Lunch Monkeys (2009) s01e03 Episode Script
Ice Pops
You over Tania yet? Yeah.
Why are you colouring in that for? Her hair's blonde so her minge would be blonde too.
I read it in something called Heat.
I think you'll find she dyes it.
Oh, right.
Why would Tania dye her fanny? Shit.
Hide that.
She'll go mental if she sees it.
What are you drawing? No.
You were.
I saw you.
What was it? Are you drawing a picture of me? No.
Why would I draw a picture of you? Yeah! What kind of weirdo would draw pictures of girls that he works with? Why wouldn't you draw me? What's wrong with me? You draw Darrel.
Are you drawing me being killed again? It's bullying, is this.
And you won't even let me see or join in, or anything, just cos I'm a girl and I'm fat and I'm pregnant.
It's not fair.
(SOBBING) I hate you, Kenny.
You're hateful.
She still having them mood swings, then? Erpossibly.
Shouldn't you be in work, Shelley? Mike Fancy meeting you here, in the back alley.
I don't like to advertise my dirty habits in front of the office.
Have you had a dump? (LAUGHING) Oh, right! Have you got a problem? No, I bought these, honest.
No, a drink problem.
Oh, right! No, they're for my boyfriend, Swanny.
It's his birthday.
He can drink 15 cans.
15 cans, hey? That must be fun Yeah.
till he passes out in his own sick.
Hey, do you know him? What are you doing, lurking in this alley? Ermust have taken a wrong turn Not trying to sneak in through the fire door because you're late? No, as if I'd do OK, Shelley, you can come in now.
Coast is clear.
Redundancy? Yeah, last night.
Cleared his desk.
Crap lawyer, though.
Bloody idiot didn't know what he was doing.
Krakatoa! (LAUGHING) Careful! You don't want to knock me up as well, Mr Fertile.
Or me! Huh? What did you say, post monkey? I mean Are you saying I'm gay? No.
Cos it takes one to know one! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah! Ooh! Ohhh Anyway, they'll trim the post room first, get rid of the dead wood.
It's always the menials who go first.
That's me! (DEEP VOICE) Mr Menial! Do some copying today! HE LAUGHS Do-do-doo, kkk-ssssh! Kkk-ssssh! Kkk-ssssh I hear you're next on the list.
There's a list? Oh, yes.
Tell you who I'd shag - that Lee Ann.
She's well fit, with them legs up to her Waist.
Yeah.
So, what sort of stuff would you do to Lee Ann, then? Oh, I'd throw her all round the gaffe.
I'd be like, "Lee Ann, baby, come here and meet Little Asif.
" That's what I call my dobber.
It's not small, though.
It's just a name.
Busy, are we, children? Maybe I should speak with your manager and find you some extra work to do.
No, don't do that.
We've got loads.
Hey, Lee Ann Reflekta! Is there something wrong with you? No, I'm in a gang, I invented that.
Well done(!) Hey, Lee Ann Have you got a boyfriend? Don't even think about it.
I only go for men, not little boys who like to play in gangs.
We're not playing.
The other day we made a den, then we got chased by some proper rough lads.
I go for men.
Businessmen, winners.
Ask me again when you're rich and successful.
OK.
Urgent! You're in there, mate.
Come on, new claims.
Come to the D man.
Someone must have had an accident! This is it, people.
The recession.
No new claims, no work, redundancies.
Listen to that.
I can't hear anything.
Exactly.
There's no noise.
No phones ringing.
PHONE RINGS Apart from that one.
The whole office is quiet.
They're laying people off.
Redundancies.
Who's going to be next? It's gonna be you.
He's so annoying.
You're on a final warning.
I'll sleep with Mike.
So will I.
I will too! Idon't want to, though.
I mean, I'll speak to Mike.
You know, I'll find out what's going on.
HE SIGHS Until then, we've just got to stick together.
BOTH: Yeah.
All right? Hi.
I'm sorry about before.
I've calmed down a bit now.
It's my hormones.
I got you this.
"Special friend" I thought it might cheer you up a bit.
Get in.
99p well spent.
I'm a special friend! Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I keep crying all the time, I can't stop.
I hadn't noticed.
I just feel all horribleand fat.
Don't be daft.
You're not horrible.
Oh, right.
But I am fat? No, you're not fat Fatty Tania?! Is that what you think? Is that what everyone's saying? No, you're just I'm only six weeks gone.
