Louie s01e05 Episode Script
Travel Day / South
[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE" PLAYING.]
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, you're gonna die Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
It's amazing how entitled people think they are.
People really think that they have shit coming to them, you know? And people think nothing bad should ever happen to them.
For some reason, you shouldn't even have accidents happen to you.
I was in a restaurant, this guy-- The waiter spilled some stuff on his coat.
He did that thing we all do now when we get stuff spilled on us: "What is the meaning of this?" Just so outraged.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
"Do you know who I am?" Yeah, you're the asshole who was sitting there when that happened.
So what? Maybe you'll get hit by a car someday.
Nobody gives a shit.
You're not entitled to anything.
You have to realize that.
From the moment you're born from the moment the last of your body leaves your mother's vagina from the moment that your foot stops touching your mother's vagina-- For the last time, hopefully.
Unless you later kick your mother in the vagina which you should not do.
Just my opinion, but you should not.
There are very few legitimate reasons to kick your mother in the vagina.
There's seven of them, actually.
But I'm not gonna tell you what they are, because you'll.
I know what you'll do.
[HORNS HONKING.]
That's my fare! That is my fare! No, no! This is my man! Shit on you! shit on you! You get out! Shit on me? Shit on you! [BOTH SHOUTING.]
You get in, sir.
You get in, come on, get in.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [BOTH SHOUTING.]
Get in.
[SCREAMING.]
So I'm going to the airport.
Can you take the Midtown Tunnel? Yeah.
I don't like the bridges.
Yeah, okay.
You can't do this.
I have a reservation.
You can't do this.
Goddamn it, you people are pieces of shit.
Damn it, I have a goddamn reservation.
WOMAN: Sir.
No, you had no right.
I'd be glad to put you on a flight leaving tomorrow.
But I wanted to go today.
That's why I booked.
Cocks.
A reservation, all right? Don't you understand that? You're greedy, you're just greedy.
The whole airlines is just greedy.
You push people.
You push people until they can't take it anymore.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
Good morning.
How can I help you? I'm going to Birmingham on the 11:40 flight.
Okay.
Where are you flying to? Birmingham.
What time is the flight? Eleven forty.
Okay, do you have any identification? Uh-- Yeah, right here.
Okay, great.
All right, here is your boarding pass, and it is gate 32.
Great, thank you.
Oh, can I just ask you, how's the flight doing? Is it on time, or? [TYPING.]
I'm showing that that flight is canceled.
It's canceled? Yes.
But you just gave me a seat on it.
Yes, that was before it was canceled.
What, was it canceled four seconds ago? Yes.
Why was it canceled? Is there weather, what.
? I'm showing that it was coming from Miami and it crashed.
It crashed? Jesus, was it bad? [TYPING.]
I'm showing [MAKES CLICKING SOUND.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
that everybody died.
Except one baby.
Do you want to go standby on the 1:15? Yeah, sure, that'd be great.
Do you think I'll get on? Can I have the boarding pass, please? Yeah, sure.
It shouldn't be a problem.
Is this your bag, sir? Yeah.
I need to check it by hand over here.
Okay.
Sir, what is this? That's lube.
Lube.
Yup.
Sir, you can't carry this on the plane.
I don't-- I don't need it on the plane.
I need it for later in the hotel.
Sir, if you'd like, you can go through again and mail it to yourself.
We can check your bag with the lube in it.
If my bag is checked I can keep it in there? Yes, sir.
Why--? But if it's dangerous-- Is it dangerous? No, it's not dangerous.
I'm saying if you're technically afraid of it in my carry-on, then why--? If it's a weapon in there then-- I'm just saying, why is it okay underneath? Why is it less of a threat in the belly of the plane if it has some sort of-- I'm not saying this is a weapon.
Sir, what's in this bottle? Lube.
Lube? Yes, it's lubricant for masturbating with.
It's technically made for sex, but I have personally never used it that way.
I use it to masturbate with.
