Married with Children s10e09 Episode Script
The Two That Got Away
Look, J.
B.
You see, I'm a reasonable man.
See, if you don't give my client this audition I'm gonna have to have 100 roses delivered to your wife in your girlfriend's name.
Thanks, babe.
I knew you'd see my way.
Hey.
What is it? Did you get me an audition? You? No, no, no, no.
I've discovered a major new talent.
I'll give you a hint.
He just peed on the D'Arcys' roses.
Dad? No.
Lucky.
Yeah, but isn't it unprofessional for agents to date their clients? That's very funny, Million Man March.
It's a dog food commercial.
Now, all Lucky has to do is learn a few simple tricks and pretend to like the stuff.
No problem.
I lick your face and pretend to like you.
Gee, Al, I've never heard of a three-day funeral.
Per chance you don't remember our honeymoon? Yes.
Something certainly died back then.
Unfortunately, it never got buried.
I just want you to look me in the face and tell me that you are not going fishing.
Peg, I lie about a lot of things.
Who I'm married to, who my kids are.
What that smell was.
But I would never ever lie about Aunt Betty's funeral.
I thought you said it was Aunt Nell.
It's a double funeral, Peg.
Which is why it's gonna take three days or four if they're biting-- I mean crying.
Okay, Al you ready to go fishing? What Jefferson means, Peg, is that the family said: "In lieu of bringing flowers we should all bring fish.
" Let's go, Jefferson.
No.
No, Al.
No, my days as a cad and a bounder are over.
I feel very strongly that you should never lie to your wife and for one very good reason.
And what was it again, Marcie? A lie may give you temporary pleasure but honesty will bring you happiness at the end of the day.
And I was so happy that Jefferson told me the truth about his trip that I've given him something very special.
Nobody wants to hear about your filthy chicken love.
No, Al.
Marcie gave me this new telephoto lens for my camera.
Look.
Trust me, Al.
I know honesty goes against everything we guys stand for but women eat it up.
All right.
I'll give it a shot.
Peg, I'm going to be honest with you.
I'm going fishing this weekend.
And every Saturday when I take the garbage out I throw away one of your shoes.
Well, you know, Al, I'm gonna be honest with you too.
I knew you were going fishing.
And at night when you're sleeping I pluck out your hairs so you'll bald faster.
Oh, God, I love this place, Al.
It was a stroke of genius having me cash in Marcie's IRA to pay for this luxury vacation.
Jefferson, would you stop taking pictures so we can enjoy this place.
Jefferson, would you start taking pictures so we can enjoy this place.
We're your Swedish masseuses.
- I'm Helga.
- And I'm Inga.
And I'm Alga.
And I'm gaga.
- May we carry your bags? - Yes.
May we carry yours? Yeah, sure.
Jefferson, we died and went to the land of milk and honeys.
Mr.
Bundy and Mr.
D'Arcy.
I'm Randolph the innkeeper, and I've been trying to get ahold of you.
There's been a slight change in your cabin assignment.
What's the change? You don't have one.
That's okay, we'll bunk in with Helga and Inga.
Yeah, sure.
Helga, Inga, you're late for topless happy hour.
Yeah, sure.
Hey, look.
You can't bump us.
See, we made our reservation over a year ago.
Oh, so you did.
Let me explain something.
You're nobodies and you had a reservation.
Shannon Tweed is a famous actress.
She didn't have a reservation.
Explanation over.
Shannon Tweed? Star of Night Eyes II, Night Eyes Three and every fantasy I've ever had since I got cable? You know, Shannon Tweed got me through many a long lonely night of sex with Marcie.
Oh, Randolph? Yes, Ms.
Tweed.
Are those the two gentlemen that had reservations for my cabin? - Yes, Ms.
Tweed.
- Oh, good.
I did so want to meet them.
I told you she'd straighten this thing out just like she straightened out Andrew Stevens in Night Eyes Three.
Yeah.
Well, just as I thought.
A mangy shoe salesman and a chronically unemployed aging pretty boy.
Have them thrown off the property immediately.
Jeez, I can't believe she said that.
Me either.
Aging? Now, Redford, that's aging.
Now, gentlemen.
Just to show you I'm not entirely without feeling here's your deposit back.
