Married with Children s02e01 Episode Script

* Love and marriage * * Go together like * * A horse and carriage * * This I tell ya, brother * * You can't have one * * Without the other * * Love and marriage * * It's an institute * * You can't disparage * * Ask the local gentry * * And they will say It's elementary * * Try, try, try To separate them * * It's an illusion * * Try, try, try And you will only come * * To this conclusion * * Love and marriage ** And I'd like to say one more time, please, please, watch the late show on Fox.
All we want is a chance.
Is that too much to ask for? I'm home! No, no.
Don't mob me! I'm just the breadwinner.
No, don't push.
You'll all get your chance to hug and kiss me.
Hey, Buck.
I'm home, buddy.
You shiftless, thankless bag of- Go on.
Get off.
Hey, where'd you get these? We don't keep any food in the house.
Al, I brought you some ribs.
I kept them in the bag so they could soak in the grease just like you like them.
Al, you eat like an animal.
I didn't do this.
Oh, you're going to blame it on Buck? Well, look, he's not even hungry.
His bowl is still full.
Hey, beef! Give it here.
It's Buck's, Al.
Now listen, you're always complaining I don't get you food, so I got you ribs.
Now I want you to do something for me you've been promising for a long time.
What's that you say, Peg? I'm sorry, it's just this darn headache.
Not that.
I meant something that would require movement on your part.
I want you to fix the back fence.
Wait a second, Peg, why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence.
" It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.
It made a nice picture, Al.
Now, look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans.
And now you won't even fix the fence.
What kind of an example is that for them? Well, if we're an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him.
And Kelly, well she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.
Now don't start with that "I don't do anything crap," I take care of your children.
Mom, where's my socks? Honey, there's probably a pair in the hamper.
Anyhow, Al, that hole is not only an eyesore, but, I mean, what about Buck? He could climb through, and we'd never see him again.
Oh, that's a real danger, Peg.
Watch this.
Buck! Come here, boy! Come on, Buck! Freedom, boy! Go! Go, Buck! He's got about as much chance of finding his way out of this house as you do.
It's not just Buck getting out.
Other dogs are getting in.
And they're using our yard as a public rest room.
All right.
All right! I'll fix it tomorrow.
Thanks, Al.
Can I get you an aspirin? I don't have a headache.
Well, good.
Then that brings us to another little chore our handyman's been neglecting.
Oh, gee, you better bring me three, Peg.
Ah, I guess I better get rid of all the dirty work at one time.
I'll do it after I fix the fence.
Ohh It's been two months, Al.
When are you gonna fix the fence? Tomorrow, Peg.
And that other thing we talked about? Tomorrow, Peg.
We're getting complaints from the neighbors.
What? Are we bringing down the block's average? We'd bring down the average at a nursing home.
Look, I'm talking about the fence.
Remember how you said Buck couldn't find his way out.
Well, he found his way out and he has knocked up every dog in the neighborhood.
That's ridiculous, Peg.
He's a lifeless lump.
We had two kids.
Then my work is done.
Well, I'm sure he didn't learn anything from you, but they're blaming us anyway.
I still can't believe it.
How could that be? He tips over when he lifts his leg.
Mr.
Pittman.
My dog's been soiled, Bundy.
I demand satisfaction.
Me too.
Good luck.
What are you talking about, Pittman? My dog happens to be a champion, purebred poodle.
I was saving her to be mated with the well-known champion Zeus of Olympus.
But what do I find this morning when I come down to give my dog her eyedrops? I find that beast.
With my champion dowager Duchess of Kankakee.
I had her tested, Bundy.
She's impregnated.
And now she's going to have stupid, ugly puppies.
I was going to make a lot of money off a proper mating.
That sort of makes you a dog pimp, doesn't it, Pittman? And it also sort of makes you the defendant in a lawsuit, doesn't it, Bundy? You're slapping my dog with a paternity suit? You must be out of your mind.
Al, you're not going to believe what just happened.
I just delivered a litter of 11 puppies.
The mother was under our house undergoing a difficult labor, but luckily, Steve took charge.
The puppies are very cute, but they seem awfully stupid.
The wonder dog strikes again, eh, Bundy? What's going on? Buck Bundy impregnated my dog.
Ohh He's probably getting out through that hole in the fence, Al.
You know, as I was under our house, witnessing the miracle of birth, it occurred to me this whole despicable episode could have been avoided if owners would only have their pets spayed or neutered.
Well, that's an idea, Al.
We could spay or neuter Buck.
Not a chance.
