Magnum, P.I. (1980) s05e13 Episode Script
Professor Jonathan Higgins
You're Cousin Higgins.
Pull me a beer, love, let me sit on me tush before I bloody drop.
Oh, my God.
Higgins has really been looking forward to your visit.
He wants to work me over.
You think I should let him do it? But I can't tell you all he's done for me I, I, I, I, I I, I, I, I, I, I, I Stop! You and I have a communication problem.
I am simply trying to help Sally have what she desires, Mr.
Timothy Finch.
If you talk to Mrs.
Finch in your own words I'm sick of the whole confused, posh, snooty, bloody lot of you.
We've been working on the bake sale All the live long day Boom, boom, boom We've been working on the bake sale Just to take the dough away For the I.
B.
A Well, I still can't believe it! From date-nut puffs to our hospital fund goal in just 90 days! Thanks to our treasurer's shrewd investment of our bake sale profit.
No, no, Sydney, I was just lucky to find the highest yield.
And I insist that you, as president, present our check to the hospital.
No, indeed! This is your day.
I'm only here to take the pictures.
Oh, my goodness.
Would you look at the crowd! All our membership said they'd be here You get out ahead, Agatha.
We don't want to steal your thunder.
Miss Chumley? You represent this Island Benevolence Association? Well, I'm the treasurer.
We're here to collect our investment to present it to the hospital.
Yes, I know.
Miss Chumley, I'm Frank Ohmar, SeaShare Condominiums.
We rented the Eden Valley Investments' office last Friday.
They're no longer here.
They went bankrupt.
Bankrupt? But where did they go? They have our $10,000! If you save it for special occasions, getting up early is fun.
It's a once-a-month ritual I watch a perfect paradise sunrise, count the rainbows and beat Higgins to the mailbox.
I love getting mail, any kind.
The very fact that somebody, somewhere, licked a stamp just for me is reassuring.
Unfortunately, most of those stamps are licked by a nasty guy who signs his name, "Past Due.
" But that's the great thing about mail.
Just when you least expect it, your own special delivery stamp of approval! I won! Higgins! Higgins! I did it! I did it! Yes, Magnum, you collected the mail all by yourself.
We're very proud of him, aren't we, lads? No! That's mine! Higgins, I got fourth place.
The fourth best Mrs.
Perroni's Frozen Pizza slogan in the entire nation! I'm numb with awe.
I get a weekend for two at Disney World! You'll be leaving right away, I trust.
Procrastination is unthinkable when one has the opportunity of personally meeting David Duck.
Donald Duck.
And this certificate is good for one year.
Will you quit trying to get me off the estate? Higgins, I already promised I would not bug your Aunt Sally.
All right? Cousin Sally, five times removed.
A remote family tie, but one I take great pride in claiming.
Although I've never met her, I'm sure that Sally Ponting is a very refined and well-bred young woman.
And while you do have certain redeeming traits, I'm afraid that your plebeian tastes and abrasive bombasity might offend her.
It's not fair! I'm sorry, but it's the way I feel.
They're not gonna provide transportation! I have to pay my own way to Florida.
Some prize! Sally will be staying here until the wedding.
You will please refrain from visiting the main house for the duration.
Yes, yes, yes! I heard you! I won't go near the main house.
I won't be abrasive to your Cousin Sally, and I will never ever again eat Mrs.
Perroni's Frozen Pizza! Agatha, what on earth is the matter? Oh, Jonathan, I've been to fool's paradise! And I need a cup of tea I'm solely responsible for the loss.
I just wanted the highest interest possible on the I.
B.
A.
's profits.
Have you considered replacing the money? Jonathan, $10,000 with interest? Besides, replacing it isn't going to reinstate me as a trustworthy treasurer.
No, either the missing funds are located quickly, or I resign my post.
Agatha, there is the possibility that the condominium salesman was mistaken about the Eden Valley bankruptcy.
I do have some hope of that.
Yes.
After you've slept we'll have another chat with him, verify his sources and proceed from there.
No! Jonathan, you've so much on your plate at this moment.
Your cousin's arrival, the wedding, her party I'll manage.
You've come for my help, and you shall have it.
Okay, Agatha! I'm ready Oh! What was the address of that mobile home? You hired Magnum while I was steeping the tea? Jonathan, please don't be upset.
And I'm just to stand by and watch you make another questionable investment? Oh, dear.
We didn't discuss that part.
What's your usual fee, Mr.
Magnum? A round-trip ticket to Florida.
It's not only a chance at a dream vacation, you actually become one of the owners of a luxury condo.
Go on, pick a gift just for coming by.
Really? Tell me, how much would you normally spend, say, on a two-week vacation? Oh, about $1,000.
Does this popcorn popper really work on batteries? Yeah, isn't that something? You know, you give me half of that thousand as a down, you've got your own vacation resort, one week a year for life.
Well, fine.
I'll take 20 of them.
If you can tell me where to find what's left of Eden Valley Investments.
They got my last $10,000.
How many investors could one fly-by-night operation have? Look, we never heard of that outfit before we rented this place, okay? Who do you rent from? I'm sure they could tell for sure if Eden Valley went bankrupt.
Good question.
We're on our third landlord this month.
Magnum, what's that terrible noise? Is something wrong with the Ferrari? No! I need to speak to Agatha.
We're late leaving for the airport to collect Sally.
Is it urgent? Well, just tell her the whole thing smells of a con.
Eden Valley Investments was owned by a company called Future Times, Inc.
Which also happened to go bankrupt.
And Future Times was a subsidiary of another company which happened to go bank Just a minute, Higgins.
Boy, that sucker really works! Now, stop! Stop? Stop what? No.
It's not you, Higgins.
I just overfilled it.
Anyway, I'm up to this company called Tee-Mar.
No bankruptcies yet, but Come on, cut it out now! No suspicious activities at all.
No address, no phone numbers, no No off-switch! How do you shut it off? By saying goodbye.
No! Wait! Higgins! That man is slowly driving me out of my mind.
What did he have to say? Nothing.
He kept muttering some incoherent gibberish about having some gadget that exposes bankrupt companies, and apparently he'd over programmed it.
Where are my keys? This is absurd! I never misplace my keys.
I'm never late, and now on this, of all occasions, I Jonathan.
And actually, we've plenty of time before the plane arrives.
Jonathan, you really must relax.
Yes, forgive me, I Agatha, Sally Ponting's stay here means a great deal to me.
Although I've not met this young lady, I greatly admired the Ponting family, as a boy.
Their elegance, their social poise, gentility They were an inspiration to me.
And now that a Ponting is coming to visit, it's imperative that everything be perfect.
Do you understand? Yes? Hey, brah! Got a fare out here for this address.
Miss Ponting.
We're off to a flying start, aren't we? Now, Jonathan, her plane was probably early.
Planes are never early.
