Man with a Plan (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Buzzer Beater

(snores, gasps) Oh, my God, the alarm didn't go off! Get up! Get up! Get up! (stammers): Uh, it's a chicken.
What? - What? What happened? - We overslept.
It's almost 8:00.
Just get dressed.
I'll wake up the kids and-and get 'em in the shower.
Oh, there's no time.
I'll just Febreze 'em.
Ugh.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Hold on.
ANDI: Okay, kids, let's move it, okay? Babe, why are you still in bed? Hurry up! Wait, wait, wait.
It's Saturday! Seriously? Yeah.
Wow.
Awesome.
Okay.
Hey! It's Saturday! Everybody back to sleep! False alarm! - Oh! Ugh.
- Okay.
Oh.
(both sigh) Oh, this is nice.
So nice.
(door opens) My game starts in 20 minutes.
(sighs) You said having kids would be fun.
I said making kids would be fun.
(gasps) Oh, he's so cute.
Look at those cheeks.
Hey.
Adam, look, a baby.
ADAM: Oh Hey, is that Parker? ANDI: Yeah, we're finally getting to meet Don and Marcy's grandson.
DON: Mikey and his girlfriend dropped him off for the week on their way to a wedding.
Not their wedding, but I guess anything goes these days.
We're gonna get you secretly baptized, aren't we? Oh, he is cute, huh? Yeah.
And he's finally growing into his ears.
When he was born, he looked like a fruit bat.
(chuckles) I think he's adorable.
Oh, man, this brings me back.
It does? Oh.
(sniffs) Why can't they make that into a candle? - (chuckles) - You want a hit? Well (sniffs) Yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's great.
Babies are awesome, such little angels.
Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a minute? You have to get Parker out of here! If Andi spends one more minute with him, she's gonna want a baby of her own.
Isn't she too old for a baby? Shh! Are you trying to get us killed? Oh, I'm sorry.
Marcy talks about menopause all the time.
She's already having hot flashes at night.
It's like sleeping next to a moody campfire.
- (timer dings) - What was that? Bottle time, which also reminds me that it's time for my bottle.
So did you decide what he's gonna call you? - Nana? Grammy? - Oh, no.
No, no.
Those are grandma names and I'm no grandma.
I'm just someone whose son happened to have a baby with a woman he met on the Internet.
(chuckles) Okay, Andi, give the baby back to Marcy so she can feed him.
Oh, no.
I want to feed him.
No, you need to keep your hands free for drinking wine or some other fun thing you can't do when you have a baby.
Should we take up smoking? Okay, Adam, I know what you're thinking, but I am done having babies.
Really? Yeah.
You don't have to worry about me.
Okay, good.
Isn't that right? Aunt Andi's done having babies.
Yes, she is.
Yes, she is.
(laughing): Oh.
I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I believe her.
Okay.
You want to watch the animal channel or the food channel? It's kind of a before and after thing.
Let's go with animals.
Okay.
Ugh.
I've seen this one.
Don't get too attached to that antelope.
I want another baby.
You want to have a fourth kid? Who has four kids? What are we, dogs? I have thought this through logically.
First off did you see his tiny toes? Oh! I just wanted to bite 'em right off.
Hmm.
Well, why don't you bite the toes off the kids we have now? I'll tell you why: because they stink.
Come on.
Don't you remember when we found out I was pregnant with Kate? You were over the moon.
Adam? Yeah, babe? Two blue lines.
We did it.
I am the man! (Adam whoops, laughs) Yes, that was a magical moment, but do you remember the next one? (laughs): Ooh.
Huh? Two blue lines.
When did we have time to do that? Daylight Savings, when we fell back.
That's what we did with that hour.
And then, there was the last one.
- (Kate and Teddy screaming) - No run no running.
- I'm gonna get you! - No running.
No running.
- I'm gonna get you! - No running.
- (screams) - No running.
I was gonna get you! (Kate and Teddy laughing) (sighs) Mm-hmm.
And we never slept again.
Okay.
What if we started sleeping now and banked it? Huh? That is nine months of sleep, my friend.
Babe, you know I love our kids, but I also love thinking of a time when they are out of the house and I can lavish all of my attention on you, my beautiful bride.
Huh? Think of the flowers and and massages.
Huh? It'll be like living on a cloud.
I don't want to live on a cloud.
I want a baby.
Okay, I didn't want to have to put my foot down like this, but we can't fit another cubby! I just I feel like I have so much more love to give.
Give it to me! Honey, we're barely keeping our heads above water with the three we have.
So, no more babies, okay? We'll see.
No.
No, no.
No, no.
(laughs) No.
I need you to say, "I hear you and I agree.
" I hear you and we'll see.
Well "We'll see" is how we got the first three! - Andi still have baby fever? - (scoffs) Yeah.
She's singing lullabies in the shower.
And she's no Barbra Streisand.
Yeah, things aren't great at my house, either.
Marcy's in a tailspin - about being a grandma.
- Mm.
