Married with Children s02e11 Episode Script

* Love and marriage * * Go together like A horse and carriage * * This I tell ya, brother * * You can't have one * * Without the other * * Love and marriage * * Love and marriage- * * It's an institute You can't disparage * * Ask the local gentry * * And they will say It's elementary * * Try, try Try to separate them * * It's an illusion * * Try, try, try * * And you will only come To this conclusion * * Love and marriage- ** Nice game, Peg.
Oh, you're talking to me again, huh? It was fun, Al.
It's only a game.
No, it's only a game if you win, but if you lose, it's a stinking waste of time, especially if you lose to the Kiss-Me Cosmetics Company.
Well, they sure smelled good, didn't they? And you know, Al, I may have struck out four times, but at least I found out I was using the wrong eyeliner.
Peg, we lost to six women and three men with visible panty lines.
Bud, you had fun, didn't you? You stink, Mom.
We lost to women, Dad.
You'll get used to it, son.
We haven't won a game all season.
Well, I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower.
Al, would you like me to prepare your shower? You know, spray deodorant on the underarms of a clean shirt? Peg, I don't have any clean shirts.
You guys can be miserable if you want to, but I got out in the sunshine and I had a good time.
I love being on this team.
Peg, you're right.
That's what it's all about.
We've got to get rid of your mother, Bud.
I know, Dad, but how? We've got to have three women on the team.
Well, we've got to do something.
We're O in 7.
If we lose our next two games, we're out of the league.
And then you know where we'll be spending our Sundays.
Grandma's.
Yeah.
Well, it may not come to that, son.
Next week, we're playing the Shaky Acres Retirement Home and their best player has bladder problems.
We'll take him out on the first play at second.
But your mother would lose a grounder in the sun.
It's too risky, Bud.
We need another woman.
Well, this may be stretching the word "woman," but Kelly's pretty good- she's got a great arm.
I once saw her hit a police car with a rock at 200 yards.
I taught her to throw.
Let's sign her.
I don't know.
Mom loves those games.
How can we get her not to play? Well, that's where you come in, Bud.
I leave it up to you.
Nothing permanent.
I just want her out for two weeks.
You can depend on me.
Hey, I- I don't want to know about it.
Just do what you have to do.
Right, Dad.
Three-women rule.
If God had wanted women to play ball, he'd have made them men.
I just met the most wonderful guy.
He's nice, he's courteous, he's never thrown a teacher through a window, but still, there's something I like about him.
That's good, uh Think fast! You know, Kelly, it's been a long time since we've had a father-daughter talk.
We've never had a father-daughter talk.
That's because up until now, I've never had anything to say to you, but Sit down.
You grew up so fast.
Just seemed like yesterday we were out in the backyard playing catch.
Before Bud was born and you figured I was your last chance? Bud means nothing to me.
You were always my favorite.
You know that.
Oh, Daddy Yeah, come on, come on.
Honey, I was just thinking, you know, your old dad might not be around forever.
That's what Mom says.
Your mom is the reason that I might not be around forever, but, no, honey, I was thinking, you know, maybe you might like to play a little ball on our team this Sunday.
I thought Mom was playing.
Ow! Al, I almost broke my toe on your weights.
I told you not to leave them laying around.
Mom might be a little busy.
You know, Dad, I'd love to, but I can't.
This new guy and I are going to go watch them unload the '88 Harleys down at the bike shop on Sunday.
I think I'm in love.
Kelly, honey, let me tell you something.
Guys will come and guys will go, but your dad will always be your dad until he can't take it anymore and he hops on a freight train.
Come on, honey.
It'll be like old times in the backyard.
I can't, Daddy.
I've got a date.
You're playing third, Kelly.
Oh, Daddy.
Mom! Guess what.
I'm in love, and wait till you meet him.
He's perfect.
He does the cutest things.
We went down to this great new restaurant in New Town.
We ate everything on the menu, I mean, the most expensive stuff.
You know what he did? He put a roach in the food, and we didn't have to pay for anything.
You're kidding.
You know, that's amazing.
I used to date a guy who did that.
Yeah, now your father just takes me to restaurants where they have their own bugs.
So, what's his name? Brian.
Oh, Mom, I love everything about him- his hair, his lips, his breath.
His breath? Really? Well, there goes the old myth of a girl wanting a guy just like her father.
Peg, I wonder why you never went after a guy like your father, or weren't there any chronically unemployed social parasites the month you were in your prime? Mom, how did you know you were in love with Dad? Well He was kind of an athlete in school, and no one really thought much about the future back then.
Mom? Can you come up here right away? Al, I'm talking to Kelly.
Could you go see what Bud wants? Clean up after the dog, talk to your son-it never ends.