Here.
You're Cousin Higgins.
I took me a cheaper flight.
Oh, pull me a beer, love, let me sit on me tush before I bloody drop.
Oh, my God.
I think you've got me mixed up with them posh Pontings in Kent, Higgins.
Yes, well I was not aware that there were two separate and distinct Ponting branches.
Yeah! Separate is right! We've got nothing to do with them stuck-up cousins.
That snooty Rory Ponting insulted me dad once.
He says, "Wally, why don't you come down here to Kent, and be my gardener?" Well, you know what me dad did? He picks up this funny-Iooking Chinese pitcher of Rory's Oh, rather like this one.
And he aims it right at Rory's Please! Don't throw that.
It's priceless.
That's what Rory said! How did you know? Sally, wouldn't you like to sit and have some tea? Don't bother, Higgins, I'll make meself useful.
Milk and sugar? Is that a popular hairstyle? You like it? I'm not sure.
I think I like lavender better, but, yeah, orange and black is definitely in.
Sally, I'm intrigued to know the details of your meeting and courtship with Mr.
Timothy Finch.
Timmy? Isn't he a love? He was a regular in a pub where I pull.
I beg your pardon.
Where you what? Pull, Higgins.
You know, pull the drafts? Work.
The Golden Guinea.
He'd been, like, flirting with me for months.
And one night he drank his weight in bitters, and he flat out asked me if I was free after closing time.
Well, him and me really hit it off.
So, I took him home to breakfast, and he asked for me hand in marriage right there at the table over me mum's kippers.
I presume you know your fiancé has been called back to his London office.
Well, of course I know.
Timmy calls me every day.
You know, with his money, he could have picked some posh bird.
But he wanted a nice, simple, down-to-earth lass like meself.
Yes.
But, I'm afraid, Sally, that to Mr.
Finch's family, to his friends, his mother, you may come as something of a surprise.
He didn't discuss this with you? Discuss what with me? Sally, the Finches are Well, they follow the more established codes, as regards social behavior and appearance.
Yes.
Your attire, while it may be all the rage with your peer group, would be most offensive to Mrs.
Finch.
Well, I guess she'll have to get used to me, 'cause I just told you, Timmy likes me like I am.
And we've just told you that his social group will not accept you as you are.
Is that what you want? To have the marriage canceled and to find yourself returning to London in disgrace? And what would I have to do to make them like me? A bleeding posh put-on, I suppose.
Well, I won't do it! We're merely suggesting a few minor modifications in your presentation.
Sally, whether you like it or not, you're marrying into high society, and you must abide by their rules.
Timmy should've told me what I was getting into.
I don't want his friends laughing at him or me.
They will, Sally.
I'm sorry, but they simply won't understand.
You know what to do then, Higgins? To fix me? With Agatha's assistance in your tutoring, and no distractions here to dissipate our efforts, yes, I feel confident that we can Higgins.
Mr.
Magnum! Hi, guys.
Popcorn? I don't mind if I do.
Here now, you're a bit of all right, ain't you? Sally? What? I mean I think you're charming.
I think Sally.
I thought we had an understanding.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was I being abrasive to Cousin Sally? I was speaking of your vow to refrain from visiting the main house.
Oh, fine.
I just have to talk to Agatha for a minute.
It's about an extra plane ticket.
See, Rick's doing some work for me Here, you a mate of Higgins? In a manner of speaking.
Thomas Magnum.
Oh, charmed.
Higgins has really been looking forward to your visit.
Yeah, to have a bleeding pet project.
He wants to work me over so I'm presentable to Timmy's posh bunch.
You think I should let him do it? I shouldn't get involved.
But I can't tell you all he's done for me.
Well, there's a slight improvement, but it's hardly sufficient.
What on earth can be done about her hair? I suppose you think I can wash me fashion color out.
Well, I can't, so there! Sally, you're forgetting our extensive discussion about your "I's.
" No, I'm not.
I took all me shadow off, and I feel naked! I'm talking about the sound, "I," remember? Take your "ah," add "E," and make them one.
Ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, I, I, I, I, I.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, Ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, I, I, I, I, I I, I, I, I, I, I, I Stop! You and I have a communication problem.
You know that? You and I have a communication problem.
Yes, Jonathan, she already made that point.
But she made it properly.
Sally, say it again.
"You and I have" Have what? "A communication problem.
" I know that.
Who's arguing? No, just say it.
I know that.
Who's arguing? You did it again! You told me to! "You and I have.
" "You and I have.
" You used a proper "I," you used an "H.
" Here, do it with me.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You have I have.
You I can't do it! I can't! I can't keep me "H" up.
I can't be bloody Rory Ponting, not even put-on, like.
When Timmy calls, I'm telling him the wedding's off, and then I'm going home tonight! I'm sorry.
I got carried away with your progress.
And there has been progress, Sally.
We should keep on working.
You needn't lose Mr.
Finch.
The party isn't until tomorrow afternoon.
We can stay up all night and work.
Unless, of course, you'd rather go home and retreat to the polite society of the Golden Guinea.
Hey, I just want proof that I'm going! Okay, fine.
You call Agatha and ask her yourself.
She's covering your ticket to Florida if we break the case.
If we break the Thomas, you told me that all I had to do to get to Disney World was find this place! Any idea why Tee-Mar doesn't seem to wanna be found? All I know is that those people buy hot typewriters.
And all the hot typewriter lady knows is that nobody is around here to pay the bill.
"Mrs.
Perroni's for a thick slice of life?" You won fourth place for that? Can you believe they found three better slogans? Okay.
You stay here and yell if you see anybody coming.
You shouldn't have snooped around so much.
Ten grand's not worth it.
Lesson one in planning a good get-up-early day.
You're going to be very sleepy by noon, so limit exciting surprises to two.
Today, of course, had had far too many.
My good surprise, Agatha's bad surprise, Higgins' prize cousin with the surprisingly orange hair.
And my not-so-surprising hunch that the missing 10,000 was a tiny part of a gigantic swindle.
Take a few hundred small investments, float them in a sea of endless corporations, and somebody finally ends up with several nicely washed millions.
Friendly Frank Ohmar had just become somebody.
I had a few questions for him about the "F.
O.
" Initials on that note, about the proper use of my corn-popper, and about why I was set up with a surprise visitor at Tee-Mar.
Surprise! What do you think of our young lady now, Jonathan? Yes, well, you've certainly worked wonders since yesterday, but her hair still isn't right.
Here! We've rubbed our hands raw getting me fashion out.
What in bloody hell you want? That is to say, it was a painful and tedious process removing my orange aura.
We had so hoped that you'd be pleased.
As a last resort, Mr.
Rickie is upstairs with a most attractive brown wig.
Well, let's try that.
And, Jonathan, Sally really must get dressed.
Yes, Agatha, I know.
We'll only be a moment.
