Married with Children s07e01 Episode Script

So, Mom, what's the big surprise? Why are we sitting here like blind Lone Rangers? Yeah.
And why can I still hear you with this mask on? Just hang on, kids.
Here it comes.
Oh, my God, an M&M.
And I got a W&W.
Hey, wait a second.
Why are you treating us so good? Yeah, Mom.
Why'd you cook for us? Well, can't a mother show her love? Okay.
I did it so you'd be in good moods when I told you that my relatives are coming for a visit.
No.
Not Zemus and Ida Mae.
Oh, hush.
They both wear clothes now and they're not gonna be any trouble to anyone.
Hey, Peg, did you know we're out of towels in the bathroom? Guess you didn't tell Dad your family was coming.
Well, he never warns me when he is so I feel like I owe him nothing.
God, I love Sundays.
The one day of the week I get to sleep later than you, Peg.
Saturday night I stay up extra, extra late eat an enormous amount of tacos to make absolutely sure there's no way in the world that when I wake up, you'll be next to me.
You don't have to eat tacos for that, honey.
But I can't afford to take that chance, Peg.
But when I know you're gone, I can finally slip out of my underwear and sleep safely naked as God intended.
Oh, the sensations.
Why, with Mommy gone, I almost feel sexual.
Yeah, nothing can ruin Sunday for me.
Wait a minute.
What's that? Open your mouth.
It's an M&M.
Oh, God.
Your family's coming! How much time do I have? Great Caesar's ghost, they're here! - Have you made the preparations? - Of course.
- What about the dog? - He's ready.
Shouldn't we have a sign like that? Here, here.
Everybody take one of these.
If they move on you, smack them on the nose and say, "No.
" Open up! We know you're in there! I'm coming.
All right, now, kids, smile as if Daddy had died.
Okay.
- Zemus, Ida Mae.
- Peggy.
You look good enough to eat.
- Little cousin.
- No.
- Big boy.
- Don't even dream about it, Zemus.
So where's the dog? By the way, what's with that line? Are you gonna tie it to your porch to make sure you can find your way home? No, it's for our youngest child.
We believe in giving the boy a little freedom.
That way, if he feels cooped up in the Winnebago he can gallop alongside of us down the highway.
Folks, meet little Seven.
Seven? Well, why'd you pick that name? Because we had one, two, three, four, five, seven kids.
- Say hi to your cousin.
- Oh, hello.
Is that the one who's gonna give me money? Yeah, that's the rich one.
Go bond with him.
I love you, you big lug.
Give me money.
Do you know where your knee is? Yes, I do, so give me money.
Kids, why don't you take little Seven upstairs.
Come here, Seven.
We'll take him up to Bud's room.
Have you ever seen a rubber woman? Lsis is not rubber, she's breathable latex.
And she breaks, just like a little girl.
Come on in.
Isn't this nice? We're swingers.
We're into swapping.
But don't be put off, it doesn't have to be the traditional man-woman thing.
And this little Peggy never goes to market.
And this little Peggy stays home.
And this little Peggy eats bonbons.
And these little children have none.
I want them to do the song again.
He only wants us to do it because he knows we hate it.
- Is that true, Seven? - Yes.
And a-one and a-two.
- Baby face - Baby face - You've got the cutest little baby face - You've got the cutest little baby face - Not another one could take your place - Not another one could take your place - Baby face! - Baby face! Hi, kids.
- Good to be home.
- Where did you disappear to? Well, I crawled under the doggy door when Zemus turned out the lights and said, "Let's exchange trousers.
" Ls that your real nose? Seven, if you were thinking of pulling his hair, try grabbing it out of his ears.
Unlike his head, it just seems to grow and grow and grow.
Peg, why is this kid sitting on my lap? Doesn't his father have a groin? By the way, where are the Kettles? Well, right after you left, they went out for cigarettes.
And you let them go? That has to be the dumbest move in history.
No, the second dumbest.
The first dumbest had to be when I answered your phone call the day after we had sex.
Peg, you just let these people stick us with their kid.
Oh, my God.
I've got another child! Now, Peg, I'm gonna remove my hands.
Please don't show him how upset you are.
What's the matter? Did he find out my folks are gone? No.
No, no.
Just went out for cigarettes be right back.
- No, they won't.
But that's okay.
I'll just live with Mommy and you, Daddy.
- Not another who could take your place - Not another who could take your place Oh, Peg, I've got another kid.
Oh, got another kid.
Oh, Al, I'm happy.
I wanna keep him.
The kids love him.
And Buck has really taken to him.
You should see the two of them play together.
- Oh, look, here he comes.
- Doggy, wanna go to the dentist? I guess he's still sore from playing doctor.
- What is it, Peg? - It's just the love.