You know, honey, you ought to bring Brian down to watch us play softball.
I was so good today.
Well, I thought I was good.
Daddy was a little upset, but, you know, he takes these games much too seriously.
Whaa! Dad, you ruined everything.
You don't love me.
Yes, I do.
Do you think that I would do this for everyone? I've seen you do this for everyone.
You stink! My parents are home.
I thought they'd be playing softball all day.
I thought I'd leave home by the time I was 15.
You know, sometimes things don't work out the way you think.
Don't worry about meeting my parents, except for my father.
He's okay and all, but if he finds you sitting in his spot, he'll punch you in the face.
Where's his spot? I forget.
Anyhow, only talk to him about sports and bodily functions.
It's what he knows, it's what he likes.
Oh.
One more thing- if you touch me while he's here, he'll break your back.
Ready? It was very brave of you to play with that foot, Al.
Yeah, freak accident, slipping on a banana peel.
How'd you do, Dad? I went 4 for 4, Bud went 4 for 4, and your mom Well, we lost 17-8.
At least I hit the ball, Al.
Oh, great.
You finally make a bunt, and an 80-year-old man beats you to first base.
Course, he wasn't wearing high heels.
Bud, you want to get me some juice, huh? Is this your spot? This is my house.
Every spot is my spot.
Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Brian.
Next week, we play the Christian T-shirt Shop.
Now, they've never won a game because they refuse to steal, but they've never played us.
Dad, the refrigerator's been sucked dry.
Who's this? It's Brian.
Nice to meet you, Brian.
Yeah, nice to meet you, Brian.
Hi.
Your breath smells of juice.
Oh, don't pay any attention to Al.
No one ever does.
You know, you look kind of familiar.
Do I know you from anywhere? I don't think so, but I do work at the grocery store.
Then there's no way she ever saw you there.
Drank all my juice, huh? Wait a second, Dad.
Juice gives him the essential vitamins he needs to fight infections.
Brian, I'd like you to meet my brother, Bug.
That's Bud.
I was named after a beer, wasn't I, Dad? So, Brian, outside of drinking all our juice, what are your intentions with Kelly here? Come on, everybody, let's give them a little privacy.
You know, I think my dad really liked you.
Gee, I really liked him.
By the way, thanks for saying, "Have some more juice.
There's plenty.
" You're more important than my father.
Am I? Sure.
You know how I feel about you.
You know, it takes more than words.
There is a way you could prove it to me, but you'd never do it.
Yes, I would.
What? You've known me for two days.
You know there's nothing I wouldn't do.
I know, but I'm talking about a tattoo, one with my name on it.
I'm getting one with your name on it.
You are? Yeah.
That's the way I feel about you, Kelly.
Well, where do you want me to put it? Anywhere, as long as it shows.
So, like, anywhere.
Yeah.
I don't know.
My parents would kill me.
I'll do it.
Come on, Peg, you're not leaving till you catch a fly ball.
It's dark.
Catch! Ow! That's it, Al.
I am not practicing anymore.
I'm good enough, and it's just a game.
It's not just a game.
We'd better not lose to the Christians, Peg.
I'm warning you.
I hate that three-women rule.
I hate women.
Dad, can I talk to you? Oh, why? It's important, Daddy.
Okay.
Now, listen, this is not about sex, is it? Because I don't know anything about that.
I know.
Mom told me.
No, it's not about sex, Dad.
Good.
Good.
Okay.
Now, I'm going to be totally straight with you.
There's this girl.
Let's call her Betty.
She has this guy who wants her to look a certain way for him, but, see, this girl isn't sure that she wants to look this certain way.
Kelly, let me tell you something.
Society, somehow, some way, separated the sexes.
Now, they made girls weak.
Now, I'm not saying it's bad to be a girl.
I'd rather be dead myself.
But it's always the girl's place to do something for the guy, Never the guy's place to do anything for the girl- until you marry them- then the law steps in and makes you.
But back to this friend of yours Betty.
See, she has to understand that you don't always have to do what the guy says, especially if Betty is my little girl.
Yeah, come on, come on.
Okay, Peg! Get out in the hall! We're going to do some grounders! I don't want to, Al.
I didn't want to talk to Kelly either, but I did.
Yeah.
Is this Melvin's Tattoo? Yes.
Can I make an appointment for next Sunday? I know, I know.
I stink.
But it was close.
We lost to nuns.
I have never been so humiliated.
In front of everyone, you told Sister Mary Alice, "Bless this, honey.
" Hey, I might not know all the religious gestures, but I recognized the one she gave to me.
Gee, I wonder who that could be.
If there's any justice, it's the baseball police.
Yes? Hi, Peggy.
You don't remember me, do you? No.
All right, I'll give you a little hint.