I'm not even showing.
How can you call me fat, Kenny? I hate you! I hate you.
I'm sick of I hate SHE SOBS I didn't call her ICE-CREAM VAN PLAYS JINGLE All right, Perry Mason? Dad, what you doing here? Do us a favour - try one of these.
Spice pops.
I got them from your uncle in Pakistan.
Coriander, cumin, chilli masala.
I dunno, Dad.
Last time, them lollies give me a rash and the slush give me dengue fever.
So sue me! You're the hot-shot lawyer.
50p.
What?! You asked me to do you a favour.
Yeah, a favour, not rob me blind.
I'm not bloody charity.
Ah, these are lovely.
See? Can I try another one? A pound, please.
There were 50p a minute ago.
Supply and demand.
I'm a businessman.
Pay the man, Asif.
What?! You're the rich lawyer.
Oh, yeah Oh, I could eat hundreds of these.
If someone sold these in the office, they'd make a fortune.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I think so.
Shall we do it? Definitely.
Two 99s, please, Dad.
Me mum sweats heavily.
It could be genetic.
Oh, Mike, Mike Darrel.
You're looking good today, Mike.
You lost weight? Do you want something, Darrel? I've got an important meeting.
Right, yeah, sorry.
I just wondered who your favourite person in the post room was.
What? Who do you like best in the post room? Believe me, Darrel, there's no-one I like best in the post room.
Yeah, but if you had to choose one.
Everyone's dying, could be cancer.
You've got the cure but you can only save one.
This is ridiculous.
Oh, right Oh, God! Sorry, Mike, let me help you.
Hey If this was a film, we'd kiss now.
If this was a film, I'd break your kneecaps.
DARREL CHUCKLES Look at you.
You think you're so special, don't you? Well, I'm not the failure.
You are the failure.
Why are you talking to a picture of a judge? Because I'm angry with him.
If my intuition is working correctly, something tells me you're upset.
I don't know.
I'm just emotional.
Hmm I know what would cheer you up.
A shag! Is that all you think about? No, no.
You know, you're all the same, men.
You're just selfish, horrible stupid idiots and I can't stand to be near you.
Got any post? In the tray.
Do you wanna see what I've got in my trolley? Is that a euphemism? HE LAUGHS Yeah.
What's aoofenisms? I've got something for you.
Mm.
It's good.
I am the geezer who aims to please her.
That's 1.
50.
Special price for you.
I'm a businessman now.
Gonna make a fortune so I can go out with you.
You wouldn't charge me 1.
50 for a little ice pop, would you? No.
You can have it for a pound.
Oh, Michael Sorry, wrong room.
Darrel? Solid enough.
Are you eavesdropping? No.
I was just trying to hear what Mike's saying next door.
Why are you standing on a chair? I don't know.
Are you messing about again? Why is there no new claims? What? Don't lie to me, Gloria.
I know what's going on.
I don't know what you mean.
Please tell me.
I must go.
I've got a meeting with Mike.
Is it about me? You know I can't discuss company business.
Ooh! Will you let go of my leg, please, Darrel? Oh, God! Sorry.
Oh, Gloria Got any post? Where's the picture? Of Tania's fluffy monkey? Yes! Where's it gone? It was here earlier.
Oh! I might have left it in the toilet.
Oh, tell me you didn't! It was a great picture.
I can't believe you do that over a picture of Tanssssss.
Tanks.
Tanks?! I mean, what's so sexy about a tank? I dunno.
They just turn me on.
Mmm, oh, tanks You are a very strange boy.
Oh, I remember where the picture is.
You put it in Mike's trial bundle? You put a picture of a naked TANK in Mike's trial bundle? A NAKED tank? Yeah.
The gun bit was the willy.
So you've been drawing pictures of naked MALE tanks? With big gun-willies.
And now it's on its way to court for a trial with a judge? Oh, poor Mike! Imagine his utter professional humiliation.
Idiot.
It's not my fault.
I just hid it and then bound it up with loads of court papers.
You didn't do anything silly, did you? Like sign it? Might have.
It was nice knowing you.
You've got to get it back.
Me? I can't.
I'm not allowed.
Not since I did that wee in his bin, even though I was only trying to put out the fire that was already in it.
Which you started.
Oh, yeah.
Anyways, I've got a business to run.
God, what are you like? You big wusses.
I'll get it.
No.