Oh, and here are your complementary mints.
I suggest Mr.
Bundy have them both.
And you have exactly two minutes to get off the premises.
Good day.
Well, who the hell does he think he is? He can't throw us out of here.
Well, I'm afraid he can, Al.
Private property.
I'll show him some private property.
Lucky if you're gonna be in this commercial you're gonna have to learn to sit.
Now, sit.
I'll never teach this dog how to sit.
What am I gonna have to do? Beg? Hey.
Kelly, I cannot get this dog to do what I want him to do.
Well, maybe you need a rubber dog.
Here, let me try.
I'll show him by example.
All right, Lucky, sit.
Kelly, please.
That's never going to work.
I've already tried doing all that-- Come on, Lucky.
Let's go outside and I'll teach you some more tricks.
Give me a bone with some meat on it, I'll jump over the house.
So getting bumped from the fishing cabin wasn't all that bad, was it, Al? Well, nothing drowns your sorrows better than a three-day binge at the nudie bar.
Wow, look at this picture I took of the lake.
Here's the lodge.
Here's a nudie bar.
Wait a second, Jefferson.
We didn't take any pictures of the nudie bar.
Hey, you're right.
And the nudie bar isn't in the woods and it doesn't have Shannon Tweed and Randolph in the hot tub.
Holy Moses, Jefferson.
Do you know what this means? Yeah.
Cosby's right.
Kodak paper does make a difference.
Not that, you idiot.
It's payback time.
Nobody bumps us, baby.
Shannon Tweed is about to get bumped herself right on to the front page of the National Enquirer.
Yes.
Boy, look at this picture of Shannon Tweed.
Jefferson, isn't she a babe? Oh, come on, Al.
I'll bet our wives, in this beautiful mountain setting with the steam rising up off the hot tub would look just as good.
No way.
No way.
Jefferson how much do you think this picture of Shannon Tweed is worth to the tabloids? Well, let's see.
Your typical celebrity nude photo brings in, oh, say, upwards of $1000.
But, see, in this case it's a celebrity doing the humpty dance with the help.
That's gotta fetch at least $10,000.
You see, but Jefferson, even though we did get bumped from our cabin but I mean, this is a little heartless and cold even for us.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, Al.
You know, the honest thing to do would be just throw this away and pretend like it never happened.
- You got it.
- All right.
Just-- Well, you feel better about yourself now? Much.
I'll see you later, buddy.
You know, I think since Peg's not home-- Peg's not home it's probably safe to go up and take a little nap.
Well, Marcie is home so I think I'll go back to the nudie bar.
- Later, buddy.
- Back at you, pal of mine.
- You the man.
- Oh, no.
No, no.
You the man.
Next.
How dare you reject my dog! He's Eddie on Frasier, you know? Ma'am, Eddie is a Jack Russell Terrier.
You're mutt is a near-blind bulldog.
Well, he looks different in person.
You're in the business.
You know the camera adds 15 pounds.
And so will those donuts you stuffed in your purse during the audition.
Now, get out.
Let's go, Eddie.
Jeez, you'd think there'd be one half-starved mongrel in this town who could make it through this obstacle course.
Lucky can do it.
Oh, yeah? I suppose he plays Murray on Mad About You? Oh, no.
He hates Paul Reiser.
In that case I'll give him a shot.
Hungry Puppy dog food audition number 2073, take one.
Now, run the course.
Come on, Lucky.
Just get into character.
Be a hungry puppy.
Oh, there's a stretch.
Come on, Lucky.
Don't you want to be in the commercial and make lots of money? Oh, I know how this works.
I get in the commercial, you get the money I end up sharing a jail cell with the cast of Diff'rent Strokes.
- Next.
- No, wait, wait.
He can do it, I promise.
He just needs a little motivation.
Just watch and follow me.
Come on.
I love hungry puppy.
Come on, say it.
Well, that was great.
The auditions are over.
We have our hungry puppy.
Thank you.
There you go.
Have a seat.
Thanks very much.
Attention, media whores-- I mean esteemed members of the press.
The auction for the Shannon Tweed hot tub photo is about to begin.
- Show us the goods then.
- Show us the stuff first.
All right, all right.
