Lunch Monkeys (2009) s02e06 Episode Script

She's looking.
Bollocks.
Swallow.
You all right? I'm a bit late.
You've not missed anything.
It's all a bit depressing.
No, no, no.
I'm a bit late.
Oh.
You know, I wouldn't worry, Shelley.
I am, too.
Every month.
I always think, I'm pregnant! Little baby Kenny growing inside my tummy.
Just the three of us.
Little family.
Kenny, look at this video on YouTube.
It's well cute.
SQUEALING Never am, though.
You'll be fine, Shelley.
Are you all right? Is there anything you want to tell me? No, just got a bit of indigestion.
I always get bloated when I have chips for breakfast.
Well, thank you all for gathering here.
Don't worry, I won't keep you from your work for too long.
30 years have just flown by, and I couldn't have done it without all of you.
Hear, hear! He's right.
So, I'd like you all to join me in celebrating with a nice bit of cake.
Good quality.
Home-made by these fair hands.
So here's to another 30 years of successful litigation.
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow! ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow! ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow! ♪ And so say all of us! ♪ Thank you.
♪ And so say all of us! ♪ And so say all of us ♪ ♪ You are my sunshine My only sunshine ♪ Right, anyone want any cake? Didn't know you sucked on the old devil's pipe, Charlie.
What?! How dare you! I'm not gay! I've never done it with a man Knowingly.
Though, once, in Thailand Oh! No, no.
I just started.
It helps me deal with the stress.
Oh.
Knocked someone up again? No, no, no.
Not for ages.
Losing money hand over fist.
Too many skiving toe-rags, like you.
They should've made me partner.
I'd have straightened the place out.
Rumour has it the firm's going under, and Cranford's looking for a way out.
Mike's leaving? No, he's going to kill himself.
I don't see him making the weekend, to be honest.
Really? Absolutely.
What's he got to live for? His wife's left him, he's lost all his money, his business is crumbling around him.
That's awful.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
But I'm sure I'll find another job.
Apparently, Mike's going to top himself.
Mmm.
This weekend.
Why this weekend? Eurovision.
I bet it's Eurovision.
Mike wouldn't do that, would he? He's not said anything.
He's depressed.
His wife's left him.
He's spent 30 years in this dump.
And he works with you.
That's enough to make anyone top themselves.
I'd do drowning.
Nearly did it once.
In the bath.
Seeing how long I could hold my breath.
Got stuck under some boats.
Well scary.
I'd want to cause as much mess as possible.
Let everyone know.
I'd cut my hands off and spray the walls.
Oh, brilliant.
Who's gonna pay the rent? I think we should try and cheer him up.
Yes, you're right.
I'll go and see him.
She said "cheer him up".
As of this moment, I am officially on suicide watch.
Don't want the big man going too soon.
We can throw a proper party for him.
Yeah, we could buy some food.
Get some beer.
Get him a present.
Maybe some beer? Right, how much money have we all got? £1.
12, and a picture of Gloria? £1.
12.
Let the good times roll.
I know what we'll do.
How would you chop your second hand off? Me pay for a party for Mike? All right, then.
Good idea.
I've been really worried about him, actually.
He's not himself recently.
He's not eating his lunches, going home early.
He's not even been clocking my tits, and my tops have been getting lower and lower.
Nothing.
Have you heard anything about the firm being in trouble? Mrs Fox, founding partner, died last year.
Her daughter, real ball-breaker, wants to take her money out.
Nothing Mike can do.
He's been crippled by this divorce.
Poor Mike.
Poor Mike? Poor bloody us! You can say goodbye to your paralegal training, Tania.
She takes her money out, that's us down the toilet! I'll be all right, though.
You know, I'll get another job, just like that! "Go-girl Gloria", that's what they call me.
Got a reputation, you see, for getting things done.
People pleaser.
Anyway, about the money for Mike's party? I said to Leboy, I said, "You do not touch that.
"It does not belong to you.
You have not earned that right.
"That is mine, Leboy.
" And do you know what he said? The cheeky get, he Did he say, "Turn your mobile phone off at work, "because it is extremely unprofessional, "particularly when you're supposed to be working on reception?" No.
Excuse me, missus, have you got an appointment? It's Ms.
And I don't need an appointment.
Morning, Darrel.
It's OK.
I'm all right.
So, let's get this party started.
Who's doing what? Shelley, you can do decorations.
Oh, why do I have to do that? You've got previous.
Will you give it a rest? I was never convicted.
Experience.
You did them for the Christmas do.
Oh, yeah.
Kenny, here's £100.
Get some food and drink, and a present.
