Lil' Bush: Resident of the United States (2007) s01e02 Episode Script

We interrupt tonight's program to bring you an important message from the White House.
America, I wanna take this opportunity to say goodbye to a real American hero.
Mr.
Bob Barker.
Nobody knows where this silver haired fox came from.
Or why chose to spend his days givin' away all of his many dinette sets and jet skis on national tv.
But a few days ago, he did something that takes a lot of courage.
He walked out of stage, laid down in a coffin, and died.
You can't put a price tag on a human life, but if you did, I'd bid one dollar over you.
So I dedicate tonight's show to Bob Barker.
He's huggin' fat ladies in heaven, right now.
Oh, and to honor his final wish Please have your kids spayed, neutered, and completely de-balled.
Pronto! LucasCorso, ChemicalChiara.
Revision: ChemicalChiara, Demi, Hnort.
Tonight's episode: The one where I'm the decider and also I'm Aquaman.
Let's go Lil' George, it's time to get dressed! Oh, this don't make no sense.
Why are they called underpants anyway? They should be called overpants 'cause they should go over your pants, and then everyone could see that you're Aquaman.
That's enough, no more fooling around.
Oh, I can't wait 'till I grow up and become a decider so I can decide where my pants go.
You'll wear your pants just like everyone else in this family.
Jeb fall down.
Class, this is our new foreign exchange student Lil' Kim Jong-Il.
Tell the class a little bit about yourself.
I'm a 6'2'' feature movie director.
I collect Kevin Costner memorabilia and enriched uranium.
These are my thugs.
Their names have no consequence.
not the same.
Of course! That kid looks just like a cat.
I'd better hide my catnip.
Why do you have catnip? She's after it too.
Oh oh, it's our new furry four-legged friend.
I'm gonna call you Kitty.
Tito, idea for a movie! Tiny ignorant American confronts tall Korean golf prodigy.
The American is crushed.
Hey, Killigan, see if Costner is available.
Country's floor, love it or leave it.
You broke it, you bought it.
That's Pottery Barn diplomacy, Cond.
I think you're getting the two ideas mixed up.
Yeah, barns are where cows live.
Dammit, he's right.
Cows do live in barns! You've won this round, but this isn't over.
Oh yeah, I'm the king of Monkey of Mass Destruction.
Here comes, Bushy.
Hey, that's mine.
Oh, I'm sorry, but it seems to be broken.
Hey, be careful with that.
Is this careful enough for you? Yeah, I guess so.
Tito, break in ze game! No! Look at your little friend, now! Smashed garbage.
This isn't over One day I'll show all of you! Don't just sit there Aquaman, do something! I just hate Little Kim Jong-Il so much! Oh sweety, it's okay to hate someone as long as they're different than you.
Don't Jeb.
Oh, hey, dad, how would you handle an adorable fuzzy bully? Well, there is only one way to deal with a bully, You lie in a ball and let him kick it til he's tired.
See, your only two weak spots are your kidneys and your neck.
So you've got to cover it when you're That's a terrible advice.
I'm sorry.
Lil George, here's how you deal with the bully Find his weakness and then attack when you have the opportunity.
For example, your father left his kidneys wide open.
Gee, damn B! Got it! Take advantage of your opportunities and watch your kidneys around mom.
Now, get up you! Remember, it's take-your-kid-to-work day! Oh, for Christ's sake, do I really have to? Ok, ok All right! I'm gonna learn to be a decider.
Just like my pop.
Jeb go too.
Well, I'll draw the line at Jeb.
That's okay, Jeb can go to work with Barney today.
Just think Barney, if you're lucky Jeb will teach you how to drink out of the toilet.
Now, outside, both of you.
See ya for supper, Barb.
Yeah, see ya for supper, Barb.
Your husbands are off to work.
- Good morning Sir.
- Hi, Lil' George! - Hey, boss.
- Hello, lil' George.
- All my peeps in the House! - Settle down, young man.
The White House is a place for serious work.
Now Condi, what's on the schedule? First, a donuts with the national volleyball champs, and then you have an hour set aside for old people sex with your elderly secretary.
You're all needed in the situation room immediately.
Ada, what's goin'on? - Is there a situation? - Yes, a delicious situation.
