Married with Children s08e24 Episode Script
Assault and Batteries
Hello, Jefferson, are you busy? You're having sex with Marcie.
What, is she holding a gun? Okay, I'll wait.
Let's go, let's go.
Now, look, it's my day off and the Brute channel is gonna show Hondo.
John Wayne's greatest movie of all time.
Now, I know Peg wants me to fix the basement steps, so I need a favour.
Come over and hide in the bushes, then I'm gonna open the door and say, " My, the clouds are looking fluffy today.
" That's your excuse to come in having an appendicitis attack and need me to rush you to the hospital.
Then we'll go to your house and watch Hondo.
What do you mean, "Faster, faster"? I'm talking as fast as I can.
Hello? Sex in the morning.
Sex with Marcie.
Sex in the morning with Marcie.
Hi, honey.
It's time to get some chores done.
Now, to be fair, we'll both pick from the job jar.
I'll pick the red one.
Well, that's where I went wrong.
"Continue sitting on couch.
" Oh, lucky.
All right, Al.
Your turn.
Gee, I wonder what it will be.
All right.
"Fix basement step.
" Tough break, honey.
Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Excuse me, Peg, I'm just gonna get a little fresh air first.
My, the clouds are looking fluffy today.
My, the clouds are looking fluffy today.
I said, my, the clouds are looking fluffy today you earless moron.
Al.
Al.
It's an emergency.
I need you to - What? - Rush you to the hospital? Yes, yes.
I'm in great pain.
What's wrong, Jefferson? It's an appendicitis, Peg.
See? Thank God it's not a groin pull.
Yeah, I'm a paramedic.
I heard the yelling.
Good thing I was parked on the street, avoiding my supervisor.
Come on, we'll have that appendix out in no time.
No, no, no, you see.
You don't understand.
I was helping Al.
Tell him I was Well, honey, now you can fix the basement step.
Peg, Hondo's coming on at 3:30.
Hondo, Peg.
John Wayne's best movie.
It only comes on once every 17 years.
Oh, Peg, please let me watch Hondo.
Oh, now, Al.
It's only 9:30.
You can fix the step and watch your stupid Hondo.
All right, I'll fix the step.
Where are my tools? Well, in the tool chest.
You know, there is something else that needs fixing down there.
- Light bulb out? - Yeah, that's it.
Would you get me the flashlight, Peg? Now, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell you.
Now I know how Hillary feels.
All right, Al, I've got it.
Now what? Well, you can shove it up - Never mind.
- Come on, hurry, Al this flashlight weighs a ton.
- It's not the flashlight.
Wait a minute, Peg, it doesn't work.
Peg, do me a favour.
Go to the store and get me some D batteries.
Well, what are you gonna do? Don't worry, I'm not gonna be having a good time.
I'll do what I can in the dark.
Oh, like during sex? No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step.
Hey, Kel, we got any D batteries? Yeah, I think there's some in the tool chest.
- Find it? - Yeah.
Kel, check this out.
It's Buck's birth certificate.
Wow, according to this, he was born 10 years ago.
God, that would make him And they wanted to neuter me.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Please don't say "Let's do something nice for him.
" Let's do something nice for him.
What can we do though? Food would be nice.
Let's take him out for some exercise.
Oh, good, the very thing you need food for.
- Hey, we can take him to that park.
- Yeah.
You mean where the Rottweilers hunt? Come on, boy, we're gonna have the time of your life.
But I hate Rottweilers.
Hey, can't I play with the drug-sniffing dogs? You know, they're so laid back.
Okay, Al, I got your batteries.
Peg, these are A's.
I needed D's.
A's, D's, what's the difference? They're too small.
Then use a lot of them.
Better yet, I'll exchange them for bullets.
- I'm going with you.
- Lf you go, you'll wanna shop.
I'm just gonna get the new batteries.
I was just at that store.
There is absolutely nothing I want there.
- Now let's go.
- But, Peg, Hondo's coming on.
Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May.
Well, you'll thank me in December.
Only if you leave me in November.
Oh, look, Al.
They're doing a Full House in 3-D.
