Lopez (2016) Episode Scripts

George Clowns Around

1 One controversy can kill a product.
Fix this.
Hey, Lori, you know, this is all a misunderstanding, okay? George, look, I can fix a lot of things.
Product delays, distribution jam-ups.
FTC regulations.
But I can't fix your problem with Latinos.
You have to.
Yes, I know, Lori, all right? And I will.
Just as soon as we go out and have a nice I'm on it.
I'll do it right now.
Thank you.
I mean, muchisima gracias.
You know, Manolo, this place has some of the best beef tamales in all of Los Angeles.
They're so authentically Mexican, like me, George Lopez, authentically Mexican.
Yeah, they're really good.
Yeah, los gringos, they don't know what they're missing.
Especially that pendejo Donald Trump.
People think you love him.
Man, I still can't believe you played golf with him.
By the way, who won? [chuckling] That's right, Manolo.
Thank you for bringing that up and reminding me of who I play golf with.
I play golf with Salma Hayek.
I play golf with Lee Trevino, Chi-Chi Rodriguez, Cesar Chávez.
Me and Cesar Chávez played when I was little.
We'd work in the fields half-day.
And then play nine holes the rest of the day.
Isn't that right, Manolo? - Yes.
- Where's El Hector? I thought he was gonna meet us here.
Oh, he's getting together with Lori.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
[nervous chuckle] Do you remember exactly what they were gonna meet about or you can recall his exact works? Exact words: "Man, Lori is woke.
I mean, she's lit, tight.
" Uh [laughter] What's everybody laughing at? [speaking Spanish] Hey, look, it's Platanito.
I love that show.
Mommy does, too.
She love Platanito as much as she hates you.
That's how everyone around here feels now.
Yeah, well, excuse me for wearing suits when I work and not a fright wig with long, red shoes.
Hey, jefe, maybe you should go on Platanito.
You can explain what happened with the white supremacists.
Might get your Mexican fans to like you again.
[clears throat] You know, that sounds like a good idea, Manolo, but, you know, you don't know that Platanito and I, we have a little, you know, we got a little history.
Right, I forgot.
He thinks you're a sell-out.
Yeah, I'm a sell-out, all right.
I sell-out stadiums, huh? Smaller arenas.
Right there in Hemet.
I'll tell you something about Platanito: You're his biggest fan.
First time he saw me, comes up, he's, like, "Hey, George Lopez.
" Got a big smile on his face.
"I'm so happy for you and all of your success.
" Then he stops.
Smile disappears.
He goes, "No, I'm not.
Every time I see you on TV, I think that should be me.
" Huh? And even though he's a big success, he still has a problem with me.
He thinks I don't respect his comedy.
Wow, Platanito's a legend and he hates your guts.
Seriously? That's what you're getting from this story? [speaking Spanish] Eat your beef tamales.
They're delicious.
When I do my report on "Huckleberry Finn" I wonder if it's okay if I just call him Jim.
[whistle alert] Oh, my God, I get a hold of Olly, man.
If this controversy keeps growing, it's gonna derail "Valleys," I'll never get it back on track.
I donated to just about every Latino charity in L.
A.
, right? I've built half of the sports fields in San Fernando.
And the only thing getting traction are these fake news stories about me Look at this one: "Donald Trump is considering his good friend and trusted adviser, George Lopez for the post of Minister of Mexican Affairs.
" There is no Minister of Mexican Affairs.
"Replacing Scott Baio who is rumored to be moving to the UN.
" Yo, G, you got a crush? These flowers just came in for you.
- From who? - From, like, some fraternity? Fraternity? From the Brotherhood of White Supremacists.
I saw those dudes.
I thought they were cholos.
They were skinheads.
Pale cholos, they ain't no pale cholos.
[George] Oh, my God, how do we make this go away? George, I've been looking into it.
The thing we need to do is hire a crisis manager.
No, I got a good PR person.
Yeah, but this is like a PR guy on steroids.
Oh, he specializes in problems like this.
The guy I'm talking to handled Paula Deen Michael Richards, remember? Basically celebrities who bad-mouth Black people.
But he's looking to branch out.
That's horrible, and it sounds expensive.