- The donuts have arrived.
- Oh great.
Oh, let's go gang! And you kids, you stay here and don't touch anything.
That sucks! I hate doing what I'm told.
I wanna be a decider.
You will be someday, Little George.
I wanna be a decider now! Lil'Cheney is right.
I should follow my gut and act on weird impulses.
Now, I'm gonna do something I should have done long time ago.
What are you doing with your underpants? They are overpants, Cond.
Ah ha.
Well, then, what are you doing with your overpants? Being decisive.
Hey, Cond, when are you gonna join the "overpant revolution"? I think I'll pass.
Fine.
You wanna commit political suicide? Be my guest.
Hey, Lil'Cheney.
You found anything on Lil'Kim Jong-Il, yet? Dang it! We got a real oppprtunity to abuse the power of this office and get back at that finicky feline! Wait, I know.
It's just like Monkey of Mass Destruction.
Target selected Would you like to initiate bombing? Initiate away, computer lady.
Let's see if Kitty has nine lives.
And then, at the end of act 3, I hit the hole-in-one, triggering the guillotine that will chop Little George into a thousand pieces! The End.
Applause applause, Oscars all around, so, can I count you in, Mr.
Costner? Please, just give me my clothes back.
All right! Good stuff! Score one for the decider! Any other bullies we wanna take out? Hey George, are you reigning [???.]
a nuclear holocaust on America? Uh could be! This is very serious, young man! Initial casualty estimates are in the hundreds and hundreds of thousands.
- My bad! - Gosh, dang it! It's gonna take us all afternoon to put a positive spin on this.
- Hey, pop! - What? - Have you ever tried it? - No! Nuclear weapons are our last resort! Well, I think there's someone who really fries your bread! Hey, remember that clam shack in Port? They served you that chowder that was all potato! They shouldn't call it clam chowder if there's no clams in it! Mr.
President! Well, you can get there Jeb fall down.
Yeah, that's funny! Excuse me, sir.
I have some grave news.
It seems North Korea has retaliated by launching a nuclear strike.
Well George, you're gonna get such a neck kickin' Wait, luckily their missiles could only reach Hollywood.
- Things really have a way of working in the end.
- Yeah! I'm the decider, and I just decided that you gotta stay tuned for more Little Bush on Comedy Central.
Tonight's episode: a story-type deal about me and the gang nailin' some dude with a water balloon.
Hey guys, ready to get your camp on? Where's Little Cheney? They must have salmon in their car.
Now Little George, don't just hang out with the old gang.
I want you to make new friends, too.
Sure thing, ma.
Hey, what's your name? Eh eh too slow! I'll call you Red Shirt, 'cause you wear a red shirt.
You're my new camp buddy, Red Shirt.
Congratulations! Hey, mom! Mission "Make New Friends" accomplished.
Come on Bar, if we get to the Kissingers' late, we'll miss all the good keys.
I don't want to get stuck with that skank Ann Coulter again.
Ok, ok.
Boys, have fun! And, Little George, I want you to keep an eye on Jeb.
Of course, I'll look after him like he was my own brother.
Oh well, more's more for me! Come on Red Shirt, I'll introduce you to my posse.
Look deep inside yourself and draw what you really feel.
That'll teach you how to hop in the woods without body armor.
Hey Stinkie See, I call you Stinkie 'cause that stink you got! Not everybody is ashamed of their bodies' natural aroma.
Well, they should be, Stinkie.
Now listen, I'm sick of drawing about my feelings they're a sign of weakness.
Now when are we going to do some fun camp-type stuff? Like clearing brush! I love clearing brush.
Tomorrow we'll be making friendship bracelets and learning which leaves are safe for nature wiping.
Hey gang, this camp sucks! There is brush all over the place, there's no rival camp to screw around with and there is not even a mass psycho stabbing everybody.
Well then, should have brought your mask.
Don't worry, I got a plan to stirr things up.
We gotta find that fat camp Lil' Laura's at.
And there's a thing you should know about me, Red Shirt.
I like chubby nerds.
He does.
We'll dress up like fatties, sneak in, and raise some serious hell.
Yeah! Jebby ram.
Yeah, I would say summer sunset is your color.