Is the third dimension the funny one? Gee, I don't know.
But these glasses are annoying.
Well, at least you look stupid.
I'm bored.
I'm gonna go get some ice cream and wait in the car.
Don't put back those icicles.
I won't.
Excuse me.
My 26 cats are waiting for these three cans of Liver Feast.
Do you mind if I cut in? Well, age before beauty.
Thank you, beauty.
You're welcome, age.
Hey, lady.
You know, Hondo's coming on pretty soon.
You know, it's a story about the Wild West.
You remember the Wild West, don't you? Aren't you that mean shoe salesman at the mall? No.
You must have me mistaken for someone else.
Check stand two is now open.
Yes, I am that shoe salesman.
And I don't need your stinking place in line.
Eat shoe and die.
Gotta see Hondo.
Gotta see Hondo.
Sir, would you let me in front of you, please? Don't call me "sir," you cliff dweller.
- Bad enough you ruined my morning.
- Yeah? You think hearing you scream " Ride me like a show horse" did me any good? Let me go in front of you and I'll be out of what's left of your hair.
Just relax.
This is what it's like to be a part of civilization.
Wait, I have a coupon.
Un-freaking-believable! There's always one.
- No, don't worry.
I'm paying cash.
- Thank God.
Yeah, my wife and I put a penny in every time we make love.
We're like rabbits.
Good.
On Easter, I'll dip you both in chocolate and break your heads off.
We don't see that much Confederate money around here anymore.
What happened to just paying and leaving? People just have too many options.
Next.
This vaporizer is 39.
99 here but I found it somewhere else for That'll be $753.
84.
Every time my husband and I make love.
My wife bought the wrong batteries.
Since I can't exchange her I'd like to exchange these for these.
In my day, you just push them buttons a bit, the register went: And the drawer popped out.
That's a fascinating story, sir.
These days we have computers.
They make things a lot easier and quicker.
Computer's down.
Sorry, sir, you'll have to wait.
I can't wait for the computer to come on.
I gotta get home for Hondo.
Just add it up.
- I can't do that.
- You can't add? Good career choice.
I don't have to take this.
If I knew how, I would call Security.
Well, don't learn a new skill on my account.
Just keep the stinking batteries.
I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Open these doors.
Can't.
The computer controls them too.
And you just lost your place in line.
That was fun.
It's good to get out, watch Buck run.
Yeah.
He must have had a great time.
Call 911.
K-911.
Well, now what do you want to do with him? Hey, I know.
Let's play Anything but Frisbee.
Frisbee.
No, not the disk of death.
Oh, look at his eyes light up.
I'd tear out both your hearts if my teeth weren't in a glass in my doghouse.
Come on, boy.
You know, in these stressful times it's nice to have a quiet moment to get to know each other.
I want out! It's 90 minutes to Hondo.
Al, are you gonna be long? Hondo's on in 90 minutes.
I know, Peg.
The doors won't open.
I know the stores are open.
That's where I got this lovely dress.
No more.
No more.
What's that? Buy more? Buy more? Don't buy anything.
Buy a dinner ring? I haven't thought about jewellery before but I guess l - No.
Don't buy.
Bye.
My wife is out there, unsupervised, with credit cards.
Where's your computer expert? Out there.
He can't get in.
Okay, Buck.
Here it comes, boy.
Catch it.
Why didn't you jump? I did.
You know, Kel.
I think the problem is Buck's getting too old to jump.
Yeah.
I know.
- You throw it to him and I'll lift him.
- All right.
This will be good.
Okay, Buck.
Here it comes, boy.
Kelly? Kelly? Speak to me.
Come closer.
What? What is it? Oh, come on.
She's never gonna get that Frisbee to fit there.
Well, I'll be damned.
Someone hasn't been eating their fibre.
Hey, come on, fella.
Put the bat down.
Come sit around the hibachi.
Swap some stories, huh? You want a story? I got a story for you.
About a little place I like to call America.
Before scanners and bar codes and computers and wives.
Can I help you, pretty-but-fallen lady? I hope so.
They want me to do the cancan down at the saloon so I guess I'm gonna need some cans.