It's gonna cost less than your career.
- The network is not happy.
- Really? What did you hear? Not what she heard, it's what I heard.
Yeah, Pfeiffer, what did you hear? Well, you're not gonna believe this.
But, hold on, what happened to my leftover Chinese food? - Did you eat it? - No.
Well, it didn't just sprout legs and walk away.
Well, I'm not lying.
Wait, what, did you hear from the network or from Rachel Mom, what happened to the Chinese food? I threw it out, sweetie, sorry.
- Oh, hi, George.
- Hi.
- Can I make you a sandwich? - Oh, no, no, - I'm fine, thanks.
- Why would you throw it out? It was three days old and half empty.
Half empty? I barely touched it.
Okay, I had a little.
Jesus, do I have to write my name on everything? I bought that with my own money.
There's no way in hell you paid for that.
- Mom paid for that.
- She earned it.
- She brought in the garbage cans.
- Big deal.
God dammit! What did the network say, Pfeiffer? I'm sorry, Pf I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
They said they're not happy about it.
I'm sorry.
Will you tell your mom that I'm sorry.
- You need to get an office.
- Yeah.
I'll set something up with the crisis guy.
Yeah? Where does he work out of, a camper? Not a bad idea.
Okay, see, then you have to take this part and divide it.
And then into that part Hey! What's happening? - We were studying.
- Okay.
- George, this is my teacher, Wendy.
- Hey, Wendy.
- Hey Wendy, nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Wow, a teacher that comes to the house; that's dedication.
Yes, that's exactly what it is, and, uh, he's an adult and there's nothing to report to anybody, you know? Oh, jefe, there's something I need to tell you.
My mommy is planning on suing you for stealing her grill idea.
- What? - [alerts play, vibrates] Hey, Hector says we gotta turn on GVN.
What do you mean your mom is suing me? [Hector] You all have to listen up.
Grab your phone and call right now.
This grill is amazing.
You gotta get it, you gotta buy it.
Oh, my God, he's selling the grill.
Lori's got him selling the grill without me.
And all for 29.
95.
And he's humping the product and the price.
I guess he can just do it all, huh? Just grillin' and chillin'.
First you grill.
Then you chill.
That's probably what the little meeting was about.
Son of a bitch! Hector's moving up in the world.
He's on the rise.
Isn't that what you wanted? Yeah, but not with me slipping.
She's giving up on me, man, she's moving on.
You know, 29.
95 is a little steep for a teacher's pay.
How many payments you think we could break that up into? That's a good problem for you.
No, we're not that far yet.
We got pollo, carnita, machaca She's betting on Hector, not me.
You don't know that.
Well, I don't come up looking like a winner.
I come up looking like a loser.
And she don't look like the type of woman that's into losers.
She's probably, like, one of those directors that always has sex with the stars.
- Relax, jefe.
- How can I relax? Probably can't keep her hands off him.
Mm, I know I couldn't.
[chuckling] Because that boy is fine! Listen, be honest with me.
Give it to me straight.
Is he your jail wife? - Traitor.
- Jefe you're doing that thing that I'm supposed to stop you from doing.
- Catasrophe - Catastrophizing? - Yeah.
- That's because it's true.
Every problem I got comes from the same thing.
That controversy.
Screw it, man, you know what? - I'ma do it.
- What are you gonna do? I'm gonna go on Platanito.
What's Platanito? Hey, whatever it is, put some cheese on mine.
[laughing] He's like the Mexican Johnny Carson.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I gotta get hold of Lori.
I think I can get this under control.
Man, I feel bad for my jefe.
Yeah, me too.
What type of bathtub you think he's got upstairs? Let's go check it out.
[laughing] The show that you wanna be on is Platanito.
But that's not his real name.
No, no, but, it, it That's brilliant.
He's a combination of Carson, Kimmel and Fallon all rolled into one, and he's very authentic, and he's very trusted by his audience.
Wow, you really do know who he is.
He has a makeup line.
We were gonna make a deal with him, but we went with you instead.
In retrospect, I just What do you mean, in retrospect? In retrospect, I couldn't be happier.
Thank you.
Now, come on.