It's easier to masturbate if I use this lubricant.
Let him keep it.
Ahem.
LOUIE: Thank you.
MAN: Yeah.
I don't care.
Well, you know what you should do? When you go in there, just talk to-- Ask for anybody who's like a sales manager at the Subaru place.
Well, that's-- Ha-ha-ha.
In most of these situations, they don't know what they're doing.
Just play stupid, you know? Uh-huh.
Well, you-- Ha.
I mean, if you're betting on the Jets, you moron.
Let me ask you, you think the Jets really have a chance of winning? Yeah, I do.
I think they have a chance.
Who told you that? Mike.
Ha-ha-ha.
And where you gonna go after that? I'm gonna go to the park.
Ah.
You know, you gotta do what you gotta do.
I don't think it's gonna make a difference down there with those guys.
[EXHALES.]
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
How you doing? I'm okay.
Good.
Can I have a glass of water, please? WOMAN: Just a minute.
Small plane.
Yeah.
[BELL DINGS.]
JEFF [OVER PA.]
: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Jeff Taymor.
Thanks for joining us to Birmingham this afternoon.
we're gonna have a slight delay here due to weather in Birmingham.
I haven't gotten clearance to take off yet due to a severe tornado, hurricane perfect storm.
In addition to that, we have a few maintenance issues.
Broken wing and something's wrong with the safety-related part of the plane.
we'll be getting on our way here in a few minutes.
Should be to Birmingham on time.
Thanks for flying with us, and sit back and enjoy the ride.
[THUMP.]
Whoa.
Yeah.
[GASPS.]
[BELL DINGS.]
JEFF: Ladies and gentlemen, we're hitting a rough patch of turbulence here.
There's a storm system over Birmingham and it should be pretty rough going as we poke through it.
Stay in your seats with your seat belts fastened.
we'll have you on the ground in a few minutes.
God have mercy on all our souls.
Flight attendants, prepare for landing.
[BELL DINGS.]
JEFF: Ladies and gentlemen-- PASSENGERS: Aah! JEFF: Never mind, folks.
I.
Uh.
Oh, man.
PASSENGERS: Aah! You think we're gonna die right now? I don't know.
You think? I don't know, man.
PASSENGERS: Aah! WOMAN: No, no! Jesus, God, no! Jesus! Jesus, God, no! I think that's the sound somebody makes when they're about to die.
Yeah.
[PLANE RATTLING.]
[PASSENGERS SHOUTING.]
Shit! Shit! [ENGINES ROARING.]
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Oh, man, that was.
Oh, boy.
Whew.
Well, so long, Dennis.
Take care, Louie.
Okay, man.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Anyway, I.
I feel pretty good because I finally have the body that I want.
And it's actually really easy to have the body you want.
You just have to want a shitty body.
MAN 1: Hey, man, say some shit about Mobile.
MAN 2: Yeah.
What? Say some shit about Mobile.
Why? MAN 2: You in Birmingham, buddy.
We hate Mobile.
MAN 1: Yeah.
Man, I'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna say some shit about Mobile.
MAN 1: Just say some shit about Mobile.
MAN 2: Come on, man.
Just say some shit.
I don't care about Mobile, I don't care about Birmingham.
If you want my opinion, you can take both those towns and shove them both up your ass.
MAN 2: Man, you suck.
You suck! You suck! [AUDIENCE JEERING.]
LOUIE: All right, man.
Okay.
Come on, man.
I-- I just wanna do my-- MAN 3: Go back home, Yankee.
MAN 4: I paid good money for these.
Hey, man, okay, come on.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[SIGHS.]
Rosemary.
I like it.
Alison, I have a little surprise for you tonight.
Instead of the usual thing I get every single time, I know what I want.
Where the hell am I? COP: --with the soup on it.
Four hundred times and I never get it.
This time I'm gonna get it tonight.
Hi.
Hi.
You're that comedian guy? Right? You're that comedian guy? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
My sister's a big fan of you.