You got yourself some fancy book learning, ain't you? Howdy, my honest young merchant friend.
I need a few things.
I need a deck of marked cards, some loaded dice and some genuine cowhide condoms.
Although in these simpler times, we don't need them but heck, they feel so good we don't need the woman either.
Hey, not in front of the boy, Mr.
D'Arcy.
You'll put ideas in his head.
Next thing you know, he'll be out behind the barn with his wooden woman.
Hey, order me up a couple of jugs too.
Ma, now, you know you scare the customers when you stare into that box like that.
Yeah, I know.
But I just get this feeling that one day there's gonna be people small enough to fit in there.
Afternoon, barefoot bumpkins.
Afternoon, Miss Evil Bank President.
It has come to my attention that these simple times are going far too easy for you folks.
Let's see if that changes when you have to use this.
What in tarnation is that? It's a computer! And we're gonna make you use them whether you like it or not.
Now hold on a second, pilgrim.
What is that gizmo? That's not a gizmo, it's a computer.
Now it's a gizmo.
Now, you take your prairie-chicken hide and cluck on out of here.
Well, I'll be back, and next time, I'm bringing Muzak.
Thanks, Bundo.
Oh, Bundo, you are just the kind of man we need in these sweet and innocent times.
Now, if there's anything I can do for you Well, there is one thing.
Take a powder, boy.
Not that.
No, I'm looking for a copy of that new girlie magazine, Bare Ankle.
I hear they're corning out with a new 3-D issue.
So I say we should do what John Wayne would have done.
Let's show these machines who's running things.
I say we kick some computer butt.
For Hondo! Oh, my head.
What time is it? Hondo! And that's the conclusion of the classic western Hondo.
Join us February 18, 2011 for the encore showing of Well, I might have missed Hondo but at least I stood up for what I believed in.
Honey, you better sit back down again because that computer you destroyed is gonna cost $4000.
Well, thank God I make that much in a year.
Mom, Dad, you guys seen Buck? We were gonna take him Rollerblading.
He's in the basement.
Let's get him.
You I may be old, but I can still throw my v oice with the best of them.
What, is she holding a gun? Okay, I'll wait.
Let's go, let's go.
Now, look, it's my day off and the Brute channel is gonna show Hondo.
John Wayne's greatest movie of all time.
Now, I know Peg wants me to fix the basement steps, so I need a favour.
Come over and hide in the bushes, then I'm gonna open the door and say, " My, the clouds are looking fluffy today.
" That's your excuse to come in having an appendicitis attack and need me to rush you to the hospital.
Then we'll go to your house and watch Hondo.
What do you mean, "Faster, faster"? I'm talking as fast as I can.
Hello? Sex in the morning.
Sex with Marcie.
Sex in the morning with Marcie.
Hi, honey.
It's time to get some chores done.
Now, to be fair, we'll both pick from the job jar.
I'll pick the red one.
Well, that's where I went wrong.
"Continue sitting on couch.
" Oh, lucky.
All right, Al.
Your turn.
Gee, I wonder what it will be.
All right.
"Fix basement step.
" Tough break, honey.
Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Excuse me, Peg, I'm just gonna get a little fresh air first.
My, the clouds are looking fluffy today.
My, the clouds are looking fluffy today.
I said, my, the clouds are looking fluffy today you earless moron.
Al.
Al.
It's an emergency.
I need you to - What? - Rush you to the hospital? Yes, yes.
I'm in great pain.
What's wrong, Jefferson? It's an appendicitis, Peg.
See? Thank God it's not a groin pull.
Yeah, I'm a paramedic.
I heard the yelling.
Good thing I was parked on the street, avoiding my supervisor.
Come on, we'll have that appendix out in no time.
No, no, no, you see.
You don't understand.
I was helping Al.
Tell him I was Well, honey, now you can fix the basement step.
Peg, Hondo's coming on at 3:30.
Hondo, Peg.
John Wayne's best movie.
It only comes on once every 17 years.
Oh, Peg, please let me watch Hondo.
Oh, now, Al.
It's only 9:30.
