Lucas Bros Moving Co (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Escape From Momma

1 - Yo, it's close.
- I know.
I mean, how long we been waiting? We've been waiting all our lives for this.
Oh snap, it's turning on Dobbin Street as we speak.
And here it is.
Your package has arrived.
What's good, mail lady? You know, same old shit, different [bleep] day.
- Cool! Do you have a package for us? - Nope.
But we ordered a pair of Bret "the hitman" Hart sunglasses.
And the internet said that they definitely on that truck.
I'm just [bleep] with you, Lucas bitches.
Here you go.
Whoa.
- This is the happiest day of my life.
- Ah! Those look awesome.
- Let me try.
- No, not yet.
No, come on, man.
You had 'em on for two seconds.
It's my turn.
- I get at least 10 more seconds.
- No, no, man.
- You can't have 'em for that long.
It's my turn.
- All right, take it.
- This is heaven right here, Ken.
- You look good.
- I feel great.
- Anything else for us, mail lady? Yup, you got this letter.
- Cool! Who's it from? - It says it's from the government.
Oh, what's it say? - We're being audited.
- What does that mean? It means the government's gonna take your shit.
And I work for the government! - That's no fair! - Peace, Lucas bitches! What's the damage, Jerrod? How bad does it look? And be honest, man.
We can take it.
It doesn't look good, brothers.
By my calculations, you owe the government - $10,000.
- 10 stacks? - That's impossible.
- I don't know what to tell you.
It looks like you're gonna have to go to tax court.
- Tax court? - For real? You better hope the I.
R.
S.
takes pity on you.
Judge I.
R.
S.
takes pity on no one! The Lucas tax cheats are going to jail! Let 'em go! Coco B.
Bailiff, take 'em away! Wait, wait, wait, hold up.
I got a better plan, judge.
How about instead of sentencing us to jail, you let us coach a kids' hockey team? Yeah, like that white hispanic dude in Mighty Ducks.
Shut up! Prepare for the worst six months of your lives.
Monday night court is adjourned! When the moon goes down in the valley of time Talkin' bout time When the sun gets to sun Dude! Bunk beds.
- Yup, just like home.
- Oh, and look, the toilet's in our room! How convenient.
- I could just stand on my bed and pee.
- This is perfect.
Prison ain't bad at all.
- What was HBO talking about? - I love prison.
And you don't even know the half of it, Lucas Brothers.
- Oh snap, it's Dad.
- Long time, no see, Dad.
- You disappeared on last time.
- And the time before that.
So, Dad, what are you doing here? Just having the time of my life is all.
Prison is the bomb! It seems pretty dope.
I don't understand why it gets such a bad rap.
Boys we just tell people prison is bad so they don't wanna come.
- Oh, really? - Why? What kind of exclusive club would prison be if - they let everybody in? - I guess that makes sense.
I've always wanted to be in an exclusive club.
Now you're talking.
We do what we want, when we want, how we want.
Who gonna stop us? Your mama? Woman can't break in here.
This is a state-of-the-art security facility, straight up wrapped in barbed wire.
Now get some sleep, boys, 'cause tomorrow is Sunday.
Aw, man.
Does that mean we gotta go to church? Hell to the nah! Tomorrow's when the hookers come.
Now lights out.
Now here at Greenpoint prison, we got all the amenities.
We got the internet café with high-speed internet.
And that's the movie theater Imax and regular.
We got rollercoasters, go kart tracks, and of course, fine dining.
Today, our chef has arranged a seasonal medley of fruity holes, served in a 2% milk sauce.
It is prepared in a bowl and best enjoyed eaten with a spoon.
Man! This place is so dope.
It's like I died and went to prison heaven.
Dad, what's going on here, man? There's no way the warden's cool with all this.
Yeah, aren't wardens usually jerks? Maybe on HBO, which we have here.
Warden, let me introduce you to my chirren.
- Chirren, this is warden.
- Welcome to prison, Lucas Brothers.
- Thanks, warden.
- Happy to be here.
- Champagne? - Don't mind if we do.
- To life - In prison.
Lucas Brothers, your boy Jerrod is here to see you.
Oh cool, Jerrod's here.
- What it do, Jerrod? - Hey, brothers.
How you doing? Are you # keeping your head up? # Yeah, we're trying, dude, but prison is just as bad as HBO says it is.
There's not a single waterslide here.
Well, I knew you'd be really sad, so I brought someone to cheer you guys up.
- Cedric the Entertainer? - Oh, that's awesome.
How could he not cheer you up? I mean, he has "entertainer" in his name.
- No, brothers, I brought your mom.