I mean, can we go back to the way things were? With me selling grills and Hector as my sidekick behind me, not doing my job? Wait Are you jealous of Hector? Of course not.
Why would I be jealous of Hector? Do I have a reason to be jealous of hector? - [alert buzzing] - George, please Do I have a reason to be jealous of hector? - [Lori] I expressly told you - Lori? [door opens, closes] I do apologize, I I don't know where George is.
He said he was gonna be here a half-hour ago.
Uh, never say you don't know where you client is.
Of course you know where he is.
He's taking personal time.
Oh, I like that, very helpful.
Now, when we get him into treatment, we're calling it exhaustion.
He only tells the truth to Diane Sawyer once the memoir deal is in place.
Oh, okay.
Maybe your assistant didn't explain to you our situation.
So, George made some comments that were interpreted negatively by the Latino community and positively by some white supremacist groups.
You know what we do? We do a public sit-down with Al Sharpton.
You know, cry, pray, laugh.
Yeah, but why would George apologize to a Black minister? There's a lot of overlap, but, uh, point well taken.
Yeah.
Now, who's the Latino Al Sharpton? Pitbull, Eva Longoria? Geraldo.
- Hmm maybe.
- [alert vibrates] Oh! Ohh George booked himself on a Mexican talk show with somebody called Platanito.
Well, that could fix everything.
I think we're done here.
Okay, everybody, listen up 'cause this will totally be on the test.
Huck Finn and Jim travelled the mighty Mississippi.
Sort of like the first black/white buddy movie, like, um, "Stir Crazy" or "Trading Places", something like that.
Uh-oh.
Uh, excuse me.
There will be no note passing in Miss Wendy's classroom.
I was just Uh, you were just about to read it to the entire class.
No, Miss Wendy, no need to embarrass anyone.
Oh, I get to embarrass somebody.
It's one of the perks of the job, read! "To my beautiful plump papaya.
"I spend all class staring at you.
"I just wanna kiss your juicy lips and rub your feet.
Love, Manolo.
" Oh, ew, do you have a crush on me? Uh Yes, un, yes, yes, he does.
He's got a crush on you.
Look, everybody, Manolo wrote a love letter to the pregnant lady.
[laughing] What is wrong with you? Can't you see she's with child? Gross, the baby is throwing up inside me.
- [school bell rings] - Uh, dismissed.
Especially the bald, perv guy.
I'm gonna grab a smoke.
But after that, I'm totally up for making out.
[knocking on door] Ay, wey! Look who it is, Platanito.
Hola, George, todo tiempo.
Platanito says, "Hello, George, it's been a while.
" - Yeah, too long.
- [chuckling] [speaking Spanish] Platanito says, "Suddenly you wanna be on my show? I've been trying to get you on forever.
" Yes, I know Spanish.
I don't need a translator.
[speaking Spanish] He says, "You don't remember how to speak Spanish anymore.
You sold out to the Anglos.
" Wow, you really gonna make me beg, huh, Platanito? Absolutely.
Shit.
Jorge say "caca.
" Ew.
Okay.
You wanna do it? Let's do it.
But we don't need him.
Okay, look, I'm here Shh-shh-shh-shh.
In Spanish, por favor.
I mean, this is the problem with Latinos, okay? You think because I don't speak Spanish as well as you do, that we're less Latino, okay? I come in peace, Platanito.
I come to bury the hatchet.
That's Photoshopped.
I'm wearing a bathing suit.
And he's got a jacket with fur on the collar.
If you didn't want white success, you wouldn't have asked to be on my show.
And you say no! Because you didn't wanna take your makeup off.
You were playing a lawyer.
That would look strange! To your audience! Okay, Platanito, listen.
We both did what we had to do to make it to the top.
We're professionals.
[giggling] I never said that.
I never said that, okay? If you respect my comedy, tell me.
I do, I do.
Say it.
- I respect your comedy.
- Yes! [giggling] All right, now, can I do your show? [laughing] I'm gonna take that as a yes.
Man, that was a close call.
Manolo, we can't be seen together.
Okay, got it.
You wanna come over to George's house and watch the shopping channel with me? No, I don't think that'd be a good idea.
