Mad Love s01e12 Episode Script

In the topsy-turvy, mixed-up world where everything's always changing, some things are a constant Friends, family, and a great, big mound of chili nachos.
Why are we eating so fast? - Are we racing? - 'Cause Larry's here.
I'm sorry.
I eat when I'm excited.
And when he's bored.
And when he's sleepy.
And when he's wide awake.
No, you can't hurt me today, Ben.
I'm too jazzed.
Tiffany is suddenly single.
Thank you.
I bet him $5 he couldn't say the word jazzed with a straight face.
I'm jazzed too.
You're gonna hit on Tiffany and make an ass of yourself, and that's gonna be fun to watch.
Bernie just left her, Larry.
Give Tiffany a second to recover.
I can't believe I have been Tiffany's nanny for two years, and I never saw the split coming.
I should have read more of her emails.
I meant any.
Any of her emails.
Do you have any idea why Bernie left her? Umm, because he's gay.
It's the only explanation that makes sense, all right? You do not leave a woman who looks like that, not until she's older.
Whoa, here she comes.
Ooh, she looks terrible.
Yeah, she looks terrible.
- Hey, gang.
- All: Hi.
How are you holding up? Okay.
But I'm really gonna miss this place.
I think you've only been here once or twice.
Oh, no, not this disgusting bar.
I mean, New York.
Oh, did I not tell you guys? I've decided to move back home to Florida.
No! What? I mean, what? It's where all my friends are, and Bernie has a place down there, so he'll be able to see the kids.
This all seems a little bit sudden, right? I mean, let's not be brash here.
You know, maybe you need a little time to think about whether moving is what you really need.
I personally like to mull over my big decisions for a period of two to four years.
Nope, I've made up my mind.
It's three days and I'm off to Florida.
[Exclaims and slams table.]
He's a big fan of mulling things over.
Our love is volatile chemical anything but typical I want you badly I love you madly Benjamin, which one of these weight belts do you think goes better with my eyes? Larry, what are you doing? - The one on the left.
- Mm.
I volunteered to help Tiffany pack, and so she doesn't think I'm just there to hit on her, I volunteered you too.
But you are there to hit on her.
Right.
So that's why you'll be doing most of the packing.
- What? - [Mutters.]
Anyway, it's the perfect opportunity for me to implement the Larry Munsch rebound retrieval system.
It's a three-pronged attack.
I know what it is, Larry.
It's your way of preying on heartbroken women for your own sexual gain.
That is ridiculous, Ben.
It's for everyone's sexual gain.
Sometimes their gain exceeds my own.
Other times, it's perfectly equal.
Right.
And what does bringing them to the batting cages have to do with it? That, my friend, is prong one.
It allows the subject to purge her feelings of rejection and betrayal, which leads me to prong two, wherein I take her to the Shakespeare garden in Central Park.
It never fails to lead to prong three, which is I know what prong three is.
Prong three is my penis.
I did not know what prong three was.
Since I'm no longer gonna be working with Tiffany, I know that you're worried about me being able to pay my half of the rent, but I just have to tell you that something good has happened.
Oh, my God.
You sold the book? No, not that good.
I got a lead on a job as a personal assistant.
Oh.
Con, no, come on.
I mean, being a nanny made sense because you love kids, but a personal assistant? Running errands and picking up dry-cleaning, it doesn't really sound like you.
It's for celebrity chef Linda Clay.
Oh, my God, you have to take it! Now it sounds like me.
That should be the last of the heavy stuff.
All right.
There you go.
You know, Ben can handle all the itty-bitty little boy boxes.
I don't even know why he needs a weight belt.
Oh, this is calfskin.
Uh, Tiffany, do you know that you have a first-edition copy of the jungle book? Ben has a real thing for stuff no one else cares about.
You can take it if you want.
Are you serious? I mean, you know, cool.
So, Tifferk, you giving away any more of Bernie's stuff? Stuff with actual value? He's pretty much taken everything that was his, some stuff that was ours, and a few things that were mine.
What are you talking about? You know that you are entitled to half of everything, yeah? I don't mind.
Bernie says that we're not gonna get any lawyers involved.
He says that all lawyers are sharks.
Both: Ohh.
Whoa-oa.
Hey.
- Okay.
- Okay, Larry and I are lawyers, and we are not sharks.
I like to think of myself as more of a cheetah or a snow leopard.
I like cheetahs.
Larry what about Half lion, half robot.
Anyway, I don't want to make this divorce more unpleasant than it has to be.
The whole thing just kind of stresses me out.
Which is why we should hit the batting cages.
What do you say? I hate to say no, but I already packed my baseball Jersey.
