Lunch Monkeys (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

- Who are you today? - Jason Bourne.
Wicked! - In yer nuts! - That's James Bond.
- No-one knows the theme.
- Cos he's rubbish.
Bourne's the best! Better than Bond.
Better than everyone.
I've just watched the latest one.
It was mega.
He killed loads of people.
He killed them with guns, he kicked 'em.
Dead! Kung Fu.
He can kill anyone.
- He's dynamite.
He says that.
- He can't kill Jackie Chan.
Bourne could kill Jackie Chan easy.
Dynamite.
- He says that.
- Come on.
Read it and weep bitch! Slow-mo! - Has the post been sorted yet? - Just doing it now.
Children, this is not a playground.
Now, listen, Darrel, I need you to do the cheques for me today.
I'm just nipping out to get new pants, the gusset's gone in these.
Rotted, worn right through.
Cheap rubbish.
I'll just put them on your desk.
The pants? The cheques.
If you're throwing them away, though.
Sorry.
Fast-mo! Post, then.
What are you doing in here? You'll get done! - Winner! The winner! - What are you on about? - Gambling is brilliant.
- Not on them premium lines again? Mike'll go mad.
They're dead expensive.
Meeting room phone.
They can't trace it, could be anyone.
- So, what have you won? - A free holiday! A holiday? That's well exciting! Can I come? All right.
We're going on holiday! And they say you don't get anything for free.
A free scratchcard from a free magazine, getting a free prize, getting a free holiday! - So where are we going? - A timeshare conference in Wigan.
Get in! Do you know, hypnosis can help you achieve all things you want in life? - Could it get me a new job? - Probably.
As a hypnotist! I don't believe in all that.
You make your own choices.
- It can help you quit smoking.
- I already quit.
It could help you start again.
- Are you definitely having the baby? - It'll be brilliant.
How hard can it be? It looks really easy.
Like having a dog, but better.
What'd be the name if it was a dog? Call me old-fashioned, but I'm hoping for a human child.
Charlie's the father.
Brings the odds down.
Leave him alone! He's sweet, really.
You don't know him like I do.
So, have you thought of any names? Not really.
Although I do like Ocean.
- I meant for the baby.
- What? Ocean's a lovely name.
- For a big expanse of water.
- Just out of interest, what are the chances of it being a dog? Jesus! And now, you shall experience the legendary Monkey Punch.
With one touch of my monkey claw, - your life force shall be extinguished.
- Get off us, you tit! So noble in defeat One-nil to Jackie Chan.
Kung Fu master.
A word I was thinking.
Shall I come round to yours tonight? - We could curl up and - Bang ourselves stupid.
talk about the baby! I'd momentarily forgotten about the baby, actually.
Cos I've been thinking about the baby.
- Right.
- And us.
- We'll get a little house.
- House.
A cottage, somewhere in the country.
- And grow peas.
- Peas.
I love peas.
Are you Are you sure you want this baby? - What do you mean? - I mean, is it a good idea? It's not an idea.
But babies, babies, they're hard work.
Sleepless nights.
What do they rhyme with? Rabies.
- What's that got to do with anything? - You'll get all miserable and fat.
And who wants to shag a fat bird? - They cost money.
- Fat birds? Babies.
- We hardly know each other.
- What are you saying, Charlie? Get rid of it.
- Get rid of it? - Please.
It's not just a thing to get rid of.
It's making you miserable already.
It is.
And you know what's next, don't you? - Fat.
- I can't believe you're saying this! Come on, we didn't plan for this.
We didn't.
It was an accident.
And accidents happen all the time.
Right? You're right.
That wasn't an accident! Right! OK.
I'm expecting a cheque.
It's not on my desk, in my pigeonhole.
I don't know.
Darrel, you had the cheques.
Did I? I don't think I did.
I don't do cheques.
I gave you them this morning, when I went to do the cost files.
I haven't got them.
I haven't done anything! It's not my fault! - I put them on your desk.
- Did you? I haven't seen them.
I remember.
It was this morning, when we were wrestling.
Don't know what you're on about.
