Married with Children s06e16 Episode Script
Rites of Passage
Yo, Roxanne, Grandmaster B here.
That's with a big G, a big B and a real big Well You'll just have to come over and see for yourself.
Wait Wait, don't hang up.
Come on, it's my 18th birthday.
Maybe we could go out and get a soda.
No, huh? Well, then, I guess a non-binding sexual thing will be out of the question? Hello? Eighteen years.
Eighteen years of Ioneliness.
Total, desolate, stark raving Ioneliness.
Well, happy birthday anyhow.
- Thank you.
- Oh, cheer up, Butt-wagger B.
I got you a very special present.
Not this time, One-Size-Fits-AII.
I'm not falling for that again.
Every year you say you got me a present I get all excited and it turns out to be something stupid like Clearasil in a drum the book, If You're Lonely And You Know It, Let's Mak e Hand Shadows and my favourite, the poster of the Village People with my picture over the face of the cowboy.
Well, forget it.
I'm 18 now and I will not be fooled again.
Oh, come on now.
I got you a good one this time.
- Really? - Yes.
Give me, give me.
Oh man, oh man.
Oh, wow, a tape recorder, for me? Oh, get serious, that's mine.
I made a message for your answering machine.
Hello, this is Bud Bundy, also known as Grandmaster Virgin.
You must have dialled the wrong number because no one ever calls me on purpose.
If you leave your name and number I'll call you back as soon as I finish putting the negligee on my dog.
Please hold.
Please.
I know it's a little long but then again we don't need much room for messages, do we? Gee, smart, funny and she'll give you back change for your dollar.
Kel, if you really wanna get me a present this year just forget it's my birthday.
That's all I want, for everybody to forget.
Oh, there he is.
My little, little birthday man.
Come on, give Mommy a birthday hug.
Look at you.
Sixteen and already a heartbreaker.
You're confused, Mom.
He's 18.
It's his pimples that are 16.
- That's it.
I'm get - Come on, I got some for you.
Now, kids, remember the rules.
No fighting.
Makes all the dust rise up.
Anyway, Bud, this calls for a big celebration.
- So, what? - I don't want another birthday party.
All I want is this girl, Roxanne.
Then that's what you're gonna get.
Is Roxanne Barbie's new friend? No.
Roxanne's a real girl.
What happened to that nice She won't take his calls anymore.
My poor baby.
Well, maybe this will take the edge off.
We are throwing you a nice party.
And guess what, we're renting you a pony.
Bud, you better go out right now and get yourself a half-gallon hat.
But don't go just yet, there's more.
Do you remember your favourite TV show, Sticky the Clown? Mom, I haven't watched Sticky since I was 12 years old.
Well, a lot's happened to Sticky since then.
He's out on work release and they And they say that he realizes that what he did was bad.
Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today.
The Department of Juvenile Corrections bussed some delinquents over to the shoe store today to show them why it's so important to stay in school.
The guards made them watch me work for over three hours until even the most hardened punk was crying like a baby.
It's a new programme called "Scared Rich.
" If only they'd had a "scared single" when I was a punk.
Anyway, I'm home.
Who's gonna be the last straw? - Al - What a shock.
Honey, it's Bud's 18th birthday.
Don't you think it's time you had a talk with him? You know, without the bathroom door in between you.
Well, what am I supposed to talk about? The accumulated wisdom of your lifetime.
You know, like just how deep does your finger go into your ear.
Oh, and what do you do when your bellybutton nose and rear end all itch at the same time.
Don't make him learn it in the streets, honey.
Come on, Kel.
Eighteen years old, eh? Son, there's so much that I wanna say to you but there's a show coming on I wanna watch.
Soon you'll be getting to that age where you're thinking about settling down and raising a family.
That is if you're a woman.
If you're a guy, you might consider doing something for yourself instead.
Remember, a man is a man all of his life and a woman is only sexy till she becomes your wife.
I guess what I'm trying to say is happy birthday, son.
Go away.
There he is.
The birthday boy.
You mean birthday man, Marcie.
Congratulations, Bud.