Look, I'll just fix the fence, okay? Oh, I don't think that'll help much, Al.
You know what they say- How you gonna keep them down on the farm after they've poked Paris? You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Oh, now, Mr.
Pittman, uh Look, how about this? If Al gets his dog neutered, will you forget about a lawsuit? Well, Looking around, it doesn't look like I could get much.
Looks like you've already been sued by life.
All right, I'll accept those terms.
But, Bundy, I don't want your stupid dog around my poodle ever again.
And while we're on the subject, keep your daughter away from my son.
Well, she was probably just lending him a dress.
Well, I guess that goes to show you what can happen when you use a little diplomacy.
What a day, huh? I delivered a litter of puppies and still had time to save your bacon.
Brewskies, all around.
Well, Steve, what can I say, except I wish you were dead? That's just Al's way of saying thanks for saving us hundreds of dollars that would've taken Al thousands of years to make.
You're welcome.
You're not.
And I'm not neutering my dog! That's the way God made him, and that's how he's staying.
Al, he's climbing over every dog in the neighborhood.
Why, because Pittman says so? How does he know? The spells sex 9-7-6.
Now, look, we all know Buck.
Remember the time we had to pull his head out of his water dish to keep him from drowning? He was only two, honey.
Oh, please, the dog isn't capable of thought, much less reproduction.
I don't care what anybody says, Buck is innocent until proven guilty.
Dad, the dogs are in your bedroom.
Well- Do something! * When a man loves a woman * * Can't keep his mind On nothing else ** Well, the dogs are gone.
There was a line at the gate too, but I got rid of them.
Where were we? We were neutering the dog, Al.
Oh, but honey, before you take him down, could you ask him for a few pointers? Well, one thing that seems to work for him was there was no one lying there yelling a bunch of instructions at him.
Well, you obviously didn't pay attention to those charts I put up in the bathroom.
Well, I thought that meant, put the clothes in the hamper.
You been missing that too, Al.
Uh, guys, please.
Uh, look, Al, why don't you just take him down, get him neutered and be done with it? Because I'm not neutering him.
Oh, come on, Al.
It is no big thing.
Al, you'll really be doing him a favor.
I read that neutered dogs live longer, they're calmer, and they're more affectionate.
Makes them more affectionate, huh? He won't even notice after a while.
Believer me, Marce, it's the kind of thing a guy would notice.
Oh, come on, Al.
It's a simple, painless operation.
I bought a male dog because I wanted a male dog.
He'll still be a male dog.
No, he won't be a male dog, he'll be a thing.
Like a like a girl.
Listen, Al.
Let's be practical.
Mr.
Pittman won't sue if we have Buck neutered.
And if the court is gonna award anyone what's left of your money, it's going to be me.
Here, here! Come on, Peggy, I'll get you the numbers of a couple of veterinarians we met at our animal rights group.
Oh, and while you're there.
You've got to see my new fox jacket.
Well, are you happy now, Dr.
Hack-em-off? Come on, Al.
Deep down, you know it's the best thing for him.
You're making this sound a lot more gruesome than it is.
Oh, really, Steve? Why are your legs crossed? They're not.
You know, I can't believe you're not with me on this, Steve.
I mean, you, me, and Buck- We're guys.
We were put on this earth to roam, to conquer to rule.
Then we got married, so it's over for us.
But Buck- he's in his prime.
Look at him, Steve.
You can't tell me you're not a little envious.
He's got the life.
A new bitch every night- Doesn't have to take them to dinner, he doesn't have to dress up, he doesn't have to take a bath, and best of all, they're not there in the morning.
Just woof, woof, thank you, ma'am.
Think about it, Steve.
Well, I really don't mind bathing, Al.
Other than that, he's everything I've ever wanted to be.
Then be like me, Steve.
Live through him.
You saw that little poodle he was with? How was she? What am I saying? This is a dog.
Marcie suggested this vet that's not too far from us.
And guess what, Al- She's a woman.
Of course.
What does she do, nag him till they drop off? Al, there is a stupid, ugly puppy sale going on in every house on the block.
They know it's Buck.
Wait a second, Peg.
So it's all Buck's fault, huh? If these neighbors don't want anymore puppies, let them spay their dogs.
Oh, that is so typically male.
Birth control is always the woman's responsibility.
They have the babies.
God, you're a pig.
Well, it may surprise you, Al, but some feel that responsibility should be shared equally.
Right, Steve? Right, dear.
And some men even feel it's their duty to assume the role of family planner.
Right, Steve? Right, dear.