Why not? Asif can go and get it but I can't? Am I not good enough, is that it? Or am I too fat to get it? Fatty Tania.
It's just one big boys' club with you, innit, and I'm not invited! It's not that.
I just don't want you getting into trouble.
I drew it, I'll get it.
You can be a lookout.
You'd make a good lookout.
You very quick, observant You've got good eyes.
Really? Yeah.
It's all true.
They're making me redundant, Shells.
It's all gone.
Game over.
No job, no money, no girlfriend.
I'm going to end it.
You're quitting? Suicide, Shelley.
Suicide.
The honourable way out.
It's what you do in this situation.
Out the window.
Splat.
I've seen it on the telly.
No, you can't talk me out of it.
Unless Shelley your love could be the one thing to give me something to live for to mend this broken heart.
I'll open the window for you, if you like.
Oh, come on! Not even a pity shag? No way.
Look, Darrel, I know you're depressed and suicidal and everything's looking bleak and hopeless right now, but you've just got to look on the bright sideI'm loaded! Wow.
Can I work for you, Asif? No way.
You're me best mate.
I can't.
I've already cut Shelley in 50-50.
60-40.
Let me in or I'll do it.
I'm not joking.
You'll have my blood on your hands.
Could you live with that? Yeah, probably.
I think this is much sharper, you know.
Come on, Shells.
We've got ice pops to sell.
Hurry up! God, it's Darrel.
I know we've not seen eye to eye recently, but it was only the once, and a man has needs.
Please, Lord, in this, my darkest hour, give me a sign.
Oh, thanks a lot, Lord.
You CANS CRUNCH Ohh Good sign.
HE BURPS Thanks for sorting out the accounts, mate.
No worries, partner.
Surprised, though.
I thought we'd made more money than that.
Yeah.
Asif, what are you doing? I'm not selling ice pops to the solicitors.
Shelley? Shelley? Shelley?! Is that Shelley? I'm not saying nothing till my brief gets here.
SHE SCREAMS What happened? I tripped.
On what? You were standing still.
Ooh! Do you think I've got a claim? Are you OK? No, I've hurt my leg.
You'd better come into my office.
No! No.
Can you just feel, see if it's broken? I'm not sure.
I don't think we need do that.
I will.
Actually, I think it's better now.
Let me just check.
Get off! I cannot believe you've been selling coriander ice pops at work! There was chilli masala as well.
You think this is acceptable behaviour? I was just trying to impress Lee Ann Asif! She said I am very disappointed in you.
Lee Ann's well fit.
About the ice pops! Oh.
I made loads of money.
That is not the issue, Asif.
You're employed by Fox Cranford.
How much money? LOUD CLATTERING Shhh Here they are I love you lot.
You're my best flipping mates.
We should get a house together, eh? Like the three little pigs.
We're a pig down.
Who is it? Tania.
Tania! Darrel, are you pissed? Darrel, can I have a quick word, please? In private.
Now's not a good time.
He's upset cos Tania's not here.
I don't want to go.
It's not the sort of thing I want to talk about in front of the team, so let's go to the meeting room.
What's that smell? That's my new perfume.
Do you like it? It smells like beer! Yeah.
I'm not going anywhere with you two BASTARDS! I know what you're up to, Micky boy.
Lead me off like a little lamb to get made redundant, eh? Well, you can't push the wool into Darrel's eyes.
Because I'm sharp Whooch-ch-ch! Like a wolf! A man-wolf A werewolf.
I know what you're up to! Let's get rid of the D man.
Mike I thought we were mates.
And you, you bloody Judas! Darrel, I can assure you we're certainly not mates and I can also assure you that, up to this moment, we hadn't considered making anyone redundant.
Don't you lie to me to me of all people.
The firm's going under, isn't it, Mike? BLOWS RASPBERRY No new claims, Mike.
I've been watching all day and there's nothing, not a one.
Did you switch it on? Switch it on? Oh, look - new claims.
Loads of them.
What we were going to do is make you employee of the month.
What? No No.
Right.
Look See? Darrel - that's me - question mark, R - redundancy.
Red wine! Although it appears you won't be needing any of this now, will you, Darrel? Don't be too harsh on him, cos he's had a rough day, Mike.
Hang on, that's my beer! Knack him! I'm very disappointed in you, Darrel.
Drinking at work is a very serious matter.
Now, before you leave the building, I want you to process every last claim and then we can discuss the appropriate disciplinary measures.