Oh, boy, I remember when I was 18.
Girls all over the place, my phone wouldn't stop ringing.
Boy, it must drive you crazy.
Bud, you are so lucky to be 18 at this time in history.
Back when I turned 18, all there was was free love, free sex free Huey.
But you're much luckier than we were because now, with all the numerous and disfiguring diseases out there young men and women really have a chance to get to know one another.
To actually be friends and not merely fornicating at will like dogs in unusual places with people you barely know.
And in ways that even today's bawdiest strumpet could hardly imagine.
Oh, foxy lady coming to get you.
Yep, 18.
Driving my own car, pad down by the beach cheques coming in from my father.
I tell you, it's the age to be.
So I hear you're getting a pony and a clown.
You know, it's not just any clown.
Sticky the clown.
Oh, he's out? Bud, it's for you.
It's a girl.
Really? She wants to take you to a movie.
Well, how about that, folks.
Looks like you can keep your clowns and your parties and your lame memories of the '60s or the '20s or whenever the hell you thought you were cool.
You want a memory, watch the grandmaster operate.
Hey, babe, how they hanging? Oh, hi, Grandma.
No, I haven't seen The Care Bears Big Picnic yet.
Saturday will be fine.
Yes, I got the socks you knitted.
Yes, I'm wearing them.
Yes, I am too old to do that.
Okay.
Yes, I love my mama.
So, what time's Sticky getting here? - The party's on.
- Okay.
Hey, what kind of cake? If anybody wants me, I'll be upstairs dead by my own hand.
Son, I was saving this until you were really low.
What? Coppola's daughter wants to have tea? Do you wanna spend your birthday atop a dying horse while a clown squirts you with seltzer and your Mom takes pictures? - No, Dad.
- Then shut up and get over here.
You're gonna do what every male Bundy does when he reaches the age of 18.
- Aren't we doing that right now, Dad? - Oh, shut up, son.
No.
Tonight I'm I'm taking you to the nudie bar.
Oh, Dad.
My father took me just as his father, Jebediah Bundy, took him.
Seems that throughout history all male Bundys and looking at hooters that don't belong to them go hand in hand.
I knew you loved me.
Yes, the nudie bar.
Where the music stinks And they water the drinks The nudie bar Where the girlies dance In their underpants The nudie bar Where you'll see their butt And their traps stay shut At the nudie bar Here come the women, son.
Now remember, this is our secret.
- Do not give them a clue.
- Okay.
Well, son, it's your birthday.
You sit anywhere you want.
Alrighty.
Except there, son.
It's It's demeaning for the dancers and besides, that's where the nickels people throw usually land.
Here we go, son.
Reserved for A.
And B.
Bundy.
- Oh, Dad.
- I know, I know.
All right, son.
Sit here.
Are you ready? I think so, Dad.
Then go to it.
Take it off.
Did you hear my boy say, "Take it off"? Was it really that good, Dad? If this old heart could talk.
And now, son, something really special.
I'm giving you 6 bucks.
Oh, Dad, your whole paycheque.
That's right, son.
No, no, son, it's not for you.
No, it's for the girls.
You're gonna be tempted to spend all your money on the first girl but don't do it.
Six bucks is too much money to spend on any woman.
Don't worry about me, Dad.
It takes more than a little leg to shake me up.
Oh, that Sticky.
I never dreamed I could find someone like him for only $5.
He's still got it, hasn't he? We're here.
No, Buck, it's not Bud.
Well, well, aren't you a big, sexy, whatever you are.
I'll just go upstairs, splash on some Old Spice and we be getting it on.
Kelly, is this a friend of Bud's? No, actually, you can't find one of those.
But this is Roxanne the girl that Bud loves, but who can't stand him.
I thought I'd do something nice for him, so I convinced her to come.
He's really dying? You've seen him.
I'm gonna miss him.
You must have confused me with a clown who gives a damn.
I got the cake.
No, Buck, that's Jefferson, not Bud.
Lik e I give a cat's ass.
If you want me, I'll be out in the yard getting me some spotted stuff.