Oh Cond, what about the disguise? I don't need to dress up.
They need to think we're girls.
I am a girl.
Condi, are you with us or with the enemy? -Who's the enemy? -Ok, Cond is out.
Thank you.
Now, let's go girls.
Jebby bird.
I don't see any tasty tubbies.
Camp Al Qaeda.
Must be some kind of camp for tall, hairy kids.
Wow, check out their fireworks.
They're way better than the ones we've got.
Our can't even blow up a cat.
Trust me, I've tried.
This must be our rival camp training to pull a prank on camp Little Camp David.
We gotta make a prim to prank! [???.]
-Oooh.
.
-Yeah-yeah Rainbow party! Well, I do declare if that's not a group of handsome campers.
Oooo chubby nerds! I like chubby nerds! Cindy here's bra got stuck and were wonderin' if Surprise attack! Jebby rock.
Oooh, Jebby.
That was awesome! Totally pranked this! Yes! Little George, this package just came for you.
Oh, thanks Stinkie.
Little Cheney, you are a language expert.
What did they say? Oh, yikes! That's not good.
I can't watch.
Now that's a prank.
It's time to take it to the next level.
Panty raid! Jihad! Jihad! Lucky we bought this VCR for our extensive collection of American porn.
You can't beat American prices on consumer electronics.
And all their great American porn.
Bow down to us, or today will be your undepants last day on earth.
If you don't heed our warnings, your future will be underpant free and full of painful weiner zipper snags! When they desecrate our underpants they desecrate our whole way of life! Oh, look at me! I'm admiral underpants form Camp Al Quaeda.
Who wants some fresh hot oatmeal? Apples and cinnamon! Allright.
Here you go.
We are the kings of pranks! These transvestites are not human! We will exact our revenge by turning their talent show into a fiery hall of death.
Right after we watch desert orgies #13.
I'm worried about the show tonight.
We spent so much time pranking those hairy campers that we don't have a song for the talent show.
You're right, Cond.
But there's only one thing left to do Spending the next few hours writing a really great song? No, no.
Design such an awesome state show that no one will notice how bad our song is.
It's a policy I call Rock 'n Awe.
Yeah, but Little George, all we have are those bottle rockets you snuck into Camp.
Well, luckily while we were still on Al Qaeda's underpants I switched our lame fireworks for the bunch of their awesome fireworks.
We're totally gonna blow away the competition.
You get it? It's like a pyrotechnical-type joke.
All right.
The fireworks are all set.
Now, can we talk about what song we're going to play? Jeb lose arms.
Oh no! What are you doing? I'm trying to hide his arms.
If mom and pop see these things I'm in big trouble.
Lil' George, if we hurry and sew them back on we can probably save 'em.
You guys are on in two minutes.
It's way easier to just hide 'em.
Ok, fine.
Please welcome the Will Bush Band! There! How's that Jeb? Close enough for rock'n'roll! Wait! What song are we going to play? Look Cond.
I came to rock ass and chew bubblegum.
And I'm all out of bubblegum.
Follow my lead.
Are you ready to rock? Nice try, Freeball, but I'm afraid your little magic act isn't going to take the trophy this year.
This one goes out to our new friend Freeballs.
One, two, you know what to do! Please welcome Little Bush, Resident of the United States.
Ok, first question.
How do you justify bombing so many innocent Not you.
The cute chubby reporter we planted beforehand.
Yes, question? On a scale of 1-10, how cute would you say your dog Barney is? Excellent question! I'd say Barney is the cutest dog in the whole world.
So an 8.
That really was a great question.
Next question.
Me.
Yes, Georgie.
I'd like to see more of you.
How would I do that? Good question, Georgie.
Drive your internet machines over to comedycentral.
com It's Bush League fun.
In a good way.
To catch more of Little George's post show press conference, log on to comedycentral.
com.
Tommuz, ChemicalChiara.
Revision: Demi, Hnort, ChemicalChiara.
Wednesday Lil' Bush meets Lil' Tony Blair.
- Cheers! - I like the way you talk! Where are you from? Narnia? And he's taking him home, to meet the parents.
- He's great, does whatever I say! - Your son fascinates me! Lil' Bush, only on Wednesday at 10:30 on comedycentral.
com