OK? Mike? What is it, Darrel? Just to clarify, am I still employee of the month? Thanks for helping us out earlier.
It's all right.
It's what friends do.
Hello! What's going on 'ere? Fill your boots, son.
Shut up.
We're just mates.
Mates can have platonic kisses.
You never give me platonic kisses.
Well, that's And you've got a lob-on! I haven't! That's just a crease.
Show us.
What? The picture.
Oh I shredded it.
After all I did for you? I helped you and you won't even show me the picture.
That's friendship for you, innit? That's just Special friend SHE GIGGLES You get all the pictures back, then? What do you mean, all? I made loads of copies, I'm the copying king.
Sometimes I get in loads of trouble for making too many trial bundles.
I just get carried away.
Yeah, for the court barristers.
Everyone's going to see it.
I'm dead.
So's Mike.
Post! Where's the post? Go, go! Darrel! I can't believe you drank all 15 cans.
In two hours.
How cool is that? No, it's not cool.
They were my cans.
Thought it would make you like me more.
Just give me one reason why I shouldn't just batter you now? Because you secretly love me.
Swanny is gonna kill me if he doesn't get his birthday lager.
And you.
I'm sorry.
I'll pay.
You can take all the money in my wallet.
Thanks, Darrel.
I'm still annoyed, though.
There's nothing in there! Ya-a-a-arrghhh! No running in the office.
BOTH: Sorry.
Can you explain this? No, it wasn't me I don't care who did it.
I just want it cleared up.
I've got to Now! I don't want clients thinking we work in a pigsty.
Where are you going? You can help him.
I can't.
What do you mean, you can't? I mean The baby, morning sickness.
It's 5 o'clock in the afternoon.
Oh, God, I'm gonna throw up Oh, God, Mike, help me.
Go, go.
Get away! Postman.
Has he been? Has he gone? Where's the postman? He's just gone.
Oh, bollocks.
What kind of place are we working where they won't let you sell ice pops on the side? They're worse than the Talibans.
Hey! What about Lee Ann? She's not a Taliban.
No, your date, you muppet! Oh.
I've lost all my money.
She won't want me now.
Ask her out anyway.
Tell her how much money you made before you lost it.
Maybe it's just not meant to be.
Maybe I am a little boy who should just stick to playing gangs.
Here you are.
Have this.
What? Shelley, you can't! What about Swanny and his birthday lager? Don't worry about Swanny, you have it.
It's what mates are for.
They look out for each other.
They help each other.
Go get her, tiger.
Get her a tiger? Just go and ask her out.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Lee Ann? I've got a fortune.
Look, sexy money.
Whoa! How much did you make? ã23.
Is that it? No.
And 50p.
Well done.
Aren't you the rich businessman(?) Yeah.
So, me and you? Asif, I don't want to be cruel, but I'm a lawyer, I'm a shark.
I suggest you take your ã23 And 50p.
and go and buy yourself some new toys and then run off to your little den and play with them.
If you do not stop annoying me, I will raise an official grievance.
Thank you for not being cruel.
Hey! How did you get on? Ohh! She was well gagging for me.
Yes! But I realised she's just not the right one for me, so I had to let her down gently.
Was she all right? She was well gutted, crying and all that.
But I said to her, "Lee Ann, I know it's hard, "but you've just got to get through this.
" You know? Then she started begging me and all that and then she Bloody hell! She looks heartbroken(!) Hey, you won't be needing this for your date, will you? What? No, this is just coins! Shelley! You all right? What do you think? I think you MIGHT be.
Having chased a postman across town to save your arse, then find this! I'm really sorry.
I should never have drawn it.
Too bloody right! It's disgusting.
I didn't draw that.
You've signed it.
And look how fat I am, you horrible get, doing that to me ON me.
It's disgusting.
Is this how you see me? I thought we were mates and then you go and do thisthisFILTH! We are mates.
You know I'd never do anything to upset you.
Well, intentionally.
Look, I bought you this to say sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Special friend? All right.
I'll forgive youjust this once.
Special friend! Thanks for the wine.
I'll save it till I've had the baby.
I love red wine.
Looks dead expensive, too.
Yeah.
It is really thoughtful of you.
Here he is, employee of the month.
Have you drunk your wine yet? Free bottle of wine, eh? Oh! Did he show you the picture? Tania, what colour's your minge? Like, I thought it would be blonde, but Kenny reckons you dye it black.