Something classy.
I'm doing a card.
Can Asif do it? OK, fair point.
But take Darrel and bin-head with you.
You'll need help carrying stuff.
Me and Shelley'll stay here and get this room sorted.
Asif! Hiya.
Can I help you? Who is that? She looks proper evil, like a teacher or a vicar.
I think I know who it is.
Quick, ring Mike.
We need to warn him.
Tell him Ms Fox is here.
ENGAGED TONE Why is Mike's phone always engaged? If you ask me, Leboy needs to know that you don't do it like that.
I mean, don't even try and do it like that.
You do it like that, you're going to get into a right mess.
And who's going to clean it up? Not Leboy.
Asif, your time has come.
Please don't sacrifice me to the evil woman.
No, I need you to run upstairs and tell Mike that Miss Fox is in the building.
I knew this moment would come! Two years of running up the stairs.
This is what it was all for.
Run like the wind, kid.
Excuse me! Yes! Come on! Asif Khan! A new world record! And the crowd goes wild! Yes! Mike! Moisturiser's your answer.
I'll have to go, there's someone 'ere.
Can I help you, love? I doubt it.
If you're here to see Mike, you'll need an appointment.
He'll see me.
I am Mike's personal assistant, and I've got very strict instructions about assisting him personally.
I'm Imogen Fox.
That makes me your boss.
Hmm, like I'm scared.
If you do not step out of the way, I shall fire you.
I am not going to commit suicide.
I'm sorry, but I am going to need to take that.
And your letter openers.
Do these windows lock? Mike, there's an evil fox lady in the office! You've got to get out! Hello.
My name is Darrel.
Asif! Hello, my name is Kenny.
Let me take that for you.
Oh, thanks.
Such a gentleman.
Sit down.
Thanks.
Do you want to put your feet up? I'm all right, thanks.
Are you OK? Yeah, are you OK? Yeah, I'm OK.
And I'm OK.
Then the two of us are both OK, then? Where've you two been? The two of us are OK.
That Mrs Fox is definitely evil.
She wanted Mike to sack us.
Sounds all right to me.
She called us idiots.
So she's evil how? Well, your picture's not very exciting, is it? What? It's really boring.
I would've done it much better.
If I was doing it, I would do, like, the building on fire, blowing up, people dying, Mrs Fox's head exploding.
Well, Mike's going to love that, isn't he? His building on fire, his staff staff all butchered? Brilliant.
Cheers, mate.
How you getting on with them decorations? Fine.
Do you think I look pregnant? No, you just look fat.
Shut up.
I'm much skinnier than you.
Look at your gut.
I'm bloated, I've got wind.
Anyway, I was only joking.
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
Shut up and get in there.
I always carry one now.
Oh, right.
GROANING Eh, does it tell you who the dad is? Imagine if you had a baby.
That would be so cool.
You could teach it to swear and stuff.
They're not as easy as you think.
I've spent a lot of time looking after Shelley's brother and I've found that babies are actually quite aggressive.
Take this, will you? I've got to do something.
I'm not allowed notes.
You'll be fine.
Just get some food and a present.
What sort of food? I don't know.
Chicken and stuff.
Chips.
Party food.
Kenny! We'll be all right.
We'll be fine.
We can do this.
Let's show 'em.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
How you getting on? All right.
Er, I just had a poo first, so I don't know what that means.
Negative.
Bollocks.
That's all I need.
Right, it's gonna either be Benny, Tonker, Clive.
It means you're not pregnant, Shelley.
Oh, brilliant.
There you go.
It's all right, you can keep it.
It's yours.
I don't want it.
Well, cheers.
I'm struggling to find reasons to keep my equity in the business, Mike.
You're haemorrhaging money, obviously not running the firm efficiently, and I've yet to meet a member of staff that has impressed me.
I have to object, Imogen.
You've been here 30 minutes, I've been here for 30 years.
I think I know my staff just a tiny bit better than you do.
Kenny is a right nightmare with condoms.
He can't get 'em on.
It's like watching an ice pop in a microwave.
Did I tell you about that time me and Swanny lost the johnny? You'll never guess where we found it Ah, Imogen, did I mention how delightful you're looking today? Several times.
And did I mention, er, what an honour it is to have you working in the office for us? No.
Well, it is.
I think you are just what this firm needs.
Breath of fresh air.
Ball breaker? Yes.
Yes, the firm needs new blood.
Hot young lawyers ready to drive the business forward.
Cranford's had his day.
I mean, between you and me, I wouldn't be sorry to see the old bastard go.
Michael Cranford is a very able and respected lawyer.