Jefferson, it took you three hours to get the cake? Well, we were talking about our youth and all, and I got kind of nostalgic so I bought a '65 Mustang.
You bought a '65 Mustang? Well, when are you gonna get a job to drive it to? Hey, I look in the papers it's just by the time I get up, all the good jobs are taken.
You are gonna take that car back today.
Right now, this instant.
And I don't wanna hear another Oh, all right.
You can keep it.
- But no more cars this year.
- Okay.
- I'm Sticky.
- Me too but at least I've got a car.
Kelly, I've got to go.
I'm not spending my Saturday night sitting here next to your father.
Are you kidding? My father is not a clown, he's a shoe Yeah, you're right, that's my Dad.
Kelly, don't lie to the girl.
My husband is dead, Roxanne.
Hey, so when we gonna fire up this wingding? Well, we'll start the party as soon as Al and Bud get home.
Tricks of the trade, son.
When I die, this'll be yours.
Maybe.
Dad, I'm broke and I'm bored.
Well, I'll handle it, son.
Watch this.
See, I told you you don't need money to have fun.
You're the greatest, Dad.
Hey, young man, I sense a tone.
What's wrong now? This place sucks when you're broke.
What place doesn't suck when you're broke? To tell you the truth, it does get kind of boring in here sometimes.
So then why do you come? For this.
Excuse me, sir.
You bumped into me and I think you owe me an apology.
- Drop dead.
Fine! Go ahead, rookie, take your best shot.
Hey.
- You all right, son? - I'm all right, Dad.
Look out, Dad! I hope it was as good for whatever that was as it was for me.
Hey, what do I care.
I got mine.
Eighteen years old and your first bar fight like every other male Bundy before you.
I'm proud of you son.
How do you feel? I feel great, Dad.
But where do we tell Mom we went? Well, son, you're a man now.
You stare her straight in the eye, and you tell her we were stuck in traffic.
But we know where we were.
The nudie bar.
Where you can't touch a breast, But you can cave in a chest At the nudie bar Where you can look at a thigh And black en an eye At the nudie bar Where the beer gives you gas, But the Bundys kick ass At the nudie bar
That's with a big G, a big B and a real big Well You'll just have to come over and see for yourself.
Wait Wait, don't hang up.
Come on, it's my 18th birthday.
Maybe we could go out and get a soda.
No, huh? Well, then, I guess a non-binding sexual thing will be out of the question? Hello? Eighteen years.
Eighteen years of Ioneliness.
Total, desolate, stark raving Ioneliness.
Well, happy birthday anyhow.
- Thank you.
- Oh, cheer up, Butt-wagger B.
I got you a very special present.
Not this time, One-Size-Fits-AII.
I'm not falling for that again.
Every year you say you got me a present I get all excited and it turns out to be something stupid like Clearasil in a drum the book, If You're Lonely And You Know It, Let's Mak e Hand Shadows and my favourite, the poster of the Village People with my picture over the face of the cowboy.
Well, forget it.
I'm 18 now and I will not be fooled again.
Oh, come on now.
I got you a good one this time.
- Really? - Yes.
Give me, give me.
Oh man, oh man.
Oh, wow, a tape recorder, for me? Oh, get serious, that's mine.
I made a message for your answering machine.
Hello, this is Bud Bundy, also known as Grandmaster Virgin.
You must have dialled the wrong number because no one ever calls me on purpose.
If you leave your name and number I'll call you back as soon as I finish putting the negligee on my dog.
Please hold.
Please.
I know it's a little long but then again we don't need much room for messages, do we? Gee, smart, funny and she'll give you back change for your dollar.
Kel, if you really wanna get me a present this year just forget it's my birthday.
That's all I want, for everybody to forget.
Oh, there he is.
My little, little birthday man.
Come on, give Mommy a birthday hug.
Look at you.
Sixteen and already a heartbreaker.
You're confused, Mom.
He's 18.
It's his pimples that are 16.
- That's it.
I'm get - Come on, I got some for you.
Now, kids, remember the rules.
No fighting.
Makes all the dust rise up.
Anyway, Bud, this calls for a big celebration.
