Louie s02e07 Episode Script
Oh Louie / Tickets
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie you're gonna cry Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie Louie, Louie you're gonna die Louie, Louie, Louie Louie Hey, what's up? You didn't open that on the kitchen table, did you? Nope.
Are you lying? Yep.
Why do you do that? The opener's right in the drawer.
Yeah, well, the table's right here.
Louie! I love you.
Aww Why would you say that? What? I mean, I just said a really dick thing.
Why-- why would you say, "I love you"? What am I supposed to do here? - Please? - Cut! What's wrong, buddy? I just Why does she say that? It's cute.
It's cute? Yeah.
Dude I thought we were gonna do a show about marriage, like a really honest, real show.
Yeah.
So what-- This woman is trying to raise two kids and her husband just keeps shittin' all over her, chipping away at all the furniture with his bad attitude.
Yeah.
I mean, are you folks seriously buying this shit? Louie, the show's gonna be great.
No, it's not! Yeah.
No, man, it's gonna suck, like every show on television.
We're making all the same mistakes.
The wife that's way too hot for the dude and the friend who I would never hang out with.
Bob, I love you, you're great, but there's no reason for you to be on this show.
I mean, honestly, no offense.
None taken.
You know what? Can you guys figure this shit out, okay? This is my last go-around.
All right, I am 38 years old.
I hitched to this horse - because you guys said you wanted to get on air.
- Yeah.
In another couple of years, these fake tits are gonna look stupid.
So if I'm wasting my time here, you need to tell me now.
You're wasting your time, you are.
Great! No, no, Jennifer, this is gonna be fine.
It-- we can't have a show where everybody just says whatever 'cause it's cute.
Boo! Oh, you know what, ( bleep ) you people! Okay, okay, look.
.
What do you want her to say to you? What do I want her to say? Yeah! You say the table is right here and then what does she say? "I'm leaving you.
" That's not funny.
Yes, it is.
That's hilarious.
Come on.
"The opener's right there.
" "Yeah, but the table's right here.
" "I'm leaving you.
" And then she leaves! And she takes the kids and then this dude has to finally face himself because she's gone and there's nobody else to be an asshole to but himself.
Don't you wanna do-- don't you wanna do that show? Wouldn't you love to do that show? Is everything okay at home, Louie? Oh, Christ.
No! All right, let's take a break.
Oh, hi.
Oh, okay.
Okay, all right.
Hey hey.
Oh, baby.
Baby, baby, baby, baby.
Your dad's not gonna have a sitcom.
Not gonna do it.
I wanted to.
I wanted to, so I wouldn't have to be on the road all the time, away from you and I just wouldnât do it.
Maybe I'm a coward.
Sorry, baby.
Your dad is a comedian.
It's your tough luck.
All right, let's put you to sleep.
I had me a rooster The rooster pleased me I fed my rooster to the green berry tree Little rooster says Lilly Lilly, I love you.
Please put your hands together and make that loud clapping sound for Louie C.
K.
! Thank you very much.
Thank you, everybody.
Uh, I have some notes I'm gonna be working off of.
I hope that's okay with you.
I've never stopped anything so cold in all my life.
That was amazing.
You guys were clapping so much and now you look like you've never clapped in your lives.
That applause is so far in the rear-view mirror right now.
That's amazing how quickly-- "Yeah !" Um There was a girl once who blew me who subsequently hung herself to death.
It's true.
Um, she didn't do it right after, just so you know.
She didn't do it, like, immediately after.
She did it two years later.
Because that's how long it takes-- that's how long you can live with having blown me before you need to end your life.
That's how long-- everyone who has blown me has died two years later of their own doing.
That's the gestation period for suicidal shame that comes from having had my penis in your mouth.
That's such an awful way to describe blowin' somebody, "having had my penis in your mouth.
" It doesn't-- it just gives you an image of somebody-- Oh, I got something Oh, I got this dick in my mouth.
Do I still have this-- Do you see this dick there? Oh, shit, yeah, you got his dick in your mouth.
Did you like your party? Mm-hmm.
But it's nice just to be here quiet with you.
