Lunch Monkeys (2009) s02e01 Episode Script

This programme contains some strong language I'm pregnant.
Excellent! MOBILE RINGS Is this All right, Mum? Yeah, yeah, I'm in there now.
You know I'd never do anything to upset you.
Well - intentionally Yes! I got off with Shelley.
You didn't get off with me! A ring! Yes! Oh, Charlie Oww! He's got my balls No, that's me.
Do a good job and I'll give you a promotion.
Brilliant.
MOANING Charlie! SCREAMING I do like you, you know.
I know.
SHE YELPS All right, Tania? Fine, thanks.
Tania, why's this vending machine only serving jelly? Don't worry.
It's low fat, Gloria.
Don't forget your appraisal this afternoon, Tania.
Don't panic, Tania.
You won't get sacked for a bad appraisal.
Mike, don't worry.
I have got the postroom running like a dream.
Good.
My God, just take a piece Like I said, Mike - a dream.
Oh, bollocks.
Get in! The D-Man wins again! 5-nil! Aww, Post-it Jenga! Wicked KENNY: Oh, no, we've been burgled Aww So what's she called, then? What's who called? The girl.
What girl? The one whose face you were eating on the steps earlier.
Can you be more specific? Five foot eight.
Red hair.
Average looking.
Average looking Average looking? Av Its notit's not ringing any bells.
Same girl picked you up in her car last night.
What was the registration? MK06 L SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY Her name's Becky.
She's just a friend.
A friend? Or a girlfriend? You've got a girlfriend? Kenny's got a girlfriend.
Bullshit! It's nothing serious.
She just gave me a lift.
Mmm! Is that what they call it now? No I think they call it "shagging".
No way! Did you shag a girl? My lips are sealed.
At least you've still GOT lips.
Unlike Becky.
Kenny's girlfriend's got no lips.
I'd shag a girl with no lips.
Well, Mr Face Eater - you need to get back to work.
There's post that needs opening.
Time to stop your doodling.
I'd love to help.
But Mike's asked me to redesign the company logo thing.
Rebranding the firm.
It's a pretty big deal.
Cool.
How much are you getting paid? WellI'm kind of going for something which fundamentally symbolises Fox Cranford.
This it? Yup.
Mmm, it's good.
I like Labradors.
Like? It's not a dog.
It's a fox.
It's a fox 'Ere.
Does that look like a dog? I thought it was a horse.
I don't care if Mr Khan signed the order form - I want them jellies out of the machine by tonight and the regular food back in.
And for your information, he is NOT a lawyer.
Just tell us what's up.
OKbut it's a long story.
It's all right, mate, just take your time.
Well, it was about six weeks ago.
It was a Thursday, and it was raining.
My auntie was buying some new glasses from SpecsToday, the famous glasses shop All right, well maybe speed it up a bit.
OK, sorry.
Now, these glasses were very expensive.
Around ã120.
They seemed OK at first, and my auntie was very happy with her purchase.
But very soon, something terrible happened.
The lensplopped out.
Nightmare(!) Oh, yes, Kenny, it's good.
I like it.
Not quite what I expected, but Well, I've got this one as well - bit more exciting A FLYING fox? Mm-hm Fox with a sword Oh, yes Fox on fire You know, II think it might be the fox that's the problem.
Well, Fox Cranford It works.
But foxes are perceived as sneaky and devious.
I'm not sure that's the image that people associate with a lawyer.
Mm? Er Sorry, Kenny.
Creativity isn't really my strong point.
You knowsince my wife left me I've become so much more indecisive.
You don't realise how much you rely on someone else being around, to to talk to, to .
.
to share things HIS VOICE CRACKS Erm Hey, um Sodo you want to keep the fox, or? Don't worry, Mike.
Gloria to the rescue.
Now Kenny, I don't want to tell you how to do your job.
But What we need here is something that really depicts the honour and nobility of Fox Cranford A picture of Mike.