Well, it's more of a half-Jersey, so it probably wouldn't be warm enough anyway.
Huh.
The batting cages are heated.
All right.
We got a problem.
The rebound retrieval system is malfunctioning.
Maybe your problem is that you're always trying to work some system or strategy.
Why don't you forget about the prongs and just ask Tiffany out? That's interesting.
I'm not sure I follow.
What would happen after that? You would go out with her.
To what end? To have a nice time.
You lost me.
Just ask her if she wants to grab a drink, and would you please be careful, okay? This is a first edition, and it's just raining down croissant.
Ben, you know, just because you've been to Montreal once doesn't mean you have to douche out every time you say croissant.
- Please watch it.
- Oh! Oh, oh.
I didn't know they put real strawberries in these.
- Oh.
- Good for them.
Good for them.
I mean, the truth is, you're overqualified for this.
You work with babies.
I'm an adult.
At least according to some people.
[Laughs.]
Also you should laugh at my jokes.
[Laughs.]
So anyway it's your basic assistant stuff.
Right? You plan parties, you try out some of my new recipes, and then you tell me that they are awesome.
[Laughs.]
That's not a joke.
Can I give you my resume maybe? Umm, so Oh, my God, Connie.
What a crazy coincidence.
I was just walking by, and then here you are [Gasps.]
- Chef Linda Clay.
- Yeah.
No way.
I am such a big fan.
I mean, not in a crazy way.
Just in a I want to make things with you way.
Oh, hi, it's very nice to meet you.
You are very, very close to my face.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little bit excited and nervous.
I am such a fan of your pumpkin ravioli.
I mean, before I tried yours, the only ravioli I liked was out of the can.
- Kate, what are you doing? - Oh, my God.
I love canned ravioli.
You're gonna think this is gross.
But sometimes I like to eat it Both: - Cold.
- Me too.
Oh, Kate, most people that meet me, they want to try to impress me by talking about artisanal cheeses and port-poached pears.
You're like this breath of fresh air.
[Laughter.]
Hi, I'm Connie.
I'm here for a job interview.
I can't believe you crashed my interview.
There is no way I'm gonna get that job now.
I thought I was very cool around chef Linda.
Yeah, it was very cool the way you asked her to sign a spatula that you just happened to have in your purse.
Hey.
How'd lunch go? - Wait.
- What? You knew that she was gonna crash my lunch? No.
I what? No, I just like to check how her meals go.
And was everything to your satisfaction? It was.
Thank you.
Umm, but guess who I saw? - Who? - Would you idiots stop it? Speaking of idiots, why are you wearing that belt? I don't know.
Why are you wearing that face? [Giggles.]
Well, I think my work here is mostly done.
Should we skedaddle? Oh.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, Ben, hang on one second, okay? Tiffany, I know this might seem a little bit straightforward and uninteresting, but I was wondering if maybe you wanted to grab a drink before you leave? Maybe tonight? I'm so glad I'm here for this.
Sure.
That sounds great.
What? No.
No, no.
She didn't understand the question.
Oh.
Oh, oh.
I'm sorry.
That must have been painful for you to see.
But deep down, you must have always known that you were never, ever gonna get this.
[Cell phone rings.]
Hello.
Oh, hi.
It's Linda Clay.
Really? I thought it went well too.
That's great.
I can't wait to get started.
I will be there.
[Silently.]
I got the job.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, actually she's right here.
Hold on a second.
She wants to talk to you.
Hey, chef Linda.
What's up? Okay.
Bye.
[Exclaims.]
- What did she want? - Oh, nothing.
She's just having a dinner party tonight, and she's making her pumpkin ravioli, and she said that I should swing by.
I will be there.
Oh, my gosh.
I thought that you ruined this for me, but I actually think I got the job because of you.
Ohh! My gosh.
I'm so sorry to do this to you, Ben, but Bernie just called.
He's furious that I gave that book away.
I think I'm gonna need it back.
- What? - I know.
I said that you could have it, but things are bad enough between me and Bernie, and apparently it's worth a small fortune, so if it's not too much trouble.
No.
That's no trouble at all.
Great.
Thanks.
Sure.
That was the most expensive smoothie ever.
Well, they did use real strawberries, so I've never been to a fancy Manhattan society party before.
Kate, you're gonna be fine.
We're a-listers now.
We're gonna have so much fun and seem bored by it.
[Cell phone rings.]
Hello.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.
It's Linda.
Apparently I was supposed to pick up the pumpkins.
She uses fresh pump You know what, no wonder my ravioli never turns out right.
I'm so sorry.
Where do I get the pumpkins? You get pumpkins on a patch! - Where do you think? - Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
[Gasps.]