- So, what? - I don't want another birthday party.
All I want is this girl, Roxanne.
Then that's what you're gonna get.
Is Roxanne Barbie's new friend? No.
Roxanne's a real girl.
What happened to that nice She won't take his calls anymore.
My poor baby.
Well, maybe this will take the edge off.
We are throwing you a nice party.
And guess what, we're renting you a pony.
Bud, you better go out right now and get yourself a half-gallon hat.
But don't go just yet, there's more.
Do you remember your favourite TV show, Sticky the Clown? Mom, I haven't watched Sticky since I was 12 years old.
Well, a lot's happened to Sticky since then.
He's out on work release and they And they say that he realizes that what he did was bad.
Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today.
The Department of Juvenile Corrections bussed some delinquents over to the shoe store today to show them why it's so important to stay in school.
The guards made them watch me work for over three hours until even the most hardened punk was crying like a baby.
It's a new programme called "Scared Rich.
" If only they'd had a "scared single" when I was a punk.
Anyway, I'm home.
Who's gonna be the last straw? - Al - What a shock.
Honey, it's Bud's 18th birthday.
Don't you think it's time you had a talk with him? You know, without the bathroom door in between you.
Well, what am I supposed to talk about? The accumulated wisdom of your lifetime.
You know, like just how deep does your finger go into your ear.
Oh, and what do you do when your bellybutton nose and rear end all itch at the same time.
Don't make him learn it in the streets, honey.
Come on, Kel.
Eighteen years old, eh? Son, there's so much that I wanna say to you but there's a show coming on I wanna watch.
Soon you'll be getting to that age where you're thinking about settling down and raising a family.
That is if you're a woman.
If you're a guy, you might consider doing something for yourself instead.
Remember, a man is a man all of his life and a woman is only sexy till she becomes your wife.
I guess what I'm trying to say is happy birthday, son.
Go away.
There he is.
The birthday boy.
You mean birthday man, Marcie.
Congratulations, Bud.
Oh, boy, I remember when I was 18.
Girls all over the place, my phone wouldn't stop ringing.
Boy, it must drive you crazy.
Bud, you are so lucky to be 18 at this time in history.
Back when I turned 18, all there was was free love, free sex free Huey.
But you're much luckier than we were because now, with all the numerous and disfiguring diseases out there young men and women really have a chance to get to know one another.
To actually be friends and not merely fornicating at will like dogs in unusual places with people you barely know.
And in ways that even today's bawdiest strumpet could hardly imagine.
Oh, foxy lady coming to get you.
Yep, 18.
Driving my own car, pad down by the beach cheques coming in from my father.
I tell you, it's the age to be.
So I hear you're getting a pony and a clown.
You know, it's not just any clown.
Sticky the clown.
Oh, he's out? Bud, it's for you.
It's a girl.
Really? She wants to take you to a movie.
Well, how about that, folks.
Looks like you can keep your clowns and your parties and your lame memories of the '60s or the '20s or whenever the hell you thought you were cool.
You want a memory, watch the grandmaster operate.
Hey, babe, how they hanging? Oh, hi, Grandma.
No, I haven't seen The Care Bears Big Picnic yet.
Saturday will be fine.
Yes, I got the socks you knitted.
Yes, I'm wearing them.
Yes, I am too old to do that.
Okay.
Yes, I love my mama.
So, what time's Sticky getting here? - The party's on.
- Okay.
Hey, what kind of cake? If anybody wants me, I'll be upstairs dead by my own hand.
Son, I was saving this until you were really low.
What? Coppola's daughter wants to have tea? Do you wanna spend your birthday atop a dying horse while a clown squirts you with seltzer and your Mom takes pictures? - No, Dad.
- Then shut up and get over here.
You're gonna do what every male Bundy does when he reaches the age of 18.
- Aren't we doing that right now, Dad? - Oh, shut up, son.
No.
Tonight I'm I'm taking you to the nudie bar.
Oh, Dad.
My father took me just as his father, Jebediah Bundy, took him.
Seems that throughout history all male Bundys and looking at hooters that don't belong to them go hand in hand.