Now then, Sally, one more time, please.
I'm very pleased to meet you, Mrs.
Finch.
Timmy Timothy has Has told me so much about you.
MRS.
FINCH: Yes, well, I'm finally glad to meet you, Miss Ponting.
Timothy has told me nothing of my future daughter-in-law.
Where do you reside in England, dear? Kent.
My father, Rory, has a country estate with priceless Chinese vases.
Really? I was born and reared in Kent.
Fifteen years in the Islands may have dulled my ear to regional dialects, but I have never heard any accent quite like yours.
Now, now, Sally, you should never be embarrassed by the Boxley Brogue.
The Boxley Boxley Girls' Finishing School.
The elocution teacher there is renowned but unorthodox.
Were any of the Royal Family attending Boxley while you were there, Sally? No, I just missed them.
Dear old Boxley.
Surely you remember it, Mrs.
Finch.
Oh Why, yes.
Yes, of course.
Another champagne, Miss Ponting? Thank you.
Well, I'm sure you ladies would like to discuss wedding plans.
I'll see to the other guests Can you imagine the confusion? My father and the lead hound on the hunt both being named Rory? Isn't Sally charming, Mrs.
Finch? Oh, my, yes.
But then I've never met a Boxley Girl who wasn't.
Oh, you're a lovely young lady, Sally.
I believe we're going to be very close friends.
One more, Miss Ponting? Thank you.
My, what beautiful hair you have.
Thank you.
But it isn't mine.
Mine's the sweaty mess underneath My poor mother had to wear a wig for months once while her hair grew out.
You see, in her younger days, the beehive hairdo was all the rage.
Well, mum's cost her a week's pay, so she didn't wanna give it up.
Babied it forever.
Well, would you believe that real bees took up a nest in it before mum knew it? They had to shave her bald to get them out.
Warm wine's all right but not on a hot day.
I know, Mrs.
Finch.
What we need is a cooling Midnight Blitz! Jonathan! Jonathan! It was an unusually cool day for southern India, and our battalion had just encountered Jonathan! May I speak with you, please? Yes, Agatha, in a moment.
Our battalion Jonathan, now! Get your lungs ready.
One, two, three, four.
Anytime you're Lambeth way Any evening, any day You'll find yourself Doing the Lambeth walk.
Oye! Everything's free and easy Do as you darn well pleasey Why don't you make your way there? Go there, stay there Anytime you're Lambeth way Any evening, any day You'll find yourself Doing the Lambeth walk.
Oye! All right, then! Midnight Blitzes over here.
And you teetotalers can tote your tea over here.
Here, Higgins, we did all that work for nothing.
These people like me just the way I am.
I have a call in to Timothy, in London.
I'm officially canceling the wedding.
Without Timothy and Sally having any say in the matter? My son can be very impulsive, particularly when he's drinking.
I'm sure when he hears of this afternoon's fiasco, he'll agree with my decision.
Good night.
Mrs.
Finch, what you saw before Sally's unfortunate relapse was the result of only two days' work.
With her desire and quickness, these last three days could bring miracles.
This is not the Olympics, Mr.
Higgins.
It's my son's marriage.
Precisely.
A marriage both he and Sally want.
It does seem worth an effort before facing the embarrassment of canceling the wedding or an elopement.
Very well, I shall meet with Miss Ponting a day before the wedding.
At that time, for all appearances, I expect to meet a true Boxley girl! I must confess to eavesdropping, Jonathan.
One more disgrace at this point seems minimal.
I thought you'd gone home.
I've been up with Sally.
She's very upset.
Yes, well, of course it's impossible to get her ready in two days' time, but I must try, even in the light of today's poor judgment.
I feel just as hopeless about Mr.
Magnum finding the money.
But we can't give up.
No.
Not if we're ever to look Island society or family members in the face again.
Tomorrow morning, then? Mrs.
Finch, I can only beg your forgiveness for my outrageous conduct of last Saturday.
And as your son is quite dear to me, I humbly request that the wedding be allowed to take place on schedule.
Bloody hell! It's you.
That is not Sally talking, it's Jonathan Higgins or Henry Higgins.
I beg your pardon.
You're doing to Sally exactly what Rex Harrison did to Audrey Hepburn.
My Fair Lady.
You're using her as a guinea pig for your own self-indulgent experiment.
If there were a comparison to be made, it would be what Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree did to Mrs.
Patrick Campbell in a G.
B.
Shaw classic entitled, Pygmalion.
But there is none.
I am simply trying to help Sally have what she desires, Mr.
Timothy Finch.
Are you? Magnum, why are you here? I have to talk to Agatha.
Look, Sally, you just relax and be yourself, okay? If you talk to Mrs.
Finch in your own words Why don't I tell the old bag that I'm sick of the whole confused, posh, snooty, bloody lot of you.
I'll ask you for the last time to stop interfering.
Yes, Mr.
Magnum, really.
Wouldn't your time be better spent looking for the I.
B.
A.
's money? I have been looking.
I just got the run-around from my third quiet, little investment firm.
You interrupted my progress with Sally to reiterate this corporate scheme nonsense? Yes.
I mean, come on, it wasn't nonsense to the guy who tried to have me killed.
I just know if I can get one more look at the Tee-Mar files, I can prove that half the small investors on this Island are getting burned, and I need help to do it.
Now, Agatha, how far do you want me to go to find this money? Oh, dear.
Do I have to go to Florida again? A ticket for T.
C.
Higgins, I know that there's something in these files that'll show that this last name on the memo, this Western Shelter outfit, is the big umbrella company.
Now, I'd check it out myself, but the address is in San Diego.
- San Diego.
Really, Magnum.
Western Shelter Corporation is a very respectable firm.
Mr.
Masters has several investments with them.
Small investments? The kind that Robin wouldn't worry about too much if it got lost in a bankruptcy? Mr.
Masters will pay for one ticket to Florida.
Now all of you can meet David Duck.
Coach excursion rate.
T.
C: That wasn't the deal.
Come on, at least you're on the plane.
What happened to first-class airfare? What happened to my expenses? And my hotel room? I couldn't push it, T.
C.
Besides, I'm not asking you to do much for the ticket.
Trivia question.
What is the penalty for impersonating a government official? The prison terms vary.
Look, T.
C.
, there's hardly anyone in there but one little secretary.
We'll be in and out in five minutes, and we'll be in Disney World for five days, hmm? Internal Revenue Service? Right.
Just a couple of questions.
There seems to be some confusion about your employer's ID request form.
Speaking of ID, do you have any? I guess you haven't dealt with people from my office before.
We don't carry ID.
We dealt with the I.
R.
S.
Just the other day.
That guy made an appointment.
He had ID.
Okay, this is so embarrassing.
T.
C: My kid She tore up my ID card just this very morning.
But you can call and check me out.