The party was hard.
What's that? It's a present, what do you think it is? For me? No, it's for the little old lady who lives in your nose.
Of course it's for you.
What, did you really think I was just gonna get you slippers? Can I open it? Not 'til your birthday.
It is my birthday.
Well, all right then.
Tickets to To Sabrina Bubble.
That's right! Those were very hard to get.
Nobody-- nobody gets tickets to Sabrina Bubble, but it turns out, she and I have the same promoter You don't like it.
No, I do.
Thank you, Daddy, thank you.
It's so nice.
It's so nice? It's supposed to be amazing.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
No, no, no, no, don't do that.
I-- I thought you loved Sabrina Bubble.
Who do you like now? Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga? Jesus, honey, she's pretty grown up.
She's amazing.
She's my favorite.
I-- I appreciate that you like her, but I-- Lady Gaga's an artist.
Honey, I wouldn't-- within reason, I would never tell you what to listen to, but I-- I want you to grow up to to like yourself and have a job and be strong and to think about who you are, not I don't want you to think it's all about your looks and glamour and stuff.
Well, can't I grow up like that and still like Lady Gaga? So what cities are we lookin' at for the fall tour? All right, so I'm thinking we start in Texas.
Gonna cover Houston, Austin, Dallas, San Antonio, then El Paso-- that's one week.
Then we're gonna-- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
That's too many nights in a row.
I told you, I gotta come home every week to be with the kids, three nights a week.
I told you that.
I can't go out for that long.
Dude, Louie, you could make so much more money if you stay out longer, I'm telling you.
I know that.
But I got my kids Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights.
I can't work those nights.
That's just the way it is, Doug.
Okay, fine, I get it.
You know what, we gotta go back to El Paso next year.
Just ( bleep ) El Paso, ( bleep ) ri'em right in the ass.
All right, all right, okay, you don't have to I'm sorry for cursing.
I understand about your kids, okay? I mean, I don't have kids but I have a father, so I get it.
Um, did your girl like the Sabrina Bubble tickets? You know what, I forgot to tell you, she doesn't wanna go.
She didn't wanna go? No, she likes Lady Gaga now.
Oh, shit, Lady Gaga? Yeah, can you get tickets? No.
No, just like that? No, I can't-- Lady Gaga? No way, man.
Listen, we work with Live Promotion Inc.
She's AEG all the way.
Oh Does AEG handle any comedians? Only one.
Who? Dane Cook.
Oh.
Yeah.
Shit.
Yeah, the arena dog.
I mean, he's gonna be at the Garden.
If you want, I can get you backstage passes, you can go talk to him.
Hey, man.
Hey.
What are you doin' here? I thought you hated Dane.
I don't hate him.
You should hate him, he stole your jokes.
I don't know that he stole my jokes.
Everybody says he stole your jokes.
He stole your jokes, stupid.
I st came to talk to him about something.
I don't know What are you doing here? Pickin' up young pussy.
All his fans are college age.
You know nice and snug.
I get it.
Dane says he'll see you.
Come with us.
All right, man, I'll see l you later.
All right, later.
Take it easy.
Comin' up on the right.
Hold up for the hand-off.
Crazy.
He's coming down.
Hey, Dane.
Can I-- can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
Um, can you guys just give me a minute? Yeah.
Thanks.
Uh I need to ask you for a favor.
Well, this should be, uh That's really something.
Okay.
Look, I-- I know that, um "Um" what? I have a daughter and, uh-- What can I do for you? I have a daughter, she's ten, she just turned ten, she had a birthday and she wants to go see Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga.
Awesome.
And I know you have the same promoter as her Yeah.
so I was hoping that you could, uh you could help me to get her tickets for her birthday.
I could totally do that for you, uh, easily.
I know Lady Gaga.
You do? And, uh, yeah, I could get you tickets, backstage, and, uh, I could help you to make your daughter very, very happy.
Mm-hmm.
All you have to do is go on YouTube and tell everybody that I did not steal your material.
I never said that you stole my jokes-- You never said it.
But you let other people say it.
What let? I can't tell people what to say.