Why are you colouring in that for? Her hair's blonde so her minge would be blonde too.
I read it in something called Heat.
I think you'll find she dyes it.
Oh, right.
Why would Tania dye her fanny? Shit.
Hide that.
She'll go mental if she sees it.
What are you drawing? No.
You were.
I saw you.
What was it? Are you drawing a picture of me? No.
Why would I draw a picture of you? Yeah! What kind of weirdo would draw pictures of girls that he works with? Why wouldn't you draw me? What's wrong with me? You draw Darrel.
Are you drawing me being killed again? It's bullying, is this.
And you won't even let me see or join in, or anything, just cos I'm a girl and I'm fat and I'm pregnant.
It's not fair.
(SOBBING) I hate you, Kenny.
You're hateful.
She still having them mood swings, then? Erpossibly.
Shouldn't you be in work, Shelley? Mike Fancy meeting you here, in the back alley.
I don't like to advertise my dirty habits in front of the office.
Have you had a dump? (LAUGHING) Oh, right! Have you got a problem? No, I bought these, honest.
No, a drink problem.
Oh, right! No, they're for my boyfriend, Swanny.
It's his birthday.
He can drink 15 cans.
15 cans, hey? That must be fun Yeah.
till he passes out in his own sick.
Hey, do you know him? What are you doing, lurking in this alley? Ermust have taken a wrong turn Not trying to sneak in through the fire door because you're late? No, as if I'd do OK, Shelley, you can come in now.
Coast is clear.
Redundancy? Yeah, last night.
Cleared his desk.
Crap lawyer, though.
Bloody idiot didn't know what he was doing.
Krakatoa! (LAUGHING) Careful! You don't want to knock me up as well, Mr Fertile.
Or me! Huh? What did you say, post monkey? I mean Are you saying I'm gay? No.
Cos it takes one to know one! (ALL LAUGHING) Yeah! Ooh! Ohhh Anyway, they'll trim the post room first, get rid of the dead wood.
It's always the menials who go first.
That's me! (DEEP VOICE) Mr Menial! Do some copying today! HE LAUGHS Do-do-doo, kkk-ssssh! Kkk-ssssh! Kkk-ssssh I hear you're next on the list.
There's a list? Oh, yes.
Tell you who I'd shag - that Lee Ann.
She's well fit, with them legs up to her Waist.
Yeah.
So, what sort of stuff would you do to Lee Ann, then? Oh, I'd throw her all round the gaffe.
I'd be like, "Lee Ann, baby, come here and meet Little Asif.
" That's what I call my dobber.
It's not small, though.
It's just a name.
Busy, are we, children? Maybe I should speak with your manager and find you some extra work to do.
No, don't do that.
We've got loads.
Hey, Lee Ann Reflekta! Is there something wrong with you? No, I'm in a gang, I invented that.
Well done(!) Hey, Lee Ann Have you got a boyfriend? Don't even think about it.
I only go for men, not little boys who like to play in gangs.
We're not playing.
The other day we made a den, then we got chased by some proper rough lads.
I go for men.
Businessmen, winners.
Ask me again when you're rich and successful.
OK.
Urgent! You're in there, mate.
Come on, new claims.
Come to the D man.
Someone must have had an accident! This is it, people.
The recession.
No new claims, no work, redundancies.
Listen to that.
I can't hear anything.
Exactly.
There's no noise.
No phones ringing.
PHONE RINGS Apart from that one.
The whole office is quiet.
They're laying people off.
Redundancies.
Who's going to be next? It's gonna be you.
He's so annoying.
You're on a final warning.
I'll sleep with Mike.
So will I.
I will too! Idon't want to, though.
I mean, I'll speak to Mike.
You know, I'll find out what's going on.
HE SIGHS Until then, we've just got to stick together.
BOTH: Yeah.
All right? Hi.
I'm sorry about before.
I've calmed down a bit now.
It's my hormones.
I got you this.
"Special friend" I thought it might cheer you up a bit.
Get in.
99p well spent.
I'm a special friend! Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I keep crying all the time, I can't stop.
I hadn't noticed.
I just feel all horribleand fat.
Don't be daft.
You're not horrible.
Oh, right.
But I am fat? No, you're not fat Fatty Tania?! Is that what you think? Is that what everyone's saying? No, you're just I'm only six weeks gone.
I'm not even showing.