Precisely what I'm saying.
He just has no idea on management.
He's a complete idiot, we're in total agreement.
Utterly unable to identify unreliable and disloyal staff.
Ah, there's two already.
The big one, Tania - trouble.
You two, come here.
Don't you have some work you should be doing? We're on a break.
And tell me, how many breaks do you get? Hardly any.
Yeah, we get one in the morning, one in the afternoon, lunch.
Fag breaks, one in the morning, one in the afternoon.
Ridiculous! It's a nightmare, isn't it? Bloody reprobates! They're a nightmare in that post room.
Unreliable and disloyal.
Well, that's interesting that you should say that.
Tania MacGuire.
Mike says she's a rising star, extremely bright and capable.
One to watch.
Exactly! What did he? What did he say about me? Pure evil.
Yeah! What's he say about me? Shelley Benson.
Exuberant! The bastard! I can't believe he said that! Shelley.
It's a good thing.
Ha! Hey! "Hello, I am Miss Fox.
Welcome to my wonderful world of evil.
" I definitely wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley.
All right, Gloria? She's here.
Prowling around.
Sacking everybody.
Seriously? Probably.
MOBILE RINGS No, no! Don't answer it! Could be her! What, on Kenny's phone? Turn your phones off, girls.
She'll be sacking us by text.
That's how they do it these days.
15 years of glorious service! Glorious! I'm called Gloria! Bloody Foxy! Closing us down.
All of us out of a job.
That's your future down the pan hole.
I tell you what, she won't sack me.
I'll resign first.
I've still got my dignity.
Yeah.
Hi.
I've sorted the booze.
What food did you get? Or shouldn't I ask? Oh, ye of little faith.
Oh, man, we have got a feast! It's going to be amazing.
Brilliant, let's have a look, then.
Ta-da! What's that? Chicken! It's Mike's favourite.
Roast dinner.
Party food.
Dinner party.
Classy.
How are you going to cook it? How do you mean? Wow! In the oven! In the oven? What bloody oven? There is no oven! You pair of tits! Oh, no! Suppose you don't want these oven chips either, then? It's no good.
It won't fit.
What are you going to do? Tania's going to kill you.
No, Tania's going to kill US.
I'm not part of this.
You blew the money.
You gave us the money - you know that we're stupid.
Maybe we should just tell the truth.
What? The truth? Are my ears deceiving me? Is this Asif Khan, top lawyer? The truth has no place here, my simple young friend.
This is real life.
I'm just so tired of lying and running.
Come on, don't cry.
It's OK.
I know what we'll do.
We'll just give the money back.
Have you got 100 quid? No.
Not since Shelley moved in.
We could just steal it.
Rob a bank.
Hold up an off-licence.
Genius.
That's brilliant.
We can make masks! I've got toy guns.
They look real.
We'll need a getaway car! What about your ice-cream van? I only have that on Tuesdays.
I know what we'll do.
Hello, Mum.
Can I borrow your car to rob the off-licence? No, I'm not panicking.
Look, we've got no time.
It's a long story.
We are in grave danger.
We've organised a party, but we've got no food.
OK, that seems like a good option as well.
OK, thanks.
She said she'd make us some food so we don't have to rob the off-licence.
That very nearly got out of hand.
Oi, you shouldn't be up there.
Are you all right? I am starving.
So, how's the food coming on? Yeah, just great Cool.
What did they get? Just stuff.
Listen, while I've got you alone, there's something I want to talk to you about.
Is it Lanzarote? No You've booked us a holiday, ain't you? No, I haven't.
Shift your legs over.
Agh! Shelley! Those are for the party! Your boss is a right misery.
I tell you what, no-one would have come in here and shut the firm down when I was in charge! Wait till you see her drunk.
She's a right mess.
Aren't you, eh? Ha! How many have you had? I only had the one crate! I lugged them crates all the way across town.
Go on, have one.
Go on.
No, I'd best not.
Why not? Because I've still got loads of work to do.
We've not got the post out yet.
Listen, I think we need to have that word.
OK.
Is it Tenerife? Miss Fox wants everyone in reception now.
This is it.
The coup de grace.
Someone said she killed a man.
In Spain.
I wouldn't put it past her.
She looks the type.
A femme fatale.
Very scary woman.
Great pins, though.
God! I don't know what to do.
I've never had an I, you see Imogen.
Oh, I'm sure, I'm sure I could bag her.
This is the thing.
But then I might be too scared to perform.
Do you know you're speaking out loud? Shit.
So, reception, then? Shelley, put that can down.
Catch you up! I will no longer be a silent equity partner and forthwith I shall be assuming my position of managing partner.