You're full of shit! Dane, look-- You know what? I'm excited that you're in this room right now 'cause I waited four years to tell you this.
Do you know the year Yes.
You don't really say "2000 and six.
" It's 2006.
"2000 and six" is like saying the year 2000 and, by the way, the number six.
"2000 and six" was the greatest year of my entire life.
I had a double-platinum comedy album.
First one ever to exist.
I had a massive HBO special.
I was on the cover of "TIME.
" Well, you were on the corner, the little corner thing.
It wasn't the-- Not like when the president is on the cover.
That should've been like my triumph, and I enjoyed it, Louie, for maybe two months.
Two months before it started to suck because everything I read about me was about how I stole jokes from you, which I didn't.
I kind of think you did.
Dude, why would I steal three jokes from you when I have hours of material? Why? Why would I do that? Risk my reputation! 'Cause they were funny jokes.
You know what, Louie? You know what the biggest lie in the world is? Is that I'm a rock star, I'm a millionaire, I'm-- I'm a comedy behemoth and you're like a comic's comic and you're an inside-joke guy and I'm a sellout and-- and I sold my soul and you have-- you have artistic integrity and you're a-- you're a good guy.
We're in this room right now, you and me.
You looking at me.
You let your name be used to hurt me.
And now you're sitting here, asking me to use my fame to get you tickets to Lady Gaga.
I mean, how shitty do you feel right now? Very.
So you admit that this is all bullshit.
You wanna know what I think? You wanna I don't think that you saw me do those jokes and said, "I'm gonna tell those jokes, too.
" I don't think there's a world where you're that stupid or that bad a guy.
I-- I do think, though, that you're like-- you're like a machine of success.
You're like-- like a rocket and you're rocketing to the stars and your engines are sucking stuff up.
Stuff is getting sucked up in your engines, like birds and bugs and some of my jokes.
I think you saw me do them-- I know you saw me do them and I think they just went in your brain and I don't think you meant to do it, but I don't think you stopped yourself, either.
And that's why I never felt the need to help you not be hated by a lot of people.
But I feel bad.
I mean, I do, I feel bad.
That's great that you feel bad, right here, in this room, just, y'know, the two of us, alone.
Maybe if you felt bad publicly, on the Internet, then this could all be behind us-- Well, well, are you willing to admit, even for a minute, that maybe-- maybe you inadvertently took 'emok or some-- maybe you had some part of it? Maybe they got in your brain and you shat 'em out.
Maybe it was inadvertent, but maybe it did happen.
I-- I shouldn't have come here, man-- Louie, do you want the tickets? Because I'm sure that your-- Honestly, I think that your daughter-- I bet she's really nice.
But you got a lot of nerve comin' in here, man.
I don't know, it's like I don't have kids, so I don't-- I don't get it, but it must mean a lot for you to, you know, come in here and do this, so, um you want the tickets? Thank you, I-- Yes, I'd like the tickets.
How many? Two, please.
You got 'em, mm-hmm, okay.
That's good.
Thank you, I appreciate it a lot, seriously.
You know, the one thing that, like, really just gets to me is the whole thing about, um, people saying that I stole the joke about the itchy asshole? Because I-- I get an itchy asshole a lot.
So for you to think that you're the only person who got an itchy asshole in America-- I mean, that's like, that's that's bullshit, y'know? You should try a a natural laundry detergent.
What? Your daughter is ten? Yeah.
Why are you getting her tickets? What do you mean? She's ten.
I mean, I remember being ten.
An envelope when you're ten is it's a bummer.
You know, when you're a kid, you want, like, a box.
You know, why don't you go get her something? Get her something, like a gift that you found, from her daddy, you know? A box is exciting when you're a kid.
An envelope is, you know Oh, shit.
Hey, you want a snack? Oh, yeah, thanks, Dad.
No, not yet, this first.
Can I open it? Yes! Thanks, Daddy.
That's nice.
Okay, happy birthday.
Thanks.
Hey, what's up? You didn't open that on the kitchen table, did you? Nope.
Are you lying? Yep.
Why do you do that? The opener is right in the drawer.