How can you call me fat, Kenny? I hate you! I hate you.
I'm sick of I hate SHE SOBS I didn't call her ICE-CREAM VAN PLAYS JINGLE All right, Perry Mason? Dad, what you doing here? Do us a favour - try one of these.
Spice pops.
I got them from your uncle in Pakistan.
Coriander, cumin, chilli masala.
I dunno, Dad.
Last time, them lollies give me a rash and the slush give me dengue fever.
So sue me! You're the hot-shot lawyer.
50p.
What?! You asked me to do you a favour.
Yeah, a favour, not rob me blind.
I'm not bloody charity.
Ah, these are lovely.
See? Can I try another one? A pound, please.
There were 50p a minute ago.
Supply and demand.
I'm a businessman.
Pay the man, Asif.
What?! You're the rich lawyer.
Oh, yeah Oh, I could eat hundreds of these.
If someone sold these in the office, they'd make a fortune.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I think so.
Shall we do it? Definitely.
Two 99s, please, Dad.
Me mum sweats heavily.
It could be genetic.
Oh, Mike, Mike Darrel.
You're looking good today, Mike.
You lost weight? Do you want something, Darrel? I've got an important meeting.
Right, yeah, sorry.
I just wondered who your favourite person in the post room was.
What? Who do you like best in the post room? Believe me, Darrel, there's no-one I like best in the post room.
Yeah, but if you had to choose one.
Everyone's dying, could be cancer.
You've got the cure but you can only save one.
This is ridiculous.
Oh, right Oh, God! Sorry, Mike, let me help you.
Hey If this was a film, we'd kiss now.
If this was a film, I'd break your kneecaps.
DARREL CHUCKLES Look at you.
You think you're so special, don't you? Well, I'm not the failure.
You are the failure.
Why are you talking to a picture of a judge? Because I'm angry with him.
If my intuition is working correctly, something tells me you're upset.
I don't know.
I'm just emotional.
Hmm I know what would cheer you up.
A shag! Is that all you think about? No, no.
You know, you're all the same, men.
You're just selfish, horrible stupid idiots and I can't stand to be near you.
Got any post? In the tray.
Do you wanna see what I've got in my trolley? Is that a euphemism? HE LAUGHS Yeah.
What's aoofenisms? I've got something for you.
Mm.
It's good.
I am the geezer who aims to please her.
That's 1.
50.
Special price for you.
I'm a businessman now.
Gonna make a fortune so I can go out with you.
You wouldn't charge me 1.
50 for a little ice pop, would you? No.
You can have it for a pound.
Oh, Michael Sorry, wrong room.
Darrel? Solid enough.
Are you eavesdropping? No.
I was just trying to hear what Mike's saying next door.
Why are you standing on a chair? I don't know.
Are you messing about again? Why is there no new claims? What? Don't lie to me, Gloria.
I know what's going on.
I don't know what you mean.
Please tell me.
I must go.
I've got a meeting with Mike.
Is it about me? You know I can't discuss company business.
Ooh! Will you let go of my leg, please, Darrel? Oh, God! Sorry.
Oh, Gloria Got any post? Where's the picture? Of Tania's fluffy monkey? Yes! Where's it gone? It was here earlier.
Oh! I might have left it in the toilet.
Oh, tell me you didn't! It was a great picture.
I can't believe you do that over a picture of Tanssssss.
Tanks.
Tanks?! I mean, what's so sexy about a tank? I dunno.
They just turn me on.
Mmm, oh, tanks You are a very strange boy.
Oh, I remember where the picture is.
You put it in Mike's trial bundle? You put a picture of a naked TANK in Mike's trial bundle? A NAKED tank? Yeah.
The gun bit was the willy.
So you've been drawing pictures of naked MALE tanks? With big gun-willies.
And now it's on its way to court for a trial with a judge? Oh, poor Mike! Imagine his utter professional humiliation.
Idiot.
It's not my fault.
I just hid it and then bound it up with loads of court papers.
You didn't do anything silly, did you? Like sign it? Might have.
It was nice knowing you.
You've got to get it back.
Me? I can't.
I'm not allowed.
Not since I did that wee in his bin, even though I was only trying to put out the fire that was already in it.
Which you started.
Oh, yeah.
Anyways, I've got a business to run.
God, what are you like? You big wusses.
I'll get it.
No.
Why not? Asif can go and get it but I can't? Am I not good enough, is that it? Or am I too fat to get it? Fatty Tania.
