Lunch Monkeys (2009) s01e01 Episode Script

Here, Tania, listen to this.
- What's that? - It's me back, stress.
This job's crippling me.
- It hurts! - Stop it.
It's making me sick.
My spine! - God! Are you all right? - It's bubble-wrap.
I thought you'd really hurt yourself.
Sometimes you're the most immature person I know.
My spine! It's free? I'm doing shredding! - It's my turn on the rota! - Rotas are for girls! - Stop it! - No, you'll hurt him! What have you done to him? It's OK, he's gone.
He can't hurt you now.
Keeping you up? Shelley, nice of you to join us on your first day.
A bit late, but never mind.
I'm dead sorry, I missed me train.
Don't worry about it.
Don't let it ruin your first day at Fox Cranford.
I'll just make a note of it in your file.
We've got a fun day planned.
- Lots of new and exciting things.
- Brilliant.
- Do you like photocopying? - Not really.
I'm so bored of this.
Offices and laws and putting things in envelopes.
That's the best bit! Getting the words in the little window.
I'm really good at it, look.
- Is this what you want to do? - What else? It just seems like there should be more to life than this.
What about piggyback fighting? Everyone, this is Shelley.
The latest addition to our little team.
What are you two doing? I don't think that's on the rota.
Actually, it is.
Get down, you're not at school! What did it say in them letters to your parents? Responsibility.
Responsibility.
How many times? Now, Shelley, as office manager I'll personally be doing your induction today.
Excusez moi.
Hello, Janice! Cakes on the third floor? Now? Bloody hell.
I'll be up in a second.
Nab me an eclair, will you? Actually, I best not.
I'll just have a muffin instead.
I'll see you in a second.
Now, where was I? Something about a personal induction.
Does anyone want to do Shelley's induction? - I will.
- Thank you, Darrel.
My God, look at the state of that! - Is this your new girlfriend? - What? Look everyone, it's Darrel's new girlfriend! It's not.
At least you didn't have to blow it up.
Blow-up blow-up girlfriend! - Stop it.
- You've done well for yourself.
Better looking than the ones he normally gets! Gloria, they're client photos.
Last time I looked, it was Gloria Stevens, office manager.
It's client confidentiality.
I know what confidentiality means and I can spell it, too.
She's dyslexic, she can't spell.
Right, now, where was I? Cakes.
Then, you press these for number of copies that makes it go.
And yonder.
You need to ask her out.
She's not gonna stay single forever.
All right, I'll ask her.
Later.
I'm just a bit nervous.
Do it now, I'll help you.
I'll be subtle.
Come over.
- Kenny's got something he wants to ask.
- I haven't.
- Go on.
- What is it? Do you like kebabs? Don't talk to me about kebabs.
I'm feeling proper poorly.
I've just been sick in t'bogs.
I could see everything I'd eaten.
Frosties, sweetcorn.
- What did you have for breakfast? - These two.
God, I think it's coming back for seconds.
I can see why you like her.
Mike, this is Shelley.
It's her first day.
I'm just showing her the ropes.
Not literally.
Shelley, this is Mike Cranford.
The managing partner, the main man.
The head honcho.
The big cheese So You enjoying your first day? What? Did you say something? I asked if you were enjoying your first day.
Right.
It's all right.
- Make yourself at home.
- Cheers, Mark.
Now, we tend not to wear iPods at work.
You should get one.
They're really easy.
- My grandad's just the same.
- It's not that I don't want one All right, Mum? I'm in there now.
It's all right, a bit boring.
I don't know.
Probably finish about half three.
God! I dunno.
Fish fingers? No, hang on, nuggets.
Nuggets! Nuggets! - Must have lost the signal.
- Now, there are a few basic Hang on, I'd better just send her a little text.
- How d'you spell nuggets? - I think we best be going.
Nightmare.
Is that a client? Look at that, what happened to her? Was it a bad accident? Chip pan.
It can happen when you're pissed.
My mum, she's a right This is my wife.
Right.
Fit? Are you feeling any better yet? I've just been sick again.
And yesterday an' all.
Do you think you might be chubbed? I dunno.
Actually, I am a bit late.
I hate being late for things, particularly aeroplane rides.
AI've got a secret, you've got to promise not to tell anyone.
My God, are you a bloke? What? Thank goodness for that.
I've tugged about you.
It would have made things awkward.
I've got a boyfriend.
- Is it Kenny? - No! Guess again.
I'm good at guessing games.
I give up.
- You haven't said anyone yet! - I can't think of anyone.
Hubba-hubba! File this.
Krakatoa! It's Charlie? He's lovely, in't he? He's a right dickhead.
Your cock getting any action then, hippie? It's not just for pissing with.
I'm thinking of shagging the entire office.
Just the girls.
I'd like to shag that new piece, Shelley.
What d'you reckon, marks out of two? I'd give her one! There's someone, Don't know how to ask her.
Well here's a little tip.
Go for the thick ones.
I'm shagging a right dimbo at the moment.
Girls are essentially stupid, you see.
They're like fish.
You spin 'em a good line, you reel them in then you shag 'em.