- Man, that's not Cedric the Entertainer.
- Get out of the way, Jerrod.
- Oh.
Hey, Mom.
I can't believe you Lucas Brothers caught a case.
You two are a disgrace.
I only expected this from your father.
Hey, Lucas Brothers, your massage appointment Oh snap! Oh, hell no, Houdini! You no-good son of a bitch! You owe me money! - Give that money[bleep]! - That bulletproof glass, woman.
You can't touch me in here.
I am untouch-a-bal.
I'm gonna get in there, mother [bleep], - If it's the last thing I do! - Guards! Take her away! Get your hands off of me! I'm a lady! Houdini! As god as my witness, I'm gonna find a way to get in there and make you pay.
All prisoners report to the common area.
Warden, warden, warden - Hey, Dad, what's going on? - Warden called a town hall meeting.
- About what? - I don't know.
He likes to keep it a surprise.
Last time he gave everybody in the front row funfetti, and you know how I feel about funfetti.
You guys.
You guys are too much.
Settle down.
Come on, stop.
Okay.
All right, I've got some bittersweet news.
Turns out I done such a good job here that I've been reassigned to spruce up a prison upstate.
No, warden! - You can't go! - Don't leave us! Please, please, don't make this harder on me than it already is.
You're all like my family, which is why the only person I was comfortable taking my place was a member of your family, specifically you, Lucas Brothers.
Inmates of Greenpoint prison give it up for your new warden.
Momma Lucas! Look who broke her ass into prison! It's Momma Lucas, bitch! Oh snap.
- Uno, Lucas chirren! - Well-played, Dad.
Oh no.
You know you can't play uno in my prison.
That's the devil's game.
Now lights out! - But it's only 6:30.
- I'm not even tired.
I don't give a shit! Go to sleep! Damn, damn, damn! I can't spend the rest of my life with that woman.
That's why I left all y'all in the first place.
Yeah, mom's treating this prison like a - What's it like? What's she treating us like? - What's it just like? It's like it's I think she's treating it exactly like a prison's supposed to be treated.
- So what are we supposed to do? - There's only one thing we can do.
We breaking out.
I don't know, dude.
Breaking out of prison sounds incredibly tough.
Hell to the nah! Lucas Brothers, to escape, you follow three simple steps.
What are you doing here, Houdini? Don't make me throw you in the hole! Hold up, hold up, girl.
I was thinking we could dance to some Keith Sweat, just like old times.
Damn it, Houdini! You know I can't resist Keith Sweat.
Keith Sweat's greatest hits isn't very long it's really just nobody and twisted.
That's it, so we'd better move fast.
Aretha, I know I haven't been the best father or spouse, but prison has truly reformed me.
I had my doubts, but I see how close the boys have grown with you.
Maybe we should try to start our family again.
How about we start with a kiss? Let's make it last forever And ever Ooh! I'm gonna kill that mother [bleep]! He gets me every time with that shit.
All right, Miguel.
Pull! Hasta la vista, mi Lucas amigos.
Oh snap! What's up, Lucas family? Let's go.
Freeze! You thought you could escape Momma Lucas? Are you crazy? I want the Lucas twins brought back to me alive.
You can shoot that other one, though.
Damn! The jig is up.
Looks like we gonna be spending the rest of our lives with yo mama.
Well, maybe not all of us.
What are you talking about Lucas Brothers? - Go on without us, Dad.
- Yeah, she's our Mom.
We have to deal with her, whether we like it or not, - but you don't.
- We'll buy you some time.
Just just go on with Dad sure knows how to leave us.
He's the Picasso of abandoning his children.
It's a privilege to be able to watch a master do his craft.
Hey, you eight-eyed mother[bleep], get your asses back in this prison right now! Yes, Mom.
You know what? If the I.
R.
S.
had given us that mighty ducks option, we'd be in the finals playing the Hawks right now.
I know.
You think we would have to use the triple deke? Of course have to use the triple deke.
That's the only way to win, my friend.
- Ducks fly together.
- Yup, Ducks fly together.
- Hey! Lucas Brothers! - What's good, mail lady? - Y'all got mail.
- Oh, for real? - Who's it from? - It's from Dad.
What does it say? Lights out right now, Lucas Brothers! Yes, Mom.
Momma warden loves you very much.
- Prison is dope.
- I wanna stay in prison forever.
Hey, let's commit a crime so we can get life.
- Yeah.
- I wouldn't murder anyone, though.
No, no, no, no, let's do something cool, like tax evasion.
- Can you get life for tax evasion? - I don't know.
Let's just do what O.
J.
did.
Oh snap.