You were Bourne, I was Jackie Chan.
"I will kill you, Mr Bourne.
" It was a right laugh.
But he got well scared! He's joking.
I wasn't scared.
If this place wasn't such a tip, you wouldn't be losing things.
Sorry, Mike.
I'll tidy up.
- I'm gasping for a fag.
- This is brilliant.
- It's probably the best I've ever had.
- Give us one.
Go on.
Just a sniff.
- That is nice.
- You're weird.
- Would you keep it? - The fag? - The baby.
- I reckon.
Would you be worried? You know, about about having it? I'd be shitting myself.
Charlie doesn't want me to keep it.
What do you want? Apart from me I dunno.
I wanna have it, I think.
It's your baby.
It's growing inside of you.
You should just do what you think's best.
If it were me, I'd support you, no matter what you decided.
How come you're so wise? Same thing happened to somebody I know.
Got pregnant, dad didn't want to know.
She was going to have an abortion but changed her mind.
Brought it up on her own.
- Who was it? - Me mam.
Maybe I shouldn't have it.
- Just think, what would Bourne do? - Shut up about Bourne! This is all your fault anyway.
Making me play Bourne versus Jackie Chan You are weak, Bourne! Stop it, Darrel.
No.
What'll happen if you don't find it? - Will you get sacked? - Mike looked pretty mad.
- I reckon he'll do his kneecaps.
- What? Shut up! Mike wouldn't do someone's kneecaps.
He'd pay someone to do it for him.
Professional job.
50 quid for the kneecaps.
Happens all the time.
Probably.
Will you lot just shut up and help me? - I'll give you 3-1 you don't find it.
- Betting's not helping.
Look, if you find it, you're happy, if you don't, you're quids in.
- I'll have some of that.
- Right, I'll have a bet with you.
If I don't find Mike's cheque, I'll give you 50 quid.
But if I find the cheque, I get a kiss from you.
- From you.
- No way! Put your money where your mouth is, literally.
- I'll kiss you for 50 quid.
- Back off, Chan.
- 75.
Done.
- 80.
You will be.
- My sweet angel.
- New claims.
I've been thinking.
Maybe I did get a little bit heavy.
- D'you think you're funny? - I know I'm funny.
Everyone says so.
In fact, when I was little, I did a brilliant Chinese impression.
Father would wake me up and make me do it in front of all of his friends.
Hilarious.
I think you'll find that was racism and possibly child abuse.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry about earlier.
What d'you say we do lunch? Talk this baby thing through.
Just you and me.
Somewhere classy.
Anywhere you like.
You choose.
Are you still on lunch? Right.
Will you put them in there? God! This is fate.
We've been over this.
Just because you do the same thing every day, it doesn't mean it's fate or Groundhog Day.
- Guess what this horse is called.
- Mental Scouse Bird.
Swanny's Girl.
My boyfriend's called Swanny.
I've got to put a bet on it.
- You're not going.
- They've frozen my online accounts.
- You'll get done.
- Tell them I've gone to something.
- With the staff holiday forms? - D'you want anything while I'm out? Could you get me one of them things What are they called? - Someone to help me in the post room.
- All right.
Look, I know I was a bit out of order earlier, but it's because I was thinking of you.
I always am, you see, thinking of you.
You've got so much to give, to achieve.
You haven't even started yet.
Yo hat do you dream of? Last night I was with Tony Soprano and we were hunting werewolves.
We had these massive guns - and every - No.
Your hopes, ambitions.
- You'll laugh.
- I won't.
Cub's honour.
Spill.
I want to be a solicitor, like you.
I'm serious, I've been looking into it.
There's a course I can do at night.
If I keep going, I can get qualified.
- It takes years, mind, but - You can do it.
- D'you really think so? - I know so.
Not with a baby, though.
What d'you mean? All the work you'd have to put in.
You'd never have the time.
I know you can do this law shit.
I can see it.
Yes, by the way you send faxes and get the pos out of boxes.
So good.
Now, look Christ knows that I want this baby as much as the next man.
But, woman, don't throw your life away.
- I'd not thought of it like that.