I knew you loved me.
Yes, the nudie bar.
Where the music stinks And they water the drinks The nudie bar Where the girlies dance In their underpants The nudie bar Where you'll see their butt And their traps stay shut At the nudie bar Here come the women, son.
Now remember, this is our secret.
- Do not give them a clue.
- Okay.
Well, son, it's your birthday.
You sit anywhere you want.
Alrighty.
Except there, son.
It's It's demeaning for the dancers and besides, that's where the nickels people throw usually land.
Here we go, son.
Reserved for A.
And B.
Bundy.
- Oh, Dad.
- I know, I know.
All right, son.
Sit here.
Are you ready? I think so, Dad.
Then go to it.
Take it off.
Did you hear my boy say, "Take it off"? Was it really that good, Dad? If this old heart could talk.
And now, son, something really special.
I'm giving you 6 bucks.
Oh, Dad, your whole paycheque.
That's right, son.
No, no, son, it's not for you.
No, it's for the girls.
You're gonna be tempted to spend all your money on the first girl but don't do it.
Six bucks is too much money to spend on any woman.
Don't worry about me, Dad.
It takes more than a little leg to shake me up.
Oh, that Sticky.
I never dreamed I could find someone like him for only $5.
He's still got it, hasn't he? We're here.
No, Buck, it's not Bud.
Well, well, aren't you a big, sexy, whatever you are.
I'll just go upstairs, splash on some Old Spice and we be getting it on.
Kelly, is this a friend of Bud's? No, actually, you can't find one of those.
But this is Roxanne the girl that Bud loves, but who can't stand him.
I thought I'd do something nice for him, so I convinced her to come.
He's really dying? You've seen him.
I'm gonna miss him.
You must have confused me with a clown who gives a damn.
I got the cake.
No, Buck, that's Jefferson, not Bud.
Lik e I give a cat's ass.
If you want me, I'll be out in the yard getting me some spotted stuff.
Jefferson, it took you three hours to get the cake? Well, we were talking about our youth and all, and I got kind of nostalgic so I bought a '65 Mustang.
You bought a '65 Mustang? Well, when are you gonna get a job to drive it to? Hey, I look in the papers it's just by the time I get up, all the good jobs are taken.
You are gonna take that car back today.
Right now, this instant.
And I don't wanna hear another Oh, all right.
You can keep it.
- But no more cars this year.
- Okay.
- I'm Sticky.
- Me too but at least I've got a car.
Kelly, I've got to go.
I'm not spending my Saturday night sitting here next to your father.
Are you kidding? My father is not a clown, he's a shoe Yeah, you're right, that's my Dad.
Kelly, don't lie to the girl.
My husband is dead, Roxanne.
Hey, so when we gonna fire up this wingding? Well, we'll start the party as soon as Al and Bud get home.
Tricks of the trade, son.
When I die, this'll be yours.
Maybe.
Dad, I'm broke and I'm bored.
Well, I'll handle it, son.
Watch this.
See, I told you you don't need money to have fun.
You're the greatest, Dad.
Hey, young man, I sense a tone.
What's wrong now? This place sucks when you're broke.
What place doesn't suck when you're broke? To tell you the truth, it does get kind of boring in here sometimes.
So then why do you come? For this.
Excuse me, sir.
You bumped into me and I think you owe me an apology.
- Drop dead.
Fine! Go ahead, rookie, take your best shot.
Hey.
- You all right, son? - I'm all right, Dad.
Look out, Dad! I hope it was as good for whatever that was as it was for me.
Hey, what do I care.
I got mine.
Eighteen years old and your first bar fight like every other male Bundy before you.
I'm proud of you son.
How do you feel? I feel great, Dad.
But where do we tell Mom we went? Well, son, you're a man now.
You stare her straight in the eye, and you tell her we were stuck in traffic.
But we know where we were.
The nudie bar.
Where you can't touch a breast, But you can cave in a chest At the nudie bar Where you can look at a thigh And black en an eye At the nudie bar Where the beer gives you gas, But the Bundys kick ass At the nudie bar