I'm I.
R.
S.
Yes, we will.
We're only in today because we were expecting a guy in a red Ferrari to pay us a visit.
Red Ferrari? Yeah.
You know him? No.
I mean, I don't know anyone that classy.
Look, it's obvious that I've caught you at a bad time, so I'll be leaving.
Hold it right there! Thomas? Tom? Let's go! See? What'd I tell you, T.
C? In and out in five.
It is all here! Computer printouts for all the companies Magnum.
for Eden Valley investments to Western Shelter, and 818 at the top! Thomas! At first I thought it was a typo, but it's not! It's the name of a company.
The company! Will you forget about that, and let's get the hell out of here? What's your hurry? Sally, we're going to be late.
You look stunning.
Congratulations.
I was just about to say the same.
Yes.
Let's hope Timothy is as pleased with your transformation as his mother was.
He called last night after he arrived.
I'm afraid he still feels the whole thing was a bit unnecessary, but he's glad that she's pleased.
I'm sure he'll be quite proud when he sees his Boxley girl.
Pity that I can never be quite as posh as those Boxley ladies Mrs.
Finch knew in England.
Sally, there is no Boxley Finishing School.
Oh, thank you, Higgins.
Shall we go? Higgins, are you proud of me? Honestly? Very proud, indeed, Cousin Sally.
You're a tribute to the Ponting name.
Where is the groom? I don't know.
I'll have a look outside.
Where's the groom? Oh, the groom isn't here? I don't understand The best man left Timothy talking on the telephone in the vestry.
He apparently received this urgent phone call just before the service, and when the best man asked if the processional should start, he said yes, that he'd only be a moment.
That's the last anyone saw of him.
Mr.
Finch has to be in some kind of terrible trouble.
There's no other explanation.
No.
Magnum, if you would consider for Sally's sake investigating Timothy's disappearance, I would be most grateful.
Well, I Well, I didn't even get a chance to tell you, I think I finally have something on Agatha's case.
Please, Mr.
Magnum.
We can't allow that to be of first priority now.
Do you have Finch's address? the ground floor apartment.
Well, yeah.
I'll go take a look.
Thank you, Magnum.
Right.
Jonathan, I'll gladly stay.
I mean, Sally might need me when she wakes.
Sally's all right.
It isn't fair.
You've worked so hard.
You're a good, kind sort, you know that? I appreciate everything you've done.
I'm leaving in the morning, Higgins, 10:00 plane.
Sally, I really don't think that's wise at this point.
There may be some very simple and logical explanation for Timothy's behavior.
Has anyone considered the possibility that Timmy simply and logically changed his mind about me? If that had been the case, he would have told you.
Gentlemen don't leave ladies standing at the altar.
I told you, this gentleman had all the posh ones he wanted.
So what do we do? Fix him up with another posh bird.
Rory Ponting in a dress.
You're right.
I should never have asked you to become, in a matter of days, something you've spent years loathing.
You didn't ask, Higgins.
That's the point.
Thomas was right.
I saw that Fair Lady flick.
We just both tried to make me over for all the wrong reasons.
But we accomplished a great deal.
What does it matter It matters, 'cause I don't loathe it.
Yeah, I like what I've learned.
But now I've got no choice but to go back to the Golden Guinea and not be as satisfied pulling the drafts.
See, that Sally was happy with her orange hair and her fashion 'cause that's who she was, or said she was.
Now, how am I supposed to say who I am with half of both worlds to pick from? I'm sorry if I confused you.
I truly felt that I was helping you to reach your goal of marrying Mr.
Finch.
I didn't do it for that, Higgins.
It's not Timmy I'm missing.
It's me.
Oh, I loved him, but then I realized it was just his posh I wanted.
Look, you've helped me a lot, all right? We just both forgot to ask, that's all.
You never asked if it was all right to fix me, and I never asked meself if it was really what I wanted.
I understand.
But, Sally, please, you can't return to that life in London.
If you stay here, we can continue No.
No.
You don't understand.
There is nothing to continue.
Sally Robin Masters' estate.
I beg your pardon? It's Timothy.
I once read about two long lost sisters who had spent 20 years looking for each other.
They both happened to be in Tulsa, Oklahoma, on the same weekend and collided into each other at an intersection.
I had just such a collision at 818 Honawi.
The improbable had become a real problem, and I had to deal with it.
I finally had the proof to break the investment swindle.
But I had to figure that Sally had a breaking point as well.
Maybe even Higgins.
And it was going to be hard to hit them with this last big surprise.
The two sisters recovered and lived happily ever after in Tulsa, but I couldn't think of a way for this one to have a happy ending.
Higgins.
Magnum? What are you all doing here? What are we doing here, Higgins? Mr.
Finch called.
He really does care for Sally.
I drove her here so that he could explain about the wedding.
Did he also explain that Frank here made the phone call to the church and told him to go into hiding in a hurry? How did you find us? Well, I finally remembered you can't move these things with a pickup truck.
Frank.
I don't understand.
You introduced yourself as Leonard.
Higgins, please, this is Frank Ohmar.
He and Finch are the big guys in this insurance scam, the 818 Company.
A very quiet international giant run from Finch's apartment.
I found all the proof in his files.
- That's impossible.
Timothy Finch is one of the wealthiest men in the island.
And it takes a lot of ingenuity to become that rich, Mr.
Higgins.
Please, all of you, move away from the door.
I've explained everything to Sally, and she's leaving with me.
Sally, why? Like I told you, Higgins, I loves Timmy, and I didn't go through all your messing around just to lose him now.
Sorry to leave you with this problem, Frank, but I'm sure that you can handle it.
Let's have it.
He really could be a love when he was drinking.
A glass of sherry, please.
That posh stuff will kill you, Higgins.
Better have a draft.
I'm very glad you decided to stay.
Yeah, well, like I said, I need a bit of both worlds right now.
Working here keeps me Golden Guinea half satisfied while the rest of me finds out who I am.
I don't know much for sure yet, but it's a fact I'll never be quite what I was.
Likewise.
Hey, Sally, congratulations on your new job.
Hey! Oh, hello, boys.
We all came by just to kick off the new day.
Well, have a drink on me.
I'll have a coffee, here.
I'll have a brandy.
A beer.
All right.
We are also here to celebrate the fact that Mrs.
Perroni's Florida Tour leaves in exactly one month from today.
Higgie baby, you and Agatha can order the plane tickets.
Oh, that reminds me.
This came in the morning mail for you, Magnum.
Hold your breath, T.
C.
With that slogan of his, it could be one big mistake.
For your information, I have been upgraded a spot.
They found out the third place slogan was a direct quote from Dickens.
All right! Wait a minute.
Is the prize better? A vacation for four! All expenses paid including airfare! Four to Disney World! No.
Waikiki.