Oh.
Great big fan.
Well, that's, um-- She wants to meet you, but she's shy.
Do you want to meet my sister? She's a great big fan of you.
Yeah, well, I-- She's right over there.
Wanna meet her? You wanna meet her.
Sure.
Okay.
This is Doreen.
LOUIE: Hi.
She's a big fan of you.
LOUIE: Hi.
Oh, my God, hi.
LOUIE: Hi, thank you.
Go on.
Sit down.
Go on.
I'm a really big fan of you.
Why don't you sit down? Sure, okay.
Ahem.
Hi.
I-- I used to watch your show and I've seen all your comedy and I think you're so funny.
Thank you very much.
Thanks, that's nice.
You had a show in town tonight? Yeah, I was at the Burkham Theatre.
I know, I wanted to get tickets, but it was too much, so-- Oh, sorry.
But I knew you were in town and we were sitting here and you walked in, and I said to Curtis, "Oh, my God, that's him.
" Oh, yeah? Hmm.
So you guys are from around here, or--? Yeah.
Yeah, just a couple of nobodies from Birmingham.
Heh-heh.
Oh, don't say that.
Well, you're from New York.
Yeah, well, New York is full of nobodies.
I mean, everybody's nobody.
You're really smart.
Not really.
Yeah, you are.
I just think you're great.
I mean, your comedy is just so smart and funny.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you, thank you, that's really nice.
She's a great big fan of you.
Can I say something kind of weird? Sure.
I mean, it's not weird, it's just kind of.
Well, I never thought I'd meet you.
I never even imagined it, but here you are and I just-- I wanna tell you that I think you're sexy.
Sexy.
Well, Doreen, that's really nice.
[CHUCKLES.]
And it was really nice to meet you, but I.
Oh, y-- You're leaving? LOUIE: Yeah.
You know, I got a flight to catch and so I should probably go.
I gotta go.
It was nice to meet you though.
It was really nice to meet you.
Both of you.
It was nice to-- It was nice to meet you.
So, what's wrong? You don't like my sister? She's a big fan of you, but you don't like her? Hey, man-- Hey, man.
Hey.
"Hey" what? You think you're too good for my sister? Oh, you don't wanna make out with her.
You wanna make her cry instead.
Listen, Curtis-- I told you.
My sister is a big fan of you.
And she said some nice things to you.
And now you're gonna-- Hey, thanks a lot for that back there.
That was pretty scary.
Hmm.
I never had anybody point a gun at me before.
Yeah.
Well, it's a pretty regular thing around here.
Usually don't mean nothing.
Well here's your hotel.
Great.
Listen, thanks.
Thanks again.
Sure.
Appreciate it.
Sure.
I guess I did help you out.
Yeah, you could say that again.
You know, sometimes when someone helps somebody they maybe get something in return.
Yeah, like what? Well, like a kiss on the lips would be nice.
Are you being serious? I'm not a homosexual, don't get the wrong idea.
I'd just like a kiss on the lips is all.
[SIGHS.]
Wow.
The South really is different.
I mean, people always say it, and I always say: "No, people are the same everywhere.
" But, no, it really is very different down here, man.
Look, you go on now to your hotel, you forget I said it.
Listen, you really helped me out tonight.
I mean, I never kissed a man on the lips before.
But I don't-- I don't have a really compelling reason why not.
And I don't know, if it'll make you happy.
Thanks.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night.
WOMAN: Now, you're gonna have to check that bag.
There's just no way.
But I always fly with this bag.
It's not gonna fit in the overhead.
You can see that.
I fly with this bag all the time in this type of airplane, it always fits.
Ma'am, just let me check the bag.
No, no, it'll fit.
I fly all the time.
Yeah, but it doesn't-- That doesn't affect the size of the bag.
The amount that you fly doesn't make the bag smaller or that bigger.
Just look at it.
Look at it with your eyes.
Your real eyes, not the crazy eyes.