It's just one big boys' club with you, innit, and I'm not invited! It's not that.
I just don't want you getting into trouble.
I drew it, I'll get it.
You can be a lookout.
You'd make a good lookout.
You very quick, observant You've got good eyes.
Really? Yeah.
It's all true.
They're making me redundant, Shells.
It's all gone.
Game over.
No job, no money, no girlfriend.
I'm going to end it.
You're quitting? Suicide, Shelley.
Suicide.
The honourable way out.
It's what you do in this situation.
Out the window.
Splat.
I've seen it on the telly.
No, you can't talk me out of it.
Unless Shelley your love could be the one thing to give me something to live for to mend this broken heart.
I'll open the window for you, if you like.
Oh, come on! Not even a pity shag? No way.
Look, Darrel, I know you're depressed and suicidal and everything's looking bleak and hopeless right now, but you've just got to look on the bright sideI'm loaded! Wow.
Can I work for you, Asif? No way.
You're me best mate.
I can't.
I've already cut Shelley in 50-50.
60-40.
Let me in or I'll do it.
I'm not joking.
You'll have my blood on your hands.
Could you live with that? Yeah, probably.
I think this is much sharper, you know.
Come on, Shells.
We've got ice pops to sell.
Hurry up! God, it's Darrel.
I know we've not seen eye to eye recently, but it was only the once, and a man has needs.
Please, Lord, in this, my darkest hour, give me a sign.
Oh, thanks a lot, Lord.
You CANS CRUNCH Ohh Good sign.
HE BURPS Thanks for sorting out the accounts, mate.
No worries, partner.
Surprised, though.
I thought we'd made more money than that.
Yeah.
Asif, what are you doing? I'm not selling ice pops to the solicitors.
Shelley? Shelley? Shelley?! Is that Shelley? I'm not saying nothing till my brief gets here.
SHE SCREAMS What happened? I tripped.
On what? You were standing still.
Ooh! Do you think I've got a claim? Are you OK? No, I've hurt my leg.
You'd better come into my office.
No! No.
Can you just feel, see if it's broken? I'm not sure.
I don't think we need do that.
I will.
Actually, I think it's better now.
Let me just check.
Get off! I cannot believe you've been selling coriander ice pops at work! There was chilli masala as well.
You think this is acceptable behaviour? I was just trying to impress Lee Ann Asif! She said I am very disappointed in you.
Lee Ann's well fit.
About the ice pops! Oh.
I made loads of money.
That is not the issue, Asif.
You're employed by Fox Cranford.
How much money? LOUD CLATTERING Shhh Here they are I love you lot.
You're my best flipping mates.
We should get a house together, eh? Like the three little pigs.
We're a pig down.
Who is it? Tania.
Tania! Darrel, are you pissed? Darrel, can I have a quick word, please? In private.
Now's not a good time.
He's upset cos Tania's not here.
I don't want to go.
It's not the sort of thing I want to talk about in front of the team, so let's go to the meeting room.
What's that smell? That's my new perfume.
Do you like it? It smells like beer! Yeah.
I'm not going anywhere with you two BASTARDS! I know what you're up to, Micky boy.
Lead me off like a little lamb to get made redundant, eh? Well, you can't push the wool into Darrel's eyes.
Because I'm sharp Whooch-ch-ch! Like a wolf! A man-wolf A werewolf.
I know what you're up to! Let's get rid of the D man.
Mike I thought we were mates.
And you, you bloody Judas! Darrel, I can assure you we're certainly not mates and I can also assure you that, up to this moment, we hadn't considered making anyone redundant.
Don't you lie to me to me of all people.
The firm's going under, isn't it, Mike? BLOWS RASPBERRY No new claims, Mike.
I've been watching all day and there's nothing, not a one.
Did you switch it on? Switch it on? Oh, look - new claims.
Loads of them.
What we were going to do is make you employee of the month.
What? No No.
Right.
Look See? Darrel - that's me - question mark, R - redundancy.
Red wine! Although it appears you won't be needing any of this now, will you, Darrel? Don't be too harsh on him, cos he's had a rough day, Mike.
Hang on, that's my beer! Knack him! I'm very disappointed in you, Darrel.
Drinking at work is a very serious matter.
Now, before you leave the building, I want you to process every last claim and then we can discuss the appropriate disciplinary measures.