Yeah, but the table's right here.
Louie! I love you.
Aww I love you, too.
Aww.
You're everything to me.
Are you lying? Yep.
Why do you do that? The opener's right in the drawer.
Yeah, well, the table's right here.
Louie! I love you.
Aww Why would you say that? What? I mean, I just said a really dick thing.
Why-- why would you say, "I love you"? What am I supposed to do here? - Please? - Cut! What's wrong, buddy? I just Why does she say that? It's cute.
It's cute? Yeah.
Dude I thought we were gonna do a show about marriage, like a really honest, real show.
Yeah.
So what-- This woman is trying to raise two kids and her husband just keeps shittin' all over her, chipping away at all the furniture with his bad attitude.
Yeah.
I mean, are you folks seriously buying this shit? Louie, the show's gonna be great.
No, it's not! Yeah.
No, man, it's gonna suck, like every show on television.
We're making all the same mistakes.
The wife that's way too hot for the dude and the friend who I would never hang out with.
Bob, I love you, you're great, but there's no reason for you to be on this show.
I mean, honestly, no offense.
None taken.
You know what? Can you guys figure this shit out, okay? This is my last go-around.
All right, I am 38 years old.
I hitched to this horse - because you guys said you wanted to get on air.
- Yeah.
In another couple of years, these fake tits are gonna look stupid.
So if I'm wasting my time here, you need to tell me now.
You're wasting your time, you are.
Great! No, no, Jennifer, this is gonna be fine.
It-- we can't have a show where everybody just says whatever 'cause it's cute.
Boo! Oh, you know what, ( bleep ) you people! Okay, okay, look.
.
What do you want her to say to you? What do I want her to say? Yeah! You say the table is right here and then what does she say? "I'm leaving you.
" That's not funny.
Yes, it is.
That's hilarious.
Come on.
"The opener's right there.
" "Yeah, but the table's right here.
" "I'm leaving you.
" And then she leaves! And she takes the kids and then this dude has to finally face himself because she's gone and there's nobody else to be an asshole to but himself.
Don't you wanna do-- don't you wanna do that show? Wouldn't you love to do that show? Is everything okay at home, Louie? Oh, Christ.
No! All right, let's take a break.
Oh, hi.
Oh, okay.
Okay, all right.
Hey hey.
Oh, baby.
Baby, baby, baby, baby.
Your dad's not gonna have a sitcom.
Not gonna do it.
I wanted to.
I wanted to, so I wouldn't have to be on the road all the time, away from you and I just wouldnât do it.
Maybe I'm a coward.
Sorry, baby.
Your dad is a comedian.
It's your tough luck.
All right, let's put you to sleep.
I had me a rooster The rooster pleased me I fed my rooster to the green berry tree Little rooster says Lilly Lilly, I love you.
Please put your hands together and make that loud clapping sound for Louie C.
K.
! Thank you very much.
Thank you, everybody.
Uh, I have some notes I'm gonna be working off of.
I hope that's okay with you.
I've never stopped anything so cold in all my life.
That was amazing.
You guys were clapping so much and now you look like you've never clapped in your lives.
That applause is so far in the rear-view mirror right now.
That's amazing how quickly-- "Yeah !" Um There was a girl once who blew me who subsequently hung herself to death.
It's true.
Um, she didn't do it right after, just so you know.
She didn't do it, like, immediately after.
She did it two years later.
Because that's how long it takes-- that's how long you can live with having blown me before you need to end your life.
That's how long-- everyone who has blown me has died two years later of their own doing.
That's the gestation period for suicidal shame that comes from having had my penis in your mouth.
That's such an awful way to describe blowin' somebody, "having had my penis in your mouth.
" It doesn't-- it just gives you an image of somebody-- Oh, I got something Oh, I got this dick in my mouth.
Do I still have this-- Do you see this dick there? Oh, shit, yeah, you got his dick in your mouth.
Did you like your party? Mm-hmm.
But it's nice just to be here quiet with you.
The party was hard.
What's that? It's a present, what do you think it is? For me? No, it's for the little old lady who lives in your nose.