What's going to look better than that on the newsletter? BREATHILY: Little handsome, single Mike.
With maybe a little Gloria in the corner HE LAUGHS UNEASILY Fish Cranford, Mike? Fish? What are you looking at flats for, Shells? Well, I've sort of decided it's about time I looked for my own place.
You know - spread my wings and stand on my own two feet.
Ahhh Mum chucked you out again, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, my God this is fate.
I'm homeless too.
Mum's sold up and moved out to Spain.
She wanted me to go with her, like, but what's out there for the D-Dog? She didn't ask you to go, did she? No.
It's all right, though - I'm living here.
I've got you guys, I've got this place.
Job and home in one.
It's got everything I need.
Sleep on Mike's sofa, free tea and coffee There's no shower.
I got me a flannel! I'm still here, people.
My problem isn't just going to go away! I thought it couldn't get any better, but now this! You! Me! As one.
In a flat.
Hello! Is anyone listening to ME?! We could come to work together, be at work together then go hometogether.
Commit suicide together.
Have you ever been to a tile centre? You would not BELIEVE the range.
Floor tiles.
Wall tiles.
Bathroom.
Kitchen Hello! Can we move back to the important things? Asif! They're just glasses! They're not just glasses! They're my auntie's glasses.
My whole family's going bananas.
They want me to sue 'em! They still think you're a lawyer?! Why don't you go down to SpecsToday, and ask to speak to the manager? Eh? And then smack him! That's my girl.
Oi! Will you lot get off your arses and get some work done? If this pile gets any bigger it'll start copying itself.
Ooh, scary Mary! Is she always like this? Or is she just being extra nice cos it's her appraisal today? What do you want, Gloria? Just your feedback forms for your appraisal.
So your team can assess you, and let me and Mike know how well you're doing.
Or not.
You did them when I was in your job, remember? Very thorough you were.
100% confidential.
Oh, brilliant Feel free to let it all out.
Say how you feel.
Is there a prize? Any problems? Vent your spleen.
Cool Feel like you've been overlooked? Put it all down.
However small! It may seem trivial to you, but once I've seen it, it could be huge.
Interesting Gloria? You've got a bit of jelly on the side of your month.
So.
Who's for a brew then? 'Ey! Got you a bedside lamp.
Stick it by your bedin our flat.
Switch it on.
Have a little read Stick it up your arse HE CLEARS HIS THROA Asif! Oh, not this again.
Ask Charlie what he wants.
Do we really have to go this every bloody time? Tell Charlie we do-oo.
Tania says "we do-oo!" Can we not just be grown up about it - and move on? It WAS several weeks ago.
Tell Charlie that I have completely moved on from the fact that he knocked me up and then shagged the office bike in the store cupboard.
She says no.
Where's my new claims?! Please, can you not shout? I'm confused.
Is that you or Tania? Both.
Both.
Where are my new claimsplease? Got stuff going on, man.
Bit stressed today.
It's about my auntie's glasses.
Well, about a month ago Right.
I'm already extraordinarily bored by you, so, here's how it's going to be.
I want to see those new claims on my desk in an hour - if not, I'm going to change my shoes and put on my specially made shit kickers.
I'm going to come back in here with said shit kickers and kick some shit.
OK? OK Charlie says he's got shit on his shoes.
I have found the most AMAZING flat.
Going to ring up later.
Kenny has so changed.
It's got a plasma TV, gym in the basement I thought women were supposed to be complex.
Dead complex, yeah.
Security Lecky gates.
Walk-in wardrobes.
En suite in every room.
Er, Shelley Reality check.
How are you going to pay your deposit? Don't try and confuse me with your details, Tania.
It'll be three months' rent.
Best part of a grand probably - have you got that lying around? I think it's a little bit beyond you.
I think maybe Kenny's a bit beyond YOU.
What do you mean by that? The Kenny boat has sailed.
And you well, you're not on it.
It's not sailed.