There will be significant changes to how this practice is run, with implications for some of the staff.
I have a low tolerance for inefficiencies and poorly performing assets.
We should be OK, man.
And with this in mind A feast for Asif Khan.
Can I help you? I'm looking for my son, Asif Khan.
Asif the post-room guy? Post room? No, no, no, you must be mistaken.
He's a top lawyer.
No, the only Asif we've got here is in the post room.
Thanks for the food, Dad.
You'd better go, there's a big speech.
What's this about the post room? There's something I need to tell you.
I'm not a solicitor.
What? I'm a barrister! Ahem! You have brought shame and disgrace upon me and the family.
And to think that you have lived a lie for two years! I don't know what to believe.
Did you really drive those cars with Lewis Hamilton? I don't know what is true and what is lies.
Look at your sister, eh - a proud and successful doctor.
I should disown you here and now.
Asif Khan, top lawyer! The spectacles! The feast! A tissue of lies! A web of deceit! I only told you worked in a law firm.
You just assumed I was a lawyer.
You were so excited.
I didn't want to disappoint you.
Ah, Asif Khan, my star lawyer.
Ah, this must be Mr Cranford, sir.
Please do not waste your expensive breath.
The cat is finally out of the bag.
My son has been working for you under false pretences.
He is not a lawyer! Really? But his work is so It's OK, Mike.
He knows the truth.
He knows I'm just in the post room.
Mr Khan, you have a wonderful son, and I'm sure, given the opportunities, he will go far.
That is pleasing to hear from one as rich as you.
But he will be punished.
No more trips to play for Manchester United on the weekends.
Let's go.
But, Dad, the food.
I'm sorry, son - these are lawyer-standard pakoras.
We're taking them home.
Come on.
Has the scary woman gone, Mike? I haven't seen Gloria all day, to be honest.
Ha! Good one.
So, then, Mike, mate.
How are you doing? Do you need a hug? Darrel, get away from me.
I've had a very bad day.
I have no desire for you to make it any worse.
No, it's OK, Mike, I think you're over the critical period.
You can have your belt back.
What are you doing here? Nothing.
Do I need a reason to come to my boss's office? Yes.
Well, I wanted to see how you are.
You mean, apart from celebrating 30 years of running a business only to see it taken over by a devious viper? Apart from that.
Apart from that, perfectly fine.
If you don't mind, I'm going to go home now and drink my body weight in red wine.
What you need is some company.
Oh, God, you sound like Gloria! Please, Darrel, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm going to be anyway.
Go away! I'm going to go home now.
Would you like to come to the post room with me? No.
Please come.
Tania said you have to come.
If you don't, Shelley'll pull my eyelids off.
I'd like that.
Darrel, if I open my eyes and you're naked, you're fired.
OK.
And you can open them now.
♪ Michael, row the boat ashore Hallelujah ♪ Michael, row the boat ashore ♪ Hallelujah.
♪ Peace be with you.
And also with you.
It's the only song we could think of that had Michael in it.
We know you've had a hard day today.
And a really crap life.
We wanted to do something special for you.
To show that we really like you and we kind of like working with you too, sometimes.
Yeah, and I got you this.
Oh, I like this.
This is super.
We clubbed together and got you a present.
We thought, what would Mike really want? And it came to us.
England shirt! Do you like football, yeah? Not really.
It's got your name on the back and everything.
They'd run out of Ds.
69's like a little joke.
Like the ice cream, innit? No, that's not the joke.
And toothpaste.
It was on three for two, so one each.
That's yours.
I'm very touched.
Will you just sign this petty-cash form for the food? There's more where that came from! Well, thank you, Gloria.
Thank you, Tania.
Thank you, everyone.
Before you make a big speech, can I just say, I am really starving.
If I don't eat every two hours, I get headaches.
I've I've got an announcement to make.
Oh, what now?! Stand up.
Tania What? Erm will you do the honour of becoming my wife? Bloody hell! What are you doing?! I'm just trying to do the right thing.
This is so not the right thing.
Cos you're pregnant.
Bloody hell! I'm not pregnant.
Oh, thank God! No, that was Shelley! Bloody hell! It's not me, I did a test.
I'm confused.
Who's pregnant? Not me.
Definitely not me.
Chance'd be a fine thing! We should have a chat.
To be honest, I've not done a test, so I can't really rule it out.
So here's to a non-impregnated well, MY non-impregnated post room! Sorry about that.
I'm so keeping this ring! Ask me again in two years, yeah? LOUD MUSIC AND LAUGHTER There's someone in here.
MIKE: Terribly sorry.