You can fix the step and watch your stupid Hondo.
All right, I'll fix the step.
Where are my tools? Well, in the tool chest.
You know, there is something else that needs fixing down there.
- Light bulb out? - Yeah, that's it.
Would you get me the flashlight, Peg? Now, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell you.
Now I know how Hillary feels.
All right, Al, I've got it.
Now what? Well, you can shove it up - Never mind.
- Come on, hurry, Al this flashlight weighs a ton.
- It's not the flashlight.
Wait a minute, Peg, it doesn't work.
Peg, do me a favour.
Go to the store and get me some D batteries.
Well, what are you gonna do? Don't worry, I'm not gonna be having a good time.
I'll do what I can in the dark.
Oh, like during sex? No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step.
Hey, Kel, we got any D batteries? Yeah, I think there's some in the tool chest.
- Find it? - Yeah.
Kel, check this out.
It's Buck's birth certificate.
Wow, according to this, he was born 10 years ago.
God, that would make him And they wanted to neuter me.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Please don't say "Let's do something nice for him.
" Let's do something nice for him.
What can we do though? Food would be nice.
Let's take him out for some exercise.
Oh, good, the very thing you need food for.
- Hey, we can take him to that park.
- Yeah.
You mean where the Rottweilers hunt? Come on, boy, we're gonna have the time of your life.
But I hate Rottweilers.
Hey, can't I play with the drug-sniffing dogs? You know, they're so laid back.
Okay, Al, I got your batteries.
Peg, these are A's.
I needed D's.
A's, D's, what's the difference? They're too small.
Then use a lot of them.
Better yet, I'll exchange them for bullets.
- I'm going with you.
- Lf you go, you'll wanna shop.
I'm just gonna get the new batteries.
I was just at that store.
There is absolutely nothing I want there.
- Now let's go.
- But, Peg, Hondo's coming on.
Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May.
Well, you'll thank me in December.
Only if you leave me in November.
Oh, look, Al.
They're doing a Full House in 3-D.
Is the third dimension the funny one? Gee, I don't know.
But these glasses are annoying.
Well, at least you look stupid.
I'm bored.
I'm gonna go get some ice cream and wait in the car.
Don't put back those icicles.
I won't.
Excuse me.
My 26 cats are waiting for these three cans of Liver Feast.
Do you mind if I cut in? Well, age before beauty.
Thank you, beauty.
You're welcome, age.
Hey, lady.
You know, Hondo's coming on pretty soon.
You know, it's a story about the Wild West.
You remember the Wild West, don't you? Aren't you that mean shoe salesman at the mall? No.
You must have me mistaken for someone else.
Check stand two is now open.
Yes, I am that shoe salesman.
And I don't need your stinking place in line.
Eat shoe and die.
Gotta see Hondo.
Gotta see Hondo.
Sir, would you let me in front of you, please? Don't call me "sir," you cliff dweller.
- Bad enough you ruined my morning.
- Yeah? You think hearing you scream " Ride me like a show horse" did me any good? Let me go in front of you and I'll be out of what's left of your hair.
Just relax.
This is what it's like to be a part of civilization.
Wait, I have a coupon.
Un-freaking-believable! There's always one.
- No, don't worry.
I'm paying cash.
- Thank God.
Yeah, my wife and I put a penny in every time we make love.
We're like rabbits.
Good.
On Easter, I'll dip you both in chocolate and break your heads off.
We don't see that much Confederate money around here anymore.
What happened to just paying and leaving? People just have too many options.
Next.
This vaporizer is 39.
99 here but I found it somewhere else for That'll be $753.
84.
Every time my husband and I make love.
My wife bought the wrong batteries.
Since I can't exchange her I'd like to exchange these for these.
In my day, you just push them buttons a bit, the register went: And the drawer popped out.
That's a fascinating story, sir.
These days we have computers.
They make things a lot easier and quicker.
Computer's down.
Sorry, sir, you'll have to wait.
I can't wait for the computer to come on.
I gotta get home for Hondo.
Just add it up.
- I can't do that.
- You can't add? Good career choice.
I don't have to take this.