Er, Tania - reality check! Just because he's a good bloke doesn't mean he's going to wait around forever.
To be honestI was thinking of having a little crack myself.
You know, if it wouldn't be a problem.
It would be a problem.
Tania! CLATTER Ow! (Kenny!) (Yeah? What do you want?) (Can I talk to you?) (What is it?) (I want to know what's going on.
) (Wellwe're in a library,) (and we're whispering and it's a bit weird.
) (No No - with us.
I) (I thought you liked me.
Yeah, I do.
I think you're really nice.
) (Is that it?) (I thought you were going to ask me out.
) (I did.
) When? You didn't - I'd remember, I've got a mind like an elephant.
(Three weeks ago Wednesday, I got those tickets to the snooker.
) (All right - not the best date in the world.
But I still asked.
) (Weekend after I even asked you to go shopping, and I hate shopping.
) (Last weekend, the cinema - to see the film about the dog that dies.
) Oh, it doesn't die? You've ruined that now.
(Well, don't worry about it It were pants.
) I'm sorry.
I've just been rally busy with this new job.
(I know.
Don't be sorry.
) (You helped me realise you're too busy for a relationship,) (and that's fine.
I'm going to enjoy myself.
) (All right? We're still mates.
And we'll always be mates.
) He has been after me for AGES.
Do you remember when you used to do pictures of ME? Whatever happened to 'em? I've got 'em! Keep 'em in a little folder.
He hasn't.
Some of themare WELL filthy.
Are they? Do you ever stop talking? Erm I'm hungry.
Do you fancy some lunch? Great.
Would you pick us up a butty while you're out? Just erm I don't know - like chicken, or just use your imagination.
Yeah - cos there's nothing I'd like better than to fetch YOU butties.
Oh, great.
And crisps like, cheese and onion.
Kenny! What? Why are you being like this with me? Being like what? You know what! No, I don't.
What? AAAARGH! Ohhhhhhh! God No, Dad - I haven't sorted it yet.
Yeah, it IS lucky I'm a top lawyer.
I know you're proud And Mum's proud.
And Auntie Reena.
And Uncle Sarwar.
And the whole family's proud.
Course I won't let you down Look, Dad, I-I I got to go, there's a judge come in and he's got his er hammer out.
I've got a big problem, man.
What shall I do? Ah Just get yourself down the clinic, get it seen to.
If you leave it, it's just going to get worse.
It's more of awork problem.
Ah, I see.
Hmmm.
If I were you, I'd run away.
Yeah.
Look at me - I knocked up the office junior, nailed some other chick in the store cupboard.
Bad shit.
Everybody hates Charlie.
Two weeks in Thailand - they've all forgotten! Probably.
I need some lawyer skills.
You're a big-shot lawyer Yeah.
Can you teach me? What have you got? 52p, and a Hubba Bubba.
Tell you what, little man.
I've got an idea.
You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours.
My back's not itchy.
My feet are flaky, though.
I got cream.
You do the new claims, yeah? You give me first dibs on the best ones, I'll give you some free advice.
Isn't that unfair on the other lawyers? Yeah! Yeah.
Rule number one.
You've got to let 'em know who's top dog.
And then they won't question you.
Works every time.
GET ME SOME BISCUITS! Do you have to do it with the shouting? Yeah, shouting's essential.
Rule number two.
Always LOOK the part.
On your feet, soldier.
No-one messes with a man in a waistcoat.
Apart from rough lads in bars.
Call you namesand stuff.
They're justidiots.
Ignore them.
Won't I lookstupid, though? No.
No I'm wearing a waistcoat - do I look stupid? Erm Oh, look! Biscuits.
Thank you, Deborah.
See? Thanks, Charlie.
You know you're actually OK for an evil bloke.
Yeah.
PHONE RINGS Ermis someone going to answer that, or am I suddenly everyone's personal secretary? We were actually just filling in our feedback forms.
For your appraisal.