All in good time.
Before I get to the main event however I would like to start with a genuine picture of the Loch Ness monster.
- Let's see.
Come on, show us.
- You gotta be kidding.
My God, Al, that's horrific.
What the hell is it? It's a picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.
I don't see a bathtub in there.
Trust me, Jefferson, it's under there somewhere.
That's not the Loch Ness monster.
He's not that big.
So what? We'll slap Roseanne's head on it and say she lost weight.
- I'll give you 50 bucks.
- Sold.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, the main event.
Shannon Tweed as you have never seen her before.
- Now, we will start the bidding at-- - One thousand dollars.
I got a $1000 here.
- Do I hear more? - Three thousand.
Oh, come on.
You pay twice that much for Brett Butler pulling out her wedgie.
Come on.
- I'll give you 5000.
- Make it 10.
Ten thousand dollars here.
We have $10,000 going once 10,000 going twice so close to a sale.
Make it 12.
5.
Jefferson, keep the fleecing going.
If I'm not back you send my mail to King Al, hammock one, Isle of Yap.
Okay, 12.
5, right? Shannon Tweed here in my house? Mr.
Bundy, I know you're gonna find this hard to believe but I came by to apologize for the way I treated you at the lodge.
Well, I-- Apology accepted.
I gotta go now.
Bye.
Oh, no.
Mr.
Bundy, wait.
Look.
You know, being a famous actress I guess I've gotten used to having my own way and, well, I might have forgotten that other people have feelings too.
But without those people I'm not a famous star.
I'm just an average woman.
With way-above-average hooters.
Well, thank you.
God and Dr.
Markowitz have been kind.
Anyway, I felt so bad after I got home, that I-- I talked it over with my shrink, my herbalist the counter boy at Starbucks, and they all agreed.
"Shannon, you're a taker," they said.
"You've got to start giving.
" Well, you were giving pretty good in that shower scene in Indecent Behavior.
Well, thank you but that was acting.
This is real.
If I only knew that I've reached you in some way I'd feel so much better about myself.
Oh, you've reached me.
Oh, God, you're so sexy.
- If you weren't married-- - Oh, I'm not married.
No, I live alone with my redheaded mother.
What am I talking about? There I go, selfishly giving in to my insatiable lust for you.
Insatiable lust? - For me? - Oh, yeah.
Well, that's understandable.
You know, I played a little high school ball.
It really shows.
Shannon you may not understand what I'm about to do but always remember that I do this for you.
Al, what are you doing with that envelope? Did you swallow that whole thing? Yep.
It looked like there was a photograph in it.
Yeah.
Of me in a hot tub? Yeah.
You blue-collared brown-panted, shoe-selling yokel.
Despite what Siskel and Ebert say I am quite an accomplished actress as you've so clearly demonstrated today.
So the next time you want to see me in a hot tub you rent my upcoming straight-to-video classic Ernest Pays for Sex.
And don't forget to rewind.
Al.
Al, I got them up to 25,000.
Now, I think we should make like Waterworld and close immediately.
I'm choking.
Well, why are you joking? - I said I'm choking.
- Oh, you're choking.
Okay, let me help you out.
There.
Did you swallow what was stuck in your throat? - Yes, Jefferson.
I did.
- Good, you're not choking anymore.
No, no.
But you are.
Come on.
So how was the hospital? Any luck getting the negative out? No, Al's stomach acid dissolved it.
But they did find three quarters of a commemorative Slim Jim leftover from Super Bowl XII.
That's what I've been tasting all these years.
Well, despite losing the 25,000 and the cost for the visit to the hospital and the vintage Slim Jim On the bright side is whenever you're down there's always TV to pick you back up.
Hey, everybody.
Listen.
The Hungry Puppy commercial is gonna come on.
Is your puppy hungry? Then get him Hungry Puppy dog food.
The only food that puppies prefer to their own tails.
If doggy's nose is dry And his tongue is black And his ribs are showing Through his back Give him Hungry Puppy A bite or two And your starving mutt Will be good as new Give him Hungry Puppy A bite or two And your starving mutt Will be good as new I mean: I love Puppy Hungry.
That's "Hungry Puppy.
" Yeah, what he said.