Oh, Al, I have to keep him.
This boy needs a mother, and I am a born mommy.
- Can I go throw rocks at cars? - Sure, honey.
Just look both ways before throwing.
Well, hey, aren't you a cute little guy.
- Hey, mister, which car is yours? - That pretty blue one.
- So where are his parents? - Oh, they went out for cigarettes.
The old cigarette ploy.
They stuck you with their kid, and they're never coming back.
So, what are you gonna name this one, Financial Burden III? Peggy, I envy you.
A new child, and you didn't even have to touch that man to get it.
Yeah, I couldn't be happier.
Of course, Al will have to get another job.
And it may be tough on Bud and Kelly you know, with not enough love to go around and all.
But I don't really see any downside for me.
Gee, Al, another child.
What a blessing.
It shouldn't be much of a strain on your salary which couldn't support a family of goats in the mountains of Paraguay.
But on the bright side, another child could be such a joy.
Let's take the time to think of all the things that you can teach him.
Well, I can't think of anything.
Can you? Now, Marcie don't take this as an insult you parakeet in a flannel shirt.
But speaking as a friend your body shows no signs of womanhood.
Obvious to me, you're barren.
And even if by some miracle you actually laid an egg and then hatched a child and tried to breast-feed it, the kid would starve to death.
Let's face it, Marce there can't be enough milk in there for a cup of coffee.
So having said that with love from one friend to another I offer you the son you'll never have.
Let me go get his clothes.
Al, I couldn't possibly take anything from you.
Instead, let me give you something.
Ten fingers of death.
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! And I have breasts, damn it.
She really does, Al.
You just can't see them.
Right, honey? Like I can see everything on you? You said that wasn't important.
Well, I lied.
Wait a second.
Can't we go back to picking on Al? You're right, honey.
So, Daddy No-Bucks, where's the new kid gonna sleep? So that's the real story of the breakup of me and Cindy Crawford.
You know, you're not that interesting either.
And now, we put me to sleep.
Don't mind me, Bud.
I just came in to say good night.
- Good night.
- Yeah, thanks.
- My little man.
- Mommy, he bored me.
How about a nice little lullaby? Okay, here we go.
Hush, little baby, don't you cry Bud will be gone soon So kiss him goodbye And if Bud won't leave on his own I'll throw him out, and then it'll just be me and you.
I'll cook for you, and everything will be so nice.
Mom, Mom.
He's sleeping.
I guess I just got carried away.
It's so hard to leave this little guy.
Come here.
Okay.
Good night.
- Good night, Mom.
- Yeah, thanks.
Hooters.
Oh, hooters, come out and play.
Bud I have to ask you a question.
You have waited 19 years for someone to get in bed with you.
Tell me, is it everything you had hoped for? Oh, I'm just teasing you, you little emotionally arrested Smurf.
I brought you a little present.
Now that you're sharing your pad with Seven I wanted to give you something to decorate.
A little eye candy for the both of you.
There you go, college man.
"Wags, the Perplexed Pup.
" Cartoon cutie.
Well, as if I had to tell you.
Hey, great place for a Blossom calendar.
How much must I endure? God, she isn't bad, is she? Oh, God, look at my life.
I don't get it.
I'm so cute.
What am I even doing home? I know I've got the bod, got the arms the chest, and even I can't keep my hands off my butt.
You really should talk to Daddy.
Anyway, I couldn't bear to be away from this little guy.
I'm gonna take him to bed with me.
You do take that down when friends are over, don't you? Well, at least I got some privacy.
Hi, girls.
Come to papa.
Don't mind me, son.
Just avoiding your mother.
Hey, now.
What's this? "Hooters, absolutely no faces.
" Goodish.
- Come on, Dad.
- Go to sleep.
Bud, did you do this? Oh, God, look at my life.
I'm sitting in my own son's wet spot.
I don't get it.
So cute.
How could this be my fate? I should've married for money.
I always had the bod.
Got the arms.
God never made a nicer butt.
I can't live like this, but I'll tell you what I can do.
I'm gonna track down Seven's parents and I'm gonna get this house back to normal.
And I want Wags hanging on my wall when I get back, son.
- Fill her up, sir? - Nope.
Making a delivery.
- Ninety-two octane? - Yeah, whatever.
And the Atlanta Braves take the field.
Welcome to our monthly underwear fashion show.
And now, here's supermodel, Zemus wearing lovely blue Hanes.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I think we should talk.
Gee, I hope Daddy doesn't find your parents so you can stay with us forever.
- Me too.
Yeah, us too.
Hi, Al.
Did you find his parents? No.
Couldn't find them.
So we can keep him? Guess so.
Daddy! Oh, by the way, everybody, today was payday.