Why, you have papers to grade? Listen, we almost got exposed.
If it wasn't for my acting skills, I'd be toast right now.
So, we can't be together? You'll be fired? Well, I work for the Unified School District.
I can't be fired.
I mean, seriously.
Teachers have dealt drugs, sold stolen goods, exposed themselves to students and they never got fired.
So, our love is worse than all that? No.
I can't be fired, but I could be reassigned.
And I can't go back to teaching sixth grade.
I just can't do it.
Those students are monsters.
And those girls are evil.
They'll come up and make fun of you right in your face.
And they'll just haul off and hit you.
I'm sorry, baby.
It's over.
[car starts] Wow.
Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino That guy from that band.
Sofia Vergara.
Other lady, beautiful ladies.
Who's that guy with the big hat and the moustache? Oh, yeah.
That was the president of Mexico.
Wow, dang.
So, this Platanito guy really has juice, huh? - Yeah, that's why we're here, Olly.
- Huh.
I feel like I should've known.
One of the most popular talk shows in the most important emerging markets is a clown.
Right.
A clown.
Yeah.
Ah, it's crazy.
They always put out food but I can never eat.
Free food is wasted on famous people.
Ahh I'm nervous.
Don't be nervous.
Ay, wey.
The beast brought a beauty.
Oh, me? No, no, no, I'm just his I don't I'm not a beauty.
Do not apologize.
I have that effect on women.
[laughing] [giggling and farting] - Oh, okay.
- [beeping] Okay, okay, Platanito, we get it; you're a clown.
Listen, I brought some good stories that show my pride in the Latino community.
[laughing] What, what is, what is he saying? He wants me to guest host the show.
Okay, I get it, I get it.
He wants me to do it in Spanish.
No.
[laughing] My suits will fit you, they're baggy.
- Ladies and gentlemen! - [theme music playing] Welcome to the Platanito show! [cheering and applause] Standing in for Platanito, it's Mr.
George Lopez! [laughing] All right! [music ends] [laughing] Hey, Platanito could not make it here tonight.
So, you're stuck with me.
[laughing] Was that my manager? Ay.
So, I rolled over in bed this morning, and I told Donald Trump, you gotta quit hogging the sheets! [laughing] You know, Donald Trump? Ay, wey.
Oh, my God, this is hard.
[laughing] Oh! Excuse me, I think the menudo's backing up on me.
- [horn honks] - [laughter] [horn honking] [laughter] Speaking of Trump, he's a real son of a [honk].
- [laughter] - He can kiss my [honks].
When he said he was gonna drain the swamp, I didn't know he was gonna take a [honk] all over the United States.
[honking] [laughter and applause] I didn't realize the censor spoke English! - [laughter] - [honking] Oh, I scared myself, hey! All these pictures of me and Donald Trump vacationing together [laughing] I might be a clown, ay, wey But I'm not that big of a clown.
And you know I've been getting a lot of heat because I defended the first amendment.
- Freedom of Speech! - [honking] How many of you like freedom of speech? [cheering and applause] So, if you like freedom of speech [honking] Listo! Get ready! Donald Trump is a Mexican, that's right.
He's got kids from three different women and he doesn't pay taxes! [cheering and applause] - [chuckling] - That was great.
Odd, disconcerting, but great.
And it's already trending across Latin platforms.
- Really, oh, that's perfect.
- Yeah.
In fact, Platanito's producers approached me about the possibility of you replacing him.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
And makeup and all? Ah, I'm not sure I wanna do that.
Oh, I am sure I don't want you to do that.
But this is really great for "Valleys.
" Platanito, I'm not trying to take your show.
Do I even want a translation? Just be glad you took French in high school.
Sorry.
[speaking Spanish] Kiss my kiwis! How do you know I took French? - Now, come on, seriously - Come on! [laughing] Oh, man, did you see it? The clown act? Unfortunately, yes.
Can you unsee it? No, George, you can't unsee things.
But, more importantly, I saw grill sales go up, and I like that a lot.
[chuckling] We're all alone.
Wait a minute, all the customers are gone.
As are all the employees.
I sent everyone home.
It's one of the, uh, perks of ownership.
- It's nice.
- Yeah.