There's been talk of a facelift.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, I have a hard enough time reading her moods as it is.
If they freeze her face in one expression, I'm a dead man.
I am in big trouble.
Andi wants to have another baby.
And she knows I like doing the thing you do to make a baby.
So, make yourself less appealing to her.
Hey, I hear the McRib is back.
Put away a few of those and you'll be sleeping alone.
Please.
I could be covered in barbecue sauce and she'd still be all over me.
You got a real special woman there.
(sighs) - Hey, baby.
- Hey, what? Mmm.
Wow.
You're not wasting any time, are you? What? Can't a wife welcome her husband home after a long day? Yeah, but ooh.
Yeah.
But that's-that's that's not what you're doing.
Okay, I think I Kids, get in here! You can't manhandle me like that in front of the kids.
(laughs) The kids are at your parents'.
They're dropping them off in the morning.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
(chuckles) Guess we're alone.
Uh What to do? What to do? Uh, I had three McRibs for lunch! I don't care.
Well, I knew you wouldn't, 'cause you're all jacked up on lady hormones.
Okay, right, okay, fine.
You know what? You-you-you leave me no choice.
I'm shutting down the factory.
That's right.
Me and my employees are going on strike.
Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well I know your employees and I can get a couple of 'em to cross the picket line.
No, no.
No! That's why I'm running.
No, no! No! Honey, not that.
Not a good idea! (sighs) Hello, Muscles.
(tambourine jangles) (chuckles) What's with the tambourine? You shake it, I'll dance.
We'll see where it leads.
I'm gonna say straight to the mental hospital.
(tambourine jangles) (sniffs) What's that smell? Is that a new perfume? It's French.
It's called Fertilité.
Okay, you're you're really starting to freak me out.
Sweetie, this is happening.
- So, give me my baby! - Well No, no, no! You keep your hands and your sex tambourine away from me! (door opens) What are you wearing? Seven pairs of sweatpants.
That's right.
You're never gonna find what you're looking for.
(grunts) Oh.
And even if you do, it will have been under seven pairs of sweatpants.
(sighs) Doesn't bother me.
I'll peel you like an onion.
Hey.
No, you keep your distance! Okay, I admit that last night was not my proudest moment.
- Yeah.
- But can I - can I please explain my crazy? - No.
No.
One more step, and you're getting the mustard.
Look, I'm just saying, we're not getting any younger.
So, if we want to have another baby, it's now or never.
We got to get this one in before the buzzer.
- What buzzer? - You know, like at a basketball game, when the guy hits the winning shot right before the buzzer, crowd goes wild.
You could be that guy, Adam.
You could be the buzzer beater.
Honey, I can't go back to baby time again.
We just got Emme into school full-time.
You're back to work, which you love.
Things are good.
I know.
I mean, intellectually, I get that.
But my baby-maker's all, "Give me, give me, give me.
" Yeah, I hear it.
The neighbors hear it.
I'm sorry, but I think we're perfect.
We don't need some Yoko Ono coming in and ruining the band.
Okay? So, please, no baby, okay? Well, we do have a great band.
Okay.
Okay? Okay.
Okay.
I'm ready for school.
And-and if you think about it, we have a baby.
I mean, you can still pick this one up.
Huh? And you can do this.
Huh? And you can do this.
(kissing) You didn't brush your teeth.
Go brush your teeth.
Hey, uh, why is there a giant pile of sweatpants in the bathroom? Oh, um Daddy was hiding something from me.
All right, Emme, let's bring it in for some kisses.
Daddy, not in front of my friends.
What? Well, you kissed me yesterday.
Yeah, but I'm older now.
Come on.
Just one kiss.
Right here, come on.
I'm not a baby anymore.
Bye.
Ouch.
That's the first time I've ever felt sorry for you, Burns.
Huh, it's already gone.
If it helps, you have a coupon from me for one free hug.
Expiration date: never.
Andi, it's me.
Meet me at home.
We're making a baby! You ready? Feeling strong.
(whoops, sighs) Whew.
Wow.
That was intense.
Yeah, we shouldn't have run up the stairs like that.
Yes, let's take a minute to catch our breath, and then we are making a baby.
All right.
You know, I got to say, what we've been doing the past few days, that is gonna make a baby.
I am really happy about this.
Me, too, babe.
And it turned out the tambourine was fun.
Yeah, yeah, we should keep that in the repertoire.
Ooh, Teddy has a ukulele if you ever want to do - a Hawaiian night.
- Ooh.
(door opens) Hey, guys, we have to cancel dinner tonight.
(door closes) Parker's killing us.
I thought I was high-maintenance.
I can't stop moving or he squawks.
My calf muscles are on fire.
MARCY: We haven't slept in days.
I mean, look at me.
I know what you're doing.
You are trying to turn me into a grandma.
Well, I'm-I'm sure you've had some fun, too, right? Did you, uh did you take him to the park? I used to love pushing the kids on the swings when they were babies.
Please.
How many times can I pretend to be surprised when he swings back to me? The answer's five.
Five times.