Waikiki? Waikiki? Here now, that's right close down the road here, isn't it, love?
Pull me a beer, love, let me sit on me tush before I bloody drop.
Oh, my God.
Higgins has really been looking forward to your visit.
He wants to work me over.
You think I should let him do it? But I can't tell you all he's done for me I, I, I, I, I I, I, I, I, I, I, I Stop! You and I have a communication problem.
I am simply trying to help Sally have what she desires, Mr.
Timothy Finch.
If you talk to Mrs.
Finch in your own words I'm sick of the whole confused, posh, snooty, bloody lot of you.
We've been working on the bake sale All the live long day Boom, boom, boom We've been working on the bake sale Just to take the dough away For the I.
B.
A Well, I still can't believe it! From date-nut puffs to our hospital fund goal in just 90 days! Thanks to our treasurer's shrewd investment of our bake sale profit.
No, no, Sydney, I was just lucky to find the highest yield.
And I insist that you, as president, present our check to the hospital.
No, indeed! This is your day.
I'm only here to take the pictures.
Oh, my goodness.
Would you look at the crowd! All our membership said they'd be here You get out ahead, Agatha.
We don't want to steal your thunder.
Miss Chumley? You represent this Island Benevolence Association? Well, I'm the treasurer.
We're here to collect our investment to present it to the hospital.
Yes, I know.
Miss Chumley, I'm Frank Ohmar, SeaShare Condominiums.
We rented the Eden Valley Investments' office last Friday.
They're no longer here.
They went bankrupt.
Bankrupt? But where did they go? They have our $10,000! If you save it for special occasions, getting up early is fun.
It's a once-a-month ritual I watch a perfect paradise sunrise, count the rainbows and beat Higgins to the mailbox.
I love getting mail, any kind.
The very fact that somebody, somewhere, licked a stamp just for me is reassuring.
Unfortunately, most of those stamps are licked by a nasty guy who signs his name, "Past Due.
" But that's the great thing about mail.
Just when you least expect it, your own special delivery stamp of approval! I won! Higgins! Higgins! I did it! I did it! Yes, Magnum, you collected the mail all by yourself.
We're very proud of him, aren't we, lads? No! That's mine! Higgins, I got fourth place.
The fourth best Mrs.
Perroni's Frozen Pizza slogan in the entire nation! I'm numb with awe.
I get a weekend for two at Disney World! You'll be leaving right away, I trust.
Procrastination is unthinkable when one has the opportunity of personally meeting David Duck.
Donald Duck.
And this certificate is good for one year.
Will you quit trying to get me off the estate? Higgins, I already promised I would not bug your Aunt Sally.
All right? Cousin Sally, five times removed.
A remote family tie, but one I take great pride in claiming.
Although I've never met her, I'm sure that Sally Ponting is a very refined and well-bred young woman.
And while you do have certain redeeming traits, I'm afraid that your plebeian tastes and abrasive bombasity might offend her.
It's not fair! I'm sorry, but it's the way I feel.
They're not gonna provide transportation! I have to pay my own way to Florida.
Some prize! Sally will be staying here until the wedding.
You will please refrain from visiting the main house for the duration.
Yes, yes, yes! I heard you! I won't go near the main house.
I won't be abrasive to your Cousin Sally, and I will never ever again eat Mrs.
Perroni's Frozen Pizza! Agatha, what on earth is the matter? Oh, Jonathan, I've been to fool's paradise! And I need a cup of tea I'm solely responsible for the loss.
I just wanted the highest interest possible on the I.
B.
A.
's profits.
Have you considered replacing the money? Jonathan, $10,000 with interest? Besides, replacing it isn't going to reinstate me as a trustworthy treasurer.
No, either the missing funds are located quickly, or I resign my post.
Agatha, there is the possibility that the condominium salesman was mistaken about the Eden Valley bankruptcy.
I do have some hope of that.
Yes.
After you've slept we'll have another chat with him, verify his sources and proceed from there.
No! Jonathan, you've so much on your plate at this moment.
Your cousin's arrival, the wedding, her party I'll manage.
You've come for my help, and you shall have it.
Okay, Agatha! I'm ready Oh! What was the address of that mobile home? You hired Magnum while I was steeping the tea? Jonathan, please don't be upset.
And I'm just to stand by and watch you make another questionable investment? Oh, dear.
We didn't discuss that part.
What's your usual fee, Mr.
Magnum? A round-trip ticket to Florida.
It's not only a chance at a dream vacation, you actually become one of the owners of a luxury condo.
Go on, pick a gift just for coming by.
Really? Tell me, how much would you normally spend, say, on a two-week vacation? Oh, about $1,000.
Does this popcorn popper really work on batteries? Yeah, isn't that something? You know, you give me half of that thousand as a down, you've got your own vacation resort, one week a year for life.
Well, fine.
I'll take 20 of them.
If you can tell me where to find what's left of Eden Valley Investments.
They got my last $10,000.
How many investors could one fly-by-night operation have? Look, we never heard of that outfit before we rented this place, okay? Who do you rent from? I'm sure they could tell for sure if Eden Valley went bankrupt.
Good question.
We're on our third landlord this month.
Magnum, what's that terrible noise? Is something wrong with the Ferrari? No! I need to speak to Agatha.
We're late leaving for the airport to collect Sally.
Is it urgent? Well, just tell her the whole thing smells of a con.
Eden Valley Investments was owned by a company called Future Times, Inc.
Which also happened to go bankrupt.
And Future Times was a subsidiary of another company which happened to go bank Just a minute, Higgins.
Boy, that sucker really works! Now, stop! Stop? Stop what? No.
It's not you, Higgins.
I just overfilled it.
Anyway, I'm up to this company called Tee-Mar.
No bankruptcies yet, but Come on, cut it out now! No suspicious activities at all.
No address, no phone numbers, no No off-switch! How do you shut it off? By saying goodbye.
No! Wait! Higgins! That man is slowly driving me out of my mind.
What did he have to say? Nothing.
He kept muttering some incoherent gibberish about having some gadget that exposes bankrupt companies, and apparently he'd over programmed it.
Where are my keys? This is absurd! I never misplace my keys.
I'm never late, and now on this, of all occasions, I Jonathan.
And actually, we've plenty of time before the plane arrives.
Jonathan, you really must relax.
Yes, forgive me, I Agatha, Sally Ponting's stay here means a great deal to me.
Although I've not met this young lady, I greatly admired the Ponting family, as a boy.
Their elegance, their social poise, gentility They were an inspiration to me.
And now that a Ponting is coming to visit, it's imperative that everything be perfect.
Do you understand? Yes? Hey, brah! Got a fare out here for this address.
Miss Ponting.
We're off to a flying start, aren't we? Now, Jonathan, her plane was probably early.
Planes are never early.
Here.
You're Cousin Higgins.
I took me a cheaper flight.