And after we have our little boy and little girl, Steve's gonna have a vasectomy.
Right, Steve? Steve is going to have what, dear? You know, Steve.
Like Buck.
You'll live longer.
You'll be calmer.
Shut up, Al.
Uh, dear We never talked about doing anything to, uh, Mr.
Mike.
Sure we did, Steve.
We said once we had our two children, we'd stop.
I guess I read "stop" a little differently than you did.
Just how did you read it, Steve? You're no better than Al.
Now, now, there is no need for insults.
Look, Marcie, all you have to do is take a pill.
The pill could be dangerous, Steve.
So could I, if you try rewire my plumbing.
This is just great.
Buck's keeping his, and Steve's losing his.
Buck is not keeping his.
And Steve is not losing his.
Well, we'll see about that.
Come on, Steve, we'll talk about this at home.
I can't believe you, it's just a simple little operation.
Yeah, what if there's a slip? What if there's an earthquake? What if the doctor gets hiccups, then where will I be, huh? Standing outside a harem door in a diaper, that's where.
He'll have it done.
Anyway, honey, I'm gonna make an appointment for you and Buck tomorrow at 10.
Wait a minute, Peg, we're going about this all wrong.
It's not up to you.
It's not up to me.
It's Bud's dog.
Now you tell him we're neutering his dog, and let him make the decision.
Bud, come down here! What, Dad? Honey, is it all right if we neuter your dog? Sure.
Aw, Peg Tomorrow at 10, Al.
Look at him.
He knows.
I've been looking at him for three years.
He knows nothing.
That's not true, Peg.
A hundred she-dogs can't be wrong.
He knows one thing.
Well, I'm going up to bed.
Oh, and speaking of that one thing, you want to come up and join me? In a little while, Peg.
I want to spend the last night with my entire dog.
There's a woman for you.
All day long, it's hack-em-off, hack-em-off, hack-em-off.
As soon as the sun goes down, it's "Here, boy!", "Here, boy!", "Here, boy!" Listen, Buck, I tried, huh? You know I tried.
You understand, huh? Ahh I'm home, everybody! No, thank you.
I don't need anything.
Buck! Come here, boy! Hey, that looks good.
Got one for me? Still mad because I got you neutered, huh? What, do you want me to dance for joy? Bring your pipe and slippers, roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame? You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.
Yeah, right.
Why don't you poke my eyes out, maybe that'd do it.
Yeah? Not this year, honey.
Aw, come on, Buck.
You can't just sit around feeling sorry for yourself.
Hey, what do you say we go for a walk.
I hear they painted the big hydrant at the end of the corner.
Nah.
A lot of the male dogs hang out there.
All right, let's clear the air here.
This was for your own good.
Oh, thank you master.
You know, my head is a great source of pleasure to me too.
How about cutting it off? Come on, Buck.
Don't you think I feel bad enough? No.
What can I do to make it up to you? I know, how about a shiny new collar? Oh, yeah! That's much better than what I had before.
Gee, how about one with studs? You know, to impress the ladies.
That is, before they find out I'm a eunuch! Come on, boy.
Keep your hands off me.
Getting a little testy, aren't you boy? Grr.
Well, Bundy I guess you're pretty darn proud of yourself, huh? Aw, come on, Buck, I tried to stop this.
You might have tried a little harder.
I know, why don't we do something to get your mind off it.
Hey, you want to watch the Bears game? Oh, I don't know.
I'm not much into sports anymore.
How about taking me to a Peter Allen concert? Oh, what have I done? Oh, Buck, I didn't want this to happen.
I know you didn't, Bundy.
That's what makes it even harder to swallow.
Ah, what's the difference? I'm sick of the sight of you.
Where are you going? Oh, I guess I'll go out and sniff a few butts for old times' sake.
Hi.
We're insane killers.
Sic 'em, Buck! Heh, heh.
Buck! Oh, Buck! Extra yummies! Aah! Well, today's the day.
Do I have to, Peg? Oh, honey, everybody says this is the best thing for Buck.
We've had all the arguments and there is not one good reason not to do this.
He knows, Peg.
Look how he's looking at me.
He's looking at me, Al, and he's thinking what everybody who looks at me thinks- That poor woman.
Just take him down.
I'll go get his leash.
You know what you have to do.
You look real nice today, Peg.
Thanks, Al.
Want to go upstairs? For what? It, Peg.
I'm in the mood.
Let's go.
You can always take Buck next weekend.
That is, unless you're busy next weekend.
Go on upstairs, Peg.
I'll be right up.
Oh You owe me big.