- DON: Okay, come on.
We got to keep moving.
- Oh.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Let me smell him, let me smell him.
(sniffs) Oh, that's not the good baby smell.
All right, we'll have to change him when we get to the duck pond.
We were saving the duck pond for tomorrow.
If we don't get through the next two hours, - there is no tomorrow.
- (groans) (door closes) Wow.
(chuckles): Yeah.
That kid's giving 'em a run for their money.
Well, you know, Don and Marcy don't know what they're doing.
You know, 'cause they only had one kid.
We had three, so we're pros.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
And our baby is gonna be an angel.
That one just sounds completely unreasonable.
Yeah, well, if you had to hang around Don's neck all day, you'd have some complaints, too.
(chuckles) I mean, you think he takes that thing off when he goes to the bathroom? I don't.
(chuckles) - (chuckles) - Right? - Yeah.
- (chuckles) Yeah.
- (chuckles) - Yeah.
(chuckles) (sighs) I'm not sure I want to have another baby.
Oh, thank God.
- I'm not sure, too.
- Really? I-I had just been blocking out all the bad stuff.
And then, seeing Don and Marcy made it all come flooding back.
You know, the-the sleepless nights The endless days.
- Endless poops.
- Yeah, plus, remember how much time you spend on the floor when you have a baby? I can't do that anymore.
I'll be down there till the kid's old enough to help me up.
Well, that's a great point.
The other day, I dropped a strawberry and just kicked it under the fridge.
We can't have a new baby.
'Cause you know it'll find that thing and eat it! They get into everything.
BOTH: Baby proofing.
(groans) The gate on the stairs, the locked cabinets.
You got to be freaking Houdini to get a bag of chips.
Okay, okay, well, there's a good chance I'm not pregnant.
I don't know.
I don't miss.
I'm three-for-three.
Yeah, well, that's true.
Okay, we'll go and get a pregnancy test in the morning.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's pouring rain.
It-it can wait till the morning.
- Okay.
- (sighs) We're gonna go now, right? Yeah, my feet are already on the floor.
(thunder claps) ANDI: Oh.
Hey, can you tell us where to find Laxatives, aisle four.
What? Yeah, it's the face you were making.
No, no, we (whispers): we need a pregnancy test.
For your daughter? What? No, stop guessing things.
Mm.
All right, over there, next to the tissues and champagne.
We never know which way it's gonna go.
Did you do it yet? What's happening? What's it say? ANDI: It doesn't say anything yet.
Stop asking me! Sorry! Sorry.
Sorry.
What's it say now?! One blue line.
I'm not pregnant.
We didn't do it! We got away with it! Oh, dodged a bullet.
Yep.
No more babies.
The store is closed.
Yep, out of business.
They are tearing down the building and putting up a Walmart.
- (chuckles) - Whew.
We are done.
Done forever.
(sighs) Ooh.
It feels weird to say that out loud.
Yeah.
I mean, it seems like just yesterday we found out we were having Katie.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll never forget it.
It all went by so fast.
Did it, really? (chuckles) - No.
- (chuckles) But I wouldn't change any of it.
Me, neither.
You know, in four years, Katie'll be off to college.
And then, in 12 years, they'll all be gone.
Well, maybe we can be one of those couples that gets a little dog and pushes it around in the stroller.
(chuckles) Aw.
You'd do that for me? I would.
Come here.
Mwah.
Hey, for the record, I went three-for-four.
Those are still Hall of Fame numbers.
You want to go not make a baby? Yeah.
Slow down! - Ah - Slow down.
Slow.
Save our energy for the good part.
That's right.
(thunder claps) That possum's never gonna get home.
No, he might find a new - Oh - Oh No, that snake had other ideas.
- (thunder claps) - I'm scared.
Can I sleep with you guys? - Yeah, honey, come here.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Just a little thunderstorm.
Nothing to be scared of.
- Snuggle in.
- Okay.
What's that snake eating? Uh, candy.
(thunder claps) - Move over, Emme.
- Okay.
Come on.
(strained): Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Okay, guys, it's all gonna be fine.
(thunder claps) Is there room in there for me? Come on.
(Adam sighs) - I guess we still have babies.
- Yeah.
One of 'em kicked me right in the beans.
It's okay.
They're retired.
- Ooh.
Thank you.
- (chuckles) (grunts) Oh who was I kidding? I couldn't have given this up for nine months.
- (chuckles) - Yeah.
It's better for all of us when you can have a little wine.
(door opens) - Hey, guys.
- Whew.
Boy, is it a beautiful day.
Wow, Marcy, you seem peppy.
Well, Mikey picked up the baby yesterday.
- So, we just slept for a day and a half.
- Oh When I woke up, I peed for 15 straight minutes.
"World's Greatest Grandma"? Well, when I said good-bye to Parker last night, I I looked down at his fat little cheeks and I thought, "I'm really gonna miss this little guy.
" DON: Mm-hmm.
I'm a grandma.
- (chuckles) - So, he can call me Marcy.