Of course it's for you.
What, did you really think I was just gonna get you slippers? Can I open it? Not 'til your birthday.
It is my birthday.
Well, all right then.
Tickets to To Sabrina Bubble.
That's right! Those were very hard to get.
Nobody-- nobody gets tickets to Sabrina Bubble, but it turns out, she and I have the same promoter You don't like it.
No, I do.
Thank you, Daddy, thank you.
It's so nice.
It's so nice? It's supposed to be amazing.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
No, no, no, no, don't do that.
I-- I thought you loved Sabrina Bubble.
Who do you like now? Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga? Jesus, honey, she's pretty grown up.
She's amazing.
She's my favorite.
I-- I appreciate that you like her, but I-- Lady Gaga's an artist.
Honey, I wouldn't-- within reason, I would never tell you what to listen to, but I-- I want you to grow up to to like yourself and have a job and be strong and to think about who you are, not I don't want you to think it's all about your looks and glamour and stuff.
Well, can't I grow up like that and still like Lady Gaga? So what cities are we lookin' at for the fall tour? All right, so I'm thinking we start in Texas.
Gonna cover Houston, Austin, Dallas, San Antonio, then El Paso-- that's one week.
Then we're gonna-- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
That's too many nights in a row.
I told you, I gotta come home every week to be with the kids, three nights a week.
I told you that.
I can't go out for that long.
Dude, Louie, you could make so much more money if you stay out longer, I'm telling you.
I know that.
But I got my kids Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights.
I can't work those nights.
That's just the way it is, Doug.
Okay, fine, I get it.
You know what, we gotta go back to El Paso next year.
Just ( bleep ) El Paso, ( bleep ) ri'em right in the ass.
All right, all right, okay, you don't have to I'm sorry for cursing.
I understand about your kids, okay? I mean, I don't have kids but I have a father, so I get it.
Um, did your girl like the Sabrina Bubble tickets? You know what, I forgot to tell you, she doesn't wanna go.
She didn't wanna go? No, she likes Lady Gaga now.
Oh, shit, Lady Gaga? Yeah, can you get tickets? No.
No, just like that? No, I can't-- Lady Gaga? No way, man.
Listen, we work with Live Promotion Inc.
She's AEG all the way.
Oh Does AEG handle any comedians? Only one.
Who? Dane Cook.
Oh.
Yeah.
Shit.
Yeah, the arena dog.
I mean, he's gonna be at the Garden.
If you want, I can get you backstage passes, you can go talk to him.
Hey, man.
Hey.
What are you doin' here? I thought you hated Dane.
I don't hate him.
You should hate him, he stole your jokes.
I don't know that he stole my jokes.
Everybody says he stole your jokes.
He stole your jokes, stupid.
I st came to talk to him about something.
I don't know What are you doing here? Pickin' up young pussy.
All his fans are college age.
You know nice and snug.
I get it.
Dane says he'll see you.
Come with us.
All right, man, I'll see l you later.
All right, later.
Take it easy.
Comin' up on the right.
Hold up for the hand-off.
Crazy.
He's coming down.
Hey, Dane.
Can I-- can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
Um, can you guys just give me a minute? Yeah.
Thanks.
Uh I need to ask you for a favor.
Well, this should be, uh That's really something.
Okay.
Look, I-- I know that, um "Um" what? I have a daughter and, uh-- What can I do for you? I have a daughter, she's ten, she just turned ten, she had a birthday and she wants to go see Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga.
Awesome.
And I know you have the same promoter as her Yeah.
so I was hoping that you could, uh you could help me to get her tickets for her birthday.
I could totally do that for you, uh, easily.
I know Lady Gaga.
You do? And, uh, yeah, I could get you tickets, backstage, and, uh, I could help you to make your daughter very, very happy.
Mm-hmm.
All you have to do is go on YouTube and tell everybody that I did not steal your material.
I never said that you stole my jokes-- You never said it.
But you let other people say it.
What let? I can't tell people what to say.
You're full of shit! Dane, look-- You know what? I'm excited that you're in this room right now 'cause I waited four years to tell you this.