If I knew how, I would call Security.
Well, don't learn a new skill on my account.
Just keep the stinking batteries.
I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Open these doors.
Can't.
The computer controls them too.
And you just lost your place in line.
That was fun.
It's good to get out, watch Buck run.
Yeah.
He must have had a great time.
Call 911.
K-911.
Well, now what do you want to do with him? Hey, I know.
Let's play Anything but Frisbee.
Frisbee.
No, not the disk of death.
Oh, look at his eyes light up.
I'd tear out both your hearts if my teeth weren't in a glass in my doghouse.
Come on, boy.
You know, in these stressful times it's nice to have a quiet moment to get to know each other.
I want out! It's 90 minutes to Hondo.
Al, are you gonna be long? Hondo's on in 90 minutes.
I know, Peg.
The doors won't open.
I know the stores are open.
That's where I got this lovely dress.
No more.
No more.
What's that? Buy more? Buy more? Don't buy anything.
Buy a dinner ring? I haven't thought about jewellery before but I guess l - No.
Don't buy.
Bye.
My wife is out there, unsupervised, with credit cards.
Where's your computer expert? Out there.
He can't get in.
Okay, Buck.
Here it comes, boy.
Catch it.
Why didn't you jump? I did.
You know, Kel.
I think the problem is Buck's getting too old to jump.
Yeah.
I know.
- You throw it to him and I'll lift him.
- All right.
This will be good.
Okay, Buck.
Here it comes, boy.
Kelly? Kelly? Speak to me.
Come closer.
What? What is it? Oh, come on.
She's never gonna get that Frisbee to fit there.
Well, I'll be damned.
Someone hasn't been eating their fibre.
Hey, come on, fella.
Put the bat down.
Come sit around the hibachi.
Swap some stories, huh? You want a story? I got a story for you.
About a little place I like to call America.
Before scanners and bar codes and computers and wives.
Can I help you, pretty-but-fallen lady? I hope so.
They want me to do the cancan down at the saloon so I guess I'm gonna need some cans.
You got yourself some fancy book learning, ain't you? Howdy, my honest young merchant friend.
I need a few things.
I need a deck of marked cards, some loaded dice and some genuine cowhide condoms.
Although in these simpler times, we don't need them but heck, they feel so good we don't need the woman either.
Hey, not in front of the boy, Mr.
D'Arcy.
You'll put ideas in his head.
Next thing you know, he'll be out behind the barn with his wooden woman.
Hey, order me up a couple of jugs too.
Ma, now, you know you scare the customers when you stare into that box like that.
Yeah, I know.
But I just get this feeling that one day there's gonna be people small enough to fit in there.
Afternoon, barefoot bumpkins.
Afternoon, Miss Evil Bank President.
It has come to my attention that these simple times are going far too easy for you folks.
Let's see if that changes when you have to use this.
What in tarnation is that? It's a computer! And we're gonna make you use them whether you like it or not.
Now hold on a second, pilgrim.
What is that gizmo? That's not a gizmo, it's a computer.
Now it's a gizmo.
Now, you take your prairie-chicken hide and cluck on out of here.
Well, I'll be back, and next time, I'm bringing Muzak.
Thanks, Bundo.
Oh, Bundo, you are just the kind of man we need in these sweet and innocent times.
Now, if there's anything I can do for you Well, there is one thing.
Take a powder, boy.
Not that.
No, I'm looking for a copy of that new girlie magazine, Bare Ankle.
I hear they're corning out with a new 3-D issue.
So I say we should do what John Wayne would have done.
Let's show these machines who's running things.
I say we kick some computer butt.
For Hondo! Oh, my head.
What time is it? Hondo! And that's the conclusion of the classic western Hondo.
Join us February 18, 2011 for the encore showing of Well, I might have missed Hondo but at least I stood up for what I believed in.
Honey, you better sit back down again because that computer you destroyed is gonna cost $4000.
Well, thank God I make that much in a year.
Mom, Dad, you guys seen Buck? We were gonna take him Rollerblading.
He's in the basement.
Let's get him.
You I may be old, but I can still throw my v oice with the best of them.