Oh, pull me a beer, love, let me sit on me tush before I bloody drop.
Oh, my God.
I think you've got me mixed up with them posh Pontings in Kent, Higgins.
Yes, well I was not aware that there were two separate and distinct Ponting branches.
Yeah! Separate is right! We've got nothing to do with them stuck-up cousins.
That snooty Rory Ponting insulted me dad once.
He says, "Wally, why don't you come down here to Kent, and be my gardener?" Well, you know what me dad did? He picks up this funny-Iooking Chinese pitcher of Rory's Oh, rather like this one.
And he aims it right at Rory's Please! Don't throw that.
It's priceless.
That's what Rory said! How did you know? Sally, wouldn't you like to sit and have some tea? Don't bother, Higgins, I'll make meself useful.
Milk and sugar? Is that a popular hairstyle? You like it? I'm not sure.
I think I like lavender better, but, yeah, orange and black is definitely in.
Sally, I'm intrigued to know the details of your meeting and courtship with Mr.
Timothy Finch.
Timmy? Isn't he a love? He was a regular in a pub where I pull.
I beg your pardon.
Where you what? Pull, Higgins.
You know, pull the drafts? Work.
The Golden Guinea.
He'd been, like, flirting with me for months.
And one night he drank his weight in bitters, and he flat out asked me if I was free after closing time.
Well, him and me really hit it off.
So, I took him home to breakfast, and he asked for me hand in marriage right there at the table over me mum's kippers.
I presume you know your fiancé has been called back to his London office.
Well, of course I know.
Timmy calls me every day.
You know, with his money, he could have picked some posh bird.
But he wanted a nice, simple, down-to-earth lass like meself.
Yes.
But, I'm afraid, Sally, that to Mr.
Finch's family, to his friends, his mother, you may come as something of a surprise.
He didn't discuss this with you? Discuss what with me? Sally, the Finches are Well, they follow the more established codes, as regards social behavior and appearance.
Yes.
Your attire, while it may be all the rage with your peer group, would be most offensive to Mrs.
Finch.
Well, I guess she'll have to get used to me, 'cause I just told you, Timmy likes me like I am.
And we've just told you that his social group will not accept you as you are.
Is that what you want? To have the marriage canceled and to find yourself returning to London in disgrace? And what would I have to do to make them like me? A bleeding posh put-on, I suppose.
Well, I won't do it! We're merely suggesting a few minor modifications in your presentation.
Sally, whether you like it or not, you're marrying into high society, and you must abide by their rules.
Timmy should've told me what I was getting into.
I don't want his friends laughing at him or me.
They will, Sally.
I'm sorry, but they simply won't understand.
You know what to do then, Higgins? To fix me? With Agatha's assistance in your tutoring, and no distractions here to dissipate our efforts, yes, I feel confident that we can Higgins.
Mr.
Magnum! Hi, guys.
Popcorn? I don't mind if I do.
Here now, you're a bit of all right, ain't you? Sally? What? I mean I think you're charming.
I think Sally.
I thought we had an understanding.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was I being abrasive to Cousin Sally? I was speaking of your vow to refrain from visiting the main house.
Oh, fine.
I just have to talk to Agatha for a minute.
It's about an extra plane ticket.
See, Rick's doing some work for me Here, you a mate of Higgins? In a manner of speaking.
Thomas Magnum.
Oh, charmed.
Higgins has really been looking forward to your visit.
Yeah, to have a bleeding pet project.
He wants to work me over so I'm presentable to Timmy's posh bunch.
You think I should let him do it? I shouldn't get involved.
But I can't tell you all he's done for me.
Well, there's a slight improvement, but it's hardly sufficient.
What on earth can be done about her hair? I suppose you think I can wash me fashion color out.
Well, I can't, so there! Sally, you're forgetting our extensive discussion about your "I's.
" No, I'm not.
I took all me shadow off, and I feel naked! I'm talking about the sound, "I," remember? Take your "ah," add "E," and make them one.
Ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, I, I, I, I, I.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e.
Ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, Ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, ah-e, I, I, I, I, I I, I, I, I, I, I, I Stop! You and I have a communication problem.
You know that? You and I have a communication problem.
Yes, Jonathan, she already made that point.
But she made it properly.
Sally, say it again.
"You and I have" Have what? "A communication problem.
" I know that.
Who's arguing? No, just say it.
I know that.
Who's arguing? You did it again! You told me to! "You and I have.
" "You and I have.
" You used a proper "I," you used an "H.
" Here, do it with me.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You and I have.
You have I have.
You I can't do it! I can't! I can't keep me "H" up.
I can't be bloody Rory Ponting, not even put-on, like.
When Timmy calls, I'm telling him the wedding's off, and then I'm going home tonight! I'm sorry.
I got carried away with your progress.
And there has been progress, Sally.
We should keep on working.
You needn't lose Mr.
Finch.
The party isn't until tomorrow afternoon.
We can stay up all night and work.
Unless, of course, you'd rather go home and retreat to the polite society of the Golden Guinea.
Hey, I just want proof that I'm going! Okay, fine.
You call Agatha and ask her yourself.
She's covering your ticket to Florida if we break the case.
If we break the Thomas, you told me that all I had to do to get to Disney World was find this place! Any idea why Tee-Mar doesn't seem to wanna be found? All I know is that those people buy hot typewriters.
And all the hot typewriter lady knows is that nobody is around here to pay the bill.
"Mrs.
Perroni's for a thick slice of life?" You won fourth place for that? Can you believe they found three better slogans? Okay.
You stay here and yell if you see anybody coming.
You shouldn't have snooped around so much.
Ten grand's not worth it.
Lesson one in planning a good get-up-early day.
You're going to be very sleepy by noon, so limit exciting surprises to two.
Today, of course, had had far too many.
My good surprise, Agatha's bad surprise, Higgins' prize cousin with the surprisingly orange hair.
And my not-so-surprising hunch that the missing 10,000 was a tiny part of a gigantic swindle.
Take a few hundred small investments, float them in a sea of endless corporations, and somebody finally ends up with several nicely washed millions.
Friendly Frank Ohmar had just become somebody.
I had a few questions for him about the "F.
O.
" Initials on that note, about the proper use of my corn-popper, and about why I was set up with a surprise visitor at Tee-Mar.
Surprise! What do you think of our young lady now, Jonathan? Yes, well, you've certainly worked wonders since yesterday, but her hair still isn't right.
Here! We've rubbed our hands raw getting me fashion out.
What in bloody hell you want? That is to say, it was a painful and tedious process removing my orange aura.
We had so hoped that you'd be pleased.
As a last resort, Mr.
Rickie is upstairs with a most attractive brown wig.
Well, let's try that.
And, Jonathan, Sally really must get dressed.
Yes, Agatha, I know.
We'll only be a moment.
Now then, Sally, one more time, please.