- Just thinking of you, babes.
Wine? Shit.
Sorry.
The baby.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe this isn't what I want.
I think that's the right decision and I'll back you up.
Thanks.
That's why I've booked you into, - here.
This afternoon, actually.
- This afternoon? It's just so quick.
Don't worry, there won't be a They won't do the thing today.
It's just, you know, arrangements.
You go and see them and you fill out forms and shit.
It's just admin.
Admin.
You could help them.
- So what time are we going? - Right.
I'd love to come and it would be the right thing to do.
However, I am playing snooker.
With Toby.
We're in the semis.
It's a very big game and I don't want to let him down.
- Right.
- Sorry.
But I'll call you later.
All right, Mike? Have you an explanation why you're crawling about under the table? Your cheque.
Why would it be under the table at reception? You'd be surprised what you find under here.
Look at that.
Packet of johnnies and a quid.
Just get up.
- There are clients here.
- Right.
- Sorry - Might I suggest you go back to the post room and think about where that cheque is.
Mr Benson is coming in to collect it and he's not the sort of man to be told that his damages have been mislaid.
I'm going to court and when I get back, I want that cheque sitting on my desk, Good.
D'you want these? It's just they probably belong to the firm now, don't they? Why're you going into the bookies at 2 P.
M when you should be in work? I've just got to go and deliver some papers to a client.
Really? And why would this client want staff holiday forms hand-delivered to him at the local bookies? Maybe he wants a holiday? I think you're on a final warning, young lady.
Sneaking out into the bookies in the afternoon is a very bad idea.
Charlie, please don't say nothing.
Do I look like a rat? A bit.
Don't worry.
I think I see a way out of this situation that will be - mutually beneficial.
- Not extra work.
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
I'm not doing that.
That's disgusting.
Forget about the cat.
Use your initiative! What do you have that might interest a man like me? - What're you saying, Charlie? - What d'you think? I think you got my mate pregnant and now you're trying to come on to me.
You dirty bastard! Tania just said that you're a betting expert and I did the 2.
30 at Newmarket.
Bollocks! Found the cheques yet? - Where have you looked? - Everywhere.
You can't, Darrel.
Because you'd have found it.
What you need to do is to think of everywhere you've been - and then just retrace your steps.
- I've tried all that.
I tell you how you can find 'em.
- Hypnosis.
- Hypnosis? You can remember your past.
You could find the cheques.
I don't believe in all that rubbish.
It wouldn't work on me anyway.
You've got to have a really feeble mind for hypnosis to work.
Mate, I've got a lovely little tip for I've brought you the holiday forms.
You're walking down some stairs, into a warm room.
Walking slowly.
Counting down.
One, two - This isn't going to work.
- You're nodding off now.
One, two - You're leaving? - I didn't say anything about leaving.
You can't leave me.
You're my dad.
I love you.
Please don't go.
- How old are you, Darrel? - I'm 13.
All right, Darrel.
Come forward a few years.
- You're at work.
At Fox-Cranford.
- I love work.
- What do you like about work? - No-one beats me up.
I'm safe here.
I can just be myself and everyone likes me.
I'm really popular.
Who do you like best? I love Shelley, she looks like a princess.
And I like Kenny.
He's really funny.
And I like the smell of his hair.
- What about Asif? - Asif is evil and must be destroyed.
- What about Gloria? - Dirty.
Just gimme some cheques, Darrel.
Can you see 'em? They're on my desk.
I've got them in my hand.
I've got to take the copies to the cash office.
I'm going to the cash office.
I'd shag Mary in cash.
She's fit.
What's up, Darrel, what can you see? It's Jackie Chan.
He's got me! Get off us, you tit.
I've fallen over.
I'm lying in a big pile of boxes.
I've dropped the cheques.
I've got to get Chan.
- Come'ere, you Kung Fu twat! - Bring him out.
Whenever you hear someone say "dynamite", you shall think you're a dog.
Back off, Chan! I know where the cheque is.
I don't need your stupid hypnosis.
Dynamite! I'm very disappointed in you.
Gambling at your age.
Sorry.
I've never been to a bookies before.