Do you know the year Yes.
You don't really say "2000 and six.
" It's 2006.
"2000 and six" is like saying the year 2000 and, by the way, the number six.
"2000 and six" was the greatest year of my entire life.
I had a double-platinum comedy album.
First one ever to exist.
I had a massive HBO special.
I was on the cover of "TIME.
" Well, you were on the corner, the little corner thing.
It wasn't the-- Not like when the president is on the cover.
That should've been like my triumph, and I enjoyed it, Louie, for maybe two months.
Two months before it started to suck because everything I read about me was about how I stole jokes from you, which I didn't.
I kind of think you did.
Dude, why would I steal three jokes from you when I have hours of material? Why? Why would I do that? Risk my reputation! 'Cause they were funny jokes.
You know what, Louie? You know what the biggest lie in the world is? Is that I'm a rock star, I'm a millionaire, I'm-- I'm a comedy behemoth and you're like a comic's comic and you're an inside-joke guy and I'm a sellout and-- and I sold my soul and you have-- you have artistic integrity and you're a-- you're a good guy.
We're in this room right now, you and me.
You looking at me.
You let your name be used to hurt me.
And now you're sitting here, asking me to use my fame to get you tickets to Lady Gaga.
I mean, how shitty do you feel right now? Very.
So you admit that this is all bullshit.
You wanna know what I think? You wanna I don't think that you saw me do those jokes and said, "I'm gonna tell those jokes, too.
" I don't think there's a world where you're that stupid or that bad a guy.
I-- I do think, though, that you're like-- you're like a machine of success.
You're like-- like a rocket and you're rocketing to the stars and your engines are sucking stuff up.
Stuff is getting sucked up in your engines, like birds and bugs and some of my jokes.
I think you saw me do them-- I know you saw me do them and I think they just went in your brain and I don't think you meant to do it, but I don't think you stopped yourself, either.
And that's why I never felt the need to help you not be hated by a lot of people.
But I feel bad.
I mean, I do, I feel bad.
That's great that you feel bad, right here, in this room, just, y'know, the two of us, alone.
Maybe if you felt bad publicly, on the Internet, then this could all be behind us-- Well, well, are you willing to admit, even for a minute, that maybe-- maybe you inadvertently took 'emok or some-- maybe you had some part of it? Maybe they got in your brain and you shat 'em out.
Maybe it was inadvertent, but maybe it did happen.
I-- I shouldn't have come here, man-- Louie, do you want the tickets? Because I'm sure that your-- Honestly, I think that your daughter-- I bet she's really nice.
But you got a lot of nerve comin' in here, man.
I don't know, it's like I don't have kids, so I don't-- I don't get it, but it must mean a lot for you to, you know, come in here and do this, so, um you want the tickets? Thank you, I-- Yes, I'd like the tickets.
How many? Two, please.
You got 'em, mm-hmm, okay.
That's good.
Thank you, I appreciate it a lot, seriously.
You know, the one thing that, like, really just gets to me is the whole thing about, um, people saying that I stole the joke about the itchy asshole? Because I-- I get an itchy asshole a lot.
So for you to think that you're the only person who got an itchy asshole in America-- I mean, that's like, that's that's bullshit, y'know? You should try a a natural laundry detergent.
What? Your daughter is ten? Yeah.
Why are you getting her tickets? What do you mean? She's ten.
I mean, I remember being ten.
An envelope when you're ten is it's a bummer.
You know, when you're a kid, you want, like, a box.
You know, why don't you go get her something? Get her something, like a gift that you found, from her daddy, you know? A box is exciting when you're a kid.
An envelope is, you know Oh, shit.
Hey, you want a snack? Oh, yeah, thanks, Dad.
No, not yet, this first.
Can I open it? Yes! Thanks, Daddy.
That's nice.
Okay, happy birthday.
Thanks.
Hey, what's up? You didn't open that on the kitchen table, did you? Nope.
Are you lying? Yep.
Why do you do that? The opener is right in the drawer.
Yeah, but the table's right here.
Louie! I love you.
Aww I love you, too.
Aww.
You're everything to me.