- What sort of lines? - Are you wearing space pants? Because your arse is out of this world.
- Like that sort of thing, do they? - Guaranteed flange.
Nice.
You're from Jamaica? Because Jamaican me crazy.
Just make sure the bird's not from Jamaica.
Otherwise her mates start laughing at me Laughing at you.
These definitely work? - That looks like piss.
- Is that one of your lines? Asif, what's a warning? You got a warning on your first day? That's a record.
Is it bad? It's like lives on a computer game, you get loads before you get sacked.
It goes warning, warning, warning, warning, warning, warning, warning, sacked.
Asif, can I have a word please, mate? - What you doing? - Nothing! I'm doing the induction.
Me, not you.
Read the badge.
"Penis".
Who's done that? She's been here an hour and she has a warning.
You must be great.
About as good as you are at new claims.
Look at that.
Your fax has gone wrong now.
Don't! I completely agree with you, Mr Jones.
I'm gonna ask her.
Wish me luck.
Don't go! Not you, Mr Jones.
I didn't mean it like that.
I'm not needy! Have you Have you got any space pants? Fox Cranford personal injury solicitors, Tania speaking.
I can pass that on.
Bye.
Sorry Kenny, what was it you wanted? Something about space pants? You know where they get them? Space pants? What are space pants? The pants with space.
There's space in my pants any day of the week.
You wanna know where you can buy space pants? - Why? - I just want some.
Tried the internet? Internet! Brilliant.
Thanks.
Pretend you're feeding a pony.
That's a bit too much.
No, stop it.
This is worse than school.
It's just work, I'm so bored.
When's it dinner time? Important.
Everyone's got different dinners.
It's staggered.
You can have early dinner or normal dinner.
Normal dinner is 1 till 2.
Early dinner is 12 till 1.
You can have 12.
30 to 1.
30, but you've got to ask Gloria, so basically it's an hour.
Any time between - 12 and 2.
- What? - Lunch? - 12 and 2.
It's so manky in here.
- Can we just put some pictures up? - What? - Brighten the room up.
- What sort of stuff? - I dunno.
Posters and that.
- You can't put posters up.
- How about some law stuff, then? - I don't know.
Please? Pretty please? Boots.
Did you just say "boots"? Asif, what extension are you on there, please? Cheers.
Fox Cranford personal injury solicitors.
Say your name, speak Asif speaking.
This is Mrs Wilson.
Hello, Mrs Wilson.
Can I have my compensation now? - I'm not sure.
- And some ladders.
- Ladders? - Yes, ladders.
- Is that part of your claim? - Made of gold.
Golden ladders I'm not sure, can I take your number? And a death ray.
I'm pretty sure you can't have one.
- I will destroy you, human! - What? Who is this? Mrs Wilson? I will destroy you and eat your brain! This woman says things crazy.
I'm on the phone.
I will destroy you, human! Hold on I've got to go.
I will destroy you! You're dead! That was great.
Wasn't it? Me and you.
We're a good team.
A great team.
What? - When we did that shredding.
- What a laugh! Am I the best inductor or what? Not again! Who's doing that? Then, Shells.
Where shall we go for lunch? A bit of a tradition, on your first day.
Lunch with the team.
- Where's the others? - They can't make it.
Right.
So, where d'you fancy? Greggs? Couple of pasties? Or we could just go to the canal, hang out.
I can't.
I'm meeting Swanny.
- Swanny? - Me boyfriend.
- Is that it? - That's all I could get.
Who's the gimp? Should I send her a text? - You can't ask a girl out in a text.
- You can dump 'em in a text.
That's OK.
I proper like Tania.
You were right.
I should ask her out before somebody else does.
- I'm gonna do it now.
- Actually, I don't think you should.
It were your idea.
I've told you, never listen to anything I say.
I'm a simple man.
I don't know shit.
- What's going on? - I can't tell you.
I promised her.
- What is it? - Nothing.
She's got AIDS.
AIDS.
Nightmare, innit? Almost unbelievable.
You'd best forget about Tania.
It wouldn't matter, I love her.
She's got a week! I'd better ask her today, not waste time.
- She's gay! - What? And she's pregnant! Gay and pregnant? How does that even work? Do I look like a doctor? No, not really.
Look, all I'm saying is, she's been getting off with Shelley? Like, they love each other.
I didn't want to tell you.
I think it's best that you never mention any of this to Tania, even if she gets all right and doesn't die of AIDS next week.
- God, you are so sexy.
- Careful, Charlie, I don't feel well! - You just need something warm.
- I've been sick this morning.
Don't worry, we can do it in the style of dogs.
- Stop it! - What? Listen, while we're here Can I ask you a question? Why you like me? I mean, I'm just an office junior.
You're a solicitor.
You could have anybody.
What is it about me? I don't know.
You're nice.
Nice? Really nice? You're nice.
You look like you would be kind to animals? And you've got great tits.
You are a very attractive woman.
What if I wasn't, though? People change.
What if I change? Things can happen.
Are you trying to tell me something? Would you still like me if I got bigger? Of course I would.
What are you thinking? Double D cup? Hello, Fox Cranford? Hello, this is Mrs Wilson.