[English - US - PSDH.]
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, you're gonna die Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
It's amazing how entitled people think they are.
People really think that they have shit coming to them, you know? And people think nothing bad should ever happen to them.
For some reason, you shouldn't even have accidents happen to you.
I was in a restaurant, this guy-- The waiter spilled some stuff on his coat.
He did that thing we all do now when we get stuff spilled on us: "What is the meaning of this?" Just so outraged.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
"Do you know who I am?" Yeah, you're the asshole who was sitting there when that happened.
So what? Maybe you'll get hit by a car someday.
Nobody gives a shit.
You're not entitled to anything.
You have to realize that.
From the moment you're born from the moment the last of your body leaves your mother's vagina from the moment that your foot stops touching your mother's vagina-- For the last time, hopefully.
Unless you later kick your mother in the vagina which you should not do.
Just my opinion, but you should not.
There are very few legitimate reasons to kick your mother in the vagina.
There's seven of them, actually.
But I'm not gonna tell you what they are, because you'll.
I know what you'll do.
[HORNS HONKING.]
That's my fare! That is my fare! No, no! This is my man! Shit on you! shit on you! You get out! Shit on me? Shit on you! [BOTH SHOUTING.]
You get in, sir.
You get in, come on, get in.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [BOTH SHOUTING.]
Get in.
[SCREAMING.]
So I'm going to the airport.
Can you take the Midtown Tunnel? Yeah.
I don't like the bridges.
Yeah, okay.
You can't do this.
I have a reservation.
You can't do this.
Goddamn it, you people are pieces of shit.
Damn it, I have a goddamn reservation.
WOMAN: Sir.
No, you had no right.
I'd be glad to put you on a flight leaving tomorrow.
But I wanted to go today.
That's why I booked.
Cocks.
A reservation, all right? Don't you understand that? You're greedy, you're just greedy.
The whole airlines is just greedy.
You push people.
You push people until they can't take it anymore.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
Good morning.
How can I help you? I'm going to Birmingham on the 11:40 flight.
Okay.
Where are you flying to? Birmingham.
What time is the flight? Eleven forty.
Okay, do you have any identification? Uh-- Yeah, right here.
Okay, great.
All right, here is your boarding pass, and it is gate 32.
Great, thank you.
Oh, can I just ask you, how's the flight doing? Is it on time, or? [TYPING.]
I'm showing that that flight is canceled.
It's canceled? Yes.
But you just gave me a seat on it.
Yes, that was before it was canceled.
What, was it canceled four seconds ago? Yes.
Why was it canceled? Is there weather, what.
? I'm showing that it was coming from Miami and it crashed.
It crashed? Jesus, was it bad? [TYPING.]
I'm showing [MAKES CLICKING SOUND.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
that everybody died.
Except one baby.
Do you want to go standby on the 1:15? Yeah, sure, that'd be great.
Do you think I'll get on? Can I have the boarding pass, please? Yeah, sure.
It shouldn't be a problem.
Is this your bag, sir? Yeah.
I need to check it by hand over here.
Okay.
Sir, what is this? That's lube.
Lube.
Yup.
Sir, you can't carry this on the plane.
I don't-- I don't need it on the plane.
I need it for later in the hotel.
Sir, if you'd like, you can go through again and mail it to yourself.
We can check your bag with the lube in it.
If my bag is checked I can keep it in there? Yes, sir.
Why--? But if it's dangerous-- Is it dangerous? No, it's not dangerous.
I'm saying if you're technically afraid of it in my carry-on, then why--? If it's a weapon in there then-- I'm just saying, why is it okay underneath? Why is it less of a threat in the belly of the plane if it has some sort of-- I'm not saying this is a weapon.
Sir, what's in this bottle? Lube.
Lube? Yes, it's lubricant for masturbating with.
It's technically made for sex, but I have personally never used it that way.
I use it to masturbate with.
It's easier to masturbate if I use this lubricant.