She just said Yeah, I heard.
- [Giggles.]
- Can I dunk a basketball? Yes.
Can I dunk two basketballs? You know it.
Can I 360-jam? I don't know.
Never tried, but I'd be very surprised if I couldn't.
You know, Bernie left me a week and a half ago, and that's the longest I've been alone since junior high when I had a zit on the tip of my nose.
Gah.
I'm glad I didn't know you then.
No, I just mean that guys are always more than willing to swoop in and take care of me, which is good, 'cause I guess I'm just one of those people who can't be alone.
Yeah.
Umm, you know, maybe you just don't know how to be alone.
Maybe just don't want to be alone.
- Well - How you doing? You hanging out with this guy? Want to come have a drink with me and my buddies? Umm, no, thank you.
I'm with him.
And there's no one I'd rather be with.
Okay, didn't ask for the life story, but thank you.
How you doing? You with this guy? Hi, Ben.
- Hi, Tiffany.
So, listen - Benjamin, I have to go to the bathroom.
Would you like to go to the bathroom with me? I don't think so.
Excuse us, Tiffany.
Ohh, boy.
What? Dude, I have a problem.
- You have a problem? - Yeah.
Okay, because I covered a first-edition jungle book with smoothie, Larry, and this is how much it costs to replace it.
Ay, chihuahua.
You could buy her a gently-used fiero for that.
[Laughs.]
So now I have to tell her that her book is ruined.
Why didn't I ask for a lid? I wish I could help you, but I have problems that transcend money right now, okay? I have Tiffany exactly where I want her, and I can't take the shot.
She's just She's too vulnerable, you know.
I feel something I feel something! But instead of feeling it where I'm supposed to, I feel it somewhere right here.
It's like It's like a chest boner.
Okay, if you're gonna call it that, do you mind not rubbing it while I'm standing here? Seriously, dude, she's basically giving me the go-ahead, all right? But what Tiffany doesn't need right now is another guy hitting on her at the bar.
I think what Tiffany needs right now is a Friend.
Oh, my God, I said it.
[Laughs.]
- Come here.
- What? I'm proud of you.
Ben, I'm scared.
So here's your book.
Umm, you're still holding onto it.
What's it Oh, look at that.
I am.
Weird.
Oh, my God.
What happened? I'm sorry, Tiffany.
It was an accident.
What am I gonna tell Bernie? He's gonna be so mad.
I used to break him bad news after sex, but that doesn't seem appropriate anymore.
You are not gonna tell him anything.
Here, give me.
Give me.
Give me.
Give me.
I will talk to him myself.
I did it.
I should talk to him.
Like a man.
Unless you think he'd prefer a text or an email.
Does he tweet? You know what, you're right.
You're right.
In person is better.
Ah, we should We should probably get you home.
- Really? - Yeah.
We were having so much fun.
I thought we could walk across the Park or take a romantic carriage ride.
Another time.
[Clears throat.]
Another time, Tiffany.
- Okay.
- [Sighs.]
Oh, stupid chest boner.
Gah! Ugh.
[Sighs.]
I had so much fun last night.
I told Jerry Seinfeld my joke about how you never see a cowboy eating ranch dressing, and he smiled and walked away.
That's nice.
I was told not to look guests in the eye.
Wait, what? Chef Linda told you that? Oh, you mean miss Clay? That's what she told me to call her because, as she reminded me, if I was there to have fun, I wouldn't be wearing a name tag.
I don't get it.
Tracy Morgan was wearing a name tag.
Yeah, but I think he has to because he forgets who he is.
This wasn't supposed to be that kind of job.
You were supposed to be her confidant and her personal shopper and her sous chef.
I knew it was a job, and I knew I'd have to do stupid things like separate toothpicks by the color of the cellophane twirly thing on top, but I just didn't know she'd be so mean about it.
I am so shocked.
She seemed so sweet.
You know what, let me talk to her.
We're friends now.
Last night we sang a duet of ebony and ivory.
- Which one were you? - Ebony.
Are you sure you want to talk to Bernie about this? I mean, he can be pretty scary.
No.
I've got it all worked out.
I am just gonna tell him, if he's so worried about his first-edition books, maybe he shouldn't have abandoned them and the woman he was supposed to love.
Wow.
Yeah.
In law school, they taught us, if you have no defense, go on the offense.
That's a good lesson.
At lamaze class, they taught us to imagine your vagina as a large hoop.
Okay, umm, and just in case things go horribly wrong with Bernie, I wanted to give you this now.
Think of it as a little memento of your time here in New York.
Breakfast at Tiffany's? My name is Tiffany.
Yes, yes, it is.
This is so sweet of you.