Hungry Puppy Hungry Puppy Hungry Puppy
B.
You see, I'm a reasonable man.
See, if you don't give my client this audition I'm gonna have to have 100 roses delivered to your wife in your girlfriend's name.
Thanks, babe.
I knew you'd see my way.
Hey.
What is it? Did you get me an audition? You? No, no, no, no.
I've discovered a major new talent.
I'll give you a hint.
He just peed on the D'Arcys' roses.
Dad? No.
Lucky.
Yeah, but isn't it unprofessional for agents to date their clients? That's very funny, Million Man March.
It's a dog food commercial.
Now, all Lucky has to do is learn a few simple tricks and pretend to like the stuff.
No problem.
I lick your face and pretend to like you.
Gee, Al, I've never heard of a three-day funeral.
Per chance you don't remember our honeymoon? Yes.
Something certainly died back then.
Unfortunately, it never got buried.
I just want you to look me in the face and tell me that you are not going fishing.
Peg, I lie about a lot of things.
Who I'm married to, who my kids are.
What that smell was.
But I would never ever lie about Aunt Betty's funeral.
I thought you said it was Aunt Nell.
It's a double funeral, Peg.
Which is why it's gonna take three days or four if they're biting-- I mean crying.
Okay, Al you ready to go fishing? What Jefferson means, Peg, is that the family said: "In lieu of bringing flowers we should all bring fish.
" Let's go, Jefferson.
No.
No, Al.
No, my days as a cad and a bounder are over.
I feel very strongly that you should never lie to your wife and for one very good reason.
And what was it again, Marcie? A lie may give you temporary pleasure but honesty will bring you happiness at the end of the day.
And I was so happy that Jefferson told me the truth about his trip that I've given him something very special.
Nobody wants to hear about your filthy chicken love.
No, Al.
Marcie gave me this new telephoto lens for my camera.
Look.
Trust me, Al.
I know honesty goes against everything we guys stand for but women eat it up.
All right.
I'll give it a shot.
Peg, I'm going to be honest with you.
I'm going fishing this weekend.
And every Saturday when I take the garbage out I throw away one of your shoes.
Well, you know, Al, I'm gonna be honest with you too.
I knew you were going fishing.
And at night when you're sleeping I pluck out your hairs so you'll bald faster.
Oh, God, I love this place, Al.
It was a stroke of genius having me cash in Marcie's IRA to pay for this luxury vacation.
Jefferson, would you stop taking pictures so we can enjoy this place.
Jefferson, would you start taking pictures so we can enjoy this place.
We're your Swedish masseuses.
- I'm Helga.
- And I'm Inga.
And I'm Alga.
And I'm gaga.
- May we carry your bags? - Yes.
May we carry yours? Yeah, sure.
Jefferson, we died and went to the land of milk and honeys.
Mr.
Bundy and Mr.
D'Arcy.
I'm Randolph the innkeeper, and I've been trying to get ahold of you.
There's been a slight change in your cabin assignment.
What's the change? You don't have one.
That's okay, we'll bunk in with Helga and Inga.
Yeah, sure.
Helga, Inga, you're late for topless happy hour.
Yeah, sure.
Hey, look.
You can't bump us.
See, we made our reservation over a year ago.
Oh, so you did.
Let me explain something.
You're nobodies and you had a reservation.
Shannon Tweed is a famous actress.
She didn't have a reservation.
Explanation over.
Shannon Tweed? Star of Night Eyes II, Night Eyes Three and every fantasy I've ever had since I got cable? You know, Shannon Tweed got me through many a long lonely night of sex with Marcie.
Oh, Randolph? Yes, Ms.
Tweed.
Are those the two gentlemen that had reservations for my cabin? - Yes, Ms.
Tweed.
- Oh, good.
I did so want to meet them.
I told you she'd straighten this thing out just like she straightened out Andrew Stevens in Night Eyes Three.
Yeah.
Well, just as I thought.
A mangy shoe salesman and a chronically unemployed aging pretty boy.
Have them thrown off the property immediately.
Jeez, I can't believe she said that.
Me either.
Aging? Now, Redford, that's aging.
Now, gentlemen.
Just to show you I'm not entirely without feeling here's your deposit back.