Let him keep it.
Ahem.
LOUIE: Thank you.
MAN: Yeah.
I don't care.
Well, you know what you should do? When you go in there, just talk to-- Ask for anybody who's like a sales manager at the Subaru place.
Well, that's-- Ha-ha-ha.
In most of these situations, they don't know what they're doing.
Just play stupid, you know? Uh-huh.
Well, you-- Ha.
I mean, if you're betting on the Jets, you moron.
Let me ask you, you think the Jets really have a chance of winning? Yeah, I do.
I think they have a chance.
Who told you that? Mike.
Ha-ha-ha.
And where you gonna go after that? I'm gonna go to the park.
Ah.
You know, you gotta do what you gotta do.
I don't think it's gonna make a difference down there with those guys.
[EXHALES.]
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
How you doing? I'm okay.
Good.
Can I have a glass of water, please? WOMAN: Just a minute.
Small plane.
Yeah.
[BELL DINGS.]
JEFF [OVER PA.]
: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Jeff Taymor.
Thanks for joining us to Birmingham this afternoon.
we're gonna have a slight delay here due to weather in Birmingham.
I haven't gotten clearance to take off yet due to a severe tornado, hurricane perfect storm.
In addition to that, we have a few maintenance issues.
Broken wing and something's wrong with the safety-related part of the plane.
we'll be getting on our way here in a few minutes.
Should be to Birmingham on time.
Thanks for flying with us, and sit back and enjoy the ride.
[THUMP.]
Whoa.
Yeah.
[GASPS.]
[BELL DINGS.]
JEFF: Ladies and gentlemen, we're hitting a rough patch of turbulence here.
There's a storm system over Birmingham and it should be pretty rough going as we poke through it.
Stay in your seats with your seat belts fastened.
we'll have you on the ground in a few minutes.
God have mercy on all our souls.
Flight attendants, prepare for landing.
[BELL DINGS.]
JEFF: Ladies and gentlemen-- PASSENGERS: Aah! JEFF: Never mind, folks.
I.
Uh.
Oh, man.
PASSENGERS: Aah! You think we're gonna die right now? I don't know.
You think? I don't know, man.
PASSENGERS: Aah! WOMAN: No, no! Jesus, God, no! Jesus! Jesus, God, no! I think that's the sound somebody makes when they're about to die.
Yeah.
[PLANE RATTLING.]
[PASSENGERS SHOUTING.]
Shit! Shit! [ENGINES ROARING.]
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Oh, man, that was.
Oh, boy.
Whew.
Well, so long, Dennis.
Take care, Louie.
Okay, man.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Anyway, I.
I feel pretty good because I finally have the body that I want.
And it's actually really easy to have the body you want.
You just have to want a shitty body.
MAN 1: Hey, man, say some shit about Mobile.
MAN 2: Yeah.
What? Say some shit about Mobile.
Why? MAN 2: You in Birmingham, buddy.
We hate Mobile.
MAN 1: Yeah.
Man, I'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna say some shit about Mobile.
MAN 1: Just say some shit about Mobile.
MAN 2: Come on, man.
Just say some shit.
I don't care about Mobile, I don't care about Birmingham.
If you want my opinion, you can take both those towns and shove them both up your ass.
MAN 2: Man, you suck.
You suck! You suck! [AUDIENCE JEERING.]
LOUIE: All right, man.
Okay.
Come on, man.
I-- I just wanna do my-- MAN 3: Go back home, Yankee.
MAN 4: I paid good money for these.
Hey, man, okay, come on.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
[SIGHS.]
Rosemary.
I like it.
Alison, I have a little surprise for you tonight.
Instead of the usual thing I get every single time, I know what I want.
Where the hell am I? COP: --with the soup on it.
Four hundred times and I never get it.
This time I'm gonna get it tonight.
Hi.
Hi.
You're that comedian guy? Right? You're that comedian guy? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
My sister's a big fan of you.
Oh.