What's it about? It's about this woman who realizes she's a lot smarter and stronger than she thinks she is.
Wow.
Thanks, Ben.
[Door bell rings.]
Ooh, that's Bernie.
Okay, don't worry.
I will take care of this.
Wait.
There are moments in life when you realize it's time to stand on your own.
Let me do this.
Someday I'm gonna have to start taking care of myself.
Might as well be now.
But sometimes it's easier to stand on your own when you know your friends have your back.
Well, don't worry.
If you need anything, I will be right here.
I think I got this.
I'm gonna be like Tiffany.
- Actually, her name is holly.
- Why do they call it Tiffany's? - After the jewelry store.
- They serve breakfast? You sure you want to talk to Bernie? I'm positive.
Kate.
- Connie.
- Hi.
What a pleasant surprise.
I hope you don't mind, Linda.
I invited Connie to join.
Mind? Of course not.
I just have to show you a couple pictures from last night.
Here's one of you with Mr.
Mario Batali.
Look at him.
He's high-fiving me in this picture, con.
Look.
There I am in the background cleaning the red wine off the wall that you splattered when you went, "oh, my God, it's Mario Batali!" Yes, right.
I forgot about that.
Umm Linda, Connie has something Wait.
Do you guys think we should eat here, or do you want to go back to my place, and I can make us all my special breakfast pot pie? Oh, my God, you mean the recipe that's in Cooking earlier in the day with Linda Clay.
Yes.
Wow.
But first there's something that Connie would like to share with you.
Oh, no.
No, you don't have to.
You do not have to apologize.
That was your first day.
You will get better.
Linda, umm, I-I'm an adult.
And as an adult, I have certain boundaries.
And last night, you crossed six of them.
Seven if you include de-pimento-ing Regis Philbin's Martini olives.
That's not on me.
Regis wasn't even invited.
If I'm gonna be your assistant, we're gonna have to establish a certain baseline of respect.
I am so glad that we're talking about this.
Because, believe me, if I had known that you were this thin-skinned, I never would have hired you in the first place.
You're fired.
What? Now, Kate, are you ready to cook all day with Linda Clay? You know what, Linda, you're gonna regret this.
Because if Connie's gone, I'm gone too.
Come on, honey.
- Uh.
- Whoa.
Connie, wait.
I'm gonna need back your name tag.
I still can't believe it, Ben.
Tiffany was like a little bird whose wings I mended, and I let her fly away forever without even trying to have sex with her.
Well, see, there's your problem, Larry.
You should always have sex with the bird before you mend its wings.
Well, I am officially unemployed.
It's for the best, I told you that you were too old to be an assistant.
You never said too old.
And I wouldn't.
Why would I say that? Guess it looks like hooters, huh? I'm gonna get so fat on those buffalo wings.
[Laughs.]
I don't know.
Maybe this is a sign.
I've been thinking, why don't you pursue your writing for a while? And I'll cover the rent.
And then when you sell your book, you can return the favor.
That's an unbelievably sweet offer, Kate.
It almost makes up for the fact that I had to make a late-night run to the store for bendy straws.
I had no idea she was gonna send you out to get those.
But they were a hit.
[Laughs.]
The truth is, I didn't want to be at that dumb party anyways.
Okay, that's a lie.
I loved being at that party.
[Laughs.]
But, you know what, I love handing out with our friends too.
I mean, they're just as cultured and classy as anyone.
What's up, bitches? When I close my eyes, it's like I'm hearing sir Alec Guinness.
Hmm.
- Hi, gang.
- Hey.
Whoops.
Hey, tiff.
Tiffany, you look so much better.
Ben, you must have really laid down the law with Bernie.
Actually, Tiffany handled it, and she did a great job.
But if she hadn't, I was ready to bring the pain.
Yeah, I gave him the book, and I told him, "you better not dare say a word," because I moved here for him, I was the perfect wife at every social function, I gave birth to twins and ruined my body for him.
Yes, I used to look even better than this.
Damn it.
And I told him if he wanted to get into it, then I know a couple of lawyers who would be glad to represent me.
I hope I didn't overstep my bounds.
Well, it's not gonna be easy if you're in Florida.
Oh, yeah, I'm not going to Florida.
I like it here.
And I have you guys, so I'm staying.
- Really? - Yes! - Ohh! - Yes.
And, Connie, if you haven't found anything yet, I would love to have you come back.
- I'll take it.
- Oh, thank God.
Oh, come on.
There's no way I could cover the rent.
I do not have that kind of do-re-mi.
The one good thing about finding yourself alone in the world is realizing you're never as alone as you thought.
You can get through anything if you have friends.
But just as a backup, I always order a great big plate of chili nachos.