Although, I'm glad you started now.
- Monies, girl.
- 50 to one! I'd better get back in.
I don't want another warning.
- I'll just finish this.
- You could stun that, y'know.
You all right, Mike? Stress, Shelley.
Just stress.
I know how you feel.
I get well stressed sometimes.
Like, when I say I'll go to a club and then I haven't got enough money and then everyone's like, "Come on, "Don't be boring.
You said you'd come.
" - What gets you stressed, Mike? - Mainly Darrel.
- Are you all right, Darrel? - It's gone! - The man's just been.
- It's recycled, you bell-end.
Hello, Charlie.
It's me.
Can you call me back, please? I need someone.
I just want I'm not sure I can do this on my own.
Look! There she is.
She's got money.
Where the hell have you been? If what I hear Shelley has been with me.
- He says she's been at the bookies.
- How would you know that, Charlie? Surely you would've been at work.
I saw her.
I was on my lunch.
Not another long lunch.
You seem to specialise in those.
Shelley has been with me in court all afternoon.
I thought it was time the post room staff have some proper legal experience.
I saw her, though.
Are you calling me a liar, Charlie? Not the wisest career move, now? - She hit me.
- Really? In the balls, Mike.
Good for her.
All right? You know why you're here, don't you, Darrel? - Tell me why you're here, Darrel.
- Because I've been bad again.
That's right.
I can tell you this.
Mike is furious with you, losing them cheques.
Mike is with Mr Benson now, explaining.
I've never been happy with you.
You're an idiot.
You've messed up this case from the beginning.
That dog savaged me.
Dog? That was no dog.
- It was a monster.
A beast.
- It was a Jack Russell.
Scarred for life, I am.
Look at that! Mike wanted you sacked.
I had to beg him not to.
- Beg him.
Literally, beg him.
- Thanks, Gloria.
It's not that you're good, but we'd never get anyone with half a brain on your wages and you do the early shift.
- I am.
- You know your problem, Darrel? - Sweat rash.
- You've got no concentration.
You have got to focus on what you're doing.
You know who you should be more like? - Jason Bourne? - Me! Seventy pissing grand and they call that compensation.
It doesn't compensate me, does it? I still have nightmares.
I can't go anywhere near a dog or I have a relapse.
Actually, 70,000, Mr Benson, is a good settlement.
I bet you got more than that for your costs and I bet that cheque doesn't get misplaced.
I run this office, Darrel.
If it wasn't for me, this place would grind to a halt.
What thanks do I get? Do I get a parking space? Do I get 25 days' holiday? Do I get my own office? - Are we still doing my disciplinary? - Yes, we are.
Now I'll get him.
- What the bloody hell now? - I found it, Mike.
I did.
The cheque.
It's your cheque.
I found it.
I thought I'd lost it, but I hadn't.
It was in Gloria's book.
She only gave me the copies.
- He must have put them there.
- I never, Mike! I never.
My cheque.
It's good to know that someone in this firm knows what they're doing.
What's your name, Son? Thank you, Darrel, for finding my cheque.
You were this close, Cranford.
This close.
I can't tell you how grateful I am.
This cheque means the world to me and you were the one that found it.
You're a good lad.
You should be proud of this one, he's special.
- We know that.
- He's more than special.
He's Dynamite? Is this a joke, Cranford? For God's sake! I'll have you for this, Cranford! I'm not answering to you, bell-end.
Leave a message.
Krakatoa! - Wait.
- Heel, Darrel.
There's a good boy! Nice one.
But I won the bet.
- What bet? - Found the cheque.
Oh, God.
It's time to collect my winnings.
- Fair enough.
- What? - You'll really do it? - I'm not going to welch on a bet, am I? - Right, then.
- Right.
Have you been eating garlic? Pickled onions and tuna.
- Kenny said girls like it.
- Did he? - Ready? - Go on.
OK.
I'm doing it.
I haven't got all night.
I'm coming in.
I got off with Shelley! - I can't believe I got off with you.
- You didn't.
That was amazing.
How was it for you, babes? It was dynamite.
I want to go home.