I'm very pleased to meet you, Mrs.
Finch.
Timmy Timothy has Has told me so much about you.
MRS.
FINCH: Yes, well, I'm finally glad to meet you, Miss Ponting.
Timothy has told me nothing of my future daughter-in-law.
Where do you reside in England, dear? Kent.
My father, Rory, has a country estate with priceless Chinese vases.
Really? I was born and reared in Kent.
Fifteen years in the Islands may have dulled my ear to regional dialects, but I have never heard any accent quite like yours.
Now, now, Sally, you should never be embarrassed by the Boxley Brogue.
The Boxley Boxley Girls' Finishing School.
The elocution teacher there is renowned but unorthodox.
Were any of the Royal Family attending Boxley while you were there, Sally? No, I just missed them.
Dear old Boxley.
Surely you remember it, Mrs.
Finch.
Oh Why, yes.
Yes, of course.
Another champagne, Miss Ponting? Thank you.
Well, I'm sure you ladies would like to discuss wedding plans.
I'll see to the other guests Can you imagine the confusion? My father and the lead hound on the hunt both being named Rory? Isn't Sally charming, Mrs.
Finch? Oh, my, yes.
But then I've never met a Boxley Girl who wasn't.
Oh, you're a lovely young lady, Sally.
I believe we're going to be very close friends.
One more, Miss Ponting? Thank you.
My, what beautiful hair you have.
Thank you.
But it isn't mine.
Mine's the sweaty mess underneath My poor mother had to wear a wig for months once while her hair grew out.
You see, in her younger days, the beehive hairdo was all the rage.
Well, mum's cost her a week's pay, so she didn't wanna give it up.
Babied it forever.
Well, would you believe that real bees took up a nest in it before mum knew it? They had to shave her bald to get them out.
Warm wine's all right but not on a hot day.
I know, Mrs.
Finch.
What we need is a cooling Midnight Blitz! Jonathan! Jonathan! It was an unusually cool day for southern India, and our battalion had just encountered Jonathan! May I speak with you, please? Yes, Agatha, in a moment.
Our battalion Jonathan, now! Get your lungs ready.
One, two, three, four.
Anytime you're Lambeth way Any evening, any day You'll find yourself Doing the Lambeth walk.
Oye! Everything's free and easy Do as you darn well pleasey Why don't you make your way there? Go there, stay there Anytime you're Lambeth way Any evening, any day You'll find yourself Doing the Lambeth walk.
Oye! All right, then! Midnight Blitzes over here.
And you teetotalers can tote your tea over here.
Here, Higgins, we did all that work for nothing.
These people like me just the way I am.
I have a call in to Timothy, in London.
I'm officially canceling the wedding.
Without Timothy and Sally having any say in the matter? My son can be very impulsive, particularly when he's drinking.
I'm sure when he hears of this afternoon's fiasco, he'll agree with my decision.
Good night.
Mrs.
Finch, what you saw before Sally's unfortunate relapse was the result of only two days' work.
With her desire and quickness, these last three days could bring miracles.
This is not the Olympics, Mr.
Higgins.
It's my son's marriage.
Precisely.
A marriage both he and Sally want.
It does seem worth an effort before facing the embarrassment of canceling the wedding or an elopement.
Very well, I shall meet with Miss Ponting a day before the wedding.
At that time, for all appearances, I expect to meet a true Boxley girl! I must confess to eavesdropping, Jonathan.
One more disgrace at this point seems minimal.
I thought you'd gone home.
I've been up with Sally.
She's very upset.
Yes, well, of course it's impossible to get her ready in two days' time, but I must try, even in the light of today's poor judgment.
I feel just as hopeless about Mr.
Magnum finding the money.
But we can't give up.
No.
Not if we're ever to look Island society or family members in the face again.
Tomorrow morning, then? Mrs.
Finch, I can only beg your forgiveness for my outrageous conduct of last Saturday.
And as your son is quite dear to me, I humbly request that the wedding be allowed to take place on schedule.
Bloody hell! It's you.
That is not Sally talking, it's Jonathan Higgins or Henry Higgins.
I beg your pardon.
You're doing to Sally exactly what Rex Harrison did to Audrey Hepburn.
My Fair Lady.
You're using her as a guinea pig for your own self-indulgent experiment.
If there were a comparison to be made, it would be what Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree did to Mrs.
Patrick Campbell in a G.
B.
Shaw classic entitled, Pygmalion.
But there is none.
I am simply trying to help Sally have what she desires, Mr.
Timothy Finch.
Are you? Magnum, why are you here? I have to talk to Agatha.
Look, Sally, you just relax and be yourself, okay? If you talk to Mrs.
Finch in your own words Why don't I tell the old bag that I'm sick of the whole confused, posh, snooty, bloody lot of you.
I'll ask you for the last time to stop interfering.
Yes, Mr.
Magnum, really.
Wouldn't your time be better spent looking for the I.
B.
A.
's money? I have been looking.
I just got the run-around from my third quiet, little investment firm.
You interrupted my progress with Sally to reiterate this corporate scheme nonsense? Yes.
I mean, come on, it wasn't nonsense to the guy who tried to have me killed.
I just know if I can get one more look at the Tee-Mar files, I can prove that half the small investors on this Island are getting burned, and I need help to do it.
Now, Agatha, how far do you want me to go to find this money? Oh, dear.
Do I have to go to Florida again? A ticket for T.
C.
Higgins, I know that there's something in these files that'll show that this last name on the memo, this Western Shelter outfit, is the big umbrella company.
Now, I'd check it out myself, but the address is in San Diego.
- San Diego.
Really, Magnum.
Western Shelter Corporation is a very respectable firm.
Mr.
Masters has several investments with them.
Small investments? The kind that Robin wouldn't worry about too much if it got lost in a bankruptcy? Mr.
Masters will pay for one ticket to Florida.
Now all of you can meet David Duck.
Coach excursion rate.
T.
C: That wasn't the deal.
Come on, at least you're on the plane.
What happened to first-class airfare? What happened to my expenses? And my hotel room? I couldn't push it, T.
C.
Besides, I'm not asking you to do much for the ticket.
Trivia question.
What is the penalty for impersonating a government official? The prison terms vary.
Look, T.
C.
, there's hardly anyone in there but one little secretary.
We'll be in and out in five minutes, and we'll be in Disney World for five days, hmm? Internal Revenue Service? Right.
Just a couple of questions.
There seems to be some confusion about your employer's ID request form.
Speaking of ID, do you have any? I guess you haven't dealt with people from my office before.
We don't carry ID.
We dealt with the I.
R.
S.
Just the other day.
That guy made an appointment.
He had ID.
Okay, this is so embarrassing.
T.
C: My kid She tore up my ID card just this very morning.
But you can call and check me out.
I'm I.
R.
S.
Yes, we will.