OK? Mike? What is it, Darrel? Just to clarify, am I still employee of the month? Thanks for helping us out earlier.
It's all right.
It's what friends do.
Hello! What's going on 'ere? Fill your boots, son.
Shut up.
We're just mates.
Mates can have platonic kisses.
You never give me platonic kisses.
Well, that's And you've got a lob-on! I haven't! That's just a crease.
Show us.
What? The picture.
Oh I shredded it.
After all I did for you? I helped you and you won't even show me the picture.
That's friendship for you, innit? That's just Special friend SHE GIGGLES You get all the pictures back, then? What do you mean, all? I made loads of copies, I'm the copying king.
Sometimes I get in loads of trouble for making too many trial bundles.
I just get carried away.
Yeah, for the court barristers.
Everyone's going to see it.
I'm dead.
So's Mike.
Post! Where's the post? Go, go! Darrel! I can't believe you drank all 15 cans.
In two hours.
How cool is that? No, it's not cool.
They were my cans.
Thought it would make you like me more.
Just give me one reason why I shouldn't just batter you now? Because you secretly love me.
Swanny is gonna kill me if he doesn't get his birthday lager.
And you.
I'm sorry.
I'll pay.
You can take all the money in my wallet.
Thanks, Darrel.
I'm still annoyed, though.
There's nothing in there! Ya-a-a-arrghhh! No running in the office.
BOTH: Sorry.
Can you explain this? No, it wasn't me I don't care who did it.
I just want it cleared up.
I've got to Now! I don't want clients thinking we work in a pigsty.
Where are you going? You can help him.
I can't.
What do you mean, you can't? I mean The baby, morning sickness.
It's 5 o'clock in the afternoon.
Oh, God, I'm gonna throw up Oh, God, Mike, help me.
Go, go.
Get away! Postman.
Has he been? Has he gone? Where's the postman? He's just gone.
Oh, bollocks.
What kind of place are we working where they won't let you sell ice pops on the side? They're worse than the Talibans.
Hey! What about Lee Ann? She's not a Taliban.
No, your date, you muppet! Oh.
I've lost all my money.
She won't want me now.
Ask her out anyway.
Tell her how much money you made before you lost it.
Maybe it's just not meant to be.
Maybe I am a little boy who should just stick to playing gangs.
Here you are.
Have this.
What? Shelley, you can't! What about Swanny and his birthday lager? Don't worry about Swanny, you have it.
It's what mates are for.
They look out for each other.
They help each other.
Go get her, tiger.
Get her a tiger? Just go and ask her out.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Lee Ann? I've got a fortune.
Look, sexy money.
Whoa! How much did you make? ã23.
Is that it? No.
And 50p.
Well done.
Aren't you the rich businessman(?) Yeah.
So, me and you? Asif, I don't want to be cruel, but I'm a lawyer, I'm a shark.
I suggest you take your ã23 And 50p.
and go and buy yourself some new toys and then run off to your little den and play with them.
If you do not stop annoying me, I will raise an official grievance.
Thank you for not being cruel.
Hey! How did you get on? Ohh! She was well gagging for me.
Yes! But I realised she's just not the right one for me, so I had to let her down gently.
Was she all right? She was well gutted, crying and all that.
But I said to her, "Lee Ann, I know it's hard, "but you've just got to get through this.
" You know? Then she started begging me and all that and then she Bloody hell! She looks heartbroken(!) Hey, you won't be needing this for your date, will you? What? No, this is just coins! Shelley! You all right? What do you think? I think you MIGHT be.
Having chased a postman across town to save your arse, then find this! I'm really sorry.
I should never have drawn it.
Too bloody right! It's disgusting.
I didn't draw that.
You've signed it.
And look how fat I am, you horrible get, doing that to me ON me.
It's disgusting.
Is this how you see me? I thought we were mates and then you go and do thisthisFILTH! We are mates.
You know I'd never do anything to upset you.
Well, intentionally.
Look, I bought you this to say sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Special friend? All right.
I'll forgive youjust this once.
Special friend! Thanks for the wine.
I'll save it till I've had the baby.
I love red wine.
Looks dead expensive, too.
Yeah.
It is really thoughtful of you.
Here he is, employee of the month.
Have you drunk your wine yet? Free bottle of wine, eh? Oh! Did he show you the picture? Tania, what colour's your minge? Like, I thought it would be blonde, but Kenny reckons you dye it black.