Oh, and here are your complementary mints.
I suggest Mr.
Bundy have them both.
And you have exactly two minutes to get off the premises.
Good day.
Well, who the hell does he think he is? He can't throw us out of here.
Well, I'm afraid he can, Al.
Private property.
I'll show him some private property.
Lucky if you're gonna be in this commercial you're gonna have to learn to sit.
Now, sit.
I'll never teach this dog how to sit.
What am I gonna have to do? Beg? Hey.
Kelly, I cannot get this dog to do what I want him to do.
Well, maybe you need a rubber dog.
Here, let me try.
I'll show him by example.
All right, Lucky, sit.
Kelly, please.
That's never going to work.
I've already tried doing all that-- Come on, Lucky.
Let's go outside and I'll teach you some more tricks.
Give me a bone with some meat on it, I'll jump over the house.
So getting bumped from the fishing cabin wasn't all that bad, was it, Al? Well, nothing drowns your sorrows better than a three-day binge at the nudie bar.
Wow, look at this picture I took of the lake.
Here's the lodge.
Here's a nudie bar.
Wait a second, Jefferson.
We didn't take any pictures of the nudie bar.
Hey, you're right.
And the nudie bar isn't in the woods and it doesn't have Shannon Tweed and Randolph in the hot tub.
Holy Moses, Jefferson.
Do you know what this means? Yeah.
Cosby's right.
Kodak paper does make a difference.
Not that, you idiot.
It's payback time.
Nobody bumps us, baby.
Shannon Tweed is about to get bumped herself right on to the front page of the National Enquirer.
Yes.
Boy, look at this picture of Shannon Tweed.
Jefferson, isn't she a babe? Oh, come on, Al.
I'll bet our wives, in this beautiful mountain setting with the steam rising up off the hot tub would look just as good.
No way.
No way.
Jefferson how much do you think this picture of Shannon Tweed is worth to the tabloids? Well, let's see.
Your typical celebrity nude photo brings in, oh, say, upwards of $1000.
But, see, in this case it's a celebrity doing the humpty dance with the help.
That's gotta fetch at least $10,000.
You see, but Jefferson, even though we did get bumped from our cabin but I mean, this is a little heartless and cold even for us.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, Al.
You know, the honest thing to do would be just throw this away and pretend like it never happened.
- You got it.
- All right.
Just-- Well, you feel better about yourself now? Much.
I'll see you later, buddy.
You know, I think since Peg's not home-- Peg's not home it's probably safe to go up and take a little nap.
Well, Marcie is home so I think I'll go back to the nudie bar.
- Later, buddy.
- Back at you, pal of mine.
- You the man.
- Oh, no.
No, no.
You the man.
Next.
How dare you reject my dog! He's Eddie on Frasier, you know? Ma'am, Eddie is a Jack Russell Terrier.
You're mutt is a near-blind bulldog.
Well, he looks different in person.
You're in the business.
You know the camera adds 15 pounds.
And so will those donuts you stuffed in your purse during the audition.
Now, get out.
Let's go, Eddie.
Jeez, you'd think there'd be one half-starved mongrel in this town who could make it through this obstacle course.
Lucky can do it.
Oh, yeah? I suppose he plays Murray on Mad About You? Oh, no.
He hates Paul Reiser.
In that case I'll give him a shot.
Hungry Puppy dog food audition number 2073, take one.
Now, run the course.
Come on, Lucky.
Just get into character.
Be a hungry puppy.
Oh, there's a stretch.
Come on, Lucky.
Don't you want to be in the commercial and make lots of money? Oh, I know how this works.
I get in the commercial, you get the money I end up sharing a jail cell with the cast of Diff'rent Strokes.
- Next.
- No, wait, wait.
He can do it, I promise.
He just needs a little motivation.
Just watch and follow me.
Come on.
I love hungry puppy.
Come on, say it.
Well, that was great.
The auditions are over.
We have our hungry puppy.
Thank you.
There you go.
Have a seat.
Thanks very much.
Attention, media whores-- I mean esteemed members of the press.
The auction for the Shannon Tweed hot tub photo is about to begin.
- Show us the goods then.
- Show us the stuff first.
All right, all right.
All in good time.