We're only in today because we were expecting a guy in a red Ferrari to pay us a visit.
Red Ferrari? Yeah.
You know him? No.
I mean, I don't know anyone that classy.
Look, it's obvious that I've caught you at a bad time, so I'll be leaving.
Hold it right there! Thomas? Tom? Let's go! See? What'd I tell you, T.
C? In and out in five.
It is all here! Computer printouts for all the companies Magnum.
for Eden Valley investments to Western Shelter, and 818 at the top! Thomas! At first I thought it was a typo, but it's not! It's the name of a company.
The company! Will you forget about that, and let's get the hell out of here? What's your hurry? Sally, we're going to be late.
You look stunning.
Congratulations.
I was just about to say the same.
Yes.
Let's hope Timothy is as pleased with your transformation as his mother was.
He called last night after he arrived.
I'm afraid he still feels the whole thing was a bit unnecessary, but he's glad that she's pleased.
I'm sure he'll be quite proud when he sees his Boxley girl.
Pity that I can never be quite as posh as those Boxley ladies Mrs.
Finch knew in England.
Sally, there is no Boxley Finishing School.
Oh, thank you, Higgins.
Shall we go? Higgins, are you proud of me? Honestly? Very proud, indeed, Cousin Sally.
You're a tribute to the Ponting name.
Where is the groom? I don't know.
I'll have a look outside.
Where's the groom? Oh, the groom isn't here? I don't understand The best man left Timothy talking on the telephone in the vestry.
He apparently received this urgent phone call just before the service, and when the best man asked if the processional should start, he said yes, that he'd only be a moment.
That's the last anyone saw of him.
Mr.
Finch has to be in some kind of terrible trouble.
There's no other explanation.
No.
Magnum, if you would consider for Sally's sake investigating Timothy's disappearance, I would be most grateful.
Well, I Well, I didn't even get a chance to tell you, I think I finally have something on Agatha's case.
Please, Mr.
Magnum.
We can't allow that to be of first priority now.
Do you have Finch's address? the ground floor apartment.
Well, yeah.
I'll go take a look.
Thank you, Magnum.
Right.
Jonathan, I'll gladly stay.
I mean, Sally might need me when she wakes.
Sally's all right.
It isn't fair.
You've worked so hard.
You're a good, kind sort, you know that? I appreciate everything you've done.
I'm leaving in the morning, Higgins, 10:00 plane.
Sally, I really don't think that's wise at this point.
There may be some very simple and logical explanation for Timothy's behavior.
Has anyone considered the possibility that Timmy simply and logically changed his mind about me? If that had been the case, he would have told you.
Gentlemen don't leave ladies standing at the altar.
I told you, this gentleman had all the posh ones he wanted.
So what do we do? Fix him up with another posh bird.
Rory Ponting in a dress.
You're right.
I should never have asked you to become, in a matter of days, something you've spent years loathing.
You didn't ask, Higgins.
That's the point.
Thomas was right.
I saw that Fair Lady flick.
We just both tried to make me over for all the wrong reasons.
But we accomplished a great deal.
What does it matter It matters, 'cause I don't loathe it.
Yeah, I like what I've learned.
But now I've got no choice but to go back to the Golden Guinea and not be as satisfied pulling the drafts.
See, that Sally was happy with her orange hair and her fashion 'cause that's who she was, or said she was.
Now, how am I supposed to say who I am with half of both worlds to pick from? I'm sorry if I confused you.
I truly felt that I was helping you to reach your goal of marrying Mr.
Finch.
I didn't do it for that, Higgins.
It's not Timmy I'm missing.
It's me.
Oh, I loved him, but then I realized it was just his posh I wanted.
Look, you've helped me a lot, all right? We just both forgot to ask, that's all.
You never asked if it was all right to fix me, and I never asked meself if it was really what I wanted.
I understand.
But, Sally, please, you can't return to that life in London.
If you stay here, we can continue No.
No.
You don't understand.
There is nothing to continue.
Sally Robin Masters' estate.
I beg your pardon? It's Timothy.
I once read about two long lost sisters who had spent 20 years looking for each other.
They both happened to be in Tulsa, Oklahoma, on the same weekend and collided into each other at an intersection.
I had just such a collision at 818 Honawi.
The improbable had become a real problem, and I had to deal with it.
I finally had the proof to break the investment swindle.
But I had to figure that Sally had a breaking point as well.
Maybe even Higgins.
And it was going to be hard to hit them with this last big surprise.
The two sisters recovered and lived happily ever after in Tulsa, but I couldn't think of a way for this one to have a happy ending.
Higgins.
Magnum? What are you all doing here? What are we doing here, Higgins? Mr.
Finch called.
He really does care for Sally.
I drove her here so that he could explain about the wedding.
Did he also explain that Frank here made the phone call to the church and told him to go into hiding in a hurry? How did you find us? Well, I finally remembered you can't move these things with a pickup truck.
Frank.
I don't understand.
You introduced yourself as Leonard.
Higgins, please, this is Frank Ohmar.
He and Finch are the big guys in this insurance scam, the 818 Company.
A very quiet international giant run from Finch's apartment.
I found all the proof in his files.
- That's impossible.
Timothy Finch is one of the wealthiest men in the island.
And it takes a lot of ingenuity to become that rich, Mr.
Higgins.
Please, all of you, move away from the door.
I've explained everything to Sally, and she's leaving with me.
Sally, why? Like I told you, Higgins, I loves Timmy, and I didn't go through all your messing around just to lose him now.
Sorry to leave you with this problem, Frank, but I'm sure that you can handle it.
Let's have it.
He really could be a love when he was drinking.
A glass of sherry, please.
That posh stuff will kill you, Higgins.
Better have a draft.
I'm very glad you decided to stay.
Yeah, well, like I said, I need a bit of both worlds right now.
Working here keeps me Golden Guinea half satisfied while the rest of me finds out who I am.
I don't know much for sure yet, but it's a fact I'll never be quite what I was.
Likewise.
Hey, Sally, congratulations on your new job.
Hey! Oh, hello, boys.
We all came by just to kick off the new day.
Well, have a drink on me.
I'll have a coffee, here.
I'll have a brandy.
A beer.
All right.
We are also here to celebrate the fact that Mrs.
Perroni's Florida Tour leaves in exactly one month from today.
Higgie baby, you and Agatha can order the plane tickets.
Oh, that reminds me.
This came in the morning mail for you, Magnum.
Hold your breath, T.
C.
With that slogan of his, it could be one big mistake.
For your information, I have been upgraded a spot.
They found out the third place slogan was a direct quote from Dickens.
All right! Wait a minute.
Is the prize better? A vacation for four! All expenses paid including airfare! Four to Disney World! No.
Waikiki.
Waikiki? Waikiki? Here now, that's right close down the road here, isn't it, love?