Lucas Bros Moving Co (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - A.C. Tundra

1 SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX and white cats, I just feel like SEX SEX Hey! Roll down the window.
- Hey, man, why's this dude so mad? - Roll down the window! Hey! Probably cause he's outside.
It's mad hot out there, yo.
- Should we roll down our window? - Yeah, but just a little bit.
- You don't want to waste the A.
- Yeah, the A.
Some people say A.
Slater is the Scottie Pippen to Zack Morris's Michael Jordan, - but I disagree.
- I don't think anybody says that.
- What's good, bro? - What's good?! You guys were supposed to be moving my stuff hours ago.
It's the hottest day of the year.
Who works in this kind of heat? You do! Your contract says specifically you move under any conditions, including rain, snow or extreme heat! Oh, dude, that's supposed to be extreme sleet.
How'd you mess that up? All right, whatever.
We'll go do it.
But I'ma miss A.
Much like he was missed in "saved by the bell: the new class.
" - They still had Mr.
Belding though.
- That's a good point.
1x02 - A/C Tundra It's so hot.
I'm sweatin' like Patrick Ewing right now.
Oh! Oh snap, it's Jake the Snake.
- You're a tow-truck driver now? - Sure am.
The pay's good and I get to crush things.
I'm glad for you.
But why are you taking our van? It's parked illegally in a bike lane.
Come on, move it.
I'm a bicyclist! - I'm bicycling! - I'm towing your van to the pound.
It's going to cost $150 to get it out.
If you don't pick it up before noon tomorrow, - I'm going to crush it.
- Why you gotta be so cold, Jake the Snake? Look, brothers, I don't make the rules.
But I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't going to enjoy crushing your van.
Not because I don't like you guys, but honestly, it's a a sexual thing.
So it sounds like Jake the Snake has this sexual fetish for crushing things.
- Yeah, that's what we think.
- But now we need $150 more - to get our van back.
- What if I paid you $150 to stop talking about your financial problems? Well, if it isn't Natasha who lives upstairs from us.
Yeah, what do we look like, Natasha from the fifth flo'? We don't take charity from rich people.
- We only take it from poor people.
- Yeah.
Or middle-class people.
Well, my air conditioning is still broken in my apartment.
So what if I pay you to buy and install one for me? That way it's not charity and you'll shut up.
- Yeah, we're cool with that.
- This is perfect, brothers.
I know a dude that can hook us up with the best A.
in Greenpoint.
Whoop, there it is.
Hey, how much you want for the A.
? You don't want that.
What about a dvd of a television hit, "Black people, white cats"? - Aw, man.
- Someone stole our idea.
Seriously, how much for the A.
? - I'm telling you, you don't want that.
- But why? This air-conditioning unit was responsible for the great Greenpoint prison riot of 1994.
Yeah, I remember that.
That was in 1994.
It worked so well that the prison guards fell asleep during their shift.
This allowed the prisoners to break out - and kill all the guards.
- Wake up, bitch! They say this air-conditioning unit is cursed by Satan himself.
That's nonsense, man.
Satan wouldn't do that.
Yeah, stop trying to use Satan to convince us to pay you more.
We'll give you 45 bucks for it.
$50 and I'll throw in this lighter.
When you turn it over, the woman's clothes mysteriously fall away.
We'll take it.
- Later, Jarod! - Later, Dad.
- A.
Slater's dancing.
- Guys, you're the best.
Good luck getting your van back tomorrow.
Here's your money.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to enjoy my nice cold apartment, pour myself glass of pino and watch season four of "Black people, white cats.
" Black people and white cats they've been cursed by a gypsy How did they stretch this premise out to four seasons? - What is the premise? - I don't know.
Let's celebrate a job well done.
Yeah, this is the perfect opportunity to christen our new lighter.
Now let's turn it over.
- Oh no, chick has a penis.
- We're not using this anymore.
- Just throw that in the garbage.
- No, I'm not gonna throw it - I'm gonna return it for my money.
- Eh, either way - I don't wanna get high anymore.
- Yeah, let's just go to bed.
We gotta get to the pound by noon.
- Good night, Kenny.
- Good night, Keef.