That night behind the aquarium in high school? Oh, Craig! No.
Ted! No.
Rodrigo! No.
Well, you're just going to have to be a little more specific.
Jimmy.
Oh, that aquarium.
Well, come on in.
Al, this is Jimmy, from the aquarium.
This is my husband, Al.
You're a lucky man, Al.
Yeah, right.
So sit down, Jimmy.
You want a beer? Sure.
So, what brings you around here after all this time? Well, I wondered what became of you, so I looked you up.
Who would ever have thought that you'd be living in a nice, big place like this? I've never been in a house like this.
How'd you let this one get away, Peg? Actually, Al, she dumped me.
Yeah? What did you do? Nothing, really.
It was just before the sophomore dance.
I'd rented a tux, a car, bought flowers.
I got to her house just in time to see her little bottom pull off on the back of a Harley.
Let me get this straight.
You think this house is big, but her bottom- Al, Jimmy is speaking.
And I didn't dump you.
I just went out the back door with a cuter guy.
You know how kids are.
Yeah, yeah, I can laugh about it now.
Ha ha ha! She didn't realize it then, but she was the love of my life.
See how lucky you are, Al? See how lucky you are? You know, that night I was coming to take you to the dance, I had something special to show you.
Look at this.
Oh, Jimmy, I'm so flattered! Well, look at that, Al.
He has my name tattooed on his arm.
You never did that.
Maybe that's because I'm not insane like old Jimbo over there.
Well, buddy, thanks for stopping by.
Next time you want to mutilate some part of your body, swing by and show it to us.
I'm going.
I just wondered if you knew what it was like to go through your whole life with a tattoo of "Peggy" on your arm.
I had to marry a girl named Peggy, a fat horse of a Peggy.
You know, the kind of woman that looks like she inhaled another woman.
I guess we should all be grateful for what we have.
You got a Peggy that's beautiful and fun.
I got one that sleeps standing up.
I can laugh about that now, though.
Heh! We had fun in high school, didn't we? Like when I took you to that fancy restaurant and I put the roach in the food and we got our meal for free.
That's funny.
My daughter's dating a guy who did that.
I know.
It's my son.
I can laugh about that now too.
Where's Kelly? I don't know, but I think she might be out with Brian.
That's great.
My daughter is out with the spawn of Norman Bates and Sea Biscuit.
I should have killed him when he drank my juice.
Maybe we'd better go find her.
Dad, I got a good one.
This one is so good, I won't even charge you.
Guess where I saw Kelly.
Eliminate the obvious like the back seat, the bushes, jail.
Now guess.
Okay, time's up.
She's getting a tattoo.
Yep.
I saw her and Brian go into the tattoo parlor.
They were testing her arm.
Should I bring down your belt? Al, you've got to do something.
Whoo! Much better than a belt, Dad.
I'm going to go stop Kelly, then find Jimbo, and hit one out of the park.
Now, where's this tattoo parlor? Okay, it's the one next to the nightclub that says, "Girls, girls, girls.
" You go down- I know where it is.
Bud, where are you going? I'm moving my stuff into my dead sister's room.
Freeze.
Show me your arm.
Who spotted me? * Dum da-dum-dum-dum * Hey, that's my stuff! Never mind that, Kelly.
Show me your arm.
Oh, Mom, I didn't get the tattoo.
I mean, I was going to, but on the way over, Brian told me the whole story, and a funny thing happened.
We really did fall in love, and we both decided to get tattooed.
But then you realized how upset your father and I would be? No.
See, when Brian was getting his tattoo, I saw the cutest guy, and we fell in love, so I went outside, and we rode off in the sunset in his Domino's pizza truck.
This is it, Mom.
This is the real thing.
You're really turning into a fine young woman.
You know, Mom, I feel closer to you than ever now that both of these geeks have tattoos.
Yeah.
You know, I feel kind of sorry for Brian, though.
He's going to have to go through his whole life with "Kelly" tattooed on his arm.
That's no problem.
I'll just introduce him to this other girl at school named Kelly.
She's kind of fat, though.
Well, as long as we're happy.
Kelly, my hair.
* Dum da-dum, dum-dum * Excuse me.
I went to the tattoo parlor.
Good news.
She didn't get the tattoo.
I know.
She's upstairs.
Did you find Jim? Yep.
I followed Brian to his house, broke the door down, and I was going to break Jimmy's head when she came out of the kitchen.
Peg, her face was in a Jell-O mold.
She was wearing a muumuu, but it had to be slit so she could fit into it.
Peg, she had no knees.
So I let him live.
I figured that's the worst thing I could do to him.
That's my Al.
She was horrible, Peg, horrible! You look good, Peg.
Thanks, Al.
God, she was fat.