Mrs Wilson, is it? I'm really glad you called.
I've really missed you.
There's something I forgot to mention.
I can't wait to hear what it is.
My ladders, they were damaged in the accident.
The ladders, the golden ladders? - You already told me about them.
- What? Why do you keep ringing anyway? Is it because you want me? I know you do.
Come on then, baby.
Let's do the dirties.
Me and you! I beg your pardon? We could do it on the golden ladders if you like.
- That'd be sexy.
- How dare you talk to me like that! I'm a client of this firm.
I'm so scared, what are you going to do? Come and get me with your death ray? I will destroy you! What? I have never, ever been spoken to like this in my entire life.
And I am telling you, young man, I intend to register a complaint against you.
What is your name? It's Darrel.
Has anyone seen Shelley? You're inducting her.
Is that you? I don't think she's back from lunch yet.
Did you tell her what time it's finish? I did.
Is it part of the induction to teach how to get sacked? I'm not her keeper.
She's nothing to me, I'm not bothered.
What is going on in here? Look at this mess.
Why's the post not been collected? And where the hell is Shelley? - Have a nice lunch? - Chears.
- It was brilliant.
- You're in deep What do you reckon? Bit lower? Nice badger.
I asked for a dog.
It's like a badger to me.
No way! Maybe it's a badger dog, half badger, half dog? Like a sheepdog? Did you get another warning? Something called a final warning.
I'm not bothered.
Asif says you get loads of them before they sack you.
- Asif licks windows.
- Does he? If you do anything else, you'll get sacked.
No way! I can't lose this job.
I need the money.
Don't take any more two-hour lunches and you'll be all right.
Been there for weeks.
Washed it three times on a 90.
Still couldn't get it out.
Filthy.
Excuse me.
My name is Mrs Wilson.
I want to make a complaint against a member of your staff.
He was very rude to me over the phone.
I'm Gloria Stevens, office manager.
I'm very glad you've brought that to my attention.
Client care is of the utmost importance to us.
Now, I would take you down, but I'm just on my break at the moment.
If you'd like to take a seat? I will not just take a seat! You're on your break! You need to learn to do your job properly.
Excuse me, I've worked very hard today.
I've done all the cost files.
You've no idea what I do.
I do the job of three people.
Sod off! You, do you know this Darrel? Aye, I know Darrell.
We'll never get the post out by five.
Where are Tania and Shelley? - The toilets.
- Why do they have to go together? Lezzie sesh.
They're not lesbians! - Are they? - Apparently.
They'll be up to - They'll be up to all sorts in there.
- What sort of stuff? God Can they do that? Why don't you go in and get 'em? In the ladies' toilets? - They might let you watch.
- Do you reckon? Or join in! I'm getting a lob on.
- Me too.
- Back off.
Bollocks! - Where have you been? - Don't start, Darrel.
I'm not in the mood.
It's not fair! We had to do all the work while you two were in the bogs, lezzing it up.
What is it now, time of the month? You're a tit.
At least I'm not a liar, pretending you've got a boyfriend.
I don't owe you anything, you bloody lazy lezzers! - We're not lesbians.
- You are.
Kenny said so.
I'm gonna go out on a limb.
You haven't got AIDS either, have you? - Which one's Darrel? - Haway, missus.
It's him.
That's Darrel.
- What have I done now? - How dare you insult me! I have never been spoken to like that in my entire life.
Do you talk to your clients like that? You're a disgrace.
Who do you think you are, you stupid, rude tit? I'll make sure you get the sack.
- What's going on? - I haven't done anything.
What are those? Who has done this? I did.
It took me ages.
Do you all like it? I fear if you remain on the premises one moment longer the building will be engulfed in flames.
So, clear your desk and leave immediately.
- You can't sack her! - What? She may be crap, but it's better than nothing.
I am, I am better than nothing.
Since when has it been your place to tell me what I can and can't do? You know we can't afford decent people on the money we pay.
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
We're understaffed enough as it is.
If you'd given a proper induction, she wouldn't be in this trouble.
- So it's my fault now? - I hold you responsible.
It's not my fault? - You're supposed to be in charge.
- It was me.
What was you? The pictures of Mrs Wilson.
I put them up.
It wasn't Shelley.
She was covering for me.
Is it true? Why would you do that? I've got a thing for bruised women.
- They turn me on.
- What? I need help.
What are you doing? If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Is this about my dyslexia? If you were a laser, which you're not, but if you were, you'd be set on stun.
Ing.
Stunning! What are you going on about? Is this some sort of special needs quiz? I want a word with you.
I am really annoyed.
I am sick of you making stuff up about me.
- Not my fault.
You told me to lie.
- I said keep a secret, not tell everyone I've got AIDS, a lesbian and I'm pregnant.
- That one's true.
- What? I've not even told Charlie yet! Told Charlie what? There's something I need to tell you.
- Hungry? - Pregnant.
- It's yours.
- Excellent.
Are you all right? - Say something! - I have to go to the toilet.
- But you've just been! - I've forgotten something.
Wiping! I always forget that.
He seems pleased!