Great big fan.
Well, that's, um-- She wants to meet you, but she's shy.
Do you want to meet my sister? She's a great big fan of you.
Yeah, well, I-- She's right over there.
Wanna meet her? You wanna meet her.
Sure.
Okay.
This is Doreen.
LOUIE: Hi.
She's a big fan of you.
LOUIE: Hi.
Oh, my God, hi.
LOUIE: Hi, thank you.
Go on.
Sit down.
Go on.
I'm a really big fan of you.
Why don't you sit down? Sure, okay.
Ahem.
Hi.
I-- I used to watch your show and I've seen all your comedy and I think you're so funny.
Thank you very much.
Thanks, that's nice.
You had a show in town tonight? Yeah, I was at the Burkham Theatre.
I know, I wanted to get tickets, but it was too much, so-- Oh, sorry.
But I knew you were in town and we were sitting here and you walked in, and I said to Curtis, "Oh, my God, that's him.
" Oh, yeah? Hmm.
So you guys are from around here, or--? Yeah.
Yeah, just a couple of nobodies from Birmingham.
Heh-heh.
Oh, don't say that.
Well, you're from New York.
Yeah, well, New York is full of nobodies.
I mean, everybody's nobody.
You're really smart.
Not really.
Yeah, you are.
I just think you're great.
I mean, your comedy is just so smart and funny.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you, thank you, that's really nice.
She's a great big fan of you.
Can I say something kind of weird? Sure.
I mean, it's not weird, it's just kind of.
Well, I never thought I'd meet you.
I never even imagined it, but here you are and I just-- I wanna tell you that I think you're sexy.
Sexy.
Well, Doreen, that's really nice.
[CHUCKLES.]
And it was really nice to meet you, but I.
Oh, y-- You're leaving? LOUIE: Yeah.
You know, I got a flight to catch and so I should probably go.
I gotta go.
It was nice to meet you though.
It was really nice to meet you.
Both of you.
It was nice to-- It was nice to meet you.
So, what's wrong? You don't like my sister? She's a big fan of you, but you don't like her? Hey, man-- Hey, man.
Hey.
"Hey" what? You think you're too good for my sister? Oh, you don't wanna make out with her.
You wanna make her cry instead.
Listen, Curtis-- I told you.
My sister is a big fan of you.
And she said some nice things to you.
And now you're gonna-- Hey, thanks a lot for that back there.
That was pretty scary.
Hmm.
I never had anybody point a gun at me before.
Yeah.
Well, it's a pretty regular thing around here.
Usually don't mean nothing.
Well here's your hotel.
Great.
Listen, thanks.
Thanks again.
Sure.
Appreciate it.
Sure.
I guess I did help you out.
Yeah, you could say that again.
You know, sometimes when someone helps somebody they maybe get something in return.
Yeah, like what? Well, like a kiss on the lips would be nice.
Are you being serious? I'm not a homosexual, don't get the wrong idea.
I'd just like a kiss on the lips is all.
[SIGHS.]
Wow.
The South really is different.
I mean, people always say it, and I always say: "No, people are the same everywhere.
" But, no, it really is very different down here, man.
Look, you go on now to your hotel, you forget I said it.
Listen, you really helped me out tonight.
I mean, I never kissed a man on the lips before.
But I don't-- I don't have a really compelling reason why not.
And I don't know, if it'll make you happy.
Thanks.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night.
WOMAN: Now, you're gonna have to check that bag.
There's just no way.
But I always fly with this bag.
It's not gonna fit in the overhead.
You can see that.
I fly with this bag all the time in this type of airplane, it always fits.
Ma'am, just let me check the bag.
No, no, it'll fit.
I fly all the time.
Yeah, but it doesn't-- That doesn't affect the size of the bag.
The amount that you fly doesn't make the bag smaller or that bigger.
Just look at it.
Look at it with your eyes.
Your real eyes, not the crazy eyes.
[English - US - PSDH.]