How do you spell "mismanagement"? Did someone just say "flatshare"? Did someone just say "Absolutely no chance ever in a million years"? Not me.
Aw, come on, Shelley.
I've got a foot spa! Ahh The way to a girl's heart.
The trusty foot spa.
Hello? Is this SpecsToday? HE SHOUTS Send some glasses to my auntie! The lens keeps falling out! You won't fix them! You NEED to fix them! Hello? Hello? They not responding to your subtle negotiations? These people are impossible! They keep talking over me - "Press 1 for new frames, press 2 for" I dunno, I'd started shouting by then.
That's it There's only one thing left to do.
Well, make sure you wear a balaclava.
CCTV.
Shelley, no.
I'm going to be sensible about this I'm going to run away.
Come and live with me.
It'll be brilliant.
Like Dawn Of The Dead, but in a flat.
Without zombies.
Yeah.
Sorry guys This is too big.
Can I have it, then? No! I can't face the shame.
I gotta leave the country.
Gotta go abroad I'm going to North Wales! Please live with me.
I don't want to be on my own.
I'll pay for you.
I've saved up loads.
Darrel why don't we have a nice cup of tea and you can tell us all about that foot spa? This is it! Asif is leaving the building.
You can't stop me! Mind's made up.
Guys? Kenny All right, mate? Yeah.
You going to cry? I told you - if you cry, I'll hit you.
People are looking! I just can't believe that you want to live with me.
Don't twist my words.
This is the happiest moment of my life.
All right, calm down.
Silly billy Ha.
Right.
Erm How do we go about this flat-hunting thing, then? Way ahead of you, Shells.
Found a few possibles to call this afternoon.
Whoa.
Ground rules first.
Under no circumstances do you EVER come into my room.
OK? OK.
What if there's a fire? Then just shout.
OK.
And what if you've got your headphones in? Leave me to burn.
OK.
We need to do a rota.
Erm, I do cleaningyou do cooking? Don't do cooking.
OK, you do cleaning.
Don't do cleaning.
You've got to do SOMETHING.
All right I'll flush the toilet.
HE STIFLES LAUGHTER It's hard managing your mates, in't it? I found that.
Still - there's no reason to say all that though, is there? All what? Well, the feedback forms.
Can I see 'em? Oh, I'm sorry, Tania.
I'd love to show you them, I really would - but "Confidential" means you can't see them.
No-one's ever failed their first appraisal before - although there was that girl Tina.
Last I heard, she was living in a flat with five kids on benefits.
So you see - there is life after Fox Cranford, you needn't worry.
I'm not worried.
You should be (He's in a right foul mood.
) (I think it's cos his wife's left him.
) (His wife up and done one with the builder!) Poor Mike.
He needs someone to look after him.
A good woman.
Can you think of anyone? Er Fate'll decide it.
It'll be someone right under his nose.
A friend.
Or a work colleague.
Mmm.
Probably Janice in Cash.
Has he said something?! Dunno.
MIKE: Come in (Oh, God) MIKE! Sorry.
Sorry I'm just aI'm just a bit nervous.
Am I OK? Yeah.
Fine.
Butthe feedback forms.
They were all very good.
They're really very fond of you, aren't they? Eveneven Darrel? I never read Darrel's.
Although if I understood Asif's writing correctly he says that you work them too hardinnit.
So everything's OK? Yeah, everything's fine.
Justone little thing before we get down to the details.
Would you er like to see the CCTV tapes? No, you're all right Maybe even the highlights? You should see Wednesday's.
3:30am.
Filthy! Kenny Kenny! We're getting a flat, and we're going to live together.
Shelley and me in a flat, It's going to be amazing! You'll have to come round with Tania, eh? We can double-date! Oi! You two - go and sort out this flat now.
No more laundry in my postroom.
Moving in with Shelley, and going home early.
Could this day get any better? Aw, cheers, Tania.
You are the best boss ever.
Yup.