Hey, good morning, Natasha, how you doin'? Don't "good morning" me! The entire building is frozen because of that A.
you installed! Huh, I guess his A.
was haunted by Satan.
If you two don't get to the furnace in the basement and turn it on, - we're all gonna die.
- If we die, we'll never get our van back.
Aw, man, it's cold, man.
- Yeah, it's freezing.
- It's freezing, dude.
- I should have grabbed a jacket.
- Should we just hug and walk? - Yeah.
- Oh hey, Mrs.
Henderson, this is crazy, right? - Oh, it sure is, boys.
- Do you know how to get to the furnace? Oh, of course I do - You want to go back the other way? - Let's go back the other way.
Oh look, it's an ice bear! - You mean a polar bear? - No, it's an ice bear.
It's an ice-cold bear.
Oh sick, let's pet him.
Man, ice bear's are wack.
Let's go back the other way.
Oh man, I totally forgot about that hole.
- Me too.
- What are we gonna do? - We're jumping.
- Okay, let's jump.
Uuuuup! Cool.
You know what, Kenny? We had a really good run as brothers.
It was a good run! Oh well, I guess that's it.
Oh man, I was ready to die.
- Whoa-aaaaa.
- I'm Jumanji.
- Oh snap.
- Yo, Keef, I told you Jumanji was gonna save us one day.
- Yes, Kenny, you did.
- You want some mushrooms? Naw, man, we're cool.
Can you just help us find the furnace? Don't worry, I got this.
Hey, Jumanji, where did you come from? I'm from a magical land where it's nothing but white sand and beautiful blonde girls with tans.
- Oh really? - Nah, I'm from Detroit.
You want some mushrooms? I was in my hotel room when the shrooms kicked in and I was watching "Lord of the rings.
" Damn, Jumanji really likes mushrooms.
And I was in the room by myself so I freaked out - and I just ran out that bitch.
- Yo, look out! But next thing I know I thought I'm seeing Japanese writing in the sky.
- Ah! - Whoa! I'm seeing all type of .
and then I run to the bus and my other homie that took the shrooms, he's staring at his hands.
Whoa whoa whoa! Then when I came outside, you know downtown - Cleveland is not that lit up.
- Oh snap, Jumanji did it.
We're here.
Gentleman, here it is! La furnace.
La furnace just sound like a Mexican orgy or something, man.
Giant white cats! Oh snap! What are we gonna do? - Keef, you know what we gotta do.
- I know.
- We gotta give up.
- Absolutely.
Nah nah nah nah, I got a better plan.
I'll distract the tigers by feeding them mushrooms.
- What? - And doing a little bit of rapping.
Ah okay.
That makes sense.
Wait, you want some mushrooms? Well, you keep pushing them on us, so yeah, I guess we'll take them.
Sounds like he has it under control.
- Let's go inside.
- # rapping out on a fast pace # like my name was Biggie Dig but I don't know no Diddy, got some dirty mind and with me got some Bobby and that Whitney but Christina and Britney she sent me to then she drive along with that caddy she wit it, I'm wit it she wit it, I'm wit it she wit it, I'm wit it.
Yo, I think the mushrooms are Kicking in.
Go go go go.
Go, Lucas brothers.
Go turn the furnace on! Aw sh We need something to light the furnace.
- Oh, I got this lighter.
- No! We cannot use that lighter.
The streets won't be kind to us for using the lighter with a chick with a penis.
Hello, boys, - you gotta use the lighter.
- Naw, we can't do it, Jake.
Not for you, not for anybody.
If you don't, you'll never get that moving van! Jake's pretty persuasive.
- We gotta do it for the van.
- All right, I'll do it for the van.
Streets, I'm sorry.
Yo! We need more fuel for the fire! Don't worry, I'm gonna sacrifice my body to save the Lucas brothers! Thanks, Jumanji, you're a true warrior.
I told you Jumanji was gonna save us twice in one day.
Yes, you did, Kenny, yes, you did.
I'll see you soon, Lucas brothers! Jumanji, you forgot your mushrooms! I'm so high right now, man.
Whoa! What the Hey, Jake, we got the money for the van.
Oh, so close, but fair is fair and my word is bond.
Let her down, boys! Cool.
- Bye, Satan.
- Sorry we didn't get to work things out.
No-ooo! Black people and white cats