen, Sam, I know you're upset now, but when we're 90 and you're still alive, you will thank me.
Old ladies like flowers.
And a cruise.
Maybe one that's family-friendly, just in case I want to bring the grandkids with me.
And I will.
Forget it.
This is my life and if I want to smoke, nobody, and I mean nobody, can tell me I can't.
It's Dad! Great, now I've got a pencil cup that smells like a minty ashtray.
Relax, I put Spence on decoy duty.
Tess! Hey Dad.
Not now, Spence.
But it's my project! I know, I know, I got carried away helping you.
It's your project and you should be the one to do it.
I know, but look! Ahhhhh! Walter! Off! This is awful! What am I going to do now? Okay, I'll handle this after I talk to your sister.
But it's due tomorrow.
I thought it was due next week.
The teacher moved it up.
I don't think she likes children.
Okay, okay, I'll just get you started.
Look, I know smoking is wrong, but if it's going to get me in with Travis and those guys, what am I supposed to do? I mean, I'm not cool like you.
I've gotta go with Sam on this one, Tess.
All I know is that I can't go to school for the next four years and have everybody look at me the way they look at me.
Sam, not everybody looks at you like that.
Okay, maybe some.
A few.
A sizeable number of people.
But if you want to be cool, smoking is not the way to do it.
You're smart and funny and if that's not good enough for a sizeable number of people, then they are not worth it.
First, must you keep saying "sizeable number of people"? And second There is no second.
I've heard enough.
I've made my decision.
Sam, you're done smoking.
Yes.
What? Listen, little brother.
I know it's hard for you not to be cool.
Okay, I don't know.
I mean, look at me.
But here's the deal, and I tell you this because I'm your brother and I love you.
But Sam, smoking is for losers, and if you ever do it again, I will reach down your throat and scrub your lungs clean with a toilet brush.
Okay? 'Kay.
But just for the record, I'm not quitting because you threatened me.
I'm quitting because once you get that smoke smell in your sweaters, you can't get it out.
Plus, I knew it was stupid in the first place.
I'm proud of you, Sammy.
Okay, now let's go downstairs, tell Dad the truth, get me off the hook and wrap this puppy up.
Wrap this puppy up.
Wrap! Puppy! What? You're forgetting our zero-tolerance no-ratting policy.
You can't tell Dad what really happened, and you can't force Sam to either.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go and see if I can get back into, uh "babe mode".
Gabe, I Sam, come on.
It's out of my hands.
I mean, the law's the law.
Okay.
Well, I guess that's it.
Nothing I can do but unfairly take the blame for trying to help someone I love so very much.
Nice try.
I'm not trying anything.
I'm doing what any twin would do for someone they shared the miracle of creation with.
Not gonna work.
That's okay, Sam.
I still love you.
Just as much as the mother who is looking down upon us at this very moment.
Still nothing? Nope.
Tess! Coming! You are cold, mister.
Cold.
Don't look at me like that.
But Mom, I didn't ask for her help.
Well, I didn't.
She got caught because of what she did, not because I was so desperate to fit in, I started smoking.
Yes, I know she did it because she loves me.
And I know you're not really talking to me.
It's just my conscience beating me up with your photo.
I mean, if you were really here, you'd send me some kind of sign.
Oh all right, fine! I'll go tell the truth! Do I know my brother, or what? Uh, Sam? Yeah, I know, I'm gonna have to burn this sweater.
I mean, seriously, a B? I did a lot of work watching Spencer make this thing pretty much all by himself.
I mean, I helped a little, but what father wouldn't? You know? You really don't like children, do you? Okay.
Fine!