After Gloria! Ah, just get going.
We'll be fine, I've got Asif and Kenny.
I'm going to miss you guys.
I'm going to miss my mum.
Miss her cooking.
No-one makes cornflakes like she does.
Am I missing something? You don't understand the pressure I'm under! It's not right that one so young should have such terrible worries.
What have I done to deserve this? You told your dad you were a lawyer.
My whole family, waiting for the hero lawyer to sue SpecsToday.
I can't do it! I'm finished.
They're going to find out I'm just some useless no-good postroom guy.
Cheers, mate(!) What happened to the glasses? The lens keeps plopping out.
Are you serious? Nightmare, innit? Now you see why I've got to go.
I'll send you guys a postcard, yeah? Asif! I think I can sort it.
If you do this I will do a million post runs! No - I will give you my Xbox for the weekend.
Really, it's fine.
SHE TYPES Look at you.
You're like a wizard! It's a standard letter template, you see? We'll fax it off, I'll give them a call.
I know what to say.
You've got a template .
.
just for my auntie's glasses? You are amazing! We might get a better deal if we pretend to be a couple Hey.
We might get an better deal, if we do a live sex show for them Seriously? Nah! MUSIC: "Little Lion Man" by Mumford & Sons Oi! Banksy.
Give us a hand.
I'm a little bit busy being creative here.
You know, I'm surprised you can see me from all the way up there inside your arse! Come on.
Give us a go, then.
What's that? It is a C with two ears and a tail.
Why didn't I think of that? Put ears and a tail on a C.
Genius! So, then - Mr Creative - what have you got for me? Oh, yes, this is ermthis is good.
Very ermartistic.
It's you.
Yeah.
Hang on a minute, what's that? Oh, I like this, this is super Erm Oh, yes.
Fox Cranford! Oh Well done, Kenny! It's simple, yetbrilliant.
He's good, this one.
Don't let HIM go.
All right Very good.
Laugh it up, well done.
Cos you've missed the last post.
What? You've missed the last post.
They're sending glasses to my auntie's right now! I can't believe it.
I actually did it! All on my own! OK, maybe you helped a little bit.
Right, we can get this bloody post sorted now.
Yeah It's just that there's a feast.
For me - the hero lawyer! Gonna be girls there.
Please can I go? Oh, yeah, brilliant.
We've missed the last collection so we need to drag this lot to the sorting office, but yeah - just go and have a feast.
Oh, thanks, Tania.
You're the best! Laters! Asif! Kenny? This room's a bit small, Shells Aaah Mine's all right! Are we getting it, yeah? SHELLEY PRETENDS TO SOB Go on, then.
Aagh! Oooh Why am I carrying all t'heavy bags? Oh You are whining like a girl.
Well, you're sweating like a man.
Take that back, or you'll get a warning.
Great management skills(!) Why didn't you use those earlier and get us a trolley? Maybe you should have used your initiative and got us one before we set off! That would be a management decision.
And I don't want to get ideas above my station.
Plus you'd only give me a warning.
You know, I should give you a warning for winding me up all day.
Yeah? Well, you should get a warning fordestroying an artist's work.
An artist's work?! The same work that Mike rejected for a logo that took me five seconds? You're so pathetic.
And childish.
Yeah, well - at least I've not got stupid hair.
Yeah, you have.
It's yellow.
It's blonde! Oh! Resorting to violence.
Typical to your management style.
Shut up! That's assault.
Did you see that, mate? I'm getting beaten up by my boss.
I'm going to really hurt you! Yeah? I've got a claim here.
SHE YELLS AGGRESSIVELY HE LAUGHS D'you know? You arethe most annoying bloke I have ever met.
Yeah? Yeah But it was not your fault but mine And it was your heart on the line I really fucked it up this time ASIF LAUGHS JOYFULLY Come on, Kenny! POUNDING MUSIC, SHELLEY LAUGHS AND WHOOPS I miss Mike's office