Before I get to the main event however I would like to start with a genuine picture of the Loch Ness monster.
- Let's see.
Come on, show us.
- You gotta be kidding.
My God, Al, that's horrific.
What the hell is it? It's a picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.
I don't see a bathtub in there.
Trust me, Jefferson, it's under there somewhere.
That's not the Loch Ness monster.
He's not that big.
So what? We'll slap Roseanne's head on it and say she lost weight.
- I'll give you 50 bucks.
- Sold.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, the main event.
Shannon Tweed as you have never seen her before.
- Now, we will start the bidding at-- - One thousand dollars.
I got a $1000 here.
- Do I hear more? - Three thousand.
Oh, come on.
You pay twice that much for Brett Butler pulling out her wedgie.
Come on.
- I'll give you 5000.
- Make it 10.
Ten thousand dollars here.
We have $10,000 going once 10,000 going twice so close to a sale.
Make it 12.
5.
Jefferson, keep the fleecing going.
If I'm not back you send my mail to King Al, hammock one, Isle of Yap.
Okay, 12.
5, right? Shannon Tweed here in my house? Mr.
Bundy, I know you're gonna find this hard to believe but I came by to apologize for the way I treated you at the lodge.
Well, I-- Apology accepted.
I gotta go now.
Bye.
Oh, no.
Mr.
Bundy, wait.
Look.
You know, being a famous actress I guess I've gotten used to having my own way and, well, I might have forgotten that other people have feelings too.
But without those people I'm not a famous star.
I'm just an average woman.
With way-above-average hooters.
Well, thank you.
God and Dr.
Markowitz have been kind.
Anyway, I felt so bad after I got home, that I-- I talked it over with my shrink, my herbalist the counter boy at Starbucks, and they all agreed.
"Shannon, you're a taker," they said.
"You've got to start giving.
" Well, you were giving pretty good in that shower scene in Indecent Behavior.
Well, thank you but that was acting.
This is real.
If I only knew that I've reached you in some way I'd feel so much better about myself.
Oh, you've reached me.
Oh, God, you're so sexy.
- If you weren't married-- - Oh, I'm not married.
No, I live alone with my redheaded mother.
What am I talking about? There I go, selfishly giving in to my insatiable lust for you.
Insatiable lust? - For me? - Oh, yeah.
Well, that's understandable.
You know, I played a little high school ball.
It really shows.
Shannon you may not understand what I'm about to do but always remember that I do this for you.
Al, what are you doing with that envelope? Did you swallow that whole thing? Yep.
It looked like there was a photograph in it.
Yeah.
Of me in a hot tub? Yeah.
You blue-collared brown-panted, shoe-selling yokel.
Despite what Siskel and Ebert say I am quite an accomplished actress as you've so clearly demonstrated today.
So the next time you want to see me in a hot tub you rent my upcoming straight-to-video classic Ernest Pays for Sex.
And don't forget to rewind.
Al.
Al, I got them up to 25,000.
Now, I think we should make like Waterworld and close immediately.
I'm choking.
Well, why are you joking? - I said I'm choking.
- Oh, you're choking.
Okay, let me help you out.
There.
Did you swallow what was stuck in your throat? - Yes, Jefferson.
I did.
- Good, you're not choking anymore.
No, no.
But you are.
Come on.
So how was the hospital? Any luck getting the negative out? No, Al's stomach acid dissolved it.
But they did find three quarters of a commemorative Slim Jim leftover from Super Bowl XII.
That's what I've been tasting all these years.
Well, despite losing the 25,000 and the cost for the visit to the hospital and the vintage Slim Jim On the bright side is whenever you're down there's always TV to pick you back up.
Hey, everybody.
Listen.
The Hungry Puppy commercial is gonna come on.
Is your puppy hungry? Then get him Hungry Puppy dog food.
The only food that puppies prefer to their own tails.
If doggy's nose is dry And his tongue is black And his ribs are showing Through his back Give him Hungry Puppy A bite or two And your starving mutt Will be good as new Give him Hungry Puppy A bite or two And your starving mutt Will be good as new I mean: I love Puppy Hungry.
That's "Hungry Puppy.
" Yeah, what he said.
Hungry Puppy Hungry Puppy Hungry Puppy